Fam dynamics can be so weird. Growing up I used to despise it and avoid it. Older me kinda gets why things went the way they did. 

It's T's bday today. She is my baby cousin, but she hasn't really kept in touch with any of us and it's fine. I mentioned it to mummy and instantly dad got up to go send her a bday message. And that just felt so betrayal like. The instantaneousness of it was repulsive. Esp since I know that cousin wasn't even decent to my brother trying to build a connection. 

I guess over the years their family has never once done anything or asked about us ever. Not once. Not counting how shitty granny was to mother. So this thing dad does to be nice to them really gets on everyone's nerves. Like just be loyal to people who stuck by your side not random folks who have never done a thing for you or cared about you in the least. 

I guess that's what irritates, esp with men who don't understand where their loyalties need to lie or why. Just so annoying when men are this way, honestly. I can't stand it. What a sad thing that I now understand this. 

~

The idea of disrespect and disloyalty is so abhorrent to me. Even with M, the decision I made to cut off was so instant purely cuz I was sick of the disrespect. In retrospect, I should have walked away much, much sooner... I put up with a lot of nonsense. That's on me. And the idea of like someone flaunting some woman, that desperation to flaunt ooo I spoke to XYZ was so repulsive to me. Man. I can't even imagine going gaga over some dude and have my tongue hanging out slobbering over someone like that. Fuck that shit. It is not okay in the least. Complete dealbreaker. I can't imagine a universe where I would ever talk about a random dude like that or hurt someone's pride like that.  

Whatever. If you can't be nice, feel free to fuck off. It's just that simple, and I will stand by that forever. I will never want anyone who does that anyway. I feel like all my love for someone just dies once that kinda line is crossed. M is catching strays here but yeah lol. Fuck him also for not knowing how to keep people with respect. How can a person not know these basics till such an age, it's shameful. 

I have seen good men all my life, and this one disloyal trait is something I shall never ever everrrrrr cater to. Like just no thank you. Loyalty is not just important, it's such a fundamental pillar. And that has to come from within, like it's easy to be nice to randoms cuz you don't really know them, but with people who are on your side how tf do you just betray them like that? Fuck you all boss. Seriously. 🙄

Fonsu Ruud is sooooo fun! I love Fonseca, but I do feel Ruud deserves a shot at RG lol. Omfgggg. Haha, such split loyalties.

Ruud is a fantastic clay courter and so very polite too. Dammit hahaha. I cannot. These two sets have been peak tennis. I honestly think Djoko should retire and let all the new ones take over now. You don't at the back of your mind think hey this old dude might hurt himself. 

I have loved, loved, looooved this RG. Clay courts man. Just. 🤌🏼

~

We are in June already zomg. 

~

Baby FedEx did it omg. Finally the big names. How I hope he shapes up to be the player to watch against sincaraz. 

Suddenly a lot of NPD content is coming up on my yt feed lol. Like something ghoulish it just shows up as a warning lest I forget. Haha. Well, I would not. 

~

First time in my life I don't like someone. It's been a while since I did too tbh. I guess dealing with shitty people does leave you not wanting to have anything to do with stuff like that. What to do. 

~

Running just 23 mins feels so not good. Weird. I don't feel like I worked out at all. Stupid rain. 

I wanna do a 20km run sometime soon. Maybe at that park. Hmmm. 2.2 km track. Have to run like a hamster ten times lol. 🐹 🎡 

~

Omg when is Fonsu Ruud gonna start? Fonsu looks so much like FedEx I cannot even root against him ever, he is just sooooo cute. Like a total baby. 

~

Wow, someone putting in an advisory for snakes due to rains in the apartment chat today. Crazy to see today right as I woke up in the morning after dreaming about it. Some coincidences are fascinating. 

~

This IPL match is getting on my nerves lol. Mum liking it but maaaaan. This is not even cricket 😭. Never did I think I'll be the one being a purist about cricket lol. 

~

I want a ring lol. Stupid ads on insta enticing me. One ring to rule me all 😤

Oh man. Today is going to be such a good day of tennis! And a long day of tennis too. Looking forward to it. 

~

This has been a tiring week. I'm so not used to having so many folks around. It can be a bit overwhelming. But still, it's nice to meet family. 

I haven't worked out all that much this week and it feels sluggish. Listening to Magnus talk about memory issues felt so weird ngl. I've always had a very good memory and the idea of forgetting things that are imp is weird to me. Whew. Crazy. Saw someone describe him as juicy now lmao. What an ass comment, but yeah, he does seem a bit chonky now. Living the good viking life. 

~

I want a day off just by myself to recharge lol. And sleep in and not have to wake up at any time but the one I want. The simple pleasures of life. 

I feel blah.

Yeah so that dream was a bit fucked up. Lol. Full of symbolisms? 🤣 It was one of those low slung one storey bungalows I grew up in, a nice front and back yard. Green, but a lot more surrounded by houses than I recall. I was talking about how sunny and shady the backyard was and M was there having coffee and she goes oh there's a dead snake there. 

Idk why but that's just so fucked up. What does my subconscious even see her as now yo? Tres bien!

Dad and mum both being here this time around is nice. For once there isn't any fighting and meanness and people are getting along. 

It is crazy to me lol. But in a good way. Dad looks so much older now. Something about people getting older really gets to me. Idk man. Weird stuff. 

~>

The thing I'm understanding more and more now, esp in the last few years is that people who care always come through, and people who don't never come through. I guess when they show you their cards and how they treat you is who they are, and I should absolutely have accepted that the first time around. I won't make that mistake again. 

Watching a 2100 just missing all attacking chances made me gnash my teeth sheesh. What even was that. 

Why are mistakes so easy to spot when it's spectating? Weird asf that feels. 

I miss Sadler playing on lichess. You just knew there's pure art you are witnessing.

~

It's interesting to see the slight difference in plans and how they play out at those ratings though. Like I suppose the differences seem very minute to a higher level player but between similar strength it's easier to spot. Marginal gains huh. Just keep chipping at it. 

~

From hailstones to heat. I wanna go out but the idea of facing so much heat is so 😱. Oh nvm now it's rainy. Weather change is unreal these days. This city used to be so perfect. Whatever happened?

30th May

Everytime I see something sweet. No matter how my day has been, my mind just goes to that one place. And I love it soooo much like. I do not have words to describe how deeply I feel certain things, and how deeply I care about them. Heh. This tiny little dream of mine. How I cherish you with all my might. 

Secret garden was a book I loved, when I grew up... I realised how many things in it were racist, and that tainted it so. But the core of it still stayed within me. To just keep something safe and nurture it. It's the core part of me that seeks expression always. I hope it never fades away or gets mucky. I really do. Nothing is ever pristine, but that doesn't mean we don't try. Always been the motto. 

Ugh. Should I buy it for myself? 🤔 

Found a couple of rings I find super pretty rn. Even though I know I won't exactly wear it all the time. 

Dilemmas! 

~

Fuck this. I could have one against that 2100 i really should have. Loving playing while seeing djoko rn. M's anxiety over him is sometimes very overwhelming.  Nevertheless man. What a champion dude. Noone should be anything less than flattered asf to be compared to him. Truly. I wish he gets this over the line, I really do. But either way, what a champion mentality. To stick it out when he is so completely tired. Just a couple of years ago he would have won this in three. That's nuts. I like Fonsu lots but producing this level against him even now is just beautiful. I love this match. 

~

Wow, that was something else. Tennis is the best flipping sport in the world. ♥️

Everytime I see this swashbuckler he is losing that game like wtf. 🙄 Come onnnnn. 

~

Nvm I also lost more lol. Pathetic. 🎉🎻🎻🎻🎻

~

Imma see Jodar play today let's see how he is. Heh. I bet a certain someone would have seen him a year ago only. 

~

Wow hailstones pelted me lmaooooo. Noice. Fuckers are sooo hard haha. 

~

Oh my Jodar is nice to see. Good going. I like michelsen too tbh. He looks like Anisimova's brother. Lol, long extended bathroom break. 

I really want some nice younglings to rise up. Need a kickass bunch of competitors. Wish it happens. Also another Rafa man. Oof. Don't 🥺

Why is their kit the same though lol I can't tell who is who. Crazyyyyy

 PINNED PAWNS. OMG. 

These effing noob mistakes I deserve to be 1700 only complete waste. Complete. Sheesh. Pathetic asf. 

I wonder how many words it's been. It's crazy, I never knew someday I'll venture out into a completely new arena. Well, atleast it's fun and I enjoy it. That's all we can do really, spend our time on things we find meaningful.

~

I knew sinner will gtfo this year. For once I'm relieved. That fucking 25. Just one more man. I really hope it happens. I want this ajja to limp his way to victory if he must but just that one fucking time he should get there man. One last hurrah for the old gen. 

I was feeling cheerful and then I realised it's cuz it's the last day of periods and I'm back to the mean. Lmao. 

World feels so nice and happy. Like the sun is shining et al.  Heh. I wish to see a good week of tennis, actually I wish to go to RG itself. Hmmm. I really should plan sometime. Would love to be there. 

I wanna have some fun!!!!

~

There's ALWAYS INTERIM MOVES. PAWNS CAN MOVE FORWARD. 

I am not happy again stupid chess ugh. Gotta streak my way to 2200!!!!

~

Lmc if this guy is playing get some inspo. 

Nvm he also lost the one game I saw. Stupid chess. 

Okay 2020. Needs to be 2220. Just a matter of a missing 200 points. Childs play. 😌

Ugh. But seriously though... A tiny bit of thinking goes a long way. Fairly certain I can at the very least close this gap. And I think this part of the journey might be more enjoyable too, given there would be actual thinking involved. I am low key excited by this. 🎉 I also know I won't be happy no matter what rating tbh. If it's 2200, I'll get used to it then wonder how to get to 23 and 24. Oh well. I suppose that's not a bad way to be. Let's see how it goes. I really do feel 24 is the decent end of non titled play, like for a noob that's respectable. 

~

Royer is trying yet not able to do much. Interesting. How fit is Djoko even? I feel like fitness levels have gone up overall in older folks now. Or who knows... Maybe the newbs are just blah. 

Djoko. I saw him in my dream. Lol. Of all the weird things. Arguing with him about something. And then ... Omg. I dreamt about this boy and for some reason he was sucking at chess and needled him by saying sheesh at this rate my rating will catch up 🤣🤣🤣. Omg talk about putting hand in lion's mouth. Hahaha. Fuck, I can just imagine the dam it triggers in him if some noob says that to him, just sheer waves of hate. Oh boy. Who knows maybe that'll inspire him to get that 28 and stay there. Might be just the push. Funny he hates djoko when he himself also likes to perform to shut the haters up. Interesting. And likes dancing. And languages. Ahahahahhaa omggggg. This would deffo be more triggering. You are more like djoko than FedEx.  

Oh baby! How I wish I could say this. Just 💀💀💀🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

Petty spiteful shit like this gives me joy at times. You know. Like just irritating someone cuz they've annoyed you. Mwah! 🙂💋

Being woken up from a strange dream is a very surreal experience. It's just so weird when you feel like you were in a diff reality altogether. These days if something wakes me up before I'm done sleeping I get a mild headache. And for some reason I was completely engrossed in a thing I can't even remember atm. 

Meddy never ceases to disappoint..never. just. Why. Ugh. What a washout.

Finished work, ran errands, rained beautifully, came back for coffee and match and boom. Meddy doing his thing. Ugh. 

~

Heyyy I'm back to 2000 rapid. Well, that wasn't even tough..something is weird here... Idk how I slid down to 1800 and idk why this climb didn't feel tough either. Strange asf. 

~

I wish to see summit of the gods. And I wish to be 21 hundo. Actually 22. Ugh. I WANNNNTTTTT

 The second game I played was SO FUN! OOOF. omg I love sharp and complex positions so damn good it feels. 

There's something about beating someone higher rated that just gives such a thrill. Like just get dug in and try to outmanoeuvre feels sooooooooooo adrenaline inducing. 

Mama, mia! 

~

Omg this game against Oleg even better ooof. Felt so GOOD. 🤌🏼

Feels like flying too close to the sun ngl. Wingsss

 There was always this dialogue in my mind, said half jestfully, to a nebulous entity I wished to love deeply.

 "How much do I love you? Too much."

 I wished to contain the truth and my fear in one statement. Loving someone brings me joy, it also brings me the fear of not being loved. In that paradox I lived half my life, but I shall not do that for the second half. I suppose I wish to love you just enough, but only reach that point side by side. Toil and trouble it may be, but who cares, amiright?

~

Reading Master and Margherita brings me back to this thought. 

The idea of the devil seems so merciful in this. But the part about Yeshua and Pontius Pilate really captured me. 

~

Well, I guess I wish to love you just enough. And I wish for you to love me too much. Hehe. But love should be a privilege not a curse, I would not wish for you to be burdened. So, I suppose I hope you love me just enough too. 

Maybe the truth of life is simply honouring that which feels divine. 

You know what. Everytime some life event comes by, it feels like I'm adrift in the midst of it and then somehow I feel a pull to go back to the mean. There are certain things I wish to be consistent about. And I miss them when they aren't there. Like even chess. I don't like when I'm not into it. Gotta streak a bit. 

~

Today was a good day overall though. I'd like to be more productive but yeah. Not too shabby. Feels nice. 

~

Periods are late this time and I'm wanting salty chips and missing someone haha. Fucking hormones. I don't wanna go to the doc either 😔😅. I'm sure it's the heat and running and general exhaustion causing it. 

~

Women's tennis sometimes disappoints me so much. Looking at anisimova starting out so sluggish against a non seed is just tragic. Just why

~

Finally playing a little better. Feels nice ngl. I guess I can call it a night now. 

~

Slam season finally here, whew! Djoko looking in good spirits too. Just one more man, please.

~

I am legit excited. My shipping tube also coming along. This week will be so nice!

Omg painkillers are a nightmare, I feel so groggy and sleepy even now. Very sluggish. 

Had a fitful dream too. Sitting in a wooden cafe and someone was there trying to show off a lot. It was so weird. I felt like I was stuck between two choices again. 💀 

You know when you are on a high mountain with a sheer drop and a sensation of wanting to leap takes over? Kinda like that, but way more uneasy. Hmmm. I do not like uneasy dreams. stupid pill.

Something is sharply different in my mindset these days. There's a sense of not caring for outcomes that has solidified in a way I wasn't expecting. And it's nice, cuz it feels as if I'm finally free of any burdens I was putting on myself. Heh. Free of self imposed limits. That feels nice ngl. I suppose I'd like to change some courses and I'm looking forward to it. Goody

~

Reading Pascal's wager and I have a fundamental issue with the 2x2 he is postulating. The idea of a god that punishes you for not believing in them is at odds with the idea of devotion in general to me. It's interesting how the eastern values kinda run after spirituality, and the concept of freedom from birth cycles. It's antithetical to the idea of god being the supreme virtue that can bless you to see them simultaneously as someone to fear. Weird, huh? 

Bdays in yellow

 No sleep at night but this is so cute

Damn she is 60 today. 😱 Happy bdays 

Wow Howell has played all day. Like all lol. I love bullet benders so much. 🥺

3153 is insane. I think he wants that numero uno spot hahah. Good going! 

~>

A nice hot shower with nice smelling shampoo after a long sweaty run feels divine. Getting into a freshly made bed in cotton clothes is cherry on top. No matter how good or bad the day, just this moment feels so luxuriously beautiful to me. 3 Cheers for citrusy smells that are currently making me sneeze. 

~

Welp. 4 Am and I am awake still hehe...ofc. juuust what I needed. 💀Zombie days

Omg cooking food everyday is such a task. 😩 

Sometimes I remember M while cooking. Esp today since mum brought over mangoes from the other town. How it must be to not eat anything but the same few things forever. I honestly appreciate how much M can stick to his diet man. Real endurance ngl. Weirdly enough, and I'll never tell him this... But he did bring a lot of positives in life. Like... I suppose some folks can be a catalyst for a good change and he was that for me. That's nice. Hate him lots but also love him lil bit. Maybe not love just like a tiny bit. Hmmm. Hehe, now I wanna recant cuz 😤

~ 

May is so full of bdays! Gotta get cake for mum tomo, aks bday is today. Errone born in this month 😩. Aks bday also today, oh crap djoko too lmao. All assholes born on the samezies days. 😁

~

I'm fuckign stuck at 1873 like an ancient being like whY the hell what's even wrong with me. Gah! Hate it!!! Need to go run but instead I'm stuck here doing this bullshit.

My eyes are barely opening zomg.

~

Last night, I finally got fed up and mentioned to M that she crossed lines with me. It's interesting that she didn't apologise but just said she considers it banter and won't do it again if I don't like it. 

Heh. Funny thing is I haven't actually mentioned any of the bigger stuff, but also like ... I'm tired of immaturity. I'd rather just not. It's interesting, I've often noticed how much she sees herself as a victim in all scenarios so I definitely half expect her to flip the script, but it would be nice if it leads to some positive change for once. Yeah, it's a lot better to air out grievances than just keep it inside and let the resentment build up. So let's see. Chips will fall where they may. 

I honestly never realised how dysfunctional people can be. Growing up in bad houses really does a number on them. Insane. Well. What to do. 

~

I'm excited to send over the painting though. I'm so happy with how it turned out. Can't wait for my brother to get it! Woohoo! 

~

Omg why am I sucking at chess chi yuck wtf 🤢 🤮 zomg such low level 1800 eww.

~

And I miss that fellow also ugh. Like a boomerang I zoom back 🤣. Atleast somewhere I always remember.

~

Omg djokos draw is BRUTAL. Good lord. I wonder if he makes it past Fonseca. Although iirc he was injured so who knows. Perricard is also good lol. Oops, total oops. What a cliffhanger this is, can basically gtfo at any point. That man really always has to work for it.

Even in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, I do at the end of the day miss a person that's special to me. Inevitably. That's kinda nice, or atleast I hope it is. 

I wanna listen to fleetwood mac. Stevie nicks is soooo nice. Love that voice so much

Life gets hectic when mum visits. And dad is arriving today too. I have soooo much to do before they arrive here. Being busy is nice though, can't tell where the time went. 

I'm looking forward to a nice couple of weeks with parents. Idk what to get mum for her bday though. Haha no saris she told all of us. 

She was missing brother soooo much. Been a while since we saw him. :(. Sucks dude. 

Decisions, decisions! 

~

It's so cold and nice I'm having a hard time getting out of bed rn. Eyes are closing back. 

~

I love opening reddit to see people pontificating about others. Why is Guccireza not performing well? Lol. Complete crap. I wonder how they even know how he is. And Alcaraz sitting out wimby. Sinner might as well do that too and we can finally see who else has a shot. So bored of these two already lol. Need more competition!

Artsy partsy

 This was fun to make! Stupid wrong perspective got it's face a bit off. Wish I had checked it twice ugh. So annoying. Imperfections bother me so much 

A good night's sleep does wonders. It's such a nice feeling. Even though it's a Monday. Even though I don't really hate Mondays. 

~

It's raining too. Oh so nice. I have missed you rains! The heat was so crazy my phone battery was not charging properly. Wild. 

~

Loving the sound of rain. Trust a hot summer to make you finally understand the beauty of rain. And there's some thunder. Roar!

~

Stupid Tame Impala song is stuck in my head now eww. Insta reels are the worst. 🙄

~ I want my 2k back. 😡

Quiz and Paint

Omg won a quiz after sooooo long. Dayum. Feels so good. 💪🏼

~

And painted bottles omg that was such fun haha

Lemons and cats lmao. I'm happy though, M's cats look super duper cute

Waking up in this other side of town is such a drag. I have to travel all the way back. It's so hot and stifling in this side of town too. 

~

It was kinda pleasant today. M seemed cheerful atleast. Hope she had a good birthday. 

~

I am soooo hungry rn I want some nice hot idli lol. Funny, I rarely eat breakfast but I'm craving it today. Or just a bottle of cooooold water. Oof. Yeah, water it is! 

~

It's nice to wake up and laze around reading. Feels like a nice Saturday. Too bad I'll ruin it by losing at chess. 😁

 Wrapping gifts just feels nice. Something about a corner well tucked is very gratifying. 

 Aaaaaa fucking stupid irritating game ugh. 

What a strange dream. Small meg was there setting her table, I met her out of the blue. Wanted to avoid some gathering, we chilled after a long time. Haven't met her in yeeears. How wut. It was pleasant just so weird to think of someone I knew so long ago. Dreams can feel so disorienting. 

~

I've never had as much trouble with guys as I have with women friends lmao. People always say it's the opposite but dudes have been nice mostly. It's just the lady friends that have been a bit nuts haha. So controlling a lot of them were. Harumpf. 

~

Why do so many people I know have M as their initial lol. Jeez. 

Canon

Watching Boston Legal and contemplating whether or not to read David Sedaris and that stupid canon in d comes on the show and I feel soooo moved. That song is just so beautiful to me my god. I can't believe I'd gone half my life without ever hearing it before. It's like someone just captured the sound of my heart and I never even knew it. Sappy as that sounds, it's so true. An obligatory oi vey. 

I wonder how many more songs are out there that I haven't fully loved. 

~

Autumn Leaves

We don't wrap gifts enough these days. I wish to this time. With like ribbons and all lol. Idk why I'm so excited. I guess I love giving gifts. 

"What's your love language? 

Me: "ALL of them! "

~

Cannonball Adderley today. Yum. I love him so much! It's hard to multitask when he plays though, that's a shame. 

His tracks are soooooo teasy oof. 

First time experiencing legs feeling like lead. Interesting. Was a total drag, going along the last mile. Oof. I don't want a day off but damn recovery time was so less earlier. Haha. Whatever. Tis what tis. 

~

Feel a bit bored too. With everything. Meh.

~

A good song at midnight always hits right. Esp if it's a slow jazzy song. Funny, I never liked blues before either but ever so slowly...

~

Yet again can't sleep and it's soooo late. What do I do? It's weird but being tired sometimes delays sleep what do I do?

As I sit here working, I feel my stomach grumbling. SO HUNGRY. forgot to order food too lol. Damn. 

~

It's nice being busy. But it would be nicer if I wasn't hungry. 💀

~

Wow someone just commented their insta on a 3 yo post of mine that I'd forgotten exists. Crazy. Atleast I can revisit the music from that time. Silver linings. 

Oh wow, saw another thread about M with people saying shitty things. Wonderful. Sits there and begs for money it seems. 💀💀 / Doesn't improve. Sheesh. Dunno what's worse, that or comparison to rosen. Brother. Ouch. 

Mondays, huh?

~

Azul finally reaches tomo... I hope it makes for a nice gift. I haven't played it myself. Here's wishing. 🤞🏼

~

Cumby fighting with a cyclist is just peak humor lol. You're deluded, you're lying hahahah . My kinda celeb squabbles... Obligatory stupid cyclists.

Doomscrolling

Funniest thing I've seen today lmaooooo.

https://youtu.be/Cjij2jWActw?si=DhKJgEBIVlJT2dN7

Hahahaha. I need to keep this for future reference. Weirdly enough, 21 yo rhett is the exact kinda goofy dude I'd fall for when I was 21 too 🙈. Guys who could make me laugh were just my kryptonite. 

Fuck, haven't laughed at a video so much in soooo long! 

Every body wants to be a backstreet boy lmaooloool hahaha fuck me that is just 🤌🏼

Traffic sounds on a Sunday morning are super annoying. Just where are all these people going? Ffs.

~

Bought a darymple as a gift, hope she likes it. I found it super disappointing to know that whatever else she read she didn't even understand. 💀 Hopefully this one isn't the same. Sheesh. 

~

I see I tanked a lot of rating playing while distracted yesterday ugh. Now again gotta get it back. Yuckky being 1800 🤢 

~

Lol, I see the tag. I've had 3 bdays since then... Hmmm. Anyway.

Meh. Let me curl up with a book for a bit. 

Drinking and then playing in the cab. And it's so fun tbh. Why do all social gatherings revolve around drinking? Sheesh. But idc tonight. I'm having fun. And I... Ugh. I spend time with all these folks and maybe it's the alcohol a little bit but I don't like it as much as I would have years ago. I mean..like I'm having fun it's not like I'm not. But I suppose my heart is simply not fully in it. It's great, people are nice, it's all good but it's just not it. Weird, huh? I feel like I just miss something. Idk man. 

~

Maybe I should read some darymple. Make myself feel like I'm lost in some ages past. 

~

Ugh..i legit don't like drinking no more even with a couple i feel sickish. Yukky. Ughughugh. I don't like this at all rn. :( ugh. Rn I'm missing that stupid fellow who told me not to drink also. Ugh. Like I hate anyone telling me what to do but when he did I didn't feel all that rebellious and kinda like I wanted to listen. Ugh. I feel puky rn omg. Ugh yukky. Oh no. I feel sick. And ugh. I feel more more sick 🤢. Freshly laundered sheets smell good and make me feel less puky rn. 

Chess is weird. Some days it feels so easy and idk if it's cuz others are sucking or if you are in a flow. The games I lost today were simply playing fast, and missing obvious blunders. Doing puzzles put me in the calculation mindset and that helped even though I missed hanging pieces. 

I fucking hate this game as much as I love it. But a part of me genuinely wants to be good at it. Idk, the thrill of a challenge is soooo enticing. I love it. I love it so damn much. 

~

Heh. I see this fellow losing to someone random. Why. Hehe, him losing irritates me more than me tbh. But a tiny bit of fuck youuuuu also sneaks up on me haha. Not a lot, just a smidge. Hehe. Sigh. Fuck it. It's a nice day outside I should go down for a bit. 

 Okay I hate the new app i hate it. Can't play on it at all it's soo weird. 🥺😔

A 3.30 marathon would be cool ngl. The amount of work it'll require though. 💀

~

Aaaand I see Rachel Entrekin doing the crazy holy cow. Endurance sports are unfuckingreal! I admire athletes so damn much, truly.

~

If I go out tonight, it'll ruin my sleep again zomg. And yet it's pleasant outside and I wanna. Ai yai. Okay a short run. I really wish new apartments werent popping up here, it's becoming too mainstream. It was really nice when it felt like the outskirts, now I always find someone or the other on the street chugging along too hehe. Oh well. Okay let's goooooo.

~

Whew. This feels nice. Ran for 40 mins, met a dog, saw a cute guy, ran past him like I didn't see him and now I'm home and I'm stinky. Like a good girl imma take a nice shower and watch a show and pray I can wake up on time tomo. 

Oh no I have to do stretching also aaaaa. I hate stretching why why whyyyyy do I have tooooo. Ugh. Gotta get up again. Ugh ugh ugh. 

You betcha betcha

Two things that sound wonderful. The dog upstairs walking around with the pitter patter of his feet, and the sound of rain falling outside. Ofcourse, some days I think its rain only to find that stupid pigeon perching on the chimney and tapping at it 💀 

~ 

Trying to mitigate pms this evening with boston legal reruns because why not.  It's such a fun show, the 2000s had some of the nicest shows on telly. I should watch freaks and geeks too, I loved that so much! Just wanna cuddle something, eat something chocolatey and hope the cramps don't get worse. Hehe. Monthly issues. I would love to be next to someone watching this today tbh. It's so nice to snuggle sometimes. Even a dog would do rn hahah. I should make friends with the upstairs neighbour so I can dog sit or something lol. Oh but cleaning poop eww yukky. Hmmm. I need to find a guy as senti as me lol. I want some babying rn. 💁🏼‍♀️🤺 I suppose I want someone I can rely on now... There was a time I wanted 3 kids also lol. Before I knew what labor looks like 💀.  I feel like if you love someone then a child is a very lovely way to create something that's a part of both of you. But the idea of pregnancy scares the fuck out of me ngl. Life is such a gamble, isn't it? For some folks atleast. The couples who are in love I think got it right. That's nice. I'm really happy about that. It makes my heart easy to see that tbh. So basically dogs and kids and someone to cuddle haha. And throw in some chocolate cake during pms ooohh la la. Yumzies. 

~

Trifonov - Jesu, joy of man's desiring

Trifonov is not overrated at all! Piano, I love you. Le beauty of Bach! 

A lifetime would not be enough to study music. How does one study infinity anyway? All I can do is marvel at it. 

~

I was reading Pascal's wager and in all the rationality, I couldn't help but think why don't you speak of music, it connects to something divine without trying. I raise thee all of music Pascal san, and I dare you to be rational in the face of it. 

Idk if the irritation I'm feeling is just pms or something else but Jesus I'm soooo irritable. Good lord I'll be like those insta losers who say running for mental health soon 🙄🙄. So fucking lame. Hot, annoyed and thirsty asf. 

~

Lmao howell is grinding bullet now haha. Fuck. Ok this cheers me up. I just really love that level of degen gaming hahah fuck. Fucking therapeutic. Good stuff. 27 to 3k is an INSANE skill difference. I can't even imagine how sharp someone at 3k must be. Getting just 3 points for wins too. Unreal. 

~

I need a shower 😤🙄

Cold and rainy again oh hell yeah! Fuck I am so goddamn happy rn!

Ugh. Almost walked into a child while typing this lmao. Careful!!

~

Damn now I finally, FINALLY feel like working out a bit. Oof. Oh god I love this weather soooo much! It's so pretty!!

~

Found a really nice chess series after so long. Wow, its legit so eye opening. Heh. Maybe I'll finally learn something. I am struck by how fantastic it is. Beautiful. 

Sinner is on such a solid streak. I like him so much. Was funny to see people thinking zverev would get him lol. No chance. Wish there were a few more players who could though .

~

And I have so much running around to do today yucks. I despise mindless errands so much lol. But what to do. One has to get em doneeee. I am excited for this month, I think I'll be able to finish a bunch of stuff. That's cool. Finally huh. 

Gooey

It's funny when you look at someone with affection, and everything about them seems so endearing. Maybe I'm a senti sap but I really feel so gooey and nice when I notice tiny things about someone. I recall what a colossal grumps this guy used to be and I just found it soooooo amusing and endearing like he just goes through life frowning half the time. Hahah. Omg. I would just MELT for you. And I always wanted to joke around and mess about lots cuz idk ... I guess in my own way I wanted to just pull you out of that perpetual funk and be happy. Heh. I adored you man. Oh well. Oops. 

2nd May already ugh. Wut is happening. Lying in bed playing poozles feels great ngl. It's hot outside and I don't want to even step foot in the sun, but right here right now is just so nice. 

This week has been peaceful in a strangely hectic way. Felt like a break from everything tbh. Sometimes it takes just a small catalyst to turn a corner. I've always believed that, it's nice to see it play out once in a while. Back to poozles, can I make it to 2200? I think I can if I think and play. What a challenge. 💀

~

I wanna watch some movie 🍿. Hail mary was great but there's nothing else exciting on. Meh. I don't wanna drink either. Wut to dooooo. Maybe I should sleep early and go for an early morning drive. That might be nice. 

~

Do I miss people when my periods are drawing close? 😂🤔

Feels a lil bit like that rn. Ugh. Oi vey indeed, how to banish from thoughts? 

~

Poozles were fun I actually calculated stuff for once and only lost those I didn't hehe. That's progress. Of some sort. Maybe. 

~

Stupid new lichess app, I don't want to play on it :(

Ugh. It sucks. Stupid upgrading of things. 

*Pouting*

Everything is stupid. 

~

Took a break after a long time, it feels surreal also lol. Weird, huh? Haven't even seen games just poozles today. I didn't miss it for once. Wow. Stunning. Haha, I say this rn and I'll find myself in a pile of degen gaming at 3 am some night. 

I feel so unmotivated rn tho. Someone dangle a carrot for me pls.