Seeing old pics now. So much of it is bittersweet. I felt like an outsider in so many moments of my life. Even now, I don't have that feeling of belonging somehow. But I guess it'll come in due time. Hmmm. 

The weird thing about nostalgia no. I think I spent so much of my time running away from stuff that I barely focused on where I actually want to go lol. If that makes sense. What's that quote? " Wherever you go, there you are?" Or something like that. But yes. 

In some sense I blamed circumstances outside of my control. But maybe a lot also had to do with me not being in a space where I was taking active steps to ask myself what do I want? 

Lol. I just sent some random thing about RaGa to M and he just said some perfunctary line about asking his other friends about politics and just that one moment kinda stung me. I just felt like... People you actually talk to?

I don't think in my entire life I've ever been treated that way. Ever. At the time I wondered what the reasons could be and now I realise whatever the reasons are, nothing justifies hurting me like that. If I'd done the same, I'm sure he wouldn't have given a shit why I did it. 

Well...For starters, I want people to treat me right and be nice lmao.

Haha. Meh, fuck it whatever. I told myself I'm letting it go and I have. No point dwelling.

Plus a person should actively want you in their life, of their own choosing. That's just fundamental and it's fine if someone doesn't. I hate feeling like someone got stifled or felt threatened and it's not the right thing to push them in that kinda corner too. Guess that's what it came down to in the end for me. Distress, coercion, a sense of... "If I don't do this, I'll lose this person etc"... These are not fears I want anyone to have about me nor do things for me because they fear losing me or something. They should feel happy, safe and comfortable, and actually want to see me happy and make me also feel good and safe with them. Plus if someone doesn't even care that much about me then... idk... what's there to say...So leave it. Been through enough in life as it is haha, can't keep getting hurt all the time lol. Gotta protect myself too. Funny but now I've also let go of any expectation of consideration on his part for me. But I guess that's just how it is, that right he had to earn and he hasn't so it is what it is too. He needs to be able to create that feeling of safety in me also, that is not up to me. All that stems from a place of strength and an internal desire to care about a person. Can't be faked. Anyhoo, not coming back to these thoughts again. 

For now...All I want to do is work hard and create something I find value in. The latter bit is very important to me cuz I need that sense of purpose in work otherwise just starts feeling v empty. And I want to feel like I can make something that noone can take away from me in some sense. Carve a niche that's genuinely mine and I can be proud of. 

In general I think chasing goals just feels good, you can immerse in it and the payoff is happiness. So I'd like to focus on that and a couple other things I have in the pipeline. 

I actually found a good idea that I think can work too. So kinda excited to see what shape and form it can take. 

This shall do for now.