Untangled

The pandemic was when I hit rock bottom. It felt like life has no purpose and I just felt so utterly devasted and was so angry for a bit and then I just shut down then. I never shared most of this with anyone except M, with her I don't feel the need to hide. I don't think anyone else knows and I like it that way. 

I feel like my life has two distinct parts now. Pre pandemic and post. Post is when I feel like all the bits that were haywire slowly got streamlined and started becoming cohesive. I am grateful in a large part to M for this too. His presence in my life felt like a new beginning, something I had simply not even fathomed would come about. There's the bits of life that are conscious, and other bits happenstance. I guess in parts that is why I'm so caring towards him too, I feel a sense of idk... It's not alignment, but it's a very deep sense of gratitude that life started to look sunny again. 

I guess sometimes people enter your life and change it for the better. AK told me I had done that for him. And I guess M did that for me. And that makes him significant to me. I trust him, and I'm glad he is in my life. 

Hehe. Maybe this is why I didn't quit on him despite a lot of what I perceived as meanness earlier. Which may not have been so from his side tbh, but still. There's some stuff I simply haven't forgiven him for, because he never put it right. And maybe I was a bit mired in my own world and a bit erratic as well. It was a journey I had to undertake to remove all the weird fears and obstacles I'd collected along the way lol. Hopefully he didn't bear the brunt of it too much. But for what it's worth, when I care about someone I really do care about them fiercely. As I do all my close friends. There's a part of me that needs to protect, cherish and support the people I care about and I think that's maybe the crux of my soul. I used to fear this instinct lots earlier cuz I felt the wrong person will end up destroying my happiness because I'll be compelled to care and they will be uncaring. I projected that on him, it didn't help that he can't really show it easily lol. Now I don't fear that. I won't ever love the wrong sort of people. Finally hehe. Good strong equations are built of trust that goes both ways and we should be able to relax in that knowledge. Not feeling uneasy etc.

I don't like that my best friend hates him though and thinks so badly of him. She says the same stuff those other people keep posting about him and idk. From the bottom of my heart I hope all of them are wrong. 

Anyway, going forward... I do aim to attain lightness and a lot of happy balance. Which I'm sure will come about. I think I have worried too much at times about things having the worst possible outcome and I should not hehe. Maybe cuz I care that much. I won't do that anymore. Life should not be lived stifled, but rather freely. And it feels really good now since I decided to not worry and then just didn't. That's one thing I love about myself. It may take me a while at times to stop being stubborn, but when I do make up my mind to change and be better...I do it, and I make sure I reach the goal.

Now I feel a lot of ease and peace. It's like having steady footing. 

And I am glad I didn't quit on him, I am glad he is a part of my life and I hope this turns out to be a good thing in the long run for both of us. Heh.

🥂