Research

I started out researching cluster B disorders out of a sense of curiosity as well as wanting to see if there's some elements that can be used to craft certain characters. Deep diving into bpd was like ohhhh boy. I don't even get how people exist that way to be honest. It's such a painful way to live. Some of the stuff I can't even relate to or understand. Like the feelings of emptiness cuz you don't know who you are at your core. How can that even be? And from that stemming the intense need to relate to others etc. I'm actually completely lost about this cuz the concept itself feels v foreign to me. But it made me feel quite bad to imagine someone having to wilfully live like this. And one of the lectures I saw said people like this self harm as a distraction like bruh. He called it "meditative" and that they self harm in minor ways cuz it takes away the feelings of emptiness. And they can be suicidal too. Idk man, at that point I wanted to legit just give up the research cuz I can't ever use something like this in a story or for a character. It's such a brutal existence, feels v wrong and exploitative to even go there to be honest. I know compelling characters are made of conflicts and struggles but I cannot be the kind of person that uses stuff like this for entertainment. 💀

Explosive reactions all the time over something minor was something that made me think though... A used to do that all the time... Just took something minor as insulting and immediately lash out. I've always been conflict averse and seeing that kind of reaction used to make me give in to them cuz I felt like okay if it matters so much then why not. And I hated that feeling of just being on eggshells around them so giving in to them seemed easier. But fuck. The resentment you build up over time to these people is unreal. I never let her back in my life after. And now I feel like oh boi. I don't know if it was a legit disorder or shades of it that made her and a couple other people behave the way they do, but dayum. Either way, it doesn't matter cuz it was extremely unhealthy behaviour and v toxic. Yeah, I mean I can empathise if someone feels bad etc but that doesn't take away from the collosal damage they do to you. Like with her, I think I was just constantly in a space of high alert and I guess emotional abuse wasn't a common term then, but yes, that's what it amounted to. Even today, she is so jealous of Di and me being friends that the minute she realises it, she starts trying to win back one of us. It's crazy and so fucked up. 

Eeeyeah I don't think I want to learn more about this lmao. Too fucked up it seems.