There's always some clowns in chess who will play a piss poor game then start harassing in chat and calling you a cheater like. Jesus. How fucking lame do you need to even be? 🙄 Not even smart enough to run analysis to see how badly they played. I just hate it so much tbh.
Sheesh. People like this really irritate the fuck out of me. Ruins every game.
No creatine and I feel so much better today zero headache or dehydration. Useless substance. Good I'm ditching it.
~
Man, I have to legit give some credit for some of the life changes I've made like no drinking, more discipline etc in a teeny way to M. He made me want to be more responsible. Hehe. I still remember when I first came around him and realised a few things which kinda made me want to grow up. I didn't really give a shit about anything properly before that. I suppose being responsible towards someone is a very ingrained part of my love language. Even watching him be sooooo sensitive made me feel shocked at first, but then it made me want to be sweet to him and kinda baby him lol. Not in a way where I thought less of him, but more in like... 'hey I do think well of you, why don't you see that?' Kinda way. I was fairly protective of him. And lord knows I would noooot have been that patient with anyone else.
But it's not a good thing to have to lower standards to accomodate someone's behaviour. I would not have thought highly of anyone else if they behaved like that. That's true too, I am used to people that are free and open, and honest to a large degree. I suppose that's as good a reason to have walked as the many others he presented me lol. Maybe some people come by to trigger a change in you, which can be a good thing. Changes can stick, even if you can't. Oh well. He can have a happy life with his tinder and his urge to devalue everyone I guess.
~
Lol. I started the thought with wanting to give him credit but then like... Eff that. I'll change for myself and be responsible for me. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🙄🙄🖕🏼🖕🏼I'm sure his twitch girls and whoring around will suffice in that dept, no need for me to unnecessarily give any. Meh.
Yeah well. If I had ever done all the shit he did, I'm sure the hatred would have been through the roof so despite it all, I'm deffo still a lot kinder than anyone else would have been, if the roles were reversed. Ergo there's room for more spitefulness 💪🏼😁.
I just don't hate him enough, or at all for that matter. I think that's what I actually hate... That I don't dislike him much lol. Ugh. I know that this urge to poke and needle definitely means I still give a shit. Heh. Well, the day I don't, I'll simply forget him entirely. I don't yearn for that day, if I had, it would have been here already. Against my better judgement ofc. 😬
~
I used to be this naive kid who felt like I should only love someone once, properly. And I refused to give my heart out to just anyone. I've never been all in towards anyone tbh. And then life happened and it taught me about my own naivety. How very sad. I hope my periods are round the corner, they are a tad bit late this time. Probably explains the urge to weep also hehe. A sprinkle of sadness which is a lie cuz it's just hormones. How I try to stand outside myself like an observer sometimes. Yeah well, I'm not very emotive irl so atleast I can keep this space for my dramatics. Noone ever knows how I feel anyway.
~
And so it goes, as vonnegut had reminded us.
~
Periods just arrive already pls... Being emo is a drag. And missing people also sucks ass
Up so early, had to check if I was dreaming. It's soooo cold outside I need to just be in my cocoon rn omgggg.
Shhhh world! Gniiite
~
Awake again and still I'm up before my alarm goes off. 💪🏼 Birds and me. Chirp chirp chirp
~
Omg tennis is love. It was such a beautiful sess my goodness me. I loved it so damn much. Ooof. I like that cone thing, easy peasy get the right shots. What a beautiful game though. Like just. Mama mia!
Every tiny bit of pain and ache and twinge has gone away. After months I feel so springy and sprightly rn. Too bad tomo it'll all come back in some shape or form.
The decision to rest and recover was a good one in hindsight though...I'm glad I took some time off. Really feels like there's an underlying adaptation process that also happens with rest. I don't feel the same set of aches again most times. Let's see if the theory holds. Hehe. Oh well. Tis what tis.
~
It's morning now and it rained so much last night. Good, we needed it tbh. Miss old days here when the weather was just perfect year round.
~
Yaay for good rallies. How very fun it is.
" I don't know what they are called. The spaces between seconds. But I think of you always in those intervals."
What a pretty thought, and such a lovely way to express it. And then I tried to look it up and a blog from 2008 came up. And then it said... "17 years ago." 💀
Way to ruin it, huh?
~
Having said that, I guess never really realised how old fashioned my values are tbh. Just now I was thinking about something and it's kinda later in the night and I just feel this sense of affection towards that thought. Kid me was always zooping towards everything futuristic. But the now me is stable and slow underneath that urge to banter and learn new stuff etc. I like that. I'd also like to consolidate that over time. Well, time is all we have. It's a privilege to be alive. I'm glad I get to be here right now and I hope I always am. And it's a privilege to feel affection and to read the line above and know how sweetly it just fits in my life experiences, that I can both understand and appreciate it for what it is.
All my aches and pains have subsided. I wish to enjoy this 12 hours of bliss before I go play tomo and come back with a new collection of aches and pains because why not? A brief interlude, if you will.
La vie est belle, until it isn't. 😬
~
How good it feels to twist and turn in any direction I please without whinging and something twitching though. Ooof.
~
Oh well. Atleast I can play again, that's good.
🎉
Periods are closing in on me and giving me a craving for chocolate since the last two days. It's the only time in the month that I feel like I want something sweet. Not even sweet tbh. I hate sweet, but just that depth of cocoa 😻
And so I find myself with a slice of cake in my chopsticks, dipping it in cold milk and just marvelling at how cool Asians must be to have figured out how to eat with two sticks. They are just so damn versatile.
Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Esp for a person like me that hates touching a snack with my hand. It's just the best.
Even the dipping is just right oof.
~
Life is good. Simple, no frills and sweet. Nay. Chocolatey.
Little things make me the happiest!
~
Lmc clue and check how far away they be tbh. And also google luteal phase while I'm at it cuz wtf why that app throwing fancy words at me?
Who names a period tracker clue anyway? Clue to solving the 'why you crave chocolate and wish to weep while watching silly films?'
Having such strange dreams also. They feel so real as they dissolve and I wake up. I'm in some house, it's like a bungalow with large gardens while I'm packing and I have a smaller sibling who is being bratty. Place reminds me of those older structures with plants from long ago. Esp those old fashioned large leafed plants that kinda sprawl about. And while we are packing, I am just throwing things in a suitcase cuz why not. I've left it till the last minute. And the younger kid has done something wrong idk what, but it irritates me. So then I go and shout at her. I pull at her pigtail and the rubberband comes off, and I tell our mum that she has been doing that something she wasn't supposed to. I know she has been bratty all day and just giving everyone attitude. Finally I look at her and I realise she is about to cry. I melt a bit and then I just scoop her up and decide to ask her what's up. For once she also doesn't start throwing a tantrum and then just starts clinging to me. I sense something is wrong so I want to ask her what it is but instead I first say I'm sorry. For pulling her band out. It was a small thing but that makes her cling more. So I walk to the garden with her, hoping the sunshine makes her feel better. And ask her what's up. And she goes... Mom and dad don't talk and noone gets to talk badly about mom and it angers her and she is also sad. So I just give her a big hug and promise her noone will talk badly of her mum ever. She complains about her dad never speaking to her about anything, but I know he is sad so he doesn't know what to say and she is too small. I can feel her hurt and angst though. I feel like we are cousins at this point? Idk. Something. And while she clings I decide to let her be as long as she needs and tell her she can pack all her fav things with her. And give her as much reassurance as I can. Hopefully she could feel it through the hug, I tell myself. Then the dream begins to dissolve. Right in that garden as I'm wishing this little kid feels better.
~>€[
And now I'm awake and wuuuuut was thaaaaat? Lol. I don't even know. 😂
Could literally feel the desire to make this kid feel at peace right as I wake up and whooooo was it?
~
Dreams are so funny like faces make sense in them but outside they don't. Well. Atleast I hope the dream kid felt a little reassured. Sorry for snatching at your pigtail little one. Idk why but I'm glad I led with an apology, I feel like hurt folks sometimes just lash out but they need you to understand them more than retaliate at their inability to deal with stuff.
~
Maaaan.
There's nothing in the world as precious as little kids and hurt kids who can't articulate it just break my heart yo. Like. I wish I could prevent any and all kids from being hurt I wish that was possible. Such a bummer that is.
I love schools so much! They are the best!
~
I like how teachers always dress up in these long necklaces paired with nice but staid colours. Has always been a joy to see. I know internally they can be quite catty, but in pics it just forms a nice image to me.
My neighbours' dog scared the crap out of me right as I was going to the lift today morning lol. He is so huge! And persistent in his desire to woof woof woof
Now I hear another dog barking on the balcony, throwing a fuss. I'm on his side. Give em woofs doggo!
It's a lovely Saturday with people and their pets doing bs.
~
I had a dream about tennis too. Like I was sharing with someone about playing again. And then... Hmmmm... I was holding it back a little cuz unsure if they wanted to hear me out. I wonder why that was. Who was in my dream? I can't recall that face. Someone with a moustache too. Wuuut
~>
So damn sleepyyyy today.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbbzaYkzOCw/?igsh=eHBmc3p1YzJ6MXdn
This is truly so magical, idk how to save it but I hope oneday I see it again!
Eating a gooseberry a day with my coffee now like. At first it tasted so yuckky but that bitterness is oddly addictive. Or maybe I'm just a masochist who knows.
Let's see if my vit c levels become taut after this. Who knows maybe they will.
~
Is my period round the corner? That subtle uterus whine is creeping up. Like knock knock haha look at me I'm here rnnnnn. A guest who doesn't ring a bell but rather hammers your door.
~
The new Airbender movie is outttt!!! Oofff. Bet it's better than that odyssey sheesh. Forgettable affairs.
~
Someone posted another one of ronaldos ashleel pics ewww man. Wutttt. This one is worse than anything I've ever seen. Whyyyy
I suppose I can always scare myself with it later.
Like why tf is it above his tan line yaaaa
😩
Mum texting me that she has gone to judge a competition lol. How fun for her. Sometimes I think she should have gone back to teaching just for this kinda social interaction.
My brother's Spotify UPI mandate just came in rn lmao. I love that I pay for his stupid account hahahah. It feels like old times, like when he used to call me at 10 am when I was at work demanding a pizza 🍕 hahah...omgg. loved itttt!
~
Waking up with leg pain yet again. 😤 Hell yea!
However, today I looked in the mirror as I woke up and went to brush my teeth and idk if it was the morning light or whatever but I just went oooh, I feel pretty today🙈. I suppose it's wearing pink, it suits me.
I love being natural more than makeup looks now. Like by a wide margin. Tiny enhancements like scrubs and earrings or something light mascara I think are nice but overall muted colours, natural shades and in general keeping things minimal and healthy is something I really do like more and more as I age. My liking for bold colours has also kinda gone away and been replaced by softer shades. All the light pinks and blues and such. I associate beauty with harmony now I suppose. Well. As long as I don't lose my fiery nature that should be a good tradeoff. I've definitely been trying to balance that with more reserve and staidness the past few years... Let's see how much of that succeeds. I feel like I can give years to practicing stoicism and then zoop! One random thing will take me back to boisterousness.
Like a dog that sees a squirrel, I regretfully identify with that comparison. Woof. 🐶
~
Saving cuz why not. Embrace thy dark circles. Unfiltered asf, but waking up happy is so worth it all! ♥️
Zomg just saw Ronaldos new post like wuuut. Speaking of cosmetic enhancements and then there's this dude just becoming more and more unnatural looking every day.
Also. Why why whyyyyy do guys who hit the gym always pose in these weird tight shorts that are rolled up all the wayyyyy? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It's sooooo gross and feels soooooooooooo obscene like whyyyy did I have to see this omgggg.
Ugh. Stupid footballers.
~
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbZOf-lq04q/?igsh=Y3ViZGVnd2dteDhs
Oh man. This vibe though. Can't believe I've never seen the video before. There's also a cheetah in it hell yea baby! Fav animal for a reason!
I really want a soda maker for carbonated water. It's one thing I actually like...sparkling water. Yumsies.
Gimme!!
~
Today is a sweet, slow day. Nothing much happening, time is moving along merrily. Reading some recipe and I'm finding it so fun that all the ingredients are right below the instructions line. Lol. It's just so perfectly intuitive that it feels nice. I see it's a GitHub extention. Interesting. Chef. And cooklang. Hey this is really cool. Damn. Never seen it before. Marvelous. Always cool to find such things.
~
Omg kavinsky passed away wuuuut. Damn dude. That is sudden. Was just listening to him a while back. 😕
Omg it was global tiger day yesterday. How cuuute. Kitty kats! Meow! Haha. If it was a day before that someone would have been soooo happy lol. Would have considered it by divine decree or something for suuuuure. I enjoy thinking of him as a diva at times.
~
It's weird. But different people give you a different sense of themselves in such strong ways. Like whenever I've been around T, I've felt this sense of calm and rootedness and a lot of what you see is what is get. Kinda gentle but also very diligent. With this other person it's always felt like uber selfish and self centered, very cruel also at times. I remember I used to keeeeep hoping I'm wrong and looking for signs for niceness. It's not like I know either too well, but those impressions have been very strong on me. Anyway, doesn't matter. I could be completely and wildly wrong about it all lol. Idle musings at the end of the day.
I guess there's an inherent fascination that people hold for me which drives me to understand. Earlier, people used to mistake my interest for care, it was never that, just academic at best. Now, I've learnt to keep it at a more observational level. Better to just keep one's own counsel. One good thing I see is that I now very naturally only gravitate to stable and grounded folks. I like that... I think it's good to have barriers to entry to life designed to protect yourself. I guess mean folks ain't getting through mine anymore. I'm happy about that tbh. Makes me rest easy. All in a life's work.
~
Aaaand with that, we gotta get the day started.
Finally one of the jobs done. Whew! Paperwork is super annoying sheesh. Now 4 more left. 🙄
~
I'm tired of losing to 1800s. Let's pull up our socks and lose to 1700s instead. 💪🏼
Ugh. I'm v mad at this losing now..ugghhhg. chess can only be played when annoyed. No such thing as happy play. Except maybe for magnus. Whatever fuck him also🖕🏼 😤🖕🏼
~
Yaay losing to 1900s now. Wonderful.
~
I'm restless againnnnn!!!!
~
I haven't heard any jazz in a long time. It's been a long minute huh?
Waking up early and just taking in the cold morning. It's a peaceful time... I get why people might like waking up at this time too, it's pretty much like late night.
~
I have tasks to accomplish today that need soooo much concentration. Mmmmhm. See now that makes me want to snuggle and sleep hehe.
~
Let's try some stretching today. Let me see if my stiff asf body can manage it. Also, why do I have 3 effin pillows on my bed. Kept wondering what's poking my back last night and it's this. Hmmm. Okay snooze for 5 more then get upppp.
A very reluctant good morning world! ☕
~
Oh em double gees
https://youtu.be/1iUJ1nLnCI0?si=pVHYM8IylvpFxIky
Ooof. 🔥 Too bad djoko started lobbing these. Always ruining every cool thing. Sheesh. 🙄
Bathing can sometimes feel like a chore! I type this cuz I'm sooooooo reluctant to switch on the geyser rn. Better to waste more time 😛
~
Nvm. Did it. Wooohoo! I smell so good rn yummy.
~
I wanna listen to a nice song but can't think of any. I feel so strangely restless. Idk why. Hmmm. Tis what tis.
I had a strange dream where someone was trying to be inappropriate with me. And even in the fucking dream I was like eew 🤺🤺🤺. Heh. I'm glad I'm me, and not someone else. All the worlds muckiness sometimes weighs really heavily on my mind, but I've always been proud of my resilience and sometimes it's good to know that even in something as low stakes as a silly dream I'd still be like eff off ghoul! I hope I always have the strength to do the right thing. Temptation should be limited to chocolate cake and... Well only cake lol. Can't even think of any other food that tempts me much tbh. Chocolate it isss!! Oh n dumplings. My two loves.
Cloudy outside. I can't go and play today. Damn. But I suppose another rest day won't hurt. Probably take away the last of the pains. Hmm it's already 28th. Time is flyingggg!
~
Fuck this year is halfway gone yo!
~
Well, let's just get through the day.
~
People post wins from their tennis tourneys and it's guys who are so okok at it. I really want to play well soon tbh. These two dudes were actually practicing with me and were netting all their shots. Hmmm. I suppose it's commendable people taking the time to still play in their 40s tbh. That's great by itself. Recovery must definitely be harder for them.
~
Well, I shall go tomo onwards. I think all parts of my body that could hurt from the shock of it have finished hurting lmao. Time to find new aches and pains. 💪🏼
~
Zomg mum is calling to tell me she spoke to L's dad then he asked about me. Ugh. My first reaction was sheesh I don't want to be in that spot. I think I genuinely find the idea of my boundaries being trampled very upsetting. I definitely get over possessive of them. I guess when you know your feelings and fears are safe from exploitation, it's only around those folks you feel kinda relaxed. Anyway, post that tiny moment I also realised, hey I don't need to care or worry, I'll handle it either way. I have no interest in carrying L forward or reconnecting with that group in life, so that's that. I honestly wish to go far away from all these folks. One should just make room for people who are good to us, and that's all. I shall be super careful about that going forward. I suppose that means saying goodbye to my exuberance and habit of tumbling in with joy like a golden retriever. Woof. Tail droop.
It's really marvelous to be able to see both Sadler and howell play tbh. By far the games I enjoy the most. Sadlers a bit slower than he was last year at bullet, but maaaan that level is sooooo good. Almost always winning and how. Both are great at explaining things too.
I wonder if Natasha Regan also plays. I really like her as well. Will ask her. Can't believe I haven't till now lol
Hehe baby bro placed 120 something in the SF 5k how nice! And they all got beat by some 55 yo dude who placed first haha. Nice nice. Love it. 💪🏼 So cute seeing his name in the race results. Also ran in 28 mins Woohoo, I love that number so much. Would be a good rating also oof.
Told mum M's getting married to that guy. She was happy at first. Then I told her honestly how I see that fellow and she was like oh ummm. Atleast she gets now that it's better to not get married if people are shitty. That's a huge leap for her. But she gets that marriage is a huge commitment. She liked what my cousin said to her once. About how he chose his wife cuz he could speak to her openly and affectionately. And mum says yeah if you can have nice conversations then it becomes easy. I agree with that. I think if you are lucky enough to meet someone with whom life seems easy, then you should give it a go. The stark difference between him and my friend is unreal. He chose someone sweet. And that will pay dividends over time I suppose. Good stuff. I guess I should also learn from him.
~
A good conversation always has me hooked too hehe. Cheers to that, and cheers to being with folks with whom one can have good ones tbh... I don't think I can ever settle for less than anyway lol. I loooove yapping and I like people who enjoy yapping with me. ♥️
~
This fucking website is still down fml. When will I finish my stupid work?
Bogged down by all this paperwork man. I honestly wish I could outsource all this to someone lol. Nothing like being knee deep in documents and scans to make you hate adulthood. Lol people with kids probably have to do so many more. Haha, sucks for them!
And just as I type this, the site is down. Lol. Of all the days for that to happen, it has to be the one day I decided to get this stuff done. 😊
I have legit whiled away the entire day! All it would need is a bunch of take out containers to really make me seem like a complete sloth. Too bad I'm too lazy to get take out hehe. 💪🏼
~
Imma watch some nice studio Ghibli film to round out this day. I bet the French or the Japanese or someone will have a word for a day like this. Enjoyable, subtle... Peaceful.
~
Ooo wind also rises. Ghibli is a testament to human creativity. Feels bad to know their work can be plagiarised now. :(
~
Oh hey it's 26th already. Wow. Half the year is GONE! ZOOP!
Every time I see some random recipes, esp with chicken... My mind strays to M and I end up wondering if he could have any of those ingredients. Weird. Esp as I don't eat meat or poultry myself. Heh. What I should wonder is... Well pretty much anything else tbh. 😂😅
Sky so blue and why tf is it not raining here this time. Also, how good are lazy sundays? Just rolling around doing nothing, seeing pointless recipes. Which reminds me there's fish in the freezer I got a month ago and didn't eat. 😩
Well, dad leaves today. Wonder when I get to see him next. Hope he has a good trip.
~
Gonna speak to bro today and M too! That will be so fun! Always nice to gab and yap hehe. Or did he say his time Sunday evening? Ugh. Always tough to figure out lol.
~
Waking up early has lost its charm ngl. I just want to roll over and sleep again. I need some cucumber slices by the bedside to place on my eyes when I wake up lol. Diva! Anyway, up and at it! Let's gooooo.
Also, why do I always wake up sideways on the bed? How much do I keep moving around lmao
~
Today I'll watch some old satyajit ray films later in the day I think.
~
Nvm... Its afternoon, looks a bit rainy and now I'm watching dark knight. What a fantastic film man. Damn. Top notch 🎩
" They're only as good as the world allows them to be. "
~
People in the 40+ category at my club winning in tennis. How nice tbh. It's really cool that people are still competing . I'll also go for tourneys after 6 months.
Came to a brewery to get some writing done. Lol. Let's see how this goes haha. Who knows? Maybe it isn't bad? Or maybe I just drink a pint and go home lol.
I like sitting in a corner and sipping and seeing the world. I've never actually done this before. Kinda fun ngl.
~
Lmc what all I can do today tbh. Have to meet cousin also, so might as well have a pint beforehand lol. I honestly wish I had family I could relate to at times. But meh. Big deal.
A lot of breweries have taken to playing some godawful music these days just why. Edm did one thing wrong, it completely annihilated rock and classics from the playlists. My city was known for its love of rock back in the day, but now it's just a whole lot of soulless shit. Hehe, I'm griping like an old person. Oh well. Why not?
Yesterday, for the first time ever. I felt differently towards a certain outcome. I never even thought that was going to happen for me. And it has. Hmmm. I'm over that phase of life for good lol.
Fucking lifetime huh. Hehe. All is good.
~
Sitting here and wondering why tf do I need to meet my cousin again zomg. I think I'm going to skip out and let him meet dad by himself tomo. I just cannot bring myself to spend more time with him man. Just don't like him tbh, wish he hadn't moved so close by. 🙄 One day, I'm just going to go far away from these folks. I just don't want to steer life in the direction of that side of the family ever.
~
OMG!
Fuck. There's some ai generated bs called DOTING SNAKE LORD 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why why whyyyyy. So much trash and it has an obscene number of views. God these cheap asf romantasy bullshit is soooo ickyyyy. I'm sure there must be an insane amount of this crap out there.
~
😕😕😕😕
Why did I see the preview of one. Why. A woman bangs a dragon lord, gets preggers, is snubbed, has a baby and then gives LITRES OF MILK cuz the baby is half dragon child. WHAT IN THE WORLD AND WHY. This is just porn for women. 😩
Heard music that reminded me of this. All these years and it still holds up just the same for me. I love it so much. Ever more so cuz the video was shot in Rajasthan. Something about the desert was always so very magical to me. Oh the nostalgia I feel. The video is exactly as hard hitting as it was the first time I saw it.
It's quite literally like wanting to catch sand, isn't it? A beautiful thing. Some songs just leave their imprint on you.
Ironic that one of the 2000s songs I so very love is created by a German hippie. Lol. This world is such an odd place sometimes. He seems like a shiva cafe aficionado too lol.
Never heard this before but I like it too.
~
How very krishna coded tbh. With the flute and such.
Oh wow he has been making music since 85. Can't believe I didn't know this. What a random day to find out lol.
There's atleast one day a week that I feel utterly bored lol. Just zero willingness to do anything but also very blah. One needs an extra day a week purely for lounging.
Weekly dips.
Plus I legit feel tired and like I have aches and pains all over. It's very annoying. Rn my hip hurts like why even. Good lord. Idk how djoko does it, honestly. To be at that level is unreal and purely crazy. The thought of playing tomo is very daunting ngl
Some dudes post marriage just stop talking to women friends. Idk what to feel about that ngl. ESPECIALLY AS I NEVER EVEN UNDERSTOOD IT.
Hmmm. I hadn't understood that earlier but I suddenly did after raves started being a bit stand off ish. Even S had been a bit on the side of only meeting for coffee never drinks alone and I found it weird until one day I remembered his gf didn't like him meeting women.
I guess what irritates me is that I don't get why the weirdness when it's never been anything but friendship. Lol. Fucking weirdos man. Haha, but I suppose its a nice thing they prioritise their partners. But like... I feel a bit snubbed too. We were always good buddies so why this sudden bs. I don't like that bit. It's just zoop! Change!
Hehe. Men ya. Such dodos at times lol. I suppose I should have understood this earlier. I guess when I don't have any ill intent I simply don't realise why tf are people like this. Hmmm. But I guess marriage does change dynamics somewhat. Eeyugh. Stupid adult bullshit lol
~
Never once thought if I'm married I can't talk to my guy friends tbh. That's super weird. Would a guy actually want me not to? No clue. Istg I would not even have realised it until someone told me not to tbh. And I would low key be outraged at the very idea that someone thinks there's anything except buddyhood in my equations lol. Seriously like... The thought of doing something shitty would literally never have crossed my mind. Ugh. The world sucks bro. All are idiots. But I guess I'd also have to trust my partner to keep appropriate distance. Which I think he would tbh. Oh my god, would I have to worry about all this? Nahhhhh. I don't think so, and I'm not wasting my time on this bs.
I'm very reluctant to get up and go play today. Just feeling super duper sleepy lol.
Well. Gotta suck it upppp. I have so much bs to finish today omg. It's a mountain.
~
Was seeing a lot of promos for odyssey come in my feed and people were talking about percy jackson being their entry point into Greek myths. It made me wanna cry. Like legit. How low are reading levels for that lame book to be the entry point man. It was complete bogus. Ugh. I weep for the dumbing down of civilization, I truly do. I kept wondering through the film if the dialogue was intentionally dumbed down to suit people and now I feel like it was. I weepeth streaming tears of sorrow, the age of intellect is all but over.
Finally. A good practice session. I'm really happy with it. Not a single ball was away from where I needed it to be. Played with consistency as well. I'm a happy girl today! Fingers crossed I improve quick and well! 🤞🏼🙏🏼
~
Finally reading why cool down is important, yeah this is the stuff of nightmares. Yikes. This stuff is like an hour extra lmao. I need a nice massage. Yummy.
Planning on pulling out of tomos plans too cuz I doubt I want to endure traffic. Look at me all old and lazy.
~
I need an old people sign off so I can sigh like that. Something that's just mine. Hehe. Ok gotta think.
~
Was pondering over what M was saying about her ex. How he had a baby just now but was still trying to get with her. And idk man. I just find it weird that she entertains it. She makes it seems as if it's just him doing this but somewhere I don't buy that. If you are in a committed relationship you should be firm with your boundaries and not talk to guys like this. All of this is super sickening ngl. I feel bad for the kid. And guys can be so scummy seriously. Wife having miscarriages and them doing this. Colossal puke 🤮
Wow it's like I've very much forgotten how to chess. Wonderful. Life is like a series of balancing exercises. One thing does well, then another goes out of whack lol. Of all the uselessness.
~
A pipe is damaged outside my house so now there's so many dudes here trying to fix it. I dislike this chaos so much. Gotta keep an eye on everything. Bleh. Taking away precious time. Oh well. I can tank a few more games 😁
A cold, chilly morning is just the best to wake up to! I feel nice, no aches and pains... Just snuggly and warm while the air outside is cool. Best feeling ever! I'm so reluctant to start my day simply cuz just this moment feels delicious.
I had a nice dream where we were exploring some city. I say we but I don't know who the other folks were. Just me and 3 other people, doing something. It was nice, that contraption we travelled on was actually quite interesting to me. Two seats at the back and one in the front with a pulling mechanism like at theme parks. Not a carriage or so but had this very unique seating. Hmmm. And we rescued pups who were squabbling lol. I have the weirdest but v interesting dreams.
~
Told myself that if I win my first game I'll have a nice day, and then said if I lose also I'll have a nice day. Pleased that I'd gamed the system, I went ahead and played and got a draw. 😂. I SHALL HAVE A GOOD DAY FUCK YOU DRAWS
Aaand I have to renew passport also ugh. And file everything. How painful. All these chores man. So very annoying.
~
My knees and legs feel less creaky today. Finally. Was hobbling about before this. I'm glad. Tomo is a rest day anyway which will be good for me. Drank a bit last night so today felt a bit too blah. Weird thing with alcohol just doesn't feel good the next day. Had to take an ibuprofen lol. Atleast no migraine. Wins. Hehe, daily gripes.
Now that I've had time to think. Part of me is happy for M, the other part is a bit sceptical. I guess it's not my place to voice anything anyway. Idk man, I suppose one must trust that everyone has their own journey and leave it at that? Possibly best to do that. Esp since she is looking forward to it. There's a sense of protectiveness I do feel. I even mentioned to her that a bunch of folks make these kinda decisions when they see some ex hit a milestone. I know her ex having a kid might have been a trigger here maybe. Not sure.
~
Anyway, I guess it's not about me. So saying anything now is really not my place. I suppose I should just be happy for her and hope it works out. I'm sure her mum is super happy too, so that's good. I did tell her that leaving this time around will be tough so think twice. I know she gets that. Thing is, I kinda felt like... She supports people she cares about... And has been doing that for that guy, so him talking down to her again and again never sat right with me. I'm not forgiving of this kinda obnoxiousness. Not one bit. Tearing someone down is an absolute no go in my books. Niceness and respect is not optional.
~
Well, here's hoping he turns out to be a decent person.
Hmmm. So it's a lot to unpack I guess. She says she is happy, so I suppose I should believe her. I mean like. Well. Hahah, idk I'm low key speechless. Wow, second time around she is marrying. Maaaan. I wish it was to a better dude lmao. Well, best of luck I suppose. Heh. She is like a sister to me, so I cannot be angry at her forever either. Once you choose to care about some dumbass person what to do. Haha. Oh well. I suppose she is closest to being family that isn't related. So I'd like her to be happy.
We have all come so far tbh. That's pretty nuts. I feel a bit emotional too, I guess we have been friends for soooooo long dude. Almost half my life now. So it deffo feels like a huge journey. Hmmm. Well, hopefully this guy isn't too bad. We were talking about how it would be hard to leave this time around so better be sure. Trusting someone enough to marry them is craaaazy hard ngl. I guess I still don't like C much so it's hard to be completely on board. If she is happy then I guess that's what matters. Damn, I legit feel emotional. It's not like a lot changes, but hmmm. I guess it's a huge milestone. And that feels good and heavy in its own way. Well. I suppose such is life.
Atleast we know now that we should only value people who value us. Good stuff. ♥️
Wild that she hasn't seen him without a beard ever though haha. That's funny. Beards are so great man. Just 🤌🏼
Dad visiting and he looks so much older all of a sudden. I find that I'm becoming very naturally fond of, as well as caring towards old people. Not a change I'd ever expected ngl.
~
Maybe it's easy to be close to people when they are older? A bit less crazy? Lol. I'm lucky that me parents chose the route of becoming more benign not batshit crazy lol. That would be hard to handle ngl.
Fuck proper cooldown released all the aches and pains in my legs wuuuut. Omgggg.
What even is this magic? And does this mean now I need an extra half an hour of cooldown everyday?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Fuuuuck.
~
I can't believe how much better I'm feeling rn though. Damn. Hmmm. Okay so I guess I'll do a longer warm up from tomo as well. 😩
Watching it and halfway through I'm just not feeling it. This simply isn't nolans area. These epics need a lot more grit and understanding of sentiment as well as the mythology being depicted right. This was soooo haphazard for me. Meh.
In the last bit, I liked what they tried to show but it made me wonder...
We make up these morals and pretend like living within them makes us good, right, exempt from bad consequences. Is that really true? Or just more lies we tell ourselves to help us sleep better? Fabrics that are spun out of yarns of wishful thinking and making stuff up. Meh. Idk, what I do know is I wish someone remakes this myth. I have always loved the scale and imagination of the Greek and Roman mythology, it deserves a depiction that does it justice. This kinda wasn't it. I feel like nolan excels at grandeur as well as uplifting concepts, but stories like these are soooo rooted, they need a more grounded person to tell them.
Oh well.
Also, sheesh who tf says dad will come home? The dialogue was too damn cringe. Jason Bourne would have ezpz come back sooner.
~
Troy was SO MUCH BETTER. Even the opening scene with Achilles. "Of all the warlords loved by the gods, I hate him the most."
Oh man that first scene was so top tier.
Aura farming 🧺 🔱
+ Noone calls anyone 'dad' in this film 😭
Nightmare a couple of nights ago was fucking insane and intense. Some dude just pretending to be a delivery guy came to the door and then just came inside to attack me. And like I knew he couldn't reach me but at the same time it was so surreal.Oh my god. He finally ran out and a while later was peeping through the peephole with a blood thirsty look.
Fml. Just day before I was thinking oo I hardly ever get nightmares and boom! 🙄 Ugh. After seeing that stupid video on nightmares and the etymology of that name.
~
I need to dream up a blowtorch to fend off dream intruders. 😾
Whew! Ran lots today. This was fun. And had a lot of fun playing rallies. Glad I went a bit early too. The sun wasn't as bad. Hmmm. I have honestly nothing but deep respect for how much M has maintained his level ngl. His commitment to all things that serve his selfishness is very commendable. Haha, I refused to give a wholeheartedly nice compliment also now. Gotta be a lil snippy cuz why not. A bit of bite in everything 😁
~
Listening to thanks for the memories on the drive over made me laugh so damn much ngl. Such cringe lyrics omggg. Love the song and the pettiness of it tbh. Thnks fr th Mmrs tbh. God the spellings of the 2000s loool. Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great. Hahhahahaha. Just 👩🏼🍳💋And then linkin park. It's the best cringe teenage band ever! Idk why taylor swift gets so much hate by the I'm so cool crowd when a whole lot of prog and rock also have similarly childish lyrics. Haha. Fun stuff man.
~
Watching a 17 to sinner okay against Steve J when I woke up last night omg. What a crazy, crazy, crazy guy!! That was sublime. A teen dismantling a grown man like that is insane to me. And coming back up from 5-2 like. Wowza. All great matches happen on clay, a hill I'll totally die on yes sir!
~
It's nice to see someone trying tbh. Feels good. Hehe. Small things like this always make me smile.
~
Hmmm. I feel a headache coming on. Everytime I'm out too long in the sun it feels a bit shitty. Should maybe just go early in the day.
~
I remembered that crazy dude today and checked out one of those alt and OMG it made me laugh soooo much. Some people are just so nutty yo. I miss the old days of Twitter where there were all these funny accounts giving quips. Although I must say the feed cleanup has been immense these days... I was completely shocked. No more mucky rage bait bs. I guess people finally decided to restore it to normalcy. Wonder if that will help change its image back. Who knows? Not my circus, not my monkeys.
~
I love witty folks yo. Just.
~
Was thinking of watching Midsommer this week and then the vid I was seeing mentioned it. 😳 Coincidences like these are so damn weird. Midsommer isn't even a generic term. Sheesh. Everything is connected shhhhh 🤫
~
wow 2 am and I'm up cuz I had such a bad nightmare. Ffs. Scary stuff
Fuck. The fragile ego of a talentless man who thinks he is hot shit is the weirdest fucking shit I've ever encountered. Gowd. What a fucking clown that guy was. Total noob and had the gall to try and talk down to me. Glad I beat him nicely. The good bit is that people like this just motivate me to do better cuz there's no better feeling that rubbing their stupid face in it. Then watch them cry and give excuses. 🙄
~
Time to focus and get much better, faster!
~
I'm not even tired. Feels like I hardly played then. Even though we played for an hour and a half. Ugh. Want some good rallies from now. I want to be the best player on this court ngl. People like this honestly motivate me more than anything else. Imma do my best.
Too sunny 🔆😎!!
Have so much to finish today! For some reason Tuesdays feel great. Just right in the middle of the week when you can hit your stride!
🥂
~
This waking up early thing is finally not seeming like a chore. Slept late last night but still managed to get up by 7. I am so proud of myself 🥲
~
Soooo hungry today!!! Need food!!
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Broke the cap by almost half wuuut. 🙄
~
Turning out to be a semi frustrating day nothing is done properly. Harrumph.
Why is it that whenever I cook I end up burning my hand just a bit somewhere 😭. Every other time. Ugh. Should just eat fruits and raw vegetables in protest. 😤
~
Omg I bought round ice trays I can use round ice for this. 🥺 Silver linings. Also, wow I completely forgot about them. That's wild. So burning hand and forgetting things. Beautiful
~
Heh. It's funny to me that Kafka said this. I don't know the larger context of why but I do believe at times in life this can be true. I know I loved you with all my heart. Just. Every little bit of me. So yeah, I guess you could say you atleast had one person who fully loved you. I believe that's a privilege. When you know a person has chosen to give you their love.
Then I think of that line from Lady Bird... When the sister talks about her loving sacramento. Loving something and paying it attention is the same thing. I agree with that. I pay attention when I love someone. Conversely I don't feel loved if someone is all about themselves. I can't like such folks. Dislike them, sure. Heh.
And man, I dislike the mother in this film. So annoying.
"What if this is the best version of me?"
Heh. Chalamet hates Dave Matthews. Lol douche.
Crash in to meeee! Baby! Sweet like candy to my soulll... Sooo lost... For youuu.
Watching a movie in 3 parts. Finally finishing it tonight. It doesn't have the same feeling attached to it as I had earlier. I guess that's just the growing up.
And now it's afternoon and I am taking a nap lol. Feels so good to just unwind ngl. A hectic week and then a chill Sunday. Delightful!
My knees and legs need a good rest after the shock of coaching lol.
A laaaazy day, and I'm very happy about it. Gotta buy some workout gear and that's about it. That's my day.
~
Been watching some old Roger shots. How is he so pretty ya. What effortlessness just. I love his game so damn much.
~
Damn I played an extra rapid game. Oops. Didn't count. Wish I hadn't too, lost it so badly lol. Oh well. Tomo is another day!
~
Time for zverev sinner 😑. It's weird to see an abusive guy ngl. He tries to be so overly friendly these days. Trying real hard to win people over. Still can't forget him trying to hit the umpire once. Crazy scenes. And he is soooo tall. Shivers. Anyway. I suppose it'll be a tight first set atleast. I feel like he has worked on his mentality a bit, who knows... Maybe he doesn't choke this time around. Let's see. Man, if he weren't an abusive guy I'd have rooted for him to win ngl. Just goes to show you never know how people are just by the face they put on. Scary thought. My guy instinct says he is going to do well today tbh. Let's see.
~
Whew. Ending on a loss and then having to quit cuz game cap is reached is low key annoying lol. Well, serves me right. Should not have been rash. Tough love to me!
Listening to it after so long. As gooey as the first time. ♥️
~
Watching Lady Bird again just to see if I like it the same. I must say, I do. Chalamet is such a douche in this lmao. I'd forgotten it was shot as snippets. I'm in my oh if it's too artsy it's trying too hard phase. Interesting how movies and books hit you different at different ages. Brother loved it though. Hehe. And he likes the painting I sent. T and M do too. That's so nice. I'm glad.
~
Omg timmy tim is totally a jerk lmao. Reading his intelligentsia books no less. Soirise is just 🤌🏼. She is such a talented actress, truly remarkable. I'm glad I never had an affinity for such douchey boys. Always the witty ones and the shy ones I found charming. Good good.
It's so easy to waste time on insta sheesh. Woke up super early, had an hour to kill before getting ready and boom! Hour is donezo. Crazy. Looks to be a sunny day so imma have to slather on the sunscreen. I'm always afraid of the sun. ☀️
~
It's already getting colder though. Which is nice. Socks time.
~
Oof. This one coach is such a waste ya. Chi. Only chatted and made us serve. 😩. I'm not even tired, remotely. Just feels icky cuz sun and sand lol. Ugh. Should go for a run. Really have to do more of these start stop drills ngl. Direction change running is so different than just going in a singular one.
Onwards and upwards!
Shit I just saw a clip of Naro's mum talking. I feel so so so bad. It's gutting to see. Mannn. She seems so gentle and sweet. This feels surreal all over again.
~
There's no amount of punishment that can right a wrong that's been done you know... Like... It's very hard to repair any damage. I understand that naro might have had his own demons, but that doesn't mean they weren't exacerbated by that unhinged lunatic. How do you lose your way to the point that man did, that you just stick to someone like a cancerous wart like that? Fucked up man. Just. Truly fucked up. Chutiya fucker.
~
I'm glad about the fact that despite seeing and being around shitty people at times, I've never lost sight of my core tenets and apart from telling people not to encroach on my peace of mind, I mostly try to choose kindness as a default state. I hope that doesn't change. Or gets put to a test lol. I don't want that in life. Just live peacefully, have fun, push yourself as much as you can and then chill with some good folks. Iss all.
Played two sets oof. Was so fun. Netted a bunch of things but who cares. I loooooved it. I can't wait to get better mannnn. Made two friends also ahha. Both of them at my level. Something about guys being at the same level just feels good lmao. It was super nice playing with them tbh. And that one mum who I kept on hitting on the sidelines lmaooooo. Idk whyyyyy hahaha. Fuck. I forgot all their names but next time!
All in all, this was great! I'll go tomo and day after too! Woohooo!!! And I have to stop not swinging fully lol. Sheesh.
🌸
I looooooove being on the court all sweaty and smelly hehe!!!! Yukkyyyyyy
~
Damn old Mrs. Gill passed away. Mum just told me. She was the one who made me my cute little snowman cake when I was a kid. Hmm.I guess she was super old. Rip. Thank you for the cutest cake I ever had. :)
Simi Garewal replied to the comment omg. Hahahaa that's soooo cute ya! Heh. It's adorable that she is 80 ish and still active on her own website. What was just meant to be a silly dare from my bro actually feels sorta nice now I think about it. Well, im glad such corners of the internet exist, it's good to see such innocent grace.
Keeping cuz one day Id like to be reminded of it. Hehe.
Lol... The silent treatment is on in full swing. Heh. Whatever man. I am tired of this type of emotional manipulation and drama. I shall not care anymore.
~
Taking a rest day from tennis, will go tomo. Maybe a short run today evening. Or you know... Abandoning everything in favour of staying home.
~
I came across some post about a rich dude with auto immune and it says people's likelihood of developing more diseases is higher. Damn. I never knew that. :(
~
Why tf is it that when I view someone elses' game I can very correctly calculate but not my own? 🙄What am I missing? Ability, skill most likely lol. Fuck it.
~
First brutal sess. Fuck the sun man. Holy moly. Was just feeling sooooo drained in the heat. Lol. The drills were fun though. And yet I could not hit anything properly. This coach just enjoys chatting more than anything lmao. Could totally tell he was wasting time. Complete bore. Hope I get someone else tomo!
Oh man need to stretch my legs are soooooo tight rn. 😭 Someone teach me!! 😔 I really should stay overtime and do them on the court itself. Dunno why I scooted early. Hmmm.. ok nvm.
Tomo is another day! Why isn't it here already?
~
Lol, caught a glimpse of this fellow and I suppose he was showing off for some women. As per usual heh. Tigers and stripes. Meh.
~
Just when the day was going well, mum had to call and fight lol. It's crazy to me how telling someone not to speak a certain way can generate such a big fit. Complete with oh you get angry with me lots to then not eating lunch and then giving the silent treatment. This is just wildly erratic behaviour. I hate that ngl.
One thing I've learnt now...like all these tantrums and nastiness is not something I want in anyone else ever. Can't choose parents but can damn well choose everyone else. Sadly, I understand why dad chooses to live as far away as possible whenever he can. This kinda volatility is not nice.
Hmm. Whatever. Onwards with the day I guess. Let's just do some more work so the next few days are freeish.
Up at 6 am by myself. 💪🏼 How very proud of me I am. Going to play a bit later on though. Just lying in bed trying to snooze a bit more lol. I wonder if that other lady will come today. It was nice meeting her. People with kids yo. Sheesh. I always forget people have so many kids now lol
~
Okay lets go play!
~
Yaay coach says after a while can start playing club level tourneys. That will be sooo fun. Gotta start footwork practice tbh. Feels good to do all this ngl. Look forward to tourneys in a few more months. Let's see what club players bring.
I'm still going Haaland Haaland hahaha oh man. What a guy though, tied for goals with Mbappe. Insane. Just for this Norway better win another match. Good to see them do well ngl. Football fever is just another level always!
~
Periods done, spoke to bro lots, generally chirpy and feeling happy. Finished a book in one sitting yesterday as well. Hope the week goes by happily and productively.
~
Time to get some work done. Looking at a good session.
~
Whew! A good day today. It feels so nice when everything gets done and you can relax in the evening. Feels satisfying.
Slept through the afternoon and now I'm hungry asf. Ravenous 😩
~
Great and now I'm losing at chess lol. Hmmm. Maybe it's time for my monthly bullet retirement. Hehe ok done. Post 2100 I shall.
~
I was thinking today... Like... We can only plan for the time we know we have or might have. I think if I have say 40 more years, give or take. I'd like to spend them doing stuff that's meaningful to me. And spend them as peacefully and lovingly as I can. Hope I can build to that.
~
And that haaaland haaaland song is stuck in my head lmao. I cannot help but tap along to it.
~
I'm trying out one of my old sweet valley twins books omgggg. This was such pure rot sheesh. Very lame. Was such a guilty pleasure growing up. This and that smutty book by.... Ugh I forget the name. First time I'd read romance and such. Damn what was the name of that author? It wasn't even a teen author. Sheesh. Hehe... The excitement of exploring something taboo was something else. Well, lmc. While I continue singing haaaland haaaland
Whew! You know a session was nice when it finally leaves you exhausted. I feel SO GOOD. That moment when you are completely warmed up, it just feels like you can go forever. Yumz. Want to up my fitness levels too, the start and stop running needs more agility. Wish to get there. Coach spend half the session making me redo form when it was wrong but man. That was really good. I'm glad he did that. The minor corrections made a huge difference.
~
I am exhausted in such a happy way rn. ♥️
~
Time to create a new schedule huh. Well, so be it.
~
Also more Rachmaninoff! It was lovely listening. My gripe with classical is that they don't have proper names lol. Sounds too pretentious to say his 5th etc. just give it nomenclature that isn't so obnoxious.
I finally got a fucking mat omg. After months of searching for the right kind. This makes me happy lol.
~
Lunch was nice. I'm kinda struck by the dichotomy of the two worlds within India. This girl he married is sweet and old fashioned. Cooks etc for him and doesn't mind. Because she is okay with gender roles. He earns , she keeps house and family. He is a nice guy so it's not as if that would be a bad thing for her. He will support her where needed. And she seems very family oriented so that works out for him. In general most of these guys are very into their families so they have stay overs all the time etc. all this only works when people and families are nice lol. My dad's mum was so horrible that for us this was impossible. She was the single reason that destroyed my mom's peace and in turn all of us said fuck you to them all and left. So now it's just harder to give a shit about her and that side of the fam atleast. I find the idea of regressive and overly overbearing families very oppressive. My other cousins wild balk at the idea of all this...
I myself find it interesting from a distance but always very hyper aware that I do not belong in this kinda society or mentality nor have any intention of existing within it. So I maintain a firm distance.
~
Hmmm. The irony is, I'm myself a very supportive kinda person so championing people I love comes very naturally to me. I guess like this lady, that trait of mine can only stay intact when the right kinda man is by my side. Cunty men will just destroy this center and I see no value in treading in those zones. Heh. A bitchy grandmother set into motion a lifetime of avoidance of family and a distrust of these bonds. Which I don't fear now, but it took me so long to unlearn stuff and learn to trust myself. But yeah, slow suffocation or subservience is not the kind of life to live. Only commit when it feels natural and the equation feels supportive... I'm glad these glimpses allow me to atleast form an idea of what that looks like. That's good. Sometimes a different environment gives you perspective.
~
Part of the reason I gravitated towards J also was cuz he was sooooo nice to me. Like. That closeness, how much he leaned on me, that meant a lot. Hmmm. I didn't want to marry him, not by a long shot. He never features in my thoughts about the past. Probably because I knew right from the start that he wasn't and will never be the person for me. I wouldn't even have gravitated towards him had he not been nice tbh. But that closeness felt incredibly sweet and gentle. I discovered that I love that kind of intimacy. It feels safe. Ironically, it wasn't. Haha. Man. Maybe that's why I never think of him, betray me and we are done every which way. I honestly just couldn't care less about him now.
I suppose closeness, sweetness towards me... is the one ingredient I do need to be very clear should be present from the start. I also need to feel proud of that person in some shape or form. Both things are important to me. And then all else we can figure. Well, we gotta get it right sometimes, amiright? Can't be that hard. Hehe.
~
I can end the day with Rachmaninoff, then sleep early, then tennis in the morning. Sleeping on time for it urgh. Lol. I'm still ashamed of this. Sheer flip off to my night 🦉 days.
~
I hope tomo is a great day!🤌🏼
Listening to Rachmaninoff early morning. Just feels so lovely. Lilacs is just so utterly delicate and pretty. I wish I could play it. How does one not fall in love with this man? Sheesh.
~
I feel like the quality of the soul that can think up these notes must be... Hmmm... Actually I don't know. Maybe musicians can be assholes too who knows. But the music itself is pristine.
~
I always think I'll take some time out to sit and listen to more composers but I never find the time. I really wish to change that. How very tragic I have to lunch with people I don't wish to meet, purely to keep up pretences. I'd rather be right here with this music rn.
A vid of Danya just popped up. I can't believe it's almost a year since he has passed. Post diwali last year... So... Oct 19th? Man. Even now it feels surreal. Bullying is the worst. Paranoia that accompanies it. Very sad dude.
~
Life just changes for people in an instant.
~
Oh wow Kramms also got sanctioned right around the memorial tourney. Can't still believe we are saying memorial shit yo.
~
......
~
His passing, and the subsequent realisation that some people out there may not have cared at all was a very jarring experience. Some would have simply faked it.
I think cruel and unfeeling people are best left by the wayside. There's no point in giving them any mind.
A mum losing her son, a brother losing their sibling... Like... Oh man. Heartbreaking to think of. I don't get how chess can warp the brains of grown men to the point that they lose all humanity. I feel like people should not let kids play sometimes.
Am I becoming an early bird? Zomg. Woke up by myself at 5 am wuuuutttt 💪🏼.
Went back to sleep for an hour but still. A WIN IS A WIN.
~
I'm now becoming one of those people that have to sleep early for a workout the next day lmao. Is this a win? 😂
~
Fuck tennis was so good today. Oh man..it feels so free and nice to just run up to take a shot and it goes in the exact spot. Like scratching a bothersome itch. Oof. I loved it today. Maaaan.
~
Have to go to cousins house for lunch again tomo nooooooooooooo. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A good tennis session... So it was the flu aftermath that had done me in. Good to know. Stamina didn't just suddenly die lmao. And now I wanna like... Hehe... I wanna beat everyone at the courts lol. Why am I like this?
And sleeping at the right time at night like a good little girl was so helpful. I feel great.
What all garbage you gotta keep track of as an adult man. Fuck. At 20 I could sleep 3 hours and play 5 and be completely fine the next day. #nostalgia.
~
oh well. Glad now I'm chirpy again. Basically I'm like a dog, if I don't go out and run about I start wanting to bite everyone.
I see, I see.
~
This ailment hath no cure, I shall have to learn to be.
Good morning world! Looking at you bright and early is surreal.
~
I have newfound respect for M for pushing himself as much as he does. Lol. Everything requires a warm up now. 😔
~
It's already july 1 wuuut. Oh my god the time is flying by!
~
I am beyond bored these days. Just mindless drudgery...need some change.
In bed so very early today. Hehe. Hope I sleep like a lazy baby. 🦥
Yet another herculean task awaits tomo. Waking up at 6 am. Fucking kryptonite.
~
What's with swiatek these days? Just loses so randomly. Wimby is sometimes very surprising. Watching sinners bleeding foot was weird enough, the number of UCs he did was just 😨🤯 I feel like in the absence of Alcu he also isn't doing well haha. Yin yang, balancing act.
~
Where did all joke books go? We used to have all these old joke collections filled with tiny chutkulas lol. Where did the entirety of that disappear off too? Would have been nice to read rn.
~
Playing in the sun was so draining. Idk how the elites do it. It's just so frustrating to not immediately reach back to the level I used to be at. I hate it. I hate the slowness, the reaction time lapses, everything. Just annoys me and I can't brute force my way to prev level lol. Well, nvm. If it takes an extra month or so big deal. I'll get it done the right way. Stupid high balls though god. So damn annoying.
By August I expect to be able to be back to my intermediate level. I better be. 🙄😤
Nothing like getting drenched in the rain while out on a half walk half run lol. It's been a crazy week of not doing a thing so going out feels sooooo good.
Half the enthusiasm of youth goes away in the drudgery of paying bills lol. Need to hold on to it for as long as possible.
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Oh hey periods are back tooo! WOOHOO 😩 guys are so lucky yo. Seriously. Then again, I do not ever want night ejaculations 💀. We must pick our battles lol. Hehe eww man. Why are guys like this? 😂 All sickos yukky
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Ooo I can see wimby today. Will sinner perish with the heat? Who knows?
_-_Alegory_of_Satan_(Lord_of_the_World)_-_MNK_II-b-3252_-_National_Museum_Krak%C3%B3w.jpg)
It's so damn hot wtf. Actually carrying around handkerchiefs these days.
Such a quaint habit that's lost to time now. Heh. Like snotty nosed kids with a kerchief attached to their uniforms. To sniffle into and to wipe sweat from lol. Dual purpose. How does one person generate so much fluid. Some questions are best left unasked.
Parts of the world don't even have school uniforms, that's nuts to me tbh.
Omg June 28th already. We are halfway through the year wut even.
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Atleast I can go for a nice jog today. Whew. Evening time. Can't imagine sitting inside forever.
July 23, 2020. That's when I started playing chess. Damn dude. Ever so long!! I never thought I'd stick to it back then and now I don't think I'll ever quit hehe. How sweet.
You can never know what becomes a big part of your life and when. I like that thought.
Hehe.
I don't think I started playing seriously till 2023 though. I remember that lecture on KiD by M which first got my attention. Till then I was just bumming about. And then that dude from his stream... Imbo or something... Told me not to see his lectures cuz they are not beginner friendly and not worth following. That irritated me ngl. Dammit. So basically me wanting to actually play is a byproduct of knowing this fellow man. Shit. What a bun. Haha. Well, the less he knows. To be fair, I didn't even know him till someone spammed me his yt and told me good chess. All I saw was an annoyingly noisy person, thought my friend was crazy for liking him. 😂 Oh man. Well, he is crazy so I wasn't wrong 😤💪🏼. I just don't hate him as much as I should lol. Well, maybe someday, one lives in hope. 😅♥️
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I want to be 2400 tbh. I won't feel happy then also but still.
My friend sent me a reel of some bollywood actor on how he thinks life has no meaning and then went " see see! I also feel this. ". I was stumped.
Like. 💀😂 The contrast of something as heavy as meaning of life, the most fundamental of questions and a total ditzy dude like saifu saying he gets it and it's meaningless. Oof.
Blessed be people. Truly. Life is a remarkable experience
I am fully bored with no going out. Last day of being in the house though. Finally sheesh. Being responsible about not spreading germs lol. Weekend tennis mornings. 💪🏼 Will hobble about and come back if I must.
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Sheep detectives is so cutesy. I'm not able to digest something this cutesy. Wolverine rearing sheep 🐑. Cousin Greg being cousin Greg. And winter lambs. How very adorable. We need crossovers in these kinda films ngl.
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I want fresh air.
Getting my mixer fixed is such a mundane task I had completely forgotten what going to a repair shop feels like. How fun man. Part of the fun in electrical engineering was actually circuit design and devices. It's nice when stuff works and gears go around smooth. Pottering about all this now seems like a good retirement plan tbh.
Talked to coach today, turns out he fell sick too lmao. Someone at the academy giving away germs.
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A weird thing struck me. Like. People just reacted strangely to my racquet and I realised cuz it's a bit expensive. Man. I just. Idk. I feel really weird when something like that happens. Wish I'd just bought some regular decathlon brand for the academy and kept this for private use tbh. Hmmm. Well. I never realise these things until it's a bit too late tbh. Sucks.
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Tomo I gotta make a herculean effort to wake the fuck up early and hope my body doesn't give up. I wonder if flu relapses happen. Lol, periods are also due next week. If they come about with the flu then I'm idk... Taking monkhood for women whatever the fuck that is. Like just. I'll give up the world only. Tyaag dungi sab bc. Dhaarna leke. Idk the English terms for these lol. 🪧 Picketing doesn't do justice to the emotion behind the sentiment. Contrast between eastern philosophy and western, they are so very different. I think part of why I struggled with master and Margherita too was the lack of understanding of colloquial nuances, so had to research them. Oh well
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Why am I shivering? 😡
Such a sweet feeling to be tucked in by 9.45 lol. I like when legs are warm and toasty. I was thinking about the last WC. So much frenzy about it. There's always this feeling of excitement in the air for it. Esp that time it was in Brazil omg. Heh. All my guy friends flew down to rio lol. 2014 that was. Hahah SH and the crew, all chilling there. Funnily enough all my most selfish, impulsive, sorta kinda idealistic guy friends used to like Arsenal. Don't recall what all teams they supposed but all were die hard EPL fans.
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Just saw the news that Alan Greenspan passed away. At 100. Wow. That's a looooong life. And then it said his wife of 29 years and at first I was like damn long marriage and then the math hit me. Well, kudos to him. May he rest in peace.
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Oh man... I'm also remembering fondly of telling this guy about Messi lol. Seeing his goals while chatting omfg. Man, what an epic final that was, truly. Messi deserved that trophy so hard. Can't believe there's a whole world out there where football isn't famous. His dribbling oooof. Ankara Messi indeed. What a clip that was. I wonder who wins this time around. I haven't kept up with football at all this few years. I used to like Germany back in the Schweinsteiger and Kahn days. Even Klose and Muller. Never liked Portugal cuz god I can't stand ronaldo. Though he single handedly tries to carry the whole team if needed. Hmmm. Oh yeah netherlands! Their total football approach ahha. That was epic. Pure heart. Hmmmm. Dammit now even I wanna follow this year. Lmc.
Even today I feel like 4 years ago I was fairly innocent. It used to take me by surprise how guarded this guy was, like I couldn't really fathom a need for it. I suppose that's a good thing in a way, I've had the privilege of a good life where things have been more or less streamlined. Maybe that's why I'm not exactly the most guarded person once I like someone. But only then. Mary Mary, quite contrary.
Very brash, but very 😇. Hehe. I know in my heart how much I love and care, so like... I guess that's what gives me the strength to simply be upfront. One life, I'm not gonna waste it being slimy like the iagos of the world. Meh.
To love is to give freely, but if you squander it, next time it won't be. I think this is one of the fundamental principles of life.
I guess it takes all sorts to fill up the world. Different shades for different folks. You do you, I'll do me. It's always been my philosophy. 🤷🏼♀️
I hope 4 years from now, and every four years thence, I just look back at myself and see an innocent being there. That thought makes me smile. Maybe someday if I have kids, I can share this domain with them, just so they know who I used to be. I'd love that. Future babies. Hehe, what a quaint but scary thought. It means I fell in love, for real. And the person I love...loves me, for real. And things went well from then on, which is why younglings came into being. And that's so precious to me. Well. If our time is cut short, then maybe you'll have this to remember me by. That's a sad thought. I don't know why I've had that thought a few times before as well. Idle meanderings. Might be fun for them to read about me bitching about their father and what not lmao. I'm fairly certain I'll only fall for someone who irritates me here and there hahahha. Some childish, romanticy fellow for sure. And he has to be witty. Like that's non negotiable.
But I honestly hope and pray we all have a looooooong, loving, boring ass life. And go at 100 like Greenspan. And affffter I die at 100, kids and grandkids can read about innocent ol granny. Such a sweetheart she is. And they can hate on the villians in my life also for me. How dare they trouble grandma, amiright?💪🏼🤺
Lol. My kids can read about my bad choices too, huh? And my staunch refusal to give up on people. Hahahha oops.
Hopefully kids can read by that generation. Who knows?
To beautiful things and building a better future. And to making wiser choices that eventually get us there.
Centurions!
This flu set in right before weekend and lasted till Monday and has now left me drained of energy but with a lot of work to do lmao. Interesting. Conniving.
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Falling asleep to random magnus games during was actually quite soothing. His way of speaking is very conducive to resting. I never realised that before. But he lacks the hyperactivity that defines a lot of others which makes them annoying. Well, good. Can't say I learnt anything but it was really lovely to spend time passively watching and listening to games being played.
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Today has been an exceptionally quiet day. Little to no activity, light work and mostly just waiting for evening to come about so I can sleep. It's nice at times to be quiet. Feels sort of peaceful. Looks quite gloomy outside as well, might rain tonight. I hope I'm in good enough shape to go play tomo lol.
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Finally feeling a bit better. Hope that feeling lasts lol. Hopefully I can go play tomo. Or who knows. Perish on the court entirely. Been thinking perish too much lately lol. Oh well.
And so it goes.
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All these pretty earrings pop up on my feed lately. It's been years since I bought any. I used to looooved silver pieces so much earlier. Heh. My boho styles lol. I'm just sadly not that person anymore. Still, so pretty indeed.
Omg it's been 4 years! Since I discovered chess and got to know M. I effin watched the last WC while chatting with him. Damn, that's crazy. Time flies. Maaan. I remember him telling me he is 39 back then like it was something to be ashamed of. Silly person.
Fuck 4 years ago dude. That's craaaazy. Oh well.
It's father's day. Wished papa. He is such a simple man, just works hard and does what he can for his family. Not everyone has the privilege of having a father that models right behaviour. I somehow felt it today, like this day and casual mentions of it might be stressful to folks who don't have the best fathers. I'm sorry for that.
Glums and gloomy feeling it be, to realise that.
Can I wake up early to go play? Should I even put the alarm on? Or would I be sick again? What does the future hold? 🥺
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Yep. More sickness omg. I feel terrible and also sad now lol. Sheesh
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Morning now, barely slept well, rainy outside, wheezing and just glad tennis is cancelled for the day. This wheezing is now wut even. So hard to breathe properly. Am I dying? 😩😭
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Oh man. Sometimes I just feel like there should be a way to simply sleep through all these ailments. All because I decided to start waking up early, just body is like nope, fuck you. 💀
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Heh. I've been whiny asf for the last two days but idc I want some tlc.
Might as well try for 2100 rapid today since I'm doing nothing else 😩. Nvm, no energy to think either. Cough syrup it is.
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Oh hey it's father's day. Let me wish dad. 💪🏼
