The other day for a brief moment I thought about AK and then immediately my mind was like no no no, eww. Lol. Like I can't even seem to entertain nostalgia about anyone anymore when I know they don't belong to me. It's like something just gets cut off from the roots in a sense. I respect that they have their own life now and that I don't ever want to be like those yukky people that covets a person that isn't mine. Felt v disrespectful as well as overstepping. I don't know who I hold these principles for even, just myself I guess. I know that I want my cocoon to be just as pristine and filled with completeness. 

In the same vein, I know that maybe some of my values are extremely old fashioned, just like my fav drink. But I don't want to ever dilute them. I think by far out of all people I know, I'm the only one that has stuck by this as much as I have. Even M, who I love lots... She still had that weird thing with her ex after he got married for years. I never judged her for it, or even consciously thought about it. Only the other day when she phrased something about J that I found hurtful did my mind even go there. But now when I do, I'm like ummm yeah I would never have. Nor would I have liked someone who does that to his wife. It's so icky. I've learnt not to judge other peoples' choices anymore. But they don't have to be the same as mine, I guess both can coexist. Guess maturity is another term for accepting grays. I've never really cared for it lol. 

Somedays I feel v underappreciated. It doesn't get to me often but I think one of the things that matters to me a lot is knowing that people in my life appreciate all that I do for them and kinda show me that in words and actions. Probably why I fear lack of emotional fulfilment also the most. It's a horrid feeling for me when I know that I don't actively ask people to do anything for me, and then they don't even do the smallest gesture to show appreciation. Those are the times when I've understood why a lot of women cheat too, it's like you just want to be shown care or niceness and prolonged periods without that makes you feel unloved. So attention from someone else feels like you get what you've been craving for a long time. I suppose it's hard for me to word these things too, like it feels cringe asf to ask for this stuff, I always feel like people close to you should know how to make you feel good. But overall, my fear of not being loved has more or less gone and is now replaced by a " if you don't care, please leave idc" lol. I understood at a very core level that neither is the fear productive, nor does it have anything to do with reality and letting it control me was only a hindrance. Plus who wants to hold on to someone that doesn't care? Not me. Glad it's done with. The best equations are always mutually emotionally fulfilling and structurally sound imo. 

Long back I remember how much disdain the other M had for the word queen. Lol. I was surprised because I never took it to be anything other than just being affectionate towards someone, but in his mind it's like holding someone above you and being at their mercy or something. I never viewed it like that, for me it was like heyyy you are imp to me so I wanna half jokingly establish that by being nice so you know I care... Like in that kinda vein. But it's interesting how life experiences colour our perspectives. When you feel safe and happy I feel like these words never make you feel less or depleted in the context of the other person, but just a way to bond and be romantic. But if the other person is a turd then yes, it'll just feel sickening. One word, many connotations. Wonder if he reaches a point where he sees my point of view on it. Hehe. It would be nice, cuz that would mean internally he feels at ease. I like that feeling too. Maybe that's what I seek when I look emotional balance and can't communicate it to someone else cuz it feels cringe to ask. Heh. I guess there are sides in me that react to different things the way he does, probably the sides that have been hurt repeatedly. Never thought of it that way before but yes, maybe I don't like asking cuz it feels like begging, but it's probably more in my mind than it is in other peoples'. 

Well, hopefully there will be balance eventually. Then I can coyly call someone..." oh my lord " wink wink.