Life stays in balance when I play tennis. Just a week's rest and I'm already feeling a bit irritable and not as happy as I was when playing. That's wild. But also amazing to me.
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I also am discovering that watching tv during free time ends up feeling annoying over a period of time. I don't like this vegetable state of staring at a show. Action is greater than inaction.
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I don't know who I dreamt about last night, but the presence was so soothing and nice tbh. I really loved that.
Talking to mum about K and how much we admire certain outlooks of hers. I really do find her approach to life to be great. Navigating a long distance marriage for the time being isn't easy but the thing I love about some conservative folks is how they have this stable foundation of ' this is my person, I made this choice, now what comes our way is something we have to deal with as a unit. ' I myself am like that so I truly appreciate the groundedness.
I feel like as I'm getting older I have started gravitating towards folks that are similar in values and it's something that I hope sticks. I don't wish to be around anyone who is straying from that. Just now I was checking some post on reddit and it was about ibd and someone was talking about their experiences and I caught myself reading keenly, then googling, then suddenly catching myself and going hey I don't need to care. It made me chuckle a bit at the thought that no matter how awful the person, my instincts are always to care about their well-being. Guess taming that instinct would serve me well. For the time being. I'd love to experience the joy of just being in a stable equation so I can fully allow these traits to flourish and feel a sense of safety in doing so. Oh well. Until such time lemme just so my own thing.
And now the beginning of the second part is just annoying me sheesh. It's the same thing like men wanting their sister in law and fancying girls that aren't their wives. Like. I refuse to believe all guys are like this. What a saaaad thought. I bet if they felt their wives were looking at all other dudes the same way, they'd be livid.
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"She’s a good woman, he thought. The kind of woman whose goodness is oppressive"
I'm rolling my eyes haaaard at this like. God, what a loser this yeung ho dude is ugh.
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Atleast I'm reading a book in one sitting like old times. Clink clink🥂
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She uses initials like I do. And there's an M, a J and now a P in the book. Well. Oops. This second half is just a weird porno. Why do Asian novels have this fixation on sex? I find the same elements in Japanese books too. Just this weird desperately craving forbidden sex. It's not even attractive to me at this point just like eeyeah ok. That empty feeling when the fantasy wears off and all you are left with is mundane. That's how this feels rn.
I wish i'd just stopped reading at the first half tbh.
I feel like having a drink tonight and just binging this book. There's this truth in it that is so commonplace. The lack of compassion that underscores the lives of so many women. I hated it growing up and I hate it just as much as an adult.
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Little things stick out to me so much these days tbh. Like that guy at tennis practice who is always so considerate. He just needs no prompting at all. It was a weird contrast in my mind to the time M once talked about some women he saw playing pickleball and instantly said something insulting to them. It reminded me of A so much. He would also want to insult women he wished to speak to and then try to show off in front of them like look, look I'm so good at this. People like that exist more and more. Ones who will just be sweet and do it instinctively now just stand out to me for whatever reason. Maybe it's just low self esteem in people like A who wish to be admired. I semi puke at the idea of anyone admiring that dude. Nah, I fully, whole heartedly puke at the idea of anyone admiring that moron. Seriously like. 🤢🤮
This book is interesting to me in the sense that it describes how a looot of folks will see women as people who need to fulfill some role. That's it. Not a person whose feelings should be cherished.
Raise your kids well, ladies. It matters how you raise them and who they end up being. Some folks turn out well despite bad parenting but so many more would be great if they just had a good,wholesome childhood. That's very important.
The vegetarian is incredible. Man. What a powerful book. Only 1/3rd in and I'm already just shocked at how simple, elegant and in depth it is.
It's very rare that I wish to read books about people. I prefer fantasy and sci fi and action. Status quo always felt like something I would rather avoid, just gets too painful and real to read. But this one has been so haunting. At the same time I can't help but see the parallels in a few other books which kind of lessen the impact of it for me. There's elements of dostoevsky and Chuck palahnuik in it that feel distinct. It takes me out of the reading experience whenever I encounter stuff like that. Hmm.
I think people who feel powerless are ones who will resonate with this quite a lot too. The message of the book is very vivid.
Let me finish it over the weekend and see what I feel overall. Atleast it's been a good read after a long time. I'm glad.
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I somehow feel like mans search for meaning has been a lot more impactful for me personally than most other books. That and flowers for algernon. Man, that was exquisite. Even to kill a mockingbird had made a huge impact on me growing up. I recall weeping lots when I was done reading it. It truly hurt. It's wild that to a large chunk of people today it would simply not make an impact. That's a sobering thought.
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I suppose I always chose to steer clear of books about the human condition cuz they just hurt.
Every day more and more nobels. Where is mine I ask you? Gimme pls
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Andrew Garfield in my feed again man that's a lot of interviews he is doing. His description of grief actually did resonate with me though. It's interesting that he can talk about it in interviews. I don't think I can ever discuss something this personal with someone unless they were extremely close to me. I feel like it's such a personal emotion that only you have complete dominion over it. I'm very, very cagey about feelings. Although over the last few years I have made an attempt to be a bit more open.
Heh. I still don't buy his persona though. Always thought he was super attractive but the more he speaks the less I like him now. Weird how that works for me. I have to actually like the person to swoon over them. Otherwise it doesn't do anything for me. Didn't know he was jewish either. I think I may have finally discovered that my type is Jewish men lol. Like literally all the guys I've had a crush on have been Jewish that's a wild coincidence. Oh wait not cumberbatch. See but when he speaks it sounds very much like he is being authentic. Which is what makes him super attractive to me. Hmmm. Interesting. I guess then that means my type is authentic, witty, funny dudes. Which is cool. Yeah I like ernest speakers who have a lot of substance when they speak and share things. I love listening to someone talk so much tbh. Falling asleep on phonecalls with ak was just one of the most beautiful feelings in the world to me.
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The more I observe people, the more I realise how flawed we all are. And then I realise that that means I have to always love someone from a distance. A mighty sad realisation, that. Well. I haven't met everyone in this world, so let's not write everyone off. 😁
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Let's just dive back into fishers games. Banish this garfield, get off my algo dude!
There's a bobby fisher game that agad uploaded which had this one where white went e5 in a kings indian and bobby termed it weak. And seeing why it was weak was like a revelation.
I recall this guy talking about a position that looked fairly regular to me and describing it as very rich and I didn't understand it then. Watching this game it made it all click.
Holy moly how much did these folks even calculate man. I feel more ashamed of blitz now than I did 24 hours ago lol. Literally every position can be studied and here we play 40+ moves in under a few seconds. Jeez. Talk about desecrating a game man. Truly astonishing.
And idk what it is about these older games but they just looks so much richer and more detailed to me than games today that seem very clinical. I suppose maybe it's cuz the errors happened in the opening so strong players went down the road of capitalisation quicker? Idk. Hmmm. Yet another puzzle that may be answered sometime in the future.
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Watched one fisher game and now I'm on a win streak lol. This is the key to chess. Inspiration. 😂
Diy race car kits. Now that's a nice gift. Esp for someone who anyway liked legos. Hmmm. I'll get em next time I have to buy a gift.
I legit enjoy buying gifts. It feels nice.
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An interesting commonality about satire that I'm not observing is its part absurdity part realism that makes it tick. But once you observe the formula it's like the trick loses its magic. You can appreciate the sleight of hand but you know it's just that. 🥺
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I haven't pooped today. Why is that? 😐
People used to tell me they poop in the evenings, sometimes at work and not mornings and I was like wuuuut. I thought pooping was strictly reserved for mornings lol. That's what I grew up believing! Now my beliefs are shattered.
Debating if I should take another pill for my hip ache. I don't know. If the anti inflammatory just blocks pain then what's the point the injury is still going to be there. Hmmm.
One one hand it enables me to play and maybe that will get rid of the aches. On the other it'll make it worse. What to do what to do.
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Why did I think Anderseen Horowitz was a new name for another company? Weird.
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Shipping is a pain. Just finding out all these codes is so annoying truly.
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Evening and the entirety of my body aches lol. I wish there was a magic solution. I totally get why that guy used to complain about his ankle now this is just unreal and unrelenting haha. Fuckin tennis just giving bt always. Stupid Zverev is also world no 1. This year is just stupid. 😕
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Spectating some games is so incredibly boring like how can chess be so tedious at times?
11 am seems like a lifetime away when you wake up at 6 am. Alas!
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So much fun to squeeze out a win man. So good. Some days I love playing. That felt niiiiice.
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It's only 2 pm. Time is crawling.
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Everyone is getting the nobel prize. Where is mine? :(
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9 pm scrolling and it's just Andrew Garfield everywhere. He seems like a good actor but idk why I don't really like him. Weird instinctive thing...
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I'll read the vegetarian tonight
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And now I'm up at 3 am and restless asf
Seasons really have moved. Been raining all night. And now court is wet. I remember as a kid going to school when it rained. It used to feel like the world was enveloped in a blanket. Just wanted to rush indoors. Now I intermittently like then dislike it. It felt cozy when we were in a small town and the outdoors was kinda closer than it is now. It's soooo apartmenty where I'm at. Maybe when I retire I can just move to some small hill station and then enjoy life that way. I think that would be excellent.
Well. Indoor cycling it is for me today.
Finished watching traitors and idk so meh. For a game that could have been super interesting it was just such a bunch of bad participants. I really want that UK season tbh. The premise of the show is so nice but why is the end result like this. Sheesh. You really need some really good participants to make it happen. Reviews say oz and Canada ones are also meh.
Also omg it's raining outside. Oh my court! 😅
Up at 3 am and seeing a robot dance to hare rama hare krishna. The world is unreal. And the robot is super dexterous. How soon until it helps at home?
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Mondays 😁
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Suddenly that rhyme hot cross buns came to me. Idk why.
God I used to hate raisins in bread. Hot cross buns are nice though, gotta wait till Easter to get em
I have a neck sprain, hip sprain and mild fever to boot. Lol. What a spectacular way to fall apart completely. 😆
Let's read some dostoevsky just to add existential angst to all this why not? Hmmm. I think I have the crocodile loaded up somewhere lmc if I can read that.
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Hmmm. It was quite a nicely written story. A bit childlike but I enjoyed it too. He really does know how to interpret people. So very well.
Stories of that era have this quality of absurdity that makes them unrelatable to me. I connect to them mentally but never emotionally. I see the overarching point but there's something so alien about them all that it kind of leaves me hanging. The one that I actually truly loved was Pushkins Queen of Spades. Now that was a total zingggg! 🎯
Maybe I should explore more by him.
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Eyyyy whenever I am chilling out of the blue this stupid canon in d plays wuuut. In celebrity traitors of all the shows. Stupid song always punching in the feels. If someday I marry the love of my life I'll sneak in some earphones and play it for myself 😂. It's legit one of the few songs that just makes me emotional and gooey how very rude of it!
I don't even know any of these contestants. The premise of the show is so brilliant why aren't there normal intelligent contestants. It would be a brilliant social experiment. Ugh. Stupid canon. Taking me out of cheap thrills. I wish I could watch the UK one with Stephen Fry. Love that man!
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Omg now it's playing in some random yt vid wuuut. I can't escape this song today lmao ♥️ well, I'm happy, chase me always love! I love you so damn much!
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Djoko beat Z lol. I just knew he'd win today somehow. Ggs👍🏼
