Another semi sleepless night lol. Atleast the world is still. Feel like playing chess tbh. Morning will be ruined if I do. Oops

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Holy moly the sleep deprivation is getting to me. I cannot even type or think 😭

Lol I snuck a peek. I'd seen that yesterday also, damn cool it was. Bondie man. 

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I lazed away this day too. My leg pains and aches have gotten better with rest. How very cool it is being old 😹 Now if only I get back to my regular sleep. This stress made me want to be alert but zomg where be the mental toughness I so much need? Rescue me!!

New day and ganesha idol. It's all very festive outside. And quiet cuz people are home. That feels nice. And I am sleep deprived and huuuuunnngry. 

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I pray for safety and good fortune for me, my family and also that one person. I hope good things, happiness and lots of love comes in all our lives. And may we be protected from all that's harmful and all the people that may try to harm us. 

There's a part of me that's upset and the other part that is relieved. I am not mourning the loss of this friendship, I think I wanted out for a long time now. And I guess that's pretty much it. I wanted out. I hated that guy, I hated being in that space, I hated all of it and I can't see myself being around that person again. All her ranting aside, the fact that she loves this guy is like 🤯 

Anyway, I think this was bound to be and it's fine. There's no point in either person dragging it out. I want to find newer friends, the kind I used to have earlier where I had fun and great convos with. I really miss that tbh. She called my convos boring lol. Heh. Yeah well. I hope I forget this by tomo tbh. Don't think it's worth the mindspace. 

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What an epic shit show this match is jeez

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Shelley giving me hope, just don't. 

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😕

Afternoon naps 😴. I feel soooooooo nice just sitting idle doing nothing. 

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Oh lord yet another wall of text. About all my flaws and ranting and boring conversations lol. It's interesting how M is really grasping at straws to make me the bad guy while ducking all the stuff I told her that was over the line. Some of this stuff is also over the line. Meh. 

Whatever... I think it's best not to think of any of this. 

Feels like a hurt child trying to grasp at straws to tell themselves look other person bad when they never once communicated their end of things when they should have. Either way, blah. I think there's no point in dwelling. It is what it is. 

And honestly like... Good luck to them. I think there will come a time when they need it. I am sorry for making her feel like she was dealing with me ranting about M, that was my bad. I communicated as such, no excuses about that. But other than that, the rest was just trying to make me a bad person. She also conveniently tried to brush all her bf said and did under the carpet in this flurry of you did this and that. So noted. 

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In a way I'm happy. I think it's best things are in the open. I feel like both of us have issues communicating our feelings so it's best to air them even if it ends the equation. I don't wish her badly at all. And I understand telling her that stuff harshly must be very hurtful. But I just don't trust that guy. He is 40, takes money from her, lives in her house, wants to do business. Tomo she will be the one taking loans and life can get fucked very easy when someone makes you take loans on your name. I don't think I'm offbase to have concerns and a person who is always trying to say shitty and sly things isn't someone that I would easily trust. But yeah. It is how it is. And definitely very harsh but I mean I would rather say harsh things now than see someone suffer later and have it on my conscience. It scares me when someone uses you for money. It scares me when it feels as if someone might be pretending to be nice to get something like that out of you. And a guy who doesn't have any strong foothold in life at this age isn't one who I can in good conscience give benefit of doubt to. He cheated on her in the beginning, moved in without asking, then pretended like he is looking for a place to stay yada yada and now this. In addition to talking down to her all the time. So yeah. I don't particularly want to recant any of that. 

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Plus she told me all the misery she was experiencing was because of me. So yeah. Alright. 

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Lol. What is life without a cluster fuck. Heh. It's okay. Shit happens. Heh. Boss Ross just chimed in with his " we don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents ". 

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Okay let's watch finals. I fear the worst lol

New day and I feel fine. And kinda upbeat. Woke up at 9 after tossing and turning all night. Oof. I am feeling at peace kinda. And I wanna move forward with intention now. I guess I'm just looking forward to that. 

Twitch giving jumpscares early morning. When did it decide to start sending notifs again? Lol. Crazy. 

And heyyyy ryba won while I slept lol. Woohooo. Ggs. 

Lol. As predicted M is now trying to send me these oh but I recant my apology texts. I'm not really having any reaction beyond understanding that she can be angry too at some stuff I said. Which I expected tbh. But yeah. I'm not sure how much to clarify and how much to ditch because honestly like where do you even go from this point. It's just going to be ultra bad blood no matter how you slice it. Well, let's see. Either just fight it out or just say fuck it or do both lol. Whatever man. Part of what I said might be cuz I was angry but not one thing was untrue or embellished. She doesn't get why any of those things bother me either and having to explain is so exhausting tbh. It's always some excuse or something shit so idk at the end of the day I don't see any regret or remorse so what's the point. 

Life will go on either way so there's that. I was a genuine well wisher and I have been sooooo attached to her and always tried to look out for her. That's the truth. So like all this is just like yeah whatever. I guess I'll put a pin in it for now and leave it be. Will circle back when ready. 

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A few hours later and I kinda feel calm and okay tbh. Spoke to brother and yeah. Like this kinda immaturity would not have existed if the person I'm talking to had some conscience. I guess everyone has a choice to grow up or not and if they choose not to then that is on them. Hmmm... Idk I guess none of this is surprising and I hardly expect someone to change overnight. I'm sure some stuff I said seemed harsh but I did only point out what I saw, and felt. I know that if someone was being nasty to a friend of mine, I wouldn't idly sit by and make excuses. I also would never make the choices she did tbh. More than that what can anyone say anyway. Blah. It is what it is. It's time to just put all this aside from now. 

Why did I read the shirts Tiafoes team is wearing as " big hoe" 😭

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Z in finals too. He will win against either of these two. Bleh. Maaaybe shelley might try but 😶

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My skin is getting so wrecked in the sun I gotta start going to tennis early in the morning. Maybe 6.30 - 7.30 from now. No point baking in the sun as much as I enjoy the heat. Never seen such a weird patch on my hand before wtf man. I wish the court was indoor tbh. Would have been so much better. 😕 I enjoy playing but sun damage is not worth it. Total sun burn despite having sunscreen. 😞

Warli love

 Number of talented people out there is just far too many. 

The artforms from my native state and it's just so intricate. I find it interesting how I've always had an affinity for details and geometry and rocks and all of that is native to the the place I was born at.

That last blue one though damn. Just beautiful execution. I will try recreating it for myself. It's just gorgeous in it's intricacy. 

AI solved the navier stokes conjecture. Wtf yo. That's an insanely scary level of intelligence. Hurtling into the abyss with no guardrails. It's pretty much the end of a lot of professions asap. Idk where we would be in 5 years ngl. Well, no use worrying. Onwards to more human stuff. Like why is Zverev still playing every time slot i can watch. 😭

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I noticed today how some people are so naturally caring. This one dude at tennis always just comes by to help with the ball bucket etc whenever I carry it. It's so damn nice. And I know he is simply doing it cuz values, nothing else. I bet he is a great father to his kid too. It makes me happy to see men like these. There's just an understanding of niceness which makes me feel relaxed. I've started looking at these traits with a lot of affection now. More of this in life please!

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In general the community there is really sweet and warm. I'm glad I joined. I really do. I like the interactions and the camaraderie and most of all I love the sport. I hope it remains a lifelong habit from now. 

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And I got myself an RG coloured shirt omg. I'm so happy with that. Just the colour of rust that I love. Can't wait to wear it!! And my arm sleeves to hide from the sun holy moly my skin is suffering and how. Need to play in a face mask or something. 

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Imma watch the Micheal documentary at dinner. Hope it's good. Somehow all biopics just get butchered. Lmc. Atleast the songs will be great! 

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I'm suddenly calculating and all wtf. How. What has changed in me in these two days? V sus. Mated down a queen and it was so nice. Weird. I don't trust this new found ability. 

Women's tennis is so much more exciting now than mens. I like Gauff soooo much. And also Ryba. Lmao. How to root for one? 😭

This is so troubling. In like the best way! Go girls!

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I kinda always low key end up listening to some people. Always. Idk why but I juuust do. Like rn I've been irritable for a few days so I felt like maybe going and getting a drink and then I didn't. Fuck it. I'll just play some blitz 😤

It's about time I level up somewhere sheesh. 

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Oh hey I'm 2069 blitz now. And it was not very effortful just idk 😐. I donot understand this game at all. Now I'm 2092. All time high. Weird. 

This is what gambling must feel like just be on a hot streak then wish to play mo mo mo

Eyyyy omg. Dude. Okay I can't help but laugh at this what the fuck lmao. Incorrigible.

Heh. Okay time to go buy some new clothes for tennis. After so long my wardrobe is again turning into tennis stuff hehe. Such fun!

And a lemon hybrid fell on me today from the tree too. Feels so cute lol. Life gave me a 🍋 

Awake at 4 am and a bird is perched right outside my window and chirping. This is so sweet. First a katydid, now a bird. Nature is visiting. It feels lovely. 

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Omg and a peahen also flew into the gardens. Awww. How nice to seeeeee. Animals are the best. 

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Should have a nice day now, seeing as I've had such cute visitors.