You betcha betcha

Two things that sound wonderful. The dog upstairs walking around with the pitter patter of his feet, and the sound of rain falling outside. Ofcourse, some days I think its rain only to find that stupid pigeon perching on the chimney and tapping at it 💀 

~ 

Trying to mitigate pms this evening with boston legal reruns because why not.  It's such a fun show, the 2000s had some of the nicest shows on telly. I should watch freaks and geeks too, I loved that so much! Just wanna cuddle something, eat something chocolatey and hope the cramps don't get worse. Hehe. Monthly issues. I would love to be next to someone watching this today tbh. It's so nice to snuggle sometimes. Even a dog would do rn hahah. I should make friends with the upstairs neighbour so I can dog sit or something lol. Oh but cleaning poop eww yukky. Hmmm. I need to find a guy as senti as me lol. I want some babying rn. 💁🏼‍♀️🤺 I suppose I want someone I can rely on now... There was a time I wanted 3 kids also lol. Before I knew what labor looks like 💀.  I feel like if you love someone then a child is a very lovely way to create something that's a part of both of you. But the idea of pregnancy scares the fuck out of me ngl. Life is such a gamble, isn't it? For some folks atleast. The couples who are in love I think got it right. That's nice. I'm really happy about that. It makes my heart easy to see that tbh. So basically dogs and kids and someone to cuddle haha. And throw in some chocolate cake during pms ooohh la la. Yumzies. 

~

Trifonov - Jesu, joy of man's desiring

Trifonov is not overrated at all! Piano, I love you. Le beauty of Bach! 

A lifetime would not be enough to study music. How does one study infinity anyway? All I can do is marvel at it. 

~

I was reading Pascal's wager and in all the rationality, I couldn't help but think why don't you speak of music, it connects to something divine without trying. I raise thee all of music Pascal san, and I dare you to be rational in the face of it. 

Idk if the irritation I'm feeling is just pms or something else but Jesus I'm soooo irritable. Good lord I'll be like those insta losers who say running for mental health soon 🙄🙄. So fucking lame. Hot, annoyed and thirsty asf. 

~

Lmao howell is grinding bullet now haha. Fuck. Ok this cheers me up. I just really love that level of degen gaming hahah fuck. Fucking therapeutic. Good stuff. 27 to 3k is an INSANE skill difference. I can't even imagine how sharp someone at 3k must be. Getting just 3 points for wins too. Unreal. 

~

I need a shower 😤🙄

Cold and rainy again oh hell yeah! Fuck I am so goddamn happy rn!

Ugh. Almost walked into a child while typing this lmao. Careful!!

~

Damn now I finally, FINALLY feel like working out a bit. Oof. Oh god I love this weather soooo much! It's so pretty!!

~

Found a really nice chess series after so long. Wow, its legit so eye opening. Heh. Maybe I'll finally learn something. I am struck by how fantastic it is. Beautiful. 

Sinner is on such a solid streak. I like him so much. Was funny to see people thinking zverev would get him lol. No chance. Wish there were a few more players who could though .

~

And I have so much running around to do today yucks. I despise mindless errands so much lol. But what to do. One has to get em doneeee. I am excited for this month, I think I'll be able to finish a bunch of stuff. That's cool. Finally huh. 

Gooey

It's funny when you look at someone with affection, and everything about them seems so endearing. Maybe I'm a senti sap but I really feel so gooey and nice when I notice tiny things about someone. I recall what a colossal grumps this guy used to be and I just found it soooooo amusing and endearing like he just goes through life frowning half the time. Hahah. Omg. I would just MELT for you. And I always wanted to joke around and mess about lots cuz idk ... I guess in my own way I wanted to just pull you out of that perpetual funk and be happy. Heh. I adored you man. Oh well. Oops. 

2nd May already ugh. Wut is happening. Lying in bed playing poozles feels great ngl. It's hot outside and I don't want to even step foot in the sun, but right here right now is just so nice. 

This week has been peaceful in a strangely hectic way. Felt like a break from everything tbh. Sometimes it takes just a small catalyst to turn a corner. I've always believed that, it's nice to see it play out once in a while. Back to poozles, can I make it to 2200? I think I can if I think and play. What a challenge. 💀

~

I wanna watch some movie 🍿. Hail mary was great but there's nothing else exciting on. Meh. I don't wanna drink either. Wut to dooooo. Maybe I should sleep early and go for an early morning drive. That might be nice. 

~

Do I miss people when my periods are drawing close? 😂🤔

Feels a lil bit like that rn. Ugh. Oi vey indeed, how to banish from thoughts? 

~

Poozles were fun I actually calculated stuff for once and only lost those I didn't hehe. That's progress. Of some sort. Maybe. 

~

Stupid new lichess app, I don't want to play on it :(

Ugh. It sucks. Stupid upgrading of things. 

*Pouting*

Everything is stupid. 

~

Took a break after a long time, it feels surreal also lol. Weird, huh? Haven't even seen games just poozles today. I didn't miss it for once. Wow. Stunning. Haha, I say this rn and I'll find myself in a pile of degen gaming at 3 am some night. 

I feel so unmotivated rn tho. Someone dangle a carrot for me pls. 

Yawns

I can't believe this week is already gone what the fook. Helping with wedding shopping etc has made the time simply zoop by. And I legit do not enjoy it at all. Hahah, suffer through it is more like. Oh well. I've never enjoyed attending any either, it just feels so boring. Even my own friends' weddings where I had to emcee lol. I can't believe I used to be totally up for that. It was fun to get people to laugh along from the stage though. All those aunties asking me if I've done it professionally. That was a riot! 

Ugh. But these uber traditional ones zomg. No thank you! Old ladies consider it their birthright to come ask you when you planning to marry like brother! 

~

Trying to struggle through these dan pikey comics and I fail to understand why they are so popular. It's so simplistic, I get it's on purpose but still. The level of reading has lowered over time. It makes me sad. I always thought progress meant upwards and onwards but this just is the opposite of that. 

~

It is may already wuuuut. Why, why, why?

~

I am BORED

And there's thunder. Long overdue! Thank heavens! We need the rain!

~

Welp. It barely rained nvm. 

Some days I find my mind boggling at the kind of stuff people say and do and how it almost never strikes them as weird. 

 

I never react in the moment but later on it all stays with me. And then I don't particularly know how to react again. 

This weekend, M let slip that her ex had a baby, and he wanted to send her sweets. Then she said his wife had had prior miscarriages. And I was just sat there thinking wow. Like. You were having an affair with a dude whose wife was having a miscarriage? Multiple ones I think she said. Or maybe I misremember. And she she told me she thought there must have been something wrong cuz they hadn't had a baby for so long, and asked him how come he hadn't told her. 

At the time I heard it all, and after she left it's all been sinking in like what in the world. What the actual fuck. How... HOW can you expect someone to tell you their wife is losing a baby and how are you just sitting there discussing it like it's some mild info. What kind of a fucked up person can you be to be inserting yourself in that marriage and now just so nonchalant. Fuck dude. It's scary to me how divorced some people can be from their actions. I don't get it at all. She is beyond any help, honestly. 

~

I'm not going to spend more time and energy on any of this any longer, but I just want to take a moment to let the wtf feeling go away. 

I feel so bad for that guy' wife. I really do. Imagine sending your mistress or whatever the fuck she is rn sweets. So scummy. I am very, very disturbed and uncomfortable with this. It's a man's job to be loyal to his partner and protective of his wife, but women like these are no better. If the kids ever find out, it'll be so sad. Yuck. Right in this moment, I purely loathe these people. 

~

My dislike and aversion to marriage was rooted in seeing my folks being stuck in a toxic dynamic, but I never realised how much worse it can all be. I feel bad for kids who need to bear the burden of the fuck ups of their parents. I'm so, so, so sorry for them. I promise to never compromise on my love and my protectiveness towards my family, and I pray I only end up with someone who feels the same love, responsibility, and protectiveness towards me. 

As much as I have cared for M all these years, these few years have shone a light on such gross traits that I do not know how to come to terms with them. I suppose I have to find a way to stuff these thoughts into a box and pretend it doesn't exist. 

I am so sick of discovering such shitty ugly faces of the world man... I really am. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. 

I find myself craving a nice cold tart orange. Yums. How do people not love citrus? Ooof. 

There's something so lovely about it, esp when it's hot outside and you take one out the fridge. Absolutely divine. It's the best 3 pm snack ever! 

Funnily enough, even all the scents I prefer have blood orange essence listed as a core ingredient. I remember doing an analysis of all fragrances I prefer and ones that lacked this smell I didn't like. Even my senses are consistent in their loyalty. 😁 🤭

This makes me happy ngl. 

~

I should start playing long time controls. I feel a sense of dread about that already zomg. Have to take time and think, oh the horror! Eeyuck.

~

Even my run is done now what's my excuse? Ugh. Hehe. I really doubt I'll play today but let's see! 

Craving that orange even more now. Am I low on vit c? 💀

Finding it so hard to wake the fuck up today. Eyes are refusing to open. Am I sick? What's with all this slowness? 

~

Have a lot to do today. I feel some nice change in the air, which feels good ngl. 

~

Going to put cold cucumber on my eyes. Just to feel fancy and wake upppppp. 

~

Ugh. Everytime I see this person lose I get annoyed. Well, good thing is it wakes me up hahah. Annoyance is the key to alertness. So frustrating. 

Hehe maybe that's why I was like a chershire cat this weekend, nothing to be annoyed at so got lazy. Oh fuck that's actually it huh? Hahahha. Locus of drive is external. I see, I see.

~

Records | Sub 2 🥇🏅

....I suppose are meant to be broken.

Sub 2 broken and done twice the same day. What in the world dude. What a debut and still came second. Oh boy. And Kiptun's old record broken too! All in the same rac! Jees. Insane what the human body and mind can do. 

How TF does someone run a 10k in just under half an hour!!! Zomg. I cannot.

The mind is boggling!! Endurance sports have my deepest respect.

~

And here I sit, just tired out from doing nothing of note this weekend except waking early. Hehe. Running has this wonderful feeling of vanishing all dumpy, lazy feels. Consecutive days without kinda end up making days feel drummy and strange. There was a time when I used to look for weekends to unwind but now I prefer days where I follow a routine post chilling tbh. I look forward to it, it makes me happy. That's so fucking adult it makes me low key laugh at myself. I've always yearned for that though, to look forward to things I wish do spend time on, as opposed to being stuck doing things I dislike.

We bitched about D and one of M's friends too. It dawned on me how absolutely trash D is. 

After a long, long time I spent a lot of quality time with M. In the moment it felt good. I have always held so much love for her, that it felt nice after a shit ton of time to just be in a peaceful space with her. Without her stupid loser bf lol.  I think he is the problem everytime. Her friend compared him to her own husband who is yet another deadbeat and M was looking at me to maybe say nay he isn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do so. 💀. I wouldn't have cared if the guy was nice but hmmm. Well, everyone has to pick the path they want in their lives. What to say. 

Que sera sera. Always falling back on thee. 

~

I've been fairly silent all day, it's like I'm just recalibrating from talking all weekend lol. Strange, I enjoy writing but actually talking has become a lot less for me. Or rather, being silent has become a lot more common for me. What a turn! 

Old lichess app is phased out. I feel sad about this ngl. :( I do not like changing looks on apps don't modernize my tech pls. 

Wow a weekend of pure chilling. Hehe. It feels nice to take a break from the daily routine. Feels good. Lying around scrolling reels like kids. Found a pop up market, bought stupid shit, ate rolls and momos and then watched documentaries. Tried fixing cooler, got dust everywhere.

What a silly day, I loved every minute of it. I'm tired in the best way today