Twitch giving jumpscares early morning. When did it decide to start sending notifs again? Lol. Crazy. 

And heyyyy ryba won while I slept lol. Woohooo. Ggs. 

Lol. As predicted M is now trying to send me these oh but I recant my apology texts. I'm not really having any reaction beyond understanding that she can be angry too at some stuff I said. Which I expected tbh. But yeah. I'm not sure how much to clarify and how much to ditch because honestly like where do you even go from this point. It's just going to be ultra bad blood no matter how you slice it. Well, let's see. Either just fight it out or just say fuck it or do both lol. Whatever man. Part of what I said might be cuz I was angry but not one thing was untrue or embellished. She doesn't get why any of those things bother me either and having to explain is so exhausting tbh. It's always some excuse or something shit so idk at the end of the day I don't see any regret or remorse so what's the point. 

Life will go on either way so there's that. I was a genuine well wisher and I have been sooooo attached to her and always tried to look out for her. That's the truth. So like all this is just like yeah whatever. I guess I'll put a pin in it for now and leave it be. Will circle back when ready. 

~

A few hours later and I kinda feel calm and okay tbh. Spoke to brother and yeah. Like this kinda immaturity would not have existed if the person I'm talking to had some conscience. I guess everyone has a choice to grow up or not and if they choose not to then that is on them. Hmmm... Idk I guess none of this is surprising and I hardly expect someone to change overnight. I'm sure some stuff I said seemed harsh but I did only point out what I saw, and felt. I know that if someone was being nasty to a friend of mine, I wouldn't idly sit by and make excuses. I also would never make the choices she did tbh. More than that what can anyone say anyway. Blah. It is what it is. It's time to just put all this aside from now. 

Why did I read the shirts Tiafoes team is wearing as " big hoe" 😭

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Z in finals too. He will win against either of these two. Bleh. Maaaybe shelley might try but 😶

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My skin is getting so wrecked in the sun I gotta start going to tennis early in the morning. Maybe 6.30 - 7.30 from now. No point baking in the sun as much as I enjoy the heat. Never seen such a weird patch on my hand before wtf man. I wish the court was indoor tbh. Would have been so much better. 😕 I enjoy playing but sun damage is not worth it. Total sun burn despite having sunscreen. 😞

Warli love

 Number of talented people out there is just far too many. 

The artforms from my native state and it's just so intricate. I find it interesting how I've always had an affinity for details and geometry and rocks and all of that is native to the the place I was born at.

That last blue one though damn. Just beautiful execution. I will try recreating it for myself. It's just gorgeous in it's intricacy. 

AI solved the navier stokes conjecture. Wtf yo. That's an insanely scary level of intelligence. Hurtling into the abyss with no guardrails. It's pretty much the end of a lot of professions asap. Idk where we would be in 5 years ngl. Well, no use worrying. Onwards to more human stuff. Like why is Zverev still playing every time slot i can watch. 😭

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I noticed today how some people are so naturally caring. This one dude at tennis always just comes by to help with the ball bucket etc whenever I carry it. It's so damn nice. And I know he is simply doing it cuz values, nothing else. I bet he is a great father to his kid too. It makes me happy to see men like these. There's just an understanding of niceness which makes me feel relaxed. I've started looking at these traits with a lot of affection now. More of this in life please!

~ 

In general the community there is really sweet and warm. I'm glad I joined. I really do. I like the interactions and the camaraderie and most of all I love the sport. I hope it remains a lifelong habit from now. 

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And I got myself an RG coloured shirt omg. I'm so happy with that. Just the colour of rust that I love. Can't wait to wear it!! And my arm sleeves to hide from the sun holy moly my skin is suffering and how. Need to play in a face mask or something. 

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Imma watch the Micheal documentary at dinner. Hope it's good. Somehow all biopics just get butchered. Lmc. Atleast the songs will be great! 

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I'm suddenly calculating and all wtf. How. What has changed in me in these two days? V sus. Mated down a queen and it was so nice. Weird. I don't trust this new found ability. 

Women's tennis is so much more exciting now than mens. I like Gauff soooo much. And also Ryba. Lmao. How to root for one? 😭

This is so troubling. In like the best way! Go girls!

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I kinda always low key end up listening to some people. Always. Idk why but I juuust do. Like rn I've been irritable for a few days so I felt like maybe going and getting a drink and then I didn't. Fuck it. I'll just play some blitz 😤

It's about time I level up somewhere sheesh. 

~

Oh hey I'm 2069 blitz now. And it was not very effortful just idk 😐. I donot understand this game at all. Now I'm 2092. All time high. Weird. 

This is what gambling must feel like just be on a hot streak then wish to play mo mo mo

Eyyyy omg. Dude. Okay I can't help but laugh at this what the fuck lmao. Incorrigible.

Heh. Okay time to go buy some new clothes for tennis. After so long my wardrobe is again turning into tennis stuff hehe. Such fun!

And a lemon hybrid fell on me today from the tree too. Feels so cute lol. Life gave me a 🍋 

Awake at 4 am and a bird is perched right outside my window and chirping. This is so sweet. First a katydid, now a bird. Nature is visiting. It feels lovely. 

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Omg and a peahen also flew into the gardens. Awww. How nice to seeeeee. Animals are the best. 

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Should have a nice day now, seeing as I've had such cute visitors. 

Omg alcu always giving jump scares like why man. Always. Oof. His matches are tooooooo hard for me lol. Dropping sets making comebacks ooof. 

Shelleys fighting spirit is what I've always loved about him. Glad he isn't just serve botting. I am 💗 it! 

This one is yours shelley let's goooooo! 

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Oh hell yeah!!! Did it! Ooof. Relentless he be. And he lasted more than a minute Woohoo 🎉 🥳 

Leafy affairs

 Omg what a cute visitor I have. Omggggg. 

First time I've seen a katydid. 🥺♥️

Is summer returning or what? Good god the sun is shining like it's celebrating something. 

Yeah I have no energy for playing today. I'm going to just skip. Found it so tough to fall asleep last night as well. That was weird. Usually I'm out by 11.30 these days. What is robbing my beautiful sleep?

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Why is it only Wednesday? Feels like a Monday. Imma snooze more until the grumps subside 😬

Goodnight world!

Every morning I wake up and there's zverev playing. Every time! Lol. Why are there no other players 😭

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Bashed some nice balls today booyea. I'll go everyday this week until I transform into sampras 😬🥸😌

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Also stupid come around forehand sheesh. Tf was that drill. Useless. Sampras would never need it. 💪🏼 Bunked fitness session also lol. Oopsies. 

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I wanna see Gauff and Ryba and Zheng all of them. I like all so much it's so hard to pick between them all. Esp Gauff and Ryba. Ugh. Choices, choices.

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Maybe I'll finish Midsommer today

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Yaaay ryba won!! Hope Nosko also wins! 

Day 2 of successfully keeping self busy complete. 💪🏼😎

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Still up at 1.45 am. After ages. 

Let's just play some good chess for a bit. 

Lord, let me consider the opponents move atleast in SOME games. PLEASE! 🙏🏼 🥺 

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Nvm those were some spectacularly bad ones wow. Just unreal levels of fuckery. I am amazed at my lack of skill. 

Hmmm. Long day. I'm a bit tired. Good. 

It's been more than two weeks since I spoke to M. I guess it's the first time in years I haven't had some form of daily contact with her. As per usual she just disappears when there's something bad happening. I don't even have any patience left for this behaviour tbh. It's the same pattern since uni. She broke up with her ex then disappeared for months, he got married... She did the same thing. Husband... Same and now this. It's like any adversity just prompts a flight response. And when look at it, it just shows me a person that's so selfish and all about themselves. And in this instance she was the one crossing lines with me. Like for months. Making jokes like my mum dying will leave me money and all that rot. It was such an unholy thing to say and she just did. With him it's more calculated, like he is desperate to act like he is smart and can't stand the idea that he isn't so he needs to actively devalue people around him. And in the long run I suppose that's actively worse. 

It's like I can't even expect a half decent, normal person response here. It's always had to be me to pick up pieces and be around, never been from her side. Ironically, I barely even told her anything. I just said leave it, I know you don't mean it multiple times. 

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I'm kind of relieved tbh. The sheer negativity of the stuff she said and her bf did is very great. I told myself I'll take a few weeks and then think about stuff and yeah even now I just don't really feel anything positive towards her. I remember once ordering food for them at her place. And her bf brought it out the next day to share. I took a bite and kept the fork back and he made her hold it in her hand while he eats cuz pretending like he is so pure he can't allow for someone else's cutlery to touch his food. After bringing the food out in a sharing plate instead of individual ones but hey how else can you show off your purity. And she just did it. It was such a low quality, regressive move. Like those people who think they are pure and others are impure. Wild to do that while eating the food your own guest bought for you. Uneducated guy, doesn't have any money or stability in life. Uses her, and then pulls this shit. And then pretends to be deaf when she speaks because of he is so elite that she is below his notice. Lol. Nuts. 

Told my brother and he said just leave it. He was telling me about some girl in his uni who was dating an abusive dude who beat her up and she would keep going back to him. It's insane how women do that. 

The thing that annoyed me in our conversation was her attempting to put it on me saying you also don't like him and you guys haven't gotten along from the start and then saying she doesn't know context for all the other stuff I was trying to tell her. 

Like come on man. How can you possibly defend such a guy? Sheesh. 

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I don't know what to say anymore. I've always felt protective towards her cuz she seems so fragile. But now I just feel like oh come on growing up sometime!!! We are in our mid 30s like atleast by now you should have changed and grown enough to deal with things a bit better. Like you can't play the innocent angel when you are actively meeting a married ex while his wife is having miscarriages man. That's just so utterly beyond heinous I can't even compute it. Idk how someone can ever justify that to themselves.

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Bottom line for me is just that I don't really wish to deal with bullshit, nor do I wish to waste time on people who behave in this insulting way. I can't do it. It's not even like I have fun around them, it's just boring and there's so much obnoxiousness and negativity it's unbearable. I'm always on edge there cuz I know either he or she will say some bullshit. So I suppose that's that. 

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Never thought 17 odd years of knowing someone would end this way but here we are. It feels icky but honestly I don't wish to hold on or save anything here. I wanted a genuine apology that addresses all this and even that did not really come about fully. It was just excuses for his behaviour and dodging. And now this running away from everyone. Just whatever dude. People cannot babysit you forever.  I don't want to. 

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Life needs a good revamp. That's all. 

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What I want is people to connect with at a decent level where you don't have to deal with all this tbh. Otherwise it's fine. I can simply do my own thing and finish projects and meet new folks and do tournaments and explore where life takes me further. I'd honestly just rather spend my time on things that bring me joy and make me feel productive. Let's just bring all these negative old chapters to a close now. 

Amen. 🙏🏼

Whew! What a day. So damn fast time is flying. But then it stopped at 3 pm to catch a breath and started crawling. So far so good. Slow down my lovely. Crawl crawl crawl.

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