A warm cuddly hug 🫂. Just. Hehe. 

Pecos, wildchild

Went to a wine tasting, it was blah. Then came to Pecos..lol. The pub of my youth. Holy crap time does stand still. Even Anthony is still here serving patrons. So is the popcorn you get with the pitcher. And the music. Fuuuuck..hard fucking rock. My first love. On a bed of roses. And all the classics that I have FUCKING LOVED. IN MY FLOYD SHIRT. Lol. Man. A slice of youth and a time I loved. Shotting at fuel when H and I and the gang were fighting. Holy nostalgia hahaha. Jimi Hendrix staring at me, nipples bare. Winds of change coming on next. Down to gorky park. Heh. The ruuuskis would get it. Taaaaakkke meeee. 

Fuuuuck

God. We were so wild. So full of ourselves. And so convinced of our lives.  

I still am. And I am still here. Pecos. My first love with popcorn on top. Heh..and still it's not exactly the same. Maybe cuz I'm older? Idk. Just feels like a bittersweet part of my growing up years. L you were such a huge part of it. And V. Lol. My first long term bf heh. Crazy. Aaaa..idk man, everything is diff now. So different. 

Let's just assume for the night that I love it. 

Aaand The Who comes on holy fuck. Aaaaaa. 

WE WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN. Suck it, everyone🖕

~

And hallowed be thy naaaame

Ugh. Cradle of filth. Never realised the religion symbolisms in them but fuck. I love it. Doomed but trying hard. 

~

Babies go waaah

Listening to the levitov podcast and damn man. I feel sorry for Kramnik in part. He is such a...how tf are you 49 and this way. This entire thing is him looking for attention and he doesn't care who he hits out at. I kept wondering why he went after Danya and not Hiki and now it's dawning on me that it's simply cuz Naro has Soviet roots. So he must seem closer to them than Hiki etc. It's weird how much role identity plays in people's choices. And it's so fucked up that K is sooooo desperate for attention. It's insane and unnatural. What is it about chess that makes people so crazy? Is it just that they measure their lives based on elo? Man. That's so sad if true. A whole world to choose from and all you want to do is devolve into such a mess. I find it interesting from a human story perspective. All of them seem to have some strange need to demean others and climb to the top of an imaginary hierarchy. Hiki taking shots at everyone all the time. M said he came after his family too same as alireza's brother and others. So shitty. He came after erigaisi also I remember that. Even Giri had said something mean to alis bro iirc. How tf do you say shit about people's families man. And M mentioned his grandad passed away but didn't think to ask me about my granny still. Sheesh. Just hit me so hard in that moment I almost cried. Well, never mind. Not going to think about this again.

What a low. Never have I seen that in anyyyy sport. It must suck to have these unwanted dudes just behind your back. Nepo also yuck. I actually just dislike these people based on their personalities lol. I can't play chess even half as well but I would never look up to any of them or want to be around them ever. 

But what's interesting to me is the choices K is making rn. From this it sounds as if he is just looking for chess com to be his bitch and make him king and lashing out at everyone to see what sticks. Wow. Crazy how entitled some people feel. It's literally like a small kid in a grocery store throwing a fit. God i hate those kids too haha. I wonder what parenting trick is needed to deal with them cuz it seems like the same is needed here. " Really toxic babysitting" that's the phrase that comes to mind. It is as bad as watching adult alcoholics. When 30yos get shit faced and slur etc it is so gross and sad and pathetic. Sadly I view most of these people also in the same way now. Hmmm. Embrace tennis 🎾, my one true sports love.   

And you know what fuck all this idc... Imma listen to eminem and work outttttt 💪

Let's goooooo

All Eve did, was eat an apple.

And then we blamed her for all that went wrong after. 

Funny. It's always women who get blamed for folly. Even though Adam bit it right after. Heh. What a joke. 

And there lay show white. Eons later. 

 Cut my own hair and didn't fuck it uppppp

🥺

This is so cool zomggg

https://www.decarpentier.nl/carpentopod

Gotta see the build properly zomgggg so niceeee 

Unsavoury

Grima, Uriah Heep, Unferth, Snape... All derivatives of the same character. Interesting how many influences influenced others. 

People always hated Iago, I grew up hating Heep... Quite literally the most loathsome character I've ever seen, along with now Luzhin. 

If you condense all the grime of the human condition into a person, you have these unsavoury everyday characters. True evil is rare. The common domestic evil these guys embody along with their insidious presence has always struck me as far more poisonous than most people give it credit for. 

Shudders. 

I'd like to create a character that can be hated. Hated more than an all powerful evil one.

Hmmm. 

Just a reminder to myself: My life is my responsibility and I should choose to pick better roads if the ones I'm currently on simply show me pictures that are not to my liking. And I think it's high time I do it.

The world can be a murky place. There are so many discontented people out there. And it's always the small things that count and matter that increase happiness and quality of life. It's time to accept that I should choose to count on those who make that effort for me. 

Long back, when I spoke to J... That felt so nice and I was so drawn into the conversation. It was because it had been ages since someone was just nice to me and connected with me on my wavelength. It felt easy because the person I was speaking to was at ease with themselves and willing to be nice to me cuz hmmm. Cuz he is a secure man tbh. He is a lot of other things. Things that do not align with me and who I am. But that one bit is so important. Just that value you confer on to someone because you care and more importantly because you don't feel diminished doing so. Lol. I can't believe I'm even stating that out loud. Where did I take a wrong turn that I actually have to state that out loud lol. Yeah. Hmmm. 

Well, no point in dwelling but from now onwards I think I have to be cognizant of this and make room only for what naturally fits. I'm done feeling like a slave and never again will I do it. 

Granny's one month passing is kinda bringing home that fact to me. 

Anyway, I feel myself mentally checking out finally. I am not willing to withstand negative behaviour. I guess cuz I had some measure of hope that I might be wrong, but that's just wishful thinking I suppose. Heh. All I've ever wanted is niceness and consideration and I am not going to compromise on that anymore. 

~

Listening to Naroditsky's podcast as I type this and I can't help but feel like I share the exact same bias for fairness that he seems to have. Which is why I do not find it easy to believe that he would ever stoop low enough to cheat. The thing that strikes me so much is how he is still willing to be fair towards that asshole, no disrespect to assholes ofc. In my own life I feel I've been guilty of doing that exact same thing... Being fair towards shitty people out of a compulsion to be fair even when said people suck. But I guess he understands as I feel I do too that ethics and ethical frameworks are meant to remain undiluted and untouched by the lunacy of others. That's the whole point, you do not allow the actions of others to break that covenant. And it can be hard. I can appreciate how horrid it must be for him rn to have to deal with these whispers and nonsense. Can see how much it impacts him. I guess that's what I was trying to tell M too, esp about accusing kids. Like it doesn't matter even if they do something wrong, grown men aren't allowed to bully them just for that. Subjecting kids to abuse even in the form of online bullying and harassment as punishment is ungodly and unpardonable. I wanted to tell him to imagine what Bobs reaction would be if his kid does something wrong and some unrelated dude shows up and starts yelling at the child or plastering nonsense online. I'm sure Bob would want to knock him out. Any good father would want to tbh. Idk. I hope M gets it someday. (And perchance you do read this, then well... I really hope and wish you understand the sanctity of protecting kids even when they do something wrong. There are times in life when you have to learn to keep the well-being of others above your own agendas and wishes. Being able to discern that shows character.)

Today marks one month since she passed. Fuck man. I feel bad. And I fucking love my parents so goddamn much. 

Damn dude. Fuck. Just. Idk. I feel bad.

Reading Naroditsky's explanation and couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for him. It must really suck to have your ethics questioned so publicly and be forced to address the issue. People like K are just awful. And it's interesting how arm twisty it is as well. Just accuse someone, drag them into controversy then force them to comply in some degree even if they don't want to engage. Kudos to Naro for still attempting to be respectful. Hmmm. I hope he is as impeccable as he seems. 

I often used to wonder what I would do in a situation where someone just behaves in this garbage way. I think I'd be outraged. Idk if it's arrogance but I guess I just default never assumed that anything about me is questionable. I might be rash and brash and rude but not unethical. Heh...and diplomacy isn't my strong suit either so lmao. No wonder I've always disliked the idea of fame, it seems to have no upside. 

The picture is starting to change maybe. Can't be sure as of now but yeah. Feels like it. Well, it is what it is. 

"Intellect and Love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing, but love dissolves all tangles and risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advises, ‘Beware too much ecstasy,’ whereas Love says, ‘Oh, never mind! Take the plunge!’ Intelligence does not easily break down, whereas Love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures."

~

How quaint. Except a broken heart also yearns for that elusive lover. Love thyself, love others but don't pick one over the other. 

A lot of times in life I feel myself torn between two choices. Do I just go with what I feel, or do I keep aside what I feel in lieu of letting go? And it's hard at times to figure which path to choose. I don't like to be swayed by emotion to a point where I'm just doing whatever the fuck I want. That feels irresponsible. But in being responsible towards others at times I feel I severely neglect what I want. 

~

So I know I'm not being completely honest with Di as to why I've not spoken to her. But honestly... After that entire negative vibe of bitching about A, then the whole N thing which just annoyed me I wanted to not interact cuz I just started feeling very much like some emotional support animal for her. Idk man. I see parts of her that are very transactional. I see the bits where I feel she doesn't love her husband and is still with him cuz it's better than being alone. The negative takes on other people's lives like trying to diss my brother's relationship just from the get go etc. I end up seeing a lot of very bad behaviour like misery needs company and she can't stand the idea of someone else being happy if she isn't. Then that batshit crazy thing she said about throwing a finger in that annoying neighbours balcony as retaliation like bruh that was so psycho. Complete with you can get it from a morgue like who TF THINKS OF THAT. AAAAA. 

But it's not even that. It's that arm twisting messages she sent me cuz I haven't spoken in a bit. 'Talk to me on Sunday or else I'm taking a step back'. 2 hours after my granny's funeral I'm getting this and honestly like idk. I hate it when people try to be controlling and start giving these ultimatums it comes across as very toxic. There's a way to speak and it isn't this. And the entire time I knoooow she asked me when I'm back to see if I call and if I don't then it'll be time to send me these ultimatums like aaaa. No same person behaves this way and more than anything I don't want to cater to it tbh. That's essentially my issue I just don't like someone trying arm twisting and that horrible feeling of guilt that makes me want to give them what they want even though it's against my wishes. Lol. I'm also avoidant when it comes to shit like this but honestly after 30 you can't fucking send your friends these weird arm twisty messages it's too annoying. M has always maintained I should not have befriended her lol. Hmmm. Idk man. I simply don't want that kinda negativity. I honestly just don't want to be like a crutch for someone to use. 

Other M... If you ever read this you fucking keep it to yourself I don't want my life tiffs shared with anyone. 🖕Everytime I'm trying to post something I feel like you are over my shoulder peeking and smirking lol. Ass. 

Saw half an ep of Bollywood wives and wanted to puke. Lol. Even as trash tv goes this is soooo bad. Something about these jobless clowns trying to show off and getting blingy whole having zero to offer is sooooo cringe. 🤮🤮🤮🤮

Lol. I think all my life I've hated the whole kitty party women cliques. Yukky. And the insecure lives they lead. Double yukky. Plus idk all these shallow lives and people do hell bent on wanting to be younger it's like women who are older aren't respected at all. So sad. I hate the way the world treats women at times tbh. 

Buuuut:

This show. Omg. Must keep on watch list:

Bet?

It's funny. A part of me is reluctant to write much now not cuz I don't have much to say but cuz I'm a bit wary and can't pretend like I don't know it'll be read. But the other part is like hmmmm...now that I have mentioned it, it probably won't be. Funny lil dilemma. Actually I'm also curious as to what the next move would be... Just refraining from peeking or just say eff it and do it anyway? Or like play it cool and give it time and then do it? Hahah. Weirdo. Well, it's fine either way. I think. I hated it when P was doing it cuz I didn't want him in any part of my life and I'm so fiercely guarded about myself that the idea of him invading into my private space was repulsive. But I find myself not minding it one bit with you. I guess I'll also be a bit more tempered about what I say and how cuz it's only fair. Well. This is a form of openness I never really expected to experience in life, but I'll try to be comfortable with it. If nothing, atleast it makes me less inclined to just hide. Perhaps that's a good thing. I feel oddly free. 

Cheers. 

From loving that lil kid's joy in that vid to knowing he just assaulted a woman. Wtf man. It actually just hurts. Am I being silly over something? Idk. Weird. I wanted to preserve that memory always inside a lil cocoon but then the stupid world has to show it's ugly side and yet. I guess fairy tales need not exist and that's okay. But what's bothering me here? Hmmmm. 

It's just knowing that someone that small and happy on that one day in the middle of a random game whose squeals made me adore the entire thing, a thing I would not have been aware of had I not chanced upon it soooo utterly randomly...like so many things had to align the way they did for me to see that and it was such a spontaneously happy reaction for me and now all I can imagine is some horrified teen having to deal with cops and what not and he probably is more afraid of what awaits him at home more than anything else. You know. Fuck his parents if they caused him this much stress. Fuck parents everywhere who are relentless in their desire to live out their dreams through their kids and fuck them for driving and abusing kids to this extent honestly. 

Hmmm. 

I hope that kid finds his way. I legit do. Nothing in life is so shattered that you can't fix it and I hope he can do so and just learn and do better. A kid is a kid at the end of the day and I hope he just rebuilds his life from here on out. It's important to learn to be your own support structure at times in life, but you have to. 

If I had one fucking super power, I used to think it'll be something cool like teleportation or flying but now I feel like the one true power would be the ability to sheild all kids from mental and physical harm and help them believe they can build a life they are proud of and happy with. Work hard, believe in yourself, but choose happiness whatever that is.

We live our lives in our heads, more than anything else. Carrying around negativity and bad thoughts is simply like not showering or something. It's just self harm. You are the one that feels the brunt of it the most. Robbing people of peace and happiness is such a crime, you just doom them to a lifetime of evil thoughts. So yeah, if I could... I would choose to shield them from this fate. Moments like the ones he is facing are the times when you need someone solid by your side...if nothing then just to give you hope and conviction that you can turn things around. I hope Yoo can find that in his life somehow. Don't know Yoo but wish the best for Yoo. Lol. Idk why I had to write that heh. 

I also feel weird writing down something honest knowing how childish and naive or silly or whatever it may come across as.  Do I need to worry about being judged? Shall I cloak myself? I know that inner me is very idealistic and that makes me unrealistic at times but idc, you can always keep your own monologues adhering to what you feel is true. But sharing that self with someone else feels weird cuz I've never done it before. 

Nay ✋💀 

Run

Sweat

Music 

Late Night

Sttayyyyyyyyyyaaayyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaayaya

...with me 

Happy place

Blossoms. A city institution that only the OGs care about. 

The oldest used book store where I could spend days and days just browsing with my earphones plugged in. Ugh. The smell of old books, the quiet, the occasional employee walking past... unhurried, and the worlds and years that were contained within each book that made me want to read them all furiously. 

I could never leave without atleast buying 6-7 books and feeling remorse that I couldn't take them all. Fuckkkk. 

Heh. My first time being in a library in my school when I was barely 6-7 that kicked off a lifelong yearning for reading. I've always felt so at home in a library. Dammit. I gotta visit soon. 

 In the midst of all the bs and all the shitty little existential crises that prop their ugly heads up .. the one thing that rears it's head always is the knowledge that at there are some barriers that don't relent. Seeing Nadal today. Makes me wonder. 

Idk man. He has enough laurels to last him a lifetime. And yet he is not happy he is so sad. Unlike djoko. 

Who battled the negativity of every person that loved fedal. And didn't relent. 

Idk. 

In their own way all three have their own bitter sentiments to chew on. For djoko it's many people not unanimously loving him as the goat. For Nadal it's the perpetual number 2 spot that hurts him. And for FedEx it's the number 3 spot that he knows is his except he can't deal with it. He hates djoko. 

Hmmm. 

Funny is life. Maybe it is trying to teach everyone something. 

Legends

Ratan Tata died. What a giant of a man. RIP. 

Nadal retired. 

And Demis Hassabis won the Nobel.

All in 24 hours. 

Dayum. 

Wholesome

Watching some pewds and cinnamontoast ken collabs and while I find them both wholesome, it's also interesting that both their wives reached out to them first and both stayed with them long term building good families. So cool. Esp Ken who is suuuuuch a dad lol. I actually quite like the person he seems to be, there's an innate feeling of home around him haha. That's so nice. Not often that you expect or find that in youtubers tbh, most are just weirdo show offs which I find sooooo repulsive. Nothing gross like people throwing money or sex around I find that so crass and tacky. Lol. The one thing I'll always judge cuz it's always a sign of a lesser mind in my books. Oh well. 

8th Oct

I finally cracked an idea I think would be great if I can execute it well. Just. 

Idk if I'm nervous or excited heh. I just hope I can do it justice and actually also follow through. 

Maaan. 

Dayum. I'm really gonna do this. 

Okay. Nervousness aside, let's try. 

Love

Darlin 

Ugh. 

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. 

Woah oh oh oh
Every night darlin'
Gonna love you every single night, yes i will
'Cause i think you're too doggone outta sight

Heh

Aaand nowww:

Dreams

Idk which I love more. Probably Darlin' cuz fuck slightly sad songs too, that era of life is over asf.

Onwards to only good things and good times and good folks making things bright.  

Support

Something changed in the last couple of weeks about my perception of C. Both he and M were very supportive after I got back and I'm soooo happy and grateful to have them. With some people you don't have to say anything just knowing that they'll be there is comfortable enough. 

We hung out all day over the last weekend and there was this moment where he kind of just opened up about some stuff that made me instantly understand the source of his ego and why he behaves the way he does. And I saw the vulnerable person underneath who isn't actually mean or nasty, just someone who is compelled to be recognised. But more than that I saw what M loves about him. How he is protective of her, nice to her... Like just doing things with her together. And I guess I just felt a sense of as happiness and restfulness here. 

In life some people might have very annoying traits on the surface but when you see the person they are underneath and if they are able to align with your own values then you can just rest easy. Maybe that's the whole thing about trust too. Once you know you are safe, you can just relax. That is not to say that I don't feel he may not benefit from letting some of the insecurities go, because it is a bit taxing at times to be around someone who constantly wants to prove themselves as the smartest in the room. Heh. I guess I prefer it if people aren't so competitive around their own circle. Because even I'm competitive and it gets hard to not engage. Except you should never ever do that in your own circles. Keep that shit to the outside world where you need to be clear. With close ones there is no point in competing cuz noone wants to be a part of a hierarchy and have someone keep trying to put themselves on top. 

But still, all that is kinda background noise now. I never realised how feminine I can be, in that I tend to manage everyone's emotions at times. I don't know if it's a feminine quality or if it's simply an aftermath of having had to do that for people forever. But what I do know is I want people in life who value me and my feelings and are willing to take that load off from me and actually care about me the way even he does for her. I've seen that and I appreciate it so much. And I guess she sees that too and that's what counts in the end. Outer personas are diff but internally it's the same value system.

And M - the idea of you reading this some day is now making me want to stop writing the comparative analysis I would have. About how you never have come through for me even once etc. as a friend, as a person, as a human. But I will spare you that bluntness. What I will add is this - the quality of a person isn't determined by who they pretend to be, it's determined by their actions alone. Everything else is simply noise. 

In the midst of my granny's illness I asked you for a single favour for my brother and you just shrugged it off. Something that was important to me and well within your reach to have just helped but you didn't. And then you read about it here as I later found out and continued to not offer any help. On your own bday I spent the day just wishing and you didn't even say thanks yet later started saying stuff like... " theres only so much I can do." What have you ever done for me? Other than treat me badly whenever convenient? Is that the only way you feel good about yourself? My narcissist ex also had this habit. He viewed everything that wasn't about him as an inconvenience and played victim whenever someone called him out. 

Yet today you speak to me normally talking about how you played that one tennis shot etc like lol. Even after knowing she died you didn't once say anything just spoke about something generic right after. I would never have done that to you. Or to anyone else tbh. 

I don't know what or how to even compute that to be honest. Why so devoid of empathy? How can everything be about you all the time like even when someone is sad you just want them to speak about you? Hmmm. So it goes and this is the person you choose to be. Dunno why, but blah. 

Well. So it goes. Meh. 

Malik

When I see movies like Malik. A part of me feels humbled at the simplicity and beauty of the narrative and the emotions. Idk. They aren't the most famous,being regional cinema. And yet. Their heart is so extraordinary. 

All my life, I've yearned and tried to remove the lens of society and prejudice... Just so I can try to see the diamonds without the shroud of deception and judgement. And man, the days I'm successful feel so fucking good.

~

M - you ass. If you are reading this, please know that you are now reading the very core of what I feel in whatever small measure. It's stuff I hide from the world cuz it's precious to me because all I'm trying to do is be authentic. But you might be here now and idk I feel vulnerable at the thought of you knowing this bit of me and I want to hide all over again. Ugh. 

Idk how to express my most innermost feels anymore because the idea of someone's lens on me is just idk. I legit don't know. 

Kids from my apartment came to sell me raffle tickets for school, told me I have a nice house with ambient lighting and then tried to upsell me another ticket hahahahha. Omg. Boy kids are the best. So cute. 

My coffee mug fell and shattered and I feel so bad sheesh. Of all the random attachments to have, I had one to my precious pretty mug. One time I lost money in stocks and didn't give a shit but thiiiiis bothers me honestly cuz I loved it. Ugh. Dammit I feel bad lol