God and devil are the perfect example of yin and Yang to me. All the time, there's just this quest for balance in everything all the time. Rarely have I ever come across people who crave balance, those who do are usually unbalanced asf. The mysteries of life. Stuff we crave the most defines us. 

And then I think of someone sweaty and how it would be to have sex with them right as they are. 

We are all so basic, so utterly mundane, wanting the same old thing then some more. From Mephistopheles to wanting a sweaty you, I sure am basic. Meh. And now my knee hurts, and I'm unable to sleep. Perfect.

~

Beat a 2100 and still had tunnel vision and missed fucking mate in two. Why don't I ever think and play man sheesh. It's so annoying to think you played well only to discover it was stupid asf. Ugh. Two knights mate that too gah! Ffs. The only thing that makes it better is seeing that Howell grind forever and stills stay 28 hundo lmao. Me being bitchy to let off steam hahahah fuck it and fuck him also. Fuck everyone and this stupid game to boot. 🥾

~

Even magnus takes time to think and play and here I am making 4 moves in 2 seconds like a fucking fool. Ugh. I'd be so much better if I was just not so impatient. Pathetic. 

20k words. Halfway through to a novella. I have to get this done! I'm structuring it as I go, I like the architecture part of this more than the actual writing lol. Building stuff is just so good and fun man. Understanding the why is always very rewarding. Hope I can finish this soon, would like to add a few illustrations to it as well. Then I can start working on my novel too. Gotta chop out distractions as we go, it's insane how many there are these days. Never a moment to get bored in, that's nuts. 

~

Speaking of which the sheer number of calls I'm getting today aaaa. Driving me crazyyyy!! 

~

Put Howell on yesterday while I was working just to get some bg white noise. It's interesting how that simply serves as a fidget spinner at times lol. Hehe. I find it hilarious that he just hates multitasking, tanks rating then goes on benders to regain it. Very therapeutic and relatable tbh. Haha. He also wants to be an independent creator, thinks he could have been like levy. Interesting how that guy is the gold standard in social media creation. Man, before pandemic I had no interest in chess whatsoever. Crazy to think what a 180 it has been. Good or bad, I'm glad it's a part of my life. I can't particularly share my interests with most people but it feels nice that I have stuff to keep myself occupied with that I enjoy. Years ago I decided I spend too much energy on people and decided to taper some of it off. Now that I have, I find days more enjoyable. That's good. Drama in doses is fun but never more than can be handled. Learning to be selfish lol. About time!

~

I have to read too zomg. A MOUNTAIN BECKONS!!

~

My insta just acts up randomly these days. It randomly removes the status update circle from some names. I wonder why it does that given I don't actually view people's stories. Weird.

15000 words done. Feels good. I can wrap this stuff up by next week. Holy cow I'm gonna be done with a novella. And it's simply for practice. That feels good. And I'm so damn tired rn. Hehe. I gotta churn out more. People talk about Brandon Sanderson churning out pages and pages and it's pretty incredible the volume he works at. 

~

I need foooood. 

Sometimes you find out something so heinous and terrible about a person that you lose all liking for them, and it's simply irrevocable. Sucks, but such is life. 

Marshall is soooo cute!!! Omg. Barked at me for sitting in his spot aaaaa. What a cutie man fuck.  Cheered me right up! Doggies are the bestest. 

~

Watching gossip girl again lmao. It's the best brainless show to see when you feel zonked. Haha. Still can't stand blair and her constant backstabbing. I remember A and I used to see it during uni and she liked blair and I liked serena back in the day. I never realised why she related to her so much. Cuz she would behave exactly like that zomg. Completely missed that back then. But wow. Relating to that backstabbing was unreal. Crazy. Haha. 

Idk if anyone on this show is redeemable but over time I think mostly just chuck was someone I could atleast accept was loyal to everyone, so him. Haha. The biggest degenerate. It was weird how sexually ambiguious I used to find him though, never found a single dude attractive on this show. Didn't like Nate, he was too perfect, like a Nautica or an Old Navy ad. Not my type, esp the banging married women bit. Roofus was a doofus. Dan was a prat. It's weird but I think for me it's the personality that dominates attraction, I can't like a guy just cuz cute. Hehe, maybe that explains my lust for Cumberbatch and Jesse Eisenberg. 

" A heartfelt letter? Who spayed you man?" Hahahahah fuck. He has the best lines.

Oh fuck I just realised the lady who played Georgina passed away. Oh damn. Crap. Daaaaamn. 

Ok no words. :(

Out of all times of the day, I dislike afternoons the most. It's such a weird time. I dislike the sluggishness of it, the fact that everyone seems in a semi stupor, like a pause before evenings, which I love. 

The sheer mental boredom I feel at this hour is unmatched. 3 pm is usually the bane of my existence. Begone, quick!

~

Dream Journal

Had a strange but nice dream, we went to some hotel like thing ... Me and idk someone was there who I vaguely remember... Was under renovation and I was bored and it had a newly restored restaurant that looked super old world. They had a buffet my friend wanted to check out and I kinda wanted to loiter around. True to form I also checked lichess in the dream to see someone tank their bullet rating to 2500 haha. Then went back to exploring the place. It felt like something straight out of the 60s, everything was plain and had newspapers laying about. Columns in the middle of the room, white and imposing, yellow walls, plants everywhere. A place that would deffo serve cherries jubilee and rum soaked puddings that someone lights on fire before serving you.

I like dreams that have a stress on architecture like this. Heh. The place was near a beach and had some very rustic spots. Maybe I had to pee that's why there was water lol. Who knows. Stupid inception ruining water bodies like that. Oops.

~

I want more nice dreams and waking up early to the coolness of the mornings. Do I dare think I can wake up early enough to go out for a run?

I do not dare. 

Stupid stomach bug. I hate it. First time experiencing an actual stomach ache like what even is that. 

~

Spoke to bro for 2+ hours was sooo nice. Hehe. Woke me up and then trashed me for being grumpy lmao... I love sibs. Just. Sometimes I wish I had like 3-4 it would have been soooo nice. Haha. Just sitting around pranking people and being annoying would have been suuuper fun

~

Ugh. Watched one game of his guys', was thinking what if bd6 works, then he played it and then boom there was a counter, then he didn't check and gave up bishop and it lost on the spot. I am annoyed he lost. Can't even play half as well as him but it irritates me even now nonetheless if he loses. Haha. Fuck. The only person I'd grudgingly like to even see beat Sadler is him, as much as I love and respect old man. I miss seeing Sadler play tbh his chess is so darn beautiful. Hmmm. I'll get some wine and read his blog for a while maybe. Jeez. I really think he had it in him to atleast be at old man's level if he gave it his all. I know it would have been an excruciating journey to undertake but it I suppose I feel... Eh fuck it. No fondness for this person. Go play stupid moves idc. 🙄 Lose more also. 🖕🏼🖕🏼

~

Omg there's a doggie called bingo here. BINGO! Awwwieeee... How cute. Patooties. Ugh. Love it. 

 It's like I've forgotten how to play chess completely 

Voicing out all I felt over the last couple of years and I don't particularly feel too good over it, in fact rereading it makes me feel low key sick. 

Heh...it's weird to be in a spot like this. I know I'm not going to address any of these things with her, because I know there's no point in it. Fuck it. Feels surreal, because I know there's an ending hidden in there somewhere. But meh. 

~

Let's stuff it in some big box and pretend it doesn't exist. 

Like we always doooo!  

In the midst of periods, stomach ache, and generally wanting to fucking die, seeing young Nadal pics gave me so much joy lmao

Just. No notes, just a heartfelt Mama Mia! 😭 ♥️

 Feels like I've become a tad bit slow. Strange. 

I do not like this feeling one bit. How to reset? 

Ugh. And I feel sick, stomach hurts like crazy. Wtf did I eat? Ughhhhh. I hope my eggs are not spoilt 😔. Oh maaan hurts so much I can't think.

~

Damn, I've never woken up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache before. Wtf yo.  Feeling so weird and uneasy 

I am making such silly mistakes that I'm now back to being super annoyed at myself. 💀 Tanked 100 straight points istg I better get to atleast 2200 to make up for this bullshit

Worries

I worry about people all the fucking time. Mom was telling me she thought I called her when she was out. And I realise that I actually do that a lot. When she travels, when dad travels, even when bro travels. One time I was annoyed when he didn't tell me he was in turkey also lol. Hahah fuck that earful I wanted to give him.  

Hehe. I guess I just enjoy babying people. 🍼🐣Not actual babies, just people. Oh good lord, a baby peed on my face once hahahaha. Boy babies. Always causing chaos. Didn't even know what to do just held him like simba while he peed across the room hahahaha fuck. Oh man. He grew up to be such a naughty kid too, I recall him trying to ignore his mom when she scolded him and act extra loving to whoever else was present to make her jealous. Loool. How can small kids be so full of personalities, it's actually quite interesting to see. 

~

Aaaah. I'm turking for some good chess content tbh. Playing like shit need some good inspo lol. Where is Sadler? I miss following his games too. Ugh. Old man not playing enough lol. Fuck dude, being 50 and being so damn good esp at bullet even now it's insane. 

I NEED INSPO!!!

For the first time, trying to schedule something for a decade from now. Heh. I hope this Lil niche of mine stays intact for ever. And I hope I come across that post ten years from now. Wow. That will be something. I'm curious to find out where and how life would be then. I hope it's great. May peace and love find us all, and in the darkness light the way.

Playing rapid again so badly I wish to scream lots and also throw things. I fucking hate losing

Hiccups

These stupid silly things are so damn cute to me. I love it soooo much! Haha. I want someone to give me this lmaooo.  

Hiccups! Right on cue! 

They say you hiccup when someone is thinking of you. So right at this moment, whoooo is thinking of me? 😬 Better be something nice lol. 

~

Do I dare restart gardens of the moon? I really wish to know why people love this book but it is so doggone tedious. Just feels stupid asf, the writing is a drag and yet people praise it to high heaven and compare it to lotr so like.... Wuuut. 

Snap, snap

I am quite irritated at the moment. There's so many folks who snap at people whenever the feel like and I've avoided that all my life.  But I've started realising that's it's important to voice out irritation to people otherwise it just ends up festering. So who can I snap at? 😤

~

Ugh. Should just go for a run, but I'm so scared of overdoing it and then injuring myself yet again. Argh. Annoooooyyyyyyyed. 

~

Oh hey, T is streaming. Hmmm. I can atleast put it on in the bg, his music always soothes. Also, I like his work ethic so much. Smart, humble and has the right principles. That's a rarity these days. 

Hmmm. I suppose I could watch Howell, it's been ages since I saw one of his vods. Maaaan... In a sea of petty weirdos atleast he seems like a normal bloke, lord I hope he doesn't turn out to be a nutter too lmao. Here's hoping. 

~

3 more days till periods it says gah. Lol. I feel like snapping at that guy also haha. Fuck. Just because.  

I am a hater today. I shall own this for the next few hours. If he pops back to read this... Pls know I hate you vvv much. Like lots. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Aaaaaa. Suck it, world! Everyone sucks. 😤

~

I hate a barnacle as no man ever did before - Charles Darwin. 

I agree with you, Sir! Stupid Barnacles.

~

Imma listen to Worakls...Chateau La Coste concert. Make me feel good, french musician san. Pls. And I want some 🥟 dumplings and some 🍫. Boo. And to cry. Ugh. Periods should come tonight, they better. 

~

Waking up after this rant and I dreamt of a vampire trying bother me lmaoooo. Ohhh boy hahahah. The oddities of life and sleep

I love fauda, I really do. Dammit. All the actors are great too. I'd like to travel to Israel someday, it looks so beautiful. C was also saying he spent some time there, and it was really nice. 

~

I feel like some places in the world carry so much history that it becomes one of the ancient seats of civilization. There's a sense of awe and beauty in it that defies definitions. I think I want to spend time there and some other parts of the world too. That's how I'll spend retirement, just exploring. The seven ancient wonders, try to find them. Heh. That would be a nice quest. 

Waking up at 5.30 am, no distractions and getting work done for 4 hours straight. I could start writing inspo posts with hashtags. 

#TimeIsMoney #CeaseTheDay

~

Still, it's not bad, it's actually fun. And then I can play my post lunch bullet too haha. #Optimise

Jesus. Seeing an ep of fauda and one of those kids looks exactly like a young naroditsky. Shit dude. Oh I feel bad again. That was so sudden. RIP man, yet again

I am loathe to do a run today. Just do not want to. Want to just snooze, and cycling feels tedious too. Why so lazy?

~

Ugh. Cycled for an hour just because. Damn, it's slow compared to running. I don't mind it outside but on the stationary bike it's quiiiiite lengthy. Maybe I'm just moping and cribbing cuz pms lol. Fuck it. Mopes it is! I don't even want to shower lolol. Yukky 

Driving in traffic is so ridiculous sheesh. Cannot believe how long I was stuck. 

~

It was good to see dad here for a change. A short trip, but nice. I'm glad. Everyone seemed to get along too. I noticed how he likes it when people are being smiley and sweet. And how much my mom's behaviour actually makes him want to run off lol. It's strange how one person's insecure reactions just end up being traumatising for someone else. These kind of harsh emotions and constant negative bs is such a relationship killer man. If they were my gen, he would have fucked off long back. Hmmm. Sobering thought. Oh well. Time to put all this aside. 

~

I have so much writing to finish good lord. Backlog is crazy. Need to really just drill down and get stuff done. I want to badly publish a few kids' novels. Damn. 

~

I love fauda. Lior raz is so good at making shows. Soooo good. I like how distinct all the men on this show look, and the women are simply stunning. So, so beautiful. Raz scamming on every pretty one every season too lmao. Perks of being the writer and showrunner haha. Just gives himself make out scenes for no reason. 

~

7 more days till periods and I'm already experiencing my pms cramps jesus. My uterus is hatin on me why why why

~

Haven't played at all today, but saw someone get 27. Interesting. 

Some mornings you wake up early and photos sends you a cute album. Hehe. I don't have too many pics as a kid but the few I do are so nice. 

 

~

 

I was such a weirdo lmao. Maybe still am, but who cares haha. I like seeing how happy I was. I distinctly remember absolutely loving being a child. Always in my own world, wanting to chill with friends and in general just lost in imagination. 

I used to love my weird outfits too, so fun. Can't find a single pic with a normal one lol

 Dammit 2 beers and I feel high. Lol. And I feel so much fondness for someone I should not.

Ugh. UGHHHH. 

One of the legit mysteries of life for me is not knowing why this one person matters to me so much that I feel like being my best self for them, wanting to just do more and be more and just be responsible. I've never felt like being responsible so completely towards someone before...now for once in life I do. I don't know where that thought takes me, but it definitely has put me into this trajectory of wanting to be very responsible towards them, a burden I was so reluctant to undertake for anyone else lmao. Hehe. I like that tbh, I like knowing that I wish to come through for someone. Finding a core drive is always a good thing, and I feel this one will pay dividends in the long run. It's the spark I was missing forever. 

With or without you. Maybe you were just a conduit...it'll be a shame if I simply forget who you were someday. Oh well, what can anyone say. I mean I could say a lot. Drunk enough to feel affection but not enough to feel anything more. That's good, I like knowing how streamlined my feelings are now. I shall never sell myself out for anyone ever again. 

Sic vita est, vita bona est. 

Watching a davis cup match today woohoo. Omg. I'm so glad tennis is a part of my life. Feels good.

~

This was fun! 

Maaan. I wanna go to more tourneys. AO next year! ♥️🤌

~

~

A beer after a long day and NOW I WANT YO WAYCH GOSSIP GIRL CUz I'm drunk let's goooooooooooo

I love this show so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺♥️♥️♥️

~>

Rufus is a doofus

~

Omg drunk bullet with GG in the BG let's fucking gooooo

~

God I hate Blair. I hate her soooo much that stupid prissy attitude, that controlling bullshit that fucked up repressed asf personality jesus what an atrocious character yuck. 🤮

~

Heh.

I know you love me. 

Xoxo

💋 

~

I could so easily write a book like this. Frivolous, satirical and oh so fun to masterbate to. Emotionally ofc. 

Freakin jam jars yo. How quaint. Jesus. I loveeee them. Ughughugh. Heyyyy ugh has a hug in it. OMG. SO CUTE! UGH. 

~

I NEED TO PAINT JARS

~

Taking of jams and there's a huge one outside my house today lmao. How annoying 

Jam

I am going to sketch jam jars. They look so damn pretty and wholesome that I simply must. 

Ugh. I mean... Just look at that so pretty!

I am going to recreate this raspberry one tonight when I get some time to spare.

Crossroads

When your heart isn't willing, but your... Ugh fuck even mind isn't willing. Why? Lmao. WHY? 

~

I know I should but I do not want to, why this hold on me ya? 

Crazy.

Well, we can't term them crossroads then, can we? More like a one lane highway going straight sans exits. 

Pathetic, I am pathetic. Bah, humbug. 

~

FUCK IT. 

~

A bday selfie to preserve a year gone by. Unvarnished, as it should be. 

 Really like this

I think I'm gonna create something like this and ship it to bro for his bday. It'll be nice. And I hope he likes it lol. Hmmm. I should think of something in diff colours for him maybe. 

This is so simple and heavily inspired by Picasso and Frida both. I do like the cohesiveness of it and the colours, even if it's easy to make once you get the idea of it. Hmmm. Dammit I wanna paint a big canvas it's been ages. Lmc what I can do. 

Kasuti

I am in love with this embroidery style. Just love it, the subtleties, the geometry, the understatedness, the cotton fabric it's on. 

Never worn sarees but some are just so pretty man. Legit. Hehe, maybe I'm finally not a tomboy and can one day try something more graceful and feminine. I suppose my tastes are a fair bit feminine but not ultra so. I'd like to try it out a little bit sometime. 

~

There's so many artforms in this country, esp regional ones. I love that. Phulkari, some of the Kutch embroidery, ikat prints ooof. 

Geometry, always has my heart. ♥️ And this fabric is divine just so subtle and gorgeous. I want!

~

Got ai to generate something depicting love and care towards someone in this style. It's really cool what all it can do and so quick. 

Whew. Feb is already here wuuuut. There's so much to get done this month. Kinda overwhelming but also feels good. 

In the middle of so many moving parts now. It feels nice. 

~

Seeing old pics and it's been fucking ages since the pandemic man. What a time that was, just changed everything. Hmmm. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I really, truly, deeply wish to make it count and I am very much looking forward to it now. Finally, huh? Took me fucking forever. 

~

Going back to reading master and margarita, had paused it halfway.  I really like how quirky this book is, esp the bits about Pontius Pilate and Jesus. Abrahamic religions place so much value on sin and doing the right thing, it's an interesting contrast with more eastern ones that value liberation from earthly cycles. Some are so essentially human focused, the others of spirit. I've never felt like you need a concept of religion or god to do the right thing, maybe that's why I keep coming back to. 

"Is the pious loved by the gods because it is pious, or is it pious because it is loved by the gods?" 

I always lean to the former articulation, since to me it means doing the right thing for its sake is the highest good and you can be an atheist and still love it. You can be looking at a North Star that god itself wishes to love and strive towards. There's something very humbling about that thought to me, a way to honor the divine and the cosmos by paying homage to what feels like the essense of life. 

I could be completely wrong about it too, but even if I am, it's okay because not harming someone and trying for virtue is an end unto itself. Hmmm. I really should put another semi philosophical book into the roster once I'm done with this one. It's good I found an audiobook but unfortunately I fall asleep when I listen lmao. Haha. It takes me like 3 mins and poof, I'm asleep. Same thing happened when I tried meditation just straight up fell asleep every.single.time. 

Okay, I should try to tackle this book today. Atleast finish ten pages. Let's gooooo. 

~ 

Oh hey T is online I can just switch on his strem and use it as radio. Heh. Using the guy who codes lichess as bg radio was never a thing I thought I'd be doing but here we are. I'm sure he would like that too tbh. Heh. He genuinely seems like a good dude too. I hope he is one... God knows my faith in humanity needs some restoration. Tiny steps.

~

¥ØU$UK€ ¥UK1MAT$U

This is what he decided to play to wake up, this. This. Hahahhaha what the fuck aaaa. Omg I can't stop laughing at how unhinged this is, there goes my quiet reading session fuck. NVM!

Dream journal

Had a nice dream of going on some sort of a fantasy adventure with NGC and for some reason a person resembling tari lmao. Idk what he was even doing in the background haha. It felt nice, we were looking for something. I bet it's some weird movie paraphrasing but I cannot remember what it is. I really liked it

In bed by 8 and just whiling away time. What a long day it was today. Crazy, with a dash of almond brittle. Bday stuff lasted quite a while, it was good. I really enjoyed myself this year. I'm glad. Got such a nice gift too. Zomg. The entire set. Maaan. ♥️ My friends are the best! 

I'm glad I have people in life that care about me and wish to do well by me. Ever since I made a conscious effort to prioritise only those who are, life has become very streamlined. That's good. I guess I should have kept things like that from the start, but what is life without some stupid asf mistakes, huh?

~

Aaand summer is already going to start wtf yo. This heat will be tough to deal with on runs. Can't believe I actually have to buy ORS now, also pickle juice lmao. I'm gonna try that if I get cramps haha. 

I really am looking forward to better runs. It's one of the things that is becoming the highlight of my day. All that cycling has paid off in that nothing seems monotonous after cycling good lord it is a tedious exercise haha. 30-40 min runs just pass by so quickly now though, the time perception has actually changed. And trying to cycle again feels like wowza it's taking forever. Still, I think it's good to have a mental ability to withstand tediousness. 

~

Also, Djoko. I felt so bittersweet. I knew it was going to be very difficult, and part of me wanted him to win the 25 as well. But all I'm genuinely left with is respect and humility and a sense of loss. With him retiring, the era of childhood and my first love of sports comes to a close. It's indeed very strange. I know all other players will rise but the feeling of loving and rooting for Roger and hating on Djoko and finding Nadal to be the bestest cutest ever is kinda in the past since I can't see them on court haha. I'm glad I got to witness it all, because as much as it is an era coming to a close, it still formed a huuuuge part of me. Heh. A sport noone around me followed, so I suppose in some sense it was very solitary but who cares. I wonder if P still loves tennis. Hehe. Bestie she was lol. Watching that speech where he thanked Rafa just brought tears to my eyes too. It's been soooo meaningful, truly. To see people strive and to root for them to get there. It was wonderful. I hope to root for everyone I love always. For the little things in life and the big ones. Hehe. Even if they boil an egg right I'd like to be there to say good job hehe. 

~

Cheers to beginning a new year of life, and here's hoping it brings many a milestones and happy moments with it. I hope I find my center. I really want to. :)

~

Falling asleep by 12 at night these days instead of my usual post midnight waking sessions. That's good. Who knows how long it lasts lol. The perennially elusive sleep cycles. 

~

Ugh this stupid djoko retiring has made me emotional wtf hahahah. I am still feeling like crying lil bit. Jesus. 

~

And this one for the current boy genius. That's one hell of a composition. Just love it. 

 That 25th was elusive but what an effort. All zverevs fault if only that fucker had managed to eliminate carlos, the outcome would have been different lmao. 

Heh, just missing roger in that frame.