We were talking about how much our early experiences shaped us. She hates the idea of being dependent on someone. Cuz she saw how humiliating it can be when the person you are dependent on decides to hold that over your head and be mean. 

I hate the idea of interacting with someone invalidating. I need to feel emotionally close and have a strong basis of trust in my equations. People who exploit that knowledge would be people I hate. 

More and more in life, I'm realising the need to be around people I can rely on and blindly trust. 

The kinda bond I had with J maybe. Atleast the emotional side of it was very precious to me. But it was also cuz he was a good man. Heh. I'm always going to be grateful for the fact that I realised in that time how great it feels to not just be treated well, but how comforting and sweet it is to be able to just have a cosy, trustful equation. There's a sense of friendship mixed with love and reliability in it that had my heart. We both used to celebrate each others' wins, talents and goodness, while helping the other if anything was wrong. Solid as a rock. Hehe. Getting over you was so painful, I loved you and the love you showed me so damn much. 

That's the kind of equation I seek in the end. I haven't found that sense of comfort with anyone since. I've definitely never felt mentally at ease or completely safe either. Hmmm. Well. It's a sad realisation but it's okay, I think it's good to be honest with yourself about certain stuff.