Writing out my thoughts made me think of how peeps on that channel used to discuss this stuff and a couple of them used to talk about how everyday it was to have dirty fights and volatile people. 

You have got to have nerves of steel to not let this shit impact you if that's your daily reality. 

Wild.

What you should have is common sense to give stuff like this a wide berth the minute you encounter it tbh. It's so not worth the time and energy. Whew. Glad it's finito. 

~

I'd rather waste time on chess or some such tbh. Much better way to spend the day. Except when you lose lose lose that's a special hell in itself lol. 

~

Oh hey I got my 21 back. Now I can go back to sucking at regular chess woohooo

I feel like I've lost my liking for people, esp dramatic ones. I used to see this same trait in a lot of adults when I was a kid and now I also am slowly getting it. Esp backstabby people. I remember someone giving me this entire lecture on how to navigate friendships and learning as you go. I ended up choosing friends based on stupid shit. And I guess I was a bit of a doormat. Even now. I don't hate M, but at the same time... I kinda feel sad that I didn't prioritise myself earlier. Should have just walked a couple of years ago. Or atleast kinda kept her at a distance. The way she declined to take any accountability for her bfs actions and her own. It wasn't even surprising for me, I just knew that's how it'll go and it'll end up. And the way people just go no you, no you. That kind of deflection is so telling. No accountability just deny and then try to argue and blame shift. Earlier, I used to not want to deal with that behaviour. Now I'm just like yeah fuck you. And like... The irony of all that behaviour never ceased to amaze me. She moved into her sister's home, her sister's husband made room for her, and she claims sister is using her to take care of her child. She would keep nitpicking A also, who is such a good guy. How do you lack loyalty towards your own siblings to this extent. The irony of being an aunt petunia who sits around pretending that the sister is bad all because everyone likes her and this one is jealous. Seeing that trait had always made me wary, it's very backstabby. And come to think of it, she keeps trying to devalue everyone in her life but also clings to them. What a horrible person to have in life. I can't imagine hosting my brother in my house for years and then him hating me while chilling in my house. What a vile thing to do. It's so ghoulish. 

I used to try and be understanding. The honest truth is that I've always seen her entire personality just revolve around the idea of being some victim in every scenario. She says stuff like... Mum and sister brainwashed me before college then my personality became weak etc. For idiotic conversations that every household has with their kids before uni. And every kid forgets by week one of the new semester. I also used to feel bad cuz her resentment of her sister is just rooted in feeling like she was overlooked. So like accepting blame would mean having to actually accept that if people dislike her it's cause her behaviour is what alienates them. But like who tf clings to this bullshit in adulthood. It's all just so stupid man. Like take some responsibility for your own shit, come on!

And now I'm like yeah fuck you to hell dude. Marrying into families that make money from prostitution, having affairs with dudes whose wives are planning babies and dealing with miscarriages. How can you be this vile and not feel any guilt? None whatsoever? The casualness with which she shared that had knocked me sideways. It was like it didn't even matter to her. And all the time she kept claiming he keeps coming on to her. Then asking him to send sweets when his baby is born. What a truly unholy, demented person you gotta be for this to be your reality. It was scary for me cuz I just end up distrusting the world more and more. The idea that some woman like her enters my marriage is beyond fucked up for me. Feel like crossing myself at the very thought good lord.

After all this I still tried to do the right thing from my pov tbh. I knew she would hate me for it, but I felt like her bf is so toxic and such a user that I should say it. I just didn't want it on my conscience that I could warn that person and I chose not to. In the end, idk if it was right or wrong but whatever. I don't regret saying it. If your partner is so nasty that someone who has had your back to 17 years decides to not see you, and you don't even apologise then that's just wild. I guess I was just like that ex she uses for attention. Halfway through the conversation I realised wow I don't ever want to be around folks who don't take responsibility. Esp when you tell them someone did something wrong and they just try to blame you for it or act as if it's not a big deal. That's a huge red flag. I should have seen that when she kept meeting that married guy and then saying oh he only comes and oh he threatened me etc. Lame asf. 

Funny thing is I don't know if I'm even angry. How does one be angry when the person behaves in such a predictable way? Complete dog shit, that's all it was. This kinda shit and all the nonsense she said esp comments about my aunt's passing were absolutely crazy and vile. I don't think there's any forgiving that ever. Meh. She can crawl into whatever gutter she wants, honestly. I hope one day life teaches her the lesson she so clearly deserves to learn. Some people genuinely need that, and she is one of them. Life needs to give people like these one tight whack to get a good hard reality check. Hope it happens sooner than later. 

~

After today, I do not want to think of this person ever. Good to just get it all out of my system. 

Donezo. Samapti. Swaha. 

 Freiren and Witch Hat Atelier. I need to check them both out. 

I really loved the first ep of Witch hat, it almost seems Ghibli like in its production quality. People are so goddamn talented man. Seriously

~

Japanese folks are insanely talented. Just on episode 2 and already I can see how incredible the world building here is. How man howwww. How someone can be so damn good 😊

It says 13 days to periods but it feels like the mittelschmerz have already set in. Lol. What a joy it is! 

~

This stupid bot thing really irritates me. 

Howell playing again lol. So much for degeneracy, I love it. I enjoy seeing his games, but endgames I can tell what he is upto. Always saving all pawns and ending counterplay for others. He must be a bit type A tbh. How very interesting to wonder if the playstyle gives away something about the player. I wish I knew enough chess to know if I'm right haha. Sadly, I do not. 

~

My leg is finally feeling a little better. Maybe next week I can play? Ugh. Pls 🥺

It's incredibly windy and rainy rn. I love it. Feels so beautiful outside. Few times a year the weather just pivots to something absolutely smashing and I love love love being outside. Or in my balcony as I am rn. Hehe. There's something about the winds that is so freeing tbh. Just gorgeous.

~

Winds are truly my fav element. Just sweep on by, carry me with you sometime. How I wish we could fly!

Waking up at 3 am these days just for a bit. I feel super wide awake too, like it's time to go brush my teeth lol. What to do, what to do. Maybe try reading, that'll put me to sleep in under two mins. 

~

Weird intrusive thoughts pop up during this time. Like I noticed it's 15th oct and then remembered it's close to a year since danya passed. Feels so strange all over again. :( 

I feel queasy about this stuff always. Hmmm. 

~

Fitful dreams and weird sleep post 5 am. Of wanting to reach some place with some tennis guests and not being able to. The courts were lovely though. Green and red. 

~

Howell is still playing that's nuts... I fell asleep around 4.30 watching his games and now he is still going. Wish he commentated them more often, he has remarkable clarity of thought. I appreciate that. Maybe I'll watch some more rn. I have a feeling there'll be one clash I see. Caution vs let's fucking go! Haha. 

~

Lol. And what a coincidence, it happened... Good fun. Atleast he made him think 🤔 . Out of all the games I saw, this one deffo had Howell ji thinking and playing. Nice nice. Howell is a beastie so that's quite good tbh. 

I wonder if games like these also help the players understand the inaccuracies they make. Something to think about later. 

 Omg I feel a tad bit better. Fuck, do I dare hope I can go play tomo? Ugh. How much longer do I have to rest? Can't I just do a half hour workout? Do I dare? 🥺

Being stuck watching series cuz I can't move is not my idea of fun. East of Eden leaves me grumpy, it just feels like some dudes fantasy of a woman who screwed him over so now he gotta turn her into a villian. I'm in general just tired of these dated narratives of people playing the victim all the time. It's pretty annoying. 

No wonder I prefer star wars and andor and such tbh. I like stories where people attempt to do the right thing. I'm discovering this bias bigtime now. And I'd rather stick to these genres. Maybe I should finally watch rocky. Haha. It is suuuch a deeply male film though. I've always avoided it cuz it feels suuuper guy film like. Dudes and machismos. Guys will love all this fighting and such. Adorable how they just get so into it. That thought just makes me smile in affection tbh. 

~

Maybe I'll check out some old stuff. Or idk maybe I'll just lay here and toss and turn out of grumpiness. 

~

I want to go and playyyyyy :(

I am so unwell it's unreal. Just not able to move properly. Back and hip are completely out of order. It's been more than a decade of this injury being in remission and it pops up now. Damn. Idk what to do. Couldn't even walk a few steps on my own for a bit. :(

I'm too slow, too weak, body hurts, everything sucks. Don't want a pill, can't go and play, don't even feel like going out, should probably be outside. Chess sucks, everything sucks. Wail, wail, wail and ugh, ugh, ugh. I hate everything today. So saddddddd😑

~

A lifelong love

Life stays in balance when I play tennis. Just a week's rest and I'm already feeling a bit irritable and not as happy as I was when playing. That's wild. But also amazing to me. 

~

I also am discovering that watching tv during free time ends up feeling annoying over a period of time. I don't like this vegetable state of staring at a show. Action is greater than inaction. 

~

I don't know who I dreamt about last night, but the presence was so soothing and nice tbh. I really loved that. 

What a horrible chess day like truly bad.

~

I had loved mice and men. I didn't expect east of eden to be what it is. Hate it, truly. This whole trope of woman bad ruins everyone is so damn lame. No thank you. 😭

~

Talking to mum about K and how much we admire certain outlooks of hers. I really do find her approach to life to be great. Navigating a long distance marriage for the time being isn't easy but the thing I love about some conservative folks is how they have this stable foundation of ' this is my person, I made this choice, now what comes our way is something we have to deal with as a unit. ' I myself am like that so I truly appreciate the groundedness. 

I feel like as I'm getting older I have started gravitating towards folks that are similar in values and it's something that I hope sticks. I don't wish to be around anyone who is straying from that. Just now I was checking some post on reddit and it was about ibd and someone was talking about their experiences and I caught myself reading keenly, then googling, then suddenly catching myself and going hey I don't need to care. It made me chuckle a bit at the thought that no matter how awful the person, my instincts are always to care about their well-being. Guess taming that instinct would serve me well. For the time being. I'd love to experience the joy of just being in a stable equation so I can fully allow these traits to flourish and feel a sense of safety in doing so. Oh well. Until such time lemme just so my own thing. 

And now the beginning of the second part is just annoying me sheesh. It's the same thing like men wanting their sister in law and fancying girls that aren't their wives. Like. I refuse to believe all guys are like this. What a saaaad thought. I bet if they felt their wives were looking at all other dudes the same way, they'd be livid. 

~

"She’s a good woman, he thought. The kind of woman whose goodness is oppressive"

I'm rolling my eyes haaaard at this like. God, what a loser this yeung ho dude is ugh.

~

Atleast I'm reading a book in one sitting like old times. Clink clink🥂

~

She uses initials like I do. And there's an M, a J and now a P in the book. Well. Oops.  This second half is just a weird porno. Why do Asian novels have this fixation on sex? I find the same elements in Japanese books too. Just this weird desperately craving forbidden sex. It's not even attractive to me at this point just like eeyeah ok.  That empty feeling when the fantasy wears off and all you are left with is mundane. That's how this feels rn. 

I wish i'd just stopped reading at the first half tbh. 

I feel like having a drink tonight and just binging this book. There's this truth in it that is so commonplace. The lack of compassion that underscores the lives of so many women. I hated it growing up and I hate it just as much as an adult.  

~ 

Little things stick out to me so much these days tbh. Like that guy at tennis practice who is always so considerate. He just needs no prompting at all. It was a weird contrast in my mind to the time M once talked about some women he saw playing pickleball and instantly said something insulting to them. It reminded me of A so much. He would also want to insult women he wished to speak to and then try to show off in front of them like look, look I'm so good at this. People like that exist more and more. Ones who will just be sweet and do it instinctively now just stand out to me for whatever reason. Maybe it's just low self esteem in people like A who wish to be admired. I semi puke at the idea of anyone admiring that dude. Nah, I fully, whole heartedly puke at the idea of anyone admiring that moron. Seriously like. 🤢🤮 

This book is interesting to me in the sense that it describes how a looot of folks will see women as people who need to fulfill some role. That's it. Not a person whose feelings should be cherished. 

Raise your kids well, ladies. It matters how you raise them and who they end up being. Some folks turn out well despite bad parenting but so many more would be great if they just had a good,wholesome childhood. That's very important.