Anytime I play in the sun I get a headache later in the day. This feels awful. Eyes hurting too. This low key sucks cuz my group is so fun I enjoy playing with them but they'll be coming later in the day and I gotta go early. 😕 I really do enjoy the camaraderie with that group, esp that one dude. Ugh. Well. Tis what tis.

~

Woohoo all the teas and gifts have arrived. I'm glad. Now to repack and ship it all omg. Hope it goes there easily and he gets it easily. It's a task all this shipping and making customs forms etc. wish I could just outsource all that tbh

~

Head still pounding hours later wut man. I'm so weak. So WEAK!

Everyday there's a post on tom brady on my timeline like why. Don't even follow the sport he plays or care why his wife left him. How weird are people who fixate on all this honestly. Completely unnecessary.

~

I need to get up but I wish to snooze too. The everlasting dilemma of early mornings. I'm like sisyphus. Just pulling the same rock up and watch it roll down. In this case I gotta roll over. Zzzz. Okay ten min nap then I'll gtfo. 

~

The sun is merciless. Zapped my willpower away today ezpz

~

Oh wow this dudes friend is still playing... crazy. Sometimes I wish he would tell him not to. Idk why I always want to interfere also I don't even know that guy, but something about him hits right into my protectiveness instincts. I feel like a bird wanting to keep him under wingspan. Oh well. Atleast it always made me smile to see how codependent they are on each other. It was good to know there was a teeny tiny smidge of good inside that guys blackened heart. Silver linings I suppose 😆😁

I'm able to beat 2k ratings if I think and play and it's not particularly tough either. Interesting. Lmc what I can do.

~

Steve McQueen looks exactly like Daniel Craig. I somehow really like these old films. They are shot in such a glamourous way. The pouffes and the impeccable style. Legit so distinct. I gotta watch more of these old films sometime. Oh my there's a game of chess in it too lol. That's funny. I'd love to see what the game actually looked like. 

Nagpur Orange is the best fucking fruit ever. Oh my god! It's just the best! Every damn bite is the perfect blend of citrus and coldness I just love it so damn much!! So glad it's back in season I have missed you sooooo much!!!!! 

Guavas and Oranges. S tier fruits. 🥇🏆🧘🏼‍♀️

Mishima

 Closing/ Mishima

Never knew one of my fav authors had a movie about him and none other than Philip Glass created this. 

Wonderment. And the comments talk of Bobs Burgers lol. Never seen it but it must be good. How worlds collide.

~

It's a cold, cold morning today. Knees be hurting yet I must play.

There used to be this thought about belief in a god like entity is a sign of weakness, cuz you need something to hold on to in an ever changing world. All these concepts... reincarnation etc. You have karma. You play debts etc. I don't know if that's true. If any of it is true. But I feel like the idea of experiencing life over and over in different ages and times is so beautiful in itself. There's people I've met at times where it's felt like hey I've known you forever. Right from the start. And some tiny moments of deja vu. I guess I don't view all of this as weakness. I view it as something that's larger than us. And there's so much beauty in that thought for me. Like that line in Gatsby about swimming against the tide and being borne back into the past. I feel like both are necessary. To go forward and to have a healthy view of where you came from. It's a cool journey. It'll be cool to do it over and over. And it'll be lovely to meet people I love over and over. My first ever thought that I remember was of searching for someone specific. It was suuuuch a primal instinct that I still don't know where it came from. There was nothing on the outside influencing that. Idk. I remember that road in the desert where I used to cycle by myself cuz I loved zooming about. I wish I could bottle that feeling. Of the warm sun and the sultry day and the dry wind. Looking up at a pale blue sky and just wondering where I'm supposed to be going. I wonder the exact same thing today as I did back then. I really wonder what the destination is. Always a time for everything. Even this blog, for more than a decade I had barely anything to say. And now I say stuff daily. It's all mundane but I find love and peace in it. I guess that's why this place is so sacred to me, it pretty much contains my entire heart. I'm glad I kept my promise, of being honest no matter what. I think it's more or less just that. 

~

Well. The tiny hidden thing of comfort in all this is the same thought I had while doing shrooms lol. Life follows a nice rhythm, you are here, like many before you and many to come after. Just enjoy the ride. There's no need to worry and be afraid. Just meet fate the best you can, and it might just treat you like a friend you always needed. I'd like to believe that. 

~

Heh. And just like that coin market crypto went live lmaoooooo. Of all the bullshit that exists in this world. 😅 

Mondays are so therapeutic. Makes you shrug off the weekend. I have always loved that. Always the best part of a week. Day looks lovely too. ♥️

~

Battling rain ☔ is a task esp driving in it. Glad I wasn't stuck in traffic for too long sheesh. Now for some good coffee! I am exhausted in the best way.  My little table and basket also just arrived. How quaint. I don't like buying stuff but when I do, it should be cute 🥺. I'm glad I found some good stuff. Picked up two cushion covers for M also haha. I hope she likes. It's the most indian thing I could get. People gift dry fruits for diwali and it's funny but our almonds come from California so shipping them back would feel like returning to sender. Globalisation is 😧. I hope she likes all the silly items and curios tbh. Gotta get them all packed properly. 

It was pleasant hanging with cousin today. It's odd but I've started preferring these distant equations with folks. I think it's good to have company you can chill with without getting too close. Feels better. 

I guess I'm super averse to being close to someone now. Atleast I want to ensure that if I am, then it's only with people I feel a sense of equality with. No more lopsided bs. I always notice how lucky he is to have such a sweet wife though. And he is super sweet with her too. It's a lovely dynamic and he is exceptionally lucky to have her in his life. And she him. Well. Sometimes life just works out exactly right. 

~

Uhhh and I'm sooooooooo hungryyyy. 10 am lunching was a bad idea. Heh. I love cooking for others but for myself I never make an effort  I can just eat instant noodles and egg and be done. Lol. I recall one time telling P I even munch watermelon seeds cuz spitting them out feels icky and he told me goodbye cuz the conversation was taking a mental toll hahahahhaha. Oh man. That was epic. Fuck. 

Anyway, hunger calls and I'm out of eggs what can I dooooooooo. 😭

~

Guye Adoba did 2:02 today damn. People are so damn fast!!! Running is life man. Just 🤌🏼 

This dudes friend seems to be playing forever. Hope he is okay. Jesus playing since 3 pm and it's 8.45 now. Fuck. That's crazy. I mean even I've played like this but mostly cuz I enjoyed it lol. Hope it's the same for him. 

Why is ronaldo always in chadds man. Zomg. His wife should tell him to cover up 😭😭😭😭

Boys and their affinity for showing muscles is something I'll never understand. It's always other guys who check em out too haha. Men can be weirdos in a very adorable way tbh. Most of them, not all. Ronaldo in tiny underwear is not 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 🚫 

~

I'm lazing about watching people run the Berlin marathon how very nice 🙂 

~

Aaaaaa why am I fucking losing again what the fuck this stupid ass game omgggggggggg 

Gah!!!!

A day wasted is sometimes a day well spent. Kept trying to find an anime to see, landed on daemons of shadow realm and it fizzled the fuck out ezpz. Really need something better to bite into. 

~

I have shopping to do as well Oi Oi Oi. It's so boring to shop tbh. But I need new pants 😩. Maybe I'll buy those baggy ones that make everyone look like a stilt walker. Why not. Might as well

~

This popped up and it had to be him! 

Rachmaninoff

Ordered so much junky food on a whim and now im thinking banana would be a better breakfast. 💀

Why do I always do this? 

Hehe, I remember when I used to always order the most outlandish thing on the menu and then immediately hate it and peck off other people's plates. Good times! 

~

You know it's a good, healing nap when you wake up and wonder why it's so bright outside. As disorienting as having been on a merry go round. Yums. 

Oh the laziness of today. I shall immerse in you beautifully.

~

Omg it just struck me now. Lmaooooo. So this lady kept trying to tell me that she didn't take me saying D and A are toxic seriously and so i should not take her comments about N seriously either. And I was confused at why and now I realise she thinks everyone is bullshitting like her. Oh my godddd. Ahahaha. Fuck. Damn dude. People always project themselves in their assumptions huh? Damn. And I usually take people at face value cuz I'm not actually bullshitting at any point. Dude this is like the boy who cried wolf lmao. Daaaaaaamn. Oh good luck to her bf. As much as I despise that obnoxious loser, this kinda twisted fuckery is unreal. 

What fascinating about this isn't how fucked up it is, it's that people that messed up always have a default assumption that they are correct and righteous. That's wild. 

Every few years I look back at my former self and realise I'm a naive soul and that still holds true. I really gotta develop some street smarts. I have none. Like zero. Wtf haha. 

Meh. It's okay. I guess I just see problems as inherently fixable so none of this really bothers me much. Onwards, upwards and thanks for the laugh. 😬

Saturdays are idli days for me. It's such a comfort food, and took so much getting used to early on. But now it's one of my top 5 probably. 

And as soon as I complete the herculean task of getting out of bed, I shall order myself a nice hearty breakfast and promptly come back for a snooze. Isss the perfect saturday morning ritual.

I forgot to shower yesterday 😦 now I gotta shower early morning to go play. Drags. Should become like guys tbh, they seem to never shower. 

And I hope that selfish dude doesn't come to play and ask to play with me. He is so annoying just encroaches on my court. I seem to be angsty early morning. Good good. Can channel that. 💪🏼

~

I need to be quicker. QUICKER. ZOOPZOOP. I was so afraid of twisting my knee too much today. Ewws. The only thing I miss about being 20 is the flexibility and agility man. This bullshit I didn't even have to think about back then lol. How we taketh le youths for granted. Feels like both my legs are gonna fall off. 

~

5 pm and I'm wiped out totally now damn. Looong ass day!! 😦 I have to buy the teas to send across too. And the plushies hehe. All childish items, but so nice it feels to get em all. After ages I'm making plans for diwali shopping. I just love giving gifts tbh. Feels great to do so. Have to figure out all the shipping too.  

I want someone to baby me today idk why, just feel like some TLC would be great.

 Even this child could coach me omg that BH is so clean oof. What a talent

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbIl2IfMpMt/?stkn=MXNjeTE2cng3a3Nuag==

One hander 😤💪🏼

~

I love seeing how talented some people are, honestly just feels great. The world would be a lot nicer if people focused on doing better than wanting others to do better tbh. Hope that day comes about sooner than later. 

~

Oh what a joy it is to play a game and come away thinking oh la la so well I played only got analysis to tell you it was total dog shit. Lol. 😆 Stupid computers.

~

I think I'll start Zarathurstra. Can't believe I gave away my only copy to that dude and he never returned it. Sheesh. The only vengeance list I have consists of people who whacked my books and never gave them back. Heathens! 

Overcast today too. Must be something in chennai tbh. Feels super drained. The second day of periods has started feeling like this in the last few years. Tragic. 

Have so much stuff to finish today ooh la la. Better get on it. 

~ 

Heh. Everytime I open twitch there's a mention of some woman lol. Life blatantly just telling me to exit ♾️. I shall heed the advice. Not like I'll ever trust him anyway so meh. Mid day twitches, no pun intended. I'll just unfollow so no notifs ever pop up.

~

Bit nervous about the deadlines looming up. Funny thing about success. It's not so much the success part that's intimidating, it's more the negatives that come with it that are annoying. Hmmm. Anyway. I like working hard. I think it's the best, most therapeutic thing to do lol. 

~

Also, why is my rating in the shitter. Where is Sadler and his cool analysis? Where be magnus s games? Omg I gotta watch one of his older TT streams. My rating just jumps up post that purely through love for the thinking lol. What a totem I need to bind myself to, in order to play well. Yt streams. A total oops. 

Warli

I am mesmerized by this artform. My love for symmetry finds a home in stick figures