Nothing like a good night's sleep and cold orange juice in the morning to feel chirpy lol. For some reason I love putting my face against a cold bedsheet and breathe in the freshly laundered smell of it. Never fails to make me happy. Hehe.
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Starting the day looking at this cutie. Zomgz. I love Aussie Shepards, they are soooo cute and cuddly. Just wanna squish him niiiicely. Loook at that cute innocent face aaaaaa... Just love him. Nametag says G. G for GOODBOI.
Some dude cussed me out and called me a whore and dmed me that repeatedly yesterday and kept asking where I'm from. Pretty sure he would have said something racist too if I told him. It didn't register then but later I was like wtf yo. What kinda people do this shit? Reported him straight up but sheesh. Actually feels gross. Imagine if I was some kid how bad they would feel. Esp girl kids. It's so sick dude. Toxic culture.
Had a v interesting conversation with my friends today. How none of us have an issue being the primary breadwinner in a household if push comes to shove. I'm so proud of my lady friends tbh. This was barely a thing back in the day when people felt women should not work etc. And now, not only do most earn a lot, they out earn their partners too.
I was wondering where I stand in this. On one hand, I'm not materialistic in the sense that Idgaf as long as my needs are met. Having a decent life, being able to pay for things I consider normal is a must. But beyond that, I don't care. And yet, I would probably not fall for someone who isn't ambitious in my eyes. Like it's not even about how much they earn, but they have to have some sense of purpose in life. I will never fall for someone lazy or someone who is not a go getter in some form. Idc if it's ina field that doesn't pay much, say academia for eg. But they gotta want to do something that they consider significant. Beyond that, I wouldn't care. And on the other hand, if I had a more lucrative gig, I wouldn't really care about it as long as our values align. It's the same with Meg and Di and even A for eg. That's one thing I love about them all. They are all v gorgeous, which brings a certain social clout with it, yet they all chose partners that are similar to them in values and nothing else. I really, really love that. Even for me, while I've always only dated people I considered ambitious and smart, at the end of the day the differentiator has always been if values align or not. I never wanted to get married earlier, but now that I have overcome those weird fears around marriage, the idea of a traditional marriage does appeal to me. I don't want to be smarter than my partner or see him as less than me, for sure. So that probably does fall in a more traditional dynamic. But I would never ever settle for someone who doesn't have the same core values as I do, no matter whatever else their social circumstance. And I'm genuinely happy about that. Arrogant as it may be, I've looked down on many a business family kid cuz I always felt they were loserish to only depend on their family's wealth which they had no hand in attaining. Never once would I settle for idiots like that. But someone who is genuinely ambitious, smart, loyal....oh man. That alignment of values will deffo win me over. And the rest, I would deal with. Like idc about their past, Idc if they aren't the most romantic and all of that shit. I'm practical at the end of the day and I want a marriage to work if I decide to marry. And I'll do my best, which includes making sure he feels like a king and is happy with me. But what I won't accept is shitty behaviour. That's the deal. And in some sense all marriages are a give and take and this is simply what I'm happy to offer the man in my life. Loyalty, love, longevity. But in return he has to offer me stability, respect and consideration. I think that's a fairly good start point. Relationships are hard, but the ingredients that go into making them successful are a bedrock or consideration and a genuine desire to be the best for the other person and to take care of them. And it ties into my idea of a traditional man too. In a sense I like my men to have that sense of responsibility and stability. Wanting to take care of his family, being loyal, being nice... All that I want. Like K's marriage for eg. When they married, K was earning a lot more than A, was more mature. But he in turn was v good at being a good husband, being exceptional with her family, giving her that sense of security. And as he grew in his career, they had a kid, she took that role of a wife which is supportive of him. And today they are both grounded and happy. I want that for me as well. Love a good man, be supportive of him, and know that he is loyal to only me and is good to me and my dear ones. It's a simple ask, and I'd like that to be the norm for me. Hehe, who would have thought that an independent soul like me actually loves men who are rooted and grounded? But I do. Men like N actually. He may be a nutter when the stakes are low but his values I deeply admire. How he takes care of P, grounds her, takes care of their extended family everything. I love that. It's what I want too. Nothing flashy, but something that's enduring and people who have a long term view on life.
I love knowing the man I love is a bit old school, is protective of me, is concerned with ensuring me and our family have the best life he can provide for, and in turn I take care of him and us and our lil unit with all the fire and passion and dedication my soul can muster. It's what I truly want, just to be completely sure of him and his reliability and his love for me and I guess "us". Hehe, us. That would be absolutely fantastic. I'd love to finally find my one person and be able to truly belong to him - mind, body and soul. Idk anyone currently who fits that bill, or someone whose values and character are strong and steady to match mine, but I'm sure in due time I'll find the right match for me. I'm happy trusting that.
All the rest of it is just noise.
Playing pictionary and solving a puzzle lol. I love these random lazy sundays with games and watermelons lol. I feel so chill and nice rn. Discussing the hottest tennis player and I have no player I find hot lmao. Dayum. Idk who I'd wanna bang. Interesting. Oooo i know... Safin in that hot asf shirtless pic haha. Okay him. Wait let me find that pic.
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Man, those hands oof. What is it about a guys' hands that just turns me on? Dayum.
Hey look!
A song for Saturday!
Go ahead, shed that tear. Just the one.
~
Cuz I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me šµ
~
Reading some post about Kramnik playing under some other GMs username in money tourneys lmao. Why is the chess world so cringe at times man. It's just so childish and stupid to see world champions behave like idiotic children. So shameful. Someone said pathological liars are always paranoid that other people are lying cuz projecting and yeah. Sounds legit. In fact, most paranoid people seem to be that way to me. Something about always expecting the worst tells me that maybe they are willing to do the worst to people and hence afraid it'll happen to them. Sheesh. Talk about disquasting lol.
The interesting thing here was his statement where he goes on about trying to fight the good fight against cheaters. That is the fundamental problem with people who knight themselves as righteous, they'll do the crappiest things to others but consider themselves justified and even correct because they feel they are good or have good intentions. The shittiest actions I've seen people do, always have some flimsy justification in their heads due to entitlement or idk not having any capacity to self reflect. Pathetic to see tbh.
Still, he published his version of events and signed it off " with no respect ". Lmao. A 50 yo man child, but unintentionally funny.
Having someone root for you when you feel down, having people in your corner that want the best for you... Makes a world of a difference. Time and again I've seen how diff mindset can be when you feel like someone has your back and how comfortable and great it feels to be able to trust that implicitly. It's only when you feel like you have to fight the world that you feel weak.
After a long time, I have just stopped caring about stuff lol. Feels free and nice tbh. I feel very unencumbered. I don't like anyone, I don't care what anyone thinks, how they behave, nothing lol. Just totally done with that zone of life and I really don't want to give a shit about anything any longer. Guess I'm just emotionally exhausted and I never ever want to go back to this space again. I'm just doneeeee. Nyat. Nada. No thank you. š¤ŗ
Just wanna have some fun, chill with friends, do some work and that much feels enough for now. No more emotions or giving a fuck. Hehe, I actually just wanna create happiness of my own for a bit. Run lots, feel good in my mind and body, learn some new things, find new music, read more. Yeah.
Wow, I'm actually looking forward to life and living light hehe. This is nice.
Finding new variations of G Minor and they are all so lovely. Fuck dude. So absolutely pretty I can't even explain. I love music so much. So damn much. I don't even know why or what about it is so mesmerising but it's unbelievably enchanting. Plus I can be in the moment, and that feeling of being anchored to something is so lovely.
Floating by in this vast universe, earphones in, just listening to melodies.
Zoop.
My temperament is such that I can be veryyyyyy much like those fussy moms lol. Like you know... I told myself don't say anything, just let it be yada yada. And literally 12 hours later I'm harassing this guy to play and win and trying to tell him to cheer up. Lmao. He must really think I'm some nutter. I just don't leave it alone only. Max I can manage is 2-3 days and even that's a stretch. Idk what it is about problems it's like my mind doesn't rest until it solves it. Esp for people. They aren't even asking for my help or meddling but I'll only go and present myself and irritate them until they speak or something. Fuck. Guys pls love me lots my intentions are merely to keep you happy even if you are trying not to be. JUST LISTEN TO ME ZOMG.
Haha, fuck. I am not even remotely sorry for this you know. It is what it is. Just accept me for the meddler I am. Hopefully shrug off the more annoying bits with a smile. Cuz you... It's unlikely I stop. Unless they are actually annoyed and don't want me. Then I'll detach and stay away mostly. Hehe. I think I'm a weirdo sometimes.
Or maybe I'm just worrying overmuch and it's actually nothing. Might be sleeping with someone so spending nights and just taking it easy. Lol, this is probably just it and I'm probably an idiot for thinking it's something serious.
Meh. Time to immerse in Bach zomg.
Grandma seems to be doing okay. That's good. Dad will be relieved. Wonder if I should go visit too. Let's see. Maybe next week. First time in life I just don't want to. Beginning to really draw lines in life, aren't i? It's v unlike me to be this way but I just don't feel like it. Brother also hasn't called her. So much for shitty family dynamics, huh?
Talking to bro about life in general. It's so nice to see everyone we know doing well man. In legit happy for them all. It's great. I miss having him around though, but will visit him soon. Maybe can take an extended break and see if I can work from there. Would be fun, plan some good trips. Anyway he keeps travelling lol. Just been randomly meeting his friends in NYC and Arizona. I'd like to do a nice road trip with him. Man, if only life allowed for more flexibility. Would be great.
Permanent wfh would just rock. Seji is also with Netflix now. Wonder how their MLE team is. But deffo a good gig, should pay atleast half a mill a year. That's good money. Heard her mum died it was so gutting to hear man. Life is indeed short. Should make the most of it while you can.
I even deleted and muted a whole lot of random subs I was on, just the incessant trash people keep typing with their stupid life choices started getting to me lol. People are crazy man, just create a mess of their lives for no reason. All this new age bullshit about rampant cheating and broken relationships etc. Makes me realise how straight and narrow my outlook is about life. I'd never in a million years tolerate this toxicity. Bro was also telling me how he has started finding a friend of his toxic and how he realised a whole lot of people in his life are so rational and nice that he never saw this side of people before. But as his circle expands he sees this bullshit more and more. That's true. Even I've had a relatively sheltered experience and it was mind boggling to me how fuckall some people's lives and choices are, and I have no sympathy cuz they choose that shit. It's best to streamline tbh. I'm actually open-minded and non judgy about other people but in my own life I'm kinda conservative. Atleast most of my values are kinda old school. Helping friends, family, creating security etc. Even when it comes to sex, my approach is pretty conservative, in that I'm only intimate with people I trust and it's usually just long term stuff. Might be a bit boring but I guess in the long run I value fidelity and longevity so that makes me picky but also reliable. I've never actually whored around or done a whole bunch of stuff I've seen people around me do over the years. I always bail when someone tries this shit with me lmao. The number of dudes who thought they'll try their luck only to find me unrelenting. Some just hated me lmao. But fuck it. I never asked for bullshit. Even this last year on twitch taught me that tbh. A looot of people who frequent it are too nuts for me. I cannot imagine a life like that tbh. Just floating around screwing folks over. Even that racist chick yuck. What a low class, third grade person. Never understood how women reach that level of trashiness tbh. And she is so old, it just looks godawful when grown people act like that. It's stunning that someone can openly be that crass, like how much worse would you then be in your actual life. But idk, maybe desperation makes people debase themselves that way. I've never really known anyone be that level of desperate tbh, must be some issue. Still, that's no way to live imo. Lots to do in the world and being able to hold your own, having dignity is of prime importance. M is okay I suppose, but the large majority ... Good lord. Idk how he stays sane sometimes. Just day in and day out just incessant talks of infidelity, abusive behaviour, being subjected to what in my mind registers as sexual harassment. That bit I used to hate so much. Always made me think of ' what if some dude was making these statements to a girl? ' Like how gross would it be if some creepy, unhinged guy tells a lady on a broadcast... I'm in my bed in my underwear, or starts randomly telling them they are close to their city etc... it would be terrifying if some guy did that to me. Maybe men overlook it when it comes to women being that way idk. Male stalkers just seem more threatening maybe. I'd totally flip if some dude starts saying I'm near your place etc. Happened to me when I was a kid too, he would just call my landline relentlessly and it was so terrifying. And he was also older than me, fucking creep. For months he harassed me, I stopped going out to play in the evenings cuz I didn't want to run into him. Lol. Random fucked up shit. And in the end I also started judging M for all this and thinking he must be the same as them and her. Man, I was so angry that time. But I have let it go now, there's no point in speculating and I don't want to sit around thinking the worst of people. And no point in holding on to anger too.
Plus, I'm over all this negativity now. Hopefully, all the past bs is also behind us, I want a fresh start, no bullshit there also. The rest of it is moot. Not carrying any baggage anymore. Other peoples' choices don't dictate mine and they never have. So just gotta hold on to my centre and I'll be okay. Meg is right, can't keep looking at the worst and imagining it happening, just tighten your core boundaries and things will be fine.
I'm glad I'm like that and most folks I know are too. Makes me value the people I have, same as my brother too. Glad to see him also growing up, he is a total gem of a person. Blah. Time for a fresh start and time to be happy. Hehe.
This year I've started getting really restless. I want more experiences and fun in life. And be more busy. It's just fun to be on the go, everything else kinda falls in place then. Well, look forward to it. :)
Bach G Minor
~
Ugh. Discordant as my soul, tempest, temptress, pull me in.
This is the one song that can inspire every jazz artist out there with its yearning. Dammit. Ze violin weeps tonight, huh?
~
And yet
I like the piano version, nay, I love the piano version.
Makes my shoulders move on their own, make me dance dance dance dance dance and dance some more. š©°
~
Urgently, happily, teasingly, dramatically
Just the way I like to make love
Just the way I give in to all of you.
And I do, I always do.
~
Damn
This is actually a song I can make love to. Every beat is so right. Feels like every strong feeling I have is encoded in it somehow. That urgency in it is just right. Strong, but soft. No edges. The slight melancholy, like a cloudy day when it drizzles just a little bit. Green and Grey. I love those so much.
I'd like to think it's like me.
How do you do it Bach? How?
What is going on with this dude lately? So glooms and strange. Barely working, doesn't seem to be happy. I hope nothing serious. Weird.
Okay anyway, I asked what else can I even say. Up to him if he wishes to share. Can't just keep asking also it feels like hammering on a shut door lol. Or you know... maybe he is just doing it on purpose. Guys do that right, just treat you with indifference until you leave them alone? Maybe it's just that. Anyway, I am a bit tired of all this like I think if he doesn't want to ever open up even a little then I need to just let it go now.
I've finally reached a point of mental exhaustion to be honest and I can't keep giving all the time.
~
My granny is in the ICU, and has been for two days. And my mom doesn't even want to visit her because she was so awful to her, her entire life. Lol. What a shit person you gotta be to someone that even when you are in such a state, people don't want to come near you. Pathetic no. I think a lot of people do this shit, they'll just be toxic to the point where others simply want to stay the fuck away from you. How utterly utterly tragic it is to be this way man. And I've understood this throughout my life. If you give people the reins to be mean and nasty, they'll just be abusive till the day they die cuz that's all they know how to be. I understand what Meg once told me about her dad too. How he has so much arrogance and attitude that in the end he is a shitty person and her mum suffered her entire life. Even in old age, they are still stuck in that dynamic. I hate it, and I'm glad meg broke the cycle and picked a good dude to be with. I will too. I'm not living my life on scraps of affection or attention or being taken for granted or being around people like half my shitty family. Fuck all that.
Meh. Idgaf, I'll be happy and do my own thing.
The ethical frameworks people adhere to, have always dictated whether or not I choose to be around them in the long run. Talking to Di made me realise that fact. Every friendship I let go of, every equation I eventually left, had that one thing in common. How people treat others, the respect they show, their desire to be fair or unfair, all of that registers in my mind with absolution. I always hated how fundamental it was for A's personality to put people down to highlight herself. I hated L's complete backstabby behaviour. Even if it wasn't subjected to me, in the end I disliked them enough to let go despite us having been closest of friends at some point in time. Looking back, maybe I should have been a lot more cognizant and not even befriended them but at the time I had a low sense of self coupled with a belief that people can change. I don't think so anymore. I think people's core drives remain the same. And at the end of the day, who you choose to be with in your life are always a reflection of who you must be inside. I believe that. They say a man is judged by the company he keeps, and it's true. You can see that in every group, they all have similar traits. I learnt this lesson very late maybe, but now that I have, I am very unrelenting about diluting my standards.
I like fairness, decency and equality. Those are simple things and yet hard to attain. People I admire, all have these traits though. Even people like Thibault, who I don't know personally, embodies them and it feels great to know people like him exist. Their drive towards fairplay is inspirational, esp as selling out would have been an easier path and it was never taken. I respect that so much. The world needs more strong individuals who can walk the talk. A lot of people I know have that too... my brother, his friends, meg, S, the other S. They all are very good at keeping their hearts clean and doing the right thing with others. Being kick-ass in their fields is a plus. But I love that mix of honor and intelligence and it makes me want to do better too. I like that.
Going through an old album and it made me so nostalgic. And happy. I was a good kid, very sensitive, brash but tender hearted. I wanted to save everyone, make them happy and could not stand seeing anyone in pain. That part of me hasn't changed. I loved that I was clever, a bit arrogant about it even. But at the same time, it was tempered by my urge to be nice. Or was it? Hehe, maybe not. Maybe I simply was arrogant lmao. Everyone used to praise me so that didn't help. But I don't think I ever looked down on anyone. I'm glad. I think fairness came naturally to me, as did my desire to protect people from harm. I always felt like I can be brave for others, even if I couldn't for myself.
Moments of my childhood I just want to bottle in a jar, because they feel so precious now. Just lost in my own world, wanting to build spaceships, reading Archies comics, adopting puppies, and eating an obscene amount of grilled cheese sandwiches. One summer I decided to garden, and created my own patch with Poppies and Sweet Williams and that one beautiful violet flower whose name I don't recall. That summer our garden was in full bloom. Until the gardener ran away somewhere and then it fell back into its not so well kept ways haha. The amount of flowers he had sown wow. And that fish pond my dad got made in our backyard lmao. I remember them catching me trying to fish there with my makeshift fish hook. Man, totally got yelled at. How was I to know they weren't for fishing hahahah.
Ugh. I miss that place, I do. Moving from there, plunged me into a world that was bigger but I'm not sure if I'd call it better.
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Come to think of it, even I'm named after a flower. Night Flowering Jasmine. Hehe. It's a lot like me, likes to be awake at night, simple and isn't pretentious.
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Yep, that's the one. Little parry plant. Hehe.
It's so hot I don't feel like doing anything lol. Just laying about like a panting dog haha. Reminds me of those old kids novels where you'd make lemonade and lie down in the lawn in the shadiest corner you could find. Oh damn, and also when I stayed in Rajasthan as a kid. Oof. I used to looove that time.
This was a bday party and all my friends were there haha. Look at P with her blue beret, so quaint. And A holding her hands like the girly girl she was. And me sitting like a boss. Hahahah. I was a tomboy totally. We were soooo small here. Maybe like 9 or 10? Dayum. I think this was one of the most wonderful time of my life. Everything used to seem like magic. The heat, the sultriness of the desert, the huge garden I used to keep exploring and the trees I would keep climbing. I even love that sun ring in the dancing pic, just captures the moment so well. I discovered my love for reading here, when my small town school got a library, and I found a book I loved and promptly read every book they got after. Fuck. I was so obsessed. Just spent hours on the grass or in a tree, just reading. Haha. I discovered my love for my friends here too. T, A, P and even S. All of them were people I loved with my little heart, esp P. We used to get up to sooo many random adventures.
The funny thing is, I remember it so vividly. This was the place where I used to just get this big sense of longing. Like I have to find something that's far away. I don't know why this memory always stayed with me over the years but I used to feel this weird yearning deep in my heart that I seek something. Every time I would cycle around town, I get lost in thought and feel it.
Whatever it is, I believed in magic and goodness and lots of wonderful things when I was there. I think it was the happiest time of my life. I want to go back. Hehe.
This was so fantastic zomg. I loved it! Right down to the mate in the end oof.
https://lichess.org/ngwS12Xq/black
And that engine suggestion 14. nxd5 oh my god. What a crazy crazy move and so much material for the queen. Fuck.
Even his d4 games with that g4 push. I've never seen anyone play solid structures that way lol. Just straight up attacks on the king side nary a care. I love it. I love attacking chess so damn much. It's that combination of boldness and precision that's so decisive and brilliant to me.
Fuck, I can't wait to actually be a good player. I want to get there in a couple of years just to have that intermediate level understanding atleast. I love it sooo much.
I'm gonna say something nice about myself. Today I was generally just minding my business and then I noticed this fellow being weird and morose and finally just decided to text him lots and push him to play a bit so he cheers up. Like no matter my mind state, or whatever it is whenever, I am fundamentally a kind person and I make an effort for people whether they ask for it or not.
Whether you realise it on your own or in hindsight M. I am one of the best people you've ever come across. Your paranoia and idk ptsd from whatever past baggage you carry used to flummox me lots earlier, wondering why you don't feel safe and the number of times you would snap would make me wonder why you interpret things as slights when they were anything but. And then it made me feel bad to think of what might have occurred that caused you to feel that much paranoia. I don't know the answer to that, but I've always tried to ensure you feel safe and cared for. Even if you find that hard to trust, it's fine. I hope you understand that someday. I can't save you from the hell you keep cooking up for yourself, I get the feeling that you feel like someone might take something precious from you, like the world is filled with Iagos, always conspiring to bring about doom. That's not true. There's few Iagos out there... true, but as above, so below. The opposite also exists. The presence of light cannot be denied by darkness. May you one day realise that deep in your heart, and then feel a measure of genuine peace. It's worth it to feel in alignment with life and happy, I think everyone should experience that atleast at some point in their lives.
Feeling a bit philosophical maybe, but it's true nonetheless.
Hehe, anyway, I forgive you for the number of times you have made me cry. I don't want to carry forward any negativity or baggage or keep any meanness in my heart, I don't like how that feels and I don't like seeing the worst in people. I will not pretend like you haven't hurt me, you have, immensely. And I can't keep taking more hits though. I'm exhausted and I want peace, I do. But I am letting the hurt go now because I wish to be happy and free. And if forgiveness is the way to do that, then so be it. It's best to travel light.
Wow. This got kinda heavy but it's been a long time coming. Well there's always calm before a storm but also after. Wonder why people never talk about that?
Fuck, so many years lived and I didn't know this genre existed omg. I'm gonna have so much fun.
To check: https://booksandbao.com/japanese-mystery-novels/
Trying to read the decagon house murders and ugh. Why have they borrowed the plot from Christie? Why are there no books that are clever and not rip offs in some way or another?
I'm soooo sick of it. It's been ages nay years... YEARS... since I found something that I can immerse in completely and yet the only books that do that are ones I've read before. What the fuck yo.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. Except maybe love mothers have for their babies. But in adulthood, no.
Having said that, there's always people in your life you choose to care about. For me, once the choice is made, it's kinda permanent. I take a long time to commit, to open up, to admit that I care, but once I do, I stand by it. But in the end, it's never unconditional. You can't just treat me like shit and expect me to care in perpetuity for eg. A lot of people get this wrong. When they feel like they are getting love and attention, they just get used to it or take it for granted, exploit it, or just get arrogant about it. These are the people who end up alone eventually. It's a hollow feeling, once you know everyone around you is transactional and doesn't actually give a fuck. But you only have yourself to blame in those instances. Atleast that's how I see it. Any bond that exists between two people needs to be nurtured by both sides. And that's not even a condition as such, it's just the nature of a firm foundation. You can't hammer it with carelessness and expect it to remain unscathed. Lots of people I eventually walked away from, esp A, she feels that lack too. She tried many times over the years to reach out but by the time I decided to walk away I was so done that the idea of dealing with her again just seemed nightmarish. And we were friends for close to a decade before I called it quits. It wasn't hard to call it quits with Pranav either. After the way he treated me, it just was so brutal and unnecessary that I had no emotion towards him. I don't get people like these, but maybe it's cuz I'm very different from them. Plus even after telling him to leave me alone he just doesn't and it reached such a point of revulsion in me that I started finding him as scary and creepy as those average men who don't leave women alone despite being told to. It's horrid and I feel this country has a severe issue with men like that, they are a dime a dozen and don't seem to respect women at all. The only person I legit regret ever knowing tbh. Anyway, yuck.
Atleast A is caring towards her own clan, whoever she considers under her wing, she does a lot for them. I'll definitely credit her with that. She keeps her family together as well and carries them forward. This is something all my women friends have in common. Maybe not Di. She doesn't seem to be in love, sadly. But that's a choice she made and to this day I feel it's unfair to her partner. Oh well, their stuff to sort out.
Even I am very protective and possessive of my own unit. I think more than anything I just want to now relax and feel at ease with the people in my life. No more turmoil, no second guessing anything, no drama. I hate drama and bs tbh. I like to be open and happy and laugh lots. There's no point in getting angry and having bad blood with someone. Life is too short for that. But yes, my inner circle will simply be accessed only by people I can trust, who build that trust with me. Suppose that's how it should be. Anyway, there's a whole host of things that are negative in the world which you gotta deal with, your inner sanctum should not have strife. Peace š️
I asked what's going on and again he is silent lol. Probably just hates losing and is angry. Hopefully it's just that and nothing serious. Never know what someone's going through at the end of the day na. Best to give benefit of doubt.
Plus. Meh. I want him to be happy only man. Like whatever. At the end of the day, what does anything matter?
How tf could I calc the exact line this dude played and yet in my own games some stupid shit I don't calc. What the fuck. Am I just lazy at times or what? Something is v weird here if I tank some basic ass shit but can see this, the idea and the calc both. Ffs I hate chess.
https://lichess.org/IQFroAEy/black
TANKED A KNIGHT FORK BUT WHATEVER AAAAA FUCK
Tanked an awful game and finally learnt how to checkmate with rook and king for reals. So bloody angry rn. But it's good I suppose. Should lose it forces me to learn. I'm going to get that stupid 2000 rapid somehow fuck me
Hehe. I knew his job doesn't allow him to reach out on his own so it was the first time in my life I ever said hello to someone. Meg made me otherwise I wouldn't have tbh. Funny thing is, I didn't even use insta till just a year before that and even then I never shared it with anyone irl cuz fuck that social media shit. Even now I just have some 5-6 friends on it and idc about it. My social presence is more reddit and yt driven lmao. Even so, I waited for months until I was sure he also would like to say hi. If I'd known him a year earlier, I actually would have never had a way to say hi cuz I was so snooty about never joining insta too. Lmao. We would have never ever met if I didn't start playing chess till late 2020 and then getting insta later like that's so crazy to think about. The odds were so slim. I remember being surprised he likes tennis too. The one sport I love, which barely anyone I know likes. I think I'd just only posted Rafa's AO win as my first post too. Ohhhh and he explained tennis to me like I was some noob hahahahhaa. Fuck. First time I was soooo mad at him. I don't think I ever told him that. Lmaooooo. Loved it. Innocent times. I remember being super surprised when he told me his dad and I share bdays too. This was soooo long back but it stuck out to me cuz noone have I shared bdays with all my life. Remember telling him my dad's is on 8th Jan. Like Elvis. Always bothered me that my dad gets Elvis and I got stupid Nick Carter haha. Possibly why it irritated me that he didn't wish, I'm sure he remembers this as much as I do. I wonder if he is close to his dad. He talks of his mom but never his dad so who knows. But yeah, parental equations can be tricky, I know that better than anyone.
Cut to now he is just dug in probably. Why is he such a weirdo man? Hehe, he is not but I just wanna call it that cuz seems benign and lets me let out my frustration at him. In my entire life I've never known someone to be so frustrating lol. Ugh. Why do I have such a giant soft corner for him? I don't understand it at all. Maybe it's the strange way that I met him, it all felt so... idk. Like a bit fated. Even now, it feels like that sometimes. And I pull back and hold back a lot I know, but I'm just trying to protect myself cuz I know that... Well I know that he is someone who can carve a niche for himself in my heart very easily without even trying. And I know how permanent that tends to be, and any person doing that has to bring niceness from their side else I'm going to be very vulnerable.
At my core, I think I'm just an innocent soul who wants to believe in the best in people. But those people should also see that in me and show me they care.
Time will tell though, if saying hi was a good decision. I don't regret it at all. But after all this time, I guess if he can't bring himself to say a single hello on his own then who knows? It's been eroding my trust slowly and one day maybe I'll just be indifferent to it. But that's a sad note and life is long so I hope it doesn't come to that. Upwards, mon cherie.
Ps - I miss you lots. I wish I could talk to you and tell you that for reals. And I'll also scold you a lil bit for making me cry :(
Lol ok pivot haha. That's all.
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/Z7zRhgLtIA
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. That's all. I don't understand how people just fuck their lives up like this. And the thing that gets to me is that they have kids. How can you justify putting a kid through this mess? It's so utterly garbage to do that. I'm glad I'm at peace with my possessiveness. Lol. I know for a fact that if I find someone breaking our covenant I'll be out the door before he could finish that sentence. For good. I can put up with a lot of bs. God knows that's true. But if another person enters my sacred space it simply ceases to exist for me. It's funny cuz I think for me the hurt is so great that I instantly shut down to that person and my mind is simply like okay move forward. So all this trash. Well it's for weaklings to be honest. People who can't be disciplined. Even when Di told me she would be okay with this my first thought was fuck you. You picked a guy to marry who you didn't love and now want to ruin his life. I can totally imagine this outcome in her life too. And only wanting to hold on to the husband when you realise he loves someone else. Women who do this are also evil man. Like seriously. They'll just straight up be mean cuz they think they settled then when someone else wants their husband the right way, suddenly it's fomo town. Ugh. YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST HATE PEOPLE. FUCKERS.
Lol. This post made me irrationally angry even though it's not my life but it's just the thought of kids being made to pay the price for adult stupidity is something I hate. Just don't have kids if you want to only fuck them up. Poor things man. They are so small and they don't understand anything except the anger they feel. Fuck. I guess I was a kid who took forever to overcome my parents' baggage and I will never ever do anything of the sort to mine if I have any someday. But yeah, that won't happen. Neither will I choose a man who is anything but loving and loyal, nor will I ever betray him or our family ever. Fuck you loser plebs. I'm not one of you.
Okay this one promises to be great. Ugh. Have to start reading it soooooon.
There is a particular term in the world of Japanese mystery
fiction called “honkaku mystery,” or “orthodox mystery.”
Honkaku refers to a form of the detective story that is not only
literature but also, to a greater or lesser extent, a game. It follows
the concept of “a high degree of logical reasoning,” the key
prerequisite for the most exciting form of detective fiction as
proposed by S.S. Van Dine, a prominent figure of the English-
language Golden Age of detective fiction during the 1920s
Fucking finally found something right up my alley hells yeah let's gooooo
Talking to V. He says he is a teetotaler. Why tf did I not know this? Last time we all met he was drinking, wasn't he? Lol. I don't even remember. Maybe his wife was and he wasn't? No but I swear he was having beer that time. Strange.
I know his dad was a raging alcoholic and a wife beater though. I guess maybe that's why no drinking. That's good. Man, these asshole men who beat women like fuck. I'm v proud of V though. I know the horror stories of how abusive his dad was, and I'm sure it's not easy to see your mother go through that. Esp as a boy, you'd want to protect her at all costs.
It's so easy to let your life slip by into stupidity when you have a background like that though. So many people just allow for that. But I've never seen V or his twin be anything but top notch guys to everyone around them. Not once in school or outside did I ever see him be mean to anyone, be rude to women or do anything remotely shitty ever. Even his wife is soooo nice. And even he is very protective but where he needs to be. And very loyal to boot. Hehe, I love my friends man. I really do. They are all amazing. One of the reasons I look up to every one of them, esp the guys... Is that most of them have had to overcome this domestic bullshit. S, V - both had awful abusive fathers, but both turned out to be incredible men. In fact, most people I know have successfully overcome their childhood shit to turn into grown adults that are not just responsible, but also are able to hold their own and define their own selves correctly. I respect that a lot, cuz I know how challenging it can be. And that's the one quality that separates wheat from chaff. The ability to take the reins of your own life and guard your own morality and not just inflict your past trauma on to others because you are unable to process. Never once have I seen these boys get into crazy fights or degrade others or demean anyone. They always hold strong to the values they define for themselves. One of the most horrible, awful things I've been told long back made me realise how precious this quality is cuz noone I know would EVER stoop low enough to do shit like that. Whew! Good choices for the wins.
And I also feel a sense of safety with them tbh. I know they won't talk badly of me behind my back, I know I can be myself, and in general I feel at peace when we are joking around about stupid shit. Most of the things we talk about are also silly but that's the part I love. It's great to feel relaxed and at ease.
Hehe, I know at the back of your mind this contrasts a lot with M and how he behaved but maybe it's time you cut him some slack too. He has probably had an easy life and hasn't needed to take responsibility for anyone. It's not his fault his life has been easy, right? Can't blame him. It's lucky in a way, must have skipped out on a lot of bullshit out there. The whole " I'll do what I want" etc is stuff guys say when they are used to getting their way and I guess it seems inconsiderate to you, which it is, but it's also just indicative of being a bit spoilt and being spoilt is a luxury, it's better than dealing with real life issues tbh. Easier and mentally good. So chuck it, don't compare him to others you know. I can't help but see the lack of groundedness in all this, but again, can't fault a person for not having life experiences that made it necessary for them.
I think I took longer than a lot of people to overcome my fears too, but now that I have, I'm glad. Hehe, I'm also top notch š©. Okay self praise but it's warranted too cuz why not.
Lil trio:
Aaaaand spring at my windowsill
Why tf is the govt so fucking trash yo aaaaaa. So fucking frustrated rn. Just coming up with random ass rules and now I gotta get a new plate for my car and the stupid service centre says they aren't dispatching it like what the fuck should I do? Gaandus bc.
Nothing like abject incompetence to make me see red.
Collecting a bunch of notes on thrillers. It's interesting how they add clues which are seemingly not clues. I find that amazing. V artful. I'm slowly beginning to piece together an underlying structure so that's really good. Fuck. This is a lot of work though. But I think I'll have to wireframe it the way you would any product and think of it that way. Deffo gotta get the architecture right. Some of the good ones have a v linear plot and that seems easy enough but idk why I don't like it. I want some clever twists and turns that makes it exciting. Why tf am I like this? I know I can piece together something passable but no, I want to do that tougher thing lol. Fuck it, I want to so I will. Atmost it'll suck then I can cry about it that time... No worries.
"Amor omnia vincit"
~
Horseshit. Or is it? Time will tell.
A loving outlook gives rise to a restful mindset, of that I'm sure. There's always a choice to hate, but all it does is burn you on the inside.
I miss you. So terribly. I can't lie to myself about that. Lol. Idk why I care so much, but I do. You're the only one in the world who has told me he doesn't want to speak to me, and yet. I miss you. Lol. I don't know why that is. Admitting this makes me feel like your friend who allows people to treat him badly and likes them still. How pathetic of me huh?
Why is the price of caring about you so steep? Why does it mean the complete annihilation of my self esteem? For a person who can't even text me first because idk arrogance? Or trying to show me how little I mean to him? Why? Why treat me like that? What are you even so afraid of? That I'll judge you? Treat you badly? What? Wtf.
I don't get it. I don't get why you had to show me you were a good guy if the thought of hearing my voice for the first time made you act the way you did. Lmao. How crushingly insulting and how easy it was for you to do that.
Yeah okay. Whatever. I don't know what went wrong in your life that you feel the need to be this way with me, but I can't solve it for you. And I deserve to be treated better, period. Not this rock bottom shit where you can't say hi on your own or can't make even bare minimum effort.
Idk why I care about you but fuck you too. Fuck you for being the biggest asshole you could be to me. For no reason. Good going man. Really proud of you. But you know as well as I do that I deserve to be treated better. I deserve all the good things in life not this shit treatment. And if it's so easy for you to treat me like I'm nothing then okay good for you. Keep at it.
Ugh..pivot back to your centre P. No matter how much you miss someone, if they don't treat you right then you'll just spend your life being starved of decency and you don't want that. Life can only be comfortable and nice when both people have respect and consideration, in none of this do I discern consideration. Your friends have it, and they are happy. That's how it should be. And someone willing to make you happy is what you need at the end of the day, that effort has to come from them not just you asking what's up and getting booted like you are a nobody lol. You've always tried to make him feel cared for, you deserve atleast a lil bit of kindness once. And if you are that easy to discard then so be it. Discard me. Fuck it. You're old enough to know how to act so if this is what you chose then so be it. This much irresponsibility only suits teenagers.
Okay pivot lmao. Even if it's tough now and you feel like you don't understand, it doesn't matter.
And also.... Fuck you lol. I'm just so bloody angry at you my god. Half the time I love you lots but some moments I just hate your fucking guts. Stupid arrogant asshat. Aaaaaaa. Whatever. Hope you are doing fine all things considered. I'm sure you must be thriving nicely, constant dickery must make you rock hard and very happy only I'm sure. One day you're going to fucking admit to me that I have been one of the best things in your life and my god the amount of grief I'll give you then so help me god. Gah.
šššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššš
Suck it.
Just read that her partner died. Damn. He was only 42. But also her dad was 42 when he died and it was just in 2019. Wtf man. That's just. Idk creepy asf. What's with these 40 yo dudes dating women in their 20s, it's so gross and desperate to be honest. I'm sure she is gutted but man, it just seems so weird. Someone just posted it's like she lost her father again and totally made me want to puke.
Hang in there Saba. I'm sorry for the loss. Cannot imagine how awful it must feel.
Oh god reading now that it might be suicide wtf. Bruh. This is insane. Hope the journos don't ask her about it. Daaayum... What a fucked up world we live in. :(
Told me to watch a show called One Day. It's a romantic comedy lol. Will check it out but maaaan I'm just so done with romance and love I don't even have the mental bandwidth for it lol. Fuck. So depleted huh? Lmao. What a low I've reached. To contrast that with... Lol. Never mind, not allowing myself to go there. Fuck it, watch a thriller instead fuck romance.
Djokos words made me think. There's so many instances in life where people just keep themselves stuck to their past experiences and forget that they can actually choose to move forward and have a better life. But they don't. It's the same as what he was talking of. Sticking to prior losses and inevitably assuming the next match would be a loss. Self belief, overcoming obstacles, having a mindset that helps you move forward and do more. It's important. Even that interview with Kobe where he said it's not imp to tie to outcomes but do what you can is similar. Interesting views by all these goats. I believe you all are right
One thing I realised very, very strongly - I cannnnnot live my life slumming it yo. It's stunning to me how some folks can allow their lives to become complete garbage. Esp ones without any guardrails in life, they just go into the deep end of absolute stupidity. I just find it irritating to even see that kinda low quality bullshit now.
And the problem isss those people. They keep wanting others to fix them but will do nothing on their own to fix themselves. How. How can you be so completely fine with such broken down equations and like no standards. I don't get it. But fuck no way man. Nothing is worth just allowing your life to reach the level of a festering wound, which is how I view certain ways of life tbh. It's not arrogance on my part either, it's just the desire to create a clean, healthy, abundant life. Cannot just be knee deep in toxicity all the time.
You have a choice. Always. Don't settle for bullshit.
Djoko is right. You can always feel negative thoughts but the quicker you can pull back, the better it is. Ugh... I'm listening to this dude now haha. I'll never love you fully djoko, or even at all. But you do have the occasional wisdom I wish to imbibe. :)
Trying to read a bunch of new stuff but nothing seems interesting anymore. Have all the good stories been already told? Lol. Idk.
I reread that one endings post and man. The amount of venom and anger that was in me when I penned it out. And the worst part of it was how every word of it was true. This is not okay or good. I should never reach a point where I have to think these ugly thoughts. Leads to not just anger but I guess words can be harmful too right. And at the end of the day, everyone deserves compassion, no matter who they are. Yourself included lol.
Like looking into the abyss, amirite? The nature of fear, ego, control and its spawn is always going to be a host of negatives. But releasing them, allowing for life to flow, and I guess not trying to ummm... Idk the thought here or how to articulate it.
Pulling back to a peaceful mean, giving chances, being compassionate and protecting yourself, all need to coexist in equilibrium.
Awww. Met two of the cutest old people and they were sooo nice. Old folks just love me. 75 - 80+ years and chilling with me and talking about books. Mrs. Murty is an author too now wow. So amazing to do that at her age. I loved it. Hehe, making me join her book club.
Aaand he was at one of my fav opens aaaa. Saving cuz so cute hehe.
I think I do want to be an author. Dayum. Something about this feels right. I'm very slow in making these pivots, I know. But I feel like I could do it. Let me try.
Aaaa and it's a bright sunny day, the pots outside my house look pretty and that lil horsey I kept looks so damn cute.
I'm over the hurt, pain and sadness. I think I might feel annoyed from time to time but more or less, I'm kinda over it. Finally. It feels good to let it flow. And I am slowly becoming happy again.
Wrote this huge thing about endings, and by the time I was done, all the fear and venom and loathing left me. And then I deleted it because meanness isn't me, neither is holding on to sad things. Good. I'm proud of that. Things will be different from now.
The best fathers are not just men who are strong, but also men who are gentle with their partners and calm and happy with their kids. Seeing how a man treats his woman, and women in general has a huge impact on children. Kids have a small world, their parents form a huge impact on them growing up. Seeing a dad be goofy, cringe, embarassing and more or less like a big buddy is what I think helps kids come into their own. When I see V... The way he takes care of his wife... Simple gestures which are so unspoken between them... Carries her bag randomly for her, is so affectionate, she is even unaware of it most times because he is like that always and it's incredible to me because it's that security of knowing he is always there. And it's hella cute for a guy in the military, one who does covert ops be this wonderfully in love with his wife. I'm sure he would be a great dad. Ditto C. Not that they would want kids but I see the same nice gestures. When we got to her place, he opened the door and just took her bags from her... It's these little domestic moments that give you a sense of relief.
You can always have moment of frustration and fights etc. But there's a mean you come back to when you feel secure which you don't have to doubt because you know you are respected and cherished. These ladies have that and I'm v happy for them. Their lives give me a glimpse of mundane utopia that I love. I'll never take any of this for granted. It's taken me a very long time to get my lens right and to define what's right and what's wrong, but now that I have, no compromises ever.
Hehe, even seeing one pewds video of his trip was so wholesome. Just warm, friendly, loving vibes. He is a great dad! Just absolutely so in love with his kid. :)
Oi veyyyy... I feel like emo, but I also feel centered.
It feels like peace is returning to my life. And I think it just stems from knowing what I want now. I won't get swayed by anything that doesn't fit the bill. And I think it's okay to take my time and sort of build a foundation with someone. I doubt I'd fall in love in a rush, rather I'd like it to be slow and steady and sweet. Get to know each other softly, have a sense of bonding and kinship, the works. I miss falling asleep talking to someone on the phone, taking about our day, having him suddenly sing me a song lol, I used to loooove that. Talking at night always had a special place in my heart. Just the quiet and you and me. And you tell me everything on your mind and I listen to you speak your heart out, knowing I'm the only one in the world you feel so safe and happy with. Cheesy as it sounds, I'll do my best to make you smile too. Goof around lots. Delicious. I look forward to a time when that again becomes a part of my life. ♥️
Watching some games by GM Matthew Sadler wow. He is sooo good such amazing crazy positions on the board. What a risky player I absolutely fine him stunning. Easily the sharpest player I've seen so far wow. Was fucking with that Joe ASSad also. Idk why I'm being mean to him but fuck him also who cares.
https://lichess.org/zCbITfHu/white
LOVED this and the game before it zomg. What a way to play d4 so fucking insane lmao.
Oh wow checking him out and he quit chess in his 20s and is still a fucking 2694 dayum. Plays like a total beast and works in IT too. Fuck dude, some insanely smart folks out there I love this. Respect.
https://lichess.org/BIz2mKcC/white
That Lil piece of calculation in the end omg. How does he do it?! Fuck even the middle game. I love this.
Having a conversation with V and he is so sweet. A tough military dude but a nice guy too. Lately, I've been so down in the dumps that even small gestures have started making me feel gooey. How did I reach this point where bare minimum kindness makes me feel happy? I guess when you have been deprived of it for so long, it feels nice. He sent me and R an ice cream just because lol. His wife is a lucky woman.
Haha. He is the only one who realised it, but he is a musician so why would he not? :D
O Dostoevsky. You are such a genius. Reading this was eye opening, it's a great piece of writing. He catches on to people and behaviours so easily. Even this is a complete account of narcissistic abuse.
I noticed that at times people who are manipulative tend to try and find out what you like and dislike and then try to make you crave the thing you like by withholding it from you. Which is the theme of this story too. Always keeping you underfed and servile so you keep craving their attention and in turn their bottomless pit of need gets fed because they are so... Well honestly I find narcissists to be immensely pathetic and loserish. But man, so utterly toxic.
How damaged do you have to be, to treat someone this way? The protagonist in this one ends up killing herself in the end and in some small way I understand why. When someone just repeatedly depletes you, you just become a shell of yourself. All the happiness and joy, everything leaves you. Interestingly, even dementors are an analogy for a narcissist in some way. But the best way to dispel them? Just find a memory of a time you were happy and tell them begone! šÆšŖ
I would never want a kid to see their mother insulted. Never. That's the picture that keeps popping into my mind every time I am made to feel unwanted and overlooked. I know how much it scarred me to see my mom not receive love and validation the way she wanted and she spent her life craving it. And I hated my dad for being detached and not showing her affection the way she needed it shown. I still resent him sometimes for it.
But when I see this image in my mind and imagine if I have a child, I would never ever want the kid to see the father treat their mother with indifference and disrespect or see her hurt and internalise it within themselves and then proceed to get into shit relationships cuz they keep craving love. I won't do that to an innocent soul ever.
So I guess, keeping this image in mind has to be my pivot going forward. And the choices I make need to stem from me wanting to create a genuine, authentic future. Not be left in the dark, not be left hurting, not be stranded. But actively choose only those whose values I'd like a child to imbibe and how they treat me and how a kid would view that treatment is the focal point I'll keep as my centre from now. Even for myself, I don't want to live with the anxiety of not knowing, or never being asked about etc. It leads to complete emotional starvation to a point where even some small gestures by people end up feeling like a lot when it should be the norm. People who push you to this point will eventually just suck out your life force. They may not be evil but there's so much damage in them that I don't think any amount of love and care will fix it unless they fix it for themselves. That first step has to be internal. Anyway, I will not pass on these horrid ways to anyone ever. And I will do my best for me, and for my future.
This needs to be my cornerstone.
Meanwhile, I'm going to put my intellect to the test and just go for it. I'm so excited and happy about this new project and I think I'll just kill it. Yum. Time to take up some actual wins. Let's goooooo.
Writhes my soul in pleasure, pain, and exquisite delight.
When Bach comes on at night.
How is this composition so fuuucking beautiful oh fuck me
Canon in D has lost its meaning for me lol. Wow, it just started again while I am typing this. I skipped the prev version and there is it again, mocking me. The universe flipping me off? Maybe.
It's just turned this song into a painful memory. I hate it when that happens. I guess the pain stems from the memory that was once cherished and sweet. How I hate the grimy world sometimes. But then again, there was so much softness and affection and beauty in this memory once. Maybe someday it'll come back. Music is eternal.
But if it's for someone else, then it'll be a new song. For sure. The depths of my love and passion shall no man sully lol.
Fuck you,
Affectionately yours
Me.
And the song ends. Why am I smiling? Is that good?
Funny is life. I kinda miss caring about someone you know. I think the most happy I feel is when I am actually just in this cozy cocoon where I can keep people I care about close. I'm such a permanent sort of a person that for me keeping someone in my life means a lot. And my love language in parts is definitely acts of service. I think my flight instincts around someone are only triggered when I feel like I'm not valued or appreciated. Like legit the only time I feel like running away from someone is when I feel like that person doesn't have my back or is going to make me feel unwanted. That's the one feeling I have hated all my life, and the only one I wish to avoid. Rest all is cool.
For me, small tokens of affection matter a lot. Like a few days back, Tejas just followed me on insta..he is like a younger brother, my brother's bestest friend. But just did it random no airs no nothing. And it's a simple gesture but it's a small form of acknowledgement right. I really appreciated that. I guess I'm not someone who looks for big gestures but these tiny ones make me feel secure and that's one thing I always need in life. Anyway he is a sweetie, our Tejas. Saw his face when I was talking to bro. All of them are visiting for his bday it's such a nice gesture. That group has been tight since they were kids and now as adults that friendship is so familial. I'm glad. Bro is a great guy he should always have loving folks around him. ♥️
Ugh. Sent some link to M instead of just being direct and telling him what's on my mind. Can't seem to even form the words to actually tell him why it bothered me so much to read that trash when I did. I guess he doesn't understand the implications or impact of those kinda statement. I can't blame him, he has led a diff life. But just the thought of replacing that word with Indian just annoyed the hell out of me. So many of us migrate to the US. Most of my friend circle is there. All of them have worked hard, paid good money to some of the best schools, carved a career and niche for themselves, pay a fuckton in taxes in Cali. Everything any of us has achieved has been through merit and merit alone. The idea of whittling them down to shitty stereotypes is so fucking insulting. Noone has ever needed or wanted to do some cheap shit like using dating as a means to an end. Noone has to, they are capable of getting jobs in any part of the world and they work so immensely hard to attain all of that. And it's just so fucking insulting to insinuate otherwise. That's the bit M doesn't get. I'm sure it's an honest oversight on his part. But why doesn't he realise that shit that gets said around him at the end of the day ends up being a reflection of him? It's like he is so naive about certain things. Fuck dude. And I don't really know how to tell him because idk. It's so icky. These are things people should realise on their own. People say that shit around him cuz I think they believe he is okay with it. The same crowd I've seen on so many other channels and they never behave that way but with him it's like all gloves are off. Ugh. Maybe I should tell him idk. Or maybe he gets it, hope he does.
Learning about plotting a mystery novel and one cool insight was so write from the pov of the villian and consider the readers as detectives. That's actually so true. Part of why I always hated Sherlock was cuz Doyle simply made him into a superhuman and never actually gave any decent clues to readers, making stuff impossible to solve. I remember how completely frustrated I used to be with his books and couldn't figure why people liked to just gawk at his brilliance when in fact you never had a chance against him lol. Good to know I was right now haha. But fun. I'm actually really enjoying learning about this. Don't get too much time but carving out an hour at night for lectures and such. How cool would it be if I can actually create something like a puzzle box? I'd love this, honest. Omg. Excited asf. I actually think I can do this.
If there was one thing I could eradicate in this universe, it's not mosquitoes it's pms. Fuck. 4 days to periods and already my uterus is wearing against me. Ffs.
Need to check this series out. I'm rediscovering my love for fantasy novels and it is DELIGHTFUL.
I can sing this. And make it seductive asf
"Somewhere in South End when you were fun
You took my hand and you made me run
Up past the prison to the seafront
You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge
Why can't we laugh now like we did then?
How come I see you and ache instead?
How come you only look pleased in bed?
Let's climb the cliff edge and jump again
Pineapples are in my head
(Pineapples are in my head)
Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead
(Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead"
Something about these beats make me want to wear a Santa skirt and cat ears and look someone dead in the eye through my smoky, shimmery eyeliner and sing it to him.
Ediz Gurel made GM wuuuut... Omg. I'm actually happy for the kid. Got super excited seeing that, Dayum. My first instinct was to text this dude then I remembered everything and didn't. Wtf yo. Ugh. Lol. Okay forget it. Just remember that cold hearted "feel better", and the fact that he didn't flinch while hurting you, easier to deal lolol. People who are kind and empathetic are worth their weight in gold, rest is all bullshit. And as you grow older, you realise that decency, honesty, respect are values that can't be taught, they are inherent. And let's be honest. Even if it's not racism, at the end of the day you were the one that took a shot on him after that post accused him of shitty things, you spent time and energy trying to make him feel better, you have never once asked for anything except one book reco atmost and you've always been supportive and kind. The right sort of person has the maturity to understand and appreciate these things and they won't just be cruel and dismissive towards you in return. Something that should have made him happy... Instead made him chicken out and try to find excuses. Just means that he doesn't mind using your niceness but can't offer any in return, not even once. Even if not race driven, it's still rock bottom behaviour and he should be ashamed of himself. So idk, shitty as it is, accept that this is who he is. People who view women as suspicious... Like he and his friend do... Will never learn to appreciate any one being good to them but rather just look for reasons real or fantasy to discredit and demean them. Which is what he did to you. There's no value in that. His friend ironically is a lot nicer and kinder to the girl he is seeing. Maybe in the long run, he will turn out right and fix himself. I hope he does. I believe people can do the right thing, but they have to learn to themselves. It's possible that someone screwed over M and he has trust issues, but I'm not the one who caused it and it's unfair that I pay the price. I'm just someone who happened to meet someone and was nice to him from the get go, not my fault what happened prior to knowing me, and not my burden to bear here. Everything else is just noise. Even now, I'm operating out of kindness and consideration and not malice. I've never bad mouthed him to anyone nor will I, but I owe it to myself to only have people who treat me well in my life. I guess I do have empathy for him, all things considered. Anyway, these sad notes need to end once and for all now. Enough. Onwards and upwardssss.
I have been lucky and cherished most of my life so that's something to definitely be grateful for. I'm glad I've had positive experiences tbh. Maybe that's why it's taking me so long to admit the truth to myself. My mind refuses to believe that someone can be so bad towards me and keeps looking for loopholes to excuse their behaviour. Hmmm.
Eff it. I will never end up with a narcissist nor will I end up with someone who treats me badly ever. Friendship or otherwise. Gotta release that fear once and for all. It happened once, it won't happen again and the fear is just exaggeration in my mind because of its aftermath. No need to worry, I've always known how to have my own back when push comes to shove so it's okay, I'll be fine. Going forward, shite will not happen to me.
Anyhoo...But good for you lil kid, I'd spammed your cute small face to humanize you haha. Would love to see more of you in years to come! ♥️
Started playing rapid. Oh the horror. So painful every loss is. Tried ranking few games just to get used to losing lol. Counter the fearrr
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
This is by far a stupid fucking quote but just imagining Steve Martin saying it and I can't stop laughing. Fuckz.
Going for a comedy show soon woohoo. Hope it's good. Need some laughs zomggggg
Talking to Di and it seems she almost ODed on some prescription meds wtf. What even is that fuck?! I'm glad she is safe. This is horrid. How does a medical practitioner just prescribe this. Plus opioids in the meds too. Man, medication in the US is crazy strong. I felt like scolding her lots too who tf takes that many pills? PhD from and Ivy uni and doing this bs. Lol. My friends are all loco. Ffs.
Was on a call with her for hours, it's nice we have found our groove. I like talking lots so it's kinda fun to just bs late night hehe. Been urging me to go date people I'm so in hermit mode I just escaped that convo lol. Gotta protect myself lmao. Man, idk if I'll ever like someone again, people have been guttingly disappointing that I've just got a bit of a fear now. Well, it'll lift someday. Just takes someone being nice and sweet to counter all else I guess. Or atleast that's the hope.
Oo and women's day today. Lol only mom wishes noone else cares about these days.
Watching the starry sky set to Emancipator
How utterly gorgeous. I love night time. I love the stars. And I secretly wish a nice lil alien would come befriend me. Take me away, we can float along the edge of the universe. Don't be shy lil guy. I know not how to bite.
My friend says I'm just v naive. I think it's true. Like. Idk man. I think I'm just a horrible judge of character and have some weird tendency to see the best in people. I'm not sure what to do but it does nothing for my trust issues lol. Maybe need to have better filters but I don't really know how to create them.
You know. My friends have such a harsh take on M. Say he is sexist, possibly racist etc. and I don't know dude. Like I don't want to be the kind of person who has to think these thoughts about someone. But at the back of my mind it's always striking my that his bff is a guy who calls black folks racist slurs and he chooses to hang out with him constantly. And my friends say it's just birds of a feather and that they might actually be very similar if they are friends. Which is usually true right. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone who degrades people unless I also enjoy doing the same. So idk what to think. And what that girl said... Maybe that's how they view women from other countries too right. I just never realised that might be how he must see me. Wow. Lol. This realisation just makes me sick to my stomach.
Lol. All this is so sad man. And after all the care and affection I felt for him, it's just a bad taste in the end. I'm done getting my feelings hurt though. And honestly if someone has these racist notions towards me, they can fuck off. I don't need this demeaning, degrading shit in my life. It feels like the casteism that happens in India. Just feels so utterly gross. How can the spectrum for a person just be such that I can't actually find one single nice thing he has said or done for me? And it extends from this much pettiness to idk racism straight up?! That's not good. Much like his friend, he will consistently screw over people who had his back. Or maybe that's limited to just screwing over women. Even his friend has some severe issues with women despite the fact that it was a woman who raised him and his dad fucked him over. I don't think it's worth it in the end to just get screwed over the way he did me. And for no reason. He isn't the person I thought he was and being mean comes so easy to him that in the end he will never have my back. Actually no, I trust that he would screw me over and never come through even once. Lol. In that he has been nothing but consistent. Ironically, exactly like his friend who he holds dear. The guy who didn't hesitate to come by and openly talk about hitting on minors a day after that shitshow long back - just to taunt him and make fun of him in public, who denies knowing him to his racist buddies and in general hides the fact that he knows him to actual people he knows irl is his bff. One that openly tells an entire crowd of folks that his friends don't like him and think he is exploitative. All of which is just vindictive and deliberate. Karma. You hide the people who actually were loyal to you and the ones who aren't, are your closest friends. Lol. Well, good for you.
In the end, it's who you chose, so good luck. š¤·♀️ And who you choose is always a reflection of who you are at the end of the day. So idk. Mirror mirror I suppose.
Meh... I'm not going to sit and sweat this any longer tbh. People always have a choice to do the right thing or not to do it and eventually you just gotta find ones who make the right choice for you. And I don't need the ones who don't. I don't care anymore.
