2025

Welcome. 

This is going to be an epic year. ♥️

Let's gooooo!!!

Shittiness

I don't really feel anything anymore. That's nice. Good stuff. Racism and meanness isn't something I wish to endure anyway. Hard pass.

~

Yeah. 

Anyone who could treat me in this horrendous way is not worth it. It's just emotionally abusive.

Whatever, just a guy whose friends refer to women as holes and who avoided speaking to me even after knowing akka died. The lack of quality is remarkable. Blah. + All those panic moves about sreya, telling me about crohns right after, which puzzled me and then I realised oh he told me cuz she is studying it. Spoke about it at length I'm assuming to see if I knew or had made the connect then. Getting her to hide. It's all so sketchy. He should have just said he was seeing her. Noone does all this for anyone otherwise anyway like. 💀 And then coming here and knowing all about me and what I think also. Great. Just a low quality cheater man. How sad. Lies and cheating, that's all. When you see first hand how much damage cheating does, how do you become a person who does the same belittling things to others? Why no ethics ever?

I just don't think I have anything positive left to say or even think and it is all his fault for being so duplicitous all the time. 

None of this is forgivable. And I guess don't want to know him at all anymore tbh. Finally reached that point.

~

Fuck it, 2025 is here and I look forward to a great year. Let's make room for genuine niceness from now. 

Ahahahhahahahaha omggggg. Gustaffson holy fuck mannnn. "Even eric rosen doesn't know how to play his own Stafford, why did you do this to us Erenberg? "

"Everyone and their dog knows the move oohhh"

Ahahahahhaha fuuuuck how howwww does he just say this?! Omgggg

The pain in his voice 😭😭😭😭😭

Mocked

So much showmanship. Interesting. When I did theatre, I hated it. I hated acting because it felt like I was being inauthentic. So I refused. Dug in my kitten heels and said no teacher. Thou shall not make me learn. And yet, when I see you do it. I wonder to myself. What bit of you is real? If it's so easy to hoodwink people, wouldn't it be so easy to hoodwink me? Would you ever hesitate, or would you simply pull the trigger? 

Heh. My money is always on the latter, and yet I always hope for the former. My mind always watching out for me, my heart saying fuck it let go just leap. 

Sell me a dream honey, maybe I'd buy it just for a day. I'd always know when you lie to me though, I just... Meh. I guess I let you get away with it. Like a 5 yo that hides chocolate you know. They make me smile, but I don't quite hate them for it. They've never made me cry though. That's a point in their favour. You on the other hand...Hehe. I'll leave that unanswered. Hehe. Oh well.

Some women are so damaged. 💀 Oof. Like. To go after a guy with a wife and family just so you can feel like you matter. Sheesh. And to try and steal them. I judge the fathers for putting their kids through this. But damn man that's gotta just suck to have your world destroyed. I think I would be like this woman if ever someone cheats on me. Devastated, but done. Cheaters just suck dude. They just suck donkey balls. 

Women like these are just thieves. That's all. Just shitty conniving thieves who aren't worth a dime and the men the con are also pathetic losers tbh. I feel disdain for all people like these. 

~

Part of me that has given up on people... You should have really done it sooner. 

Hehe

 We are all children 💀

Just saw that last post in my drafts and I have no clue what I intended to write but who cares it's a complete story by itself. Hehe. 

~

Watching world rapid and blitz and it's so hard to follow so many games damn. 

~

You know. Lately, esp the last couple of months... It feels as if some veil just went away and it helps me appreciate life and people in a more objective way. Idk what changed tbh but suddenly I don't really feel like I'm beholden to someone but instead I see my own importance in their lives. I feel a lot of stuff is very unspoken at times and we all act and react out of a sense of impulse but for me the more I'm able to appreciate myself and my role, it helps me solidify my own sense of groundedness. I don't feel flaky but more importantly I feel like I should also court quality that matches my core. I have always had a puritan approach to this, and to be honest it's not like I seek something fancy, but I do want quality in terms of character and their treatment of me. I want to feel values and I know only a person or people secure within themselves will be able to provide that for me. 

Talking to bro and discussing all this helps me be happy for him as well, knowing that he has some good people around him. I'm glad. I love him so much, he is one of the most important people in the world to me. Hehe. There's very few who have my heart, and I want to share it with ones who are genuinely in my corner as well. I have started making room for that and I look forward to stable groundedness. Hopefully if there are any insecurities left, they get ironed out in due course. 

I love 

Wow talked to bro after so long and felt so good. I love that he is intelligent and a good conversationalist. Become a lot more grounded too, that's so nice to see. Hehe. Good stuff man. So happy he is my bro! ❣️ And his friend likes my writing hehe. So she is my friend too now. Love it!!

The one day I eat like crap I end up just regretting it. Interesting. Have actually lost the desire to eat anything unhealthy now. Feels very gross. Is this adulthood?

Coherence and Triangle. Such good movies omg. Finally watching something great after so long. Hehe. It's a good Christmas 🎄🎁

Man but coherence lmao such idiots in the movie haha. Mind is boggling at how they are reacting

Didn't work out and I'm feeling so restless can't seem to stay still

Loyalty stems from respect no. I guess that's why it's so important. Without respect, what do you even have? No trust, just insecurity lol. Whenever I feel the urge to run away, it's always cuz I sense a lack of. I can't take that. It is what it is. 🤷‍♀️

~

Tis what tis

~

But I don't think it'll ever come to that tbh. I somehow just feel like things will be okay. Heh. It's a weird unsettling feeling or rather used to be when I thought I needed to be all vigilant but I guess you gotta give people a chance too. And once you decide to, you can't pull the carpet from under their feet all the times. Atleast I want to go back to being that normal nice person I always was. Free, breezy, like banter and just have fun. One can do both. Be serious and be fun. 

And I also don't want to be the kind of person that threatens someone's security. I think it's wrong to just disappear on someone. It's also wrong that this one person in particular will get all egoistic and not reach out themselves lol. Gaandu. But whatever like. It's not as if I want someone to beg me to stay or prostrate themselves obv. Nor do I want to be the cause of anxiety in anyone. But I do want to feel like I'm important to them. That matters to me a lot. 

+ What I interpret as him doing wrong doesn't justify what I do either. It ends up being reactive only. Gotta reach calmer waters at some point ya. Can't just be a dick. Anyway, let's try to do better and more responsive. I have no intention of diluting my own needs or wants, nor do I intend to give unnecessary importance to someone who wouldn't be good to me, but I don't have to be a dick either. At the end of the day the bottom line is that I wish to be around someone who gives me importance the right way, no half assery. 

~

And I wish to be someone who has read Tal's book zomg. Love it so much. 

He forgot his bday and this guy didn't even remember to wish him???? Wtf dude. God I'm actually so upset at this like he is his friend, he misses him when he isn't around, talks about him all the time and the one day where he could have made him feel special and important, he just forgot and let him play chess that many times? Like wtf.  

Ugh it's so heartbreaking for me to hear honestly fuck rn I just feel shocked like some poor soul just sitting by themselves playing while their friends don't even bother to wish. What's with boys and their weird fucking behaviour man. Why can't they be nice to each other and fuss a little bit and make them feel important wtf. Aaaaaaaa. I'm so mad at himmmmmmmmm.

These boys dudeeee ..... Aaaaaaaa. They just don't know how to express anyyyyyyy soft sides. And they'll love it when you actually do it for them but then act like oh I'm so manly no emotions look at meeee. Ughhh.

I realised I've started pulling back without any notice. I've never done that before with anyone. And to me, I feel justified always cuz I feel I do that when I'm very hurt. But I was wondering how it might come across and is it also kinda stressful for the other person. I've never had to wonder this before tbh cuz it's literally never happened before with anyone else. But I don't like that it's become a pattern. All this was also predicated on me thinking he doesn't give a shit etc and he keeps acting like he doesn't. But if he does, then for sure my behaviour also must be hurtful. Hmmm. Is it? I guess even I've been seeing things only from my pov. 

Anyway, I don't think it is going to happen with anyone else cuz honestly most people understand how to bring balance and simple things like reaching out on their own isn't hard for most people. A strange anomaly in that it's very uncharacteristic of me to also behave aloof. Hmmm. It is stressful for sure but idk what to do also. I'm not wrong in expecting them to do their bit and be nice. Maintaining equations is a two way street but well. I suppose since he always has random women catering to him, it's easy to get attention so it's possible he doesn't value anyone's. Easy come, easy go probably. But then why should I give a shit. I guess it's best I stay away if that's the case anyway. Not like I wanted some dramatic chase or someone begging me to be around but it can't always boil down to a struggle for bare minimum. Whatever man... If someone doesn't appreciate me, then I have no reason to stay or do anything further either. See there I go again building on the idea that this person doesn't care. Hmmm. If I'm wrong and they do, then I have to accept that this push pull is also partly my fault. Granted this time around it came by because of that awful thing his friend said. But all other times even I acted out of fear and such. Crap. 

And on top of it he had read all those wailings all the time but still stuck around and I'm sure they must have hurt him also. We are both kinda mocked in this tbh. Lol. Funny to think about how many times some random ass miscommunication+ over communication must have happened. A comedy of errors and terrors. But the idea that I also must have hurt him suuuucks. And that ass is super sensitive also. 

And it's not okay to freeze someone out. For both of us to do that I mean. It's hurtful to me when he doesn't reach out but seeing how much he acts out when I'm not talking then it must be to him also. Aaaaaa shit. Why am I realising this only today?

Crap. Crap. Crap. 

Sucker punched by perspective. 💀

And he couldn't tell me he knows either. Mocked and how. What a dodo man. Should have just fessed up and it would have been normal and I also would not have so liberally waxed poetic. Haha talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Well darling, that part was of your own doing. Now that I know I'll be a lot more cognizant that he can peek once in a while and be a bit more considerate in my wailings. 

Well, my goal was always to be honest here no matter what. And being considerate towards him is a part of that because I honestly want to be as well. So if that means tempering the wails so they aren't hurtful to him then I'm happy to embrace that going forward. Can't change the past but I'll try to be nice henceforth. First time in my life I'm choosing to give a space to someone in my sanctuary. They didn't ask for it, they just sauntered in, but now that they have they can stay and I'll try to make it a pleasant experience. 

~

And I see that friend of his playing a shit ton these last few days I hope he is okay. Idk. 

~

Ok but what should I do now lol. Someone needs to tell me how to be an adult I fear at times I really don't know how to. 

~ 

I kinda wanna wait for him to reach out this time around though. I have made room for a lot of not so great behaviour and it's not expecting a lot. Let's see. Hmmm. God I hate these stupid ego battles they are so unnecessary. I'll break the ice this time. Having said that, I do believe I will pull back for good if I am met with inconsideration here on out. I can't give benefit of doubt in lieu of actions that count. I find it hard to trust that I'm safe with him currently and I won't bring down those barriers until he earns that place in my life. Or someone else can take that place. 

Beat a 2108 mofo. That was good. Whew. Really wanted to hell yeah. And no blunders either fuck yeah. 

David Gray.

 I remember loving David Gray

This year's love

Used to find this beautiful. 

Last night on an old old video of agad I see SH's name crop up as a donor. Didn't even know he played chess. Fuck. Crazy. Don't know if it's him but fuck man. Time flies. All my ties to L and the past. God SH you must be devastated hearing about her. You are such an asshole dude. Married her best friend in the end. Not that she was ever faithful. And both of you I loved too. Wtf was that garbage dude. I can't even think of you fondly, you are just a person who made the worst choices ever. Pathetic. But you were also my first love, and my first tryst with loyalty. I'd have never kissed you if I knew you liked her, and she was with my best friend at the time. It made me sick. I do not touch what's not mine and none of you ever understood that. And those lies you both told made me betray my friend, I felt so guilty for years when I couldn't tell him what you guys were doing behind his back. I did come clean last year. After so long. And it hurt him even now. God both of you were so fucked up yo. But a timestamp into the events that shaped the person I am today. I don't give a fuck about you, even though I did a double take last night to see your name pop up. And you are with N, married to her. Hooked up with my friend in my bedroom too. You shitty father asked me to come to your place for dinner long after you left. Pathetic. And apple falling right under the tree with you. Fuck dude. All you guys just spent all your times just being shitty humans that is alllll. And I know all you will think of now is L. Just such a fucked up thing for you to do man. While being married to her ex best friend lol. Come on. Both of you are destructive people. Selfish, crazy and completely not worth it once anyone sees your real face. And yet all I feel towards you all is compassion. Because I know when life comes calling we can all fall short and that's when we start to value what the right thing is. Crazy you guys never figured it out. Not that the knowledge makes things better. So maybe it's good to never know. Lol. What a shit show uni and 20s were. So fucking lame this stuff was. Fuck it. 

Heh. 

David Gray. 

Won't you kiss me on that midnight street? 

~

I don't hope for songs like this. I think good genuine love lasts, and it always matters. As do the two people who love each other. I will never be cavalier enough to love again and again. I will do it once and do it right. 

~

And heyyyy the scientist. Haha. Yes. See. That's more me. One of the few coldplay tracks I love. And you liked x n y if I recall. Always the drama queen weren't you ?

~

Tell me your secrets, ask me your question. I will answer them all. ♥️ It would be a shame for us to part after all. Oh so shameful it would be. 

~

Dec 4, 2016. I posted about you David Gray. Called you the bees knees of singing. And Nov 9 2015. Called you a crooner then. Hehe. Well, you have been replaced. 

By him: 

Crash into me

And I come intoooooooo you. Hehe. Cheeky cheeky. Maybe that's why I love you. Sass me darling, with that sparkle in your eye, just sass me lots. I'll twinkle back. 

There is a part of me that doesn't express how I feel directly to someone. Or rather used to be. And now I feel like I'm comfortable pouring my heart out and sharing every tiny little thing that matters to me. But the special thing about it is that this self not for everyone, and I like that. I like knowing that I can be totally honest and naked in front of someone of my choosing. I like that. I like the secrecy and the cosiness of it both. I'm a very private person, and my inner world has always been my sanctuary so it means a lot to me to invite someone in. I never thought I'd be comfortable with it but now it feels like the easiest thing in the world. Fuck. That's such a huuuuge change for me. I never even realised when I got here. Hehe. I hope my presence is also similarly of help and healing in someone's life and they feel the same urge to be honest and naked with me haha. No cheek intended, but still. Possibly why I don't like guys who just sleep around all the time either. They all seem like cheap common hookers, pandering their wares to whoever is willing. Just sad and washed up. 

Well let me not digress. And cheers to naked. Somedays I just wish to unbutton and put my hands on ze chest. That thought makes me feel very girly and feminine. Maybe that's why I like my men a little masculine. Not brutish, refined - but just a bit aggressive and protective. I like the tinkle of my laugh next to their ruggedness, it feels divine. And something about my hand on your chest would kinda feel like calming the storm. The storm may be you, but I'll always try to bring you peace. The intersection of that dichotomy is where all seduction lies. Hehe. Promise. 👉👌 ♾️

Life and times of M Tal

I want to read a nice chess book today. Think I'll start with Kasparov's. Ugh but I want to read that Tal book also. Dammit. 

~

Omg I started the tal book and I can FINALLY SEE THE NOTATIONS AS MOVES IN MY HEAD AS I READ THEM OMGGGGG

AAAAAAAAA

THIS FEELS SO GOOD I'M A REAL CHESS PLAYER NOWWWWWWWW 

💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

~

20 pages in and already I love this book! 😍

~

Such an interesting way to write as well. I love the documentary style anecdotes. V cool. I'm eager to finish this soooooon. 

Heh. The tradition of respect. It's a thing that is recurring in all art and creative circles too. "Respect" for certain behaviours. I guess in my own way I have my own set of rules that govern who I respect and why as well. How people choose to behave is the primary thing for me as well. Everything else about them...what they can do etc takes a backseat. Humanity above all else. Guess that's why I do not respect the nepos and kramms of the world. To me, they are just guys who spent their time optimising how to play a board game. Which - interesting as it may be - can never take precedence over actual human decency and behaviour. And people who hide behind the guise of elo to subject others to dogshit behaviour aren't worthy humans. I recall Einstein being extremely upset that Lasker chose to play chess instead of devoting himself to science and math and he was appalled at why someone this smart would choose a path so meaningless to Einstein. I kinda get that. I understand the fascination for the game, but I do feel if people like Kramms etc had taken their tenacity and devoted it to medicine or science their contributions to the world would have been far more meaningful. And we would not have some 50 yo man children bullying 10 yo kids lol. But yeah, this stuff is not respect worthy. There are many who are ofc, I respect Sadler immensely. And I'm sure there are many others like him as well who are grounded, clever but most importantly... Good human beings. Magnus, Vishy etc...The world needs more people like that. I suppose it's up to us what we choose to devote our time to, and what skills we sharpen. But in the end our area of impact is always going to be how we treat others and how our choices impact our surroundings. That's one thing everyone has in common but very few figure out. Rest are just stories of glory we live in our heads haha. 

Atta boy! See now this is what you should always do. RESIST THE FUCKING URGE TO TRADE QUEENS ON MOVE 6. ♥️

and be an uppity CM that ain't afraid of any world number 3 haha. But that's the thing. If your love for game is pure, I don't think you'd be afraid of anything, simply savouring the experience. If your ego is in the way, then you'll be fearing the non essentials. There has to be a better articulation for this. But I do believe it to be true, however difficult it may be to practically achieve in reality. 

Ahahahahahaha. I love you, Tal. I love you. ❣️

Duuuudeeeee!!!! 

THIS ABOVE ALL ELSE... TO THINE SELF ALWAYS BE TRUE! 

SALUD! 🎩

~

Tal Visotskis Leningrad 1954 - the first game I have seen completely in my head just by reading notations. Fuck yes. Hallelujah 🙏

~

Funny thing is.... I learnt german cuz I wanted to read german authors and the philosophy they come up with. And at the time everyone made fun of me or questioned me saying why you wasting time. I knew then that opinions are just a reflection of who people are and sometimes you just gotta discard them. I'm glad I did that then. Reading these now I realised it's just a quest for knowledge that drives me and I love that and it's something I hope never changes. ♥️ Viele leibe. 

Thrice I have written, rewritten and then deleted something. Purely out of a sense of not wanting to say something rash and hurtful. I'm always trying to toggle between saying what I think v the subjective cost of doing so and at times it's a hard choice cuz the part of my mind that's bent towards fairness sometimes seems to overtake all subjectivity. Still. So let me attempt to construct my thoughts in a milder way. 

Watching that stream the other day made me want to ask this guy how he would feel if he were to watch a creator whose chat mocks say a certain community, says derogatory things about people of certain ethnicities, and the host's friends and bff are all turking to link demeaning pics and memes of said ethnicities over and over and the host does nothing except occasionally take some money as recompense. Were he to watch a stream like that, what impression would he have of the host? And would he be willing to give them benefit of the doubt or simply lump them all together?Because this is how it feels at times to be a woman and watch what he terms a 'show'. There's a lot of belittling behaviour complete with porno links, adultery...what have you, which is all essentially just demeaning women. In the end what people say around you will always end up being a reflection of who you are. A few questions to honestly ponder. It's the same belittling and condescending behaviour I have witnessed time and again both personally and publicly. I gave up on any hope of decency or kindness on a personal front after the night I accidentally dialled when I was grieving my grandmoms death and later realised he knew that but actively avoided me. That was quite a gutting realisation ngl. But it should not be a lot to ask for his friends to not refer to women as holes publicly, however they may speak to each other and to him in private. Atleast that bit should not be off the table. 

Blah. Anyway.  💀 

~

I'm aware of the amount of care I'm taking for someone who continues to be oh so inconsiderate to me. Heh. Thing with choosing to hurt people... Eventually they will just stop caring. And I don't see why I should be on the receiving end of bad behaviour and be the one to reach out always. If he can't even say a simple hi on his own let alone an apology for that horrid statement his friend made, then I suppose I won't either, it's not worth it to me to always cater to what comes across as ego,arrogance and complete lack of accountability. I may be wrong but this is how it seems. And even that isn't really good enough, this is just no way to behave and I'm not looking for some bare minimum bs. You can't just spend time minutely reading my thoughts when you want and then act this way to my face. Like what positives are you adding to my life? And why should I trust you? Why should I be kind and caring and then just be met with meanness in return? Another question to ponder lol. So this time I won't be the one making an effort, and if that's the end of the road then so be it. Esp as I know he would be aware I'm upset so this is just the same... Eh idk. I don't wanna think about that day again. Anyway, there's a tiger behind him not an ostrich so at some point he should actually understand what it stands for. This whole hiding behind ego bs is too lame, sorry.🙄 Learn to do what's right. Ugh. Why tf is he so batshit crazy like bc it's so hard to not yell at him at times who tf acts in this stupid ass way then acts oh so aloof like ohhh look at me I'm so nonchalant. Wooohoo whistle whistle. Sheesh. And I'm a idiot for catering to it also god knows why I have that stupid soft corner for this absolutely fucking mockery. 

~

However, I shall persevere in my quest to be zen. UGH.  And no, he has to figure it out on his own this time. Not relenting. 

And I guess it's time to let the negativity go and not always hold on to bad stuff. Let there be room for good stuff too. I guess that's a decent way to look at things. 

Halfway through this narcissism story and my god. It's just so taxing to get into the mindset of someone like this. Nightmarish. My own disgust, pity and dismissal towards these folks is also playing a role in it when it should not. Interesting phenomena. Aaaah..this is why I love children's stories lol. Trauma and shit is so not me to write about. Ffs. But I want to capture all the beats completely as well. Let me try. 

Not bad rapid is actually turning out to be a lot more fun than 3+0. Who knew? 

~

Played a 2000 and it wasn't actually as difficult as I thought it might be. Interesting. Just blundered anyway wasn't something special. I think I can be 2k in rapid easily. 

~

Ooof. When a game is actually sharp I feel high lmao. Fuck. So good rn. 

Felt so nice to play this 😍

Shadow Sides

 A lover I don't have to love

I guess this might be a bit of mine.

~

But then all of a sudden the fog lifts and I find myself steady, feet on the ground. Hehe. And then I type hehe, because why not make things a bit lighter, happier and all that needs to be right is right. 

Land Locked Blues

This might be my heart. A teeny bit. 

~

A good woman will pick you apart

A box full of suggestions for your possible heart

But you may be offended, and you may be afraid

But don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor

With the noise in the background from a televised war

And in that deafening pleasure, I thought I heard someone say

"If we walk away, they walk away"

~~

Haha yes. A good woman will pick you apart. I should know, I do it all the time. 

And I am a good woman, of that you can be sure. 

Hehe. One little heart for me. ♥️

~

Dammit I've changed so much I love this song and the first one has no hold over me anymore. I am all grown up. Who could have imagined it? Not me! 

~

Still love Bright Eyes though. They just don't make music like this anymore. It's a bit like Charles Bukowski meets idk Hemingway maybe. Something smack dab in the middle of kinda sorta fucked up but with sunshine and a smirk. Cuz you know you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and then... Goddammit just love a good woman yo. 

~

And this is a song I searched for you. The lyrics make it so beautiful to me. Maybe cuz they reminds me of me. Just on a walk, a lil poignant though, one smile and some rain and some sunshine. 

Bowl of Oranges

Always funny to me that people know of Joel, but hardly anyone knows Bright Eyes. And I've always got your back! 💖 

~

Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,

I'm gonna try and make you laugh. 

And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black.

And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve

Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.

But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.

Then I think we would see the beauty.

Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil. 

Ooohh. Ohhhh. 

~

There you have it. My heart in a nutshell. Not so shadowy after all. 

If someday I send this to someone, I hope they understand me. I'll save it for someone special. One who would just get it instantly hehe. And beware! Never send it to someone who will ignore it, because they need to show how much more music they know hehe. God there are too many people like that 💀

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

Oh my hedonistic youth. Heh. Idk why so many damn memories are back. Fuck. And I wanna do something hedonistic too. Just get lost in the moment. Admire me, while I do something a bit cheeky. But cheeky is just code now. For something that's crossing a bit of a line. Just a bit though. Just a bit. 

And now we speak with ruined tongues. 

~

AW. Who wrote me so much goddamn poetry sitting on top of the church spire. God he was nuts. Haha. I still remember how it felt to be around someone whose feelings I could intuit. And then he freaked me out by wording exactly that. " I feel like I know you. And I wanna tell you everything about me. " And then he did. First and only person I ran away from. But I was scared. Scared he would trap me like he liked trapping dragonflies. See I don't like that. I hated kids who used to tie their tails to a string. And you AW, always did that. Never take away anyone's freedom darling. Never. Never trap a dragonfly. It's a sin. 

Crazy how time flies. 

Heh. 

And all those years later, just drunk texting me whenever. Lol. Such nutty people I know, and have known. 

It's not that I mind possessiveness, I am possessive too. But I don't want to be possessive of someone that isn't mine. And I would never be. Maybe that's the bit about hedonism that noone talks about. Your guardrails have to be so firm that you never lose yourself. I always turn away from those who don't have them. Rabbit holes are not for me, tempting as they may be.  

~

Haligh, Haligh, A lie, Haligh. Best heartbreak song ever. Cuz I sing and sing, of awwwful things. Hehe. 

~

L, you asshole. Just please get better. I am terrified of losing you so just for once in your stupid life have my back and get the fuck better. All you fucking asshole cunts who screwed me over I fucking love you guys too. Just pls get better. 

My rapid rating is taking over my blitz and this without much trying wtf is going on. I'm feeling like an impostor. 

~

Ok finally played a game I enjoyed Woohoo. It's always amazing to just see what moves opponent has. This time control also lets me that's good. So tensed every game though dayum. 

~

Bruh. I am 1900 rapid wtf. 💀

Morra

Ooof. This against the morra

https://lichess.org/QxWSQ42x/black

What an attacker this man is fuuuuck. 

Bd4 by opponent such a weird move and he didn't spot the one crucial move back with that bishop to try and salvage. Still ughhhhhhfhhhfh. 

I could just touch myself oooof goddamn beautiful chess fuck. 😭😭😭😭😭

Playing rapid like bullet go me! Well I suppose at some point I'll start losing and then start thinking. Let's gooooo.

Looool. Im not even playing well just winning cuz they losing under pressure ahha. Pussies. 

God I need a proper spanking to get over this giddiness it's unbecoming hahaha. Too much ego not enough skill. 🎉 

Oh noooo I played 3+0 by mistake like an ass. Noooooooo

Waking up happy with dark circles lol. Cheers to working out though, a good sweat always makes a difference. From someone who used to put on make up to being someone that prefers being unvarnished now, it's been such a subtle change. I enjoy the occasional dress up too but I've started appreciating how good being natural feels like. Hehe. Never used to click pics thinking I don't look nice in them but now I don't mind. 

Always fun when periods arrive in the middle of the night without warning. A gift that keeps on giving. ♥️

Atleast the godawful pms from the last few days will abate. Only cramps to look forward to hoorayyyy

Listening to some Levon clips, never knew he was so funny. Damn. I think I have a teeny tiny crush on him haha. Love that subtle humor. Something v nice about sweet guys that can make you smile

Breaks

Ooohhh ze flip offs just keep coming.

But I love this so damn much. 

Can't take my eyes off of you

Ohhh I can sooo write an erotic scene for this dammit. Hahahaha fuck. 

I want to. I have the exact scene in my mind.

Ooof. 

~

And my FAVVVVV

Dancing Queen

ABBA And meatballs!!! Sweden's finest oofff!!

This song is so for me. Imma be 80 and dance dance dance. Badly but who caaaaareesssss. Dammit. Heh. 

~

Music is part of our souls. All of us who grew up together. We loved it. My one bond with L. We felt the music. Shit man. Shit. You were the first person in my life that I just loved, admired and looked up to. Only to find it all to be a lie. You wanted everyone's love. To feel like you are important to everyone. And you didn't mind knocking others down in that quest. You didn't mind taking from me. That day at your place where you just kept coming on to J. Like why? You knew I loved him. Why? You had your fucking fiance in your life dude.  And all our friends in common who you hurt all the time. I'm sure all of us, we hate what turn of events has come about. But it's just so hard to forgive you L. Knowing that you would do the exact same thing again. Idk. You hurt my one existential wound that I am so scarred by I just can't bring myself to reach out. I'm so sorry. The way I felt then, that moment when it felt like I'd lose what's so precious to me and that my friend is the one to take it and I'll have to just be helpless in my hurt. I'm sure it was exaggerated in my head but see that's the thing about some things in life. Sometimes there is just that one thing, one fear you want to avoid. I think we are all allowed that. And we are allowed to protect what we care about. I never took anyone from you. It's not like that would have been impossible to, it isn't for anyone tbh. The rest of us just don't cross those lines. M doesn't feel insecure around me. Because she knows more than any man in her life she can trust me never to cross a line. That's girl code. Men can be pigs all the time but for a woman to be a pig takes a special kind of awful. 

I could never forgive you for it man. People view these things as self protection, I view it as me unable to get over this one weakness. But if I picture a happy life, having you in it doesn't feature because I know all you'll do is try to destroy it someway by attempting to come between me and whoever. Lol. And I find myself just unable to walk back to any of you all cuz I want my life to be different. So I guess I choose me. With a lot of sadness and love in my heart for you and your parents in particular. But I will not walk back to you. One must have guardrails to ensure people stay in our corner, and you didn't. You're an asshole my darling. Much as I care for you, you are a complete and utter asshole. 

Google admin checking post on Syria lol. Wtf yo. Strange ass things that happen. Feels so creepy to see the SSL login. V uncool.

Mistakes happen, and I don't hold them against people in the long run. But it should not be too much to expect someone to make amends on their own. That can't be a line that gets diluted always. I think I deserve atleast that much consideration. 

Anyway blah... I'm fine and happy so let's just look forward to a nice day and tanking games when I can lol. No point being mad at someone forever. The worst part of being mad at someone is also that you don't stop caring about them just because of it. But when that person does little to nothing to make amends then you honest to god wonder if they are worth it. I'm sure if someone was mad at me and I acted like I didn't care, they would not stick by me for long. I hope I never treat someone that disrespectfully ever. 

Well, I'll hold space for that from now. Let me also not dilute my desire to be treated with consideration. Happy to reserve spots in my life for those who do. No more reading stuff about me behind my back and then acting pricey to my face. Reach out like a normal person and make an effort. No exceptions anymore. Well, I used to complain about never being asked about, about nothing about me being of consequence etc. I was wrong. He just didn't want me to know he did for some odd ass reason. Idk if that's good or bad to be honest cuz one can look at it either way.  

~~

Ugh dammit Elvis is on now ahhahahaha fuck. What a asshole yt algo is hahahah. Too movie soundtracky to do this. 

Fuck it, pretty winter evening, I'm done scolding the void. Let's gooo elvis takkkkeee mmymyyyyy hand. 

Pretty woman the kind I like to meet....! 

🕺💃

Time to tank even more rating I am on a tear let's goooo

 A good losing streak let's gooooo

Fuck it I'll tank as many games as I can until I learn to think slow. 3 mins I used in a 10 min game so pathetic fuck. Nvm let me get this stupid 3+0 mentality out of my system for good. Do what it takes. 

A nice game

https://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1030906&comp=1

Bogoljubov Monticelli 1930

To peruse

How do I just knowww the plans Sadler goes for even in bullet? That's so bizarre to me. His games are the ones I can completely intuitively know about noone else. I don't get it. I also don't get why tf it's simple enough to calculate and see other people's moves when spectating but then I can't do the calculation when it's my own game. Something is just wrong here I'm not doing it for some weird mental block.

~

But man. Watching him dismantle some opponents is just so beautiful he just does it with such simplicity and precision ooof. Like I can't marvel enough at how beautiful his chess is. 

Song for tonight

 Sorrow Tomorrow

Swing swing swing! 💃🕺

Asking my priiide to step asideee... Can't stand the pain of lovin in paiiiin

it's not where I belong.

Aaand one of my old favsss 

Country Roads

I wanna wear a frock

With lots of frills 

Do my lashes 

And bat them right at you. 

~~

Country rooooads. Dammit I love this. 

And heyyyyyy

The song you once dedicated to me hahaha omggg 

Brown Eyed Girl

Man, we used to listen to so much Morrison ♥️

Shalalalallalalaaadidaa

Heh. I wish I find someone like you again, I do. I felt sooooo loved. So much fun, so much affection! One of the best people I've ever known! Dammit what a sudden throwback haha. Yt killing it with the algo! Good stuff.❤️ 

Suspicious Minds

You don't get lyrics like this anymore. It's so true. You can't go on with suspicious minds. But at times that suspicion is simply the fear of losing your happy place. I think it only occurs when the other person doesn't make you feel secure though. I've never actually felt it with anyone except one time. And I mean. Well. It was never unfounded. When people are deceitful it's hard to love them much less trust them. Feels like being under threat all the time no point in putting you through that ever. But anyway I'm done, done with all this bs never again I'm closing all those nasty chapters. 

Hehe, something about this music in December. Feels great. 

A nice palate cleanser

The man who plays the mandolino

How prettyyyyy man ugh. Take my heart, take ittttt now! ♥️

Kramms the poet

 Ok I really needed a good laugh today

The world of chess is saved

And smelling money breeze

Emil, Danya Hikaru

All dance around the trees 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

A man that is proud of his heritage, his wife and treats everyone respectfully. He gives people credit where it's due without any hesitation. And some people desecrate and tarnish the women from his home town, wish that a kid he mentored gets hit by a bus while simultaneously linking him giving credit where he was nothing but kind and congratulatory. How awful would he have even felt to see that stuff like this is broadcast worldwide, and it doesn't matter to anyone. Fuck dude. Just a regular workday for some. Doing that even for a moment is just so shameful man. Like. 

How sad is the state of the world sometimes. Truly. Whatever. Guess I just have to accept that the world is what it is. Lol. Fuck it, I guess this bad taste will linger for a bit and then go away. Dunno why I found it so traumatizing but it is what it is. 

Spoke to M after a long time. All the bickering we had been getting up to has just disappeared hehe. It feels nice when both people just suddenly pivot to being sweet and kinda manage to pull through. First time in our friendship that there was a bit of a strain but it's okay, happiness prevails hehe. Nice. Love ♥️

~

Sometimes in life you just need that no? Someone to just make you feel nice and like they are in your corner? It's a simple solution to so many problems. 

There was so much innocence in me even until a few years ago. Maybe a by product of a sheltered life. I'm lucky I guess. And I'm glad my values and filters are atleast the right way up. It's very easy to make shitty decisions in life. It takes a lot to refrain from them. I'm lucky I've had the support of amazing people and maybe I should thank them more. They helped me understand right from wrong and to never relent when I perceive what is incorrect. Shared values are all that matter. Hmmm. Well let me try to get some sleep. I don't want to be mired in awful thoughts nor do I want to express them with elan and end up regretting them. Because at the end of the day it's not as if I want to be hurtful. I always just choose to walk away, never to actively hurt anyone because I hate that feeling and it's not my place to inflict pain on anyone and I don't want to. So I guess I'll just cuddle in my warm blanket and forget about the evils of this world haha. A touch of drama to lighten the mood and soften the blow my feelings have taken these few years. I feel a bit bruised. Ooopsies. 

I miss my granny tonight. I hope you rest in peace. And I hope my mom is happy. I love her so much. Just want a warm hug from them both. I will never allow anyone to ever disrespect you guys or any woman in my presence. Ever. I'm so grateful that no matter how taxing and stubborn the men we have known were, they were never disrespectful. Never made us feel unsafe or like our self respect is being shredded. I know dad did that in parts and I can't excuse that, but unlike me mum, I'm glad you don't know what other forms of disrespect looks and feels like. Things could have been so shitty but I'm glad you have never had to realise that and I'll never let myself go down a road where I do either. Steering clear of this stuff from now on. 

~

Oh hey right on cue a Sadler yt drops nice. Atleast I can watch some new fangled chess tactic and sleep. Hehe. Nice. It's good to know the world also has gentlemen. 

Omg fuck that mouseslip sheesh fuck aaaa. Dammit. Stupid rook blunder. Man but playing against kings gambit is super fun v sharp and nice. Love it. Next one gotta calculate nicely. It is not undoable, but gotta focus. 

And one more rule : even if I think I see the first move, I will refute atleast 4 others before playing it. Doesn't matter even if it's mate in one. Putting sanctions on myself otherwise I'll never improve. 😤

~ broke all sanctions straight up next game v good i deserve that 1700 next to my name no fucking resolve.

~~

Whew. Okay the analysis part is a lot more fun I wish I start seeing these threats by analysing that would be epic. Think 1900 rapid is pretty doable tbh, only losing when I refuse to think and blitz so far. Let's try. 

~ 

And I honestly just have to learn to view the board as a 2 move set. Can do it so easily while spectating not sure wtf goes wrong while playing. Gotta align. 

Giving up on 3+0 brings with it it's own sense of crazy ass anxiety purely cuz it feels so much more high stakes haha. Even playing someone lower rated feels like an adrenaline rush. Damn man. Losses are so tough and each game feels like a make or break one lol. Painful asf. My prime reason for avoiding rapid too lol. Can't just be loosey goosey in it. Haha. Why am I like this why can't I just take it easy? Would be a lot better. 

Lol. Google photos mocking me too. Nice. Or shall I say oh well. 🙄

Lol, still...Wellington was nice this time of year. Cold and crisp and skies so blue. Loved it. 

 Don't feel good today at all. :(

Just tired and grossed out and low key annoyed. Lol. And I know that the bottom line is me feeling sad is not going to count at all. Just want to say so much more but then again it'll just be read at some point maybe and I'll know it and it'll just underline the fact that me feeling bad is of no consequence. What a lovely mock. ♥️ 

Blah... I should just write this off like I have so many other things like what even is the point? Fuck it, not worth it. No cure for shitty behaviour. And I'm not letting myself feel this way ever again. Lol. How many times have I even reached this point? Pathetic, shame on me. 

Refering to women of my ethnicity as holes dude. Fucking sad the kinda stuff that makes him 'uncomfortable' vs the stuff that simply doesn't. Ugh. Sickening. And they are all his close friends so I guess he is the same as them. I know I'm just mad right now but honestly it makes me legit question his ethics whenever I see stuff like this cuz it happens only around him. And it's just not even in the ballpark of decent. Sorry but it's just not. How else am I supposed to view it? Just feels like they have a nice group chat where they keep trying to degrade women at times and who knows maybe I've also been one of them. I would not be surprised at any of this anymore. 

I just feel so dirty even thinking about any of it. I'm fed up and I don't want to and I will not follow anyone down these dirty roads I don't care. 

~~

Aaaaaa!

He should be ashaaaaamed of himself dude. Completely. I mean it. There's so much I could say but I'm not because it's heat of the moment for me and I don't want to be rash, but honestly man... I'm just so ashamed of him right at this moment. His bff telling elderly ladies to kneel in a room of 50 guys clothes optional is something I thought was the worst thing I'll ever witness but here we are, another contender to outdo that. And all are his close personal friends. Saying this stuff to someone's mom. You all say this stuff openly so I don't even know how much worse it gets when it's just you all. And I don't want to know either. If anyone in my life knew that I know someone who indulges and participates in this behaviour, they would be shocked and disgusted with me. Just as I am rn with myself. 

Fuck man. I know he had a long day and it's not like he said it but still there has to be some level that's maintained like wtfff. That is his responsibility noone else's. Only his name and face on that screen so should he not get how it reflects on him? What piss poor judgement. Get some goddamn mods who do their work not that idiot who tells women shit and links porn like wtf. There, I said it. Blah whatever. Fuck this shit and this low quality bullshit. 

~~~~

Ok time to brush this off. It's a bright sunny day, let's get some good work done. Aaand some rapid. Finally gotta begin. 

~

God bless lichess's elo system 2 games and I'm already up 50 points. Hope I don't lose out of sheer giddiness. 

 I just feel like playing bullet tonight 

Reading someone describe women of my ethnicity or any women for that matter as "holes" is a new low that I did not expect to have hit. To picture someone entering multiple of them is beyond my pay grade. I have no words. It's so utterly sick that it doesn't even register for this person... Like.... Fuck it.💀💀💀 Honestly M... How do you never see how vile this is? Why do you allow people to say such things? I know it's not your fault what they say but there should be atleast some lines that aren't crossed. It's shameful, truly. Vishy is one of the most respected people out there, and here you are all referring to women of his descent as 'holes'. Like...

I hope he is not like them. I do not want to believe that ever. And his friend typing ' o well '. I suppose that's also a coincidence. Or shared my pics with him too? Lol

~

Uhhhhhggghhhh. Fuck. 

.....

Whatever. 

.....

I feel so bad for how degrading the world is towards women and how this is just a regular day not even an anomaly or something that he didn't even think he should apologise for. Nor did anyone else. Guess it's all just acceptable to them. 

For the littlest things, I've tried to be careful that it doesn't hurt someone's feelings, especially M's. And for something this spectacularly awful... Lol. Wouldn't occur to anyyyyyone why it makes me feel bad. 'Tamil Nadu holes', 'you have entered many' a phrase I don't think I will forget. I am so sorry ladies, I am genuinely so fucking sorry that people will say these things about you all. Not that me being sorry it changes anything lol. But for what it's worth. I wish the world was different. Heh. Pipe dreams. 

~

As much as I wish to burrow into a blanket, fuck it, will go for a run and try to outrun this knowledge while I'm at it. Yuck yuck yuck. Lol. Sick dude. 

So many hunches and they all seem correct lol. Funny is life. 

Aaand that's 1900. Time to retire 3+0. Fuck. Hahahahha. Gonna be TOUGH. 

~

Haha, ten mins in and the urge to play it is back lmao. This is gonna be so interesting. Pivoooottt

When you get the urge to jump off a mountain, is it really your body's way to tell you to get rid of that fear? I respect that. Every time I find myself afraid of a thing, I wish to do it no matter the cost. Simply cuz I fucking hate being under duress. Do or do not. No try. 

Watching a Cumberbatch movie and I can't help but think... Fuck yo. This kinda depiction of humanity is so different from what I'm even used to. Honestly I'll just filter these people out. 

When I dated S, he was nuts and I knew it. I knew he was toxic but the sex was good so I stuck around for a little bit for that reason but I always knew I'd never be serious about someone toxic like that. I know curiosity about human nature leads me towards a lot of rabbit holes but at the end of the day I have a no tolerance policy towards this behaviour. Never. Even with S I guess I just knew I only wanted something short term. When sex is involved, sometimes there is temptation. But that temptation never turns to permanence. 

Even the way they depicted people shouting at each other.  No respect there, just so much hate. I don't think I can ever be around that dynamic. It's too broken and messed up. Hmmm. Yep. Not my thing man. Love without respect isn't love just control and coercion and sadness. Just different degrees of emotional abuse. And the kids witness it. So way to fuck them up too. Sheesh. 

~~~

But maaan. Take a bow cumberbatch. What an actor. Absolutely goated. You are deffo in my top 5. And I find you so goddamn attractive to boot. 

Okay gotta watch some Andrei Tarkovski works. Been putting it off for too long. 

https://g.co/kgs/UZPVkPK

And Solaris 

A couple of wins away from hitting 1900 then I gotta quit blitz. 💀💀

Feeling so much anxiety and strangeness the last two days. I think I should just never drink wine tbh. Even a couple of glasses later make me feel queasy. I should just sleep it all off. A good long 8hour sleep burrowed in my blanket. Hehe. 

Old filters lmao. 

Maaan I loved smoky eyes huh? Been a while since I tried them out. Wow. 

Lord give me the patience to deal with this pms with grace lol. 🤐😕

Feeling lazies halfway lol. Getting some random food order delivered to my place and it is making me feel a bit weirded out... Hope it is not who I think it is 💀💀💀💀💀 too creepy it feels. Ever since that bra instance I feel so yukky. 

Anyway blah. Having a nice hair day, I look kinda pretty today 🤭. Hehe. Feels nice 

Leap of faith

Aiyoooo. I hope he didn't feel bad cuz I was annoyed ugh. Now I feel guilty. Ughhhh. Ugh. Fine I'll just slip in a sorry tomo. Make sure he knows. Ugh. Subtlety not even my strong suit and now I have to figure out how to because for some reason he will also need to be like wuuut meeee nooo neverrr didn't see a thingggg. Lol. I mean he features in it all the time so like why would I mind in the first place? Only mind randos, obv not him. He should know that by now. And I do stand by what I said. It's an odd choice to make to check up on me behind my back but then be uncaring from time to time to my face. That's not fair at all. You should not be trying to hoax me so much, it's weird. When I pull back is also when I start to feel like I'm not being given importance and that's fair too because when was the last time he asked... Hey how have you been or anything about me? Simply never. It's sometimes just scary to me how he simply never thinks of that, very red flag scary. I do not want to normalise this behaviour and I will step away from anyone who makes me feel like that. Life is simply too short for making room for narcissistic behaviour, which this sometimes feels like. Because I do not know how to compute 200+ views in less than 12 days while using the word 'uncomfortable' when I asked for a conversation. It's not right. 

Anyway, too many crazy people he meets during work, I see that. And it's great he can be accepting of it etc. But while I can empathise with people, I will not live my life that way or follow anyone along if they choose to become like that. And I cannot be pulled into some false sense of security either, sorry. Lying, cheating, deception ... None of this is my doing and I am not playing along with that. You can leave if that's all you bring to the table. 

But anyway, that's being too serious and such, so blah. Keep it easy. 

~

The easy version: 

Idk how both of us are adults but both will do childish bs. I also end up doing silly shit all the time why only blame him. Lol. Ughhhh. Ok I feel baddddddddddd. Aaaaaaaa. I'm sorryyyyyyyy ugh. 

~

Hehe. I also have to tell him if he were anything other than a chess player I would never have spoken to him lol. That's actually so fucking true shit. It never occurred to me that if he weren't exactly who he is I would simply not have said a word cuz he would never have struck me as special. But that boy I saw singing along to backstreet boys nary a care just absolutely made a place in my heart hehe. Guess that's why I feel affection too. And I still have to apologise. Cursesssss

~

Sometimes I wonder why in all this madness my first concern is to tell the person hey don't worry about me, I'm right here and I'd like you to rest easy and you are always welcome with me etc. But then I realise that I also miss him when he isn't around so I suppose I know why haha. Unlike him I won't pretend like I don't though, my ego isn't at all diminished just cuz I care about a person. Fuck it, will dote on him lots until he rests easy.  And I hope this is a right choice. Hehe. Look forward to it. 

Old Fashioned

Oh the cold. Hehe. It has a way of making me yearn for wooden panelling and an old fashioned with a round ice cube. Sit in a nice leather armchair and earlier it would have been reading a book but these days it might even be nicer to just analyse a chess position. Dayum. I would love that. 

Feels so cozy

Hearing about these people behaving badly just seems very fucked up. Even his friend just calling someone a bitch after playing them is so wrong. I honestly just feel like it's a weird spot to be in, to constantly just have to face this negativity, but also tough to keep telling someone to behave. How much can you even tell an adult to behave anyway? I have started finding his friend too messed up now. If you are bold enough to just say such things to people then I'm not sure if there's any hope to think this behaviour will get better. Sad. 

Still, remembered the mystery of the banshee towers hahaha. Oh Fatty and Co, my fav sleuths lol. I think I still have that book. 

Week before periods and stomach starts to just rebel against me lol

Well I guess I know now why talking to me makes someone uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with this information lol. To say I'm hurt is just lmao. Think I just wanna laugh. 

Well, you live you learn. Time for me to grow up and never again complain about how the world works. Going forward, I never will. Not gonna behave badly either or mention it. Hopefully this will get missed if not...well, it is what it is. I'm allowed to feel what I feel. But I do not hold it against anyone, so peace. 

Zomg I feel like I haven't doted on him for a while 💀. Too much Sadler this Sadler that. Sheesh. Ok lmc, I'll just spam lots haha. 💪🏼

Entire night just tossing and turning and feeling sick and then I find this. Heh. I don't have a fear of heights, but I've always felt this particular feeling when I'm on a mountain. Never a building. There's that odd voice that just wants me to jump and it was so scary lol. 

But interesting premise. Maybe at times when you are afraid of stuff you just want to do it just to get over the fear? Hmmm. Can explain my flight instincts at times tbh. When I'm afraid of losing people I just become inapproachable maybe. Like better to run away than risk losing you. Crap. Is this a can of worms to be opened? Haha. NOTTTTT. 

Anyway, It's not an instinct that's omnipresent, it's rare. So let sleeping dogs lie and should it ever happen, just take a deep breath all will be well. I suppose I should not seem inapproachable to people I love though. That is not correct. I wonder if this guy has felt that from me. I'm sorry if I did make him feel like that, I'll try not to be so hasty here on out. But still, on balance I think I have been very patient and caring and I guess I'm not wrong if I wish to feel care and appreciation too. It's just a sad thing how he treats me from time to time. You can check up on me all you want I don't actually mind it but then acting nonchalant to me directly is not right. Being nice can't be that tough. Anyway. Another can of worms hahaa. Nooooottt opening. 

One nice little lesson I picked up from gukesh today - when he sees the win, he stays his hand, takes a drink of water, keeps calm and makes the calculation. That was priceless to watch and truly a champion moment. So I'll use that from now if I feel fear. :) 

Ugh feeling so sickkkkk. Dammit. Feverish too fuck

Lol finally this guy is being normal. Mannnn such a child idk at times I just get soooooo frustrated and then I laugh cuz idk whether to dote on him lots or scold him lots lol. Want to do both simultaneously always hahha. 

Feel so yukky and can't sleep. Awful food never again 🤮

Really respect gukesh for saying the positives he did for Ding. Honestly, it shows a lot of mettle to be someone that doesn't celebrate another person's downfall in their wins. It takes a lot of maturity and grace to be able to hold yourself to those standards. His parents did a great job raising such a human being. Wonderful. ♥️

Finally some good sleep lol. Being well rested is best

 Cutie patootie things 🤭😁♥️

Oof

He wonnnnn. Dayum! Take a bow. 

Shit but I can't help feeling like Ding lost it on purpose. That blunder was just too idk :(

 So interesting to me now much mentality makes a difference in things. 

Astounding 

Hmmm. What's the most unsound but fun opening someone would enjoy playing?

Heh..

Chatting a bit with the IM Kramms accused of cheating to know this..how fucking sad to have that blight on your career for no reason. Sheesh. Pathetic 

Omgggg talking to raves and he is like he met her few months ago and then spent two weeks with her and he just knewwww. Awwwww. Maaaaannnnn. 

This is soooo cute. Duuuuude. I loooove my friends sooooo muuuuchhhhhh. 

Duuuuude. When you know you just knowwwww. It's amazing. I love it. God bless. 

~

You know what... When you know you juuuust fucking know. I do believe in this and I'm so sure I'll marry someone right off the bat in this way too ahha. Love it. 

~

God bless you raves. ♥️♥️♥️. From the bottom of my heart, love you lots and wish you all the best! 

Keeping cuz I love my friends and want posterity. It's soooo nice to hear him gush about her and talk about how smitten he is. Awwwie. That's how it should be. Men who absolutely love the woman and aren't afraid to show care. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

 This will be a shitty draw what was the point in getting winneeeee

Some people are juuust so funny  😭

Omg baby raves is engaged aaaaaaa. Omgomgomg. I'm so excited for himmmmmmm. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Can't wait to meet him aaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Aiyo this random childishness again. You know what... Ugh. Nvm. 

Checking up on me behind my back but then not being nice to my face is an odd choice to make anyway. None of this is acceptable to me. I want to be around people who are actually nice to me directly. Not shortchanging myself any longer. I'm donezies.

Blah... You know what... Fuck it. Bbye. 👋

Lord gimme the strength to give up 3+0 after getting that 1900 back 💪🏼😤

Looking forward to the final game. I soooo feel like just getting some nice hot food and drinks like a proper watch party types lol. But too cold to go out lol. Oh the dilemmas of life. Still, want a nice glass of white wine. 😕

 Rain...cold, dreary rain. 

Holy crap that fire alarm going off was scary asf!! Dayum so shaken by it. 💀

Hot showers after a good workout oof. And some nice smelling lotion and off to beddddd with a hot cup of tea!!! Ze best feelings. Imz a grandma! 👵✌️

Haha. JB getting into reddit comments to defend his position on that game lol. And kramms saying he is attacked by chesscom. The weird shit that just keeps happening. Amusing and silly in equal parts. Oh well, I will take amusing and silly over crappy anyyyyyday. 

Reading about narcissists again just fucking scary lol. Noone ever addresses the cruelty and rage they subject you to. It's so unsettling to behold how much anger they would have over some perceived slight. Chilling. Lol. One should always stay away from folks that don't show empathy. It's never a good sign. 

~

This is a shitty topic about shitty people and I'm tired of it lol. Should have chosen to write about puppies or something lol

Quite uneventful, looking forward to Tom's match tbh. Hope it's a nailbiter. Let's see what the strategy is. Hehe.I'd still want Ding to go for a win tbh but idk if he will

 Aand seems like a draw. Hmmm. Let's see what happens tomo

Win

Keeping this as a reminder that sometimes you have to appreciate men for doing the right thing. My father, and most men I have met have never had a gender bias, consequently I have never known this kind of hostility from people. The fact that even Kasparov called her names is awful. Cheers to the good guys out there who don't bully women for being women. Hope I always encounter more of your kind. ♥️

Oooh..even GM Speelman hanging out in yt chat. How nice man. Genuinely a very wholesome community. I enjoy this vibe a looot. Just chill and chess lines and interesting questions hehe. It's always good when a like minded community hangs out

Kramms tweeted out his own reddit account and someone exposed it on reddit. Oh man. And preserved screenshots of the comments. 💀 At first I thought it was kinda funny but now that I think of it, it's just sad how much of a lone ranger delusional path he seems to be sinking on. A former WCC who just needs help and an intervention :(

Oooo Sadler calling a ding victory today whooooaaa let's goooooo. He hated ne2 instead of Qg4 haha.  Attacking players just cannot take passivity love it. Dammit now I gotta see the whole thing. 

Will today's match between exciting? Somehow doubt that. :( someone prove me wrong

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Getting exceptionally tired of M's near constant need to keep scoffing at every tiny little thing it's just so fucking pathetic. I'm afraid I'll say something means to her soon. Think I just need a break from her for a bit. Ugh. Just honestly feel like saying something nasty rn. 

~

Lol... I'm actually wondering what's the best way to communicate this tbh. I do not enjoy nitpicking behaviour and then I feel like retaliating at times. Not a good space to be in with anyone. Hope this phase wears itself but idk. Haha I'm again blaming C only for this. But nah, it's not his fault she behaves like this. 

When I wake up, when I go to sleep all the time lol. 💀😂

A warm coffee in winters really hits the spot. But so it does in summer. 💀

 Cold cold air yumssssss

 Sunlight 😍

Lol someone posted Bartholomew s take on reddit haha. It's fun to see everyone scramble one way or another to either agree or disagree with him. In the end, I guess people should just care about whether they liked the game or not for themselves. I don't think it's fair to say he is just and IM so he doesn't have understanding and back that by saying leko and giri analysed it real time and found it brilliant. People who actively analysed it real time did find it to be fun. May not be a game for the ages but how does that matter? Long as you enjoyed it, should be good enough. This whole overt reliance on passing verdicts is lame. Hehe. I prefer seeing grandpa Sadler post his mums bday desserts on twitter to this rampant barrage of criticism. So cutely he adds emojis whenever he says thanks etc to me hahah. Gentlemanly and wholesome asf. 

 

~

Researching angles for story and can't help but marvel at how incurable this disorder is, and how nothing can save them. So broken, which would be pitiful and worthy of care were they simply not monsters that harm and cheat and deceive. 

Always interested me in an academic sense to observe how far they will go to keep up appearances and try to manipulate you into seeing a version of them they want you to see. I always notice the anomalies. 

But I guess without the mask they feel like they are insignificant so what can you do? 

Finally finished sword catcher. Hmmm. Really not so great tbh. Maybe I'd have liked it as a kid but not sure. Isn't even a kids book more YA. Idk blah. 

💀💀 Just why

Perspectives

 Always to the rescue 

Adding a random sweet quote for myself on my calendar and setting it for a year from now. Just a lil inspo from someone who types " Hi future me! Congrats on cracking 980 elo " in a yt recap hahahaha. What a cutie. 😂

Lol Bartholomew shitting on yesterday's game haha. People in chess are bruuuutal. Hahahah. Oh well, even I share in that kinda desire to be right and precise so I get why they feel the way they do but I doubt I'd want to publicly tweet stuff like this out. Must be sooo harsh on the players if they read all this. Or maybe they are harsher on themselves who knows. Well either way. Funny stuff 

Assad ousted, SK protesting with music and lights, United's shooter's crazy ass model like mug shots released to public. So much stuff just happening the world over it's interesting how much info we have and how much fuckery would have been going on earlier when we didn't. Oh the silos we live in. 

The scene in black doves where Knightley talks to her husband and he is devastated at the thought of her cheating. How he speaks and what he says is so utterly well crafted. No anger, just pain and insecurity and a desire to tell someone he loves that he loves them. Damn man. I never think about how a man might feel to get cheated on. Maybe it's my bias I view it only as a thing guys tend to do. But the idea of just throwing away your family, small kids who will never understand why you did what you did. I think I just simply think more of kids being forced to grow up because adults made shit choices. I don't like that. 

I understand the need someone might have to get out when they are forced into a marriage or something. But when you willingly choose someone to be with, life gets boring at times and then you try to fuck around. That's kinda shitty. Hope I never do that. Even if I'm tempted I hope I never destroy something I love. 

~~

My pet peeve with these spy thrillers is that they completely don't understand or use tech in it. Like walking around in broad daylight in London, leaving prints everywhere. All of Europe has so much public surveillance how do you even get around that. Too weird. 

Okay second round of puuuushing haha. Let's gooooo. 

Aaand productivity hehe. Feels nice. Ugh. Something about December I just love so much. Everything is so sunny and crisp just feels joyous. I want to start working on the story today so little timmmeeee

I feel like it's nice to create your own traditions. I find it really sweet to give importance to certain things. Just little things that matter. :) Hehe feeling all gooey about this. 

Working in silence at midnight. Something about this feels so right, and the hours just flow. Beautiful 😍

Existential something

Waking up early on a weekday so I can feel like I'm done with everything by 11 am. The feeling of restlessness is priceless.

Black Doves

Cozy in bed, watching a nice show and marvelling at BBC just always coming through with such good content. Fresh, unique and engaging. After so long I'm watching a series. Well, no reading for tonight I guess. Hehe. I'm happy rn. Have to also start ideating for the story for Maya. I think I can come up with something good. Tomo!! A shiny new day

What a hectic day, juggling so many things. Whew. Just gonna sleep nicely tonight. ♥️

Guess we are all watching Ding winningggg hehe. Good stufffffff 💪🏼

Ohhhhh he did ittttt wowww. What a masterful game so effing well done. Now that's a crushing victory 🙌. DING WINNINGGGGG

Okay imma hold my breath and wish for DINGGGGG 🎉🎉

Turn it arounddddd

Do players' personalities influence their chess? Interesting question asked to Sadler. He says not necessarily. Says he is reserved as a person but very diff chess wise. Hmmm... I think who you are unfettered is very much visible on the board. What you do under stress and high stakes shows very distinctly who you are. Part of why I root for magnus always I simply with no reservations believe one should optimise to win everytime. My own chess is overly optimistic and at times not thought through and lacks the base of hard work required to refine it, but when I push myself I'm happy with the results so I know what I lack in rigor currently I'll make up over time in persistence. Feel like you can always figure clues out about people slowly that way. But who knows, maybe I'm completely wrong. Hehe.

~

Oh wow he also has an ex wife and a current one haha. Man, people really divorce a lot huh. Or maybe these chess players are just annoying the fuck out of women haha. I can soooo see this happening lmao. Well, I hope when I marry it's for good and just the once. I'll hold out for that. Want a good solid partnership, didn't deal with so much bs in life to falter in this kinda stage. Hehe. Guess that means I need to keep my standards up and not shortchange myself on essentials. 

~

Fuck it. Let me get my 1900 back then quit 3+0 for good. Let's play actual chess and prove my own self wrongggg haha. Yeah fuck it not letting myself off the hook for lack of rigor. 

Somehow whatever happens, I do end up being quite supportive of this fellow lol. Idk why also but there's a genuine part of me that sees not just potential but just desire in him to be better and somehow I then feel like ok go for it. Do it. I'll be here every step of the way if you need and even if you don't need but let's do it. Haha. The downside is that I do get annoyed when I don't feel like I'm appreciated cuz then suddenly a side kicks in saying hey wait if they don't openly say thanks etc then why be there? Why not just spend time with those that do? I suppose that's eventually going to end up being the dealbreaker if it comes to that. Balance is something that comes from both sides anyway so like. 

Anyway blah. Let's watch the gaaame. Haha. Omg it's going to be decisive hopefully. Want ding to just show some fucking magic. Hehe, well atleast I hope he tries. The number of people just critiquing him is brutal. Must be very very tough to feel like you have let everyone down nothing like that horrid feeling of not measuring up or seeing everyone disappointed. I think it's one of the worst things in the world to be subjected to. Well, I shall always champion people I see not believing in themselves, I am 100 percent sure that a mix of love and belief makes a huge difference in performance. Esp for those who are inherently self critical, the outside world needs to go easy on them cuz they are already being harsh on themselves. I suppose that's why I like Sadler, he understands that and doesn't push his own feelings on others. Maturity is knowing your own boundaries and holding yourself to a certain standard that ensures you don't hurt others.