Year is ending in a few hours. I'm feeling bittersweet. But also looking forward to 2026 bigtime. This is going to be a good year, and I have a feeling I need to be prepped for all the changes hehe. Idk but I kinda just want a lot of milestones to come about this year. 🤞
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I hope the world sees more positive changes too. It's time things stopped being crazy haha. Oh well. I have a good feeling about this year, hope it's fantastic. Let's ring it in!
Oh wow I did not expect that status to pop up on lichess. Gave me a start, ngl. The sheer odds of me seeing that too like rarely ever do I click on lichess lol. Crazy.
On Christmas Eve, lichess giving jumpscares haha.
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I want to be happy, like truly, low key... cheerful and happy all of 2026. If that means going away, then so be it.
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Meddy is a fucking disappointment. Fuck yet again he decides to be an ass ugh. God.
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Interesting that Kyrgios got the most hype too. Heh... I guess kids love people like him, brash and outspoken. He really seems to be trying to make it as a tennis adjacent entertainer now. He probably will too, seems like.
🙄
Sometimes I feel like people need to be told 'Enough'. And to not be silly and/or crazy. Don't have to go to such deep lengths to fool me lol. It's weird to know someone is so deeply afraid of being judged.
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I like the date 9th December a lot. Two of my fav people growing up were both born on this day and I've always had an affinity for this date since then. Hope they are doing fine, as well as all the other crazy peeps out there.
Oh man. That feeling of finally doing the things you were afraid of is so damn good. I feel like I waited half my life for that first step haha. And now I'm thrilled. So thrilled ugh. And it was easy. Took me so long to build up the courage and now I finally have. Feels like a milestone.
Ooooh
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=dXqS5q3EsNw&si=bLQgz_EBdm2T14C-
Wow. New artists can make music woohoo
Poetry was never my thing growing up, too refined for my tastes. But there were a few that captured me and held me in their verses. Far from
Two works that always stayed with me. One of which, I carried around in my wallet for years and years.
Always prized freedom above all, things changed, views changed. I no longer equate freedom with being free of bonds and connections, nor does the idea of being responsible scare me.
And the latter... Haha... I loved it so! Tyger tyger burning bright. Heh. I recall wanting to quote this to someone then deciding against it cuz it's so corny too lmao. But who cares, I am corny maybe. I like being so.
Orange flames that flash past were my first vivid visualisation. Naruto had a similar will of fire which I subsequently loved. Tiny concepts held within art.
Ugh. Even now as I read this line... " And when the stars threw down their spears ". Like. Fuck sooooo damn... POETICCCC. ARGH.
I love words man. I love them deeply.
December has too much food ugh. Feels so stuffed.
Also, why tf is my neighbour upstairs running around at night lmao. I don't want to tell him to stfu but it's so annoying. Lmao. I'm becoming like the cranky adult that's irritated at minor inconveniences haha. Awesome.
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Oh man. The cyclone has really turned the weather crazy, raining at fucking 1 am like how does that even happen. Sheesh... I'm super duper coldddd
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Ooo I've to look up Hanukkah dates for the year. I'll wish M, it'll be nice to. I wonder if she celebrates it properly. Will find out.
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Music on days like these feels so great. I'm so annoyed that lastfm just started asking for random data, now I can't curate my listening sheesh. Oh well. Oops.
What a strange dream. Petting a baby snake and it curled up in my arm, bit me and slept off lmao. It was cute but also not harmful like a puppy that nips. Except it was a 🐍. Maaaan, dreams are so fascinating. I actually just love it when I remember them. It didn't even do anything to me, it just wanted to sleep and I wasn't scared either, just a slight discomfort made me realise it bit otherwise nothing. Like I knew it was friendly. Haha. Maybe I saw that vid of Steve Irwin and was rehashing that lol. Well, either way, it was interesting.
I'm 2k rapid. And it didn't really take much effort tbh. Hmmm. Interesting. So long breaks with bullet help hahaha. Ugh. I don't feel any sense of satisfaction though just feels like yeah ok big deal it's not a high rating. Plus I'm barely thinking even now, just a bit here and there.
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I'm not enjoying it at all tbh. Unless it feels like a challenge and not just blundering stupid pieces it's just not fun. I suspect it won't be fun until much later tbh. Even seeing 25ks just feels like meh this isn't great. 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
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I did love seeing Howell play though. That fucker is 27k fide like fucking unreal lmao. Ughhhh.
I'm not enjoyinggggggggg. 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩
There are times I simply don't understand people. And then I find myself at this weird juncture wherein I wonder if saying what's on my mind would be the right thing to do.
I see my friend telling me she has never shed a tear for a guy, and she used to laugh at her friends that did. And I'm baffled at how someone who is a divorcee says that. Putting that together with a lot of her other statements I'm just stuck thinking wow she is so immature and so irresponsible. Like that's it. And whatever weird fantasy world she constructs to justify her actions, at the end of the day I see it as a way to keep herself safe but also something that makes me feel sad for her. This isn't even living, it's just hiding in perpetuity. So that leads me to feel like going hmmm. Let her be in that world. It's maybe not for me to meddle in it. I know that I've distanced myself a lot. I can't stand her bf, that guy is such a loser. His stupid high pitched voice perpetually looking for ways to belittle everyone. Fuck. Lmao. God how how howww does she pick such losers yaaa. Which then makes me not want to engage with this again. What's the point anyway. I suppose one must just say to each their own and leave it at that.
Sad it is, but in the end one has to grow up.
Fuck yo. Marrying someone and not even being sad it ended is such a terrible thing to do like why would you marry that person in the first place. Sheesh. It's funny that a lot of people simply don't see that they are the problem. You have to grow up and fix yourself man. Not just blame the world all the time.
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Meh. Screw it. Time to simply focus on myself and what I want.
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Oooo can also be uoooo. Hooo newwww
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Can't believe this year is over that's CRAZYYYY
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Following London chess classic is so nice. I like how Sadler was soooo into discussing lines that he completely forgot to interact with people from start to end hahahahah. Fuck he just realised it now after 2 hours 😂. Oh man, I really like this, I admire the passion and dedication, I really do.
Tbh, even I hadn't realised he didn't say anything to anyone cuz I was so engrossed in following the games and lines. That was great! Hehe. And now, time to sleeeeeppp 💤😴
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Imma listen to lambada again then snooze tomo will be such a long daaaayyyyy!!
Loved it all my life and still do hehe. God, I wanted to dance like that so bad! Pure little joys.
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Ai yai yaiiii hahahahah omggg love this so muchhhhh
So cold and lovely. And that play sucked haha. Damn man. Why do people never write good plays? Even when the production quality is great and the acting is nice, it's the dialogues and the script that's soooo lacking. What a waste of driving so far. Oyster was good though. I like cold saturdays soooo muchhhhhh oof. Lovely!!! And it's gonna be foggy tonight, I can break out my woolly socks woohooo. I'm so happy about that!!
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Ooo Sadler commentating London chess. Wow, it's been ages... Legit my fav commentator. Fuck I remember switching off when Rensch commentated something once it was so awful. Haha. I was wondering why that was but now I get it. Sadler is just unadulterated, no fluff, just going through lines after lines. And he even covers open sections which is great. Simply just puts up a board and gets going. It's fantastic. Haha, hated that play but this chess analysis I can watch forever. Goody, I can just cuddle up and watch. Awesomeeeee.
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I had such a lovely daaaay. I'm so happy and cozzzzyyyyy at the moment. Oof. Love love love.
Getting woken up after a nightmare. That hasn't happened in a while. Hmmm lol. Man, what a dream that was. Feels like a sign. Lmaooo... Falling asleep listening to heidegger and waking up to that dream omg. I've never ever dreamt of this before like. Times like these I feel like eternal sunshine had a point. God, I hated that film. Haha. Feel like laughing now. Oy veyyy ughh.
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Oh wow third time this week I've burnt my hand also dammit. Tf is going onnnnn. 4 fingers have scorch marks now waaahhhhh. I'm turning into toast. 😔
81 times. Lol. In lieu of just saying hi. I don't care for scams tbh. I really don't. I'd say man jo but honestly like what's the point.
Fuck it. I'm gonna run 10k tomo. Just because. And it will feel glorious lol. Something about running just feels so damn good man. That rhythmic want to just go on and on. Fucking love it. Everything can get stripped away but when you naked with just you and the universe it feels like you belong.
Decided to bail on dinner to watch naruto hahahah. Fuck. Why am I like this? Lmao. Becoming all reclusive. Dammit it's been forever since I saw Naruto too. My first actual trust with anime. Watched fucking 200 eps in a week like a crazy person. 1st semester break hahaha. Oh man the days of slow internet and waiting for shit to buffer and those fillers you couldn't skip. 2 years this manga went on a break 😂. Damn, I love anime it's so fucking good.
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Damn that first Zabuza arc was stellar. Big 3 truly the best. I will watch all of one piece in my twilight years, pinky promise.
Jesus...what kind of evil is Kramms even fuck...Even today he is using Danya's screenshots to keep saying shit like the guy passed away and still this man is going. What the fuck even. I have never seen someone this unhinged in my life. This is so unsettling even to recieve as a notification. How does someone obsess over a dead person's videos after harassing them relentlessly when they were alive? I am so sorry for his family man. Just. I didn't even know the dude and it feels so puke inducingly inhumane like I can't even imagine what his mum and brother might feel if they say this bullshit. Fuck. If there is a god, may he bitch slap that ugly unhinged man. This is just unholy at this point like idek how someone can lose their minds this much. Grotesque.
Amen.
I am loving tales from the loop so much. And it's so completely fascinated by the story telling lol. Fuckign felt teary eyed for a robot lmao. Sheesh. It's so cute and so damn nice. Haha. I wonder why this show only has one season it's legit very sweet. They've managed to anthropomorphise robots for me lmao. Almost wept seeing it feels bad hahah. Man I'm a total wuss like serious.
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Sitting at T's wedding and playing bullet lol. Weddings are so fucking boring man sheesh. I just want gtfo lmao. Love him lots but damn.
Met Uthaiya also out of the blue didn't even know he was related to Mals. That's crazy. Seeing him after so many years. Still the same sweet smiley dude haha. It was my one impression of him years ago and it's still the same. Good to see.
Now, when can I leave? 😭
Omg my capacity is so bad now I can't even finish one tiny bottle of wine wtf. Who have I become? 😭
Talent that transcends everything.
I haven't really heard too much music lately but damn.
I love her so much. Every fucking note is precise.
So raw.
The only unfulfilled wish I have ever had is I can't sing like her lol.
Dammit. Music, save me when you can, won't you? No barriers between us.
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Fuck I love purity in emotions and things and people and myself.
Omg how is Adele so damn good sheesh. Incredible
Took 3 days and I got 2100 bullet. What did I achieve by this? Nothing. But idc. Eff it.
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Watching Howell for the first time and he is bummed out about Naro and talking about it. I recall him tearing up too a while back. Hmmm. Sucks, they were colleagues too so it must be unreal for him. And man, he is such a strong player, is barely thinking and hitting 28 hundo without even trying. Crazy. 2700 blitz otb like dayum. Monstrous strength. Hmmm.
I never realised how much I enjoy watching laid back chess tbh. I like this low key vibe and the games and everything. Iss nice. Barely ever see twitch now but I suppose every once in a while it's okay.
It's so hard to give up lmao. Fuck. I hate it. But then like an obsessed person I'll play haha. Fuck. Of all the unproductive things to do in life. Fml.
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Dad showing up with a leather jacket lmao. Too funny. It's nice. He is becoming so tiny as he grows older lol. Very cute ya. Wish he could stay longer but it's okay. Nice to see him around. It's good he is relaxing as he gets older too. Can be so cute and jovial. I like that.
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Ugh. Why am I so restless I feel like just running lmao. Just wanna tire myself outtttt. Literally the best feeling in the worrrrld is when everything hurts and you need to sleep it off haha
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Double ugh. Middle of the night and now I'm deep into Leviathan. Bc. One reco comes in my feed and then I look it up and now I'm reading ancient political theory. My soul wishes to vomit at these ideas too. Men just fall for grandstanding jesus. It's all about ego, ego, ego. So fucking simplistic. This book can literally be boiled down to 'one ring to rule them all' and a whole lotta flimsy reasoning which any power hungry despot will will glom on to thinking ah yes rest of mankind weak I greatest. Heh. I mean this is quite literally making a case for Sauron. And in the times we live in, the manifestation of Sauron is a scary asf prospect too.
Fuck dude. Time and time again I feel as if human lives in entirety get fucked over by the ramblings of insane men who just feed you some variant of 'wow yousa greatest ever' ideas and people just buy it like sheep and try to attain that. Power hungry sheep but sheep nonetheless. Fucking sheep man. Bleat bleat bleat and tweet.
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I'm dumbing this down to the point of comedic lows but in all seriousness the promise of glorious ideas is something that leads to so many people swayed by a quest that's destructive. At the end of the day every philosophy ends up in a bottleneck when it comes down to execution. Having buy in from everyone can only be done either via incentive or via force. Heh. The eternal quest of complete co-operation. Anyway, now that that's out of the way I can keep the hating aside and really think about this lol. I do find it supremely interesting lmao.
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And since when did this guy start quoting the old testament? Is he suddenly becoming religious? Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he has some traditional thoughts tbh. It used to be nice to imagine him as a tad bit traditional, like a rooted person. If only that person exists simply in my mind and not in reality haha. I still recall his stubborn refusal to wish back merry christmas like I was supposed to have dreamt up the idea that he is jewish lol. It was so puzzling at the time. Haha, but he still had to tell me finally cuz I also simply didn't understand it on my own. It's funny. The only time the idea of someone being a bit traditional didn't bother me was when it was him. I actually kinda hoped he was, it felt like it might be a quality you can rely upon at the time. How wrong was I? Heh. Very, very, very.
Oh well. Believing in god or not doesn't say anything about a person, it's the values you uphold and shape yourself by that do. Hmmm. Anyway.. back to 🐉.
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I wonder what ideas will survive a 1000 years from now... I wish I could time travel because I really want to know lol.
A cynic who wanted nothing more than to believe. And then he went crazy in that quest.
I've often wondered or rather looked at albeit academically at people who seem consumed by their passion and their fancies, knowing full well I'm simply not like that. I'm not sure how to structure these thoughts but I've oft felt like I'd rather keep myself in the middle of practicality than experience strong emotions? No it's not even that. It's disliking having emotions holding sway over everything. I like rationality in decision making. So looking at Ivan is so interesting, I keep coming back to him. He was so practical on the surface but he simply could not allow himself to believe and let go.
The questions that puzzled him don't puzzle me. The question of God and morality. You can do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, It's simply an ouroboros. So I just don't understand Ivan in that regard. Maybe he just wanted to really talk to god, rail at him and ask him why so much misery. Heh. To suffer is to suffer indeed.
I get Ivan to some extent but Dmitry and Alyosha. Never. Just so starkly different and yet equally foreign. Alyosha kinda used to scare me. Not anymore. I do think life is simpler and sweeter if you feel like someone is watching over you.
Dmitry? Lol. Not touching that.
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I like that I keep coming back to this book. I'm glad.
Missing someone sucks. It really does.
Ehhhh.
Idk. Whatever. Blah. Ugh.
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Naro's passing has made me feel very freaked out. The shock has gone away now but like... Idk dude. These chess peeps sometimes just seem so paranoid and crazy and idk I just hope the one I'm thinking of isn't the self harmy type. I also know he didn't like Naro so probably it didn't matter to him who knows. Maybe he didn't care at all. Heh. I don't know why but I always assume he is devoid of empathy.
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Lol, nvm. Putting up masks and all, seems to be having fun. Guess I was right, it likely doesn't matter to him. Whatevs. Never one to disappoint lol. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever cared about anyone. And some other times I feel like him and his friends probably just make fun of all this and all the stuff that's wrong with the world currently. Who can tell, not me for sure. 🤷♀️
How I yearned to see some semblance of purity in his soul only to find just deep callousness? How old fashioned of me to even want to glimpse purity lol. Silly asf quest. People always disappoint, it's in our nature after all. Biggest tragedy of my life that I simply can't seem to accept that. I suppose I shouldn't forget how mean all this was and how awful it made me feel. Still does, on the few occasions that I let myself think of it. And in light of what this year has turned the world into, it feels infinitely worse. People who teach their friends to leverage colour in order to get women interested in them are just... Idk bro. Scummy asf. And I should really not forget how easy it was for him. Along with all that hiding women etc.
Idk dude. Watching how K went on and on and even made jokes after danya passed was an unreal experience like there's such an empathy void in him, and he is so evil that even someone dying isn't enough to stop him. Seeing that makes me scared. People like that just exist. Damn. Yeah, I think simply not engaging with someone that refuses to be considerate is the way to go. All this constant vigilance and this waiting for niceness etc it's just too lame and taxing and what even is the point of that. That guy died waiting for someone to be kind to him man. That's what has freaked me out so much. And that person simply jokes when he passed like... And this person also didn't care when someone in my family passed never even asked how she was nothing...
Constant exposure to this will make anyone completely forget what niceness even feels like. I don't want that. Let people choose their ego, fuck it. My turn of making an effort is over, never again. Let's just call it a wrong turn in life and chuck it.
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Cheers to halloween and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. I used to think that ability was a superpower, now I just feel sorry for people like that.
What a sorry state of affairs that I have to intentionally remind myself of shitty things just so I don't ask someone hey how you given that someone died. Except it's not like they asked me ever so that's the shitty point I need to hold on to. Curb your enthusiasm indeed. Whatever. Fucking inhumane low.
Wake up bright and early, make coffee, sip it in sunshine, open news, see someone talk about fabi + teens, and then see the song linked about him being a hoe by that teen.
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LMFAOOOOO. Fuckkk. Hahahhaa. That song is sooo hilarious and like... Hahahha well, dating teens is sus asf but having such a song trash you is such top tier shitposting oh man. I cannot even. First time in ages I've laughed so much oh god that's just tooo priceless.
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Never thought a day shall arrive where I'd find someone singing about him being a sex addict but here we are. Ooof. Mama mia indeed.
Maaan I wish I could share this with someone oh god. Haven't laughed like this in ages. Dude got a diss track, teenage style. Ahahhaahha fuck.
Just 🤌🤌🤌🤌
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This is the first time in two weeks I've actually laughed damn. Heh. Sometimes it just takes something so fuckin absurd that you just wondering tf is happening. Heh. Good stuff. It's time for the doom and gloom to subside.
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" Do I wanna put it out there? "
That's a thought I grapple with from time to time. Often times, I was pushed by a desire to be unadulteratedly myself and very honest to myself. I wanted to capture all my thoughts naked, say the stuff that the world structures ask you to hide and just be unvarnished. Simply cuz my innate belief is that you have juuuust one life. And so I allowed myself to be honest and open. Just here, but I did it. I wanted to make sure years from now if I look back, I can see who I was, and who I was trying to be. Halway through, I realised hey... Somebody kinda knows my safe space and comes by, so I then I tried to gently intimate them about it. And I was at a crossroads too, like should I be honest or not? Would it be better to hide how I feel? And then my mind was like fuck it, you can't just falter in that quest because someone you didn't even share this space with found it.
It was uncomfortable for me, but I kinda just put that out of my mind and proceeded as usual. Then came a time that I started questioning... Hey... I can't just pretend that the price of honesty at this point might be hurting someone's feelings. I should definitely be tamer in my expressions, more considerate. And the thing is, irl I would be just that. I'm always putting people first so like... Lol. See that was my contention. I'm always, always, alllllfuckigways putting someone else first. Their feelings, their sensitivities. This was my onnnee place to feel how I feel and think what I think and say what I say so why should someone rob me of it? I know the simpler thing was simply to shut it down but for me it was like bruhhh... I've kept it to myself for soooo long like a decade or more so why should I be pushed out? Hahah. I know it's all probably childish but it's also something simple that I was not willing to let go of. Ugh. No it's not childish, it's my spot. Mine. 🤺🤺🤺🤺
And now, slowly but surely. I find myself censoring my thoughts a little bit. I posted something so unvarnished yesterday and then woke up to remove it. Haha. I suppose peoples' feelings do matter to me. Because... I suppose feelings can be fleeting, and rushed but words can be etched on someone's mind forever. Lord knows I would take it badly if someone was criticising me. But I also would not be peeking into something if they didn't want me to lol. Hahah. Assholery that was, ngl. Oh well. It's okay. But that assholery is why I want to be careful with my words. Even if it means I'm the one that is left being nice at a cost to myself. So, I suppose in the order of things maybe hurting someone is not worth it. When you give a shit about someone, or atleast when I do, I'd like to treat their feelings with atleast the same amount of care as I do mine. Which leaves me where? Haha. In a bind, that's where.
Well. It's okay I suppose. I'd rather be kind than right if I had to choose between one. I suppose that's how I'd want to be treated too. Too much honesty is simply self serving and can sometimes be an excuse for being a dick. And god knows there are times you waaaant to be a dick too hahahaha. Fuck. That's also true. It's a weird thing about passion that sometimes when you actually care you are so involved that you kinda wanna fight with them cuz you want everything to be normal... So weird right. I've seen everyone do it from time to time and never understood it before. Now I kinda do. What a wuss I've become, seriously.
I used to always pick rationality over emotions cuz it just felt safer. Now I'm a lot more easy going and accepting of it. It's funny. A few years ago seeing someone exhibit the same traits as my mum made my heart sink. Like how... Hoooowwww did I find someone so far away who has the exact traits that damaged me growing up? Constantly self focused, never asking how I feel, what I like. It's always like hey gimme the limelight and if you want any then I'll act like you don't matter. It was ironic in the funniest way. Felt like my soul was screeching in some unholy irony like whyyyyy again whyyyy. Howwww why meeee. Hahahha And it was scary at the time like the thing I feared the most, aka a person simply so focused on them that I don't exist to them yet again materialized in my life. lmao. I can appreciate life for it's beautiful way of giving the finger. Oh well. I've never wanted to lose myself in someone else's selfishness and self centeredness. It's also very boring when someone just constantly makes things about themselves or you can sense they want you to finish talking so they can go back to their own self. It does seem like a disorder of sorts. But, a little bit of that made me also understand some parts of their fears and their nature. Atleast my mum's. I love her today and I do care for her and support her. Definitely don't want to run away from her. Heh. Man, the amount of distance I wanted from parents growing up isn't even remotely funny. I suppose even today I don't want someone who is selfish and self centered. I want someone who puts me first, who is nice to me and who does it right off the bat. My feels and wants should matter to them, not just this take take take bs anyway. I will never again wait for someone to be kind. But I atleast know I'm not afraid of anyone anymore, so that's good. Would I want to bicker with them? Yeah ofc. Sometimes it's just good to haha. But in the end I think values need to match, respect needs to be paramount and care needs to bind all of it together. Otherwise it's all useless and not worth the time and energy anyway.
The one nature of fear I understand is that it's never the person or situation that we fear, it's our powerlessness and inability to cope in that situation that we are afraid of. It all melts away the minute you feel hey I got this, I got my back. If someone bad happens, I trust I'll be able to deal. Feels good to know we have ground under our feet and stability in our walk.
Hmmm. Well. Let's bring the troubles of the past to a close, a cute teeny bowtie on it. Kick em into the sea. ⛵
Tis what tis. And once again we go que sera sera. Whatever will 🐝, will 🐝
Que sera sera.
Watching the old bond films for the first time and man, they are great! Like wuuut. I never knew! And my my! Connery is such a hottie haha. Shit he was only 32 or so looks 45. People of that era were super masculine.
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It's interesting how men have progressively become a lot more feminine in their grooming over the years. The lads from connery era all look so old and adult like. Can't put a Chris Evans next to him and find him anything but a baby lol. Nice. Good stuff. It's nice guys are okay with loosening up and being more experimental actually. I kinda always hated the slot guys used to be put into where they are told to be emotionless and strong etc. That's just not fair to them. It's good those barriers are breaking and we look at them in more human ways. That phrase ' not a real man ' had struck a cord with me for some reason. I had never once thought about how demeaning it must be to tell a guy that. Like completely erasing his self worth. It's crazy people out there can be so harsh in their interpersonal equations tbh. I never understood how you can say you love someone and then try to belittle them.
Seeing the Connery gen, kinda makes me also understand where it all stems from. You have this macho dude as a model male then yeah, anything that isn't macho is less than. Ugh. To be fair there are women who buy into that kind of an image too. And man, this movie is sooooo crazy misogynistic in parts lmao. Women are simply nothing more than blow up sex dolls. But fuck, what a marvel of filmmaking and that too from such a long time back. My mum wasn't even born then haha. Oh damn. I'm sure she would find Connery very hot lmaoooooo. Hahahahha. Oh fuck. I've become very fond of her now haha. I must admit, it really feels nice.
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I wanna do a complete bond film marathon damn I'm loving these so much!! I'd loved that film shaan as a kid and I didn't know it was inspired by bond lmao. Wow. Hehe. I love what I love. Glad to know it.
Omg he just smacked her butt hahahaha fuck. " Man Talk" smack. Fuuuck. Oh feminism you would get so damn outraged at this hahahahah what a guy film it is 💀😂. And he says this in those tiny shorts with hairy ass legs hahahhah. Let's goooo Goldfingaaaahhh
Week later I open apps to check news and one of the first things staring at me is someone collating a bunch of pics and messages of fabi dating a minor fml. Didn't even know there was so much shit floating about either.
Tf is going on in the world idk anymore.
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Back to no chess this unholy game and unholy people begoneeee ⚔️✝️🙅♀️
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Ugh. I wish I could do some cleansing ritual god I'm so repulsed by everything rn just nein nyat nakko🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺
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Man. I just can't even bring myself to look at a board anymore, feels so unreal and like idk....ugly. There's such ugliness in this world it gets to me lots. It's not like I can change anything but it just hurts to see. I hope it all wears off over time. I remember seeing JB's tribute and it was heartfelt asf. And then it all felt so surreal like wtf people are giving tributes to someone who should be alive like wut is happening. And now this fabi with teens muck. It's all so ugly man. And it all feels so dilute and inauthentic like everything is just hyper optimised to serve some need. I hate that. And even this spate to tributes, I'm sure a lot of it is real but how many people will remember you a year, two years or more later? Only the ones who love you. They'll miss you forever. Rest is, and was always noise. So like... why leave them so early? Pure childishness and self absorption. I really believe that. Life goes on as usual for a majority of folks and the few who love you will be devasted forever. That's the spectrum of impact.
Thoughts like these bum me out ngl. And I don't wanna look at a board because I don't wanna be bummed out. Fuck, knowing you saw someone's last stream is just crazy. Tf does one do with that?
Heh. Some realisations in life are so weird one knows not what to do with them. A person who was so universally loved still chose to look at the negatives and shape himself through that lens.
Man. The one year I had looked forward to diwali and then just spent it shell shocked.
Damn how I wish I could turn back time and go back to stop myself from ever playing chess. All I've seen is shitty things and people and that's it. I wish 2025 hadn't happened either while we are at it. This year just sucks. 😔
I wish to stay far away from all these realisations.
~
Still not able to look at chess anymore. Want to puke. I don't know the guy but just the fringe stuff around it and seeing that horrid evil unhinged lunatics just go after him unchecked even after he passed away like. Fuck man. I cannot. I can't stop imagining how awful it must be for his mum, to have someone just make a mockery of your son's death time and time and time again.
~
I feel v bad, I think I just wanna delete my account and forget this game exists. 😔
~
I never want to know anyone in chess ever fuck they are just evil. I can't even imagine FedEx or Nadal bullying kids to death dude like what even happened I can't fuck. It's surreal asf. Man, even formulating this sentence feels absurd asf. Damn.
~
Heh. I kinda wish I could rewind the last few years and I just never even started playing this game. Life was a lot better without it. Touche.
Dad just called up to check on me out of the blue hehe. It was so sweet. Sometimes I feel like I've been surrounded by so many selfish, self centred people early in life that I kind of never expect anyone to watch out for me. While I don't actively mind it, or think about it, it's moments when someone just calls impromptu and says ooo I wanna see your face been so long and then just chats, it just feels really nice. If someone cares about me, I will never take it for granted. And this feeling is so special that I do not want to waste time on anyone who doesn't. I guess I'm realising more and more that active care and acts of being sweet matter to me a lot. I want more of that in life. Over the last three years I've really understood at a core level how important it is, and I do not wish to ever find myself in that kind of a situation again where the lack of it leaves me shell shocked.
Experiencing that feeling where you just know no matter how bad you feel, some people will not care is a fate I would not wish on anyone. It's the ugly, soul destroying hell hole of malignancy that seeks to destroy you from within. I do not care about such people anymore. Just as naro should not have given a flying fuck about all these ghouls. I do not know if Naro took his own life, and I really hope it is not that, but I do feel people in general need to hold themselves in equivalence to others and not look up to someone or need their approval. Be respectful, be kind, but have your own back too. Don't leave those who love you in a hurry, noone can fill the void of someone that is loved.
~
It's crazy how some people touch your life man. It really is. There's moments of humanity in a lot of life's touchpoints, even when they are on fringes. Naro had way more love and goodwill in his life than I do, I really wish he had seen that and made that central to his being. I thought about the number of times even JB had mentioned him and with so much affection. JB is another top guy tbh. I suppose this stuff is part of grieving huh. Came across some very cute vids of neims losing to danya etc haha. It felt so sweet and crushing too later cuz I realise these folks are just kids who were having fun at the time. The older I'm getting the more I think innocence and care of kids is of utmost importance. I don't get how old folks are so cruel sometimes. But fuck these old ghouls.
~
I don't really feel like playing chess anymore, atleast not for a while. Watching that appalling bs by Emil on Twitter made my stomach churn, I really hope this time around there are genuine consequences for the bad actors. Despicable shit. I'd be surprised if Krams decided to show some decency and stay out of it now but knowing that malignant turd he will find a way to insert himself into all this and try to act like he was some sage guy. Fuck. I feel so sorry for Naro's mom. I really do. I cannot imagine how horrid it must be to have the man who harassed your son to take such a drastic step keeps trying to get your attention despite it all. I'm so sorry she has to deal with this. God bless her, I hope she finds the strength to find peace.
I feel like chess just makes people evil and I'm not sure I want anything to do with it anymore.
~
Hmmm. Just gonna go out lots and have some mundane fun for a while.
A sea of tributes that I've been reading on and off all day have me so choked up. It's a festive time here, there's crackers in the air, people lighting stuff up and yet, I feel so hollow and weird. It's not like I expect anyone to understand this either.
~
The suddenness of it all, the fact that across the last few years I've always had some passive observations about him all to just culminate into this is so gut wrenching. It's such a sudden full stop, it just feels unreal. I recall his podcast with fabi and how weary he looked. I found it so concerning. And I used to always feel like bruh don't let this stuff get to you. It's not some show, it's real life and I suppose that's the differentiator, seeing an actual human being go through this and decline was so bad. I even remember seeing his play decline and thought it was concerning. Damn dude. I remember being vehemently opposed to the idea of him letting that shitstain Krams try to match against him cuz he was using it all for attention and clout. Fucking unhinged narcissist. Even seeing his reaction and the speculation and bullshit he spewed after news broke was one of the most vile things I've ever come across. Hard to even understand how such malignancy can exist.
Damn. That part makes me mad. But I suppose it's anger a large part of the community feels.
~
It's a testament to how kind and sweet he was that almost everyone except the obvious bad faith actor are all pouring out their grief and support and love. Very rarely have I seen such overwhelming positivity towards a person and yet I can't help but think how pointless it is and how much better it would have been if he was still around man. Shit. Bad faith actors notwithstanding, like fuck it if some folks hate you, focus on ones who love you man. Fuck. Nothing in the world is worth doing this to yourself. Life is so much more precious than a fucking gameee dude like maaaan. Life is worth living even if people around you are shitty from time to time. Krams, giri, nepo... They are just fucking snakes dude like why just why think or care about them fuck. They were just jealous of his success those petty fucking losers.
~
In the end, why didn't the love and support matter? Some of us crave for acknowledgement, and care, but he had that, and friends who cared and loved him and checked on him, a community that overwhelmingly loved him too so like... Idk man. I wish what I fear isn't true but most of all I wish this was simply some nightmare and not real life. :(
Almost everyone who knew him and knew of him in the world has tears in their eyes today Danya, and I just wish (and I'm sure as do most others) that we could rewind and he would be around again. He had his entire life and such a bright, beautiful future ahead of him man damn. I can't stop thinking about how his mum and brother might feel, shit dude.
~
Narcissistic abuse is the worst. My heart breaks for people who have to endure and even more for those who succumb to it. But you must must must always tell them to fuck off. Never give in to that. :(
~
I hope that every person I love, have loved, and will love in the future knows that they can bank on me and rely on me if something happens, if they need someone to talk to, or just need some strength and support. I shall be there without judgement. And I hope even the assholes that I've given my heart to carry that knowledge in their back pocket as they make their way around the world being assholes. As much as I disagree with their policy of being an asshole, I refuse to be one to them in retaliation. I may be tough, but I am fair asf and most importantly I care and always will. Fuckers.
~
I can't wrap my head around it still, I literally just saw him play last TT. Fuck.
RIP RebeccaHarris.
You were truly one of the gems of the chess world. I admired everything you stood for. I can't believe I'm never going to see you play again. :(
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck oh my god fuck.
I can't believe it wtfff man. Oh fuckkkk. Shit.
Oh man I just can't believe fuck I'm feeling so.... Dammit how what whyyy. Jesus Christ.
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I don't even know what to think how the hell did this happen. I just....
Man, life is so fragile I don't even know how to process this wtf!!!!!!
~
RIP danya :(
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I feel sick to my stomach about this idk
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Fuck. Reading all the stuff posted and I still can't wrap my head around it. Oh man. I am not able to process this at all.
~
Watching Hiki shit talk his wife's performance when she is 7 months pregnant to an audience wow.
As someone rightly pointed out, he is like 40 how tf can you be such a shitty partner.
~
I have more and more discovered that a side effect of liking this game is that it kinda removes empathy and humanity from you. Like hyperfixating on minimising errors make you irrational asf when you view them, but if that's all you focus on, then you are nothing but a twisted excuse for a person. It's like... Idk how can you willingly become so shallow and small? It's very weird. I feel bad for his wife, truly. What a clown show. Imagine playing badly only to have your significant other and father of unborn kid just being mean to you while you are 7 months pregnant fuck. I just can't even imagine what a small, petty fuck you need to be to be this way.
~
The sad part is I've seen people who are not even close to him in skill behave this way and that's so inexcusable. It's like their entire sense of self worth stems from knowing how to move pieces of a board game and acting like wow I'm so great. On a grander scheme of things it makes me wonder like how can you want to spend your entire life just playing a game? It's a great passtime, but it isn't as if it's contributing anything meaningful to the world, so why not have that realisation and have guardrails on your own behaviour? Feels like watching drug addicts sometime. Just in their own world and lashing out at others.
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Ugh... I'm actually just annoyed by this lots like how tf treats a pregnant woman so badly dude. Brian damaged fucking idiot.
~
Small dick energy and peeps who play chess. A match made in heaven. Bottom of the barrel clown show, honestly.
~
Comes right on the heels of having seen a chess film lmao. Literally one about obsession too haha. Oops.
Reading about Naro's mental health issues and I felt so bad about it. I'd wondered off an on how badly it must have impacted him from the beginning of the crazy stuff and now seeing how he was during his last stream really made me sad tbh. It's completely crazy how many unhinged lunatics are out there. :(
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This entire year something has felt off about him whenever I've glimpsed him, like idk what but just looks sickly, aged and worn out. I usually follow him on lichess TA and even there his performance seems so lackluster.
~
The weirdest part of all this is how I kinda just understand some folks and their nature and can project how they'll feel in some situations. It used to be an academic exercise for me at some point because human nature has always fascinated me. But, as I've grown older, what used to be a clinical lens has kinda become a lot more empathetic from my pov. I don't really know the dude, but I've always appreciated his honesty and his values, because they are the stuff that I also hold dear, and I could understand how dealing with witch hunts might be gruesome. And it's sad to see I was correct in my understanding of it. Idk man... I hate unfairness and character assassination and all that rot tbh. I hate it. Just fucking be fair and square in life or gtfo with that immoral shit. Seriously. I have deep rooted disdain for slimy behaviour. Ugh. I hope everyone has someone who looks out for them and wants the best for them. It's great to have that in life. I'm lucky I do, and I hope I can also be that person in the lives of everyone around me. Cherish ye loves and nurture them as best you can.
Lmao yt feed giving jump scares now haha. I did not expect that vid to pop up hhaa. Fuck. Crazy. It made me run away though. I guess I'm simply not open to revisiting bad memories any longer.
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If this year has taught me anything... It's that there is so much meanness in this world directed at women and people with a diff skintone, that I just do not want to cater to any racism and bigotry and meanness that's directed my way. I miss days when I wasn't aware of this being a possibility tbh. Heh. I guess some peoples' hate sees no bottom line. I can't forgive myself for waiting around for a morsel of kindness for over 3 years. I do not want it anymore and I never shall.
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I feel like I wish I could just become a nomad and travel. I never feel like I'm settled and I belong somewhere anyway. Just wish I could take off and leave everything behind at times.
~
The pitter patter of the dogs' feet upstairs just so cute man. Heh. Makes me smile every time I hear it. Dogs are the best, just so wholesome. Hehe, he is walking around again just as I typed that. Adorbs.
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I feel like having a drink today. My body aches from all the work and workouts and I just wanna unwind.
~
Tomo onwards back to grind lol. I look forward to it. I liked what Carr said tbh. The life you want to lead is at the other side of the work you are avoiding. That's very profound.
I don't allow myself to go down the road of wonderment anymore, and I've forced myself to accept things and people as they appear to be. But after alllll these years on this planet why is my Achilles heel so unchanged and why am I perpetually expecting to see good in someone? I don't know why I'm like this. I know this trait doesn't serve me well, but I have to keep on reminding myself of horrid things just so I don't fall back into accepting shitty behaviour lol. What a fucking joke, huh. I just never understood something fundamental... Why is it that loving oneself means choosing not to love someone freely. Like those things are simply incompatible to the point that it's always one or the other? And why are some people so messed up and so abusive that the only thing they can do is be nasty, so consistently? Loving them is not a cure, it's just a curse you invite on yourself because they will ensure any moment of happiness you feel is a threat to be destroyed. The thing I fear isn't that someone is nasty, it's that I might choose to love them and then get hurt. It's very hard for me to write someone off or idk maybe it's hard for me to conceptualise the idea that I want better? In the end it's not as if the person will change so accepting you want better means leaving them to invite the possibility of someone new and that's hard when you care about someone. Next time, I'm simply going to be super guarded and not let someone in until I feel safe and cared for. On that I shall not budge. There's never going to be a substitute for effort.
~
Gah. If you insist on being my weakness atleast be my strength in other ways why is that so hard lmao. Haha. Atleast that trade off would be worth it.
~
My friend kept talking about S and her husband and how bad they are together and in my mind all I see is my friend who is living a similar life and she doesn't see it. There's something so tragic about a woman that keeps making excuses for their partner and all you see is how shitty the person they chose is. I find it hard to be around them now cuz it just feels toxic and I don't want to be in that zone. I'm finding it super tough to forgive a lot of her behaviour too. Esp the way she attacked my equation with my brother. That was such an awful line to cross and she didn't even realise that she was crossing it. I hate her for it. I really do. And I can't seem to forgive it anymore. Maybe all the shitty behaviour has caught up and while I understand that being around that idiot bf of hers might take a toll, I've reached a point where I'm like hey it wasn't my choice and I don't want to be your punching bag for whenever you feel shitty. I just. Idk man. Hate is a strong word but there are times I've started feeling a very strong revulsion to her and it makes me want to just snap. I fear losing my temper would be unpleasant and thus far I haven't but I'm sick of having to fend off these random attacks and that mindless virtue signalling she gets up to.
Heavy lies this realisation. Maybe addressing it would be the only thing to do but good god I hate these confrontations so much ugh. Yet another Achilles heel haha. Just hate confrontations sooooo much.
Ugh. What do I do? Someone solve my issues for me pls. Thanks.
Spectating a game and I was about to say wtf win win win lmao. Fuck. It was so frustrating to see someone tank a winning position lmao. Aaaaa. Man, I have to hand it to chess coaches who are titled players like it must be soooooo annoying for them to see stuff like this all the time. I would be soooo annoyed ahhahahha. Fuck. Respect to my betters, truly! 😁♥️
~
Hmmm... Imma just laze away the morning today, and read some of Sadlers blog too. Oof. So happy to chill like this woohoo
~
Ugh I fucking love wing gambit muhahaha. Felt like going into uncharted waters. 😭😭😭 And I could beat that 2100 also with it felt so nice. Dammit some days I love chess ugh.
~
Watching titled arena and all the better players are also in the range on 28-29 with... Oh wow noone above 3k. Whatever happened? Hmmm. Heh. I'd have pushed someone to get in the fray and try earlier for sure. There's a part of me that feels really happy to see people do well tbh. Esp ones I've cared about. Weird that I have to keep smacking that part down now haha. Oh well. Let's reserve it for people who genuinely care about me. I used to feel bad earlier that this guy used to have very unsupportive people around him but idk. I have to accept that maybe he himself is like that so like begets like. Anyway, why dwell.
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Wow even Naro is 28 that's crazy he used to be 31ish iirc. Hmmm. Weird. I've never doubted his integrity but it sure is strange to see him lose his edge this year. All that witch hunting must have taken a toll on him. Sucks.
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AHAHAHAHHAA. OMGGGG
MY CURRENT FAV CHESS PIC EZPZ. I LOVE THIS.
Hehe. This is so absurd and cute omggg. Let's go candidatesss
💀💀 The number of fucking losers that start dming bs on lichess is so annoying aaaa. I never respond but istg somedays I feel like hurling some nasty words their way fuck. Gah. Fuck. How tf are people so crazy that they start fucking dming without prompting sheesh. Stupid cunts. Ugh. So annoyed at this bullshit
I feel oddly relieved. And then I saw a rainbow too lmao. Hehe, that was super nice.
~
Just want to sigh and look at the rain tbh. All whimsy.
~
Omg i can't even hahahah omgggggg. I just. The only thing that makes this song better just the only thing.
~
Dammit I love this song so damn much it's crazy I'd lived all my life without hearing it haha. O fortuna indeed. How can I gripe against you when you bring me such joy too?
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As silly as it might be, all the love I've ever felt in my life, it can be captured within the notes of this song for me. Move me to tears, why don't you already? I love you so damn much. I really do. ♥️
~
Damn. I agree with the first comment. 100 years ago, you probably only heard this once in your life. Fuck. I never thought of it like that. Music was so rare to come by. Fuck. That's nuts. Privileges we never appreciate we have. Somehow the idea that you hear this just once is also beautiful.
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The fact that I'm wearing cosy socks as I write this while the rain pours outside makes it just so nice. 🙂
Fuck I'm actually enjoying slow chess zomg. This is so fun. WHY DID I PLAY BULLET.
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Wtf I'm already 2k rapid and it wasn't even tough just random missed tactics galore from my side. Zomg we are such noobs at chess man. This is shameful. I wonder by what rating can one safety say one knows how to play decent chess. Deffo not 2k rapid. 💀😕🙅♀️
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I hate that even now it doesn't really feel challenging per se. I want to play some people who really just destroy you, it's somehow more fun to be locked in and think. Hmmmm. Idk I hate the bit where I just hang piece or something then lose its just stupid asf. Ugh. I thought reaching this would feel good but it doesn't. Can't believe I was stuck at 1700 for so long too. Something is very wrong with my playing lmao. I'm deffo the problem hahahaha. Fuck it.
~
Sadlers blog is a marvel. So good man, I admire how much effort he puts in this stuff. Respect.
~
Hehe, ranked 40 points straight. Atta boy. Now it feels normal 😄. So basically mindless playing is what kills it haha. Roots.
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Anyhoo, after today I'm going to keep to 3-4 games a day and that should be good enough.
~
Whew. Beat a 2100 also a piece down and it wasn't hard per se. Interesting. So I should aim at 2150ish rating at the very least. How nice. I shall try. 💪😤
Waking up to the sun in my face and it feels all warm and sweet lol. A good nights rest makes all the difference in the world. Hehe.
~
The first kitkat I've ever liked and it's matcha lol.
Asians make some interesting flavour combos. Never expected this to be good and instead I love it lol.
~
Goes well with coffee grumpy face
Listening to my friend talk about S and her dysfunctional asf husband and I'm just stunned. How can you live with someone so abusive man. Sheesh. Willingly marrying him, paying all his bills, seeing him be drunk daily, all the yelling, the bad behaviour, what the fuck even brother. And him just throwing a fit and threatening to leave when you are buying a house like what even. Who behaves like this dude. Oh god what a nightmare. And how tf does a grown man throw such tantrums like yuck it's so repulsive. I hate hate hate this childish bullshit like I'm flying back and sending screenshots of plane tickets aaaaa. So revolting. I'm so glad I wasn't in town to meet these lunatics I'd have just snapped lmao.
Sometimes life just keeps giving warning signs upon warning signs to people and they do not want to take it. I cannot imagine being around abusive drunks dude lord I hope I never see one cuz no fucking way.
Sometimes the world is just fucking scary like you never know what kind of person someone is. But I mean.
~
Haha my friend threw away all the sheets and disinfectanted the house after they left lmaoooo. Bad juju begoneeee!! Hahahha fuck... I totally get why man. This is insane. I hope she never talks to those people again truly. I was so mad to hear that she hosted them and that loser dude was rude to her gawdddd. Just. Ugh. People like this should be shown the door and have the door slammed in their face after.
~
Kids of parents like these will have such a tough time. To see a father constantly being abusive towards a mother is so fucked up for a small kid. What hell people create.
This one's life is a lesson dude. Like often even I've found myself in a spot where I wish to forgive someone for treating me badly but then you realise that's what they always do and what you always do is forgive. It ends up just emboldening the abusive folks. It's easy to be nice, some people just don't want to, or want you to be happy. Just leave.
Ugh. Drank a beer after so long and now I don't feel good lmao. I don't like drinking anymore 😞. Messes up sleep too. My one great love. At this rate I'll become an annoying vegan in the next few years. Haha. Fuck. That would be fun.
~
I want a bath and I also want to sleep what do I do.... Dilemmas dilemmaaaas 🚿
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5 hours later and I've LAZED THE DAY AWAY. Shameful lmao. Need bathhhhh 😵
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Finally home ugh. STILL NO BATH. lmao. I've become a degenerate. Damn I miss home though.
So tired of this world ugh. Wake me up when everything is normal. 😔
~
Making pesto and I can't help but feel as if I'd love to make some for someone who enjoys eating lol. I like home cooking esp if it's for someone else. Just little, little things that I enjoy doing for someone, it gives me a lot of joy. Even small simple things like making sure the fridge is stocked and there are few things in it that someone enjoys eating etc. I enjoy that. I loooove spoiling people with all this stuff. Guess it's my love language, taking care of people in tiny ways.
It's interesting to see so many people dress up for festivals. I've never had any desire to participate in any lol. Even today, I'm like a grouch just hiding away from it all lol. I guess I can't make myself do anything that my heart is not set on. It's a weird internal stubbornness that I've come to accept. Haha. Like me accepting it is of utmost importance lol. Its like I just don't understand one large part of humanity.
I was just revisiting the grand inquisitor also coincidentally and I'm Ivan through and through. Even there I have loads of bones to pick with dosto lol. I feel like a huge fundamental flaw in his work is that he is a reluctant believer. So was Kierkegaard and they all spun around in circles trying to rationalise belief or rather their own desires to believe. Hehe. Well, not Kierkegaard in the same way as dosto but like... Idk I feel this man's anguish in his works and it makes me sad but also makes me wonder how he didn't just understand that you can be good for the sake of being good. That you can accept the universe as is, and choose to define your role in it. I think the Stoics were practical in that sense. Hmmmm.
It's a good backdrop. Watching people dressed up and be festive and ponder wtf was dosto all about haha.
~
Paradoxical it may be, but I value the importance of prayer and belief and the role in plays in people's lives. I think it's very important to feel loved and secure and know that someone somewhere cares to protect you. There's a lot of good in that. I don't feel it needs to be transactional in that hey I'll be good so pls gimme reward. I think if you can breathe deep and act from a place of security and acceptance about your own self, you can choose to do right for others without thinking it diminishes your own resources. It's a very unfinished thought. But it's not like rn I have the time to finish it I gotta go put on a smile and exchange niceties lol.
Cheers to the believers. You are all sinners but it's nice to see you all pretend otherwise hehe.
Running up that hill. Oo huuuu
I actually want to run up a hill fuck. Just that sweet sweet pain and endorphins. Chase that damn high.
Dammit. Disabling pano scrobbler cuz I don't want it reading my texts lmao. Ugh no mo last fm and my digital musical impressions. Dayum. There was something so precious about sharing that profile with someone and they could know when I'm enjoying a song haha. It was cute.
~
On a night that's for the shins,no less.
~
I'm looking in on the good life
I might be doomed never to find
Without a trust, a flaming field
Am I too dumb to refine?
And if you took to me like
Well, I'd've danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would've fared well
~
Heh. Such deeply sad lyrics set to such peppy music. Ooooo uuu ooo uooo
~
I missed when life was small and I kissed you on the terrace and felt guilty because it didn't fit in with my idea of propriety. Hehe. I miss it so much. Not you, but I miss that time of innocence and wonder. I want it back. I will never look for myself in shitty lyrics nevermore. But if I could bottle that innocence and keep it safe, I would. I so would. Dammit.
~
Ugh. I must have said it a 1000 times but music is my greatest love hehe. And I shall forever be a musical philanderer, no genre shall tie me down.
Let's see if someone can ever come close to clinching second place though. Heh. I am now curious who or what that might be.
~
On cue... Heartbeats.
What a pretty voice you have.
Heartbeats ♥️
Man people make fake accounts just to cheat on lichess like why ugh. Reported this person I saw cheating against this fellow too. Just annoying to see. Nolund it seems. Lolol. I wonder if that person knows what that word means but who knows maybe some cheapo did it intentionally.
Oh wow lichess sent message saying banned also goody. Finally quick action. What a shit account though, just losing no games whatsoever. Blatant asf. Omg hahahahahha. They paired him with some 1800 cheater hahahahha. Good shit let's goooo.
Heh. Only an engine is allowed to beat our man this badly 😬💪😤
Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :(
I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with.
Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle.
~
I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl.
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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics.
End up seeing magnoose stream quite often now. I wonder how come he does it. Their app must be in trouble. Still, not complaining. Actually really enjoy how low key and chill it is. Man, can't believe a manchild like him will be a father soon haha. Everyone growing up eh? Heh.
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Oh god again that same dude spamming esse analyses with engine on. Bruh. This is just sad and embarassing.
Literally every time. Crazy folks.
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Ooo bro at laver cup ugh. I wish I was there too dammit.
Heh bro thinks opelka will win I go ruud. Let's gooooo.
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Omg he is seeing Alcaraz too later zomgggg
Having a long chat with bro and he also suggests diversifying lol. Hmmm. Interesting. I have so much to think about tbh.
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Lately, it's tough to articulate a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm about to take some important calls and hmmm. As usual I'm dragging feet because of the finality a change in direction usually brings. Ponderings lol. Need some woowoo stuff like vision boards and what not.
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Really loving his work. It's not often I understand well what an artist is trying to say but when it clicks it feels so good.
I like his landscapes even more than his city work tbh. There's a sense of hope in them that's lacking in his cityscapes lol.
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Cape Ann Granite.
This delights me because I view landscapes this exact way. It's so hard to express what that means but my eyes just lust for the beauty of nature in all its unvarnished glory. I love craggy hills and moss on stones and sunlight lighting up the entirety of it all. Being on top of a hill and looking around feels just this way ugh. God I love it so.
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I know nighthawks and house by the railway is more iconic but to me there's a stillness and beauty in these that escape the dereliction of his human lens haha. Hope, I shall always cling to thee. I hope.
A long road that widens slightly and goes upwards. Going up a hill of sorts that's surrounded by clouds to a restaurant right at the top in the middle of the mist and clouds. Going with someone in a car and the place was a bit on the Tibetan side with the hosts being Tibetan. The town it rests in was kinda abandoned by 7 pm. Slightly cold I expected it to be but it wasn't. A bit rainy. But going up that circular route to the hilltop was very beautiful. Let me see if I can find an image that depicts it.
Definitely not this hypermodern but the gist is there. Hmmm. I wish I could capture the entire scenerie all the way up to the top.
Man I wish I hadn't woken up that early I really wanted to see the rest of this dream. It was so interesting. Ugh.
Brooo what is even happening in this world like fuuuck. What the hell. How can people just go around shooting folks man. Jesus. That's so messed up. I want the world to grow up and become normal again these fuckers have spread too much hate for this to be occuring. 😔 Noone deserves to die like this.
It's honestly high time people stopped spreading hate and fear mongering. We need stuff that brings us closer not all this. Turn the page already.
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I never wanted kids growing up and the way the world seems now I'm so fucking disgusted that I'm glad about that decision tbh. I would never want a kid to be a part of this complete shit show dude. Kids deserve a good world. We all have so much now, that it's just shitty to want to deliberately create a worse off world for everyone to live in tbh. Ugh. I just feel sick at the moment.
Watching magnus stream and some dude keeps spamming 'M analyses with an engine on' over and over in caps. 💀 How are people so nasty yo like. It just looks so bad. Noone ever mentions any other people, and these perpetual twitch dwellers will somehow find a way to be nasty to him. And his other idiot followers asking for an explanation of that statement like what a face palm. Damn. I've legit never seen other people have such a bad following tbh. The rest of the people I've seen actually have followers that are pretty respectful. Actually, even some of these dudes at times show up in other places and behave themselves perfectly well. Hmmm. I guess if you go around allowing people to call women holes and whores then these are the standards you'll get reflected back too. Meh. To each their own. Whatever.
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I actually do enjoy magnoose streaming. He is sweet and chill, no airs, takes things lightly. I love when he sneaks a win he just laughs in that cheeky way haha. Hard to dislike him tbh. Despite his sketch shenanigans. He feels like a legit and decent dude tbh. Very nerdy too lol. Reminds me of most of my eng buddies tbh all the boys were similar except without the god level talent haha. I should tell the boys that lmaoooo. Hahahahha oh man. Hehe. Best thing about a lot of boys is how they are so chill themselves. Ribbing around is always fun then.
Finally Alcaraz is coming into his own. I wonder what his ceiling would look like. I love sinner but I feel like no matter what he will have to really stretch to catch up. I wonder how carlitos would pair up against the big 4 in their primes. I have a hard time thinking would beat prime Rafa or Roger etc even now. They were just so dominant and complete that I cannot imagine him dominating over their game. Sad that we will never know. Love the guy though. So stress free and happy to do his own thing haha. Makes it look like all sunshine and rainbows.
Have an early flight and just can't sleep. I have never been more reluctant to travel lol. I do a lot for people out of a sense of obligation I feel. What can you do. Gotta come through when we can.
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Hmmm. I can never look at this town as my home, it'll always be my parent's hometown. I used to be so scared they'd send me here when I was a kid lol. Even now, I am not comfortable here... Heh. I guess places you associate with strife are places you never want to visit. I never even wondered back then what happy families looked like lol. Just wanted to be independent of all this stifling shit. Fucking patriarchy. Annoying asf. Truly. I value my independence so damn much man. Like. I'm happy to do lots for people I love but it has to be my choice not a compulsion. Freedom is my one true love lol. Thine above all, the rest after.
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Sometimes I feel there's no point in looking back just run to the future nicely. Heh. Might be nice. Mum and dad fuss over me lots these days. That feels nice. Hmmm.
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Talked to some tennis player on the flight lmao... Trust these folks to show up in shorts and the entire kit even when travelling. Lmao. State level player must be decent. I cant stop laughing at this outfit it's so adorbs. Haha. My kinda people. Sporty and casual.
Reading Rensch's article in the guardian...man. his life is interesting. I never knew how prevalent cults were. Or rather, never really bothered to pay heed to it. I suppose one could argue that they exist everywhere and are frequently to be found. I've just never known anyone to join one. They all just prey on people. Hmmm. I don't have much to say about this except interesting. It's fascinating how people are able to get a birds eye view on life this way. I admire that trait. It's not easy to separate yourself from your past and events in life. Gives a person a sense of maturity and ease when they reach that point of articulation.
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The kind of mindfuckery he describes is insane. It's a wonder that he ended up being a well adjusted person with a family and a good life. Damn dude. People who have it so rough figure it out and that's nice. I legit admire them, and the resilience it must have taken to get to that point.
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"Like every young man being raised in the Family, I’d been taught to see women as a means to a man’s spiritual ends. I was holding on to Shauna for dear life; she was the only anchor I had in this storm. But my attitudes mirrored what I’d been taught and what I’d seen other men do my whole life: “If this marriage isn’t working out to serve my needs, if Shauna is going to be an impediment to my spiritual growth, then maybe I’ll have to move on.”
Ahhh yes. Ofcourse. The wonderful idea that women are chattel. Fuck man. Just so shitty how these people always, always see women as inferior objects to be used and discarded. Ugh. Now I'm legit irritated too. I never ever thought I'd say this but with all the crap Indian patriarchy has, the middle class isn't this bad for sure. Like there's a quality of degrading treatment I've only ever witnessed in some parts of the world, but ones I hadn't associated with the west growing up. I have come a full circle in that wanting to escape the kind of patriarchy at home has made me also appreciate some aspects of promoting family values and the role they can play in keeping people safe and sound. God I hate that lol. I just especially dislike the whole culty ideas of women and how they are outright seen as second class breeders that can be exchanged... Fuck that and fuck you assholes yuck. I don't want to read any more of this article. Screw this.
Lately I've been thinking about stoicism. How you should only focus on things you can control. It seems solid. It's the only way to feel grounded. To completely let go of anything outside of that area of control. But channel energy into things you can build. I want to just lose myself in work maybe. I have this hunch that all the answers and reassurances I seek are beyond that one threshold. I feel like I haven't come into my own and now more than ever I want that. Maybe it's just time to go all in and bet on self and just leave everyone behind. In any case, the only solution I know to self doubt, to feeling blue, to insecurity... Anything at all... Is to just immerse in work and goals and forget the rest. Guess that's what I'm going to be doing from now. Anything to abate this weird sense of mental exhaustion I suppose lol. Idk man. I feel kinda lost and adrift and I don't like it. I want to have things to look forward to again. To wake up all happy and looking forward to the day etc. Heh. I hope this is just a small phase.
Travelling feels good at times.
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I like raves's wife hehe. It's funny how boys will fuck around as much as they want but when it comes down to it, the good ones always choose sweet and nice women to marry. It's so nice and wholesome. I'm very happy for him.♥️ I'm glad he didn't choose that batshit crazy ex of his lol. Married early too like the good Christian boy that he is haha. Awesomeeeee!!
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I think for the good folks atleast... When you meet the right one, you just know it. When you know you know. I think sometimes you know it right off the bat too. Like this person is special and meant for me. And at times it makes you want to better yourself for them and that's really lovely too. Awwwie. I feel nice and cozy inside rn. Hehe.
Man... I just...I really crave the assurance of trust. Just to be able to relax in the knowledge and comfort of it.
I suppose some people just turn the idea of it into you being the sitting duck... Like hey they let their guard down now we can exploit. One of the bigger mistakes I've made all along is assuming people will change. I have to accept they don't.
Anyway, finding that stable ground is one of the biggest desires of my life. All this hyper vigilance etc will melt away the minute I feel like there's firm ground to walk on. I guess somewhere down the line taking as many hits as I did has made me stubborn about this point but I suppose that's fine. It's not like I'm losing out on anything by feeling this way. I'd rather just be cautious and not callous with myself. Rest will align itself as it must. Heh. I want something nice to call my own and I don't want to dilute the nice part. I hope someday I can look back and appreciate the fact that I actively sought that.
