Listening to women tell me about their multi level skin care routine and I can't recognise half the stuff they are saying wtf lmao. I don't think telling them I use just body lotion will go down well hahah. Wtf man. How do people do so much? Istg nothing makes me feel alien like as much as listening to women discuss cosmetics. 💀😱
~
Beat someone that's 2400 bullet and 2200, 2100 blitz and rapid at classical hell yea. That was fun. Also he played like ass but who cares. Oh that feels so good man. Ugh. I wanna learn to make fewer blunders I'm sure I can get to 2100 ish easy that way!!
~
Ok this means I gotta learn to play safe like a pussy lmao. Fuck I'm gonna hate this yukkk
I always skip anatomy of a fall for something else. I'm gonna see in the heat of the night. Man. 1967. That's crazy old! Quincy Jones and Sidney Pointier. Let's goooooo
~
I like the intro song too. Blues never worked for me but every once in a while.
The waiter in the beginning reminds me somewhat of fischer lmao. This should be fun.
~
Oh god so much racial bs fuck. I can't believe back in 67 also things were this bad what the fuck. Pathetic. Like what even man. Just cuz someone is a diff colour you just harass him? Aaaa. I can't with this crap. Screw it I'll play chess. Fuck all this racism.
Felt really blue the last few days and I suppose I know why lol. Think I'll just go for a trek or something. Been so long.
~
Heh. I suppose I always take the time to understand why something had to be thus and end up trying to figure some things out. But maybe there's no point in that. Maybe I've just never learnt to be receptive. And I know why that is too. I can't go back in time and change that so it is what it is. But I suppose I can do that hereon out. There's no point in being understanding if it comes at your own expense anyway and I don't want to anymore. Hehe. I wish I had never experienced that thing last year. I really do. But can't change it. How I feel doesn't matter anyway so like whatever.
~
I guess I never again want to revisit a space where it feels like even the idea that I could be treated well just evaporates. It's like I gave up on expecting even the bare minimum and it never once changed. I'm sure that's a lot worse than I can even put to words but yeah. I should definitely not go back to that space or allow for the possibility of some phantom hope. Let's deal with things as they are, and the way they are... Yeah not good at all. Absolutely inexcusable.
~
Let's just go with what Rafa says. If, if, if... Doesn't exist. That's solid life advice. So I guess no more wondering. Let's just focus on what does exist and take it from there.
~
Meh. Let's go shopping and then do something fun with S this weekend. Or go play somewhere might be nice. Anyway he said he is coming to Whitefield so might as well catch up. Actually was quite fun last time too tbh. Nice.
~
Maaaan i'm just waking up again and again and again ughhh. Can't sleep yet tired and eyes hurt. 💀💀💀💀. Vanity pls save me.
Listening to it and I realise how easy it is to waste your life away lol. I don't see that as romantic. Just sad. Is it charming to think all that's left is a solitary hard on? Haha. Well, maybe a tiny bit.
~
A good routine, a good occupation, good friends and a tiny bit of strife. They are the ingredients of a good life. Even if sometimes things knock you sideways, you gotta get up. That's what I'd tell everyone I love, and myself too. Probably why I dislike folks who take to alcohol and such. I really hate to see it. Vices should be like pets. Manageable at their very worst.
~
Do right by me, and I'll love you forever. That's the promise I always made, and I guess I always will. But it is conditional on you doing right by me. Hehe.
~
Many people like Peter Cat. But I just can't give up enough to appreciate this meandering haha. It's too antithetical to who I am. Interesting. Walk with me my soulless friends. Never. Never. Never. Nada. I shall never pick you soulless souls. Nevaaaa
I think insecurities go away when you know someone has your back. Knowing they'll do right by you even when your back is turned. That's the kind of trust that is hard to find, but you should always keep.
And they multiply when you sense they don't. Maybe that's what we get wrong a lot of the times. Hoping that someone who treats us badly is going to do right by us. With the right people you don't have to guess or worry, you just know they'll treat you right.
Having S apologize repeatedly for a being late... even though it wasn't his fault... Just made me notice all the small things he does that are considerate. And in my mind it was like... Here's a person... Smart, successful, starting his own firm, has god knows how many patents to his name... And still is grounded enough to be considerate of me, my time and making sure to communicate that.
I don't want to contrast this with anything else... But little by little I want to ensure that I have only room in life for similar people who showcase that consideration and kindness implicitly. Its up to me to protect myself and I owe it to myself to pick people who bring that kind of wholesomeness to the table. I think I will too. For all the mistakes I've made, and all the times I screwed myself over... I don't think I'll ever compromise on decency and consideration ever again. I'm sure in the longer term that will be a step in the right direction.
~
Hehe. I guess it's my turn to experience niceness from now. And I want to be receptive to it. Might feel new but that's all right. I'll figure it out as I go along from now. Fingers crossed 🤞 hehe.
Rafa talking about the diff between playing Novak and Roger is so interesting. Hehe, him bringing in chess into it was fun, albeit completely wrong as an analogy. Buuut who cares he is such a cutie man. Hehe. Over time my respect for him has superceded most other players. I love how he conducts himself.
Having a show on in the bg and it's one where some lady has run away from her abusive husband. And he gets back into her apartment. It's so chilling to see esp when there's a small kid involved and that person is trying to use that kid as a threat. Damn dude. I am glad I haven't ever known someone abusive because this shit is wild. I never considered any of this as a kid. Now I actually understand how fucked up it is in an academic sense. I feel so bad. M's friend is the closest I've seen someone having to deal with that and damn dude. Seeing this lady now I suddenly just feel so fucked up inside knowing his mum would have actually lived this reality. :( of all the unfortunate things to happen to someone dude like. It suddenly just came back to me and idk I even used to want to yell at M at times for treating him badly lol. I hope that dude is doing fine and gets his future under his control. Idk why I always felt so protective of that guy, I barely know him. But he is such a helpless overgrown baby like. I can't begin to understand what his mum went through man. May she rest in peace man. :( Damn.
~
Ugh. Why is it always weak people that you have to be afraid of. Always. Always. Just. And it's always these weak people who need to abuse women and children to feel strong. Always the weak ones. Fuck dude.
~
S also grew up with a shit fucking father. His sister can't bear to come to her own place. Imagine that. She is so much older than us, almost 40 and still the amount of unprocessed trauma she carries is insane.
~
If I could protect every kid in this world, I would. I wouldn't even care what it cost. Like. People who harm kids should never be forgiven. Never.
~
Ugh I can't even watch this show..I can't watch some person gets violent like this wtf . This is extremely messed up.
Opened an old book and found a pressed flower. Lol... I feel like I love keeping small small things people gift me. My drawer has more nostalgic stuff I've kept than jewellery or anything expensive lol. A stamp, some box, the stuff J got me, the notes by AK, old mug someone got me, like literally everything someone imp in my life made me or gifted me is kept even after all these years. My books and this junk drawer is literally all the material stuff I love lol. And the gold is all shoved into some far corner. 😂 Hehe. I like that this is who I am. And I like that small things mean more to me than stuff that costs a lot. Even the ring I got the other day. I couldn't help but look at it and wonder why just a bit of metal needs to cost so much. I can't bring myself to value it in the same way I do all these other things and keepsakes. Every one of them has a memory attached to it that I love.
~
I hope I get lots of flowers in the future. Not cuz I yearn them, but I love the femininity it represents, and the old fashionedness of it. It was like a tiny lil secret in my tomboyish heart. I still have some petals saved from when V gave me my first bouquet. I guess it has come to mean something to me over the years. God, I am so fucking sentimental it's unreal. Just feeling all wooly inside because of these things haha. Well, idc. I love it. I love this girly stuff so damn much. Total romantic sap I am. And unrepentant about it lol.
Meeting after so long, so good to catch up. Started his own company too so I guess more travel means we can catch up bi annually haha.
Everyone eventually just takes the start up route huh. Good stuff. I like that it was just a chill day. Coffee sandwiches, shopping for his gf and then more coffee haha. Always fun to do girly shit with dudes who don't like shopping etc lol. He asked about L too, told him I didn't reach out. She called him though lol. Should have known. Only behind boys always. I was the emcee at her wedding and then she chose to hit on someone I loved. And now clinging to a guy whose gf told him to pick who he wants in his life. After which he never spoke to her for like a decade. Lol. It's weird how she simply can't let any guy go even after so many years. Well, not surprising. Guess that's why I never want to speak to her again. Maaan. After even treating him like shit she stilllll wants to go reach out again to him like what a psycho honestly. Cheated on him, dumped him, dated someone else, string him along, cheated on that guy then when he leaves comes back to date him as revenge and then tells all our common friends she didn't enjoy kissing S while she was with him to make the other dude jealous. Theeennnn finally S dates someone else so instantly try to get back in his life and attempt to ruin that relationship also. Sheesh. Some women are just so damaged they just can't help but ruin everyone's lives I feel. In some small gap she will try to cheat and ruin everyone's marriage and relationships behind their backs. I'm all out of sympathy also now, I kinda just see this as the same old shit.
From the bottom of my heart. L. You are a fucking colossal cunt. Truly. Like. Using your husband's money and resources to pay for your disease and then reaching out to all other exes behind his back. How are you such a loser dude. How. Just. 💀
~>>
I can't, never again man.
~~
Fuck I'm glad I never looked back at these folks truly. Hardest decision I ever made but completely worth it. What a snake she is. Ugh. Whatever. Screw it. Let's not dwell on this again. I legit hate this woman. From the bottom of my soul I hate her and her fucked up cunty machiavellian garbage what a spectacular asshole she is. Puke. My condolences to her husband who pays for all this stuff. I legit felt angry this time around.
~
Let's dwell on the number of coffees I had zomg. I feel so awake lol. This city has changed so much it no longer feels home. All those old spots now just feel unfamiliar. S was also complaining. Man, he got late and was so apologetic. In general he is such a good dude like. Telling me he is actually meeting someone socially after months and that was me haha. Such an honor 😂. But yeah, start up life is hectic. It was nice walking around too. I enjoy just exploring on foot and that felt so good.
~
All in all, a decent day today. Long drive but worth it.
~
Aaand tennis tomo hopefully it doesn't rain. 💪♥️
M's mums photography in the running to be used on a bg pass how nice! I love it when parents are doing cool stuff like that. I suppose growing up close to nature helps. Feel like a lot of nature photographers like ducks haha. She seems like a nice person too. I enjoy seeing the similarities and differences between people of diff backgrounds and upbringing. M is sweet and I guess that stems from good parenting in the first place. Was just reading about Shema and then saw this pic and her bio popped up where she says she supports israel. The more I have delved into learning about their roots, the more I have felt in awe of the resilience it must have taken for people to stand up to persecution. Just. I know we live in different times and so I cannot and do not want to second guess anything, but it does leave me in awe to know that there are still people among us who have first to second hand accounts of this stuff, that's how close in history we are. Hmmm. From appreciating nature photography to thinking of this, that's quite a turn. I suppose watching the old man recite the shema made me think of it today, it was so pious and heartfelt. Prayers can be very powerful and felt in your soul. The part of Kierkegaard that resonated with me feels like it's something eternal. To believe, one has to take a leap of faith.
I suppose that is a line of thought for another day. For now, I'm going to just go back to appreciating these pics. Baby bro has found a good woman in M. I'm glad. Hehe...atleast one M is nice lol. I guess that too is a thought for another day lol. Hehe. Can't believe he is simultaneously the oldest person I've known and the biggest child too. Guess that's the dichotomy of him that also made him endearing to me. Oh well. He shall never have that soft corner again. My bad. Back to picsssss.
Meeting S after so long. Hehe. I like our friendship. He is my oldest friend. That's fuckin crazy. Knew him from when he wore those tiny school uniform shorts hahahha.
Damn man. Time flies. But I love equations that endure. Never thought ours will but here we are.
Sometimes it's nice to have a good equation with someone even when it's long distance. I enjoy this feeling tbh. We have both never crossed the line into being too close and that's good too. I suppose that's also what gives our equation its longevity. I get along with dudes pretty well and I think a large part of that maybe stems from knowing how reseved to be. Hehe. Like I even switch it up to being sisterly with a few and I guess it's cuz I don't mind being relied upon, but I definitely do not want that to be taken in any different way. I do enjoy the feeling of being relied on, it makes me feel centered.
~
I love trustful equations man. He is one of the few folks I actually just implicitly trust and that feels nice. He has always made the decent choices as far as I've known him. Hmmm. Esp the one where he simply told me "i'll never speak to AM again" after I told him about AM's misbehaving. It was one of the first times in my life a guy just implicitly took my side. Could have cried that moment haha. That cemented my belief that he is a good friend and I will forever be grateful for it.
~
I read somewhere today about how peaceful it feels to not be in a household that's loud, argumentative and toxic. Growing up, I was always trying to shut myself off in some room somewhere so I can avoid conflict. I know he comes from a toxic home as well and had his own set of issues he had to grapple with. But he turned out good. I think so have I.
Now, as an adult life is peaceful and I take that for granted. I hope I have the luxury of always doing that forevermore. Guess I have to consistently choose nice people consciously for that.
~
I never thought too deeply about the illiad, but now when I do, the anger of Achilles being the divine part of him makes so much sense.
I feel sometimes there are things in this world that can only be felt. And it's so intangible that words can't quite capture it. Hehe. Words. What are they except labels we put on the world, in our human quest to describe it all. The quest for order, familiarity and a way to not stumble in the dark.
Hmmm. I want to capture this perspective, but just not today.
Only works if you are a nutjob. Hehe. Well not really, but still. It's an interesting concept, but I also don't exactly buy into it. I mean.... Hmmm.
Well idk. I think being a ruler in itself is such a pointlessly pathetic ambition to have. I just find it tough to imagine someone who covets that can simultaneously be deep enough to think of its perils and philosophise on it. But that's my take what do I know? No ruler that's for sure.
I respect sports and science and people who like to solve problems and do something worthwhile. Ruling is just such a pathetic waste of time. Maybe Dionysius was correct in his assessment, but at the end of the day why tf did you need to choose that. Who is that dude who retired to grow gardens? Forgot his name but he seemed like he had the right idea. Just have enough material wealth to ensure autonomy. Then chill the fuck out and do what you will. Issa enough.
I love
Jazz might just edge out all other genres for me. Damn. Imma be an old soul clutching my wine spritzer when I feel girly, and an old fashioned when I feel deep. Just the one, since capacity dictates more would give me a hangover for the ages. But damn man. This song. So subtle, so good. And the way he intros it. Wow.
~
Let's do Stella by Starlight next. Hehe. It opens like someone is parking an open top convertible at night. Right outside a jazz bar.
I wish I knew someone I could enjoy jazz with. Someone who actually loves the music. Not in a way where it makes them feel special and unique, but just actually, truly like it. Noone I know really gets it. That's sad. But maybe I just haven't met the right sorts.
~
I'm gonna listen to this and read some Fischer. Hehe. Will I be able to concentrate? I don't know. Painting is easier with music. It flows. Maybe that then. Let's see. Been so long. My one inborn skill haha. I shall pursue thee again soon.
Love,
Me.
~
Think my fav still is Autumn 🍁 s. Jazz drumming is so subtle yet so brilliant. Oh the tease. Wear a plaid dress and dance somewhere not in the spotlight.
~
Hahahha my old fav from when I was 12. Loool. Oh maaaan. Those silly tapes which I used to record what a throwback. Hahahah. LOVE. 😘
My feed is so filled with depressing news like all of the time. What is this world even coming to like. Genuinely shocking. Hope this phase ends soon. Tired of stupidity.
~
Kindness and consideration is now top of my list of things to look for in people. I don't think I can even look in the direction of anyone who lacks that anymore. Weird. It was something I never really thought about before but now it just hammers into me how important it is.
~
Well, atleast I know for sure I would not chase that or anything now. I think in general it's good practice in life to wait and see who makes an effort in the right way, and there's no point in letting that slide. It's important to have that one baseline that's always met. I don't want to ever feel skeptical or unsure of that ever again.
~
I guess the bottom line is I'm saying no to making an effort ever again for someone who doesn't do the same for me. I've been realising this more and more that over the course of my life I've been happy and generous in the effort bit and I suppose one way to weed out terrible people is simply to let go of anyone who can't or won't. It's just not worth it. I'd rather people who mean well, who are comfortable with who they are and more importantly, who are happy with themselves enough to be able to be nice as default enter my life. Hmmm. I guess why I'm so adamant is also cuz I've reached this weird crossroads where I feel like if I have to dilute this thought and make an effort on my own, then is that person really worth it? Like is anyone who makes you/ manipulates you to dilute your standards as opposed to just raising their level to be good just so they make you accomodate them really worth it? I don't think so. I think when someone tries to make another person do all the work, they automatically just end up filtering out people with self respect and whatever is left is just... Idk. I don't like knocking folks but I just don't think a happy healthy equation can result out of someone seeking to manipulate and forgo effort on their part. And a huge part of lasting equations is valuing people. Otherwise it's just trash. Fuck it yo. I guess that's my line in the sand and I shall not overstep. Funny. It's hard for me to not make effort because I'm simply so attuned to doing so. However, it will never again be for someone who doesn't bring decency, humility and genuineness to the table. Fuck it dude. People who genuinely care will always figure out a way to keep you in their lives and actively work towards making that happen. Rest you should simply chuck. Not worth it at all.
I suppose it's like workouts, the harder ones are more rewarding in the long run. I don't want anything that's not genuine and I don't want anything that seeks to make me compromise. I just don't want it. It is what is it. Guess that means goodbye, finally. Well. Blah. I am done.
~
Cheers to that, and let's move on. 🥂
~
Amen, goodbye, and let's go. 🚀
Reading about Jota and turns out my friends' colleagues' wife also passed away. Just like that. 2 months old wedding and one accident and she is gone.
It's just so scary to know.
The last few years have been marked by losses, my aunt, granny, my old friend. It's very sobering. I genuinely feel like life is so finite and you literally never know what might happen. From time to time that messes me up. It's not about me but I just don't want anyone I love to ever be in any kind of trouble or hurt. Damn man. Heh. I so get why people believe in god. You just want to feel like someone's watching over your loved ones.
~
Hmmm.
~
In the words of Mourinho... I have nuzzing to say.
~
Mofo dude. Like not wearing seatbelt just so scary and preventable. And her husband must now just have to live with that guilt. Fuck dude. It's just so sad. I was so shocked and horrified at the small fender touch I had the other day with that driver and it unsettled me and put me off of driving for a bit. Learning about this does nothing to help damn.
~
Stuff like that has genuinely made me assess and reprioritize my life.
I am in a slump. Very listless. Can't tell if it's simply lack of Vit D lol.
~
Everyday I read the news and find it ever so depressing. Just. Maybe I should just go somewhere else for a bit. Grandmoms death anniversary also coming up in September. Damn. It's already been a year. Time flies.
~
Still listless and no idea why.
~
Wimby looking slick. That's actually nice. A dash of purple and a whole lot of green. 💚 💜
~
Still listless ugh. Maybe I should drink some wine and read some pushkin that's it. I actually loved queen of spades very cool. I found it quaint and sweet once upon a blue moon when someone asked me not to drink. Now I want to just because lol. Pettiness. Hehe.
~
Ugh. July is already here wtf.
~
Imma listen to Na Zare.
~
Music. You are my first love. Life is worth experiencing solely for you. From the bottom of my soul I love you. Kisses.
~
Damn. Goddamn synthwave catching me everytime. Heh. Wonder what my lastfm looks like these days. Once upon a time it was a perfect match iirc.
~
Heh. Russian lit and Russian pop. Too bad I don't like vodka.
Sometimes it's just fun to see fabi get destroyed by a bot. Hehe. Idk why but it's soooo dickish to feel pleasure in that, that I low key don't mind it.
Interesting though, even with rook odds he loses even with increment. Only one draw so far. Fun to see someone so strong take on bots tbh. The games are genuinely nice. Diskishness aside, damn what a beast fabs is.
~
Ugh. That minor thing really weirded me out on him though. Idc how well someone plays a board game, real life behaviour always trumps any prowess. Ugh. Puke.🤢
~
Ooo hiki managed two checkmates wow. That's amazing.
~>
Let me just try for 2100 bullet fuck it.
~
Ok 2076 and rematched with a couple of 2100s. I like when they offer rematch even when I'm losing that's cool. Could have won except time gone interesting. I can actually hold my own esp against that 2200. Nice. Damn. Haha completely forgot rapid for this. Something about that endurance thing when you lock in just feels damn nice.
~
Oh god. Seeing Yoos rant and that's crazy fuck. Damn man. He has massive issues wtf is he even saying. Ugh. I don't know how to process this. I don't. I had loved loved loved that tennis vid so damn much and now seeing how that kid turned out just hurts like this is so far away from normal. He seems deranged and dangerous.
~
I don't know the guy at all, but something about happy kids growing up to be disturbed just feels so messed up. Maaaan...I feel bummed out. Like soooooo many people out there and the oneeeee memory that made me happy has to get tainted so fucking hard like. You know what. Just. It's honestly just fitting. truly. Ugh. Fuck this.
