Demons

Reading more about Zverev. He is such a terrifying guy. Honestly like. Trying to choke his gf, smothering her with a pillow, even him trying to hit the referee on a live broadcast. I felt a sense of complete fear when I read and saw this. I don't know what breaks inside a person so badly that they feel the need to assault someone, let alone a woman. 

I just cannot even imagine how horrible it might feel later to remember this too, for the women he assaulted. 

Sometimes, I feel like the scars inflicted on you by the horrid actions of others leave you with a deep sense of unease at your core. It depletes you so much, especially abuse. 

I was listening to some lecture again by that psychologist lady and one think she said struck a cord. ' people who are competitive, driven etc... are conditioned to believe that obstacles can be overcome. ' So they are prone to also being around shitty people because they believe in changing themselves or the other person because they feel like more effort will solve it. And giving up just feels like admitting defeat so they don't want to do it. 

It felt like a light went off in my head cuz that's exactly how I've felt. The giving up part, the wanting to do better so someone will be happier all of that shit. I never really stopped to think about what they are doing for me. I always just relentlessly believed that odds can be overcome and I guess for years I ended up entertaining people who were mean and toxic, thinking they'll change. When I look back, I also see clearly that not a single other person stayed with people like these, none of my other friends ever were close to them. And yet I was a fool. Heh. 

Well, cannot undo the past unfortunately. 

But I have to remember that the worst of humanity doesn't just come in the form of Zverev. It comes also in the form of people who do smaller things badly. Guilt you, ignore you, pass belittling statements etc. All that is damaging as well. In day to day life, that shit just becomes poisonous. Fuck... I remember that sense of anxiety when you feel like you are walking on eggshells around toxic folks... Idek how I put up with that shit haha. When you are very young, things never seem as bad as they are lol. 

Like that lady said, the good ones are the ones that support you when you are down and want to see the best in you, help you be better and happier. I do that for everyone I know, I'm glad I'm that person. And well, I guess that's what I seek in people too. 

And I fucking hope to all that is holy that I never have to deal with anyone remotely resembling Zverev lol. Fuck. That dude needs to be in jail.