If I were to be really, really honest, what would I say? :)
Ok here goes...
Heh.
Guess I don't feel safe writing it down anymore. How nice.
Oops.
Friday, May 31, 2024
Bruh
~
A basic question like this came as a nice surprise and then I was thinking ummm why did it surprise me and I know the answer lmao.Duuuuuude.
Lol.
Wow. M is right, you know you are making the wrong choices when even bare minimum consideration starts to stand out as nice lmao. Fuck. I feel like laughing lots too. 💀
Thursday, May 30, 2024
Ugh... Again getting more emails for shipments addressed to me. Wtf. I have half a mind to call the number on it to find out who it is. Just feels so fucking creepy to witness this yuck. I don't know who is behind this but it's just cheap. V low down stunt to be honest. Somehow can't believe P would be this jobless, I sincerely hope I'm right.
People are fucking crazy and I'm sick of them.
We were talking about how much our early experiences shaped us. She hates the idea of being dependent on someone. Cuz she saw how humiliating it can be when the person you are dependent on decides to hold that over your head and be mean.
I hate the idea of interacting with someone invalidating. I need to feel emotionally close and have a strong basis of trust in my equations. People who exploit that knowledge would be people I hate.
More and more in life, I'm realising the need to be around people I can rely on and blindly trust.
The kinda bond I had with J maybe. Atleast the emotional side of it was very precious to me. But it was also cuz he was a good man. Heh. I'm always going to be grateful for the fact that I realised in that time how great it feels to not just be treated well, but how comforting and sweet it is to be able to just have a cosy, trustful equation. There's a sense of friendship mixed with love and reliability in it that had my heart. We both used to celebrate each others' wins, talents and goodness, while helping the other if anything was wrong. Solid as a rock. Hehe. Getting over you was so painful, I loved you and the love you showed me so damn much.
That's the kind of equation I seek in the end. I haven't found that sense of comfort with anyone since. I've definitely never felt mentally at ease or completely safe either. Hmmm. Well. It's a sad realisation but it's okay, I think it's good to be honest with yourself about certain stuff.
Hmmm. I don't really know what's going on out of the blue, or why he is being so strange but I'm also kinda tired of having to be put in this spot tbh.
All of this just reminds me of A. She was so insecure and would for years just keep taking offence at random things then treating me badly. The underlying vindictiveness, spite and the desire to cause harm was so ingrained there and I always hated that behaviour. She is just emotionally abusive to be honest. Lol, like the time she took offence at Ed Sheeran song lyrics like fuck. That was so unreal. 💀
Not sure why this reminds me of that now, but either way. There are good, respectful ways to resolve conflict if there is any. Although I can't even imagine what it could be and the entire process of second guessing is not a situation someone should put you in. Hopefully it's nothing but idk why it seems like something is up.
Blah. A lot of this just feels very unnatural at times lol but bottom line is I do not wish to be harmed by anyone. Idk man.
Lol, first dealing with some random creepy stalker that is emailing me bras, and now someone acting weird out of the blue.
Heh, life just refuses to be peaceful at times.
Oh well.
Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Watching Sadler play is a complete pleasure. ♥️
Everytime I see him play, I'm just floored by the technique and the play style. I wonder if there are any other hidden geniuses in the chess world. Rarely get to see someone so elite. Whew! 🥵
He also strikes me as a very quality person, one that is worth knowing. Such a gem of an individual.
Tuesday, May 28, 2024
M seems to be giving me the cold shoulder out of the blue. No clue why. Weird.
I can't imagine what could be wrong. Anyway, I'm not sitting and wondering for no reason. Oh well, if it's something he should tell me straight out. Strange to randomly act this way though.
Hmmm. I kinda felt bad cuz it just seemed so sudden but idk. If it's deliberate then it's just really mean. And I'm just tired of people being mean for no reason like idk man. If you can treat someone harshly for no reason then what's there to say.
Heh. I'm just craving some niceness for once I guess. Oops.
Demons
Reading more about Zverev. He is such a terrifying guy. Honestly like. Trying to choke his gf, smothering her with a pillow, even him trying to hit the referee on a live broadcast. I felt a sense of complete fear when I read and saw this. I don't know what breaks inside a person so badly that they feel the need to assault someone, let alone a woman.
I just cannot even imagine how horrible it might feel later to remember this too, for the women he assaulted.
Sometimes, I feel like the scars inflicted on you by the horrid actions of others leave you with a deep sense of unease at your core. It depletes you so much, especially abuse.
I was listening to some lecture again by that psychologist lady and one think she said struck a cord. ' people who are competitive, driven etc... are conditioned to believe that obstacles can be overcome. ' So they are prone to also being around shitty people because they believe in changing themselves or the other person because they feel like more effort will solve it. And giving up just feels like admitting defeat so they don't want to do it.
It felt like a light went off in my head cuz that's exactly how I've felt. The giving up part, the wanting to do better so someone will be happier all of that shit. I never really stopped to think about what they are doing for me. I always just relentlessly believed that odds can be overcome and I guess for years I ended up entertaining people who were mean and toxic, thinking they'll change. When I look back, I also see clearly that not a single other person stayed with people like these, none of my other friends ever were close to them. And yet I was a fool. Heh.
Well, cannot undo the past unfortunately.
But I have to remember that the worst of humanity doesn't just come in the form of Zverev. It comes also in the form of people who do smaller things badly. Guilt you, ignore you, pass belittling statements etc. All that is damaging as well. In day to day life, that shit just becomes poisonous. Fuck... I remember that sense of anxiety when you feel like you are walking on eggshells around toxic folks... Idek how I put up with that shit haha. When you are very young, things never seem as bad as they are lol.
Like that lady said, the good ones are the ones that support you when you are down and want to see the best in you, help you be better and happier. I do that for everyone I know, I'm glad I'm that person. And well, I guess that's what I seek in people too.
And I fucking hope to all that is holy that I never have to deal with anyone remotely resembling Zverev lol. Fuck. That dude needs to be in jail.
Monday, May 27, 2024
I feel at ease these days. Back to being my happy old self more or less. Whew. I had missed her these few years but now I'm baaack.
An old friend also reached out. He actually is so sweet he remembers me yearly lmao. Went to some concert in Prague and it happened to be one of the bands he had introduced me to which I had loved. Sent me an entire video of the show and it looked so good.
+ Tiny gestures like these somedays just feel great.
I really appreciate it when something reminds someone of me and they check in with me. I have actually just missed these tiny gestures cuz I find them so meaningful.
Hehe.
I've never been enamoured with the fance side of life, I love the humanness of thoughtful gestures the most. I think it's one of the most important things in life for me. People who have my heart, my goodwill and my love are always the ones who are caring towards me cuz I always notice it and it always makes me feel warm and gooey on the inside like a warm, caramelly sticky toffee pudding.
And now I want some sticky toffee pudding.
27 May 2024
2004
This was the year I fell in love with clay.
Coria was expected to destroy Gaudio, and on the day of the match everything in my soul told me no, Gaudio can do it. P was a huge Coria fan and I just remembered looking at her and thinking... Not today. And two sets down, I distinctly remember thinking... You know what... Fuck it, Gaudio can win this. And then just rooted for him with all my might and soul.
This is a moment that was so significant to me somehow. Maybe my childish, stubborn heart did not want to relent and wanted the universe to make my wish come true. I don't know. But it happened. And till the end I was convinced it would.
Year later, Rome masters finals. One of the finest clay court match I have ever witnessed. Coria-Nadal.
Nadal winning, just a shade better than Coria at every instance. It told me this guy was special. He didn't need anyone to root for him, he will show you how it's done.
~
2024
I looked at his wife, getting a bit misty. I respected Federer for not showing up, he didn't want to take away any limelight I'm sure. And Djoko there cuz like it or not he considers Nadal his biggest rival. And all the others just standing by to pay homage to one of the greats.
Oof.
Now I feel like shedding a tear or two too. Damn.
~
Heart of a complete champion 🏆
Love you so much Rafa.
♥️
Crap
Sometimes I think the constant drug use has addled his brains to a point where he has completely lost any sense of normalcy. A series of pathetic lows made worse by the unhinged assumption that I can't see through them. I think some people are just beyond any help.
Sunday, May 26, 2024
Goat
You are the definition of resilience.
Oh man. Such mixed emotions. And I love you so damn much.
We spoke about her ex husband. How he would do nothing, take money from her and wasn't even bothered to try being nice. When her mum was in the hospital, he went around complaining about how he didn't like the room. A guy who got his education funded by his parents and doesn't earn shit, having the entitlement to say that to people who pay for him. Who took money from her but was cheating on her all along and never even bothered to be decent to her family. Wouldn't even fucking pay for food he ordered at their house when he visited cuz he didn't want to eat at home. That's how cheap and pathetic he was. A guy who wouldn't pay for his own food at his ex wives' parents' house while accepting their hospitality. Yuck. I do not get how she married him either tbh. How do you accept the human equivalent of runny diarrhoea in your life?
I do not get it. I do not get how people like this exist.
I believe at the core of every human interaction lies a transaction. It may not be a romantic word but you have a duty to people who are good to you. And you are in their debt when they are good to you of their own will. I have always strongly believed in this, esp the part where I feel duty bound to folks who have been good to me. That is a very core tenet for me, something that got more ingrained since I am a military kid and duty, honor, respect...all of these are pillars that keep a foundation solid.
Accepting someone's care, concern, kindness without feeling an obligation to give something back in return is just accepting fucking charity.
People like this are fucking beggars of their own making. Low class vermin.
Lmao. This is why I hate narcissists too. They are the exact same way. Just take, take, take and give nothing back. Then again, you can't expect beggars to give anything back. Lame.
I am just fed up with people. Seriously. Just fucking shit. I will never entertain someone like this in my life ever fuck that.
Untangled
The pandemic was when I hit rock bottom. It felt like life has no purpose and I just felt so utterly devasted and was so angry for a bit and then I just shut down then. I never shared most of this with anyone except M, with her I don't feel the need to hide. I don't think anyone else knows and I like it that way.
I feel like my life has two distinct parts now. Pre pandemic and post. Post is when I feel like all the bits that were haywire slowly got streamlined and started becoming cohesive. I am grateful in a large part to M for this too. His presence in my life felt like a new beginning, something I had simply not even fathomed would come about. There's the bits of life that are conscious, and other bits happenstance. I guess in parts that is why I'm so caring towards him too, I feel a sense of idk... It's not alignment, but it's a very deep sense of gratitude that life started to look sunny again.
I guess sometimes people enter your life and change it for the better. AK told me I had done that for him. And I guess M did that for me. And that makes him significant to me. I trust him, and I'm glad he is in my life.
Hehe. Maybe this is why I didn't quit on him despite a lot of what I perceived as meanness earlier. Which may not have been so from his side tbh, but still. There's some stuff I simply haven't forgiven him for, because he never put it right. And maybe I was a bit mired in my own world and a bit erratic as well. It was a journey I had to undertake to remove all the weird fears and obstacles I'd collected along the way lol. Hopefully he didn't bear the brunt of it too much. But for what it's worth, when I care about someone I really do care about them fiercely. As I do all my close friends. There's a part of me that needs to protect, cherish and support the people I care about and I think that's maybe the crux of my soul. I used to fear this instinct lots earlier cuz I felt the wrong person will end up destroying my happiness because I'll be compelled to care and they will be uncaring. I projected that on him, it didn't help that he can't really show it easily lol. Now I don't fear that. I won't ever love the wrong sort of people. Finally hehe. Good strong equations are built of trust that goes both ways and we should be able to relax in that knowledge. Not feeling uneasy etc.
I don't like that my best friend hates him though and thinks so badly of him. She says the same stuff those other people keep posting about him and idk. From the bottom of my heart I hope all of them are wrong.
Anyway, going forward... I do aim to attain lightness and a lot of happy balance. Which I'm sure will come about. I think I have worried too much at times about things having the worst possible outcome and I should not hehe. Maybe cuz I care that much. I won't do that anymore. Life should not be lived stifled, but rather freely. And it feels really good now since I decided to not worry and then just didn't. That's one thing I love about myself. It may take me a while at times to stop being stubborn, but when I do make up my mind to change and be better...I do it, and I make sure I reach the goal.
Now I feel a lot of ease and peace. It's like having steady footing.
And I am glad I didn't quit on him, I am glad he is a part of my life and I hope this turns out to be a good thing in the long run for both of us. Heh.
🥂
Saturday, May 25, 2024
Yet another night I'm just not able to sleep. :(
Starting to like chess more cuz finally able to calculate a bit. Yay. I'm happy. 1943 highest ever I think. Can't wait to crack the 2000s ♥️
I feel v detached lately. Not sure why. But I do. And had a bad nightmare to boot ugh.
Even writing here has lost its appeal, I just hate it. :(
Nuzzing to zay.
Nuzzing
Wednesday, May 22, 2024
Thoughts
I am a very private person. My thoughts, my feelings... Everything used to be stuff I guarded with a lot of fierceness, almost all of my life. Not feeling safe enough to share with anyone coupled with my natural tendency to be possessive of myself.
On a whim, I decided that I'd try to create a small niche where I can be completely honest. And by honest I meant honest. I didn't want to sugarcoat anything. So I could have a mirror of sorts to understand better why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and how to make decisions that are thought out. In doing so, I ended up writing things that are extremely vulnerable to me, as well as giving an overblown insight into me, because my actual life and interactions are a lot more tempered and even. I'm sure most other people too have a similar way of being. Their inner world which noone knows and the outer, which is a lot more visible. While I chose to open myself up this way, it amused me that in some random corner of the world I could choose to be that open and defenceless. I wasn't and am not a risk taker, and while I was okay with being open, I was very careful about always guarding the privacy of others. I never name them, never will. Protecting my own people, even in a small way, means a ton to me. There's maybe 4 people in this world that I chose to share this with over the years and I knew it'll be forgotten by most anyway and yes, that's how it was. With all except one, which I now regret deeply. Plus I didn't care if some random stranger comes across it cuz I mean blah. I don't think my feelings would be of much value to a stranger.
I am wondering now if it's a good idea to continue. When I found out that fucker Pranav was just spying incessantly, behind my back... it was so creepy and violating to know that someone could do that. Someone who at some point knew me and was a friend and then they just keep accessing feelings and thoughts I explicitly did not want to share with them ever. It felt so malevolent, especially given how he had chosen to be a complete abusive asshole to me to my face. I hate him. I find him repulsive asf and I hate him completely and if I could turn back time, I would make sure I had never said hi to him. Cuz I did not sign up for such shitty intrusive behaviour and he has no right over me so to speak, to even consider flouting that boundary. Who should be how close to me is something only I get to decide. Funny thing is I had chosen to overlook his shitty behaviour up until the moment I realised he was acting like a lunatic. And that breach of trust was irreparable. All of it was vile. All of it. And scary asf to boot. And why did I find it so violating? Hmmm. I guess because I explicitly do not consider him close and I do not and will not ever want someone to force their way into my inner world when for years I never let them in. I don't give a shit if he thought he was lonely or upset or whatever the fuck, it doesn't give him the right to invade. People like him just suck cuz they are the ones who do shitty things then act like some self pitying victim.
And now, that stupid email I got the other day is making me paranoid and wondering if it's a good idea to keep it alive. I hate that I feel he could have done it, even though it's abysmally pathetic to bother someone a year and a half after they have stopped talking to you. And to pull such a cheap, in the gutter stunt is stuff I only associate with complete losers. But the fact that I can't quite even think well enough of him to conclude that no, it's just a glitch is just sad.
All in all, it feels like the purpose is defeated. I cannot just be open and honest if I feel like someone is there who should not be. Hell, I don't even tell either of the Ms a lot of this stuff because I don't want my bid at honesty to be detrimental or hurtful to them ever. And they are active parts of my life. Esp as there have been times I've been very angry at one of them in particular, and I would never want him to bear the brunt of it in such an unfiltered way. In fact, I'd happily share everything with either of them cuz I trust them both, but the manner and ways I say it would be a lot different and considerate where it needs to be.
But a third person who also knows me? No. Fuck no. I do not want anyone else to ever know any private details about my circle. The very idea is sickening.
Idk. I'm at the moment just annoyed, repulsed and at the end of the day that feeling of being violated keeps coming back and I guess I'm just done with it all.
Using my personal Id and sending random bs stuff and getting bs emails like this is not it!
Respect
Read something about Rensch being born in an abusive cult and having a shit childhood. Damn dude. You never know sometimes what kind of background someone has... So sad. And he had a kid by 20 like wtf. I feel like people try to work their demons out by having sex that's needlessly risky. And it makes me feel bad to think of those kids too. Rensch seems like a good dude, a good dad. Thank god. Plenty of people aren't.
I sincerely believe that a man comes into his own when he is able to put aside his circumstances and take accountability for himself, his family and in general turns into a dependable guy who is able to be responsible, not just be someone that keeps inflicting their past shit on others and carrying that shit legacy forward. The men I know, who I respect are men in the true sense of the word. V, Ak, even J to be honest. They have all been v responsible when it comes down to their own kin and friends and you can trust them implicitly. I'm glad dude. Esp V. He had a lot of challenges growing up, but now he is not just a military man, he is such a doting son and husband. I respect that. I hope Rensch is too. Don't know much about him, but atleast he persevered and made something out of himself and didn't let his childhood change his adulthood. You can always tell that when someone can openly talk about their challenges. People assume it takes vulnerability, but in reality it takes strength. Nothing weak about overcoming stuff, and being able to speak about it. It just shows self reliance cuz that shit thing doesn't have power over you anymore. Heh. For that, I respect him, truly.
And Sagar. Lmao. Being the innocent adorable Indian he is, I don't think he understood the implications of what Danny was even trying to hint at. Lol. I just have such a soft corner for these kinda boys, they don't realise it but their hearts, minds, morals and principles are all in the right place and they are so innocent it's sometimes hard for them to grasp certain realities. Still. Love that about him.
Tuesday, May 21, 2024
Oh wow it's 22nd already. Dayum. It's AK's bday today right. Heh. Well, I obviously won't ping him but still, hope he has a good day.
In retrospect, days like these make me happy that I had purged all my socials. No half baked, wishy washy on the fringes kinda equations with anyone thankfully.
Aaand tomo it's mum's bday too. Man. 58. That's nuts. Getting on in years. Will send her some flowers, she would love that. :)
~
Aaand it's 5 am I really should get some sleep. Just too damn awake today.
Reading Navarras blog post on lichess and it feels really sad. Kramnik's awful crusade is just so shit. It must be hell to just have your reputation questioned randomly and so publicly. The worst part is how half the people there will have some random shadow of doubt and that's what probably really guts people who are honest.
:(
This world really sucks at times.
Monday, May 20, 2024
Getting emails for push up bras shipped to someone under my name. This is so fucking weird. 💀💀
Felt super sus. Yuck. The last name of the building is the same as mine, it's addressed to my pet name that not many people know, it's right after I clicked pics. Fuck. Better not be that guy again god it would be unbelievably sad if his life hasn't moved on even after so damn long. It's shipped to the city he lived in. Been a year and a half so like pls. Hopefully not and it's just some random coincidence but he is the only one who knows all these deets. 🤮🤮🤮
Why did I ever know that guy fuck. Even without this just remembered how much crazy shit he has pulled and it's so fucking gross. Had forgotten.
Plus I yelled at him, blocked him a while back what more can I even do?
Ugh. Even the thought of him makes me want to puke all over again.
But like honestly a year and a half later, after me being clear I don't want anything to do with him... if he is still around then honestly he just needs help. I can't bring myself to believe that he would sink this low though. It's crossing over to such completely cheap and disgusting category. Idk man. This kinda shit v tacky guys do and I can't think he is that low class. I sincerely hope not cuz not only is it disturbing if he is still obsessed with me, but it's also vv crazy to do stuff like this.
Just hope this is a random coincidence and nothing more. Lol. Worst part is you never know if some shit is a technical glitch or what too. Except it just feels sus that I talk about push up bras and one gets shipped under my name, to my id and right after. And it's not as if my nick name is common so idek.
Ugh.
Blah... I'm sick and tired of people being shitty.
~
All I ever wanna do is live my own life quietly without hassles sheesh. Idk but I don't want to think about it cuz it's creeping me the fuck out so much. It's scary and creepy and v disturbing fuck. I don't like this at all.
And if it's just a coincidence then whatever. Fuck you googs for making me paranoid. 💀
Philomena Cunk
Why.. whyyy is she so funny zomg.
https://youtu.be/Ma8ShBFyE3g?si=VK8LspUli9D2hcAF
Lunch with Cunk is my new fav thing to do lmao. Fuck. Just can't stop laughing at the genius of this woman
Sunday, May 19, 2024
Good vibes only
Aaand my plant is also planting woohoo. Dunno why my hat and a random cup are in my other pot but 🤷♀️
Now just gotta try and make sure I sleep 8 hours straight so I don't wake up looking tired asf. No more post midnight reading or scrolling, be an adult!
Sheesh
BABY STEPS.
Sensual
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I like it when guys like boobs. His hands on them just feels good. As does his mouth. The real reason I like beards. Feels fucking divine.
The few secrets that I don't openly tell.
Xoxo
Changes
"Narcissists were taught in close personal relationships there is something called power."
Damn... That is such a powerful dialogue and so true. Everyone who feels insecure seeks power in relationships cuz they can't imagine that they can just be loved as they are.
The lecture on this left me with quite a few thoughts. Why do some people accept bad partners? Because they believe that's all they should get? Because it feels familiar? Could be.
I noticed at times how C and some boys I know simply can't admit to not knowing anything. How they are so prone to talking over someone and try to compete even when someone isn't trying to compete with them. They can't stand the idea that they are wrong or rather inadequate. Even when that quizzer asked me some question that I was answering, that guy kept talking over me and trying to say the same thing yet didn't actually know the solution. I used to get irritated by it but I've since just chosen to not pay attention to it.
And that's still an annoying traits at best, but if you have some constant need to be the best in front of a crowd and your partner, to their detriment too... Then idk. That's not the greatest way to be.
Lol. M still is able to deal and she doesn't care about these traits. That's nice. I guess what she said about trade off helps.
I too have struggled with the idea of being accepted for just who I am at times. But never so severely that I'd put up with toxic partners. Basically, your parents must have done some shite job as a parent if as an adult the love you accept is shitty love. Or rather, it's not even love at all. Just toxicity.
Would I ever entertain a person like my mom as a partner? Probably not, atleast not unless I'm shown value and care in a way that makes me feel seen and secure. Around her, I felt like my emotions went unacknowledged for large parts of my life. Not fully, but enough to make me feel not validated. And I guess I do now seek wholesomeness and kindness as the most prominent traits. At the very least atleast in words and gestures I wish to feel safe and cared for. Acknowledging me as a person is the one thing I can't do without. Plus you should be able to be honest about what you think and feel without fear of pushback or invalidation. I make a conscious effort to ensure people feel safe with me and can tell me whatever is bothering them. I would like the same in return too.
A lot of people have opened up to me about this kinda stuff. Even S's sister who is so much older than me, told me a whole bunch of stuff when I met her last and it was just the second time we met. I recognise now how trusting they must be of me to be able to openly share this kinda stuff. I've even suspected that maybe M has had some issues in his life that have been quite difficult. I mean tbh it's kinda obvious. At times earlier, I guess I was so used to people opening up that I kinda just expected him to as well. Hmmm. But then I realised that if someone feels soooooo compelled to keep things to themselves, then it's okay...it's not nice to push them into sharing. It reminded me of my earlier self when I'd get all defensive and aggressive if I felt someone was encroaching on something I held precious. While I wish he didn't feel that way, it's still his journey and I wouldn't like anyone to feel imposed upon I guess. He has this thing where he is constantly just fearing attacks. I used to feel like I'm walking on eggshells earlier because of it, but now I feel a lot more relaxed. Just figured whatever happens, happens. You don't have to be a different person for someone to feel comfortable, if they don't feel it the way you are, then maybe it's just something that can't be helped and that's fair too. Hmmm. Having said that, we will only be friends long term if he loosens up and opens up a little bit and shows me care too. Can't be some one way street forever also, that's not fair to me and I can't be expected to be understanding all the time. At the end of the day, whatever bad experiences he may have had, I didn't cause them, and I should not have to pay the price for stuff others did. Viewing me with a sus lens is shitty, it's like Kramnik just accusing people for no reason lol. There's a bunch of things he needs to make up for I feel sometimes, even if I chose to let it go. I wouldn't be able to trust him fully otherwise, and that part is very important to me too. I can't make room for paranoia. Guess he can figure that out on his own. Oh well. Time will decide. 🤷♀️
I do feel sorry though, for people who were raised so badly that it took them ages to break away from that influence. I understand how messy that must have been.
Hope they do overcome all this stuff, it takes a bit of work but once done, it feels great.
The more I've cleaned up and cleared my own lens, the more I find just ease and clarity and genuine solid footing. And the best part is simply that I don't have any fear or even an inclination to think that way, now I'm just like yeah okay we shall see and I trust I'll just be able to make the correct decisions. Was a troublesome two years that got me here, but these are changes that stick so I'm quite proud of it. 😬♥️
The Professor
Sadler is such a good teacher. Really love him. Precise, approachable, always curious and extremely good at breaking down complex concepts. Been intermittently checking out his Leela series and I wish more people had this kind of clarity and power of communication. Plus the amount he must actually be researching. I noticed that he tries out all these lines in his games and I suppose that's him trying to find more novelties in it. Saw a game of his and was such a simplistic marvel to be honest. He manages to convert d4 and QGD type structures into very sharp variants.
I've always respected and loved my teachers, hehe..maybe a bit of a teacher's pet too at times. But only cuz I love learning and have always appreciated those who take the time and trouble to explain things with ease. They make learning a total joy.
What strikes me about him is also the humility with which he communicates. For someone that brilliant, he doesn't have any airs about himself whatsoever. I guess that's what also makes him approachable. Great teachers all have this one quality I notice. They always make you feel like you can do well. I think it has something to do with the purity of their pursuit of knowledge, they don't dilute it with any personal issues. So the attempt is only focused on discussing the subject and no human emotion interference in a way. I like that a lot.
Wish I had known more professors like him. I have known a fair few good ones, but the ones I resonated with the most were ones who in my view atleast were encouraging and had not only a passion for their subjects, but also made you feel like you could ask them any and all questions because they understand your desire to learn and appreciate it.
Goody!
E5 and you win the game. Just beautiful. I'll try this out in some game, I tend to get this position a lot with d4 but haven't played that in a long time.
Watched this video and was fun.
https://youtu.be/5l6mwfsmnBU?si=ByXO-tSw7owpCDZ2
This therapist is really good. V interesting interview style, very empathic, doesn't feel judgemental at all. V cool. I enjoyed this.
~
You know... With all the research I did and all that yadayada... I think to pull back... All that really matters... Is how people around you feel with you. That's all. If they are happy and comfortable and you feel the same about them, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter the labels and non labels etc. Just that with whatever you are given in life, as long as your community and you are cohesively in each others' lives in a beneficial way, atleast 70-80% of the times. That's a great deal all around.
~
Plus she said a nice thing in the end... I really loved that.
"Listen to people's situations when it's not high stakes"
That is so wonderful. I loved that.
" In order to love people, we sometimes have to do things for them when it's not comfortable for us. "
Yes. True. But with practice, you can and it begins with small steps.
Besties
Talking to S after such a looooong time. Hehe. Fuck dude, he and I have been friends for so many yearssss. This is crazy. There are some people who just stay in your life in such a sweet, quiet capacity no. He is my oldest friend that's so cool. Hehe. Man, the number to times I tried to set him up with M. Hahaha. But it's okay I don't see them being a good couple to be honest. He would not have patience for her interests and she for his. Weird that my friends can be so different from each other.
Just didn't even realise how much time passed while chatting. Reminding him of the times he used to sneak into my house with his ex and I made them breakfast at 6 am lmao. Fun times.
A Pickle
Omg the chillies and jalapenos I pickled have actually come out well!!! Aaaaaa. I'm soooo happy and excitedddddd!!!
Fuck... This feels so damn nice hehe. Now I have two jars of pickled stuff 🤭🤭🤭🤭
Omgomgomg I should have pickled carrots tooooooo and beets. Oooo I'll do this nextttt.
Saturday, May 18, 2024
Psychopathy
Heard an entire lecture on psychopathy while out running and I'm struck by one thing. How tf does anyone even measure empathy on a scale? Or decide what are and aren't acceptable levels?
Some of these metrics used just seem a bit sketch at times.
It says psychopaths just do everything premeditated. Especially manipulation. That's quite a scary thought. But the same trait, if applied to science... Would yield good results. And a person prone to doing good research, if they end up having a natural capacity and predisposition to have foresight, that would give them the ability to focus and problem solve well. I don't know if there are any overlaps around these lines actually.
I think in general people who are manipulative must have some elements of psychopathy in them. You have to be able to view someone as an object in order to try and do that, right?
I don't know. My thoughts about all this are too disordered and I don't have enough info.
The most disturbing part of this is how they are supposedly so cunning that they end up being v charming and have people fooled. I've only known one person like that and yes, she is extremely deceptive and also in some strange way prone to wanting every male's attention in her vicinity etc. Hmmm. But even she is someone everyone now avoids so I'm not sure about how much she fools anyone. In fact, lmao. I seem to have stuck around a lot of folks who many people avoid haha. Oops.
But fuck, it's so interesting. The human mind is fascinating asf.
Reading more of Saki and loving it. I'd forgotten what a gem of a writer he was. He actually has a very interesting way of crafting his stories too. They are all hinged on a moral, wrapped inside an instance and a plot twist that highlights it. He must have really sat and thought a lot to be able to come up with such multiple settings. V cool. Digging out my older books and man, feels great to just find so many good ones. I'm glad I've collected books. The only things I've ever indulged and splurged on haha. Growing out of my tomboy phase came with an added wardrobe and the accompanying paraphernalia, but I'm not as fond of all that as I am of my books tbh. That feels nice.
When I read stuff like this:
"You are not to go into the gooseberry garden," said the aunt, changing the subject.
"Why not?" demanded Nicholas.
"Because you are in disgrace," said the aunt loftily.
Nicholas did not admit the flawlessness of the reasoning; he felt perfectly capable of being in disgrace and in a gooseberry garden at the same moment. His face took on an expression of considerable obstinacy. It was clear to his aunt that he was determined to get into the gooseberry garden, "only," as she remarked to herself, "because I have told him he is not to."
... I realise how much of my writing styles and preferences are influenced by authors like him. I have a huuuge amount of love for wordplay and mildly absurdist comedic situations. Hehe.
Also, gooseberries yuckky. So gross they taste 🤢
~
What an utter joy this paragraph is:
Nicholas made one or two sorties into the front garden, wriggling his way with obvious stealth of purpose towards one or other of the doors, but never able for a moment to evade the aunt's watchful eye. As a matter of fact, he had no intention of trying to get into the gooseberry garden, but it was extremely convenient for him that his aunt should believe that he had; it was a belief that would keep her on selfimposed sentry-duty for the greater part of the aftemoon. Having thoroughly confirmed and fortified her suspicions, Nicholas slipped back into the house and rapidly put into execution a plan of action that had long germinated in his brain. By standing on a chair in the library one could reach a shelf on which reposed a fat, important-looking key. The key was as important as it looked; it was the instrument which kept the mysteries of the lumber-room secure from unauthorized intrusion, which opened a way only for aunts and such-like privileged persons. Nicholas had not had much experience of the art of fitting keys into keyholes and turning locks, but for some days past he had practised with the key of the schoolroom door; he did not believe in trusting too much to luck and accident. The key turned stiffly in the lock, but it turned. The door opened, and Nicholas was in an unknown land, compared with which the gooseberry garden was a stale delight, a mere material pleasure.
~
Maaaaan... Writing like this is such a lost artform it makes me sad. Barely anyone would read it and even chuckle at words like sorties and the beauty of the craft here fuck. Books like these will never sell now. Lmao. And these are the kind of things I wish to write haha. Well, fuck it. I'm gonna write for me cuz I like to write and I'd love to caress words and make them say what I mean but with a teeny tiny twinkle of mischief.
All hail obscurity, a thing I must be gunning for but who fucking cares. One life, let's go.
Friday, May 17, 2024
First laugh of the day just seeing that clip lmaooo. That sounds he made hahahah. Fuck. Ugh... He is sooo goofy at times zomg. Such an ass. All my annoyance also melted off. Well, I wasn't annoyed at him, just at the world in general that keeps shitting on him. I hate how hurtful it must be for him to read that shit about himself. It's just horrid. What a tough and shitty spot to be in. Fuck it, fuck the world. I won't let them colour my opinion. Not right to put someone under such stress either and I've seen how idiotically sensationalist some people are, won't believe them over my own judgement.
Ughuhuhhuhuhh it seems hahahah. Silly fellow. Oh man, I'm laughing again at that fuck how does it come so naturally to him to be like that lmaoooo. TOTAL ASS. But one I'm vv fond of. ♥️
Animated
Did a double take seeing this in my suggestions lol.
If I had an anime avatar, it would probably be this way, sans the gun ofc. 💀
Dandelion
Read The Open Window lmao. What a good story. I love Saki.
~
The rains make my apartment so chill and windy and soothing. Just sitting here reading and musing with soft music and a cup of soup and I just feel sooooo damn nice. Fuck.
Something about rainy days; it makes everything slow, and cold. I find it so pleasant.
~
One day I'll write a small scene like this :
"The cold wind brushing past my face as I strive to finish the story I'm immersed in. The light of the lamps is muted enough to cast a soft glow across the room. Not intrusive, just happy to help. My legs tucked under me as I lean against the backrest of my favourite couch. Your head in my lap, as you scroll on something while sprawled out on the couch. Absentmindedly, I caress the top of your head from time to time. There's a subtle awareness at a very peaceful level that if there is bliss on earth, it's right here in this moment."
I think I do imagine bits of domestic bliss to be this way. Just calmly chilling with each other, being affectionate and feeling the warmth of each others' company. There's a lot of beauty in silence and regular, ordinary moments of life. And it is exquisite.
By the time I'm old and grey, I want to have a large collection of these kinda moments. To me, that would be a life well lived.
Whenever I see any of the latest vlogs by pewds... I always notice the wholesomeness of it all. How he is such a nice father, and such a loving husband. I'm sure they have their ups and downs but you can't question his love and loyalty for his family. And his friends.
My inner world is very calm and peace loving. And soft. My outer layers a lot of the times were defensive, because my environment forced me to feel like I want to protect myself. I don't want that to be the future. I don't want to feel the need to protect myself. I want my environment itself to be protective of me, and for me to feel happy and safe and at ease all the time. I don't want to be like M's friends' mom who felt the need to protect herself and her kid from that abusive dad. Even in a small way, I don't want to ever be in a situation where I'm on high alert. There are trade-offs and compromises I'm happy to make in life for people, but I'm not willing to put myself in a situation where I have even an iota of a doubt that a person in my circle is not a good person.
That r post was tough for me to read. I don't believe harsh words and meanness is a way to help someone grow. Making someone feels inferior is not okay. It's been bothering me lots.
He once said...'No son of mine would play like you' to his friend. I didn't like that line then. I didn't point it out because it's between them but to me it wasn't funny. Knowing that guys' family history and the countless number of times his dad has abused him. To then say something like this openly to a kid who you consider a friend. Do you really not see how wrong it was? How awful it is to attempt crush someone's spirit like that? Because why? Who cares if he doesn't play well, not everyone has to become an elite player whether or not they have the potential. That kid stays with an abusive asf lady because he craves love so much, him putting up with lines like this is just more of the same. Please see that. I'm a woman, and my instincts eventually go towards creating a wholesome environment. And if I ever have a kid, and that kid turns out to be the biggest doof on the planet, I would still never allow for his father to say something like 'you can't be my son if you play this' etc.
Lol. Similarly, I don't want to ever doubt that you'd be anything but kind and caring and a goofy dad. One that only loves them to bits and is supportive and sweet even if they are complete idiots. I hope my read into you having your heart in the right place is the correct one, and everything else is noise.
I guess it bothered me lots to read that shit, and the worst part was not a single person said otherwise. The most I saw was that one account saying oh I believe the bit about berating a student cuz the student may have said something stupid. Saying something stupid isn't giving anyone a licence to be mean. Humiliating someone isn't cool, it goes into abusive territory. Being insensitive to others isn't some great achievement.
I don't know how much of that is true, how much exaggerated and I don't care to think of it any more because I don't want to think badly of you. And I don't.
It's not like I haven't seen you be gentle, I have. I understand it's hard to deal with someone like A as well. And I know you want to see him happy and make good choices. I see all that as well. And I know in my heart that you would like to see him do well.
I guess maybe I wish to witness a touch of humility, gentleness and strength in you outright, one that seeks to be good and kind. That's my honest, heartfelt wish and I hope someday I can proudly state that you are a good man. Just that. And that others can too. Freely, openly, repeatedly. Just... Oh man, he is so nice. That's the best brag I'd actually want to say about you. Not that you have xyz accomplishments, but that my god, you are just so nice and I am so lucky you are in my life.
The thing that M said about C... What we discussed yesterday... That his habit of pretending to be a know it all doesn't bother her etc... and even I indulge it for her sake... Was that she doesn't mind those annoying traits because she gets the love, respect, and care she wants from him so this doesn't seem like a big deal.
And I understand that. I think I'm also v inclined to care about someone and make sure I am nurturing and will find it easy to make room for a whole lot of quirks like that... Provided the other person also treats me with respect and care.
~
Cuz she asked me a very honest question... " What do you get out of it? Do you feel happy, secure or cared for?" These are the fundamental questions you need to answer.
And she is right.
Well, fuck it. Whatever happened, happened... But going forward, things can be different. No point dwelling, easier to just be happy and learn to be discerning.
Thursday, May 16, 2024
Oh great. Just scrolling and found another post and idk what kind of gems will show up there, hopefully none.
I am just pissed off rn. Like seriously. I hate reading shit stuff about him and for once I'd like it if someone just wrote something goddamn nice.
I am legit angry at the moment man. So much I feel like ranting. I want to actually just tell him a few things to be honest. But I don't really know how to. And I don't like difficult conversations either. I just wish he would realise a few things on his own though, it's all very well to not care about stuff but it sucks to have to read vile stuff written about him all the time. And in general I have my own perspective on certain things but sharing that would mean having a very naked conversation with him and I don't know if he would like it or even if I would like it cuz you can't tell with these things. There are a few things I feel he does objectively wrong and I wish he didn't. Even if it's for the sake of perception. I'm not jaded nor am I unaware of the nature of the world but he kind of seems to be oblivious to it at times and I just wish he wasn't. Ugh. This is just me wanting to protect him to be honest but how would I ever communicate that in a neutral way? Idk. I hate this helplessness.
Fuck.
Ultimate Jam
For the love of Space Jump, and 64 bit games, playing in arcades and the thrill of chasing high scores.
Lets. Fucking. Go.
In the vein of Camus, and licking the tips of lollipops. Because we can do it all.
G4 is glorious 🥺
Tried g4 and man it was fabulous. Lost but fuck what a sharp ass game. Oof. This is a beautiful opening I want to try it more.
Need to seriously switch to longer games cuz this will be super fun I bet. Gotta try
Home sweet home
Whew... Finally home. Today was exhausting. Socialising makes me tired nowadays lol. Declined an invitation to go out again today evening didn't wanna drink or be out. Fuck. Gone are the days when I'd just be out all the time. Hehe. I like meeting friends but these days I seem to want to keep that also not too extensive. Gave away my beer also last night, just felt so stuffed. Is this called growing up? Seems so.
I've become a lot more silent I noticed. Just observe people more than engage with them. Kinda nice. The quiz dude invited us to come for some other event he is conducting. He seemed sweet, randomly quizzed me on some trivia then handed us one crossword he worked on saying solve it later haha. I like these nerdy people, just have some interest they deep dive in. I think he said he has read game of thrones some ten times like whoa. Great use of time lol. Think I killed his buzz a bit by insisting RRMartin won't finish the series but it's true, he won't. Fucker is just lounging around enjoying his days and doing no writing.
Oh well, all in all, was a decent couple of days. Too tired to work on anything today, will just chill and read and do stuff tomo. Woohoo.
Haven't even played any chesssssss. Lol will just tank rating. I wished Sadler how cute is it that he, Murray and M are all born on the same day. Sadler has the nicest grandpa vibes, he uses emojis and all hahaha. Adorbs. All my fav peeps born in May, huh? Actually... May just has so many birthdays it's crazy.
Filters
Fuck it. Distracting by adding more sketch filters to my own pics. Lol.
~
I can just make an entire series of these man..dayum. That might actually just be fun. Hard to get angles cuz I can't seem to click with my left and lmao I'm not asking someone to click for me ahha.
I've never done self obsessed photography but would feel nice. Just feel like it sometimes.
It'll actually be fun to make a composite pic.
Okay that stuff on r is just horrible wtf. Man, people on the internet are just jobless losers. Seriously.
I wish for once that he would show some sweet sides without reservation and just be nice outright. But then again that will just be random faking it to cater to strangers. Idk I can't really say this to him he won't take it well but ugh. I don't like reading all this shit about him and if my friends knew they'll just think he is horrible too and I don't want them to. Aaaaaaaa. I felt vv bad reading that stuff. :( :( :(
Why do random people just have such awful things to say about himmmmmmmm.... Whyyyyyyyy
Idk if it's the same person as last time but I doubt it. Someone asked that and they said no as well and I doubt anyone would care enough to lie. I mean you gotta be severely jobless to sit and bitch about someone you knew ages back or met just once or twice idk.
And this guy also... Must have berated that student thinking it's a good way to teach or something lol. Smh. Sometimes I just feel like talking to him about certain social do's and don'ts but then he will berate me only hahahaha. Oh well. It'll blow over.
I can't even show this shit to M, she also doesn't like him so will just tell me he is nasty and to stay away. 💀
Oddly, one of the reasons I actually liked him in the beginning was simply that he can't be bothered to be nice lmao. In general I felt like okay atleast he isn't being a snake and faking it or anything so I find that kinda trustworthy. But yeah maybe that temper needs a bit cooling off and little more gentleness I would appreciate even now. Still, that what I would prefer on my own personal level anyway. Not something to be known to outsiders.
~
And this fucking chess world dude. Last post on F and they were all defending dating 17yos saying it's legal and they are adults etc so idk they are all fucking morons imo. Sooo many of them just being dicks maybe cuz noone wants to touch their dicks. What an f.
Everyone is crazy bruh.
Wednesday, May 15, 2024
Black, white, red
Since I'm doing zero fucking around...Just feel like admiring my own self lol. Eff it.
Something about black and white pics feels really good.
Old fashioned
The reason I drink whiskey sour - no place I go to...ever, EVER... has a good fucking Old Fashioned. Ugh.
Stupid B drink.
Cheers.
Party
Out celebrating a friend's bday, the music is nice and I'm keeping everyone at bay and I'm planning to as well lmao. What a good lil girl I am.
BUT
I am winning at the quiz and I'm happy. Yaas. Leading the tournament 185 points to 95 points lmao. Absolutely epic.
~
🏆
~
Sitting next to this couple that's so incredibly sweet and down to earth. When I was younger, I'd have felt like ohhh too simple..now when I see them my first thought is - pick a guy like him... One who is sweet to you, who wants to see you smile, and who drapes his arm around you casually cuz he just feels so lovely and at ease with you. It's so nice man. No ego, no meanness, just casual sweet banter and genuine love. Damn. I also want this. Lol shit. I'm v clear on this though. I don't like life with a person that's mean, that makes you feel small would ever, ever be worth it. And I will not make that mistake ever. That's the best part I'm noticing about this guy... How he is just himself. Is nice. No airs and graces, no need to be anyone other than himself. You just know guys like these are very secure in themselves and aren't shady. And that's the best part of men who are secure in themselves. You never have to watch out for funny games or anything they'll just be good to you and you can be good to them and things are even. Hehe. I'm done with being made to feel bad finally huh? Yes. And people who try to make me feel small or like I'm insignificant. Just finally done for good. : )
And deffo not someone like C fuck me he is so fucking annoying aaaaaa. Fuck so unbelievably know it all and doesn't know anything how can someone be so dumb and so aggressive fuckkkkk
~
I'm even seeing kids here and honestly I can do without lol. But I'd like a nice group that I love chilling with and a partner with whom it's fun to be social. Like idk. Fancy places are fun but even regular places, I just like having a good crowd and ever so often hold court heh. I can be damn good in social settings if I choose. Even though I say it myself 😇
~
Aaand this showed up on my feed lmao. So true.
Tuesday, May 14, 2024
♥️
~
When I see this, a bit of it reminds me of my childhood. I never wanted to 'be someone' and I hated everyone constantly pushing me and trying to make me accomplish great things lol. I was born with a few natural talents that made me stand out. Like the ability to sketch which was inborn, my near perfect memory that let me remember accurately anything I read or focused on just once, stuff that made me be at the top of my class for most of my primary and middle school years without even trying. It all simply came naturally to me. I used to feel like such an impostor because people around me would try hard and stuff they found tough, came really easy to me. I remember that strange sense of awe my mom used to have because I'd spend hours just reading, inhaling books out of sheer interest and curiosity. Yet, what none of them understood about me was a very simple fact - I wanted to be loved for me, the person I was. And not the things I could do.
Lol. My entire teenage and early adulthood was centered around this tussle of control and how much I hated my dad for never taking an interest in me unless it was about stuff I could accomplish.
Damn. I've let all that go now. I am happy, I have chosen my own direction, I more or less know what I wish to do, who I want to be, and I'm capable of pursuing the things I want.
And yet, the part of me that hasn't changed is simply that I still want to be liked and cared for - for being the person I am, and not for what I can do for you.
Interesting.
Breaking the cycle
The thing with the past experiences is - if they were bad, sometimes we just get so stuck trying not to repeat the mistakes made then that we unwittingly damage our future by being assholes at times to people whose fault it wasn't. Or by projecting our apprehension on them at times.
I think I've done that a few times. I was never like that before but yeah, I definitely did make that mistake post A. Still, I stopped and pulled back and I don't think I actively inflicted any meanness on anyone anyway. I'm glad.
But just as I don't intend to make anyone feel the brunt of this, I also don't want to be on the receiving end of bullshit for stuff I didn't do wrong to anyone. I think I have paid that price for no reason, when I was subjected to someone's fears and paranoias and I don't see why I should be made to make up for errors that were made by other people in their lives. So unfair. I will not entertain this shit though. I've made up my mind about that. If someone doesn't see the good in me, it's cool. Going forward, that will just be my cue move on and find people who do. 🤷♀️
Research
I started out researching cluster B disorders out of a sense of curiosity as well as wanting to see if there's some elements that can be used to craft certain characters. Deep diving into bpd was like ohhhh boy. I don't even get how people exist that way to be honest. It's such a painful way to live. Some of the stuff I can't even relate to or understand. Like the feelings of emptiness cuz you don't know who you are at your core. How can that even be? And from that stemming the intense need to relate to others etc. I'm actually completely lost about this cuz the concept itself feels v foreign to me. But it made me feel quite bad to imagine someone having to wilfully live like this. And one of the lectures I saw said people like this self harm as a distraction like bruh. He called it "meditative" and that they self harm in minor ways cuz it takes away the feelings of emptiness. And they can be suicidal too. Idk man, at that point I wanted to legit just give up the research cuz I can't ever use something like this in a story or for a character. It's such a brutal existence, feels v wrong and exploitative to even go there to be honest. I know compelling characters are made of conflicts and struggles but I cannot be the kind of person that uses stuff like this for entertainment. 💀
Explosive reactions all the time over something minor was something that made me think though... A used to do that all the time... Just took something minor as insulting and immediately lash out. I've always been conflict averse and seeing that kind of reaction used to make me give in to them cuz I felt like okay if it matters so much then why not. And I hated that feeling of just being on eggshells around them so giving in to them seemed easier. But fuck. The resentment you build up over time to these people is unreal. I never let her back in my life after. And now I feel like oh boi. I don't know if it was a legit disorder or shades of it that made her and a couple other people behave the way they do, but dayum. Either way, it doesn't matter cuz it was extremely unhealthy behaviour and v toxic. Yeah, I mean I can empathise if someone feels bad etc but that doesn't take away from the collosal damage they do to you. Like with her, I think I was just constantly in a space of high alert and I guess emotional abuse wasn't a common term then, but yes, that's what it amounted to. Even today, she is so jealous of Di and me being friends that the minute she realises it, she starts trying to win back one of us. It's crazy and so fucked up.
Eeeyeah I don't think I want to learn more about this lmao. Too fucked up it seems.
Monday, May 13, 2024
Rains
Little bouts of rain and the city reverts back to its olden day charm and temperature.
Had a weird dream that I now can't remember but it was like a movie all vivid. Feel groggy everytime I wake up from one of these cuz it feels unfinished.
Tiny things
Heh... Yesterday, I just said happy mothers' day to some friends and their moms. And everyone wished back except M. Would it have been so hard to wish my mom for once? Lol.
It's such a small thing, just a simple... "Wish your mum the same." And yet he didn't even think to do so. Heh. That's the funny bit. I'm pretty certain it actually just didn't occur to him that my mom matters, and matters to me. :) How sad huh?
Inconsiderateness towards me I can handle but the thought of anyone being inconsiderate towards my family or friends is deffo not something I will. Hmmm.
Not reading too much into it, just can't help noticing these tiny things at times. Plus he chose not to wish me on my bday too so like... Blah.
Anyway, no point thinking of these things why bother? 🤷♀️ Chuck it.
Modern Family
Watching an episode of Modern Family called Regrets Only. I actually related to some of the stuff in it. Esp the bits where you feel overlooked and unimportant when your partner seems to not pay attention or listen to you and they do this unconsciously so you just feel like you don't matter. Dayum. So true.
I always find it hard to verbalise this but it cuts me very deep when I feel like my existence is merely to make someone else feels good about themselves but they in turn don't actually ask or pay attention to me. And I can always tell when someone is all about themselves. So many people in my life have been like that. Not partners though, except V. I hope that never happens again. In fact, most times in life it's actually been good esp with AK and J. They were both very concerned about me and wanted to know me well and were very sweet and attentive and loving. I always felt very cherished with them. I guess they are somewhat of a benchmark in my mind when it comes to good relationships, because both knew intuitively how to be close and how to show love and affection. Hehe. Nice. I'm pretty sure when I do fall in love, it'll be with a man who is intuitively in sync with me in that sense. And for all the little things like these that matter to me so much. I think that's more or less what I'm looking for. Someone who makes me feel loved in tangible ways, makes me feel like I matter to them and makes me feel at ease. I'm used to being supportive of people in my life and I think it's only fair for them to be the same towards me as well.
Jay ends it with how important listening is in a marriage and I agree. I think both people should make sure the other knows how valued and appreciated they are to keep things happy and balanced.
Sunday, May 12, 2024
Lounging Lingerie
Waking up to see my skin feels excellent and a bunch of pics I took of my new bra lol. I wish I could post it openly but then it'll feel like I have an OF 💀
The only time I regret not fucking around is when I like some lingerie and have noone to send the pics to lmao. Ugh. MORE FOR ME.
~
Or you know... I can just slap a filter on and call it art. 🤷♀️
Knock knock
Dammit. Everytime I have wine I feel like taking my pants off and doing some roleplay. Ugh... Nothing actually gets me off like some good fucking role play.
Something about letting the demons out while taking phantom risks. Umm umm ummmmm.
Now I wanna listen to cringe songs and go clubbing it's been fucking ages. And listen to this:
~
Now listening to
Man, I love dancing and music fuck fuck fuck.
~
Jazz it up
New age fusion Jazz kicking ass. Period. Suck it Mikes Davis.
Ps. - Do we prefer something more sophisticated? Then here's one of my all time favourites. The beat of the piano rhymes with my soul. I'd like you to know how to play me.
Having you inside me might just be addictive.
Wine, Cheese, Chocolate
Drinking toniiiight. Ugh. Hate red wine but okay. Lol
All my stupid wine glasses broke so here's to wine in a beer glass who cares fuck it... Cheeerssss.
Oops played a game tonight and lost hehehehhehe. Fuck it.
Cheers
As I finish chapter 3, I realised how tough certain things can be to get right. I'm v happy to share this with my family and friends today mostly. And I love how supportive and nice they are. That's the one true test I have in life for people. I believe those closest to you should lift you up and cheer your efforts too. And I always notice who does and doesn't. But I'm glad now most people in my life seek to show me positivity and I can rely on them being in my corner every time. These are things that should come naturally to people who care about me and it does. That's so fucking awesome. Glad I am to know you all. Much love. ♥️
Okay time to get in the zone let's goooo
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