Changes

"Narcissists were taught in close personal relationships there is something called power."

Damn... That is such a powerful dialogue and so true. Everyone who feels insecure seeks power in relationships cuz they can't imagine that they can just be loved as they are. 

The lecture on this left me with quite a few thoughts. Why do some people accept bad partners? Because they believe that's all they should get? Because it feels familiar? Could be. 

I noticed at times how C and some boys I know simply can't admit to not knowing anything. How they are so prone to talking over someone and try to compete even when someone isn't trying to compete with them. They can't stand the idea that they are wrong or rather inadequate. Even when that quizzer asked me some question that I was answering, that guy kept talking over me and trying to say the same thing yet didn't actually know the solution. I used to get irritated by it but I've since just chosen to not pay attention to it. 

And that's still an annoying traits at best, but if you have some constant need to be the best in front of a crowd and your partner, to their detriment too... Then idk. That's not the greatest way to be. 

Lol. M still is able to deal and she doesn't care about these traits. That's nice. I guess what she said about trade off helps. 

I too have struggled with the idea of being accepted for just who I am at times. But never so severely that I'd put up with toxic partners. Basically, your parents must have done some shite job as a parent if as an adult the love you accept is shitty love. Or rather, it's not even love at all. Just toxicity. 

Would I ever entertain a person like my mom as a partner? Probably not, atleast not unless I'm shown value and care in a way that makes me feel seen and secure. Around her, I felt like my emotions went unacknowledged for large parts of my life. Not fully, but enough to make me feel not validated. And I guess I do now seek wholesomeness and kindness as the most prominent traits. At the very least atleast in words and gestures I wish to feel safe and cared for. Acknowledging me as a person is the one thing I can't do without. Plus you should be able to be honest about what you think and feel without fear of pushback or invalidation. I make a conscious effort to ensure people feel safe with me and can tell me whatever is bothering them. I would like the same in return too. 

A lot of people have opened up to me about this kinda stuff. Even S's sister who is so much older than me, told me a whole bunch of stuff when I met her last and it was just the second time we met. I recognise now how trusting they must be of me to be able to openly share this kinda stuff. I've even suspected that maybe M has had some issues in his life that have been quite difficult. I mean tbh it's kinda obvious. At times earlier, I guess I was so used to people opening up that I kinda just expected him to as well. Hmmm. But then I realised that if someone feels soooooo compelled to keep things to themselves, then it's okay...it's not nice to push them into sharing. It reminded me of my earlier self when I'd get all defensive and aggressive if I felt someone was encroaching on something I held precious. While I wish he didn't feel that way, it's still his journey and I wouldn't like anyone to feel imposed upon I guess. He has this thing where he is constantly just fearing attacks. I used to feel like I'm walking on eggshells earlier because of it, but now I feel a lot more relaxed. Just figured whatever happens, happens. You don't have to be a different person for someone to feel comfortable, if they don't feel it the way you are, then maybe it's just something that can't be helped and that's fair too. Hmmm. Having said that, we will only be friends long term if he loosens up and opens up a little bit and shows me care too. Can't be some one way street forever also, that's not fair to me and I can't be expected to be understanding all the time. At the end of the day, whatever bad experiences he may have had, I didn't cause them, and I should not have to pay the price for stuff others did. Viewing me with a sus lens is shitty, it's like Kramnik just accusing people for no reason lol. There's a bunch of things he needs to make up for I feel sometimes, even if I chose to let it go. I wouldn't be able to trust him fully otherwise, and that part is very important to me too. I can't make room for paranoia. Guess he can figure that out on his own. Oh well. Time will decide. 🤷‍♀️

I do feel sorry though, for people who were raised so badly that it took them ages to break away from that influence. I understand how messy that must have been. 

Hope they do overcome all this stuff, it takes a bit of work but once done, it feels great. 

The more I've cleaned up and cleared my own lens, the more I find just ease and clarity and genuine solid footing. And the best part is simply that I don't have any fear or even an inclination to think that way, now I'm just like yeah okay we shall see and I trust I'll just be able to make the correct decisions. Was a troublesome two years that got me here, but these are changes that stick so I'm quite proud of it. 😬♥️