Muck muck muck... Daily life of grime and bad intentions and muck muck muck.
Such yuck.
Music shall wash it all away.
Shine.
Like this:
Thursday, February 29, 2024
Last FM
I was just checking mine and noticed a person I follow scrobbling at the same time. So strange and oddly soothing to know that somewhere far away someone else is doing the exact same thing I am. Feels a bit nice.
Canon
Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit this fucking song zomg why did I find you and why do I love you so damn much fuck me.
Canon in D - George Davidson
Also omg what a version aaaaa it makes me misty eyed and I feel like a small helpless girl who wants to be hugged. All my edges are gone and I'm a total softie and now I gotta hide this side of me from everyone and I also strangely want to cry a lil bit now.
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I'M SUCH AN EMO FOOL AAAAAAAA
Cheaters
My mum met L's mum and discussing why we don't talk anymore ugh. Both are so curious about it lmao. How tf can I tell you guys that L is a hoe who keeps cheating and tried to hook up with people I loved? You know what sucks? People who do shit like this and yet I've to be the one to hold my tongue cuz spilling it would mean destroying lives and I can't bring myself to do it. So I gotta grin and bear it. For no fucking fault of my own. You were my fucking best friend L. Fuck you.
Pathetic.
Djokovic
Checking some clips of his interview, and what he said about not staying in a negative mindset is something that is so valueable. Lately, whenever negative thoughts and fears have cropped up, I've been trying to address them and then let them go. It's great to hear someone as prolific as him admit to having them and not peddling the usual bs of being stronger mentally than others etc.
Dammit Djoko. Sometimes I don't dislike you lol
Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Icky
Fears are funny, aren't they? I huffed and puffed at M a lil bit. He just... Idk sometimes he just takes things in such a wrong way. Like an interpretation that isn't even in my mind when I'm asking. And it bothers me a little bit because it's exactly how my mom also acts and ugh I just find it so so so hard and stifling when someone has a tendency to completely misunderstand my point and immediately start to strike. Like why is it their go to move?
I've spent half my life just trying to battle this random inherited fears I've gotten from my mom. Fears that make me feel so helpless. Every shitty fear I have - not being loved, being trapped in a marriage with a person who doesn't love you or refuses to love you the way you feel secure, not being sure if the person you choose has your back... Allllll of this shit. It comes from her.
And some days with M... It's like... So much of his behaviour just... Idk dude. Like I'm not scared of him or anything but I feel like... I feel like he lacks consideration towards me to be honest. Like okay... He never asks about me or says anything sweet to me... I let it go. But when on top of never showing me care in his words, when he then takes offence at something random I just end up thinking what the fuck yo. Like even his random decision to not say hi. It... Idk man... It pushed my mind into this horrible place okay. And I want to be honest to myself what it was. The idea that he can be friends with all these folks - people who tell women streamers they can see their nipples, and they want to put a dog collar over them... People who run literal prostitution rings of sorts while being educators, people who tell 62 to women I want to see you kneeling in a room of 50 men. A statement that honest to god is the worst that I've ever heard in my life. Like... The idea that he can be on talking terms with all these people, group chats with their random buddies who he has never known or met and yet... Ugh... Idk. Like what awful thing does he think about me that he can make those choices but refrains from saying hi to me? Is it my colour? My nationality? My gender? A mix of all three? Idk man... I really don't want to think that he has elements of prejudice of this nature but I mean. I don't get what else it could be. And this thought just makes me sick honest to god. Like the very idea is so unbelievably repulsive. And it's so gutting to even realise that it could be this. I think I keep flaring up at him too because I hate that mistrust and it makes me in turn be suspicious of him and ugh. I hate all of it.
I should not be in a position where I need to even wonder this stuff about someone. Lol.
I always thought a day could arrive in my life that someone could look down on my race or make me feel like they do or something. I just never in a million years thought it would be him who would make me wonder this. It's the first time in my life that I've had to and idk everything inside me is just shrivelling up and feeling icky. And he didn't even care when I brought it up to him, even though I didn't specify why I felt so gross. He just dug in and said feel better etc and it was all so cold.
I don't know what to make of any of this. Even if it's not any of this, it was still not right of him to behave the way he did and definitely very unfeeling to be so inconsiderate and for what? For something so small and tiny like.
At the end of the day... The only question left to ask myself is -
Do I need to settle for being treated like this? Do I want to? Do I want to constantly be made to feel like I'm insignificant?
No. I don't.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuckz I hope I'm wrong about all this and it's something else that I haven't thought of that's not this fucking awful man. Ugh. But I still should never ever be in a position where I have to wonder if the person I've spent two years talking to thinks I'm sketch yuck yuck yuck. Also, he can't be that sketch either come onnnn P. Don't think this about him. Don't distrust him to this extent or think he is capable of this shit, it might be some other things that you don't know of, just this once give it the benefit of doubt. You always chose to trust him, just don't give up on that now and for this of all things.
Ugh... I need this thought to get out of my head.
Sometimes I even wonder if he is terrified of opening up to me because the idea that I may actually be a good person who won't fuck him over that's hard to come to terms with. Lol. It's like he just expects to be fucked over somehow god knows why. Well, I can't do anything about this. Lol. For all I know he must just be doing his holiday inn rounds and here I am thinking he changed. Haha, yeah who knows? Maybe I'm just a complete idiot.
Fuck dude. Why do you make things so weird and hard? Life should be simple and lived simply not spent wondering about peoples' I'll intentions all the fucking time.
Tuesday, February 27, 2024
Dandelion
Emotions can be so topsy turvy sometimes in that they can be changeable. I definitely do not have a solid state if something is wrong in life which isn't correcting itself. But most often I'm learning to just feel the lows in the moment and then let them go. I typed out something a while ago, felt it, read it and deleted it. And then realised that it's okay to just let go once the delete button is pressed. Interesting. I'm learning lol.
Satie
God I hate your music, I really do zomg. So depressing it legit just kills my soul. Everytime, EVERY single time I hear it, it reminds me of the worst fucking things and my mind just straight up conjures up the most painful things to torture me with.
So I guess you must be a genius to be able to bring that forth. But damn I hate you lol.
Monday, February 26, 2024
Vivaldi
Starting my day with Vivaldi and omg I feel like I can take over the world. What a brilliant track. Ugh.
Keep it under...?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fuck. I love my friends. Collectively deciding I'm the problem and giving me solutions hahahahhaha. Dammit.
Fear? Maybe not
For me... the scary thing about love isn't that the person I love can hurt me. They can, and they have before.
What's scary is how much I can love them despite the fact that they hurt me. When I love you, I consider you a part of me and you have access to all my heart and my soul.
Mother fucker.
What I fear is myself lol. All this while, it was me and my assumption that I will be helpless in the face of it all. I am wrong. I am neither helpless nor in the habit of settling for shit and I will do right by myself.
Recos
Recommended Agam to Thibault and he played it instantly. Lol. Some little things like that just make me smile. It's nice when people treat you well.
Lately, I've been noticing more and more how nice it feels when someone takes an active interest in knowing you. I used to never give someone that chance before, was the first one to share stuff without prompting and generally my interest in people used to make them comfortable with me and I'd never noticed how they actually behaved. But even these kinda tiny gestures have started registering. I'm glad. It sucks that you reach a stage in life where you have to make note of these tiny things, but it's important to have a sense of genuineness.
It's been a very, very long time since I've felt like someone was genuine and sweet to me. Man.
I miss that.
Actually I do remember when the last time was when someone was good to me. Lol. That one conversation many months ago. That was it. Dayum.
And I recall it vividly because it made me realise the stark difference between when someone is actually nice to you v when they are all about themselves.
The former is what you should have in life.
Sunday, February 25, 2024
Salzburg
Listening to Salzburg
I love love love beats mixing with piano mixing with the sax and lift lift lift. Mood, happyness, grey, white, blue. All of the hues, bring me close to you.
I never have anything profound to say or think or imagine myself as anyone other than who I am. But every once in a while, when the beat it just right... I feel like there's magic in my soul. And it makes me feel alive, shy, coy and in love.
Play me the right track, and I will do anything you want. Promise.
Italiano
I want to go to Italy. Seeing some places there and it feels like it might just be amazing to do a nice solo trip there. I've never done a solo trip before and something about the idea is very thrilling to me.
Hmmm. Okay let's make it happen sometime this year
Saturday, February 24, 2024
Thoughts
Drinking and chessing is not a good idea lol. Tried to play and tanked rating like mad. So bad. Wanted to make some alt account and random followed some person too. Didn't even realise till morning like wtf. Stupid app, doesn't even tell you or ask before it lets you follow. Too crazy. Can't help but laugh though, such stupidity.
Man, last night's conversation is kinda on my mind now. Just an epic bitching sess it became. I think I have to steer clear of this kinda mindset, it's so easy to get stuck in the rut of the past bs but at the end of it I moved on long back so looking back and remembering the shitty things are not something I should do now. Deffo need to maintain the peace mindset and guard it just the same.
Heard seji's mom passed away, felt awful to hear that. Even now just feel gutted. Fuck dude. Life is short. I'm so so so sorry. Think I'll text A and tell her to pass on condolences. Ugh. I feel bad.
Plus I don't feel good in the morning after drinking. I had some after soooo long but it just feels gross. I think I gotta just quit it or atleast limit to a drink whenever I do have it. It's just not worth the hassle anymore.
Ambition
I sometimes genuinely wonder on the nature of things and what I truly want. In some weird way, I've always only wanted to be around people I see as hyper competent. And talking to my friend tonight kind of reinforced that thought in me, because I simply can't look at someone not ambitious as appealing.
And I don't think I'll ever settle for someone who isn't. :x
Damn.
Rat race
Holy crap talking to my friend and discussing house prices and how many mills who spent on what. Haha, I'd forgotten how competitive and weird some circles can be lmaoooo. What a rat race the world can be.
This is a part of adulthood I just hate. Discussing guys and relationships and maaaaan people are sooooo fucked up. This is just crazy. No wonder I cut so many people out. GOOD FUCKING DECISION.
So many women are also so crazy fuck...why do they feel so competitive and feel the need to dress up more when another girl is around? So many insecure people out there man. I noticed that this one girl was just getting jealous because some dude was speaking to me like what the fuck. Kept trying to show territory like I'm remotely interested 😭😭😭😭. Vvvv lame.
Plus sometimes I think guys can be veryyyyy immune to these tricks women get up to. They never notice. Whyyyyy. Idiots.
But I've learnt this huge truth about life - people will interfere and fuck up your life if you let them so better steer clear of the nutters. No negotiations.
Humanity sucks.
Also I'm so drunk muhahahhaha.
Friday, February 23, 2024
Valuations
Reading about Byju's toppling and I can't help but think about how tf were people so wrong that they valued a company at over 22 bill. Like what's going on? What's the underlying garbage that I'm not seeing here? Because not only was the number obscene, it was so obscene that I simply don't get it. 💀
Thursday, February 22, 2024
Children of blood and bone
Finally decided to start a new book. Excited. Will start tonight wooohooo.
Edit: okay this is nowhere close to Potter. Funny that every second author wants to be that. I feel like the worst thing you can do is think of a pre existing popular book and try to build your way around that. It's nowhere close to the right way cuz it'll just be a copy at the end of it. But yeah, possibly not the easiest thing in the world to create it from scratch either.
There's deffo a dearth of books though, like quality ones are simply so few. Finding this out now cuz not a single fiction author has made me want to read them at breakneck speed like I used to when I was a kid. Man, I really miss that excitement and the smell of a nice new book. Hehe. The only possessions I've valued and kept over the years are my books. I love them so much. Even if I don't read as much now, it's the one thing that's made me absolutely fantastically fall in love. Music is a close second. Wow, dare I place music below books? I dare.
Changeling
Seeing some of my pics and damn... I actually have changed into a whole diff person I feel. There's actual softness that shows in me hehe. My mental image of me is so different. I love the girl I used to be, but I also love the woman I'm becoming. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm definitely becoming someone who likes being the one someone comes home to, someone shares their day's happenings with, someone that underneath all the fun and games is solid and like a rock. It feels nice to be able to blend both parts of me now. Wasn't the easiest earlier. Dammit. I think I finally love myself too. Thinking of myself actually makes me smile lmaoooo. This year will probably add more to it too, and in these moments I just feel happy and excited to see what that will be. This is so fun.
Wednesday, February 21, 2024
Main Characters
I was thinking about lead characters and permanent characters and how in life also you have them. I've always looked up to the ones in mine, it gives me a lot of joy to know how amazing the people I choose are, and tbh I guess a part of choosing people is very fundamentally intertwined with me respecting and looking at them as amazing. And I think that's how it should be too. You gotta know in your heart that people who have a part of you are absolutely fantastic :). I love that, and I can't wait for a day when the leadest of lead characters joins my life. Maybe today I don't know anyone who is worthy of that spot but when I do... *Swoon* it'll be so great!
Pics
Sometimes I just wake up to random pics of me lol. I wonder who took this. 28th Nov. Lol. This date just keeps featuring in my life.
Now that I rarely wear make up, I kinda like it. Someone told me I seem like a sweet person lol. Istg I was so shocked to hear that, but maybe I've gotten calmer so people think of me as sweet more now.
Conversations
After a long long time, I had an actual interesting conversation with someone. Man, I'd almost forgotten what it's like to speak to someone intelligent and well read who has great point of view. I'm really lucky tbh, I always meet some very sharp, driven people. And it's always such a pleasure to exchange thoughts and ideas with them... Something about being good with words just really makes me come alive. Love the banter. And it's amazing how time just flies when the talk is interesting lol. Hehe. I'm glad.
Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Innocence, Love
Sometimes when I feel anxious or fearful and my tempestuousness catches hold, I try to view things from the lens of a child. I find it very hard to honor myself or be self preserving in a high maintenance way, but then I envision a kid seeing me treated in a not so nice way. I imagine the child looking at me while some guy is mean to me, hurts my feelings, is uncaring if I say I'm hurt and is relentless in his stubbornness and self centeredness. And I think to myself... Would I want a kid to think this is normal? Or would I want the kid to see a man respect me, love me, make me laugh, make me happy and see that as normal and feel free and easy and take that as a norm?
And suddenly everything just rights itself and tells me that the only treatment that's worth it in life is one that makes you strong, secure and feel at ease. The kind of ease where you feel strong because you are cared for and can take that for granted. The kind of ease I'm happy I feel with most of my close ones now.
And that's what it means to be an adult to me. To be responsible for someone else, to give honor and hold yourself to good standards. You don't have to be perfect, noone is and noone expects that. But having a spine, that's the difference between childishness and maturity. And that is a journey noone can make you understand or undertake. But the day you decide to, you grow up and actually flourish into someone worth loving. Atleast I believe that.
And thus the storm calms itself and dissipates unto nothing.
Monday, February 19, 2024
The world is so full of shit at times that I always had this huge amount of skepticism regarding it and a lot of my energy went into preserving myself and rejecting almost everything instinctively. And yet, as luck would have it ... There's actually someone I don't seem to quit on and that's also v instinctive. I'm not sure why it is the way it is, or why I actually do give a shit. But something about his angsty, childlike soul has me in this vice like grip that brings me joy even after bringing me a lot of pain. The lens it got me has made me change for the better and also in some way start to be more optimistic about the future. It makes me want to work hard, better myself, do the things I had put of simply because it feels like it's worth it now. I like that. And I'm grateful for his presence and I'm fucking grateful for my relentless spirit that simply refuses to quit on myself and people I care about. It's scary, NGL. But I feel it's worth it too. And that's the one ray of sunshine that kinda drives me to be disciplined, to envision a better tomorrow, whatever that may mean. I started working on my pet project, a plunge I never thought I would take. And it's so scary to do it. But at the same time, something in my mind is aligned the right way and I legit want to give it my best. No focus on outcomes, just a desire to do my best. This is v new for me cuz for once I'm doing something just happily without fearing failure or driving myself nuts with the desire to control the outcome. Was seeing a bit of Dune today and something in my mind just went... Ummm... You can totally write something atleast of this calibre. And I'm excited to find out what shape it takes and what I come up with. Ugh. I'm happy.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Pride
It's funny how I can't bring myself to hate the guy lol. Talking normally now. He also seems chill lol. So weird dude. Our equation is just strange in that neither of us quits on the other, and yet there is no proper transparency still between us. It disturbs me but I've stopped thinking about it. I guess it bothers me cuz I've seen what most people in his circle seem to think about women, like they are all scammy or want something or the other from guys. It's a v weird perspective, one that I hadn't encountered before. Maybe that's what coming from diff worlds means. My circle is all engineers and all women work and make money of their own so noone has ever been subjected to that kinda thinking. I'm so glad tbh. Made me realise how fucked it is and how badly the world can look at you just cuz you are a girl. And that's what the crux of the issue is for me cuz at the back of my mind I'm not certain he thinks well of me or not. I always took him on good faith, and there's never been a time I've asked him for anything or anyone else for that matter. So it never occured to me that there can be skepticism regarding me in his mind and the very thought is so abhorrent to me. It's the first time in my life someone has made me feel that and it's so fucking gross. Anyway, he should not have spoken to me ever if he thought even once that I wasn't trustworthy. I wouldn't have. I made the choice that night long ago after reading that trash about him that I believe in him being decent and I've always treated him well and without any bias. I deserve the same in the end. See that's the thing. Feelings being hurt I can and will always forgive. But my pride and self respect isn't something you can come after, that's simply a no no. And he needs to figure that on his own, I don't want to influence that in any way cuz these are decisions that only come from within. I'll give in to every demand and whim if I care about you, but I cannot part with my integrity for even you, that's just non negotiable. And a good man would never ask me to. So okay. It is what it is for now.
What can I say? Que sera sera:)
Saturday, February 17, 2024
Thursday, February 15, 2024
I'm also tired of seriousness and heaviness, I want to be happy, have fun, work hard and generally look forward to things. Just been feeling so bummed out these days. Like on some days I just feel a sense of sadness by evening.
Just want the sun to shine again. Probably have to take steps to ensure that life feels more streamlined. I can't control anything else or anyone else. And I don't want to be weak or make decisions out of a sense of fear. And I won't. But until it feels better I have to manage this unsettled feeling inside of me.
So much of my life I spent under the fear of loss. I'm just tired of it now. And I don't want to be afraid. I'm also tired of feeling like I have to always be doing the right thing or earn some value. The conversation I had with M gutted me. Literally. To think that my life came to a point where I had to ask for something so simple and be denied it for no reason just made me feel so, so, so bad. Is it fair to me? No. Fuck no. He should have not only been happy but also excited and glad he has someone like me by his side. That's god's honest truth. Instead I get treated like I have no value. Yet again, someone I've been good to, done right by... Just shows me no value. Every person I've been good to. Eventually leaves me at this point. And there's not a single thing I did to them that can be construed as wrong. And a whole lot of other manipulative, mean folks ... They get to do as they like. Lol. I hate it. I truly do. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just can't be. You don't want me? Ok. Go. I don't want anything from you, or anyone else. I never did earlier either, except just some niceness. Fuck it. If the goal is to always show me that my littlest expectations are to be denied me, then I shall simply not have any from you. And it'll be fine. This isn't an existential crisis you or anyone else needs to solve for me, I'll do it by myself.
I search for a sweet, simple life. To have someone decent by my side, to be happy, to make them happy. That's all. Nothing complicated, nothing insane. Just decency, love and stability. Step by step I'll build back to how I want things to be. Atleast I've started and that's always the hardest step for me. Rest should happen in due time. Until then, I guess I just have to be busy.
Relief
I was wondering about why people sabotage equations. I feel like some people have just met or rather entertained such awful people in their life that they simply don't allow for good people to enter. And when they sense someone is good, they want to test them and not make them relevant to a point where the good person will be like ok enough I'm outta here. And then person 1 just feels bad but it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. It sucks, but I think even I was in those kinda loops a lot of the times. I'd be friends with people that were harmful or people I was afraid of in some sense because it was familiar. Speaking about my feelings was a no no cuz I thought they wouldn't be honoured. And toxic folks do that, they make you feel small and don't want you to have any sense of self cuz that doesn't suit their needs. But I guess a point comes in life where you have to be honest with yourself about what you want. And be strong about knowing that you want and deserve that. It's v hard to convince yourself of the deserve part because your prior experience has always been the one where noone made you feel like you do. That's a shithole man. But gotta dig yourself out. And you don't have to be an achiever to deserve it. I used to base my self worth on accomplishments too but I realise it's wrong. I have worth inherent in me because I'm nice, I'm caring and I'm loyal. But more than that, I'm v accepting and non judgemental and that's always a plus. Slowly as I have reached a point where I've realised it, I've also healed and I'm aware of what I should get. The one thing I like about myself a lot is my belief in other people and knowledge that they too can change and become better. Maybe that's why I don't leave anyone behind, as long as I'm sure they are trying I'll be right there to also help them along. There needs to be a balance in that approach ofc. My needs also should be met and they have to give me that. It's the one thing that's slowly coming around too though. I'm more or less at ease with everyone in my life and I've found my voice and I don't shy away from saying what needs to be said.
I guess that's why faith and belief is important. To know for sure that you are deserving is a huuuuge fucking battle to overcome when you have no start point. But slowly as you grapple with these thoughts, the way forward does become clear. Even in the dark moments, you have a find a way to continue, or rest if you must but not quit. Things do work themselves out well.
I don't know what the future holds but for the first time I'm also not scared of it. I know there's no point in being fearful. I fully believe in the fact that what's meant to stay will find its way because that's the beauty of the universe. It puts you in spots but it also brings you to some treasured interactions and people and some of those people become family. It's a nice thought.
And all said and done, one has to learn to honor and value the people that are good to us and not just take it for granted. That's the thought which was grim in my mind all of Jan... That if I had died I'd have died never even having had the validation of a simple hello. As dramatic as it is, it's true. If something had happened to me, I'd have perished not feeling like I matter. And there are certain finalities one cannot come back from no matter how much we try, so doing the right thing in the moment is important even if it seems trivial.
I will not let my life come down to this point again. I refuse to be the victim of peoples' past trauma and baggage like it doesn't make sense to me to be hurt for shit I didn't do. Oddly enough I'm confident now that it wouldn't. Something inside me just unknotted and released and I understood in that moment that I'll have all I want and it'll come to me on its own. And I will only give my heart and my loyalty to someone who earns it the right way. Non negotiable.
That thought makes me smile and genuinely look forward to life and all the adventures that will come my way. :)
Wednesday, February 14, 2024
Exhale
Okay let's try to be happy and light hearted. Nothing in life is too bad that some sleep and positivity won't fix it.
Good things that are meant to stay will find a way. Freedom, happiness, and nurturing is the only way to grow any equation and it needs to be two ways and willingly bestowed not asked for. So I humbly accept that and I shall not push for anything ever, but I'll wait for what's meant to be for me to come to me on its own. I deserve that, I've had a lot of strife but I'm not going to let that bring me to my knees or clutch at something. And a big warm hug because you also deserve a lot of love and care, I'll never be stingy about that when it comes to you. :)
And however I am feeling, just gotta push myself to stick to my schedule and get the things that need my attention done. One step at a time. The good part of immersing in stuff is that it doesn't leave you with enough time to ponder anything, which is the need of the hour for now.
Whatever. Let's be happyyyyy
Wow... Okay. Lol. I legit have nothing to say to this. I don't get it, but it's just hmmm. Idk. Guess it is what it is.
Lol. Funnily enough I'm neither mad nor angry. I'm just fine and I'm glad we spoke. I hated not speaking to him, just hated it.
Weirdly enough it wasn't a dishonest conversation. It baffles me why saying hi is such a big deal to him. I know he isn't trying to be mean, he is just idk... Being himself I guess. And I was never looking to force an equation that doesn't exist. I just legit felt we were good friends. And we are. Which is why it's so surreal and strange. I mean, I get if we hadn't known each other at all, but we have for over a year and a half now. That's a long time. And not being on the show shouldn't change that. I actually prefer to be friends outside of it anyway, I don't like having so many people around who might want to second guess xyz things. It's v intrusive and strange to me. My friendships are all one on one. And the show isn't something I can be on forever, it's his work and I don't want to interfere there. So idk. I guess going forward if there is still a friendship that remains then we might have to figure a way around it if he also wants that. But it's up to him. I'm tired of feeling like I have to do the work. When he says "I'll do what I want", he should realise that not doing that thing can make me feel insignificant. If roles were reversed, would he have liked it if I said that to him? He would have haaated me and how. Lol. I am very fond of him and I'd like him to be an actual, active part of my life...but I don't want to mix the show thing and friendship. It doesn't work for me. I've always been the type to have an equation that's straightforward and that whole work knowing things is too strange. I don't want that at all. So anyway, I'll let it be. If he feels like it, he can figure what he would like and if there is some middle ground. And he also has to pull his weight without being prompted, but maybe he doesn't understand what that means for me. And he will. He isn't an idiot, he will figure. But it's okay, in due time these things can be learnt sometimes there are hiccups. Plus even in friendships there needs to be legitimacy. That's fair and not even a tall ask..its just weird that he assumed I was saying call me over insta. Like no. Talk to me properly and be normal and treat me like a whole person. I'm not some stray dog you throw scraps to. It's strange that he feels like I'm asking him to part with something precious. Ironically he is someone I consider precious and I've done a lot to make sure he feels safe and nice with me. Felt gutted when he said he thought I didn't wanna talk to him. Like wtf. How can he ever think I wouldn't? After all this while how tf can that thought even cross his mind? I've always been there for him, always. He should be able to take that for granted by now. And I will be too. I like openness and between us there shouldn't be any need to have weird facades. And I deserve and want kindness and legitimacy, it's not a lot to ask for any more. I've also done my part, so I won't question myself here. I'm sure he understands. I trust him, he will figure it out. Actually feel happy saying that. :) and I just want a sweet, simple equation with him, that's all. No bullshit, no drama... Just laugh about stuff, ask about day, generally discuss sports yadayada. Nothing complicated.
I'm actually feeling quite light hearted too now. Atleast there's no bad blood on either side. I hope he feels the same way too. And I owe him an apology for acting the way I did.
So cheers. Let's smile, life is sunny and good. Have lots of other stuff to do, so should get busy with that. Hopefully all this sorts itself out and blows over. Not a child it seems. Ofc you are, but that's part of the reason why you are so precious, so don't change it ever. Love you lots.
Tuesday, February 13, 2024
Waking up at 6 am wtf. Lmao. The perks of sleeping early. Or ARE THEY?
who tf wakes up at this ungodly hour. Fuck it, going back to sleep.
Oh god what song is this hahahah fuck need to find. Creativity 💯
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3GDDzBNPJL/?igsh=NndwcTYzdDZhcDRh
Oh my this is such a beautiful song. Oh god. Heartbreaker
Thylacine: Albeniz. Oo the guitar and the immersion... I love it.
Recovery
Finally body is recovering whew! 🖕
I've started enjoying this random mid day routine of writing out bs. Idk when it became a habit but it's kinda fun. Lol. I don't think I've written this extensively ever in my life. Even my diaries as a kid were all filled up but not as elaborate. I do have a love for writing, or rather I'm developing it maybe. Slowly trying to rediscover other passions in life too. Time will pass anyway, might as well use it in bits I enjoy doing.
Something about sunny days also makes me happy. Esp spring time cuz the city looks pretty in parts. Something about the permanence of nature and trees has always been soothing to observe. Even the tree outside my window starts to flower and makes me feel a tiny bit happier than I did before I looked at it. Small pleasures. I've been trying to make note of them all to practice a sense of gratefulness. Let's see how I do.
Been seeing some of Nadia Bryan's reels, she seems like a sweet person. All about her kids though. Funny how your entire life starts to revolve around kids once you have them. She seems to have a good marriage though, which is nice. Lots of times sports folks tend not to, but both these two dudes seem very grounded and loving. I enjoy knowing people can be that way. It's important to be able to believe in the fact that good folks are around too I guess. I usually don't really pay a lot of attention to insta shit but every once in a while something seems wholesome.
Randomly came across my old colleagues' profile on insta and added him on a whim. First time I'm sharing mine with someone other than the 4 people I had and instantly all the rest of those guys popped up on my suggestions lol. It's just hard to keep social media on the down low sometimes but I don't wanna go back to adding the whole world and then have my feed be about people. I'd rather still keep in touch with folks personally. Except for a few. Just easier imo. Was speaking to him a little, he is on a solo trip at the moment and sent some pics of the places he went to. Soooo gorgeous. Somehow I always tend to meet people who are kinda offbeat and are comfy with themselves. I remember he and I had this huuuuuge debate on which is a better movie... Tron Legacy or Rush hahahaha. Man. So smashed we got and then debated for literal hours. Honestly just have the weirdest times with folks and yet it's the fucking best. Hehe. Cheers to the crazies. You all are interesting, intelligent and fun. Glad I know you all.
Monday, February 12, 2024
Damn I'm actually feeling so unwell. Stomach hurts like crazy, been feeling weird all week. Ugh I don't wanna go to a doc hope it fixes itself. What's even wrong? Those stupid mushrooms I had? But that was a few days back and I've been feeling uncomfortable since that day. Or are the eggs I got spoilt? Ugh. Idk something is off.
These days I just get scared of something minor too cuz it feels like what if it ends up being something major?
Okay bad negative thoughts lol. Forget it.
Sunday, February 11, 2024
Kelvin Kiptum
Oh my god. I'm stunned and gutted to read this wtf. No way. Was literally just hoping this year be breaks sub 2. Wtffff. Oh damn. This is heartbreaking. And only 24 wtf. And he was literally training to make the sub 2 barrier this April I was so kicked to see it finally happen
Fuck...just yesterday I was thinking about how life can be so transient and I wake up to read this fuck fuck fuck. It could happen to anyone anytime. This is so scary.
Damn: https://hikosuru.blogspot.com/2023/10/kelvin-kiptum.html
I wrote this last oct, waiting for him to do wonders this year fuck in a matter of months he is gone. Idk why I'm so unsettled by this but I am.
World record holder, attempting a feat no man ever had accomplished and dead. All by 24.
Rip. GG.
Wow so I have fever and a raging headache to boot. Had a bout of feeling awful then cried. And as I'm typing this now I feel sad and horrid and I also know my periods are a couple of days away so this might be why since I always cry atleast once the night before they come around. But just at this moment, my god I feel so, so, so sad.
I actually just want to cry lots, I'm just so fucking weepy rn. My friend asked me some v point blank questions and for once I gave straight answers. It wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it. I think I kinda even see talking behind someone's back as betraying them and I hate doing it. I like being proud of people and in general want my friends and family to like them and see them in a positive light cuz they all have high standards. In the end - presenting a united front, being respected, having that tight knit unit is very imp to me. Part of why I never discuss anything personal about my relationships ever is cuz I don't like the world knowing any of the strifey bits. Even if I'm struggling, I don't want someone else to know or portray any person I care about as less than in any way to the outer world. But I can't lie to them and sugarcoat things and pretend to be proud of someone if internally I feel ashamed of them. Lord, find me a person that can earn their respect and that I can be proud of genuinely. Because I will noooooot be able to like someone I can't look up to in some way atleast.
Fucking periods I can't even see straight rn cuz my eyes are so damn teary I could cry. Hehe. I see what I did there.
Ugh. I should just sleep. Things will feel better once this pms lifts.
Lmaooo getting this notif from an app at 2 am in the morning 💀
Fuck... What a complete joke this is. Hahhaha. Oh man. Someone's out to flip me off.
Undressed
Whenever I see depictions like these, it always makes me feel a bit softer, kinder and imagine the ragey mask to be nothing but a defence mechanism of someone hurting inside it. And it's lovely to me that this art is paired with such a soft song.
Peoples' anger doesn't scare me. It makes me want to hug them, be there for them and hope they learn to smile. I like it when everyone is happy. Maybe it's selfish of me, since peoples' moods around me impact mine. So in attempting to make them happy, I'm trying to catch on to the light and positivity to make myself smile too. Is there no unselfish act? Does it matter? Do we need a medal for upholding imagined moralities? I don't think so. It's enough to try and do what you best can. Sometimes that may not even turn out how you expect it. But doesn't mean you should not try. Maybe this is why we also need the idea of luck. We are flawed and so error prone that sometimes right time, right place is needed to make things easier. It's comforting to know randomness and chance may make the right choice you ache to, but aren't able to. Happens to the best of us.
Passacaglia
Listening to Nat King Cole and Sinatra. Oof. What an era of men. With their tilted hats and deep voices and soft sides that croon.
British writers
They just have this way with words that's so utterly delicious.
"With the slightly miffed air of one who has run their finger along a daughter-in-laws top shelf and found against all expectation that it is sparkling clean, the Grand Master got on with it"
Uh. Ended up reading Guards! Guards!
Saturday, February 10, 2024
Articulation
Context: some guy saying patriarchy impacts men in that they are always told to be bread winners and get better jobs etc.
Genuinely one of the most impactful thought lines I have seen articulated in a long time. Was very hard hitting to me, as I never considered it this way. But it's true. There is a huge difference between the two. I don't want to think of it in terms of men v women ofc, but I've often noticed how a lot of guys simply don't understand inequality from a woman's perspective. I recall the time when P told me his mom asked him to buy her a set of earphones cuz she didn't want to ask his dad because his dad makes her justify each purchase. And it was such an awful, humiliating way to treat your wife. To be the mother of two grown children, someone's wife and yet not having enough autonomy to be able to just get yourself a some fucking earphones without asking or telling someone or justifying the purchase like what the fuck. It was so unbelievably abhorrent to me that this is the reality of his household and what was worse was him simply not even understanding or seeing it from that lens. He simply kept saying oh but dad makes all of us justify cuz we need to learn the imp of money like fuck. A father teaching his kids that is one thing but it never even occured to him to realise that he is being so humiliating to his life partner and treating her like she is below him and hence needs to be taught the value of money? To a point where she would rather ask her grown son to buy them? Ugh. So repulsive. And the son, does not even understand the difference or how garbage it is to treat someone this way. He kept talking about her having some unspoken power like she can tell his dad when to come home. Like it's the same thing. Would his dad be okay if he had to make a case to buy himself something simple or ask for an OTP every time he had to make a simple transaction? After what... 30+ years of marriage? Yuck man.
The worst part is that they come from a generation of tier 1 unis, high income, high net worth families and this is how they think for something as petty as earphones.
One thing I learnt from my mom is the importance of financial autonomy in any relationship, so you can always have your head held high. And it's true. You can't even have a proper fight with someone if you are discontent and then have to ask them to buy something small like how fucking humiliating will that be? The amount it'll chip away at your own self esteem? Any form of forced servitude is just awful to me. I understand discussing big purchases with each other but not having the freedom to just shop for random small things is something I can't wrap my head around. And for a guy to consider this normal for his own mother. It's always in these seemingly benign things that I find true reflections of the evils of patriarchy. I'm glad my gen doesn't have to deal with this stuff anymore but I'm truly sorry for all those who had to live their lives with this being the norm.
It's true. A lot of people just don't realise it.
Oh wow
How does the exact type of music I want to listen to at every moment just show up like clockwork?
Stunning. Honestly one of the greatest bands to come out in the recent past. Fucking stunning.
Dance with me
To This
I love StrFkr. And I want to drink an Old Fashioned, hold it in my hand and dance with you.
Fuck man × I owe it to myself to not settle. This just means I'll choose someone crazy who will wring my heart to bits and I'll love him still. Oy vey.
Well, here's to the crazy ones.
May we make love, may we feud, fight, cuddle, and love each other forevermore.
Just make sure you are a man. That's all I ask. Like I said, I can't settle. Strength of character is non negotiable. I have it, you gotta too. The rest, we can figure.
Until then, imma groove to:
Or maybe this
I know how to be good. Just like I know how to be kind. Doesn't mean I don't know how to be the opposite. I just choose not to. Otherwise I'd be out getting flung and touching tongues whenever I wanted. But I don't.
But hell will freeze over before I let you disrespect me and get away with it. Suck it.
And unlike your other ladies, I do not plan on getting some guy to finger bang me on harleys and ask you if you care. If I was letting some other dude finger bang me, I assure you...you'd be the last person I'd even give a shit about. Because trust me....the dude fingering me, would not be a giant fucking pussy. :)
Leclerc the Pianist
Why am I only discovering today that he plays the piano wtffff!! And so good!!
Omg one of my fav tracks and he plays it so fucking well!! Aaaaaaa
And oiiiii hehe, he played Handel on my bday lmao I love this. ♥️
Daaaamn man, something about the piano and people who can play it. Gotta have such beauty in your soul to be able to do that.
I never want to forget the feeling it evokes within me.
PictuRisque
~
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
~
Seeing some insta lives all perfect and pretty and graded to correct colour. I have shiny smile too, I slap it on whenever I have to talk to someone, it's so easy. Sometimes I wonder if you would have ever had that problem. But you're soooo tough aren't you? :) Mr. Tough Guy.
Here's a song I think would suit you fine:
Tu tu tu, tu tu tu tu.
And this a song for me: On Melancholy Hill
Hehe, sorry darling... I'm being mean to you cuz I miss you, obviously. :)
It's just fun to imagine you as a cold, heartless, scheamy ( I can't even spell it, I tried thrice) lil B word which I can't bring myself to call you ever because I can't bring myself to demean you. But why'd you have to go be so mean to me?
I wanna wail, wail, wail like Daisy Buchanan might, except I'm not shallow and flimsy like her and nor as delicate...but just this once I wanna get upto glorious flights of dramatics and wave my pretty lace hanky around to signal my discontent. Heh. So I'll be make myself content by scolding you in my mind, and trust you me, I have - very harshly at that. I always forgive you after though. That's my pet albatross. I named him Fluffy.
Black, White and Blue
Here's an actual song for you though, maybe someday I'll send it and you can pretend you are hearing it for the first time:
Oh wow and coincidentally this too -
Of all the things to find, the song came on and a little later the image.
May the gods of odds always be in my favour. And since I wanted to share this song with you, I suppose I should say our. Lucky you.
Such a loungy day. Gotta find some nice place to go to, feel like being around some plants and trees lol.
Edit: lying down in the grass with the sun scorching me and listening to some random music from a coding stream while reading and playing chess intermittently. Technology, I love you. I truly do. Following thibault on lastfm, he is a gold mine of nice music. So excited to discover new artists!! I think I can spend just hours simply finding new stuff.
I feel good. The only thing that would have made this better is a nice cold beer next to me hahah. Too bad parks don't let you but I guess if they did, I'd be snoozing here after one oops.
Was checking out some Haskell learning site and the author seems to be a Terry Pratchett fan. Named some chapters after his book. I love these random crossovers and now I want to reread Guard! Guards! 🤷♀️
Friday, February 9, 2024
Agatha Christie
Finished an old Christie. Doesn't have the same impact now. Dayum. I guess it would have been fun as a kid but some of her books are so dated now. The plot twists just didn't work.
Interesting. Trying to find the framework used in mystery thrillers and hers still seem by far the best. What a genius of her time she has been. Stunning.
Funnily enough people are still trying to ape her style of writing with all the new web series and the kinda plots they come up with and yet noone comes close. There's such a dearth of creativity.
I start to feel very down in the dumps if I don't do cardio. Took a two day break and I'm so morose now. Why does it feel like a lifetime has passed since my bday when it was barely two weeks back. Idk, feels like time has crawled to a halt and I'm just moving slowly. And I suddenly just feel... unlike myself. I'm just going through all the motions I have to, but my heart's just not in it. In anything to be honest. Lol, I'm a zombie 🧟♀️
Plus periods are also looming so deffo going to feel a bout of misery there too. Damnations.
I saw a vid of pewds pop up on my feed and omg he is a dad now. That's crazyyy. And such a cute kid he has, a v happy, calm one. I like to see how people start to define meaning in their lives though the families they build. I don't think you need to have kids necessarily to define it. But you should definitely pick a person you love and respect both and who loves and respects you. I think all the rest...the noise, people, the world outside... All of that can be dealt with if you have that one solid person by your side. And you know... That feeling of home and comfort and stability only comes by when you can just relax and trust the person you are around. No games, no bullshit, just knowing in your bones that they'll have your back and you mean a lot to them. The right sort of friends and lovers always make you feel that way, stable within you, no need for pretence, your vulnerabilities all safe in their vault. I know the time is approaching for me to find the person too and I'm hoping I do in this year and the next. I'd like to be in a stable, happy relationship now. Hopefully the right stuff comes my way. I won't be able to settle for just anyone, I know that for sure. So here's hoping I get lucky. Two things I'm certain of - I want to be shown value and I want to be shown care. I think that's why I've been so selective, I've simply never felt safe and comfortable with people but I'd like to now. Whatever hardships and heartbreaks have come my way, the one thing they have finally taught me is that these are the necessary ingredients for every meaningful equation. And I take that to heart now. I hope in a couple of months I feel ready enough to start dating new people. Rn, I don't have the desire or the mood but atleast by mid this year I need to push myself to get out more, meet new people and see how that goes. Well, atleast mentally prepping myself. Hopefully the zombie mode will also wear off by then. Maybe by M's bday. That would be a good timeline. Okay May 15th it is. Hehe, hopefully I look forward to it by then. Funny thing is I'm so tired and drained by recent events that I don't have the energy to make an effort for anyone anymore. So in a way that's good, cuz the other person will have make some for me for once. Lol, wonder what that feels like... Atleast hope they see me as an actual person, and want to actively talk to me. Wonder if that's asking for too much effort haha.
The bar is on the fucking floor. 😝
Fuck, how did my life come down to this point that I even have to ironically state this? Like wtf. Lmao. Never value someone who deliberately makes you doubt your own worth. Damn you M. I have no clue why you chose to hurt me like that. I was always so good to you, and you couldn't even keep your ego aside and wish on my bday. So mean spirited and stingy of you.
Oh well. I don't need to think about stuff like this cuz it's not happening again. First and last time I make room for that. I honestly know a lot of people do love me and respect me and genuinely like having me around. I won't doubt that ever again. And I know once it clicks, it'll stick. :)
Thursday, February 8, 2024
Pride
Loool
Tari fucking with his food and getting fucked instead. Saving for posterity.
A 28 hundo getting smashed by an 1800. Love to see it.
https://lichess.org/aqnCirDU/white#110
~
Fuck it, let's get shitfaced today... Been a while. In the mood to be reckless. Should I play chess?
Okay fuck it getting drunk and playing chess like the good lil girl I am. FML. Let's tank ratinggggg.
~
~
Ok let's tank more games let's gooooo
Music: Ocean Drive
~
Tinted
Somedays I'd write a story based on a friend and I always discovered what I truly thought about them from the way that story went. It was a strange way to be honest about people, and always gave me an insight into my own feelings towards them all. Their truth, their insecurities, things that make them shine, all of it would be wrapped in a warm hug of acceptance but also clarity.
Incidentally, there are some people I don't want to write about. Because I'm afraid to find out the difference between what I want to believe and what I do believe. Oops.
Porcelain
I've been a fan of Moby for so long, and yet I've never really paid attention to a whole lotta lyrics of his songs. As Porcelain comes up, a song name that I adore, I feel like I'm listening to it for the very first time.
"In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind"
Funny. I've never related to lyrics that were uber sad or hopeless. I don't think I do even now, somehow they simple fade into the background as the musical notes take over.
"In my dreams I see Roger Federer smacking a ball in style
This isn't even a lie"
Heh.
I want to play a little game with someone
2 lies and a truth. If you knew me well, would you guess which is which?
If I knew you well, would I guess which is which?
Might be fun to find out. Bet I'd know you better than you know me though, I'm the kind that pays attention.
Had been over to Thibault's channel a couple of times this week. I have started using him as a radio I think. He strikes me as a v indie coder, somehow they all have this liking for loungy Indian music. Bit on the nose to find someone who knows more Indian artists than I do, kiiinda shameful lol. Still, music is music and I love discovering random stuff.
Wednesday, February 7, 2024
Tuesday, February 6, 2024
Pick and Nitpick
Reading a lot after a long time uninterrupted. Feels really great. It's funny but the few things that can actually guarantee flow states are the most rewarding too. Just being engaged in any activity does that to me and I legit love that feeling of immersion. It's gotten a lot rarer as I've grown up but it's so annoying to have 1001 distractions. I don't care for them.
Long conversations, working with my hands, reading, working out(at times), researching, even cooking. All of it helps me feel in the moment. Last night just got a dose of good food poisioning and even that made me feel in the moment on account of how painful it seemed lol. Whatever works, amiright?
Monday, February 5, 2024
Incentives
Musk getting booted? Lol. Man, sometimes I just wonder at how fucking insaane some of these company evals are. Meta jumping in one single day and Zuck increasing his net worth in billions like what even. All of it just reeks of scamminess to me. And their circle jerk members just keep luring good engineers with some promise of idealism it's all such a hoax. 💀
Friday, February 2, 2024
Sheeple
I'm remembering "Do Androids dream of electric sheep" and it's mood regulation machines. What an interesting concept to have. If only life had such a switch. But then again, wouldn't you just do away with all emotions? Or would it be like cocaine and people just start hitting extreme dopamine highs all the time? Lol. Yeah this might actually be the way it pans out. Can always trust people to make the shit choice.
Rapid King's Gambit.
Finally played longer game nice. Man, playing against King's gambit is fun. Pushing d5 is imp I see. Fuck, for the life of me that one position I kept thinking what's the best move and couldn't figure why it was d5. Damn. Nice though. Really enjoyed it. Lol, I love accepting gambits I don't even know why it's just psychology like fuck it bring it on, I'll go down in flames if I must but I shall fighhhhttt. 💪
I respect these gambits on principle, just so enticing.
Will play another tomo let's goooo
Some things in the world, I'll never understand. But the good thing is - I don't have to. 🤷♀️
Camo and lemon yellow, goes well together. I feel like those tik tok dancers today.
Listening to Halsey and Chainsmokers and all those random edm tracks lol. I'm mushy enough to secretly like all these.
Ehhh fuck it dude. Imma dance to it and feel good.
Thursday, February 1, 2024
Who is this OptimistischeSschach dude. V interesting. Followed one game and it happened to be with this guy. Beat him again. Crazy strong must be. I get so curious about these anonymous players
Bonus Cardio Track: Edamame
Curious
When someone forces themselves on someone else physically, it is termed assault. But what's the term for when someone repeatedly does something mentally to you that you object to, and yet they just continue?
It certainly seems emotionally/ mentally rapey to me when people choose to ignore a firm 'No' multiple times and continue to subject you to their shitty behaviour despite being asked not to repeatedly.
Would it be termed a form of mental assault? Every single toxic person I've come across has had this one thing in common. Their complete and relentless ability to ignore a 'No' and crossing your boundaries repeatedly after being told not to. And this can come from any person at times. Like my stalker pal, who I used to think was a decent person but turned out to be like those very same abusive people and then continues to violate every boundary again and again.
Like what does it take for them to stop? Or do they simply stop at nothing?
Makes me sick to realise the shit you have to deal with for the simple crime of having been nice to someone.
Singing
Been a while since I just had some light hearted fun and banter. I'm starting to miss that, esp just random leg pulling and lots of laughter. Been around too much seriousness for a bit I think. Wanna do one stupid karaoke night or something and sing Britney songs lol. Raves should have been here, he always kills it lol. Will call him up and see if he has frozen yet in Canada or if he survived. Miss chilling with him and listening to his insane stories
Hermitting
I spent the entire first month of Jan just being frustrated asf. One month of 2024 already done and dusted and I was just ragey throughout. Lol. What a start.
Sometimes I think it would be cool to just have a reset button like in games so you can just do over whatever level of life you didn't think you played the way you wanted to. Lol. Wishful thinking. But a girl can dream.
Time to hermit mode life and just banish everything that doesn't serve a constructive purpose. Hope things get sunnier from now, too much gloom and doom this past month.
Onwardssss! To newer problemssss, bigger hills to die onnnn and better things to whine aboouuuut! ⚔️
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