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Threw up yet another decade old gem lmao. Why are all my friends such assholes hahaha, loved fucking with me so much! 

🤣🤣

Told my friend my mum wanted to drag me to some formal lunch which I declined ( more like escaped ), and then I was stabbed lmao. Such assholery haha, love it.

Ps - I AM A SOCIAL DELIGHT,  FIGHT ME 🤺

Well

Spoke lots to M, she seems fine now. Hopefully shit gets sorted out soon enough. 

In other news, I am so sleep deprived even coffee isn't helping ffs 😩

Bruh

I found something out about C and told M. Damn. I'm so sorry but fuck. I don't know what she will do now. I just feel really bad about it. It's like just when life seemed to be sorting itself out it does this weird thing. I'm sure she feels very betrayed. 

Ugh. Why can't either of us find trustworthy people this is so fucked up! Made me realise even I'm taking too many things for granted about people. :( It's so weird when someone doesn't share a thing about themselves even when they know you. Idk man, I can't do this distrust thing again. And I hope whatever it is, she figures it out too. Just wish she didn't have to deal with it fuck fuck fuck. :(

I really need life to streamline itself one way or another for both of us, I'm tired of second guessing. 

Why the fuck are people so goddamn secretive and complicated like sheesh just have the courage to be open and direct, ffs! Can't be that hard unless ofcourse you are a wuss of the highest order!

Aaaaa. Feel like yelling at someone. 

Fam

Mum came to visit, got me some stuff and a pineapple to boot. How sweet, except I'm allergic to it. And she didn't remember that. Then promptly forgot that I quit eating meat 4 years ago smh. It's like everything about me is invisible to her lol. 

Oh well, atleast my friends seem to have a sense of humor about it : D.

Can't choose the family you are born in, but you can choose the rest ❤️ 

Featured

Yaaay C got featured in a mag for start up co-founders. Damn happy for him. It's pretty cool to get press. He was telling me how tough it is to acquire funding esp for hardware startups cuz they are burn through cash so damn fast. But good shit. Wish the coverage was a bit more edited though, what the hell is with the weird ass typos sheesh. It's so annoying when people don't do their jobs right. Lol. Anyway, saving for later perusal. M seems happy too, she was saying finally they are getting money in the company and better deals. Love it when friends do well, GOOD STUFF! 

Growing up

Was talking to M today and asked her about C. He has all but started living with her lol. So she was telling me about the challenges that come with it for her. It was interesting, she is so aloof and stoic that sharing a space with someone definitely makes her a bit antsy. But on balance it seems to be going well. I'm glad. It's been a while since her divorce, and back in college and thereafter she never dated someone nice. I don't even know how she came out of that marriage without feeling shitty cuz my god that dude just sucked. I wish I'd had the courage to tell her how much I hated that guy back then. He seemed like such a jerk, I hated him from the moment I looked at him. But I guess we weren't  as close then. Weird how I choose people who are closed up and stick around till we get comfortable with each other. I'm glad I put in so much effort with her, she would have just meandered a lot more if I hadn't I feel. She told me how much of an impact it made back when I used to ensure I call her and keep badgering her to move on with her life. I didn't realise what I was doing instinctively could be so meaningful to someone. It makes me very happy to hear that though, she is such a gem, an absolute diamond. I hope life finds a happy ending for her from now. She has slowly build up herself over these last few years, and I find a lot of strength and inspiration in that. Plus I can just trust her so implicitly. Finding the ability to trust has been such a hard task in my life, but I'm glad now I only have people I care about around me. 

I love you M, you're one of the best people in my life, you make me so comfortable and okay being myself and I'm so glad we are friends! Funny how much both C and I dote on her, we literally cherish her to bits lol. I want that in my life too, cuz I'm sure I'll be the one to dote on them and it would be nice to have that returned. I don't want it to be imbalanced here on out cuz it's really nice feeling like you are cherished. :) Guess that's one of the feelings of safety I'm also looking for. I think I'll just commit instantly the minute I feel that, until then I'll probably just be guarded. But it's okay, I need to have that filter, because I want to commit for good anyway, so if it takes time then it takes time. 

M - you were one of the unlikely ones, and yet time did it's thing and made sure we find a cocoon of our own, even though we are so different. But I understand now that having a similar value system is paramount to any relationship. I hope our equation just goes from strength to strength, cuz it's crazy how much we have grown together. ♥️

Cherry cherry cherry on 🔝

I played M in a game today, was sooo nice. He went so easy on me and I lost ofcourse but was epic fun. Guess he isn't mad about me raging last night haha. Good. It's hard to gauge reactions just over text, or even intent tbh. So idk how much of what I say gets translated as what. Oh well, better he learn to deal with it now itself lol. There's many things I can change about myself but worrying about someone and subsequently annoying them about it doesn't seem to be one of them. Too bad M, and good luck. ^⁠_⁠^ ( I'm not even ashamed of saying this )

Idk why but I suddenly realised today that underneath the rage monster he claims to be, he is a total softie. I'm sure he tries to hide that side lots. I think his semi trash talk made me realise it, he kept it so sweet and funny, I basically melted. 

Hmmm..I'd actually like to hear him go hard with the trash talk with some strong opponents, that would be very, very interesting. 

Come to think of it, even I'd love to take him on in a battle of wits, I'm dying to probe how well he holds his ground lol. Not in a serious way, cuz I know he would DIE if thought he was being actually challenged, and lord help us if he thought he was losing lmao. Fuck hahahah. He would just get sooooo obscenely competitive. Every fibre in his being would get dug in at the thought. :⁠-⁠D. It would be hard to get along if that happened. I don't think he knows how competitive I can be, and yeah, you can't peacefully coexist if you turn things into a win- lose scenario. However, I doo want just a teeny bit of verbal jousting to know what mischief he hides up those sleeves. I bet there's some fun stuff there, but I guess not in front of other people. You gotta be on your best behaviour in front of them, sadly. I wanna talk to him and hear it 1:1, without those stupid public facades. It's a bit irritating to have to be semi formal in front of other people, but I guess it's a necessity. So fine, whatever.

All in all, a fairly interesting day - today. May there be mo mo moooohh! 

Men

Won't sleep peacefully until they worry the crap out of you. Then you act crazy and annoy them. And then they'll get all dug in, and you'll get all dug in and stalemate. 

The cycle of ages continues.  

Cleansing

The trash tv with some epic music. I love these two, reminds me of the dingy pubs at 18, getting high and making out. The taste of a lover's tongue on mine, mixed with beer and the scent of smoke, his hand travelling up my spine.

The memory of the lover is faint, but I remember these moments. It was the first time I realised I loved the feel of a strong hand cradling me. Guess that's why I have a thing for hands, the strong ones make me feel safe and protected, and I feel free to open up and share sides of me that very few have been privvy to. 

Mockingbird - Barclays James Harvest

Stationary Traveller - Camel

But the times I fell in love...I think I always heard Sting, cuz I wanted them to know the shape of my heart and by myself...walk in fields of gold. 💞

Being young and heady had its perks

Funny, there's a song I can think of that makes me think of you too, but I'm too much of a wuss to ever share that with you. Plus who knows, maybe I'm just not sweet enough to do so lol ;)

Girls' day out

Today. Lolol, and I've been told to dress up, specifically haha. Alrighty, imma look pretty for the ladies today, heels and all. :D

Snark

Idk if it's the period pains or pms or what but I couldn't help myself and just sent a few semi snarky texts ugh. Why am I like this? It's been ages since I felt anything close to possessiveness but fuck, I just hate myself when I feel this way, esp as I have no actual right to be. But damn, I legit hate it. Having said that, it's not an excuse. Need to pull it together and maybe also apologise. 

Lmao

Basically, lol

😑

Periods and that shit. Fml. I need to go out get my mind off for a while. Feeling sick and I hate it. AND feel like having a nice beer, but I won't so that sucks. 

Bleh

L pinged today, demanding to know why I haven't been in touch. The audacity. Cuz you keep backstabbing everyone, lady. Such an egoistic, self obsessed way of talking. 

I can't believe the kind of people I used to be friends with, like seriously. I think I was so used to making an effort for people that they just took me for granted most times. Guess I learnt the value of reciprocity very late in life. But it's a good metric to judge intent. If someone isn't meeting you half way or generally just relies on you to put in the effort, then it's best to hold back from them. I hate having to consciously do that though, it feels like you are playing games with people, something I hate to do. Just keep it simple, guys. It's not that hard. Be nice, show you care, take an interest in others' lives and things will be smooth. Funny how the basics are like rocket science to some folks. Then again, took me forever to learn the basics as well so who am I to chide others. Sheesh. 

Glad you are out of mine for good L, wish I hadn't wasted as much time on you as I did. 

Whatever, I'm going try and get some sleep! Was up all night for no reason and now I'm cranky asf. Goodnight world!

Awake

Wide, wide awake. 

Found a synthwave version of the song now lol. I hope I never tire of you. Feels like I'm riding a sine wave of lil beads of light a la Einstein. 

In the middle of the night, with my room really cold, in the midst of reading random conversations, with the impending doom of my periods looming and a whole lot of chess, all I end up wondering about is just that one thing. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy inside. But I don't know who else to be. 

Ok

Hearing Canon in D again. Lol, it never fails to cheer me up. Why do I love it so much? Heard some weird drum version and still turned into goo. Ditto every other one I checked out. Dammit. It's like every bit of negativity leaves me and just lets me go back to natural state. Like I feel for Rachmaninoff, the only thing better than finding you, would have been finding you sooner! I love you, love you, love you so so so muchhhh! ♥️

If

God were to tell a joke, would mankind laugh for all eternity?

Fry-yay

Imma quiz tonight woohooo! Gotta beat those suckers from the last time, hope they show up 😬😈

Fuck, competing for that shitty prize is so worth it, I love it so much. Last time M and I almost banished a team of ten, felt so damn good. 

All those years of diving into stupid ass interests finally paying off.

Ooo

My old groovy, sexy song

So my vibe, love how slow and seductive the beats are. Just slow dance and sing it, perfect rhythm at times.

Diversity

Yesterday was fun. Lots of tennis talk, lots of technicalities discussed. Quite enjoyed that. There's so many new ways to teach beginners stuff now. I used to always believe in a natural gameplay whether it was tennis or basketball. Like get your eye on the ball and the body will follow the movement it needs to. I must have overestimated it lol. My tennis coach when I started used to keep telling me I don't complete the swing and stubborn child that I was, I kept thinking it's okay not to since I could anyway have power in my shots. But now I understand so much better. Thank fuck humility is a skill I've learnt to cultivate. 

I loved M yesterday, so in his element. I wish more people were interested in learning, the quality of stuff he could do would be so much higher if they wanted it so. Even the discussions. There are times when the more diverse ones come around and they discuss art, music, movies or random tidbits. Or the stupidly funny ones with their silly lines, which are enjoyable too. I like all of those parts. The range is great, music always complements. 

I guess the only ones I find depressing is when it's that one guy just talking rubbish, then people piling on to bully him and some random girl explicitly hitting on M, or if we are lucky, a bunch of them. I never get that, how can you be so lame that you feel like you need to throw yourself at him so openly. I wonder if he finds it flattering. He might, boys will be boys lol. I guess my meter is more "if a guy said this to a girl" and the minute you reverse the gender it looks so cheap. I remember when the mang dude was dming. He ended up telling me things like I want you tied up etc, and all of it was said as a joke in the same way. But when you read it back later, it sounds so tacky. Lol, maybe everyone just does that from the get go idk. I'm a very sexual person too, but showing it to the world like some cheap wares you are hawking is yuk. Glad he stopped doing it with me, unlike boys, I don't actually find all this flattering in the least. 

Oh well screw that line of thought. Back to quality lol. Hope the frequency of M being able to talk about stuff he is passionate about goes up. I can tell there's an avid researcher in him that likes to deep dive into topics that interest him, but I don't think he gets to actually discuss all of it at length. Wonder if he likes debating. Haha...but knowing him...he wouldn't indulge in a discussion or a debate unless he felt he knew as much or more than the other person lol. And he will definitely gun for more, cuz so competitive. I do hope he gets a few more of the followers who enjoy diversity in their conversations and interests. Would definitely level up the experience for him and the rest. But then I'll end up spending so much time holy cow 😅. Felt so tired at night cuz I spent the entire day since 6am in front of the monitor. 

Aaand I realise now it's time to get out of bed. Okay laterzzz!

TREK

NEXT ONE WHEN I NEED A HILL TO CLIMBBBBB. MAKE IT STOP RAINING LE ROCKS BECKON ME

Hmmm

Do you all really not believe in marriage? How sad is that? I always thought I'd be a nice wife lol. 

Like my fav drink that I haven't had in ages, maybe I'm just too old fashioned. 

Oh well, I will take the plunge someday. Didn't work on myself all these years just to go back to that stupid commitment phobia.

Yeah, fuck it. Imma be a fantastic wife and no husband of mine is cheating on me. Screw the rest of the world. 🤺

Love

This song is such a banger. Anime has the best soundtracks, fight me 🤺

Bang her? I don't even know her. Know her? For that you gotta come closer. Close her? Now you gotta show her. Shower? Yeah, together.

I like coming up with cheesy lines and I cannot lie. 

Tu tu tu tu tutututututu.

Where have all my fav songs gone? Of all the dead playlists.

Camus

"Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy."

Couldn't sleep half of last night and needed something to think about. I ended up listening to a podcast on Camus. I didn't know this was the articulation for the Myth of Sisyphus, and now this is quite literally blowing my mind. How could someone even contemplate it with detachment lol. 

It's one thing to lose sleep it's another to then push yourself into existential questions like these lol. Why couldn't I have just watched some random Jolly videos? Those guys are so wholesome lmao

Ps- it's been raining all the time I've been awake lol

Why

Fuck my life that narc is texting me again!! Mofo with the " hey you what's up?". So nonchalantly as if I hadn't blocked him on every piece of shit network I possibly could! God, just leave me the fuck alone already, haven't spoken to you for three years did you honestly think I want to now? Unreal. 

Of all the people I've met, this dude legit is a certifiable narcissist. I single-handedly ditched an entire friend circle to escape his toxicity, I can't deal with this shit again. Argh!! 

I wonder what's the line between hypersensitivity, self obsession and actual narcissism. I feel like I know a few people in the former category even now, but for the love of god I don't think I can stomach another person with this actual disorder. 

Why can't I just be with someone nice who actually cares about me?! Fuuuck. I'm so sick of all this running away from people. Just want something good for once. :(

Aaaaaaa. So fucking annoyed. 

FFS

My Myers Briggs yet again gave the same result lmaoo. How am I just giving the same answers over the years? While I know Jung would be very disappointed with this particular test, I'm actually a bit intrigued as to how they go about creating the archetypes. I guess maybe it's used now simply cuz it's a billion dollar industry, from what I gather. My type says I'm observant and pick up on stuff which is fair I guess. People have told me that before. And incidentally, I noticed something which has been striking me for a while now to be honest. Hmmm. Need to think about it cuz it's kinda weird, but it has been a repeat occurance. 

Bleh

Why is the half life of being tired longer than the thing that caused you to be so in the first place?

Also, fuck Peppa pig, that stupid pig came in my dreams complete with the soundtrack and turned it into a Paprikaesque absurdity. 

How good is Satoshi Kon though, I must re-watch some of his movies next weekend. Ok bye. 

Just a thought

... You don't have to be perfect all the time. Or pretend to be so. It's your shadows that make you interesting and lovable after all, not the facades. 

Don't be so afraid to share those sides. I mean this for me and for some others too tbh. Especially the ones I feel are way more afraid than me of seeming imperfect. Wish they would see themselves from my lens, they'd learn to rest easy if they did. 

Tired

M and kids just left. Man, I'm so pooped. She has soooo much patience holy fuck. Not easy to be around kids, I didn't even know you gotta watch them all the time lol. Not to mention the mess they make. How can such tiny people be so unbelievably destructive. 😑

Imma just listen to some basic ass music and chill. Need a break from humans, wish I had a dog to cuddle for a bit. I need a nice big bear hug. 

Kids

Something about being around kids makes me wonder about traditional choices. I've never really made any myself. I never dated someone just for the heck of it, I didn't marry for the heck of it, I don't particularly care about money other than to ensure my independence. Other people's definition of success doesn't do jack for me. There aren't any social norms that I ever bowed to afaik. Nor am I interested in acquiring material things, except small things like cozy blankets and nice speakers and good chocolate once in a while.

But seeing tiny kids makes me wonder if I'll ever have one of my own. I guess it's the one traditional choice I'm curious about. So many people just pop kids easily and then just proceed to destroy their lives. I'm myself a product of a bad marriage and I know how much it traumatised me and kinda still does to this day. I could never do that to a kid. I hate the idea of an unhappy home and an indifferent partner, it terrifies me. Especially indifference, I think that is one of the worst things you can experience from someone you love. I guess maybe that's why commitment, consideration and loyalty are so important to me.

The irony here is that the one traditional choice that people make so easily i.e. to marry and have kids is one that - for me - has been the most elusive in a sense. I don't think I can marry anyone unless I fall in love, there has to be that inner voice that says "Yes, you are it! You are the one I've been looking for. " And if I do get to experience that, I'm still sure that I'll only consider having a kid if that person also wants one. I think that's the only responsible way to look at things, cuz I can't do the whole marriage and family thing just for the sake of it. Guess I just like working within self imposed constraints. I could say some people have it easy, but that wouldn't be fair cuz a lot of things in my life came easy to me as well, all except love I suppose. On balance though, I am happy and in a good mindspace more or less. 

Hmmm. Let's see what the future brings. 

Here's to living an interesting life, a fulfilling life, and may it be full of love and camaraderie and filled with wonderful people going forward. 

A non alcoholic cheers! 

Ps - I can't believe I stopped drinking just on being told not to the one time lol. But I guess when you are right, you are right. Plus it's the only caring thing said to me so far, so I guess I've chosen to honor it. 

Quizlings

Hanging out with M and C tonight, seeing them both after ages. Hope C is a bit less argumentative than he was last time omg. It's sometimes so tough to navigate equations with your friends' partners. I'm glad he dotes on her though, just seeing how nice he is to her atleast makes me want to make the effort to get along and be tempered. I don't think I would find it in me to do so otherwise, seeing as I hate people who try to draw you into pointless debates where they get dug in while being wrong about everything. Fuck idk why that trait gets to me so much but I end up being so blunt and then the other person hates me cuz they can't admit they were wrong. Howwww can you be so stupidly egoistic ffs? And the constant "see I told you, I knew this, I knew that". What is this urge to keep underlining that, and the moronic assumption that you said something others didn't already know? Aaaaaaa! 

Okay I got that out of my system whew lol. Now I can go be nice and polite. Peace! 

Godel, Escher, Bach

Quarter way through this book, what an interesting concept. I had no idea about the underlying musical concepts of classical music, this stuff is so interesting. I guess I'm finally starting to appreciate stuff for their complexity, even if I struggle with it from time to time. Can't say Bach is my favourite because he doesn't hit me in the feels the way a Rachmaninoff does, but something about the intersection of math and music really makes me wonder about the genius of the minds that come up with it. I find the same layers in some art as well, especially in Van Gogh. I think I love him best because I interpret his lens as one of compassion and observation. The colours he chooses are always equal parts soothing and yearning, but not necessarily happy. It's like he captures the transient essence of the ordinary and wishes to be a part of it but doesn't see himself as a belonger. Then again, it might just be my projection. After all, an interpretation probably tells you more about the interpreter than it does the object. But my goodness, Gogh truly has my heart. And Escher quite possibly my mind. Love!

There's so much to learn out there, a lifetime is just not enough. 

Ooh la la

I am so possessive. It's my one Achilles heel, but my goodness it is such a strong instinct. I don't even consider it an Achilles heel cuz it's only triggered when I feel insecure, but historically it's been for good reason. 

I hadn't thought I'd have strong feelings towards anyone again, I'd basically just given up on the idea of love and the irony of fates be mocked, cuz they brought me across someone like you that makes it all feel brand new. Just hate that every second day someone new shows up, or someone says something and I have to bear it and wonder if I'm just naive. I actually just hate it from the bottom of my heart. My one hope is that whoever can figure that out about me, never chooses to exploit that. It's the one thing I have never forgiven and as mature as I can be about everything else, crossing this one line is a deal breaker like no other.

Oh well my darling...to paraphrase a song... I will do anything for Love, but I won't share it with someone else. I woooon't do that. And if I'm reading you correctly, you would never do that either. But I guess noone has to ever worry about that with me, cuz I never have and never will. 

As always, it has to be all in, or nothing at all. Sooner or later, you gotta pick a side.

🙄

Just when I wanted to count how many words per sentence, our man decides to type full sentences like an adult. Always putting random spanners in the works. Sheesh. I just can't catch a break. Hehe.

Hope

... today is a nice peaceful day. Had such a swing state of emotions the last few days that I'm exhausted. Just craving some niceness and coziness and lack of stress. Let me see if there is a quiz night on somewhere, might be fun to go to. Good mental workout.

Naps of wisdom

Nothing like a 40 min snooze to feel nice. I finally ended up saying hello earlier in the day, as soon as I woke up, which was early as hell tbh. Actually missed him. Told him that too, just wrapped as a joke because idk I'm a bit of a dodo like that. But yeah, I did miss. I'm not gonna ask myself why, I'm just gonna go with it. 

I realised while texting today that I actually look forward to getting a message replied to right as I am waking up, or right as work wraps up for him, it's kinda cute as hell. Just enjoy being in bed and seeing that name pop up with a scantily worded message. So gruff all the time, like a grumpy teddy bear. Imma keep count and see how many words average over a sentence from now haha. These stupid tiny things make me smile. 

Wish you'd realise it's time you took a bit more initiative too, little grumpster teddy. I feel like you are a bit scared of me sometimes, although can't imagine why. I'm actually one of the good ones, but yeah trusting that about anyone implicitly is hard. Still, wouldn't kill you to start little by little, I have a feeling you want to, or maybe I'm projecting and it's me who wants to lol.

And I can't stress this enough...You better fucking not prove me wrong. 🤺

Eff it

I'll forgive and let it go.

Can't think of you as a bad person, trusting my intuition on this one. Don't you dare prove me wrong.

Wondering

Why did this one thing hurt me so much? I'm not trying to be distant or mean or trying to ignore but it's legit hurting me. Fuck. Why in the world did it impact me so much? At this point I don't even care if it was truly meant as badly as I took it, just the idea of it stung me no end. Why?

What is it that I'm feeling and why? I'm never this thin skinned. I straight up wanted to cry while listening to that one stupid ass song that made me happy just a week ago. Why? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's not even period time, I checked. :( Ordinarily, I can get over stuff fast enough to atleast be able to articulate them, but I'm finding it so hard to do so rn. A decade ago someone told me they think I have a switch that lets me get over stuff asap. Overnight, I was told. *Eyeroll* Idk if I ever had that switch but today I can't seem to find it lol. It was meant as an insult, a provocation and a challenge at the time I suppose. I didn't fully care then, but does that mean I do now? 

Feels so weird to not be able to have an open conversation about it either. Hoooow do I choose to be in situations like this? Fucking talent. Leaping without thinking seems to be my personal Olympic sport. It's like living in a Kierkegaard book. Just trust without knowing if you should. Atleast give me a reason to, ffs. 

Oh man, I truly don't know what to do. Think I'll have to just cuss a lot until I figure it out. Atleast I'm not the weakling I used to be, so if I do get fucked over, I'll find a way to be alright.  

Raw dogging honesty on this blog. Someday, I'm gonna read it all back and judge myself.

Also screw classical, I'm gonna listen to Tokyo Ghoul soundtrack until I get my head on straight.

Bullet

Is like crack. And I need to quit it ffs. Holy depths of 1 min chess hell, your siren calls to me like a freshly baked french croissant, which  is something I'm craving atm cuz I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING FOR LUNCH LIKE A LUNATIC. 

You know... I lecture others on self care, but if I were to be honest, I'm a nutter myself. 

I want a nice buttery croissant, where can I find it? Swiggs better have some options else I'll just cry. 

Can't stop laughing

A tennis video made me laugh for a good ten mins. Oh man, my sides hurt. I love when people don't take themselves seriously and can have fun and be silly. Imma watch it again, so fucking adorable looool

Finally feeling a little better after that. 

...

You know what...screw it, I think I'm done caring. If someone can instantly choose to paint me as inconsequential in front of people so they can come off as cool or disinterested or whatever that was, then they shouldn't get my mindspace either. 

Funny I thought you were nice. Showed me, huh? Bet if roles were reversed, you'd hate it more than I do if I had said the same thing.

Fuck it. Imma just listen to lots of music tonight, and get up and be alright from tomo. 

Singing

AND I RAAAAN

I RAN SO FAAAR AWAYYYY

I JUST RAAAN, RAN ALL NIGHT AND DAAAY

I COULDN'T GET AWAY! 

but seriously though, I really feel like it lol

And now on to 

CHERI CHERII LADYYY

TO KNOW YOU IS TO LOVE YOU

IF YOU CALL ME BABY

I'LL BE ALWAYS YOURS

Hmmm

I think it's time to have some hard conversations with myself.

Balance

Istg if I didn't have workouts, I'd be going absolutely nuts. The amount of difference it makes in my day is unreal. I moped around so much since morning and now that I feel better half the day seems like a haze. Barely slept last night too, just got up in the middle and played games. Forgot to eat till 4 pm and just had coffee. Tf am I doing? 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am too. I retreat so much the minute my feelings are stung, just immediately go back in my shell and don't engage. Maybe it's better this way though, atleast noone then knows they hurt me. I've always found life to be simpler when I don't have to share how I feel and risk people not giving a fuck. Funny thing is, a bunch of people I know have always prided themselves on having insight into others, and yet not a single one has ever been able to guage how I feel. Even M says she can't tell when I'm offended and she probably knows me best. Am I just that good at hiding? Lol, could be. Lifetime of practice gotta count for something, amirite? :D 

Oh baby, baby I gotta really practice more self care.

Maybe watch some reruns of The Inbetweeners. Hopefully will help break me out of this stupid funk. 

Drenched

Weather sensing my mood and pouring

Djokovic

Respect.🐐

One liners

Another line I heard today sticks out to me tbh. Funny I should think stuff huh? Lol, I never asked for anything, or ever once presumed anything. Was it really necessary to say that to me? I would never try to ridicule someone if they made a mistake, no matter the stakes. Esp something small like that. Being respectful should be the bare minimum, but you can't feel any respect if you can have that as a near instant reaction. Bet there wouldn't be an apology either, doubt it would even register as something wrong. What a joke. 

Idk if people just enjoy being hurtful or what it is, but I feel like I'm always paying some price despite choosing to be nice to them. That's the part that is actually funny. Maybe it's time I stopped. 

RUUUDD

Let's gooooo! 

Petrichor

It's just so nice to see some cold rain sometimes. Even when it foils your plans for a nice outdoor workout haha. I like the smell of hot coffee mingling with the smell of rain, people hurrying about to get to where they want to. Feels peaceful to be the observer.

I wish the world had kinder people, I know it's foolish and naive to wish for something like that when every evidence points to the opposite. But parts of me can't help but wish for it. I used to be an extrovert and I used to genuinely love people. Not for company, but just their character and traits that fascinated me. I viewed them as a palette of colours and it made me so curious to know which shade is dominant in whom and which shades they choose to share with me. I liked the innocence of assuming everyone was fundamentally good. Life has cured me of that level of optimism lol, but I guess I'd atleast settle for halfway decent. How tragic.

Puke

I really need to stop giving people as much leeway as I do. Just cuz you have a bad upbringing doesn't mean you can justify being a piece of shit to everyone else. Yuck.

The Summer of Synth

Ever since I found it, I've loved synthwave. It reminds me of grainy ol Dangerous Dave and Space Jump and spending summers trying to make that one final jump, trying to land that one weird airship on random asteroids.

I heard some video game music today and it just ignited this memory. ♥️ Fighting with bro and friends for my turn on the console and whining lots when they didn't let me hog it. Simple times, possibly some of the best. 

Listening to: Last Train - The Midnight

There is a song, singin' in the dark
Don't get too close, it'll tear you apart
There is a reason for every season of the heart! 

Half in light, half in dark.

Is where start

Half in light, half in dark

Is where we are

Also, how gorgeous were the 80s? The one decade I wish I had lived through. 90s weren't so bad but the 80s just seem so so magical to me. Envy those who did. 

Erotica

I read some erotica yesterday, the quality is so tragic. Sensorials are missing, the element of fantasy reeks of desperation. Is that all it takes to get people off? 

I bet I can do better. Wonder if I can make it seductive without being explicit. Something about desire that's left to the imagination makes it that much more potent imo. Still, need a trail of crumbs to lead the way. Interesting, I think I'll try this out soon. Who should be my muse? Haha hmmmm.

ALCARAZ DJOKO

IS HEREEEEE FAAAK! 

I have a feeling Djoko is gonna show us why he is who he is. Let's goooo!

💃

Woke up so happy and dancy today!! The best part of living alone is you can just dance while making coffee and look ridiculous and LOVE ITTTT! 

Listening to: Femme - Le Couleur 

Tu es parti la baaaaaaass! 

Ruud V Rune

Holy crap what a match this is turning out to be!! Rune holding on and Ruud painting lines!

Gg Ruud, glad to see you back! 

RG QUARTERS ARE HEREEEE!!!

Let's gooooo!! Hope you smoke Djoko, Kachanov! 🙌

Edit: Loool nvm Djoko supremacy yet again. But wooohooo!!

Chess stuff

Losing to the morra just sucks harder than any other opening lmao. Idk why but I want to beat it everytime lolol 🤺

Photographs

I was going through some old pics, especially from school times and I realised I've known so many people who were champs in their profession over the years. A, who is married to K now - quite possibly the biggest brand name in our country today, P - the billiards  prodigy, N with her swimming and D who was top ten in squash. And yet, I always just accepted them as folks on the periphery of my life without giving a fuck about wanting to know them cuz I never felt a connect to them. 

I kinda like how much of a sorted kid I used to be, and how I don't actually have any desire to know anyone unless they pique my interest, a feeling that lasts to this day. Idk if that was part arrogance back then, and my tendency to dismiss everyone that I simply don't find interesting, but I do like that I can look at people directly without filters or intimidation or any lens other than a direct one. Good shit.

Umm

Finally a good night's sleep. Just want to continue lazing around feels so good 

Lust

Long long back, I dated you writer-san. Date might be a strong word, whatever. And you wrote me this:

She lets me sleep more than sleep would have me

She lets me decide when she can’t have me

Her left brain, on the mirror, is like my right

I know, sometimes, what she wants.

But that knowledge, I shall not even whisper in her ears

And when we’d like to meet, we call it ‘catch up’

When we’d like to talk, we term it ’hang out’

And when the sun droops below the line,

That’s when our plans arise far out in the sky

What she wouldn’t know

Is the story of her eyes

Spread broad wide, but not for the world to see

One must have a good pair of eyes

To plunge into her pair of eyes

For otherwise, it’s sheer blindness

And all understanding – a blind spot

She doesn’t know she looks naked

When she covers herself up

Blinking once every two heartbeats

Yet she festoons her eyes with black lines

Like coal dragged over infinite loops

The smudges at the corner of her eyes

Is an index of both pleasure and pain

She lets her hair fall all over the book

As she flips its pages with her lips pressed

Those facades won’t help anymore dear

For there lies a way through every façade

For they wouldn’t be called ‘façade’ otherwise

Look behind you

And you will wish to flip things around

Such that the real comes out and positions itself

In place of the façade

And you will see

How short-lived the façade is

A hand-length deep inside you.

~

Did you hate me? Idk. I don't think you liked me very much though. You did like fucking me, that bit I know. And yet the biggest hard on you ever had, was for yourself. 

~

Funny. Very few times in my life I gave in to just pure lust. Something about being on the edge of the universe and dropping into the abyss was equal parts exciting and scary and enticing. It always made me wonder whether I sink or swim, if that makes sense. And yet I always knew it wasn't you. Your fakeness turned me off. Try as you might, you couldn't hide that from me, could you? Because you always needed an illusion, a delusion.People tend to undersestimate how much I know them, I never understood why.

I've always wondered why the truth scares people off so much, can you really not face your real selves? Always craving validation and the reassurance of other people's acceptance, wanting the mirror to show you an ideal. Pathetic. 

For once I'd like to meet my match, one that can play off of my instincts like a sine wave turned erratic. I like those magnetic pulls, ones that beg you to resolve the tension. I hardly ever feel them but when I do, I find them so hard to resist. Maybe it's just as well. 

My dear elusive lover, cheers to the day we do meet. And promise me that when we do... you'll look me in the eye, and see every tiny lil thing you make me feel. 

Made a new friend

It's so lovely when you randomly meet someone cool. She's pretty awesome, aaand I learnt about the environmental impact space from her. Idk why I tend to meet a lot more investment analysts over the last few years, but really fun to learn about the newer spaces that are coming up. Plus love it when women are leaders in it. Good shit!

:(

Breaks my heart to see that rubbish, hope it sorts itself out soon. Why do shitty things happen to nice people? 

Wtf

Like seriously wtf. 

G'day

The kind of cards they should make

Guilty only... of growing old

Along comes a song which combines my love of driving and nighttime. Hard to find lyrics I like in the newer songs but I have a thing for these simply cuz they're so slip and slide.

We're random bullets love 🎶

~

Outside it's nighttime and you're mine again
Red lights and thick frost are clothing all the land
Your breath draws a cloud on the window of our car
Our eyes exhausted, still begging for more
Engraved in wildness, have we gone too far?
Somewhere four wheels unwind the roar of their power
This road is a snake skin, glittering and bald
Like a reptile, that gash the frozen soil
The world is not ours
But faster than the rain
We cut the night
We're random bullets, love
Shot by some drunken god
Guilty only, of growing old
Hours like fires, burning our beliefs
Soon the sun will rise up and sew us in its dreams
Forgetting that we're sailors, without wind in our sails
Twins by the heartbeat until the morning brakes
Dismissed in dizziness, and begging for more
Have we ever noticed that nothing last for ever?
Faces toward the sky, 'cause the unknown is sublime
Printing every hour in polaroids of mine
The world is not ours
But faster than the rain
We cut the night
We're random bullets, love
Shot by some drunken god
Oh guilty only, oh guilty only
Of growing old, of growing old
Of growing old, of growing old
Of growing old
Hours like fires, burning our beliefs
Truth is right there baby, even if we bleed
Night roads are coal coats on the muscles
Of the world, leading us to nowhere
'Cause nowhere is our home
Nowhere is our home
Oh guilty only, of growing old
We're random bullets, love
The world is not ours
But faster than the rain
We cut the night
We're random bullets, love
The world is not ours
But faster than the rain
We cut the night 

~

Pics from an old grainy driving video and a random day I just took off cuz the day looked lovely. Something about skies with rolling clouds is 💋

Listen

Kierkegaard is a total genius and Nietzsche is an arrogant twat. Noone will convince me otherwise.

TIL

Eggs explode if you put them for boiling and forget about it. Fml

Tattoos

Been so many years since I got mine. The ink is bleeding and it has some weird smudgy stuff going on. The crown looks like an M until you look closely. Of all my impulsive decisions, this one has had me the most conflicted.

Dandelions

Everytime Canon in D comes on, I picture the dandelion. I forget when I blogged about it, maybe it was 2016. My one experience with shrooms. Still feel the same way about them.

Symmetry, Complexity, Stillness, Observation, Light.

Planks

Held my longest one yet and also discovered something while I was at it. 

Shouldn't do one without a bra cuz it feels so  weird and like the centre of gravity slightly shifts.

Stupid boobs. Okay not stupid, I like them lots but wtf is thaaaat?! 🙎‍♀️