Good morning world! Looking at you bright and early is surreal.
~
I have newfound respect for M for pushing himself as much as he does. Lol. Everything requires a warm up now. 😔
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It's already july 1 wuuut. Oh my god the time is flying by!
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I am beyond bored these days. Just mindless drudgery...need some change.
In bed so very early today. Hehe. Hope I sleep like a lazy baby. 🦥
Yet another herculean task awaits tomo. Waking up at 6 am. Fucking kryptonite.
~
What's with swiatek these days? Just loses so randomly. Wimby is sometimes very surprising. Watching sinners bleeding foot was weird enough, the number of UCs he did was just 😨🤯 I feel like in the absence of Alcu he also isn't doing well haha. Yin yang, balancing act.
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Where did all joke books go? We used to have all these old joke collections filled with tiny chutkulas lol. Where did the entirety of that disappear off too? Would have been nice to read rn.
~
Playing in the sun was so draining. Idk how the elites do it. It's just so frustrating to not immediately reach back to the level I used to be at. I hate it. I hate the slowness, the reaction time lapses, everything. Just annoys me and I can't brute force my way to prev level lol. Well, nvm. If it takes an extra month or so big deal. I'll get it done the right way. Stupid high balls though god. So damn annoying.
By August I expect to be able to be back to my intermediate level. I better be. 🙄😤
Nothing like getting drenched in the rain while out on a half walk half run lol. It's been a crazy week of not doing a thing so going out feels sooooo good.
Half the enthusiasm of youth goes away in the drudgery of paying bills lol. Need to hold on to it for as long as possible.
~>
Oh hey periods are back tooo! WOOHOO 😩 guys are so lucky yo. Seriously. Then again, I do not ever want night ejaculations 💀. We must pick our battles lol. Hehe eww man. Why are guys like this? 😂 All sickos yukky
~
Ooo I can see wimby today. Will sinner perish with the heat? Who knows?
_-_Alegory_of_Satan_(Lord_of_the_World)_-_MNK_II-b-3252_-_National_Museum_Krak%C3%B3w.jpg)
It's so damn hot wtf. Actually carrying around handkerchiefs these days.
Such a quaint habit that's lost to time now. Heh. Like snotty nosed kids with a kerchief attached to their uniforms. To sniffle into and to wipe sweat from lol. Dual purpose. How does one person generate so much fluid. Some questions are best left unasked.
Parts of the world don't even have school uniforms, that's nuts to me tbh.
Omg June 28th already. We are halfway through the year wut even.
~
Atleast I can go for a nice jog today. Whew. Evening time. Can't imagine sitting inside forever.
July 23, 2020. That's when I started playing chess. Damn dude. Ever so long!! I never thought I'd stick to it back then and now I don't think I'll ever quit hehe. How sweet.
You can never know what becomes a big part of your life and when. I like that thought.
Hehe.
I don't think I started playing seriously till 2023 though. I remember that lecture on KiD by M which first got my attention. Till then I was just bumming about. And then that dude from his stream... Imbo or something... Told me not to see his lectures cuz they are not beginner friendly and not worth following. That irritated me ngl. Dammit. So basically me wanting to actually play is a byproduct of knowing this fellow man. Shit. What a bun. Haha. Well, the less he knows. To be fair, I didn't even know him till someone spammed me his yt and told me good chess. All I saw was an annoyingly noisy person, thought my friend was crazy for liking him. 😂 Oh man. Well, he is crazy so I wasn't wrong 😤💪🏼. I just don't hate him as much as I should lol. Well, maybe someday, one lives in hope. 😅♥️
~
I want to be 2400 tbh. I won't feel happy then also but still.
My friend sent me a reel of some bollywood actor on how he thinks life has no meaning and then went " see see! I also feel this. ". I was stumped.
Like. 💀😂 The contrast of something as heavy as meaning of life, the most fundamental of questions and a total ditzy dude like saifu saying he gets it and it's meaningless. Oof.
Blessed be people. Truly. Life is a remarkable experience
I am fully bored with no going out. Last day of being in the house though. Finally sheesh. Being responsible about not spreading germs lol. Weekend tennis mornings. 💪🏼 Will hobble about and come back if I must.
~
Sheep detectives is so cutesy. I'm not able to digest something this cutesy. Wolverine rearing sheep 🐑. Cousin Greg being cousin Greg. And winter lambs. How very adorable. We need crossovers in these kinda films ngl.
~
I want fresh air.
Getting my mixer fixed is such a mundane task I had completely forgotten what going to a repair shop feels like. How fun man. Part of the fun in electrical engineering was actually circuit design and devices. It's nice when stuff works and gears go around smooth. Pottering about all this now seems like a good retirement plan tbh.
Talked to coach today, turns out he fell sick too lmao. Someone at the academy giving away germs.
~
A weird thing struck me. Like. People just reacted strangely to my racquet and I realised cuz it's a bit expensive. Man. I just. Idk. I feel really weird when something like that happens. Wish I'd just bought some regular decathlon brand for the academy and kept this for private use tbh. Hmmm. Well. I never realise these things until it's a bit too late tbh. Sucks.
~
Tomo I gotta make a herculean effort to wake the fuck up early and hope my body doesn't give up. I wonder if flu relapses happen. Lol, periods are also due next week. If they come about with the flu then I'm idk... Taking monkhood for women whatever the fuck that is. Like just. I'll give up the world only. Tyaag dungi sab bc. Dhaarna leke. Idk the English terms for these lol. 🪧 Picketing doesn't do justice to the emotion behind the sentiment. Contrast between eastern philosophy and western, they are so very different. I think part of why I struggled with master and Margherita too was the lack of understanding of colloquial nuances, so had to research them. Oh well
~
Why am I shivering? 😡
Such a sweet feeling to be tucked in by 9.45 lol. I like when legs are warm and toasty. I was thinking about the last WC. So much frenzy about it. There's always this feeling of excitement in the air for it. Esp that time it was in Brazil omg. Heh. All my guy friends flew down to rio lol. 2014 that was. Hahah SH and the crew, all chilling there. Funnily enough all my most selfish, impulsive, sorta kinda idealistic guy friends used to like Arsenal. Don't recall what all teams they supposed but all were die hard EPL fans.
~
Just saw the news that Alan Greenspan passed away. At 100. Wow. That's a looooong life. And then it said his wife of 29 years and at first I was like damn long marriage and then the math hit me. Well, kudos to him. May he rest in peace.
~
Oh man... I'm also remembering fondly of telling this guy about Messi lol. Seeing his goals while chatting omfg. Man, what an epic final that was, truly. Messi deserved that trophy so hard. Can't believe there's a whole world out there where football isn't famous. His dribbling oooof. Ankara Messi indeed. What a clip that was. I wonder who wins this time around. I haven't kept up with football at all this few years. I used to like Germany back in the Schweinsteiger and Kahn days. Even Klose and Muller. Never liked Portugal cuz god I can't stand ronaldo. Though he single handedly tries to carry the whole team if needed. Hmmm. Oh yeah netherlands! Their total football approach ahha. That was epic. Pure heart. Hmmmm. Dammit now even I wanna follow this year. Lmc.
Even today I feel like 4 years ago I was fairly innocent. It used to take me by surprise how guarded this guy was, like I couldn't really fathom a need for it. I suppose that's a good thing in a way, I've had the privilege of a good life where things have been more or less streamlined. Maybe that's why I'm not exactly the most guarded person once I like someone. But only then. Mary Mary, quite contrary.
Very brash, but very 😇. Hehe. I know in my heart how much I love and care, so like... I guess that's what gives me the strength to simply be upfront. One life, I'm not gonna waste it being slimy like the iagos of the world. Meh.
To love is to give freely, but if you squander it, next time it won't be. I think this is one of the fundamental principles of life.
I guess it takes all sorts to fill up the world. Different shades for different folks. You do you, I'll do me. It's always been my philosophy. 🤷🏼♀️
I hope 4 years from now, and every four years thence, I just look back at myself and see an innocent being there. That thought makes me smile. Maybe someday if I have kids, I can share this domain with them, just so they know who I used to be. I'd love that. Future babies. Hehe, what a quaint but scary thought. It means I fell in love, for real. And the person I love...loves me, for real. And things went well from then on, which is why younglings came into being. And that's so precious to me. Well. If our time is cut short, then maybe you'll have this to remember me by. That's a sad thought. I don't know why I've had that thought a few times before as well. Idle meanderings. Might be fun for them to read about me bitching about their father and what not lmao. I'm fairly certain I'll only fall for someone who irritates me here and there hahahha. Some childish, romanticy fellow for sure. And he has to be witty. Like that's non negotiable.
But I honestly hope and pray we all have a looooooong, loving, boring ass life. And go at 100 like Greenspan. And affffter I die at 100, kids and grandkids can read about innocent ol granny. Such a sweetheart she is. And they can hate on the villians in my life also for me. How dare they trouble grandma, amiright?💪🏼🤺
Lol. My kids can read about my bad choices too, huh? And my staunch refusal to give up on people. Hahahha oops.
Hopefully kids can read by that generation. Who knows?
To beautiful things and building a better future. And to making wiser choices that eventually get us there.
Centurions!
This flu set in right before weekend and lasted till Monday and has now left me drained of energy but with a lot of work to do lmao. Interesting. Conniving.
~
Falling asleep to random magnus games during was actually quite soothing. His way of speaking is very conducive to resting. I never realised that before. But he lacks the hyperactivity that defines a lot of others which makes them annoying. Well, good. Can't say I learnt anything but it was really lovely to spend time passively watching and listening to games being played.
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Today has been an exceptionally quiet day. Little to no activity, light work and mostly just waiting for evening to come about so I can sleep. It's nice at times to be quiet. Feels sort of peaceful. Looks quite gloomy outside as well, might rain tonight. I hope I'm in good enough shape to go play tomo lol.
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Finally feeling a bit better. Hope that feeling lasts lol. Hopefully I can go play tomo. Or who knows. Perish on the court entirely. Been thinking perish too much lately lol. Oh well.
And so it goes.
~
All these pretty earrings pop up on my feed lately. It's been years since I bought any. I used to looooved silver pieces so much earlier. Heh. My boho styles lol. I'm just sadly not that person anymore. Still, so pretty indeed.
Omg it's been 4 years! Since I discovered chess and got to know M. I effin watched the last WC while chatting with him. Damn, that's crazy. Time flies. Maaan. I remember him telling me he is 39 back then like it was something to be ashamed of. Silly person.
Fuck 4 years ago dude. That's craaaazy. Oh well.
It's father's day. Wished papa. He is such a simple man, just works hard and does what he can for his family. Not everyone has the privilege of having a father that models right behaviour. I somehow felt it today, like this day and casual mentions of it might be stressful to folks who don't have the best fathers. I'm sorry for that.
Glums and gloomy feeling it be, to realise that.
Can I wake up early to go play? Should I even put the alarm on? Or would I be sick again? What does the future hold? 🥺
~
Yep. More sickness omg. I feel terrible and also sad now lol. Sheesh
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Morning now, barely slept well, rainy outside, wheezing and just glad tennis is cancelled for the day. This wheezing is now wut even. So hard to breathe properly. Am I dying? 😩😭
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Oh man. Sometimes I just feel like there should be a way to simply sleep through all these ailments. All because I decided to start waking up early, just body is like nope, fuck you. 💀
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Heh. I've been whiny asf for the last two days but idc I want some tlc.
Might as well try for 2100 rapid today since I'm doing nothing else 😩. Nvm, no energy to think either. Cough syrup it is.
~
Oh hey it's father's day. Let me wish dad. 💪🏼
Lol Nadal alternating between winning slams and being on crutches. How painful man. I really feel for his wife. Watching her cry that one time he could not even play was so heartbreaking. Heh. Something inside me was just mad at all stubborn mules who happen to all be men in that instant. How do you just hurt yourself so much man? People who are pushing themselves may see that as pulling them down but honestly it's just care. Like thing you are trying to do is trivial compared to who you are. And this fucker had anyway got everything so like. Sheesh. He has a wonderful wife though, she seems sooooo nice. Lucky him.
Match against Zverev is actually making me cry man wtf. It really is.
I respect this fellow so damn much man. What a resilient soul, huh? You gotta really want something so bad. Battling everything. Well, peace be on your soul, I hope.
~
Is creatine a good supplement for women? 😭 These things freak me out ngl.
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12 Am and now I have fever too. :(
Third day of tennis and I'm already missing it lol. Stupid cold. Maybe I can just go over tomo. Do some drills atleast. Might just die on the court. Who knows. It's telling that I'm happiest when I'm running away somewhere hehe. Ugh. Cough syrup it is now.
Blanket, rafa, sneezing, snoozing, cough syrup and some idli sambhar to feel nourished. Baking in the sun just a few weeks back and now I have a cold. How life changes. And I have to work on that consulting gig too ffs.
~
I hate toni nadal man. What a smug prick yuck. This entire injury seems like it must be his fault. Ugh. Can't stand his stupid face, truly.
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Can I wake up early tomo? Can I? 🥺
Watched a teensy bit and I can't yo. I legit felt emotional wuuut. It's like a time capsule of something I've passively loved. Crazy how sports can be such a enduring part of life. My first few glimpses of him were also exactly during that davis cup and subsequently when I saw him play Coria. It was insane to me. And now...
WE ARE ALL GROWN UP. 😭
~
This cheapo finally winning some good ones. Good good. Lost a bit right as I saw lol. But nvm good games I enjoyed seeing.
~
Back to Rafa. Man is such a cutie that shy smile jeez. Total heartmelt. And the ice cream omgggg. Howwww. Fuck. Toooo cute ya. I'm sure this will soon take a dark turn man. Ugh. All the myriad injuries will make me cry 🥺
Awake and just so unwilling to get out of bed omg. I really should check if there are some evening slots to play cuz 😭. This is too early.
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Ok whew. One more session done. Man, seriously need proper conditioning. That start and stop running is so different from normal lol. Well, look at me being a grouch for no reason. All in all, it was fun. That one dude with attitude and no skill was so annoying. It's always people like that who won't work on form but then completely try making power shots to act like they are so great. He got so pissy in the end when he kept fumbling. Weird to see so much ego on the court. Interesting phenomena. Anyway, gotta start doing running drills. My reaction time is also slower than I remember, I really hated that. I've come to dislike that the period of acclimating is a bit greater than it used to be, or maybe I'm more impatient who knows? Anyway, tis what tis. I shall do my best. Knowing that is a good enough feeling I suppose. A month from now I want to be back to be nimble asf 😤
Jeez a vid of Gotham and Mike playing tennis popped up on my feed again and maaan. Even I could beat them both without trying. Wow. It's like watching pickleball. It's weird how so many folks seem to go tennis and chess but the tennis part just seems like a performative add on cuz none of them have a clue. I suppose that's not a bad thing tbh, it's just a sport. But they kinda exclusively go for tennis as opposed to basketball or some such. That's weird to me.
And then there's a stalwart in the comments calling this dude semi pro in both games. 😭. That word semi pro is so bad yo. Just say someone plays both well or something.
Hehe, I don't mind being bitchy once in a while in my mind but I don't like others doing it. Lol. Plus I would never actually go around doing it publicly, I feel like social media just makes people too comfortable with saying stupid shit about others. V uncool. It's so tacky and weird too, like esp chess folks they seem very negative and aggressively anti everything. I don't see that much bitchiness in other places. But who knows, it's not like I've looked hard enough.
Anyway.
~
I really wanna get my level up again sheesh. Gotta really work at it properly. Ugh. Need to do it quiiiick. Well, tomo is a new day. A new sunrise that I shall see because that's how early I'll be awake. 😩
Back to 2k rapid like an underachiever. Wtf is this italian game paris defence that I play so often and screw up always? 😩 Hehe.
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Omg day is over already. How very rude of it. I haaaave to try and sleep early. Atleast 4 days a week. Zomgz. How to? Oh I know..I can try mediation. Nothing puts me to sleep faster. Lol. 2 mins and lights out.
Looking up how many rounds of a court make up a 5k and I think I'd look insane if I ran 210 rounds there 😞
How to balance this?
Maybe I'll just die of exhaustion then I won't have to worry about anything. Silver linings 🌈
Already have a headache due to waking up so early like the good little old person I am. It's lovely being me. 😊
First proper tennis sess after a decade like damn. I feel soooo good. Got so tired till the end. Will need atleast a month to acclimate back but then it'll just be so epic. I'm looking forward to this bigtime! My few loves ...Running, Tennis, Chess. All yum. 😩🤭♥️💋💯 I envy pro tennis players cuz damn. Also why do I keep lifting my leg. Hahah coach was just like bruh stay stay!! Hahhaa. Omgggggg. Hand also hurts with swinging. So damn weak!
Heh. I could live on a court. The only drawback is having to wake up so early lol.
I miss the times where I could just play for hours and hours and not feel a thing except feeling like yeah funz. Damn dude. Will take a lot of consistency to get back to that, but I am soooo looking forward to it. Next 6 months 💪🏼
Talked to brother all morning. He is at indian Wells. Man the courts there look sooooooo beautiful goddamn. It felt good talking to him. He is generally such a positive person, and he tried to be. I miss him man. Making plans to play tennis with him hehe. I'm sure it'll be fun. I can't wait!!!
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Who I want to be, how I want to be etc... these are questions everyone has to answer for themselves. But they are good questions. Feels good to have someone in my corner. Plus he told me he can call and tell my friend to fuck off for doubling down on the bullying claims. Hahaha. I love him man, has my back 💪🏼
Maybe setbacks are a part of life and I just gotta accept that, not get dejected and simply use this knowledge as fuel to do better. What else is there anyway? Heh. Adopt what djoko says. How long you stay in that mindset is what dictates... Well I forgot what he said fully but whatever. This calls for a more mentally disciplined approach.
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Today I feel shitty, I'll let it be...tomo I'll deal with it and get back on the horse. Fuck. Giving my own self a pep talk. Oh well.
On some very rare occasions I really feel like I wish I had someone I could open up to and trust with stuff that bogs me down. I could do with a bit of care in that dept tbh. Oh man.
Meh, fuck it. I can do it by myself. Anyway I only slipped up so it's on me. It's always been my responsibility so I should not whine if I mess up.
~
Whatever, onwards and upwards with a cheery attitude, gots to do it. This time around I'll get everything right. 💪🏼
It's nice to watch the same film every few years, so many tiny things I missed about the departed earlier that I'm appreciating now. For some reason I've never seen internal affairs all these years. I really should get around to that too, see how similar or dissimilar the films are.
~
Checking some threads on how the two compare and a lot of film school buffs critique this one for being bloated and IA to be slick and pacey. Interesting. I'll have to see it at some point.
And with that, the weekend is over. Oh so soon
It's all windswept and rainy. Just the exact weather I love. The tiny pane that I removed in my bathroom window let's in soooo much cool air that even brushing just feels divine. Hehe, my laziness in not finding where I kept it last has paid dividends. I should really find it but also why?
Something about windswept mornings feels just right. I love cold weather so much. And it's perfect for lazing about on sundays. I wanna snuggle back!
👩🏼🍳 💋
~
I wanna watch the departed maybe just sit in a blanket and watch. Yumz. After all these years, it's still one of my fav films.
Ugh. Gotta meet cousin and I do not want to. Man, I'm such a grouch. Mostly cuz I dislike having to extend pleasantaries with folks I have no interest in cultivating an equation with lol. It feels so false.
Anyway.
There's a lot of good anime that I have missed, I really wanna just watch some good, fun ones. Been soooo long. All my pipe dreams and wishes show up on weekends, baggage and all.
~
Summit of the gods. Gotta see that today. Man, it looks soooo good to see rock climbing. I would love to. Scale a mountain ooh la la!
Cleaning done, rating tanked and now just enjoying the breeze outside. I love late nights. You know. All the surge of fondness I felt for him tonight, and I'll admit... I intermittently do. It would be such a bummer to someday discover that he is evil or something lol. It's easy to feel fondly of someone in isolation. Well I hope he isn't all that, what to say.
One must dream of a better tomorrow, and for a nicer sun to shine. I have the strength to run miles but I do not have the willingness to deal with bad, mean behaviour. I hit my limit and I'm done with that. I don't believe in making an effort for someone who doesn't make any for me, so I won't. I'll only forgive if he says sorry and does it directly. Or maybe I just don't truly care. Heh, I got my own back for once. 💪🏼 People need to be nice, courteous and soft as a pillow for me to love them lol.
~> and we are back on earth for regular scheduled programming.
~
Omg matthew posted again wow. After so long. And a kings gambit game no less hell yeah. Legit the best, most enthusiastic teacher I've seen in a looooong time. Top notch quality man. Awww and everyone is welcoming him back, he truly has a lot of people who respect him. Well earned tbh. Wooohoo, pre sleep yt scenes for me!
Good music on a run. So nice. I've started trying longer distances unconsciously. All the pain and stress feels so good when it's a longer distance.
~
There's a moment where you feel like you can go forever. And it's such a lovely point. Makes me feel infinite. Then over the last few miles you feel like you might die. That makes me feel mortal asf and creaky haha. Whatever 💪🏼
~
I need to do so much more work tonight I'm so tired. 😩
I also need a haircut, my hair is so long now. I kinda like it. God the tragedy of being a girl is the perpetual grooming one needs to do. And yet I like hairy dudes. Haha. All this because I am attracted to hairy dudes why can't they like hairy women huh? 😱😭 Hahahhaha fuck. Omg.
Post run always makes me a bit frisky. I recall being soooooo turned on when I saw this guy in his white shirt, just that tiny bit of chest hair made me fucking wet. It's soooo rare for me to react like this haha. I remember when I first came across him I thought he would be a good fling. How very use and throw of me, huh? Man, I legit did not have a higher opinion of him beyond that. Just a couple of weeks and dip out and forget. And he was just soooo like... Tightly wrapped haha... Like an angry, emotional burrito. 🌯 Hahahaha. Omg that's actually it. I felt so protectively fond of him very early on, it was sooooo amusing and cute to see someone that nutty. Lust didn't win out for me, huh? Damn.
Oh well. Que sera sera.
There's many different ways to fall in love I guess, it can grow in different soils. But I would definitely love it if I feel this way the next time around tbh. Real, alive and genuine.
~
Aaand it's raining again, so pretty. It's been such a hot summer that this feels great ngl.
Ugh. I wanna do a cleaning sess too rn. Sheesh. Entire house. Let's do it. 💪🏼
Finally finished Master and Margherita. How interesting that a lot of the Russians reviewing it like the Margherita and Master part more than pilate. I suppose all the craziness of it mimics society so well that I would have definitely not got all of the allegory. Hmmm. Man, it's sad to miss out on inflections of things, huh? But I guess I can't spend more time on it. Tis what tis. I suppose older, religious folks can't really get behind using scriptures for an altered take on what they consider holy. There's that.
Read into the night after so long tbh. Hard to not be a teeny bit cranky rn. Hehe, like a baby. Little less sleep so wanna go waaahhh! Sleep is the bestest omg. One of the pure joys of life lol.
~
I need a shower also 🙄. And have to take cousin out for lunch tomo omg. 🙄 I wish to simply sleep in instead. Anti social 💪🏼
Subway takes is becoming one of my fav insta channels lol. Just heard something so diabolical that it simply made me laugh lots omg. Pettiness is an essential ingredient of success ahahaha. Omggg. That's just 🤌🏼 I am yet to find a take that's better than this, just peak bullshit. Throwing in Et Tu Anthony was pure class. Haha.
~
Sometimes I wish I had that level of wit and insight, it's really soooooo funny to encounter.
~
"Three lamps appeared on the table before the procurator, and the moonlit night at once retreated to the garden, as if Aphranius had led it away with him."
Just the phrasing is so gentle and beautiful here.
~
There was a time I saw something so very cruel. It was a news post I came across but the sheer cruelty of it defeated me. It made me feel like crying out in anguish, and at the same time... there was a feeling of despair. Like the person who did that was simply so unreachable in their actions that there was no point to even explaining to them that what they did was inhumane. I don't ever like to write about it, or even share it with anyone. Well, one time that I did tell someone that person laughed and I was stunned. And idk. It made me genuinely want to weep for mankind. As theatrical as it may sound to write it down but that utter despair I felt at the stupidity of people along with their incomparable, just infinite dumbness that can and is so often the baseline for cruelty made me feel defeated asf. Like they have no ability to comprehend the heinousness of their actions. Fuck. That was the one moment, in a small way I kind of understood the role of empathy that made jesus want to die for mankind. Maybe I was a better person back then, to have felt this way so instinctively. It stayed with me for days. And it still does till today, although it's not very front and centre anymore. But I did feel like at some level I got it, I got how terrible it must feel to have empathy and not the power to change or save anyone. It is a very hurtful state of being. People never really talk about that, do they? In my own way, I've always separated spirituality from religion, because I do believe that if the notion of God is true, then it is infinite and you cannot bind it down to any tiny set of rules and scriptures. I feel some things are only learnt from experience and perusal of knowledge, there cannot be a substitute for it. Maybe that's why the chapters on Pilate are so engrossing for me. Matthew Levi's contempt, his angst. Idk man. I know the point of this book and these chapters aren't this but it's a direction that intrigued me a lot.
Why do humans make so many mistakes yo? And why do we not have the capacity to do better? Can empathy and power coexist side by side? Idk. I do believe repentance and forgiveness need to be within a few steps of each other.
Lol. Or maybe I do not know anything at all. And I digress. Heh. From subway takes to this, it's been a journey, huh?
Peanuts are the tastiest nut ever. Omg. If only they weren't so loaded I'd totally stuff my face with them every day. Just the best. Hehe. Liking nuts. 🥜 🤭
Stupid shit makes me laugh even now. Like. Idk. I know it's dumb as hell. But maybe that's the allure.
Saw this fellow play today and again he lost that match haha. My bad vibes killing his game. 💪🏼 Whatever suck it. Hehe, I'm being a dixx for no reason other than love for the game.
~
I am in love with the Pontius Pilate part of M&M. Damn it's just so good. It's even simply written but it feels like there's such a weight to it. I am so glad I am cherishing this book.
~
Mindfully I must navigate this book.
Getting so carried away with so much to do. I feel like life should have some totem to use as a grounding mechanism, just to come back down to earth.
~
This overt enthusiasm works well for sports I suppose cuz you can channel the energy, but it is tough to redirect it when you have to finish tasks. I wish I'd just gone towards sports sometimes lol. Dammit. Paths not taken.
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Now I need to check and see how everyone is playing chess just to burn off some of this enthu I'm feeling this bright shiny day.
Seeing the trailer of obsession and wow. That's a very cool concept. Also a fucking nightmare. Jeez. Man, the very idea that a wish can take away your free will is soooo insane. I think the actress that plays Nikki also seems quite talented. Can't say I'll see this film but damn. Heh. I bet people who have dated such folks will shit their pants too. This much craziness is. Idek. 💀
Heh, it's interesting that the idea of this is probably a lot more potent than the film. Like it'll at some point hit the non realistic realm, but the real horror is when there's people like this and that gone girl chick. It's scary enough in women, in men I cannot even fathom. That must be a nightmare. Omggg I feel a shiver down my spine rn. Ffs.
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"Careful what you wish for"
...is such good advice lol.
I've always had this thought at the back of my mind cuz I really do feel it's unethical to wish for anything people based. Only stuff like gimme benign things is okay. Like idk chocolate rn or something silly.
Welp, this horror film is deffo not for me. Somehow feel as if the trailer might be a tad better than the film overall but who knows. Or is it some other film people have been talking about? Ugh. Idk. I'll try watching the chair to get a flavour of this director. Lmc.
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I wonder what living in a nightmare would be like for people? What different versions would crop up? My earliest one was trying to escape some place but eyes are too droopy and I'm falling asleep while someone is chasing me. At a train station. It was about the only time I've had a nightmare that was recurring. Man, but that feeling of not being able to leave was intense.
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I'm also fascinated with pomegranates rn. Hmmm. I wanna sketch some.
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Omg the chair is FUCKING TERRIFYING. Sheesh. Mooooooooommmmmm 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Effin bullet is so thrilling man. I could go for hoursssss. 😭
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Peace.
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Yesterday this guys' friend popped up on my insta. Out of the blue. Did a double take. Sheeeit. Jumpscared and what not. I hope he found someone tbh, I think he is a nice dude with a whole lot of sexual demons lol. Well, I wish him the best. I spoke to him at a time where I felt so very unappreciated and unloved that it made me feel very cherished in that moment. And I will always be grateful for that, cuz it made me suddenly realise that hey... I'm missing out on someone being nice. And that was quite eye opening. So yeah. I guess some people can just be there right time right place to teach you a lesson, best to learn it. Knight in kaleidoscopic bright lol. He would have appreciated that I think. It's a tad bit much but I'm generous if anything. In a sea of hurt, sometimes these things stick out like an island to cling to. It's sad, but that's life.
That phase is over for me, the weird insecurity and what not. But yeah. I am grateful for that respite. Did me a good turn, ergo I must wish him the best in return.
~ aaaand it's time to work. 💯
💀 Yep, as predicted. One a.m. and I'm awake yippee!
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Master and Margherita just does not end lol. There's still a tiny bit left. Russian lit tends to be so heavy. I can't seem to finish it in one go like I do others. I must have read the Judas of Kiriath chapter thrice by now. I can't quite describe why it's so interesting and fascinating to me. Hippodromes and Herod and the entirety of a civilization and a way of life so very foreign to us, and yet so essential and instrumental to the world we have today.
If I could choose to travel in time, I'd either like to go back millennia just to see what it was like , or simply forward.
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Slept super late but woke up super fresh. And I have to start waking up earlier god knows how I'm going to do that lol. Herculean task, my Achilles heel is early mornings. It's okay, I'll become like those oldies that run 10 k at 5 am 💪🏼
Sometimes there are coincidences that make me think. Something that's coming to me on 9th dec, a date I've always considered lucky for me. And it happened cuz I did the work today. That's so nice tbh. It wasn't planned, it just worked out as it were.
It's nice. Makes me feel cozy. That's a really nice thing.
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I have to runnnn omg it's so late. There goes my sleep cycle yet again. 🥺 Sleep is for the WEAK!
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Mid way through a semi slow day and M is back at it with her posturing over ... Heh idc if someone leaves me. Responding to Dosto and Kafka quotes no less. Man, the sheer muggleness of it all. 😞
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I find this much immaturity very off putting, really.
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Man, I gotta read something good. It's been ages since I found something engrossing and engaging. Idk why, maybe I'm just not scouting things enough. Hmmm. Lmc. I'll do some looking around tonight.
There was a time I would get excited when this guy used to play moves I calculated, cuz it felt nice. Over time I've noticed the games he most tends to lose are ones where he plays moves I too can calculate 🤣😭. Oh boy. What a bun hahahaha. Could not stop laughing when it finally struck me.
Oi vey. 🤌🏼
~>
Whatever, he is a meansie so he can lose those idc. 😤
Wanna flip him off today idk why. Quarterly urge hahah. 🖕🏼😌🖕🏼Anything is better than feeling fondness. Touche.
First time in my life RG finals making me sad.
Stupid Cobolli. Just. Stupid Sinner also why didn't he win? :(
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Mirra looked super cute in her glasses and someone said she looks like Elton John in the best way lmaoooo. Dammit.
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Thought I'll go get beer for the finals then remembered my headache then remembered M telling me not to drink so skipped it cuz why not. Ugh. I used to listen to that ass a lot, didn't I? Even today I am. 💀💀💀 Stupid me also.
As assy as he is, there were times I felt he looked out for me and I appreciated that tbh. Like telling his friend to behave with me and chiding me for indulging some folks. Ugh. Haha. It's weird, but I'm not exactly in the habit of letting people tell me what to do, but with him I kinda didn't mind sometimes. I mean I mostly didn't mind, not sometimes. Pretty much always. I wonder why. Felt like a weird form of trust I suppose. Man, trust for me is just such a huge thing...once gone it's very tough to recover it. That's the sad thing when you put a premium on something. Anyway. No beer, no headache and RG sucks. One out of 3 ain't bad?
Stupid RG finals... I'm not liking this Zverev potential victory:(. Where Nadal? 😞
I'm having pasta for dinner Cobolli plsssss 🥺🥺
Ok not dying. Headache is dunzo whew. Man.
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Met cousin and his newly wedded wife. Her mum is born in 76 like 😩. Just made me realise how old people are lol. You can have a married 26 yo when you are 50 💀. That's nuts man. Nuts.
Also, I haven't seen wedding videos in so long lmao. She seems really nice. It felt pleasant. I feel like he chose well. Genuinely. Feels good to see. There's something very sweet about guys that are in love. How nicely they keep their wives, how gentle they can be. It's something very precious. Gestures of care count for a lot, and they are very intrinsic in people. They either exist or they don't. Well. And so it goes.
A person's temperament matters a lot. I guess home should be a place of comfort and soothing, and that's only possible when there is gentleness. I hope that's a part of my future too, sweet stuff like that makes me also want to marry ngl. Never thought I'd do such a 180 on marriage but here we are.
An entire day of a headache and it's still not gone. This has never happened before. It's not harsh, it's mild, but present. Weird. Says dehydration, lack of sleep and muscle fatigue can cause it... Lol. Well yeah, lack of sleep did happen yesterday cuz I had to wake up early. I suppose that's what did it. 😤
Meh. Hopefully it'll be done by tomorrow.
Heh. Have a migraine since yesterday. Keeps on throbbing at my side. Mentioned it twice to mum and she didn't even bother to ask how I am. Instead just told me about her stomach issues the first time and ignored it outright the second time. Wonderful. It sticks out to me cuz I keep trying to be nice and fond of her and then meet with this behaviour in return and it always brings me back to earth. I guess I feel like I don't want to anymore. Once that door shuts in my mind, it will never open again. Heh. Well.
Someone had once sent me a reel about that feeling when you need your mom, and I drew a blank cuz I've never experienced what that feeling is. I've always just tried to either avoid engaging or simply trying to keep the negatives minimum. Lol. Had no idea you could actually need someone. 🤷🏼♀️ One doesn't miss what one doesn't have, that's not such a bad thing.
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Where's that even if and how to apply it here lol. Useless verbatims.
Anyway. As per usual, let's pretend it didn't happen and move the fuck on. Feel like puking damn. Never felt this much throbbing in my head before.
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Headaches really do bring me to my knees like no other. Legit just want to escape it somehow lol. This nausea is new. I haven't experienced this level of it before. Gross. Begone pls.
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Lol, arnaldi gave a walkover by having a bug and meeting the players to apologise in person. Great. Now what if they fall sick? We have learnt nothing.
I came across a video about reframing things when experiencing emotions. Like anger go for a walk and anxiety instead of what if just go even if. I love that. I absolutely love that. 'Even if' is suuuuch a genius way to handle things. I have to make a note to remember it. Heh...all of this low key feels like when you redirect toddlers to some other activities.
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Even if Zverev wins, I will still dislike him 🤌🏼💪🏼
Mensik pls 😩.
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https://lichess.org/NdBUwHuP/white
Wing Gambit and f4! 😩 How I wish I could play like this omggggg.
Getting late for a flight then driving to the airport was wild. Never thought parents would get the time wrong maaan. Felt super worried about dads leg also. I didn't want him to have to rush if his knees hurt. Jeez. Life for elder folks should be easy peasy man. Like idc if they miss a flight or two, just don't stress and strain.
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Need sleep. Seriously. So very zonked. I am not made for early mornings. Hehe. And omg mensik v zverev. Z can win a slam or can mensy deny him? Lol. Feels like it's his turn tbh. Sad realisation.
Why am I craving a chocolate these last few days? Weird. Just such an odd urge out of the blue. Ugh. And I never even keep any cuz it just stays in the fridge for months lol. The one time I legit want one and it's midnight and I can't get it. 🙄😩
Google says might be magnesium deficiency hahaha omg I was thinking it might be that... I should just get the supplements, I think all the workout sweating and heat is making me a bit dehydrated. And get some bananas too eww. God, I dislike em so much. 🤢
All in all, a good visit I suppose. Glad everyone could be here. Wish bro was also here but yeah. Hope I see him soon too.
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I've started noticing how often people say something negative though. Projecting their negative experiences always. Idk why it's like that. It irritates me no end, that defeatist acceptance of negativity is what gets to me.
Was telling dad about the reels T sends me of marathi folks and how I didn't realise how much nagging and taunting happens and dad immediately was like if you had married into a marathi family you also would have had to hear it. Like just straight off the bat. And my mind is so boggled like how howwww did you think I'd be okay with it or even choose to be in that environment? That's crazy. Fuck. My dad doesn't realise at all that I simply chose not to marry cuz I hated that kinda behaviour growing up and I'm never going to be subjected to shitty in laws or be stuck in some shitty marriage like no thanks boss. This is not for me.
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I hope I never ever have to be like these negative and defeatist folks, I hate that shit from the bottom of my heart, I really do. That mindset is pure poison. I'm not cut out for stupid stuff like this.
Anyway blah. I don't need to be this way so who cares. Imma find someone nice and build a happy life, that's all that matters. :) and I mean... People can't choose the family they grew up in, so if the person is nice I suppose I'd deal with their family if it's shitty. I guess that's the caveat, that person is someone I need to love and I need to be certain they love me, and will be a team with me. Else no bueno.
Thing I also understand now is to not take anyone's words too personally and keep some space between them and my mind. Never let something external dictate your views. Simply detach. It's a lot healthier. Wish I had figured that out earlier. It used to seem like I'm brushing people off and not giving them importance if I felt that way, now I don't see it like that. Hmmm.
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Omg nadal is 40! Damnnnnn. Time flies.
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I got my 21, should I go for 22? 😭
Scanning my bookshelf as I drink coffee and I came across my old slam book omg. The pics I saved and the collages I created. Oh god. Heh. It was good growing up man. There was a sense of joy and camaraderie in life that's been scanty lately. Well, seasons for everything.
Heh. So much bs man. God. Jack a thon. I was soooo innocent, I knew nothing lmao. Fuck.
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Everytime I read all my diary entries from when I was a kid I am struck by how very naive and innocent I was. Just. I wonder ten years from now if I'd say the same thing again tbh. I hope so, I think in a way it's best to live life in a way that's sort of benign. Like a fool 😂
Every once in a while, I look at this vid.
And you know what. That's so fucking devastating like. There will never be a player like him again. Peak him will eat djoko for lunch dinner breakfast and twice on sundays. 😤
Sheesh man. Just the sheer beauty and power is breathtaking
Seeing Saba play and ngl her grunting is just pure gamesmanship. 🙄 God I wish Shnaider wins just for that. I'm gonna root for her 💪🏼
Let's go lady!
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Omg yesss! Heh, she was a set down when I decided to root and here we are.
How happy am I. Ugh. Heh, in my heart I believe people I root for fully will make it happen. ☺️
Watching matches with dad is so fun, he roots for the same stuff I do and both of us really get into it. Was soooo nice!!! ♥️♥️♥️🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼I remember how much he used to cheer my matches. All peeves with him aside, it's great to have someone on your side, truly. Goat.🤌🏼
Conan comes off as a very sweet guy. Sometimes I wonder how much of what we see in folks is the real them. But I suppose his commitment to the people who work for him, and the ease and respect he gives them do point in that direction. People only stick with you long term if you treat them well, atleast that's one of two reasons. Hmm. I suppose I find myself wanting to just look at something wholesome. Hehe. I suppose that's the role of hope, lest everything seems bleak. Also the role of chocolate. And DOGS. OMG. YES. Yeah fuck conan, we have dogs to look up to, they never disappoint. ☺️ Woof.
Eating a chocolate bar after so damn long. Heh. I don't have a sweet tooth but a good chocolate bar just feels luxurious. Not too sweet...dark preferably, and just the right amount of melt. Gorgeous.
After feeling annoyed for a day or so, this feels like a treat haha.
Oh well.
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People like Jodar and I've taken an instant dislike to him idk why. Not that I like zverev either. Meh. I wanted to see Mensik's match today.
Idk if I can stay up for another night match. I've been so sleepy and correspondingly cranky. Found it very tough to concentrate today. And no mood to do any writing tonight either, just too zonked. I should just sleep. Some days just best to call it quits. Guess I'm still in the everyone can eff off mood lol. Gah.🖕🏼😤🖕🏼
I felt bad today, I want to acknowledge that. It was a tiny thing. But sometimes it's those tiny things that reveal a bigger picture and that part hurts. Well, what are family visits if not filled with a twinge, huh?
This kinda stuff just makes me withdraw more and more tbh.
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Meh. I suppose it'll pass, as all things do. Stoics were right, no point wasting energy on things you can't control.
