Ugh I do noooot feel like going all the way to K zomg. That too for that shit movie 😭😭

Wild rumors swirling lol. It's crazy how easily they get started and make their way around. 

Cold always gets me sniiiifffff ugh. I hate being sick ughhhh

Alcaraz is like a puppy. Just such a happy soul. I hope his innocence lasts. It's easy to be positive for people who are also naturally gifted and breeze to the top. I suppose having a good countenance when you struggle is a lot more commendable. Anyway, I'm just meandering here lol. Seeing meddy dejected asf by contrast was quite jarring. 

~

Hmmm. 

Ok I have nuzzing to zay today. Nuzzing. Nuzzing. 

Finally USO time. I root for noone, I live my life on the edge muhahahah. 

PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD I WANT SOME COOL FINAL NOT SINCARAZ AGAIN PLS O GODS OF WELL STRUNG RACQUETS MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

~

Zomg carlitos with that hairdo ok he should lift the trophy with that look. Low key love that he doesn't give a fuck about hair good kid. Let's goooooo

People genuinely fascinate me. Doing this podcast digging and I actually find myself noticing traits and mannerisms. I think it's so hard to fake authenticity. Maybe that's why I love books too. There's something very touching about a well told tale. 

~

Regular people have so many more interesting things about them than the world gives them credit for. It's like we live in this bubble of distraction where we are told to see or like certain things. But if you remove that filter, you can get a whole lot of wholesomeness easily. 

~

I like this dude and his wife together so chill and happy. He is definitely a smart person but he doesn't have some weird need to make others feel dumb. I like that. Too many insecure folks out there. This is refreshing. 22 years of marriage and still so happy damn. It's amazing. This lady reminds me of P. Very similar to look at as well as vibe.  Sweet. 

Ramblings

Period time just wipes me out but at the same time I feel as if I have to push myself to workout. I feel my legs have gotten stronger esp now that I'm trying more flexibility stuff. Stretching just helps with stiffness so much. Haha idk why I never paid attention to it as much till now. Signs of getting older that it needs to be part of routine now. Somedays it just feels like zomg no more but then I always feel good once I'm done. Silly inertia. 

~

Finding weird yt channels, it's interesting that I like all older OG ones. Hadn't ever known these people even existed. Internet is so funny that way. You never know when you find something strange or cool. And this dude on his podcast going I'm a 47 year old man. Damn man. And then he talks about peeing himself in bed. Man. It takes courage to share something like that huh. Interesting. Their main channel is also so old world. Mythical morning it seems haha... With sets like those old nickelodeon shows. This is so old world and antithetical to yt today. Wow and his kid is 22. That's crazy. I guess not so crazy 40 yos typically do have teens atleast. Hmmm...guess the only one I knew was so immature that it was hard to imagine him doing or even being capable of anything responsible. Heh. It's funny that a stranger knows me so well though. For ten odd years I didn't know what to write about and then one day I just followed my instinct and bared my soul. It was so unplanned and visceral for me. I never really revisited a lot of the stuff I wrote either. I just knew I wanted to be honest. Only to one day realise oops some people know it and have access to it. That was quite a sucker punch. I wonder how I would have felt if I hadn't known about his prying. Atleast from my side I called it out. I wonder if he ever figured out that was me being nice to him too. Like hey I know you are there and you should know I know it just in case. Lol. It's weird. I don't think you know someone until you actually know them anyway so like fuck it. Not sauntering down this lane. 

I used to think of saying hi earlier, but then I realised it's not as if they couldn't have said it themselves or done a million things differently. It's funny how in my mind that just became a full stop like hey no more effort from my side and no more catering to indirect stuff. It wasn't me being manipulated earlier either, it was me being considerate and nice, and I would only do that again if it's returned in full measure. It was a litmus test I was sure he would fail but I guess it was important to me to be responsible to myself. 

A piece of it definitely is holding space for only those who treat you well. For whom it comes naturally and it's their primary instinct. Like it is for me. I love to make people I care about feel safe and happy. I don't want to live in fear of abuse or ill treatment in return. And if someone can't be nice once on their own then there's something severely wrong there. I guess that's for them to figure out, it's not something I want to tackle. It's not as if niceness is some debt I want to collect either. I suppose I just see it more or less as I chose to be nice to someone and they weren't to me and that's that. I guess it's a good way to filter out NPD too. Those people can never value someone and they'd rather die than accept or show someone they care because I guess they feel small and insignificant if they do. I definitely do not want that or anything that mimics npd in my vicinity. Realising that in the last few years I've lost an aunt, a grandmother, a friend got cancer and a person I cared about didn't so much as ask me how I'm doing in that timeframe is not just unbalanced, it's really messed up. Means I simply should not have cared about this person from the start, since they never extended me any care or anything decent really. I would never leave someone I love or care about feel unsafe or hurting. Never. And I sure as shit wouldn't hurt someone and then leave them hurting and act like I'm sleeping to avoid them. Then add them to dumb fuck status messages of all things like how fucked is that. Lol. So why should I not have the same decency in my life too? Even wording this feels like wow such low standards what I want is the absence of abusive behaviour lol. Very, very, terrible on my part. 

Bottom line is I want good intentions and good actions in my life. I hate manipulations anyway like just... Anyway... Simply not something I can respect. Irritates me even now when I think of it lol. Hehe. Maybe some part of me just wants to yell at him for being an asshole. It's more likely that I start laughing and forgive because well, Imz my own enemy lol. The balancing act between two desires - hold ground because you gotta do right by self vs ugh I don't want to take things too seriously ergo forgive and forget. Which is why I shall not listen to that part that makes me want to forgive without any evidence as to why I should lmao. 🚫 Nein nein nein! Lol. 

~

Everyone has a podcast these days. How very boring. One of my gripe with yt now is it's all some weird food shows or very overly produced content. Ugh. So saturating. And those dumb thumbnails with weird faces on them. I suppose it's more clickbaity but still. 

~

Hmm. I like this fellow Rhett. Seems sweet. Something about the vibe of older dudes they are just so chilled out and seem responsible. I like that stuff. Low key and non pretentious and most importantly nice. No meanness, no putting people down, no cheap or shitty behaviour. Hehe. I can't believe I'm listening to him talk about peeing himself though lmao. Wtf. Hahahaha. Damn man. Crazy are the things you find. 

~

I'm genuinely a fan of authenticity. Lack of pretense says to me how much people are at ease with themselves and I gravitate to that. Feels safe. People impact us with their behaviour more than we admit. 

I read a question today which asked how do you know someone is mean... That was interesting. I feel like my friend is dating a very mean person and she doesn't seem to see it. Maybe sometimes it feels familiar to people and they fall for the times that person is being nice. The other day at her place... She was talking and he just ignored it and pretended like he couldn't hear her... I could tell she was hurt. And the tone of voice with which she asked... How does he not hear me... Like so confused. That moment gave me the ick. Your personality should never be so meek that you never see these signs for what they are. Complete meanness. I wish she would leave him, I really do. Hmmm. Nvm. Can't solve this for someone. 

~

Want to continue revisiting O Henry and Saki. I like that they stood the test of time for me. Their stories are exactly as lovely as I remember them being back in the day too. 

~

Wow I like how this Rhett person talks of his wife. I think upbringing just matters a lot. People who are insecure and damaged can never speak fondly of their partners. They always say something mean or something that highlights themselves, but fondness... That's something only people who are caring get right. I guess that is a good tell. Look for folks who can speak of someone fondly hehe. I bet I can too. I think I absolutely adore the people I adore and will simply dote on them lots ahha. I do love doting on folks lol. Makes me feel so good and warm and cosy inside lol. Hehe. I consider myself fairly authentic too, atleast I know I keep trying to be that way. Hopefully it translates well to people around me. I can't sustain unauthentic equations either from my side. It just drops away at some point cuz I juuuust can't live a lie. I guess I trust that to help me navigate life well. 

~

Ok cycling done finally ugh today was a struggle. And now for stretching oh boy. So tired and still gotta do it.....!!! Save me world. 😵

~

Ooo lichess has bullet titled arena today nice. I'll watch latah woohoo. I hope that ediz kid plays he is so good! Hope he wins. Naro doesn't seem to do as well these days. Let's see what happens today. 

Sometimes I yearn for a good debate... It's been a looooong time since I just heard someone talk passionately about something. Ugh. Maaaan. Small joys of life. Too bad the best I can find rn are some oxford debate vids haha. Oh well. Tide me overrrr

Sunny day finally after so damn long. Man I love blue skies so cheery. Oof. Sometimes wish I had a dog too. But I'll have to pick up poop everyday so no thanks. Sometimes I wish I could dog sit. That might be nice. 

~

But slowly, as her strength returned, she began to tell him her little story. There are a thousand stories like hers in the city every day. 

It was the shop girl’s story—not enough pay, illness, a lost job, lost hope. 

And then the adventurer at the green door.

But to Rudolf it was not a little story. It was a big story.

“And you suffered all that!” he said.

“It was really bad,” said the girl.

“And you have no family or friends in the city?”

“None.”

“I am all alone in the world, too,” said Rudolf.

“I am glad of that,” said the girl. And it pleased the young man to hear that she was glad he was alone. 

~

Sometimes words can be so damn sweet man. Just. 

"But to him it was a big story."

That's such a beautiful insight. Tiny things about people you like are always big things to you while they might be insignificant to the world. Hehe. I love it. 

~

This is such a sweetly crafted story. 

Ugh. She looks so prettyyyy. Maaan, the elegance of a simple gown is just 🥵. I love it. I've hated weddings always but these simple ones are actually sweet.

 Raves getting married today zomg. How time flies man. Damn. 

Star wars

Ugh..I really do love star wars dammit. May the 2200th post be about you. Love love love so damn much. 

Oh my godddddddd aaaaaaaa

How effin cuteeeee aaaaaaa zomgggggy

Starry, Warry, Rainy Nights

Rains and Star Wars. What a combo ♥️

~

It's been so dreary and rainy the last few weeks. Every time I feel like stepping out it just pours for a good 15 mins lol. But lately I've kinda taken to rains. Not as bad as they seemed earlier. There was a time when this city was perenially cloudy, god that was depressing asf. Always needed sunshine and blue skies. But now cloudy weather doesn't seem all that bad either. 

~

Talking to dad and that man has finally learnt to relax hehe... It feels like a good change. And he puts little hearts on my dinner pics haha...I really like that. 

~

I hope everyone just remains happy hehe. 

~

Wow I have 2199 posts damn. I never realised how much I wrote in the last few years... For a decade or more I rarely ever had anything to say. Haha, or rather I felt it was too fake to write stuff for no reason. And now, I guess there's nothing more delightful than rambling for no reason. 

~

M turned that old Barky story into a picture book. It's scary how good ai generated pics can be. 

I love the vibe. And a part of me feels bad for the artist who originally created this stuff. Just feels so bad to know their work can simply be used this way. Hmmm. Well. I'm conflicted. 

~

Oh well. I genuinely did love writing this one. It felt sweet and complete. And the vibe ai gets out of it is what I wanted as well so that's great.  I wish there was a way to get the position on the board correct. Very anti npd also haha. How did I see such positivity and hope and joy in such a dark soul? Maybe that's what I wanted them to be. Hope... The quintessential human delusion. Oh well. Maybe that's why we have stories. We can make them up as we go. And I guess I should take it as a reflection of who I am tbh. I am the author of it anyway lol. Feels strange to use the word author. But it is my creation and there will loads more. 

~

Here's to more genuine writing, and to filling the blank spaces with colour. 

 

Independence day

Dawn of a new time. I appreciate it a lot this year somehow. 

~

Watching Andor and man, so much of this is borrowed from the German regime. Fantastically done tbh. Star wars FTW. Second only to LoTr. 

Tripe, Secret Garden

I don't know what version of secret garden I read as a kid but reading it now and the sheer racism of the author is so jarring. Fuck. I think the books they sold here must have been cleaned of the original texts but how tf can this shit still be in print? It's a children's novel and this is what they taught kids pathetic. 

~

Mary listened to her with a grave, puzzled expression. The native servants she had been used to in India were not in the least like this. They were obsequious and servile and did not presume to talk to their masters as if they were their equals. They made salaams and called them "protector of the poor" and names of that sort. Indian servants were commanded to do things, not asked. It was not the custom to say "please" and "thank you" and Mary had always slapped her Ayah in the face when she was angry. She wondered a little what this girl would do if one slapped her in the face. She was a round, rosy, good-natured looking creature, but she had a sturdy way which made Mistress Mary wonder if she might not even slap back—if the person who slapped her was only a little girl.

" You thought I was a native! You dared! You don't know anything about natives! They are not people—they're servants who must salaam to you. You know nothing about India. You know nothing about anything! " 

~

This dialogue was allowed to exist in a children's novel, and still does. Coming from the mouth of a child no less. Fuck. 

The world disappoints me. I feel awful reading this tripe. How poetic that it's a day before independence day no less. 

~

Sometimes I understand why people can feel insecure. But you have to never bend to this garbage or think less of yourself just coz someone else did. 

I hate racists from the bottom of my heart. All of you can collectively fuck off. 

~

I had actually loved this book, it was like a wonderful treasure to me as a child and now I hate it. Just hate it. Whatever sanitized version I must have read back then just feels traitorous asf now. Even The Little Princess was written by this author, I loved that too and I do not want to ever read it again. Funny. Two books that genuinely had a place in my heart and I was so little when I read them I didn't know they were the same author. And now I'm just filled with disgust at them revealing to me the disdain the author held for people like me.

Bitch. 

~

What a deeply problematic fucking book lol. Even the uncle in the book is shown as some ugly dude who had no business landing a beautiful wife, the girl is shown as ugly and people tell her that to her face. It's like the only hero here is the clean air of england like some oasis that heals you. Yeah fuck this for good tbh. 

Famz

 

Maaan lmao. Curating cute moments ♥️

~

From wanting to constantly run away from them to loving them fiercely, it has been a huuuuge fucking journey. Growing up, their dynamics impacted me sooooo negatively. And sometimes even when you are older and a full fledged adult, these weird fears of being powerless or not having a say in your own life or wants etc can make you avoidant to an extent. It did to me in bits. I used to avoid even emotions lol. Or even love man. Like picking partners with whom I don't feel a deep connect always felt like something was missing. But the missing ingredient was simply me not wanting to risk opening up and choosing people whom I never really saw a future with, just folks to keep around at the time. That's sad. It's not as if they were bad or anything. They just weren't who I was looking for and ones I should have looked for scared me lol. And I hated the idea that once I love someone, I would be defenceless and they would control me and simultaneously ignore my feelings and it wouldn't matter how hurt I was, they wouldn't care etc. It wasn't exactly irrational either, I had been treated that way my my mom. Like some instrument for her needs while mine were shot down. So I know people like that exist. What a shit show their marrige was back in the day, glad it's smoother waters now. In the last few years I feel like I even chose to be around someone who behaved in that exact way, and no matter how bad I felt, it juuuust didn't matter to them. I guess granny's death anniversary is also bringing that thought home to me, but more as a musing now. But in dealing all of these people, the one thing I finally found was grounded footing lol. It made me realise that caring about someone isn't some inescapable prison, and I can and will walk away from anything that isn't keeping me happy or respected. I regret that I gave it so much time, but maybe adequate time is sometimes needed to fully cross a threshold. Hehe. Oh well, you live you learn. I'm glad to have crossed whatever paths I did, good or bad. Each helped me realise I love and respect myself and I want that to be set in stone. That comes before loving anyone else tbh. And I deffo want to love someone else too. For sure I want that. Plus in its own way it's kinda nice that I've only ever wanted to marry one person lol. I am a one man woman haha. So whatever, through all that shit atleast that one pillar never got diluted yessss. Lord, as I say this I just knooooow the one person I'll pick is someone similar to me with all these avoidant issues and commitment mindfuckery who I'll have to be patient asf with at times. But I guess there's beauty in that too tbh. It would be nice to find each other and weather these storms and high tides together as a team. Like that little dream post I wrote ages ago. How I want him to see me. Hehe. I'll find my place in his heart if it's the right person I'm sure of that. Not like I ever settle for the easy path. 

~ I think in general...care is a pathway that requires work, respect, effort but is also rewarding and should feel free and open and happy. I'd like people in my life to feel free and happy in trusting me. I guess they all do as well hehe. I can take that as credited to me because I know I work hard to keep their trust and love from my side too. From the ground up, do yourself a favour and just reserve love and care for only those who do right by you from the get go. The right people are simply ones that are willing to make that effort, the rest just avoid. I know I will hereonout. 

~

Well, I'm glad that I can be happy loving my dysfunctional parents and friends lol. And baby bro... Since it's rakhi, it's actually true that I could not have asked for a better brother hehe. I love him to bits, think the world of him and want to be all elder protective sister whenever I can. 

~

Hehe. Fuck all the shit that happened up until last year. Imma let it go and just gently pivot to the foundations of a good future. Baggage optional. 

And now to do away with philosophy and onwards to lose some chess games via cheap blunders and missed tactics. And overplaying hand. Because a day isn't complete unless you marvel at a shameful loss then proceed to outdo it. 💪 😬 

Let's goooooooo! 

Granny's one year death anniversary is almost here. This time last year I was in the hospital with her. I can't believe it's been a year already. Damn. I feel so sad rn. People mean so much to me, it's so tough to lose someone. :( I love you. 

Wussy

Dammit I'm enjoying peter cat lmao wtf nooooooo.

~

Hehe. Sing me a romantic song pls. 

~

Ugh my soft effin heart now loves this 

I need you most of all

Dammit hahahhaha fuck what a total wuss I am man jeez. Pathetic. I love this too damn much. 

Ok, let's switch to beach house. 

Fallll backkkk innnn toooooo placeeee. Tu tu tu tuuuu. Can't believe I had a thing for dream pop at a point... So cringe but I just fucking love this synth man. What to do. 

Switching to the Strokes lol. Ode to the mets. Hmmm. The yearning in this is similar to Keane. 

~

One thing I yearned for myself was being a musician... I love music so damn much that I think I'd have given anything to be able to sing on stage at Woodstock or even in front of my mirror lol. Damn man. One genuine desire that be. I like flights that are grounded. Maybe I want the best of both worlds. I have a sneaky feeling that's possible. But all these questions and quests and yearnings just come back to wanting self realisations and affirmations. How fucking human of me, huh? 

~

Lying in bed and my hips start to move when I hear Selfless. The strokes indeed. Lulz. Ak would have liked this. And pretended to not hahaha. He was an ass, truly. 

~

All cool moments of life that I love can be set to awesome music. 

~

Damn man. I'm gonna have to start dating. Damn. What a big mountain it seems like. Oh boy. 

Me. 

~

Here's a song for me.

My mistakes were made for you

Why does he sound like Alex Turner? Damn so much like him. God I love that voice. Fuck. Stick your tongue down my face. I wanna feel it.  

Pl~

fuck i love this song. And Turner is so hot damn. Shades of bond in this song. Engineering goes damn well with music. Stem ftw. 

Maybe cuz his lyrics aren't completely brain dead. They always have some element of thought behind them. I didn't realise he was so much older than me though. Interesting. I realise now I've never actually dated anyone much older than me. Not that it matters much but still. Interesting. 

~

I'm gonna paint tomo eff it. Let me make the most of the one inborn talent I have. Heh. Let's do it. 

I can make the album art of this song ditto.  Ugh. I don't even like cats. Fuck it. I'll do it. 

The unknowing

Smol

 How can someone be so tiny omggg

Should play Tokyo drift while riding

Musings

Something about a guy with chest hair really turns me on. Fuck. 💀💀 Is this what guys feel when they see boobs? 😂 

Crap, Idk but that might be it dammit. 

Why why why why whyyyyyyyy play carefully only to fucking ruin it by not paying attention why why whyyyyy. Ugh. Just stuck in that cycle of losing and gaining the same shit for no reason god I hate this game fuck fuck fuck

Pinky promise

If I think and play it seems easy at this level. When I don't, I drop 50 points. Beautiful.

From this moment on, let me just promise self I'll only play a long game if I'm willing to think. And then promise myself to keep that promise. Double swear, no loopholes. 😵

 

Bottled up

Sometimes I notice what I feel are signs of anxiety in a person and it makes me wonder if they are doing alright etc. I'm always so ready to do whatever for people that it's hard for me to pull back and prioritize myself. My friend used to term it sympathy scam. And maybe I do have a tendency to fall for stuff like that but in the end it just feels like an easier choice. Or rather a nicer choice. Idk how else to put it.

~

I guess at the end of the day if you want someone around you should make that effort. Like I would. Trying to self sabotage as a way to get someone to speak or whatever isn't really doing right by them, it's just a tantrum. I have learnt to recognise that. What I want is simple at the end of the day, respect and consideration. My happiness, wanting to make me feel nice, prioritising me, all of that should be important too. If that's a steep mountain as opposed to easy as breathing then I guess that's that. Not an equation I want. A hard lesson was leaving behind people who consider it a mountain, but in the end it's not as if people like that will ever add to your life in a positive way.  It totally sucked having to admit that though. It's not as if you instantly love someone less just cuz you realise they are an ass lol. Wish it were that easy haha. Oh well. The finite number of people I've loved from the bottom of my heart only to be left egg on face lol. The universe needs to give me a medal for that. Gah. Go fuck yourselves lmao. Gaandus all. 🙄. Haha, ok not all... Most are nice and adorable only. 

~

Hehe. But I suppose tenderness should be kept to oneself until someone earns the right to have it. Which is also easier said than done since one of my dominant instincts is being protective. I felt this way today as I was making pesto and realised it's such a simple thing and yet some people can't have it etc. That made me feel like damn. Things I take for granted. Something about this was very gutting in that moment. An existential crisis as I hold a tiny jar with red hearts on it. Little things that matter to me the most... health and wellbeing of people I love is primary. So then had to remind myself of all the myriad things to kill that feeling lol. I guess I'd like the script to flip and have these traits inbound. 

~

I like tiny jars and I cannot lie.

Ps- My pesto best-o

JB actually playing serious chess how nice man. Randomly pops up, plays a classical game and ducks out lol. I'll watch