Ugh. Stupid gastroenteritis when will it abate wtf is going onnnnnn. In my life I've never been sick and now this bullshit fuck me. From missing someone just yesterday to pooping water all week what a spectrum life is so fucking mocked 🙄💀

In the last three years, I've lost two family members. Everytime I visit my family house and see my aunt's picture there I just recall her emaciated face and what cancer can do to someone. Someone else has it too now. I guess I have some latent sense of grief regarding both too. That's the thing man. People leave us, but not really. 

One day I will die too. As you grow older that fact becomes more real. They say it's morbid to think about it all and maybe it is. But these last couple of years have really pushed me to consider this fact cuz at the back of my mind I'm wondering hey what if it happens to me? And there's another question in my mind, one that just breaks my heart and I don't want to visit it. :( hmmm. It's okay. Maybe people who love me might miss me. If they love me that is. Who knows? Heh. Well, some others can be relieved they don't have to tell me they heard me often on vns lol. Haha. That's also true. Yin and yang I suppose. Must have been scared when I accidentally dialled after grandmum died too na. And he knew she died too, still didn't care. Atleast wasn't updating statuses then, but sometimes we slip oops. Bragging about talking oh just yesterday! to some random lady but couldn't be bothered to be nice once to someone who was actually good to him. Haha, kudos...values doth shine, don't they? Well, no worries I'll never be around again, let alone call. 

~

Meh. Takes all sorts to fill up the world. But hey, someone turning me into a brown person that makes a white one uncomfortable... that is not what I ever signed up for in life. Honestly never a day I thought I'd ever see, let alone have to endure. What a complete disgrace. And shame on me for not seeing it for what it is sooner. For that, I alone am to blame. 'lol' was a response to that iirc. I will remember that next time I feel like making excuses for him. Anyway running out of any manipulations since I called them out probably playing one of those leela bots is left. And I know him well enough to know it'll happen soon. Well, in all fairness I know this cuz I end up missing him at the same rate probably. I will concede that. Meh. Whatever. That missing is also part of my flawed thinking which refuses to completely buy into the idea of him being monstrous. Evidence be damned lol. No more bait and no more rope for anything manipulative. Is this who his parents raised him to be? Just hurt people and then hide? Heh. I thought even deadbeat dads sometimes show up lol. Maybe not. 

~

Life is way too short ya. And you never know what might happen. It's simply not wise to go around collecting bad experiences and having someone hurt you again and again in what little time you have. Best to tread your own path and stick to things that make you happy.  I don't particularly care anymore about anything but I would like to be able to finish some stuff I'm working on. That would be nice. I know I'm a good writer when I try. Heh. Funny no. I always cheered on this one's work but when I sent something just the once he haaaad to ignore it. Then came here to see if I was upset or not. I couldn't even believe how petty someone needs to be to do that. Anyway, all these are just shit memories, look forward to forgetting them all. Noone of this is fair to me or has been and I'm sick of it all, esp manipulations never ever again will I respond to anything that's not directly said to me. Lost me for good but atleast I've learnt my lesson in never allowing meanness and toxicity in my life. A heartfelt goodbye to it all. Heh. Leaving it as I found it. Simping for women. Back to what one does best eh? Lol. A full circle. 

~

I don't want this to be the sum total of life experiences either. What I have felt over the last couple of years is truly, mind-blowingly rock bottom and I do not want to revisit that area ever again. Maybe it's a form of midlife crisis but honestly this all is just way too sad for me to want to resign at this spot tbh. I'd like things to be better and I'd like to make active choices to make them better. I guess I've more or less learnt to prioritise substance and character in people and I shall look only for that going forward. I suppose the knowledge that you might die can be used for good. It's sobering to know it, but it can help you create a north star if you want. Let's give it a go. 

 12 weeks huh. Lol. Ok so be it. 

I wonder if I had gone around simping for some random dude and then tripped all over myself in my eagerness to announce it to the world like it's some achievement... How would it be taken? Well, we would never know cuz I shall never do that for someone random. 

Simping truly is cringe asf, but what can you do? Yet more things in common with his bff. Haha, that's a bit dickish of me to draw that particular comparison but I mean seriously man that was so utterly sad to witness. Anyway, I guess people have diff priorities what to do. Guys gonna be guys. 

Blah. Simp away I suppose more power to you. 

~

Awwie and how cute is cammy lol! I can't believe thibs actually keeps this on hand to spam on demand haha. And he added music also to it lmfao. Adorbs. Doggies are sooo cute and she is soooooo adooorableeeee omg. Look at that smushy face!!

I should just get a dog lol. 

Ok saving just cuz it's soooo cute!!!!

Cams

~

I can get behind simping for dogs ngl. 

Fever after a long time and complete stomach upset. Feels weird to be sick. Gastroenteritis ugh. Man do I feel bad for folks who have to deal with this often this is not fun damn

Sometimes I see these puzzles and I don't get why this move is said to be so good. Idk. I mean yeah it's deffo unlikely and in a live game it would be difficult but the thing is if you are asking the right questions along the way, which most good players are I presume, then it might not be so hard. Idk. Have seen so many others where the. Continuations are so complex whereas this one only the first move is difficult to spot but the rest just flows so. Hmmm. But would I spot it in a live game? 💭 

My mind has snapped shut to a lot of things, and yet I don't want to quantify them rn. Let's see how long until they become solidified. 

~

Having said that, I wish to credit myself for doing the things I make up my mind to do. No matter how difficult. That one comment really set me on fire lol. I guess sometimes it's good to get that external push even if it's simply cuz you want to prove someone wrong. One day I will make her eat those goddamn words, I promised that to myself. Fuck, nothing more annoying than a shitty person trying to taunt. It all shifted in my mind after that behaviour, I actually simply do not wish to forgive it or rather, I don't think I can forgive her. Guess when some lines are crossed it's very hard to uncross them... And I know I'm not specifying what it was that got under my skin but it's only cuz I'd actually like to keep this private lmao. 🙄 - 4 u, 4 whenever next. Reading my diary lol. Complete shamelessness but it's so shameless that yeah alright. Now I've even fessed up that I know, still I gotta censor myself. Lol. Censoring self in a spot I always considered hidden. Whatevs. 

~

Taunts can be an endless source of motivation esp when they come from someone who you don't respect lol. Man, but it is tough to bite my tongue and not retaliate back in kind cuz people like this just fold at the first sign of pushback then cry instantly even though they are the ones to cross a boundary first. I guess I am resentful now and it's kinda hard to unwind this. Esp as I guess for me it just boils down to accountability and lack of it. I'm sick of people who simply don't hold themselves accountable, don't apologise, then want you to let it go so they can continue being pussies and avoiding doing the right thing. Fucking pathetic. 

Dutch

Checking out more of flank games, really liking wing gambit too. Stumbled on Magnus's clip about the dutch defence, and how playing on the flank increases odds of results, from there entered a rabbit hole of Magnus' stonewall games. + the ones against Vishy. They are so good. Pawn on a3 and then just goes h5 as well, forcing be1. Oof. Goat for a reason. Him and Botvinnik, must be the best in the world at the dutch ezpz. No contest. Well, also hiki he plays it so much. He is also so damn aggressive as a player. Really should check more of his games out never have somehow. 

~>

Oo even alekhines bogoljubov game is nice. Hmmm. Dammit I like this opening now. 

Jim's mush

I don't know which rabbit hole led me back to Jim Jarmusch but here we are. That crazy dude I dated introduced me to him forever ago. Coffee and cigarettes. That was the film. Heh. These random arty circles I once found myself in. Never quite bought into them. But it did lead to good recos at times. I want to watch these films all over again just to see if they hold up over time or no. Man, this was so forever ago. I almost never let myself think of any ex, nor have I ever gone back to anyone. But I do miss some tiny elements at times and I think I want to allow myself to. I guess maybe just ak tbh. None of the rest. He was the one who knew me and understood me well. And I miss the tiny things and niceties like number of times ak would call and sometimes just sing me to sleep after chatting my ear off post midnight lol. Haha. I loved that. I never realised that such simple everyday things are what one might miss someday, but I guess negative experiences have a way of highlighting the positive ones. On balance though, we all have stayed on good terms and so it's easy to preserve a bit of fondness towards certain memories. Hehe. I always took for granted how easily people trusted me and opened up to me, still do tbh. It makes me happy to know they all felt I was reliable and that I never broke anyone's trust or harmed them. I guess I want those good times back now. The movie nights and the nice conversations and all of it. Yeah. I want it back and I'm going to find it. 

Okay let's read Rashomon. Gotta finish it today. 

~

Dammit, Rashomon got over. Ok that was a short tale. Decent one but Kappa win. Let's finish in a grove as well. 

~

Workout for mental clarity damn. When life feels sucky that one push just helps so much. Somedays I feel draggy and don't want to, but never regret pushing myself to get it done. 

Damn that's stupid chess bender lol. Completely zonked today. Idk why but even though it's rough going I kind of enjoy it too. Hmmm. Glad I am I never found this game as a kid cuz istg it would have been vv tough to leave. 

~

I wish I hadn't read the news the last few days man... Just felt so sick and gross seeing all the hate idk. And it makes me feel so shitty to think that being brown is something that gets people so much hate. In my entire life I've never once seen someone through the lens of race cuz what a dumb thing to do in the first place but damn man. People still clinging to this archaic nonsense. It's like the world keeps regressing out of boredom and spite. 

~

Fuck in 2025 people are so dogshit they care about rubbish like this how fucking pathetic and low class like sheesh. Education is so fucking important man. 

~

Tried all day and still just 1997 ooof. What an enticing number damn man. Ffs. Hahhahaa shiiit. Like an addict I've played and idc I juuust wanna cross that damn 2k dammit. Nvm just overdid it lmao. 12 hours. 💀

~

Danya also releasing stuff on morra and claiming d5 is a lil known thing. Actually called out this guy for not having it in his book and presented it like his own discovery. People are strange. 

~

Mofo just kept going like a dangling carrot and lost all gains lmfao. What a day today has been. Oops. Back to 1920 no less wtf mannnnn aaaaaa. Screw this game. No no! ⚔️

 
Such a wise thing tbh. And it's true... Someone who loves you will not put themselves in a position to lose you. I guess that's worth waiting for.

Made the mistake of reading news again oops. I eat my words, M was completely right about what he said. 

~

Ps - If you show up to read this then I hope you are doing ok. Always have to add this caveat in my conversations with myself now lol. Anyhoo.

~

Wow, reading some more now. Hmmm. Ok this stuff is legit crazy wtf is even going on. Dude wtf like bruhhh. Everyday it's more and more scary shit. So much of this is just devoid of empathy for people, their well-being and all directed at brown folks. That's such a sobering thought damn man. I never thought I'd be queasy but I am. I don't know what to say but... I think it's time to draw a line in the sand about empathy and care. Something I need to genuinely think about seriously now. 

~

Bruh and now reading that yarvins bs and according to him harvard should be abolished by April wtf yo. 💀 This entire timeline is so crazy like why even. I really have to hand it to these idiotic nutters and wannabe discount Nietzsches honestly. Their hubris is so completely mocked and how. Just bored billionaires in need of a purpose and too dumb to actually see it. 

Watching an episode of house and while I love the show I completely forgot the arc where he starts hooking up with his ex wife when she is married to someone else. Now that I'm seeing it, it feels so sick dude. How fucked up would it even feel to have some guy come in and blow up your marriage. Or if you having troubles with someone and a third person just destroys it. No matter how bad things get how tf do you just do something so shattering to someone...even ones who hook up with married folks like how do you all justify it man. How sickening dude. And this is just stuff when people don't have kids I can't even imagine as a kid how much you'd hate your parents and the dude or woman who destroys your family life. How fucked yo. 

A heartfelt puke.🤮🤮🤮

~

This stuff scares me so much dude. I know that to risk loving someone is to risk being shattered but having someone cheat on me would be the kind of shattering I don't think I will be able to get past. I've never once given in to temptation and I never will. But sometimes I'm just so afraid if it happens to me what would I do? :(  well, for starters never trust a guy who doesn't care what you feel or puts some other woman first. No matter their justifications and rationalisations it doesn't matter. If someone cares not that they hurt you then just never pick them or love them. They don't deserve it and you sure as shit don't deserve to do this to yourself. That's actually a test of loyalty too, cuz it's easy to say I won't stray etc but loyalty is built out of respect and consideration without that there is no real reason to be with or around someone in the first place. Heh. Never love someone that doesn't care what you feel, and never love someone who doesn't treat you well. 

Jester Chester

 Crawling

The last concert. Damn. 

~

Eons ago, in a lifetime far far away. I swayed to you. I didn't feel the exact kind of alienated. I've never been alienated, I've always been in the thick of things. But I got you. I got you cuz deep within I always felt like maybe noone gets me. Maybe that's a common feeling. Your popularity definitely says to me that it must be. You sang, we listened, we connected. Heh. To think of us all as tiny lil signals all blipping by ourselves. 

And today I heard this. Just a bit of a homage maybe. From an artist I kinda like. He got that damn piano right.

Crawling fuse

~

I'd pick a piano player over a guitarist anyday. 

~

I miss you Chester san. You are my personal bookmark into a time where I was angsty, a bit lost, and sooooooo into life. I didn't know it then, but damn. There was a fire in me that has somewhat simmered. I like it that way, I think it needs to only rage for something that's worth it. But looking back I guess I do love who I used to be. 

~

Funny thing is... I don't connect to the lyrics at all, never did. But the yearning, the piano, the paraphernalia. Now that. Goated asf. That fucking piano man. Damn. Just sneaks up on you.

~

Finally growing my hair long. One must tint it to suggest nostalgia. 

~

Speaking of, we end with the OGs. Best fucking intro and best goddamn collab. Fight me. 

Crawling - Cornell

How hot is chester too damn. Shoulders. Ooof. Goddamn manchilds get me everytime... Every. Fucking. Time. Like my own personal kryptonite. 

Let's go. 

Vv la di da 

~

A day without news is a good day tbh. And then I open yt to see neimz declining a lie detector test he himself set up lmao what a weirdo man. No way people don't think of him as a cheater now. Of all the silly stunts to pull. This guy really manages to  completely bungle everything all by himself. 

~

e4, d4 and g4 in the caro duuude. Maaaaan I just can't!! The stuff this man finds so damn attacking shiiiiit. And he missed that mate in one but damn dude. Aaaaaa. Such exciting chess fuck. 😭♥️

Callouts

 I feel called out 

I feel like calling someone else out

~

Hehhee... So much truth on insta some dayssss hahahha. Fuck. Too funny. ♥️

Dammit yeah though sometimes you just mad at someone cuz you miss them lmfaoooo. But shhhhhh. It's a huge secret. 

Watched a bit of the blitz match between Danya and that straw dude. Weird to see danya's drop in form at times. He used to dominate these before. I guess he has been under a lot of stress. Ever since that unhinged Kramms episode. 

I remember hating from my core when this Kramms kept on harassing Danya and then proposed oh play me to prove your innocence. I hated that on principle and tried to even tell M why. I don't know if he got my point or not. But the crux of it was just this - when someone harasses you without any proof, they are doing it to further their own agenda and spite. Offering a way out on their terms is then just trying to run a mob racket. 'I'll harass you but if you pay me I won't' is basically the crux of it. Kramms admitted as much later. He feels lonely, left out and sees danya as one of their own so is both jealous and insecure and proceeds to make a victim out of him. But people like Kramms will always be blinded by their own insecurity and rage and will always do shitty things to others with some flimsy moral shroud to mask it. This kind of malice should not ever be engaged with imo just tell them to f off. The kind of toll it seemed to take on the dude also was quite a lot. These kind of bullies always upset me, one must never ever give in to their shitty shenanigans. Tough lesson for D to learn I guess. Poor thing. He seems semi retired after that. Can't blame him, sometimes lack of support is a very crushing feeling. 

~

Idk man... I think we all need some care, comfort and acceptance sometimes. 

Lol finally this ass stopped. Good, I was beginning to think some underlying anxiety is at play, I hope I'm wrong. I do not like seeing someone distressed or ever want them to feel any genuine negatives, it actually ends up worrying me also. 

Acknowledging it directly but hope this knowledge would never be seen a bargaining chip or something to be seen as a pressure point. Like mafia that has rules against going after family, normal people should have rules of engagement also. Vulnerabilities never to be exploited is numero uno. 

~

Reading the news makes me depressed asf. Dayum dude. 

Time to reconfigure the algo to show me puppies and tennis. 

~

Really fucking miss the time when we all just waited for a stupid game of thrones episode man. Sheesh. 

~

Also, to keep it interesting - ping from tax haven countries. Let's go Panama, Vanuatu and Switzerland woohooo 🎉🙌

Dammit wtf lmao. It's fun to observe the nuggets ngl. Can't tell if someone has a very good memory or just an abnormally high strike rate. Mysteries of life. And yet I find it funny. 

Ridikulus! ⚕️Post workout happiness is to be blamed. 

~

Also, I need a nice shower so stinky. 

I felt like writing something a bit honest and a bit vulnerable and now I'm second guessing myself hmmm. 

How do you make decisions in life? 

I don't know sometimes. With some, you just have to take it as it comes maybe. That's the thing right. Life doesn't come with either a user manual or any guarantees. Sucks, but if it did then we would just be sheep. Bleating away. Most people anyway live like that. Oops. 

~

The times we do shitty things and justify them is usually when we are fearful about something. That's usually the tradeoff. Doesn't mean we are right. 

~

My biggest dilemma is always to know how much to accept and where to draw the line. A manual would have been handy. Oh well. 

~

I've all but given up on social media now. Not that I had many to begin with but maaaan. The amount of whining everywhere is unreal. Always some men v women thing where men are crying women bad and women are sharing horror stories of crazy dudes lol. 

One of the more boomer realisations I've had is that I've undervalued one of things about growing up in my country.  For better or worse it ingrains in you a certain set of family and community values. You need solid structures to keep your life running smoothly and there needs to be a sense of responsibility+ groundedness for it. A lot of my friends also have it. Like Raves, who despite being younger than me, has a loooot of rootedness in him. Probably why we get each other so damn well. I see that sense of community lacking in many societies now and I feel it's the root cause of many people feeling adrift and lonely. Hyper individualistic approach never feels good in the long run need a semblance of balance and places of acceptance which are consistent. Sadly people who need them end up following cunts like peterson. Heh. I recall that vid of his I'd sent and then realised must be sleeping with someone that day. Yeah well. Deception deception all around. Is it any wonder that I am now gone? 

~

Would I text someone if I was lying in bed with someone else? 

Never. 

Chastity, I shall always cling to thee. 

~

I will only choose solidity, no matter what. No temptation will ever come in the way of that. 

~

Anyway, no need to spell any of this out anymore. My life is going to be more and more streamlined from now, whatever and whoever wishes to be in it can plant themselves in it as long as they treat me well. Up to them, I won't mention it again. 

The kryptonite of every narcissist is accountability and your boundaries. Lol. Oops. And they play the victim instantly when called out about it. Double oops.

~

I keep getting these yt recos and while I don't doubt these people exist, at times I wonder if things are a lot more sensationalist these days purely cuz it sells a product. I don't know at times. Best never to trust yt as a source.

~

I think narcs just serve one purpose in life. They abuse you so hard that you as a person who went in with self esteem issues eventually end up having to fight for yourself and grow into one that prioritises themselves. It's a brutal asf lesson maybe but in the end it's like the bottom just keeps dropping and you can't even pretend to yourself that you can put up with that shit any longer lol. 

~

But it's always best to avoid at the first sign. Oh if only we were all that resilient. 

Ugh. Waking up to this much insanity like 💀🙄

Just. Why? 

This is not healthy, just take it easy.

Getting too nuts for my liking now. Enough

Eyyyyy. Why so crazyyyy? 😐

Smh. Stop it, go sleep. 

~

Stop the count! ⚔️

~

Nvm i'll play another. I'm sure he will fall asleep soon anyway. Or will wake up in one more hour to continue with cons who knows lol. Experimentssss. See. Zero chances of ever fessing now lmao. Zeeero. Fuck it. 

~

Omg wing gambit rockssss. Finally played a nice one booyea. Sadler is an effing genius. 

~

Omg 

😭😭😭

💀💀

~

It's good to get some rest and be at ease you know. It's good to just chill and not worry too much. Juuuuuuust stating. 

~

Like the song goes - 

please don't worry, about a thing 

For every little thing

Will be alriight. 

~

💀💀

Goodnight world! Please right yourself soon. ♥️✌️

~

Let's not go completely looney toons now.

~

Reading the news is fucking crazy and depressing these days dammit. Tf is even going on? Every article is simply doom. Hope everything becomes normal soon.

~

It's insane how easily the entire news cycle is just taken over now. Such an odd juncture the world is at. Everywhere it's just protests and people fighting whatever happened to the time when everyone was just looking forward to a game of thrones episode man.

~

Ugh. 

I feel like a tiny lil person that's overwhelmed at the state of the world :(

~

Haha this maverick going rd8 to first protect pieces and all lmaoooo. Soooo cute, showing restraint and all. Look at that, all carefully he is converting! Hehe, he is actually trying to get to a higher number! ♥️ Well, I hope he gets there I want that nice number and not from dodos like dubs. Let's goooo. Do it. Hehe. That stalemate actually hurt me ngl. I was expecting mate in one but time trouble maaaan. The one move that led to stalemate... Made me wanna throw something at that stupid fucking opponent also lmfao. Haha. This game is too brutal. 😔

Buuuut...If he goes slow and steady, I think he can do it. It'll deffo take effort and such but I do believe he has it in him. Hmmm. Hope he tries for it tbh. Will be nice. And does it over a week or so instead of all at once haha. I wish he took up some endurance sport tbh. One thing you really learn from them is to pace yourself for the incoming brutality simply guts and motivation is never enough, gotta learn to suffer and then suffer some more. 😓

~

Thing with going slow... It's like you are carefully building a house of cards and one tiny ass error leads to it collapsing. It's a wonder more people don't punch each other god that pure rage you can feel for that one second is unreal. 

~

And even as I know I'm nowhere close to that level of play, juuuust in the moment I have the same outcry like omg whyyyy and then like it takes a moment or two to calm down and come back to earth cuz soooo alert during the game. Fuck. Hahah. No wonder chess players hate criticism like who wouldn't it's insanely brutal to make a mistake. I remember telling Sadler it's like you are spending your life trying to hyper optimise something and then you face an error and it's just brutal psychologically, and he also agreed. It feels quite messed up even as an adult how these fellows did this their entire childhood idk. Keep kids away from chess lol.  

The one good thing about growing older is how much more accepting I've become of me lol. Just few years ago I felt like some baby that was scared of things going wrong etc and now it seems a lifetime ago cuz there's this solid feeling inside me that goes nahhh... Good things will come by and choose to stay, no need to worry. And slowly that's becoming a very firm feeling. I'm glad. I've always secretly admired myself a tiny bit, but now I also just love myself haha. Shameless of me, but meh. Idc, it's cool. 😎

~

And I have lost 19 times to that dumb bot. 19. Omg. The more I lose the more I want to win 😭 feels like a gambling addiction lmfao.  Side note: why tf do people gamble yuck. 

Omg marshall is such a cutie patootie omfgggggg how can a dog be so goddamn cute and chocolatey daamit looks like a walking bar of fine chocolate i love himmmmmmm aaaaaaaa!!! Stupid chocolate labs being stupid cute omggggg.

~

I feel a lot of affection towards the world today hehe. Just... Iss nice 

Hiiiiiiiii

Smh. Refresh once again and you can read this too. ✌️🙋‍♀️

~ why so unhinged also can be a good moniker lmao. Idk why I find this juvenile shit funny asf but it's just sooooooo like... Idk childish asf. I can picture someone all cosy in bed and plotting Mr. Burns style. 

~

The funny thing here is that there is nooooo way someone can now actually admit it was them ahahha. Talk about rock and hard place. Like noooooo feasible path left to actually say yes it is me and come away seeming sane. None, zero. It'll forever be one of those unsaid things now. Lmfao. And yet I know it and I suppose he does too. Oopsies. Still...idc about all this, have at it. Why so unhinged is deffo right lmao. But no worries, long as he keep the nutsness within the bounds of decency where we can both be okay and the rest is chill. I'll always have his back, even when I'm feuding with him. 🤷‍♀️. Tis' what tis'. Heh. I suppose the reason this craziness doesn't bother me is because I care about him just as much, so all it does is make me chuckle. It's silly but it'll always be between us which is why I suppose it's quite alright. Although, I bet he would like it to only be him and for me to never ever think it was him hahahha. Awwwie. Too bad, huh? I would never be okay if it was someone else though, god. I do not do extras and I would hate for someone I do not want to know me this intimately. Only one person allowed. And noone else ever. No plot twists, pls. 

~

I wonder if someone will ever understand me as much as I get this person. Not just understand but who I can feel safe being vulnerable around. Just as I know this person and all their behaviour is safe with me, I hope someday someone loves me enough to do the same for me. It would be nice, and I wish to experience that. The uneasy feeling of not being in control of everything and having to trust someone else to do right by you is like my everest lol. But I guess trust builds with time and action. In the end I will only choose the one who wins mine the right way and makes me feel respected and safe. That's a promise. 

The oddest things happen sometimes lol. My twitch notif just opened instead of swiping and I hear this person listening to Fever lol. One of my fav songs. Heh. Peggy Lee. My alt on the internet for ever so long. Hehe. And my attempt at cheeky twitter before I banished it lol. Back in the golden era of 140 chars lol. I wish I hadn't deleted that would have been fun to reread it.

♥️

 

Soooooo cute ahhahahahahhaha. Love thissss! Shopping with FedEx!! I've always thought of FedEx as a tad selfish but this is just so sweet. 

~

Men who understand the importance of valuing their partners are just the best man. He is so right. One cannot always give without receiving. Hahah. Ask me about it. It's like my entire being just dies and feels empty when someone just takes, takes, takes and never once gives back. Never again! 

No wonder they are so solid together too. I love how much affection and reliability there exists between them as well. 

Maaaaan I want a sweet guy like this. Hehe. I hope I find him soon! ♥️

Self protection

I have to admit this guy was right about T, seeing the chaos that man is creating now is unreal. I should have listened to him when he said it the first time. Definitely on the money. 

~

The world is filled with people who can do harm, I think it's best to have filters in life that avoid letting the wrong sort in. I hadn't learnt this growing up, but now I'm certain that letting go of people who don't approach you or treat you the right way is simply the best choice. People like T will keep looking for chinks in your armor to exploit you and it's best never to engage with them in the first place. It's important to treat others fairly, it's also important to protect youself. 

Shields upppp! ⚔️🛡️

~

I had a sickening feeling in Jan, like something hellish will be let loose. It feels like being stuck in Gotham. Idk when the tipping point comes and wtf is going to happen before things become calm again but damn man. What a shit timeline to be in currently. 

~

But on a lighter note I wish I could ask him if he is maga now hahahahaha shiiiit. Something about asking a v blasphemous thing is just sooo hilarious too. 💀😂♥️ Just read someone comment ' dying in wwiii would be the cherry on top of the millennial shit sandwich I've already been fed' and I legit could not stop laughing at it. Some people are just hilarious. Disgruntled humor is just too peak. Hahahha. Dayum. 

Talking to people from the past feels soooo weird at times. It's like they are all stuck in the same shitty dynamic they carried forward since forever. And then they try to suck you back into that as well. Damn dude. Dad was right when he told me stay the fuck away from people who drag you down lol. I always thought I was a bit snooty but now I think that was right, interacting with insecure people never leads to anything good, just drama. And the minute I come away, I feel a sense of relief. 

Hmmm. I guess these are simply not my spaces and I do not want to engage more than necessary. 

Ugh..that bot I found is so much fun to play and I know I can beat it. UGHHHHG. It's beating me silly and yet I knooooow i can do it aaaaaa. 

Imma tank my rating so goddamn hard soon. Fuck it, idc I'm gonna really have to calculate at every move good this beating is the only way I'll learn 

Neimz again talking about no invites and his mentor busy harassing Danya who lost 15-0 to some kid. 💀 Why are people so unhinged and why is it that in 2025 of all the things I find myself feeling sorry for neims? Rensch also implying shit yet again just to promote a documentary noone is gonna watch anyway. How sad are people, just selling morals for no reason.  Can someone, anyyyyone... Just rise above? For onceeeee I want to read something positive sheesh. 

~

Idk man. Whenever I see these people and how terribly they act towards each other I honestly feel so repulsed. Long back I saw someone comment that they got banned from neims chat for trying to hit on him and I actually found it respectable. He isn't trying to encourage non chess stuff which is actually great. I remember noting long back that he doesn't seem disrespectful towards women, doesn't immediately jump to acting like they are sex objects. Tbf even bartholomew and a bunch of others don't. They set and maintain standards. It's nice. 

~

Only 2025 could bring about such a change that you end up feeling respect for a guy like neimz. But I honestly do respect that he is trying to do better and not encouraging low quality behaviour. Who tf would have though he of all peeps would do that haha. What a topsy turvy world we live in? Well, good on him. I'm saturated with the low quality behaviour that's getting spammed everywhere now, feels like seeing trash tv that is unrelenting. Time for quality spaces to start existing once again. 

Best

 Maaaan. This is so cute. 

So many lil lil nuggets on lichess ugh. Adorbs. A page for all best live games. And it's just simply games/best. How adorable. Thibs really thinks of everything in the simplest and most elegant manner. Hehe. And it looks super cute to see all the pieces move in real time like tiny ants busy with their little enterprises. Love it. This fellow is also in the mix but I won't send it to him. Not seeing that stupid lol there again

Pms

Everytime I feel sad, Every time I cry. I get my periods the next day. And then I forget and am fine for 25 days. Every time. 😐 

~

Rereading the stuff I deleted and I'm quite surprised at how it was written and how woebegone I felt lol. Day before periods really does mess with mood.

~

None of what I thought was untrue though. Heh. That part possibly sucks the most. Hmmm. And on this fine, sunny morning... I finally remembered why that lawyer thing had annoyed me. I recalled when I first went by him in like 2022 or so... his friend mentioned his dad was one. And later he told me his dad was a doc so I was puzzled. Then later made the connect that one must be a step parent. Then never spoke of it or asked because seemed personal. Only to have him pretend like he couldn't recommend the name of a stupid law firm when I needed it. What kinda person does that man. 

And this just leaves me irritated at myself for having been so careful and caring towards him, and his feelings when all he did was get pleasure by hurting me and then acting all shady towards me. And then coming by to read all about it cuz I guess that made him happy. 💀 Who does shit like this dude. Seriously. Even that 900+ thing hoaxing like I too noticed that exact same insta thing at that time? 🙄. For someone acting like oh privacy is privacy he sure as shit didn't have an issue considering mine. Ugh. Sad part is that's not even something that bothers me in the least it's the other unrelenting dickery that does. Well, he got all stubborn and didn't speak to his friend also for ages even though I kept telling him to talk because ofc one must only care about our fragile ego and never the people who have our backs. Blah. Not like his friend has his back so whatever... Both are asses. Good. Deserve each other only. 🙄🖕

~

Well, let's not think of negative stuff, atleast try not to. It is hard when mood gets sucky but meh. Power through. 

~

I should just start leaving little notes to him here for whenever he stops by also lol. " Hey darling! Long time no see! Hope you doing well. Tee hee!" 

~

Gah. Whatever. Had to snark. But it is well deserved so why not. 

~

900 fucking times in lieu of just saying yo what's up. Sheesh. Needs one nice amount of shouting, truly. Unhinged of me also to not mind that and take it in stride but if I had to judge him and write him off I'd have done it eons ago anyway. Guess I just understand people a bit too well for my own good. 

🙄

I also need a shouting but what would be the point? Not like I'm not stubborn asf either. 

Baby bros bday! 🎈🎂 He is a baby no mo. Asking for gift to be delivered haha. So cute ya! Hope it reaches today! 🤞hehe and just discovered he shares bdays with Fisher I hope he doesn't go insane! 🤞🤞

Women's day

Vishy's post for Polgar just was so nice. Posting one of his losses to her. He has always been appreciative of her, I respect that so much. To acknowledge someone, give them respect. He has been consistent about it as well. One thing only secure men and women can do. Hehe. These little things are the traits of a champion man. Not everyone can be one. 

~

I think in general people who are competitive find it hard to rise about pettiness to give credit to other peers. But once they can, it shows that they grow and realise that they aren't the centre of the universe and that there's a lot more to life and living than just playing a game. It's great to be competitive but you should realise that the universe is fucking huge and you are but a speck. A touch of genuine humility is important to keep your own self in check. 

~

Hehe. Even dad wished me and mum today, it feels so cute. ♥️ Guys should really know how to fuss over women and make them feel nice hehe. 

Tun tung tung tung

I found you in 2022. And fell in love with your voice. I did, I do, I always will. That lovely deep rumble. 

Ocean of Night

~

This is your slow dance and this is your chance to transform

Lost in a moment

The moment your confront the storm

~

Do it. Just do it. Hehe. Face your own storm and tell it ' you shall not pass' gandalf style 

~

I am your hope down the wire

So you can hold back the fire

~

Ugh. Voices. They fucking get me everytime. 

~

I found a lot of music that year. And a lot of life. I felt just so alive. This ezpz, not so famous song became one I loved, and I know exactly why. Sometimes you don't need masterpieces, right time, right place and it all just fixes itself. 

Shadows

Seeing Kyrgios crying after his wrist injury. For a moment I felt a bit bad for him. But that moment passed and irritation set in. I just hate what he represent. I respect sports and athletes a lot. Endurance sports are my own personal preference. The mental aspect of it is what I love because of its brutality and demand for discipline. Seeing a man like kyrgios. Just trying to fly on "generational talent" etc. is so loathsome to me. The lack of discipline, the drinking, the sleeping late, no care about fitness and then wanting the tag of swashbuckler who didn't try but could have been great if he did. All of it I dislike. People like this are noisy and make themselves out to be more than they are. But that weak mentality is always their undoing. I would have felt empathy if it was genuine struggle or if he were trying but this stuff is just childish whining to me, and one of the few things I look on with such hardness in my heart. There must be some kind of reason why I dislike it as well. 

~

I think I just hate erraticness as well. Like I look down on it. I've always hated it when people lose control and snap all the time or just ... Idk like lack any semblance of command over their choices. It feels like seeing an alcoholic or an addict who just can't help themselves and idk ... Something about that isn't appealing to me at all. I always feel like you gotta try to be better, you gotta try to do well, you gotta more than anything have self control and self censoring. 

When I dated that semi abusive dude many moons ago. I recall not being afraid of him but just annoyed and disdainful at his outbursts and general lack of consistency. Lol. Damn, it's one of the few times in life I was just like yuck. And I realised at the time that men like that are so weak I would never like them, just look down on them. 

~

I guess in the end it's not really Kyrgios I dislike I don't know him. But the persona he embodies, the characteristics... All of that is something that's kinda repulsive to me. I like rooted, grounded folks that can do the grind and not take their bullshit out on others around them. It's the only respect worthy trait. Whining, whinging, out of control ego that just a front for massive insecurity. All of it is just so 🤢. Sheesh, just work on yourself. 

~

A lot of this might be my shadow side. Or maybe psychology is all a hoax so we buy their books. 

Characters

Meeting cousin after so long. It was so nice of him to drop by. I really do like some of my mom's side peeps esp this family. They are all so sweet and kind. I enjoy company like this. We aren't similar in the true sense but there's a camaraderie you feel when you have the same kind of concern towards each other. It's interesting how his entire family is loved by all, but I suppose it's cuz they are very kind and sweet themselves. 

~

I've become a lot more mild and sweet as a person too. Especially in speech. I'm so much more affectionate now. Hehe. I guess the ice has melted somewhat. I like that. I know I'll never be mild mannered, nor do I wish to be. But I wish to be around people like my cousin and similar. It's such a stark contrast to people like C etc. Around him I'm always on edge cuz he is soooo overbearing and kinda crosses boundaries a lot. I guess secure people are rare, and easier to spot. You never have to be an observer around them. You can just be. Hehe. 

~

My book of characters and personalities is growing. My empathy tends to make them uninteresting though. To be interesting, I have to maybe... Just maybe... Dive into the flawed ones just to derive conflicts haha. Well, for books and stories I can use this. For real life, it had to be good ones that give you peace. 

~

Also, I'm legit tired of talking today lol. I can't do sessions that long man. Haha. Who would have thought. But yeah it is tiring to just sit in a place and talk. Dayum. Need some alone time to recharge. Comfortable silences are very overlooked hehe. 

New year

Oo shana tova. Interesting. Man, I really like this show so much. Hmmm. And wine for new years too. How nice. 

Heyyy... So when this fellow said he has a glass of wine occasionally is this the occasion? Or more liiiies? Haha. Drunk in bars trying to pick up ladies more likely. Heh.✌️and telling me not to lol. 

~

I can ask maya about all this when I speak to her. Idk if she is that religious tbh. But probably atleast knows the basic stuff like we all do about ours. Haha. If someone quizzed me about mine idk what I could tell. Actually the most things I know are from the stories my grandmother told me as a kid. Man, I used to love that. Every night just badger her to tell me more and more tales. Hehe. But that was good I actually learnt a lot. Learning this stuff as a kid just makes you happy like you are listening to tales that are marvellous. There's a certain affection I hold for that. It's so nice when you are brand new. The entire world is your lil playground. It's sad we lose that innocence as we age. I held on to mine for so long. Reading some old diary entries and my god I was suuuuch a baby. So damn innocent. Haha. I wish sometimes I hadn't needed to grow up. It would simply have meant that I had a blessed life. I still do, I love it and I love how fortunate I am. But a tiny part of me really wishes it was just a simple sweet thing. Eh naaaah. I'm happy with my lot tbh. I'm happy and grateful and happy to grow up and grow older hehe. No regrets, just love! Hehe shana tova to us all, may 2025 be good. So cheesy, but who cares. 💕

Watching the knightodds bot destroy Dubov also. Man, it's remarkable how it plays. Just love it. I get why I love sadlers games so much too, they are all moulded like this. I love it. Somehow as a spectator it's sooo much easier to understand plans idk why that is. There's something about attention here I'm missing I want to badly rectify that. Hmmm. And dubs is 2829 just needs to drop a point for the one number I like haha. He is a good player, that one. 

~

I see Naptha added RefuteMyGambit as a bot today too. Interesting. It has morra and reverse morra too. This guy might actually like it. Well, if you sneak by here, check it out when you do read it lol. 

https://lichess.org/g2Y9lCEY/white

Cheers! 

~

Waking up with less then 5 hours sleep and more dark circles than I've ever seen in life and trying to SMILE. 

Stupid sunshine making the day sunny. 

I felt a genuine, piercing sense of hurt today. Followed by the realisation that it would not matter. 

~

Tf was I even thinking... 

~

The Star

Oh my god.

I am stunned. 4 pages is all it took for Clarke to write this stunning masterpiece. 

I am speechless at the ending. Just. Wow. Absolutely wow. 

~

I think it's the best short story I have ever read period. It's so profound I feel uneasy. Lol.

~

Rereading the last question also and this time around I'm so not convinced with its flow. Hmmm. I guess I find Jorge Luis a lot more intricate but I suppose Asimov is a lot more accessible? It's interesting the complexity difference between the two. Never thought I would say this but yeah, Asimov is actually a bit more simplistic to me. Entertaining yes. But not in the same league. And yet, the simplicity is what makes it more accessible somehow. Borges is so much more complex that it makes for difficult reading. Atleast for me. Hmmm. 

Reminder

Note to self: You never know what someone is dealing with.. never. It always struck me how positive this person used to be in the building chats, and I thought he was a retired person only to find out this today when he shared it. Man. It feels so gutting sometimes to realise this stuff. 

~

Always choose kindness it's the safest and best option. Even when you are annoyed asf. There are days when I feel stretched to the max, and my patience wears thin but I really must remind myself in those moments that it's of utmost importance to choose to respond with empathy. 

~

It's humbling to realise how people who sometimes deal with so much often show such a sunny disposition and a happy countenance to the world. It would be so hard to do that. 

Rough Diamonds

My new hobby of watching a show while cycling is giving me new info. Seeing rough diamonds and I actually didn't know orthodox Judaism is a matrilineal society. That's so nice. The prayers around the dining table is actually something I can't understand because of language, but it's just interesting how so many cultures have similar tradition. I love the concept of challah. Hehe, cuz I love bread too and it looks absolutely delish on top of the custom being something I like. One should always give thanks and be grateful for what we have. Keeps us grounded and teaches us humility. Hmmm. I've always felt religion is best understood when you aren't born in it, because people don't get to force your views and you can freely look at things and understand them. And there is no burden of obeisance. In this way, my lens is atleast clear and I'm glad. 

~

Hehe and the old bearded grandad at the head of that table is sooo cute. Grandpa Ezra. P also named her daughter that. I remember her loving the name. 

~

If M grows his beard out and grows super old, he will also look as adorbs as this grandpa. Although this grandpa seems all mild and sweet lol. Whereas he will be a total grumps hahahhaa. Heh. The version of him that possibly just exists in my imagination is so damn lovable. Hehe. 

~

Why are oldie grandads so cute man? Ugh. 

Interesting that a matrilineal society still has a man at the head of the table, eh? I don't know how to feel about that. 

~

Hmmm. But I always see this way of binding a family together under religion to be a way to preserve businesses tbh. It's easy for me to observe something from a distance and see the value in it but living it when it's forced on you is very different. Part of why I hated business stuff growing up was simply because there's usually one head that creates it and the rest have to keep toeing the line in order to get their share and something about that is so abhorrent to me. Independence in choices is something that I've valued before I could even understand that. My rebellion since I was a kid was simply so I could maintain autonomy and choose to live my life my way. .  Esp since parts of my fam seemed so controlling and regressive that I just could not allow myself to give in. And I've always known this one thing... if you have greed for something... that's your yoke which is self imposed. Today, as an adult I have all the freedom I want. And when I now look at this stuff, I feel like ... The parts of me that are diplomatic and willing to compromise exist but only for things I deem of value to me. I can manage people, I know that. But I'd only choose to do so if I want to - for someone I care about. I've always made sure to give room, try to read someone's wishes and be a supportive presence in their lives. But I do it cuz I care and only because I have the autonomy to choose. If someone tried to make me ... That won't happen, I can't digest what I would then interpret as servitude.  I know that creating or being part of a family needs diplomacy, care, value and I'd provide it ezpz from my side but only because I actually like and respect the person I'm with and for a more selfish reason too - cuz I want to create a happy, stable life and part of that is ensuring that you... Dammit... That you bind family together well. Hahah. Shit. Boomer me. Well I'd do it for love not money, but I can't pretend like my motives would be any less selfish. It's just the end goal that's different. Oh well, I don't have any illusions about mine and what I value and choose to protect. Hmmm. Lol. I think like coders only. Task... What it requires to be accomplished... Best way to do it. Figure. Lots of things in the world can be accomplished if you take ego out of the equation. I guess this might be my one traditional thought as well. Women should bring families together. And so should men tbh. You only enable a woman to do so if you respect and support her. So I guess maybe not so much of a traditional thought.  + idk dude... Make your own bag yo. Don't depend on others to do it for you. Autonomy only comes from the ability to support yourself. Life is sweet when your life is about your own choices. 

~

Oh no! Grandpa Ezra fell. :( dammit he is so cute man. Ugh. He is totes the older version of this fellow hahah. Plus they all have fantastic hair haha. 

~

Oh this show is set in current times I didn't know people in Antwerp actually wore traditional attire even now. Wait, then why is that widow lady looking to meet such old 60+ yo dudes and not ones her age? Weird. And Grandpa Ezra's wife doesn't want a goyish woman to help her in her big home hahahahhaha. Shit. Idk why that made me laugh, just the inappropriateness lmfao. Old people and their discomfort with anything not familiar. Geriatrics are deffo the most racist fucks out there but just so funny at the same time. 

~ 

Ooo AK's wife also comes from a diamond merchant family no. I wonder if her extended family is similar to this too. Both our diamond community and this one are so similar in customs. And both love money above all ahha. 

~

Switched to some Finegold vid and zomg. Is he ok? Looks very sickly and was shaking so much. God, I hope it's nothing serious that tremor looked like Parkinson's. He used to also have a facial tremor. Oh man. Hope I'm wrong asf. Changed upon this after so long and was such a different person from the one I remember. 

~

The Florida Project

It's crazy how time makes such a difference in perspective. The first time I saw this movie, I loved it. But I never appreciated some of the nuances of the supporting cast. Now that I'm older, I kinda get the adults who don't want their kids to hang out with the troublemaking kids. I'd never viewed life from the pov of people in the service industries and generally trying to get by. Nor was single unwed young mothers a thing I was used to considering. They themselves are kids so they can't exactly be role models. Damn man. But the end result is just kids growing up without any semblance of continuity or decency like how do you correct that? It's never right to blame kids ofc, but sometimes you also can't blame the parents it's just a cycle of bad choices that gets you there. 

Dammit yo. I'm actually understanding these boomers and the fears they might have had. Hmmmm. 

I still love this film, it's absolutely beautiful. But it's a more sombre beauty in my eyes now. I love that the lens of a child is used though, it's somehow so liberating and innocent. Kids are precious. Most definitely! 

~

Childhood is funny. You are in your own world and these adults are just in the background being adults but we never think of the phenomenal role they play in keeping us safe. That scene where these kids go into an abandoned building and start doing bs just gave me anxiety lmao. Lighting shit on fire. Crazy. Or that pedo who comes by. And I couldn't help but judge that lady for taking bikini selfies with that small kid like why would you? Women like her also gets exploited so much don't they? Esp if they are pretty? No support, predator like guys everywhere? It's really sad man. Lmao, I'm such a boomer. But damn man. Gotta make good choices in life. Esp with kids involved. 

Yep. I am a boomer. 

~

I loved the part where the kid is sitting on a tree and eating bread and jam. Heh. Reminds me of my fav tree as a kid, I loved to climb it and chill in it by myself haha. Best ever! 

~

In India, someone that poor will simply not have the option of wasting their life the way this woman does though. Some people are so privileged even in the midst of fucking up their lives. It's that privilege that makes people shitty. Little to no consequences and a whole lot of time to do more fuckery. For that, I do not have any sympathy, just a whole lot of contempt. Plus resorting to prostitution as a way to not get a job is just pathetic man. And the sheer audacity people have to yell at others who do then a good turn is just. Yeah misbehaving like that is soooo ungrateful sheesh. Lol. Ok boomer. Fuck hahahaha. I really am one.