Rainy day and super tired. Feels a bit nice to chill after going into the city for the last couple of days. 

I'm nowhere close to as social as I used to be. Like too much company does leave me exhausted up to a point. 

Bought some nice books from blossoms though. It felt great to visit these old spots. I love bookstores. Just such tranquil places. This time around I noticed that there weren't as many hidden gems in the store as there used to be. Keeping up with the times I suppose. But I decided to pick out some silly ones for me.

Tonight on my menu 😁😁

~

Finally saw a bit of Nathan for you omg it's so damn funny. Maaan. I loved it! That discussion between him and the detective about what is porn was goated asf omg. 

~

I always come back to missing something. Oops. 

Love being surrounded by art. Who would have thought just being in a museum would make time fly by so easily. Today was a wonderful day! Comic books for the win!

A tiny Gi

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/cQsrPLqlHs

😭😭😭😭

My morning is made 🥺

What a long day, and what cute clay miniatures we made! Oof. ♥️ Who knew silly evening workshops could be so fun. Girlie days.

Tired and happy.

Some woman just dodging going home sat by cribbing about having a kid and being married. She seemed half jokey half exhausted and I felt for her. Must be rough, dealing with in laws and what not. 

~

Street fighter was super fun too. It's a badly made, visually stunning film. I didn't know Schulz could actually, he was actually quite good. Loved Ryu too. And the nostalgia playlist. I wanna see it again for the pure cheese. A game from before my time. And that onesong i remember this dude used to play. Chun li's track. Ugh. It's stuck in my head. 

This film is like Tokyo drift. Just hits all the good spots. 

~

I am tireeeed. 

~

I didn't know the Martial Eagle existed till right now and what a magnificent bird it is. Just wowza. Literally a dragon vulture hybrid. Even looks intelligent asf. There's so much I just don't know.

~

Street Fighter tomo evening woohoo. Looks to be a sucky film but who cares. 

~

Shit it's 19th. One year since. A passionate teacher is always someone to look up to and respect. Maybe that's why his loss felt so jarring. Maybe cuz I deeply feel that ethics are not compatible with these times but what can we cling to except those who love us and those who will miss us? I don't know what it is, but I do know that the idea of someone so young and so bright moving on is unfair. 

Rip, sensei. 

Fuck the trolls, the haters, the unethical bastards and the ones who feed the void. Esp the ones who feed the void. Now and forever. ♾️ 

~

After ages I'm so awake late at night. 

New day and some idiot is riding his bike outside loudly god so annoying. At 6 am. Oof. Stupid college boys. Who even wakes up at 6 am anyway. On a sundayyyy

~

I'm going back to sleep 😴 

~

Oh no I broke last nights oath and played more bullet. Ugh. Now I gotta get that stupid 21k back too ughhhhh. 

~

Omg that impossible challenge looks sooooo funn!! Only carlitos was taking it easy all the rest smashing it. And that one hander by tsitsi Oi Oi oiiiiii. Ooof 😱

I absolutely love it. 

I can't wait to go back and playyyyyy 😭😭😭😭😭

Writing out my thoughts made me think of how peeps on that channel used to discuss this stuff and a couple of them used to talk about how everyday it was to have dirty fights and volatile people. 

You have got to have nerves of steel to not let this shit impact you if that's your daily reality. 

Wild.

What you should have is common sense to give stuff like this a wide berth the minute you encounter it tbh. It's so not worth the time and energy. Whew. Glad it's finito. 

~

I'd rather waste time on chess or some such tbh. Much better way to spend the day. Except when you lose lose lose that's a special hell in itself lol. 

~

Oh hey I got my 21 back. Now I can go back to sucking at regular chess woohooo

I feel like I've lost my liking for people, esp dramatic ones. I used to see this same trait in a lot of adults when I was a kid and now I also am slowly getting it. Esp backstabby people. I remember someone giving me this entire lecture on how to navigate friendships and learning as you go. I ended up choosing friends based on stupid shit. And I guess I was a bit of a doormat. Even now. I don't hate M, but at the same time... I kinda feel sad that I didn't prioritise myself earlier. Should have just walked a couple of years ago. Or atleast kinda kept her at a distance. The way she declined to take any accountability for her bfs actions and her own. It wasn't even surprising for me, I just knew that's how it'll go and it'll end up. And the way people just go no you, no you. That kind of deflection is so telling. No accountability just deny and then try to argue and blame shift. Earlier, I used to not want to deal with that behaviour. Now I'm just like yeah fuck you. And like... The irony of all that behaviour never ceased to amaze me. She moved into her sister's home, her sister's husband made room for her, and she claims sister is using her to take care of her child. She would keep nitpicking A also, who is such a good guy. How do you lack loyalty towards your own siblings to this extent. The irony of being an aunt petunia who sits around pretending that the sister is bad all because everyone likes her and this one is jealous. Seeing that trait had always made me wary, it's very backstabby. And come to think of it, she keeps trying to devalue everyone in her life but also clings to them. What a horrible person to have in life. I can't imagine hosting my brother in my house for years and then him hating me while chilling in my house. What a vile thing to do. It's so ghoulish. 

I used to try and be understanding. The honest truth is that I've always seen her entire personality just revolve around the idea of being some victim in every scenario. She says stuff like... Mum and sister brainwashed me before college then my personality became weak etc. For idiotic conversations that every household has with their kids before uni. And every kid forgets by week one of the new semester. I also used to feel bad cuz her resentment of her sister is just rooted in feeling like she was overlooked. So like accepting blame would mean having to actually accept that if people dislike her it's cause her behaviour is what alienates them. But like who tf clings to this bullshit in adulthood. It's all just so stupid man. Like take some responsibility for your own shit, come on!

And now I'm like yeah fuck you to hell dude. Marrying into families that make money from prostitution, having affairs with dudes whose wives are planning babies and dealing with miscarriages. How can you be this vile and not feel any guilt? None whatsoever? The casualness with which she shared that had knocked me sideways. It was like it didn't even matter to her. And all the time she kept claiming he keeps coming on to her. Then asking him to send sweets when his baby is born. What a truly unholy, demented person you gotta be for this to be your reality. It was scary for me cuz I just end up distrusting the world more and more. The idea that some woman like her enters my marriage is beyond fucked up for me. Feel like crossing myself at the very thought good lord.

After all this I still tried to do the right thing from my pov tbh. I knew she would hate me for it, but I felt like her bf is so toxic and such a user that I should say it. I just didn't want it on my conscience that I could warn that person and I chose not to. In the end, idk if it was right or wrong but whatever. I don't regret saying it. If your partner is so nasty that someone who has had your back to 17 years decides to not see you, and you don't even apologise then that's just wild. I guess I was just like that ex she uses for attention. Halfway through the conversation I realised wow I don't ever want to be around folks who don't take responsibility. Esp when you tell them someone did something wrong and they just try to blame you for it or act as if it's not a big deal. That's a huge red flag. I should have seen that when she kept meeting that married guy and then saying oh he only comes and oh he threatened me etc. Lame asf. 

Funny thing is I don't know if I'm even angry. How does one be angry when the person behaves in such a predictable way? Complete dog shit, that's all it was. This kinda shit and all the nonsense she said esp comments about my aunt's passing were absolutely crazy and vile. I don't think there's any forgiving that ever. Meh. She can crawl into whatever gutter she wants, honestly. I hope one day life teaches her the lesson she so clearly deserves to learn. Some people genuinely need that, and she is one of them. Life needs to give people like these one tight whack to get a good hard reality check. Hope it happens sooner than later. 

~

After today, I do not want to think of this person ever. Good to just get it all out of my system. 

Donezo. Samapti. Swaha. 

 Freiren and Witch Hat Atelier. I need to check them both out. 

I really loved the first ep of Witch hat, it almost seems Ghibli like in its production quality. People are so goddamn talented man. Seriously

~

Japanese folks are insanely talented. Just on episode 2 and already I can see how incredible the world building here is. How man howwww. How someone can be so damn good 😊

It says 13 days to periods but it feels like the mittelschmerz have already set in. Lol. What a joy it is! 

~

This stupid bot thing really irritates me. 

Howell playing again lol. So much for degeneracy, I love it. I enjoy seeing his games, but endgames I can tell what he is upto. Always saving all pawns and ending counterplay for others. He must be a bit type A tbh. How very interesting to wonder if the playstyle gives away something about the player. I wish I knew enough chess to know if I'm right haha. Sadly, I do not. 

~

My leg is finally feeling a little better. Maybe next week I can play? Ugh. Pls 🥺

It's incredibly windy and rainy rn. I love it. Feels so beautiful outside. Few times a year the weather just pivots to something absolutely smashing and I love love love being outside. Or in my balcony as I am rn. Hehe. There's something about the winds that is so freeing tbh. Just gorgeous.

~

Winds are truly my fav element. Just sweep on by, carry me with you sometime. How I wish we could fly!

Waking up at 3 am these days just for a bit. I feel super wide awake too, like it's time to go brush my teeth lol. What to do, what to do. Maybe try reading, that'll put me to sleep in under two mins. 

~

Weird intrusive thoughts pop up during this time. Like I noticed it's 15th oct and then remembered it's close to a year since danya passed. Feels so strange all over again. :( 

I feel queasy about this stuff always. Hmmm. 

~

Fitful dreams and weird sleep post 5 am. Of wanting to reach some place with some tennis guests and not being able to. The courts were lovely though. Green and red. 

~

Howell is still playing that's nuts... I fell asleep around 4.30 watching his games and now he is still going. Wish he commentated them more often, he has remarkable clarity of thought. I appreciate that. Maybe I'll watch some more rn. I have a feeling there'll be one clash I see. Caution vs let's fucking go! Haha. 

~

Lol. And what a coincidence, it happened... Good fun. Atleast he made him think 🤔 . Out of all the games I saw, this one deffo had Howell ji thinking and playing. Nice nice. Howell is a beastie so that's quite good tbh. 

I wonder if games like these also help the players understand the inaccuracies they make. Something to think about later. 

 Omg I feel a tad bit better. Fuck, do I dare hope I can go play tomo? Ugh. How much longer do I have to rest? Can't I just do a half hour workout? Do I dare? 🥺

Being stuck watching series cuz I can't move is not my idea of fun. East of Eden leaves me grumpy, it just feels like some dudes fantasy of a woman who screwed him over so now he gotta turn her into a villian. I'm in general just tired of these dated narratives of people playing the victim all the time. It's pretty annoying. 

No wonder I prefer star wars and andor and such tbh. I like stories where people attempt to do the right thing. I'm discovering this bias bigtime now. And I'd rather stick to these genres. Maybe I should finally watch rocky. Haha. It is suuuch a deeply male film though. I've always avoided it cuz it feels suuuper guy film like. Dudes and machismos. Guys will love all this fighting and such. Adorable how they just get so into it. That thought just makes me smile in affection tbh. 

~

Maybe I'll check out some old stuff. Or idk maybe I'll just lay here and toss and turn out of grumpiness. 

~

I want to go and playyyyyy :(

I am so unwell it's unreal. Just not able to move properly. Back and hip are completely out of order. It's been more than a decade of this injury being in remission and it pops up now. Damn. Idk what to do. Couldn't even walk a few steps on my own for a bit. :(

I'm too slow, too weak, body hurts, everything sucks. Don't want a pill, can't go and play, don't even feel like going out, should probably be outside. Chess sucks, everything sucks. Wail, wail, wail and ugh, ugh, ugh. I hate everything today. So saddddddd😑

~

A lifelong love

Life stays in balance when I play tennis. Just a week's rest and I'm already feeling a bit irritable and not as happy as I was when playing. That's wild. But also amazing to me. 

~

I also am discovering that watching tv during free time ends up feeling annoying over a period of time. I don't like this vegetable state of staring at a show. Action is greater than inaction. 

~

I don't know who I dreamt about last night, but the presence was so soothing and nice tbh. I really loved that. 

What a horrible chess day like truly bad.

~

I had loved mice and men. I didn't expect east of eden to be what it is. Hate it, truly. This whole trope of woman bad ruins everyone is so damn lame. No thank you. 😭

~

Talking to mum about K and how much we admire certain outlooks of hers. I really do find her approach to life to be great. Navigating a long distance marriage for the time being isn't easy but the thing I love about some conservative folks is how they have this stable foundation of ' this is my person, I made this choice, now what comes our way is something we have to deal with as a unit. ' I myself am like that so I truly appreciate the groundedness. 

I feel like as I'm getting older I have started gravitating towards folks that are similar in values and it's something that I hope sticks. I don't wish to be around anyone who is straying from that. Just now I was checking some post on reddit and it was about ibd and someone was talking about their experiences and I caught myself reading keenly, then googling, then suddenly catching myself and going hey I don't need to care. It made me chuckle a bit at the thought that no matter how awful the person, my instincts are always to care about their well-being. Guess taming that instinct would serve me well. For the time being. I'd love to experience the joy of just being in a stable equation so I can fully allow these traits to flourish and feel a sense of safety in doing so. Oh well. Until such time lemme just so my own thing. 

And now the beginning of the second part is just annoying me sheesh. It's the same thing like men wanting their sister in law and fancying girls that aren't their wives. Like. I refuse to believe all guys are like this. What a saaaad thought. I bet if they felt their wives were looking at all other dudes the same way, they'd be livid. 

~

"She’s a good woman, he thought. The kind of woman whose goodness is oppressive"

I'm rolling my eyes haaaard at this like. God, what a loser this yeung ho dude is ugh.

~

Atleast I'm reading a book in one sitting like old times. Clink clink🥂

~

She uses initials like I do. And there's an M, a J and now a P in the book. Well. Oops.  This second half is just a weird porno. Why do Asian novels have this fixation on sex? I find the same elements in Japanese books too. Just this weird desperately craving forbidden sex. It's not even attractive to me at this point just like eeyeah ok.  That empty feeling when the fantasy wears off and all you are left with is mundane. That's how this feels rn. 

I wish i'd just stopped reading at the first half tbh. 

I feel like having a drink tonight and just binging this book. There's this truth in it that is so commonplace. The lack of compassion that underscores the lives of so many women. I hated it growing up and I hate it just as much as an adult.  

~ 

Little things stick out to me so much these days tbh. Like that guy at tennis practice who is always so considerate. He just needs no prompting at all. It was a weird contrast in my mind to the time M once talked about some women he saw playing pickleball and instantly said something insulting to them. It reminded me of A so much. He would also want to insult women he wished to speak to and then try to show off in front of them like look, look I'm so good at this. People like that exist more and more. Ones who will just be sweet and do it instinctively now just stand out to me for whatever reason. Maybe it's just low self esteem in people like A who wish to be admired. I semi puke at the idea of anyone admiring that dude. Nah, I fully, whole heartedly puke at the idea of anyone admiring that moron. Seriously like. 🤢🤮 

This book is interesting to me in the sense that it describes how a looot of folks will see women as people who need to fulfill some role. That's it. Not a person whose feelings should be cherished. 

Raise your kids well, ladies. It matters how you raise them and who they end up being. Some folks turn out well despite bad parenting but so many more would be great if they just had a good,wholesome childhood. That's very important. 

The vegetarian is incredible. Man. What a powerful book. Only 1/3rd in and I'm already just shocked at how simple, elegant and in depth it is. 

It's very rare that I wish to read books about people. I prefer fantasy and sci fi and action. Status quo always felt like something I would rather avoid, just gets too painful and real to read. But this one has been so haunting. At the same time I can't help but see the parallels in a few other books which kind of lessen the impact of it for me. There's elements of dostoevsky and Chuck palahnuik in it that feel distinct. It takes me out of the reading experience whenever I encounter stuff like that. Hmm. 

I think people who feel powerless are ones who will resonate with this quite a lot too. The message of the book is very vivid. 

Let me finish it over the weekend and see what I feel overall. Atleast it's been a good read after a long time. I'm glad. 

~

I somehow feel like mans search for meaning has been a lot more impactful for me personally than most other books. That and flowers for algernon. Man, that was exquisite. Even to kill a mockingbird had made a huge impact on me growing up. I recall weeping lots when I was done reading it. It truly hurt. It's wild that to a large chunk of people today it would simply not make an impact. That's a sobering thought. 

~

I suppose I always chose to steer clear of books about the human condition cuz they just hurt. 

Every day more and more nobels. Where is mine I ask you? Gimme pls

~

Andrew Garfield in my feed again man that's a lot of interviews he is doing. His description of grief actually did resonate with me though. It's interesting that he can talk about it in interviews. I don't think I can ever discuss something this personal with someone unless they were extremely close to me. I feel like it's such a personal emotion that only you have complete dominion over it. I'm very, very cagey about feelings. Although over the last few years I have made an attempt to be a bit more open. 

Heh. I still don't buy his persona though. Always thought he was super attractive but the more he speaks the less I like him now. Weird how that works for me. I have to actually like the person to swoon over them. Otherwise it doesn't do anything for me. Didn't know he was jewish either. I think I may have finally discovered that my type is Jewish men lol. Like literally all the guys I've had a crush on have been Jewish that's a wild coincidence. Oh wait not cumberbatch. See but when he speaks it sounds very much like he is being authentic.  Which is what makes him super attractive to me. Hmmm. Interesting. I guess then that means my type is authentic, witty, funny dudes. Which is cool. Yeah I like ernest speakers who have a lot of substance when they speak and share things. I love listening to someone talk so much tbh. Falling asleep on phonecalls with ak was just one of the most beautiful feelings in the world to me. 

~

The more I observe people, the more I realise how flawed we all are. And then I realise that that means I have to always love someone from a distance. A mighty sad realisation, that. Well. I haven't met everyone in this world, so let's not write everyone off. 😁

~

Let's just dive back into fishers games. Banish this garfield, get off my algo dude! 

Chink in the armour

There's a bobby fisher game that agad uploaded which had this one where white went e5 in a kings indian and bobby termed it weak. And seeing why it was weak was like a revelation. 

I recall this guy talking about a position that looked fairly regular to me and describing it as very rich and I didn't understand it then. Watching this game it made it all click. 

Holy moly how much did these folks even calculate man. I feel more ashamed of blitz now than I did 24 hours ago lol. Literally every position can be studied and here we play 40+ moves in under a few seconds. Jeez. Talk about desecrating a game man. Truly astonishing. 

And idk what it is about these older games but they just looks so much richer and more detailed to me than games today that seem very clinical. I suppose maybe it's cuz the errors happened in the opening so strong players went down the road of capitalisation quicker? Idk. Hmmm. Yet another puzzle that may be answered sometime in the future. 

~

Watched one fisher game and now I'm on a win streak lol. This is the key to chess. Inspiration. 😂

Diy race car kits. Now that's a nice gift. Esp for someone who anyway liked legos. Hmmm. I'll get em next time I have to buy a gift. 

I legit enjoy buying gifts. It feels nice.

~

An interesting commonality about satire that I'm not observing is its part absurdity part realism that makes it tick. But once you observe the formula it's like the trick loses its magic. You can appreciate the sleight of hand but you know it's just that. 🥺

~

I haven't pooped today. Why is that? 😐 

People used to tell me they poop in the evenings, sometimes at work and not mornings and I was like wuuuut. I thought pooping was strictly reserved for mornings lol. That's what I grew up believing! Now my beliefs are shattered.

Debating if I should take another pill for my hip ache. I don't know. If the anti inflammatory just blocks pain then what's the point the injury is still going to be there. Hmmm. 

One one hand it enables me to play and maybe that will get rid of the aches. On the other it'll make it worse. What to do what to do. 

~

Why did I think Anderseen Horowitz was a new name for another company? Weird. 

~

Shipping is a pain. Just finding out all these codes is so annoying truly. 

~

Evening and the entirety of my body aches lol. I wish there was a magic solution. I totally get why that guy used to complain about his ankle now this is just unreal and unrelenting haha. Fuckin tennis just giving bt always. Stupid Zverev is also world no 1. This year is just stupid. 😕

~ 

Spectating some games is so incredibly boring like how can chess be so tedious at times?

11 am seems like a lifetime away when you wake up at 6 am. Alas!

~

So much fun to squeeze out a win man. So good. Some days I love playing. That felt niiiiice.

~

It's only 2 pm. Time is crawling. 

~

Everyone is getting the nobel prize. Where is mine? :(

~

9 pm scrolling and it's just Andrew Garfield everywhere. He seems like a good actor but idk why I don't really like him. Weird instinctive thing...

~

I'll read the vegetarian tonight

~

And now I'm up at 3 am and restless asf

Seasons really have moved. Been raining all night. And now court is wet. I remember as a kid going to school when it rained. It used to feel like the world was enveloped in a blanket. Just wanted to rush indoors. Now I intermittently like then dislike it. It felt cozy when we were in a small town and the outdoors was kinda closer than it is now. It's soooo apartmenty where I'm at. Maybe when I retire I can just move to some small hill station and then enjoy life that way. I think that would be excellent.

Well. Indoor cycling it is for me today. 

Finished watching traitors and idk so meh. For a game that could have been super interesting it was just such a bunch of bad participants. I really want that UK season tbh. The premise of the show is so nice but why is the end result like this. Sheesh. You really need some really good participants to make it happen. Reviews say oz and Canada ones are also meh. 

Also omg it's raining outside. Oh my court! 😅

Up at 3 am and seeing a robot dance to hare rama hare krishna. The world is unreal. And the robot is super dexterous. How soon until it helps at home?

~

Mondays 😁 

~

Suddenly that rhyme hot cross buns came to me. Idk why. 

God I used to hate raisins in bread. Hot cross buns are nice though, gotta wait till Easter to get em

I have a neck sprain, hip sprain and mild fever to boot. Lol. What a spectacular way to fall apart completely. 😆

Let's read some dostoevsky just to add existential angst to all this why not? Hmmm. I think I have the crocodile loaded up somewhere lmc if I can read that. 

~

Hmmm. It was quite a nicely written story. A bit childlike but I enjoyed it too. He really does know how to interpret people. So very well. 

Stories of that era have this quality of absurdity that makes them unrelatable to me. I connect to them mentally but never emotionally. I see the overarching point but there's something so alien about them all that it kind of leaves me hanging. The one that I actually truly loved was Pushkins Queen of Spades. Now that was a total zingggg! 🎯 

Maybe I should explore more by him. 

~

Eyyyy whenever I am chilling out of the blue this stupid canon in d plays wuuut. In celebrity traitors of all the shows. Stupid song always punching in the feels. If someday I marry the love of my life I'll sneak in some earphones and play it for myself 😂. It's legit one of the few songs that just makes me emotional and gooey how very rude of it!

I don't even know any of these contestants. The premise of the show is so brilliant why aren't there normal intelligent contestants. It would be a brilliant social experiment. Ugh. Stupid canon. Taking me out of cheap thrills. I wish I could watch the UK one with Stephen Fry. Love that man! 

~

Omg now it's playing in some random yt vid wuuut. I can't escape this song today lmao ♥️ well, I'm happy, chase me always love! I love you so damn much!

~

Djoko beat Z lol. I just knew he'd win today somehow. Ggs👍🏼 

Djoko is still playing. I thought he was done for the year. Must be getting paid a lot. 

I'm ignoring everything I gotta do to just chill today. I think I'll just chess today tbh. Some games were kinda fun just chilling and playing. Shall I try for 21? Maybe I will.

I want a nice song to listen to tbh. 

That achy breaky heart song is stuck in my mind. Don't tear my heart! Haha. Tu tu tu tu tu

~

Someone put a tiny orange in a crate of orange carrots at the supermarket like a citrus impostor and it made me laugh so much. Just the other day my tennis friend put a mosambi in the ball crate and it was the same silly thing and idk why but idiocy like this has my heart.

Yet another day to bs! Yums. 

Everything hurts. This is crazy. Movement gets so restricted the minute you have aches and pains yo. Slept funny and neck is also strained lmao. Totally falling apart, aren't I?

Really gotta fix this shit asap. I refuse to allow this to be an impediment for too long. Just tired of this. And so tired of watching a ball whizz by without making an attempt to reach it when my hip hurts. Never again man. Time to take conditioning seriously. 

It's pretty hard to not be cranky when stuff like this happens tbh. 

~

I feel so defeated today like. Hmmm. Meh. Like it's annoying when the obstacle is just not a lack of will to work but rather something external. I really hate that. Hopefully it wears off. 😕

Sir Andy

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dd8Ztafo1nT/?stkn=aTBqbWptZzVxdGpq

MOFO OMG. FUCK ME THATS SO PRETTY OOF

🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼‍♀️

Mmmnaaaaan that angle is lethal whaaat 

I am floored

How very wise I used to be 😂 smiling despite myself here. Sheesh. 

I made a pivot to being childish post that time and I'm glad. I'd rather be a goof than wisdomous cuz who cares. Life is short, just enjoy the ride. 

~

I forgot that tomo is a holiday too. Not that it matters I still gotta wake up early but good to know the streets will be clear. And I wanna play hard tomo just. Need to work out properly and fuck that stupid coach who overtrained me lol. Hips also can hurt I didn't even know that 😂. I just want to be fucking good again man. Ugh. I'll do whatever it takes. Idc.  Too long, TOO LONG. 

~

Winning stuff I have no business winning. Am I complaining? Ofc. What shitty games eeyuck

~

This is gorgeous, but is it worth 5.4 lakhs? I can totally make this stuff. It's right up my alley too, the geometry, the themes. Hmmm. I think I'll give it a shot. Maybe weekends I can keep for a proper painting sess. I'm so very sure that I can create intricate pieces like this. 

Dreamt of sk of all people. Weird. Dreams I remember are always so interesting. We were travelling to some place and had to go through areas where people would be like zombies and attack with bottles and needles. Some crazy lady was chasing us through buildings and were they labs? Something like that. Like what in the sci fi dystopia was that sheesh. Dreams are weird. 

~

I recall JB saying he strives to get below 10 on centipawn loss. And then I see these other games that are wildly going on in a swing state cuz who cares let's just get the opponent. Haha. It makes me laugh lots. Just the difference in approach is so night and day. Caution vs throw caution to the winds and charge! Just soooo relentless. I suppose that's why I love Sadler too, and Magnus. They combine both these approaches in such harmony it's beautiful. Esp magnus. Every piece of his is in harmony with the rest it's just a fucking symphony man. Like nothing he does is out of sync. Ooof. What a brain that dude must have. 

~

Ugh waxing poetic for maggu and he loses to some witty dude. 💀 What a field day for that guy lol

Anytime I play in the sun I get a headache later in the day. This feels awful. Eyes hurting too. This low key sucks cuz my group is so fun I enjoy playing with them but they'll be coming later in the day and I gotta go early. 😕 I really do enjoy the camaraderie with that group, esp that one dude. Ugh. Well. Tis what tis.

~

Woohoo all the teas and gifts have arrived. I'm glad. Now to repack and ship it all omg. Hope it goes there easily and he gets it easily. It's a task all this shipping and making customs forms etc. wish I could just outsource all that tbh

~

Head still pounding hours later wut man. I'm so weak. So WEAK!

Everyday there's a post on tom brady on my timeline like why. Don't even follow the sport he plays or care why his wife left him. How weird are people who fixate on all this honestly. Completely unnecessary.

~

I need to get up but I wish to snooze too. The everlasting dilemma of early mornings. I'm like sisyphus. Just pulling the same rock up and watch it roll down. In this case I gotta roll over. Zzzz. Okay ten min nap then I'll gtfo. 

~

The sun is merciless. Zapped my willpower away today ezpz

~

Oh wow this dudes friend is still playing... crazy. Sometimes I wish he would tell him not to. Idk why I always want to interfere also I don't even know that guy, but something about him hits right into my protectiveness instincts. I feel like a bird wanting to keep him under wingspan. Oh well. Atleast it always made me smile to see how codependent they are on each other. It was good to know there was a teeny tiny smidge of good inside that guys blackened heart. Silver linings I suppose 😆😁

I'm able to beat 2k ratings if I think and play and it's not particularly tough either. Interesting. Lmc what I can do.

~

Steve McQueen looks exactly like Daniel Craig. I somehow really like these old films. They are shot in such a glamourous way. The pouffes and the impeccable style. Legit so distinct. I gotta watch more of these old films sometime. Oh my there's a game of chess in it too lol. That's funny. I'd love to see what the game actually looked like. 

Nagpur Orange is the best fucking fruit ever. Oh my god! It's just the best! Every damn bite is the perfect blend of citrus and coldness I just love it so damn much!! So glad it's back in season I have missed you sooooo much!!!!! 

Guavas and Oranges. S tier fruits. 🥇🏆🧘🏼‍♀️

Mishima

 Closing/ Mishima

Never knew one of my fav authors had a movie about him and none other than Philip Glass created this. 

Wonderment. And the comments talk of Bobs Burgers lol. Never seen it but it must be good. How worlds collide.

~

It's a cold, cold morning today. Knees be hurting yet I must play.

There used to be this thought about belief in a god like entity is a sign of weakness, cuz you need something to hold on to in an ever changing world. All these concepts... reincarnation etc. You have karma. You play debts etc. I don't know if that's true. If any of it is true. But I feel like the idea of experiencing life over and over in different ages and times is so beautiful in itself. There's people I've met at times where it's felt like hey I've known you forever. Right from the start. And some tiny moments of deja vu. I guess I don't view all of this as weakness. I view it as something that's larger than us. And there's so much beauty in that thought for me. Like that line in Gatsby about swimming against the tide and being borne back into the past. I feel like both are necessary. To go forward and to have a healthy view of where you came from. It's a cool journey. It'll be cool to do it over and over. And it'll be lovely to meet people I love over and over. My first ever thought that I remember was of searching for someone specific. It was suuuuch a primal instinct that I still don't know where it came from. There was nothing on the outside influencing that. Idk. I remember that road in the desert where I used to cycle by myself cuz I loved zooming about. I wish I could bottle that feeling. Of the warm sun and the sultry day and the dry wind. Looking up at a pale blue sky and just wondering where I'm supposed to be going. I wonder the exact same thing today as I did back then. I really wonder what the destination is. Always a time for everything. Even this blog, for more than a decade I had barely anything to say. And now I say stuff daily. It's all mundane but I find love and peace in it. I guess that's why this place is so sacred to me, it pretty much contains my entire heart. I'm glad I kept my promise, of being honest no matter what. I think it's more or less just that. 

~

Well. The tiny hidden thing of comfort in all this is the same thought I had while doing shrooms lol. Life follows a nice rhythm, you are here, like many before you and many to come after. Just enjoy the ride. There's no need to worry and be afraid. Just meet fate the best you can, and it might just treat you like a friend you always needed. I'd like to believe that. 

~

Heh. And just like that coin market crypto went live lmaoooooo. Of all the bullshit that exists in this world. 😅 

Mondays are so therapeutic. Makes you shrug off the weekend. I have always loved that. Always the best part of a week. Day looks lovely too. ♥️

~

Battling rain ☔ is a task esp driving in it. Glad I wasn't stuck in traffic for too long sheesh. Now for some good coffee! I am exhausted in the best way.  My little table and basket also just arrived. How quaint. I don't like buying stuff but when I do, it should be cute 🥺. I'm glad I found some good stuff. Picked up two cushion covers for M also haha. I hope she likes. It's the most indian thing I could get. People gift dry fruits for diwali and it's funny but our almonds come from California so shipping them back would feel like returning to sender. Globalisation is 😧. I hope she likes all the silly items and curios tbh. Gotta get them all packed properly. 

It was pleasant hanging with cousin today. It's odd but I've started preferring these distant equations with folks. I think it's good to have company you can chill with without getting too close. Feels better. 

I guess I'm super averse to being close to someone now. Atleast I want to ensure that if I am, then it's only with people I feel a sense of equality with. No more lopsided bs. I always notice how lucky he is to have such a sweet wife though. And he is super sweet with her too. It's a lovely dynamic and he is exceptionally lucky to have her in his life. And she him. Well. Sometimes life just works out exactly right. 

~

Uhhh and I'm sooooooooo hungryyyy. 10 am lunching was a bad idea. Heh. I love cooking for others but for myself I never make an effort  I can just eat instant noodles and egg and be done. Lol. I recall one time telling P I even munch watermelon seeds cuz spitting them out feels icky and he told me goodbye cuz the conversation was taking a mental toll hahahahhaha. Oh man. That was epic. Fuck. 

Anyway, hunger calls and I'm out of eggs what can I dooooooooo. 😭

~

Guye Adoba did 2:02 today damn. People are so damn fast!!! Running is life man. Just 🤌🏼 

This dudes friend seems to be playing forever. Hope he is okay. Jesus playing since 3 pm and it's 8.45 now. Fuck. That's crazy. I mean even I've played like this but mostly cuz I enjoyed it lol. Hope it's the same for him. 

Why is ronaldo always in chadds man. Zomg. His wife should tell him to cover up 😭😭😭😭

Boys and their affinity for showing muscles is something I'll never understand. It's always other guys who check em out too haha. Men can be weirdos in a very adorable way tbh. Most of them, not all. Ronaldo in tiny underwear is not 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 

~

I'm lazing about watching people run the Berlin marathon how very nice 🙂 

~

Aaaaaa why am I fucking losing again what the fuck this stupid ass game omgggggggggg 

Gah!!!!

A day wasted is sometimes a day well spent. Kept trying to find an anime to see, landed on daemons of shadow realm and it fizzled the fuck out ezpz. Really need something better to bite into. 

~

I have shopping to do as well Oi Oi Oi. It's so boring to shop tbh. But I need new pants 😩. Maybe I'll buy those baggy ones that make everyone look like a stilt walker. Why not. Might as well

~

This popped up and it had to be him! 

Rachmaninoff

Ordered so much junky food on a whim and now im thinking banana would be a better breakfast. 💀

Why do I always do this? 

Hehe, I remember when I used to always order the most outlandish thing on the menu and then immediately hate it and peck off other people's plates. Good times! 

~

You know it's a good, healing nap when you wake up and wonder why it's so bright outside. As disorienting as having been on a merry go round. Yums. 

Oh the laziness of today. I shall immerse in you beautifully.

~

Omg it just struck me now. Lmaooooo. So this lady kept trying to tell me that she didn't take me saying D and A are toxic seriously and so i should not take her comments about N seriously either. And I was confused at why and now I realise she thinks everyone is bullshitting like her. Oh my godddd. Ahahaha. Fuck. Damn dude. People always project themselves in their assumptions huh? Damn. And I usually take people at face value cuz I'm not actually bullshitting at any point. Dude this is like the boy who cried wolf lmao. Daaaaaaamn. Oh good luck to her bf. As much as I despise that obnoxious loser, this kinda twisted fuckery is unreal. 

What fascinating about this isn't how fucked up it is, it's that people that messed up always have a default assumption that they are correct and righteous. That's wild. 

Every few years I look back at my former self and realise I'm a naive soul and that still holds true. I really gotta develop some street smarts. I have none. Like zero. Wtf haha. 

Meh. It's okay. I guess I just see problems as inherently fixable so none of this really bothers me much. Onwards, upwards and thanks for the laugh. 😬

Saturdays are idli days for me. It's such a comfort food, and took so much getting used to early on. But now it's one of my top 5 probably. 

And as soon as I complete the herculean task of getting out of bed, I shall order myself a nice hearty breakfast and promptly come back for a snooze. Isss the perfect saturday morning ritual.

I forgot to shower yesterday 😦 now I gotta shower early morning to go play. Drags. Should become like guys tbh, they seem to never shower. 

And I hope that selfish dude doesn't come to play and ask to play with me. He is so annoying just encroaches on my court. I seem to be angsty early morning. Good good. Can channel that. 💪🏼

~

I need to be quicker. QUICKER. ZOOPZOOP. I was so afraid of twisting my knee too much today. Ewws. The only thing I miss about being 20 is the flexibility and agility man. This bullshit I didn't even have to think about back then lol. How we taketh le youths for granted. Feels like both my legs are gonna fall off. 

~

5 pm and I'm wiped out totally now damn. Looong ass day!! 😦 I have to buy the teas to send across too. And the plushies hehe. All childish items, but so nice it feels to get em all. After ages I'm making plans for diwali shopping. I just love giving gifts tbh. Feels great to do so. Have to figure out all the shipping too.  

I want someone to baby me today idk why, just feel like some TLC would be great.

 Even this child could coach me omg that BH is so clean oof. What a talent

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbIl2IfMpMt/?stkn=MXNjeTE2cng3a3Nuag==

One hander 😤💪🏼

~

I love seeing how talented some people are, honestly just feels great. The world would be a lot nicer if people focused on doing better than wanting others to do better tbh. Hope that day comes about sooner than later. 

~

Oh what a joy it is to play a game and come away thinking oh la la so well I played only got analysis to tell you it was total dog shit. Lol. 😆 Stupid computers.

~

I think I'll start Zarathurstra. Can't believe I gave away my only copy to that dude and he never returned it. Sheesh. The only vengeance list I have consists of people who whacked my books and never gave them back. Heathens! 

Overcast today too. Must be something in chennai tbh. Feels super drained. The second day of periods has started feeling like this in the last few years. Tragic. 

Have so much stuff to finish today ooh la la. Better get on it. 

~ 

Heh. Everytime I open twitch there's a mention of some woman lol. Life blatantly just telling me to exit ♾️. I shall heed the advice. Not like I'll ever trust him anyway so meh. Mid day twitches, no pun intended. I'll just unfollow so no notifs ever pop up.

~

Bit nervous about the deadlines looming up. Funny thing about success. It's not so much the success part that's intimidating, it's more the negatives that come with it that are annoying. Hmmm. Anyway. I like working hard. I think it's the best, most therapeutic thing to do lol. 

~

Also, why is my rating in the shitter. Where is Sadler and his cool analysis? Where be magnus s games? Omg I gotta watch one of his older TT streams. My rating just jumps up post that purely through love for the thinking lol. What a totem I need to bind myself to, in order to play well. Yt streams. A total oops. 

Warli

I am mesmerized by this artform. My love for symmetry finds a home in stick figures 

Always fun to have periods arrive in the dead of the night. Oof. Le uterus rebels at 3.45

~

Stomach be hurtin bad. 

~

Whew. Cold morning, lots of fun to play. Found a good player too so that was excellent. I really enjoyed backhands today maaan. So damn good. When the ball just swings through the air it feels soooooo nice. Swishhhh. And we did those half court rallies that just go on instinct and I enjoyed that a lot. I really hope I can pair up with some good players and improve more cuz wowza what a game! And now my uterus is acting out again so back to status quo. 

~

Ai yai. My stomach is hurting so damn bad. 😞

~

Someone gimme chocolate I'm too hurty to go get it 😭😭

Finally finishing Rooster. Hmmm. He says this thing about feeling like he never belonged anywhere and I found the one line he says that I related to. Heh. For large parts of my life I used to feel like an outsider looking in. With everyone. Maybe it's cuz noone made me feel like I mattered to them. I suppose that's why I was so cut up when M also told me he didn't wanna talk to me. I recall asking him if I was such a horrible person and how he made me feel like some asian girls he would ask his friend to hit to get experience. Lol and he just didn't care. I don't even recall what he did. Probably just spammed some status update or something. Whatever. I'm over all that now, but the fact that someone made me feel so bad and never gave a fuck was quite eye opening. 

But my bad. I should definitely not have given him any attention or care, I should have simply moved on to someone else who would have. Or just generally moved on. Which I did eventually but yeah. It's on me for not having done it sooner. Anyway. A bitter lesson learnt I suppose.

Funnily enough, ending my equation with that other M hasn't bothered me this much. I've known her for soooo long, but I was honestly just so done in my mind that even saying hello was a drag. It's also cuz I genuinely see her as a bad person now. I'd have settled for atleast an apology from her but even that was so pathetic. Just devolved into her arguing like a moron. 

And sadly as much as I wish to, in my heart I don't hate the dude. It's not even naivety, I suppose I reserve that  kinda negativity for a person only when they do something irreversibly damaging. Lol. I guess even during that time, a lot of my own issues surrounding the past were surfacing so I don't hold him accountable for that. Him triggering it isn't his fault. Which is maybe why I don't hate him lol. Yeah. I guess I don't. I stay away, which is a good decision for me. Because I want the door only to be open for people who treat me well. I will never compromise on that here on out. If he wanted me in his life, he should have treated me well. But it's not like a person who doesn't wish to is someone I automatically dislike. I simply choose to leave them behind. I suppose that's a complex thought, but it's just my way of being fair. I guess I only dislike people when there's a mismatch in values to a point where I cannot really ignore it. Otherwise it's just neutral. Like 😐 

~

Maybe he hasn't shown me his shitty sides so I am being generous for no reason lmao. I've often fallen prey to that. Anyway, who knows and who cares. Eff it all. One doesn't need every question answered, we can simply turn to other, more interesting questions. I am a very cautious person so I know I have my back and I'll manage my life just fine. And do right by myself. So it's chill. And I've always known great guys tbh. So like I trust in that too. 

~

Anyway. I consider all this a fresh start. I look forward to life becoming more sorted and I'm very clear that I only wish to spend time on folks who bring the right kind of energy, ethics and vibe in my life. It makes me feel free and happy rn tbh. Hopefully it all pans out well. Until then why not just have fun and chill. 

~

Onwards to griping about rain again. Maaan don't ruin tomos play pls. PLS. OMG. Just as I'm getting good that too. I don't want stupid breaks. Ugh. Maaaan. DO NOT RAIN. 😭

Early mornings are the best. When the world sleeps in. Like midnight. Basically, whenever everyone is asleep is a good time. 

~

Stupid rain cancelled my stupid class and no stupid wall in my building court to play either 😭

I woke up so early all in vain. 😭😭😭😭

Oh great now twitch showing me notifs I bet it's this guy playing too. Rubbing salt in wounds 😐

Stupid early mornings. 😕

~

It's barely midday and it feels like suuuuch a long time has passed oof. Hehe. So much I seem to have griped already. 🥳. Good good. 

What's with the midnight rains and now midday rains? Weird. Always welcome, but also just rain rain rain. 

~

Watching Rooster and I'm just shocked at how flippant they guy is. Having a baby with some grad student then going back to wife. It's just. How are people so irresponsible? 

That's crazy dude. All of it. 

But great show otherwise. I just feel like a lot of these shows are so not relatable to me though. I wonder if it's a reflection of status quo for people these days. But whatever it is, this is absolutely not for me. There's always this tinge of broken sadness that underlines them which I do not get at all. I'm so very old school. Is there no place in the world for that? 

Interesting reviews from peeps for this. A lot of them do not like it haha. They think it's saccharine. Wow. I found it anything but. Like yeah it's meant to be heartwarming but it's just broken relationships so what's warming about that? Lmao this confirms my belief that I'm way too old school. 

Up bright and early. I'm an early bird now oh my goodness. How very chirpy of me. Feels great! 💯 

~

I miss that I'm not playing today though. But otherwise in a zoomies mood rn. What a remarkable change just daily playing has wrought. I'm glad. 

Now onwards with the day! 

All the noise today is bothering me. It's just been so loud outside.

I'm thinking of going off for a trek but going alone might not be a good thing idk. Things women have to think of for themselves. 

And I have to begin that brandon sanderson book as well zomg. His books are so huge. I honestly still haven't figured out why people love him so much. I really must. Maybe it's just more for boys tbh. Lmc. That man's work ethic is top notch. And he seems really good at teaching the craft too. Yet I drag my feet with mistborn. 

What's with 3 am thunder and rain? Weather has changed so much this past decade. I don't recall rains past midnights ever. Atleast morning will be cool. 

~ 

Bumness, I wish I could fall asleep rn

~

What fun thing can I do today? I feel like going out or something. But then the idea of travel is so exhausting lol. I'll end up seeing rooster. Ugh. Maybe a run later. It's been ages since I ran must have ruined my stride who knows. Adulthood is just juggling every moving piece if one stays up other goes down. What a bun! 

~

I hung both my rooks in one move. After hanging queen. Just genius. Pure class. I am sucking too much rn. 

When is WCC I wonder. I hope Guks comes back into form. All this Sindarov hype is making me root for Guks even more lol. He seems like such a good dude on top of that. Both of them do. In a few short years the entire landscape of chess has changed. I barely even follow any events now. Just doesn't feel fun 

~

Where be the good chess. Magnus come backkk

~

Why does Saturday not feel like Saturday? I am restless. Where be the entertainment?

 5 am cold weather. Yummy. 

For some reason I just recalled a time years ago when I'd tell people jokingly to not bother me else I'll sit on their face and omgggg. 😭😭😭😭

It just struck me now what that implies omgggg. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ugh. 

I used to be a pristine person, untouched by filth. Look at me now. Knowing all this. 😕

~

And you know what it's everyone else's fault tbh who tf sits on someone's face anyway what a vile thing to do yuckky. Everyone is yukky.  

~

Imma see another ep of Rooster. Surprisingly sweet show. And such nice writing. I feel like dysfunctional dynamics have replaced the staple happy groups of people shows that used to be the norm. It makes me uncomfortable to watch them cuz I'm always looking for some redemption or happy ending. See even happy ending is a double entendre. Ugh. I yearn for the good ol times where it only meant something in my wholesome. Cheers to Steve Carrell for being such a fine actor. I think my fav rom com is Crazy Stupid Love which seems a bit similar to Rooster' premise. He was so good in that. Even Lil Miss Sunshine. And now that I think about it... They are all movies with a heart tbh. 

I could not hit forehands just. Whyyyyy. Ugh. Frustrating asf. Let's see joining my building group for tennis too, I can atleast get there early morning sometimes. No mo sun for me 😬 😎

I really wish to be really good tbh. That'll be so nice once I break that threshold. Looking forward to getting better. My movement is a lot more flexible now. It's so difficult to switch from running to this start and stop thing. I'd snuck a peek at this fellow also a while back and kept seeing his legs like a creep 🤣🤣. He is so cat like just shuffle shuffle. But yeah. Following some coaches also. It's soooo interesting tbh. And my backhands were absolutely on point today like such fire omggg. I loved that smooth sailing curvy shot smaaaack on the line. 🔥

Maaan. I'm happy rn. Just smiling to myself thinking of racquet swings. I wish I had stuck to tennis throughout adulthood tbh. Oh well. Bettah late than nevaaa! How would shakespeare say it? 

Hark! Though the dial count the lagging day,

And tardy foot doth mock the punctual sun,

Yet better late than leave the deed undone.

For never-coming brings a bootless gray,

Whilst tardy bloom outshines the tomb of day.

Hahahah. Bootless gray. Lmao. This grudging respect I feel for this bard I have mocked for his floral language is pinching me a Lil bit. 

Those were simpler times, when I could pretend his verbosity was like an overly iced cake. Unnecessarily elaborate. But alas, it is I that was the fool. And gladly I wear my dunce cap now. 🧢 

Oh and I have to wash my cap also it smells yuckky. 🤮 

Lol people spamming on building group about errors and transparency in accounting . I now get why so many peeps wish to be involved in the management, never realised that much money was involved. That's nuts. 

Heh. Idle goss is always fun to read. Even the title. Response to malicious social media rumors lmaoooooo. Oh man. Old people and their titling. 🤌🏼

~

And Lazavik just dissing everyone left and right lmao. What's going on? Hiki sucks at the game according to him 😭. On his villain arc.

~

Oh man just watching some LoTR clip of Aragorn and Arwen presenting him with the evenstar and along comes a twitch notif saying mocking hahahahaha wtf. Way to flip off the moment lmaoooo. Maaan. I can't stop laughing rn. 

More power, more power, forward!! Lmao. Soooooo many instructions I had to hear cuz kept sucking hard today. Maaaan. I could barely get the ball over the net properly haha. Pathetic show of loosey gooseyness.

~

Found this really fun insta account of an author screaming out fantasy books dialogues and I love it so much! If that fool of a took can do it. Then SOOO....CAN...YOUU!!

~

I love words. Just 🤌🏼 

~

" Behold! A fool of great ambition! "

" Grant me peace, thou nuisance. "

Lol! I love. Really need more Shakespearen lingo in my daily life. 

Growing up is crazy. I feel like having constructive discussions is a skill that requires so much fine tuning. I suppose when people become parents they might get a better handle on it. Probably teaches you temperance and patience. Hmmm. Heh. These are also the classes we need in school tbh. 

I guess one lesson to be learnt is that one should absolutely learn keep it simple and uncomplicated. Read, watch stuff, do some work, work out and then sleep peacefully. Own up to mistakes, make amends wherever and generally be considerate. I hope I shall be all those things to everyone I care for. I'll certainly make the effort. 

~

Well, it's Ganesh visarjan today. I think it's a good symbolic way to make way for auspicious new beginnings. I never thought about this before but the chant Morya Morya has always been at the background of my life for ever now. 

~

It's 7.25 only

Finding all these art based books and I actually feel like deep diving into some of the stuff here. I'm suddenly gripped by fascination for Indian artforms in a very strong way. Maybe I should bring out the paints tonight and do some sketching. 

Bro says his gf also likes to do mindfulness stuff. That's so cute. That she has a very active brain hehe. I loved that cute thing she painted. That pot omg. I'm legit looking forward to getting to know her well. ♥️

Spent time over coffee looking up teas they might like lol. Exciting to send another package. I love mailing stuff for some reason it just feels so nice. This amazon has taken away that quaintness of snail mail lol. Old times. 

Rained all night and it's all hot again oof.  Atleast I slept well. And no tennis cuz rain omg I'll forget how to play at this rate 😭 I wish to rallllyyyyyyy!!! And beat someone 6-0 😬

~

And I wish to like feast on something. Chomp chomp. Gimme!!

I am in love with Gond painting style. I definitely want to recreate some it's so incredibly lovely. 

Gifties

Omg so cute. I love love love this art. It's so interesting how Gond art is tbh. Absolutely love the style. 

How very cool that India has so many artforms.  

Sporadic mind working overtime lol. Why do I always notice these 444 type times. I think this symmetry makes it really nice. 

Numbers can be so comforting tbh. They just exist, map and evaluate in silence hehe. That's kinda cool. I wonder what the future of academia looks like going forward. After the Navier Stokes is solved, I suppose it's just a matter of time that all others are solved too. People speak of this being a bubble and others think of dystopia so I wonder what is what. I guess it boils down to the question of sentience and how we define it and how we take initiative. That's a wild thought tbh. Ai doing whatever the fuck not because it feels but because it evolves without true sentience. Heh. Fuck, that's doomy as hell. 

~

Man, the sleeplessness has definitely gotten to me. But I am intermittently meh and then okay. I suppose I fall back on this. In uni, this lady allowed her then bf to yell at all the girls in the dorm and everyone stopped talking to her after. Now. I told her someone she is with insulted me so much that I started thinking of him as a horrible person and she ignored it all and kept on ranting about how I'm an awful person for that comparison and more of how dreadful my behaviour was etc. Which she could have addressed many years ago but it was just now. With a lot of cheap shots too. I don't think she deserves having me in her corner. It's not okay to let your partner belittle your friend for ages and then tell them you don't know context and slide by. 

I thought of A just now. And when her cousin made some cheap remark at me and she met me the next day and addressed it on her own. And here this person is spewing venom and telling me he gets along with everyone so I must be the issue. I know she won't feel bad about it cuz she doesn't have a conscience. I mean like... Whatever.

Well. She always complained how noone was ever in her corner and now I genuinely don't think she deserves to have anyone looking out for her. 

~

Anyway, tomo onwards...I shall get back to tennis and work and keep myself busy and look forward to life. And the diwali gifts omg I'm so excited for the stuff I'm getting for my brothers gf. I think it'll be nice to and she will like it. 

~

Happiness for me and my loves from here on out. 

Another semi sleepless night lol. Atleast the world is still. Feel like playing chess tbh. Morning will be ruined if I do. Oops

~

Holy moly the sleep deprivation is getting to me. I cannot even type or think 😭

Lol I snuck a peek. I'd seen that yesterday also, damn cool it was. Bondie man. 

~

I lazed away this day too. My leg pains and aches have gotten better with rest. How very cool it is being old 😹 Now if only I get back to my regular sleep. This stress made me want to be alert but zomg where be the mental toughness I so much need? Rescue me!!

New day and ganesha idol. It's all very festive outside. And quiet cuz people are home. That feels nice. And I am sleep deprived and huuuuunnngry. 

~

I pray for safety and good fortune for me, my family and also that one person. I hope good things, happiness and lots of love comes in all our lives. And may we be protected from all that's harmful and all the people that may try to harm us. 

There's a part of me that's upset and the other part that is relieved. I am not mourning the loss of this friendship, I think I wanted out for a long time now. And I guess that's pretty much it. I wanted out. I hated that guy, I hated being in that space, I hated all of it and I can't see myself being around that person again. All her ranting aside, the fact that she loves this guy is like 🤯 

Anyway, I think this was bound to be and it's fine. There's no point in either person dragging it out. I want to find newer friends, the kind I used to have earlier where I had fun and great convos with. I really miss that tbh. She called my convos boring lol. Heh. Yeah well. I hope I forget this by tomo tbh. Don't think it's worth the mindspace. 

~

What an epic shit show this match is jeez

~

Shelley giving me hope, just don't. 

~

😕

Afternoon naps 😴. I feel soooooooo nice just sitting idle doing nothing. 

~

Oh lord yet another wall of text. About all my flaws and ranting and boring conversations lol. It's interesting how M is really grasping at straws to make me the bad guy while ducking all the stuff I told her that was over the line. Some of this stuff is also over the line. Meh. 

Whatever... I think it's best not to think of any of this. 

Feels like a hurt child trying to grasp at straws to tell themselves look other person bad when they never once communicated their end of things when they should have. Either way, blah. I think there's no point in dwelling. It is what it is. 

And honestly like... Good luck to them. I think there will come a time when they need it. I am sorry for making her feel like she was dealing with me ranting about M, that was my bad. I communicated as such, no excuses about that. But other than that, the rest was just trying to make me a bad person. She also conveniently tried to brush all her bf said and did under the carpet in this flurry of you did this and that. So noted. 

~

In a way I'm happy. I think it's best things are in the open. I feel like both of us have issues communicating our feelings so it's best to air them even if it ends the equation. I don't wish her badly at all. And I understand telling her that stuff harshly must be very hurtful. But I just don't trust that guy. He is 40, takes money from her, lives in her house, wants to do business. Tomo she will be the one taking loans and life can get fucked very easy when someone makes you take loans on your name. I don't think I'm offbase to have concerns and a person who is always trying to say shitty and sly things isn't someone that I would easily trust. But yeah. It is how it is. And definitely very harsh but I mean I would rather say harsh things now than see someone suffer later and have it on my conscience. It scares me when someone uses you for money. It scares me when it feels as if someone might be pretending to be nice to get something like that out of you. And a guy who doesn't have any strong foothold in life at this age isn't one who I can in good conscience give benefit of doubt to. He cheated on her in the beginning, moved in without asking, then pretended like he is looking for a place to stay yada yada and now this. In addition to talking down to her all the time. So yeah. I don't particularly want to recant any of that. 

~

Plus she told me all the misery she was experiencing was because of me. So yeah. Alright. 

~

Lol. What is life without a cluster fuck. Heh. It's okay. Shit happens. Heh. Boss Ross just chimed in with his " we don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents ". 

~

Okay let's watch finals. I fear the worst lol

New day and I feel fine. And kinda upbeat. Woke up at 9 after tossing and turning all night. Oof. I am feeling at peace kinda. And I wanna move forward with intention now. I guess I'm just looking forward to that. 

Twitch giving jumpscares early morning. When did it decide to start sending notifs again? Lol. Crazy. 

And heyyyy ryba won while I slept lol. Woohooo. Ggs. 

Lol. As predicted M is now trying to send me these oh but I recant my apology texts. I'm not really having any reaction beyond understanding that she can be angry too at some stuff I said. Which I expected tbh. But yeah. I'm not sure how much to clarify and how much to ditch because honestly like where do you even go from this point. It's just going to be ultra bad blood no matter how you slice it. Well, let's see. Either just fight it out or just say fuck it or do both lol. Whatever man. Part of what I said might be cuz I was angry but not one thing was untrue or embellished. She doesn't get why any of those things bother me either and having to explain is so exhausting tbh. It's always some excuse or something shit so idk at the end of the day I don't see any regret or remorse so what's the point. 

Life will go on either way so there's that. I was a genuine well wisher and I have been sooooo attached to her and always tried to look out for her. That's the truth. So like all this is just like yeah whatever. I guess I'll put a pin in it for now and leave it be. Will circle back when ready. 

~

A few hours later and I kinda feel calm and okay tbh. Spoke to brother and yeah. Like this kinda immaturity would not have existed if the person I'm talking to had some conscience. I guess everyone has a choice to grow up or not and if they choose not to then that is on them. Hmmm... Idk I guess none of this is surprising and I hardly expect someone to change overnight. I'm sure some stuff I said seemed harsh but I did only point out what I saw, and felt. I know that if someone was being nasty to a friend of mine, I wouldn't idly sit by and make excuses. I also would never make the choices she did tbh. More than that what can anyone say anyway. Blah. It is what it is. It's time to just put all this aside from now. 

Why did I read the shirts Tiafoes team is wearing as " big hoe" 😭

~

Z in finals too. He will win against either of these two. Bleh. Maaaybe shelley might try but 😶

~

My skin is getting so wrecked in the sun I gotta start going to tennis early in the morning. Maybe 6.30 - 7.30 from now. No point baking in the sun as much as I enjoy the heat. Never seen such a weird patch on my hand before wtf man. I wish the court was indoor tbh. Would have been so much better. 😕 I enjoy playing but sun damage is not worth it. Total sun burn despite having sunscreen. 😞

Warli love

 Number of talented people out there is just far too many. 

The artforms from my native state and it's just so intricate. I find it interesting how I've always had an affinity for details and geometry and rocks and all of that is native to the the place I was born at.

That last blue one though damn. Just beautiful execution. I will try recreating it for myself. It's just gorgeous in it's intricacy. 

AI solved the navier stokes conjecture. Wtf yo. That's an insanely scary level of intelligence. Hurtling into the abyss with no guardrails. It's pretty much the end of a lot of professions asap. Idk where we would be in 5 years ngl. Well, no use worrying. Onwards to more human stuff. Like why is Zverev still playing every time slot i can watch. 😭

~

I noticed today how some people are so naturally caring. This one dude at tennis always just comes by to help with the ball bucket etc whenever I carry it. It's so damn nice. And I know he is simply doing it cuz values, nothing else. I bet he is a great father to his kid too. It makes me happy to see men like these. There's just an understanding of niceness which makes me feel relaxed. I've started looking at these traits with a lot of affection now. More of this in life please!

~ 

In general the community there is really sweet and warm. I'm glad I joined. I really do. I like the interactions and the camaraderie and most of all I love the sport. I hope it remains a lifelong habit from now. 

~

And I got myself an RG coloured shirt omg. I'm so happy with that. Just the colour of rust that I love. Can't wait to wear it!! And my arm sleeves to hide from the sun holy moly my skin is suffering and how. Need to play in a face mask or something. 

~

Imma watch the Micheal documentary at dinner. Hope it's good. Somehow all biopics just get butchered. Lmc. Atleast the songs will be great! 

~

I'm suddenly calculating and all wtf. How. What has changed in me in these two days? V sus. Mated down a queen and it was so nice. Weird. I don't trust this new found ability. 

Women's tennis is so much more exciting now than mens. I like Gauff soooo much. And also Ryba. Lmao. How to root for one? 😭

This is so troubling. In like the best way! Go girls!

~

I kinda always low key end up listening to some people. Always. Idk why but I juuust do. Like rn I've been irritable for a few days so I felt like maybe going and getting a drink and then I didn't. Fuck it. I'll just play some blitz 😤

It's about time I level up somewhere sheesh. 

~

Oh hey I'm 2069 blitz now. And it was not very effortful just idk 😐. I donot understand this game at all. Now I'm 2092. All time high. Weird. 

This is what gambling must feel like just be on a hot streak then wish to play mo mo mo

Eyyyy omg. Dude. Okay I can't help but laugh at this what the fuck lmao. Incorrigible.

Heh. Okay time to go buy some new clothes for tennis. After so long my wardrobe is again turning into tennis stuff hehe. Such fun!

And a lemon hybrid fell on me today from the tree too. Feels so cute lol. Life gave me a 🍋 

Awake at 4 am and a bird is perched right outside my window and chirping. This is so sweet. First a katydid, now a bird. Nature is visiting. It feels lovely. 

~

Omg and a peahen also flew into the gardens. Awww. How nice to seeeeee. Animals are the best. 

~

Should have a nice day now, seeing as I've had such cute visitors. 

Omg alcu always giving jump scares like why man. Always. Oof. His matches are tooooooo hard for me lol. Dropping sets making comebacks ooof. 

Shelleys fighting spirit is what I've always loved about him. Glad he isn't just serve botting. I am 💗 it! 

This one is yours shelley let's goooooo! 

~

Oh hell yeah!!! Did it! Ooof. Relentless he be. And he lasted more than a minute Woohoo 🎉 🥳 

Leafy affairs

 Omg what a cute visitor I have. Omggggg. 

First time I've seen a katydid. 🥺♥️

Is summer returning or what? Good god the sun is shining like it's celebrating something. 

Yeah I have no energy for playing today. I'm going to just skip. Found it so tough to fall asleep last night as well. That was weird. Usually I'm out by 11.30 these days. What is robbing my beautiful sleep?

~

Why is it only Wednesday? Feels like a Monday. Imma snooze more until the grumps subside 😬

Goodnight world!

Every morning I wake up and there's zverev playing. Every time! Lol. Why are there no other players 😭

~

Bashed some nice balls today booyea. I'll go everyday this week until I transform into sampras 😬🥸😌

~

Also stupid come around forehand sheesh. Tf was that drill. Useless. Sampras would never need it. 💪🏼 Bunked fitness session also lol. Oopsies. 

~

I wanna see Gauff and Ryba and Zheng all of them. I like all so much it's so hard to pick between them all. Esp Gauff and Ryba. Ugh. Choices, choices.

~

Maybe I'll finish Midsommer today

~

Yaaay ryba won!! Hope Nosko also wins! 

Day 2 of successfully keeping self busy complete. 💪🏼😎

~

Still up at 1.45 am. After ages. 

Let's just play some good chess for a bit. 

Lord, let me consider the opponents move atleast in SOME games. PLEASE! 🙏🏼 🥺 

~

Nvm those were some spectacularly bad ones wow. Just unreal levels of fuckery. I am amazed at my lack of skill. 

Hmmm. Long day. I'm a bit tired. Good. 

It's been more than two weeks since I spoke to M. I guess it's the first time in years I haven't had some form of daily contact with her. As per usual she just disappears when there's something bad happening. I don't even have any patience left for this behaviour tbh. It's the same pattern since uni. She broke up with her ex then disappeared for months, he got married... She did the same thing. Husband... Same and now this. It's like any adversity just prompts a flight response. And when look at it, it just shows me a person that's so selfish and all about themselves. And in this instance she was the one crossing lines with me. Like for months. Making jokes like my mum dying will leave me money and all that rot. It was such an unholy thing to say and she just did. With him it's more calculated, like he is desperate to act like he is smart and can't stand the idea that he isn't so he needs to actively devalue people around him. And in the long run I suppose that's actively worse. 

It's like I can't even expect a half decent, normal person response here. It's always had to be me to pick up pieces and be around, never been from her side. Ironically, I barely even told her anything. I just said leave it, I know you don't mean it multiple times. 

~

I'm kind of relieved tbh. The sheer negativity of the stuff she said and her bf did is very great. I told myself I'll take a few weeks and then think about stuff and yeah even now I just don't really feel anything positive towards her. I remember once ordering food for them at her place. And her bf brought it out the next day to share. I took a bite and kept the fork back and he made her hold it in her hand while he eats cuz pretending like he is so pure he can't allow for someone else's cutlery to touch his food. After bringing the food out in a sharing plate instead of individual ones but hey how else can you show off your purity. And she just did it. It was such a low quality, regressive move. Like those people who think they are pure and others are impure. Wild to do that while eating the food your own guest bought for you. Uneducated guy, doesn't have any money or stability in life. Uses her, and then pulls this shit. And then pretends to be deaf when she speaks because of he is so elite that she is below his notice. Lol. Nuts. 

Told my brother and he said just leave it. He was telling me about some girl in his uni who was dating an abusive dude who beat her up and she would keep going back to him. It's insane how women do that. 

The thing that annoyed me in our conversation was her attempting to put it on me saying you also don't like him and you guys haven't gotten along from the start and then saying she doesn't know context for all the other stuff I was trying to tell her. 

Like come on man. How can you possibly defend such a guy? Sheesh. 

~

I don't know what to say anymore. I've always felt protective towards her cuz she seems so fragile. But now I just feel like oh come on growing up sometime!!! We are in our mid 30s like atleast by now you should have changed and grown enough to deal with things a bit better. Like you can't play the innocent angel when you are actively meeting a married ex while his wife is having miscarriages man. That's just so utterly beyond heinous I can't even compute it. Idk how someone can ever justify that to themselves.

~

Bottom line for me is just that I don't really wish to deal with bullshit, nor do I wish to waste time on people who behave in this insulting way. I can't do it. It's not even like I have fun around them, it's just boring and there's so much obnoxiousness and negativity it's unbearable. I'm always on edge there cuz I know either he or she will say some bullshit. So I suppose that's that. 

~

Never thought 17 odd years of knowing someone would end this way but here we are. It feels icky but honestly I don't wish to hold on or save anything here. I wanted a genuine apology that addresses all this and even that did not really come about fully. It was just excuses for his behaviour and dodging. And now this running away from everyone. Just whatever dude. People cannot babysit you forever.  I don't want to. 

~

Life needs a good revamp. That's all. 

~

What I want is people to connect with at a decent level where you don't have to deal with all this tbh. Otherwise it's fine. I can simply do my own thing and finish projects and meet new folks and do tournaments and explore where life takes me further. I'd honestly just rather spend my time on things that bring me joy and make me feel productive. Let's just bring all these negative old chapters to a close now. 

Amen. 🙏🏼

Whew! What a day. So damn fast time is flying. But then it stopped at 3 pm to catch a breath and started crawling. So far so good. Slow down my lovely. Crawl crawl crawl.

~

So unnaturally bright and hot today. Glad it's an off day for tennis tbh. I'll have to start wearing shades and a beach hat at this rate. Or maybe dress like that lady who covers up so much she looks like a kidnapper. I don't think I've ever seen her face behind the wide brimmed hat and the scarf and the face mask 😂. Things women need to do to keep the sun away. I relate lady!

I'm noticing that it takes a day or two for any soreness I may have to subside. Interesting. Redefining the phrase growing pains. I guess by the year end I should be fine lol. Fingers crossed. 

~

Ugh. I expected the carlitos match to be a bit better. Lol. He just demolished paul with such ease. How good is he man? Sheesh. Crazy carlitos.

~

Aaaand let's get on with our Monday. Oddly 😎 🌞 

Carlitos with an inner shirt is just too cute ya. Lol. I find Paul also to be a sweet guy. Like he seems like a dodo for sure. Very doofy types but also like a sweet jock. Haha. It's nice to see. He seems like a very happy go lucky person too. That's a nice trait. Stay happy, don't stress, work hard. Good way to live life.

Watching Midsommer and pughs bf forgets her bday after being with her for 3 years. Lol. How very sad. May this kinda love never find me. 

I guess it's better than people like M who pretended to forget mine 3 years in a row. May such people never find me either. What a shitty person he is. That was just pure meanness on his part. Lol. He even lied when I reminded him and then just said something shitty like how will I know, and didn't wish or ask how it was or anything. It's all intentional and by design too, that's the worst bit of it. I mean there were plenty of other lows but blah. Plumbing the depths of meanness isn't any use. 

Meh.  If all a person can give you are bad memories to anchor you by, then what use is it remembering them anyway. Life is tooooo short to be wasted on people who insisted on making you unhappy. And didn't care that they caused you to feel bad. All I wanted was a bit of niceness and consideration. I guess I'm just some girl he used to feel validated like the Asians he wanted his friend to hit on to get experience. Well, thanks for the racism I guess. I knew not what it felt like before I knew him. Good old days lol. Maaan. Even putting up that lame status as a way to pretend like no no I'm not racist. Just so childish and weird tbh. 

~

Midsommer is interesting in such a strange way. This whole clan thing just makes me super uncomfortable. I've always hated the idea of people all dressing the same and just living together this way, something about that is super unsettling. I suppose the movie is doing a good job of capturing it. And Florence man. What a fine actress. Just so sublime. 

This movie is freaaaakyyy!! So very creepy. Daytime horrors are just too much.

Oh for fucks sake wuuut. FUCK. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING IN IT OMGGG.

Oh my godddddd what the hell is this film fuck.... Brrrruuuh

~

Okay I cannot watch this. 

Shit I'd rather just see Alcaraz Paul instead when does it start? Zomg.