:(

Maybe tomo is a nicer day, who knows 

Watched a game against a 2800 and saw analysis also, and man. Without any blunders it's still hard to win. And b4 in that position. Never seen it before. Was so fun tbh. Just throwing a pawn in the queen's face lmao. Suck it, Queenie. 

That really felt nice to see.

~

I'm feeling soooooo emotional today man. Just sooooo eems. Missing folks left and right, esp brother. Ugh.... Everything feels so sentiiiii. Ai ai aiiiii

~

Losing all games also back to back. I'm so sad rn. I want some tlc.

~

Lol... Some pic of neimann at a piano with the most idiotic expression + a tennis 🎾 toy came up and I'm just like. 😅 Atleast it made me laugh. Just peak fuckery. This weird tennis obsession these guys have makes me think it's all fake and for views. No skill, just noise. Now in piano. 

Federers bday today! Lol. Wonder if he weeps when he cuts his cake. 😬 Hehe, just so fond of him man. Everytime his face pops up somewhere I'm just like naaaah. Kids of today do noooot compare! Hehe. ♥️

There's always some clowns in chess who will play a piss poor game then start harassing in chat and calling you a cheater like. Jesus. How fucking lame do you need to even be? 🙄 Not even smart enough to run analysis to see how badly they played. I just hate it so much tbh. 

Sheesh. People like this really irritate the fuck out of me. Ruins every game. 

No creatine and I feel so much better today zero headache or dehydration. Useless substance. Good I'm ditching it. 

~

Man, I have to legit give some credit for some of the life changes I've made like no drinking, more discipline etc in a teeny way to M. He made me want to be more responsible. Hehe. I still remember when I first came around him and realised a few things which kinda made me want to grow up. I didn't really give a shit about anything properly before that. I suppose being responsible towards someone is a very ingrained part of my love language. Even watching him be sooooo sensitive made me feel shocked at first, but then it made me want to be sweet to him and kinda baby him lol. Not in a way where I thought less of him, but more in like... 'hey I do think well of you, why don't you see that?' Kinda way. I was fairly protective of him. And lord knows I would noooot have been that patient with anyone else. 

But it's not a good thing to have to lower standards to accomodate someone's behaviour. I would not have thought highly of anyone else if they behaved like that. That's true too, I am used to people that are free and open, and honest to a large degree. I suppose that's as good a reason to have walked as the many others he presented me lol. Maybe some people come by to trigger a change in you, which can be a good thing. Changes can stick, even if you can't. Oh well. He can have a happy life with his tinder and his urge to devalue everyone I guess. 

~

Lol. I started the thought with wanting to give him credit but then like... Eff that. I'll change for myself and be responsible for me. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🙄🙄🖕🏼🖕🏼I'm sure his twitch girls and whoring around will suffice in that dept, no need for me to unnecessarily give any. Meh.

Yeah well. If I had ever done all the shit he did, I'm sure the hatred would have been through the roof so despite it all, I'm deffo still a lot kinder than anyone else would have been, if the roles were reversed. Ergo there's room for more spitefulness 💪🏼😁. 

I just don't hate him enough, or at all for that matter. I think that's what I actually hate... That I don't dislike him much lol. Ugh. I know that this urge to poke and needle definitely means I still give a shit. Heh. Well, the day I don't, I'll simply forget him entirely. I don't yearn for that day, if I had, it would have been here already. Against my better judgement ofc. 😬

~

I used to be this naive kid who felt like I should only love someone once, properly. And I refused to give my heart out to just anyone. I've never been all in towards anyone tbh. And then life happened and it taught me about my own naivety. How very sad. I hope my periods are round the corner, they are a tad bit late this time. Probably explains the urge to weep also hehe. A sprinkle of sadness which is a lie cuz it's just hormones. How I try to stand outside myself like an observer sometimes. Yeah well, I'm not very emotive irl so atleast I can keep this space for my dramatics. Noone ever knows how I feel anyway. 

~

And so it goes, as vonnegut had reminded us. 

~

Periods just arrive already pls... Being emo is a drag. And missing people also sucks ass 

Remembered my brother and just started crying lol. Miss him sooooo much! Maaan. Legit just miss him lots!!!

😕😕😕😕😕😕😕

Up so early, had to check if I was dreaming. It's soooo cold outside I need to just be in my cocoon rn omgggg. 

Shhhh world! Gniiite

~

Awake again and still I'm up before my alarm goes off. 💪🏼 Birds and me. Chirp chirp chirp

~

Omg tennis is love. It was such a beautiful sess my goodness me. I loved it so damn much. Ooof. I like that cone thing, easy peasy get the right shots. What a beautiful game though. Like just. Mama mia!

Fuck this creatine supplement. Midday and I'm already developing a headache, it just dehydrates me so badly. Bleh. Never again yuckky.

~

Wow it's raining again. I suppose the seasons really have shifted. Pouring and so dark outside. Water is good.

Every tiny bit of pain and ache and twinge has gone away. After months I feel so springy and sprightly rn. Too bad tomo it'll all come back in some shape or form. 

The decision to rest and recover was a good one in hindsight though...I'm glad I took some time off. Really feels like there's an underlying adaptation process that also happens with rest. I don't feel the same set of aches again most times. Let's see if the theory holds. Hehe. Oh well. Tis what tis. 

~

It's morning now and it rained so much last night. Good, we needed it tbh. Miss old days here when the weather was just perfect year round. 

~

Yaay for good rallies. How very fun it is. 

Once more this dude played all the moves I was thinking of and then lost! Zoop! 

Ugh. Bummer. It's just annoying when that loss suddenly happens tbh. 

I need a nice solo trek. Maybe this weekend. It's been ages since I went up a hill! And the weather is great for it. Even the comic strip exhibit looks great! 

Yearning for some nature and art! I wish people start like an art and hiking retreat somewhere out of town. I think it'll be a great way to just recharge. Mostly just craving peace and sanctuary from the hustle of the city. Be a wonderful way to live ngl.

~

Omg I got in such a nice checkmate ooh la la. Damn. 🔥

" I don't know what they are called. The spaces between seconds. But I think of you always in those intervals."

What a pretty thought, and such a lovely way to express it. And then I tried to look it up and a blog from 2008 came up. And then it said... "17 years ago." 💀

Way to ruin it, huh?

~

Having said that, I guess never really realised how old fashioned my values are tbh. Just now I was thinking about something and it's kinda later in the night and I just feel this sense of affection towards that thought. Kid me was always zooping towards everything futuristic. But the now me is stable and slow underneath that urge to banter and learn new stuff etc. I like that. I'd also like to consolidate that over time. Well, time is all we have. It's a privilege to be alive. I'm glad I get to be here right now and I hope I always am. And it's a privilege to feel affection and to read the line above and know how sweetly it just fits in my life experiences, that I can both understand and appreciate it for what it is. 

 Everytime I'm in the 1900s people just play so poorly like it's such simple calculations that we all do wrong. It's embarassing ngl. I do the same as well. Soooo often. Not embarassed enough tbh. Should be though. Shame.

 💪🏼 Pains are backkkk! Heh. I totally get why that guy was always hobbling about and sitting on chairs haha. Fuck. Oh well, just gotta get used to it. It'll be fine in a while. More stretchinggggg

All my aches and pains have subsided. I wish to enjoy this 12 hours of bliss before I go play tomo and come back with a new collection of aches and pains because why not? A brief interlude, if you will.

La vie est belle, until it isn't. 😬

~

How good it feels to twist and turn in any direction I please without whinging and something twitching though. Ooof. 

~

Oh well. Atleast I can play again, that's good. 

🎉 

Mondays are back! Good good, back to routine. Always a nice feeling to fall back on ♥️

~

Oh my god some account just popped up on my feed and I was wondering why this beefy dude is popping up. And turns out it's some thirsty trappy guy talking about being single and loving his kid and showing his abs in every post. And D follows him. Hahahahaha fuck. Oh my goodness! I can't stop laughing at this maaaan. Fuck. And that dude is sooooooooo scammy... Just removing shirt and playing some oh 'woe is me look I'm such a nice guy' bullshit. 

I can toooootally imagine her wanting to trade her husband in for this dude and then adopt his kid to feel like the wonderful self sacrificial woman she wishes to pretend to be. Oh the fantasies that get us through the day, eh?

Ahahahhaha ohhhh mannnn. Men fall for all these scammy accounts but women falling for the same is equally hilarious. Oof. 

~

Heh. A good laugh to start the day.