The amount of news and hate I've seen posted around has me weary. Just in one day no less. I am sick of all of it. The hate, the meanness, the complete pivot of people proclaiming decency to whatever the fuck they are peddling now. It's all just so sad and soulless. Hmmm. All the more reason to just concentrate on creating a good story and immerse myself in things that do not require weariness. 

~

One of my goals for 2025 is to keep negativity away from myself and focus on things that give me joy. Two months in, and I'm not exactly streamlined but I am getting there. Gotta pick up the pace from now. Let's make every day of March count, starting today. 

~

There needs to be more soul and wholesomeness in the world. Acutely understanding the sheer importance of family values and the role they play in people's lives. Empathy is extremely important. If you have a choice in the matter, never choose to be around someon who doesn't have it. 

Cyberpunk Edgerunners

Wondering who tf saw it on my Netflix and turns out it was me and now I'm back seeing it and listening to that damn song I liked the first time around. 

Ugh.

I really want to stay at your house

 Ugh I'm so sick of chess wtf is even happening just regressing like there is no tomo i hate this fuck this game aaaaaaa

FUCK I HATE THIS STUPID GAME

Tom and Jerry

Ahahahahahhaha noooooooo! Omgggg. Hahahahah. 

Oh man. Held back by propriety lmfao. I don't even recall who had annoyed me back then. My yelling is more of gently chiding not the batshit crazy version of yelling these folks are used to though. It's like people don't even realise there's numbers 2 to 99 between 1 - 100. Never even realised I had to spell that out. 

~

Dammit why am I laughing at this it's just sooooooo juvenile man. Ugh. Wtf. Melting like a stupid candle on the lowest heat setting. Ugh. PATHETIC. Haha. Idk it was too opportune to not laugh at. 

~

Whatever. I'm not putting things right this time someone else can figure it out. 🤷‍♀️ And since it's too much hassle to fess up then I guess imma give benefit of doubt and simply just assume massive dickery and heinous villianry is afoot and let it go at that. And if someone wants me in their life, then they need to be direct, nice and genuine - no manipulation behind the scenes, no trying to bait me, and actually being good to me. I am not catering to anything that's not directly said to me. And after writing that shitty lol they can't possibly be entitled enough to hope that I'd be the one to fix stuff or I'd get baited this way. It's just cheap to do this, it shows either zero respect for me or complete cowardice. If he wants to talk he can call on his own, ask nicely and do it the right way. Trying to bait me or whatever this is after all that more desire to just manipulate. This is just wrong. You can't be so insecure as to think people will only like if you if manipulate them and show them some illusion or that you need to earn their admiration. People can simply care cuz they want to. And they won't if they don't. 

If you care about someone you lift them up, not do your utmost to destroy them dude... Did noone in your life teach you that? Whatever. Exhaust whatever attempts at manipulation you like, I will only respond to respect, consideration and decency, rest of it idc. 

Que sera sera, mon cherie. Whatever will be, will be.

Heh. I think this is very true. I have this exact same reaction. Like a switch that just goes off and you simply stop caring. And once you simply stop caring, there's no way back from it. That's the thing a lot of men don't get, they always feel like it's okay to mistreat you and you won't leave and once you have enough, you suddenly just get over it. And a lot of times that's what makes them make an effort but it's too late. Which is fair, like all you end up having to look back on is the sheer exhaustion of having been hurt again and again. Sometimes when you give up, all you can think of is why didn't I give up sooner, this feels great lol. Haha. Well, I hope never to find myself in such a situation again. And to be fair, most people I've known have been great. I don't think I'll ever make the choice of being around someone nasty again so Woohoo! 💯🎉

Damn. I knee jerk sent that news about spassky to this guy and then saw the prev convo and it hit me how he didn't even bother once to reach out on his own and then just deleted it. Hmmm. Yeah. I'm happy to make an effort for people but it will only be for those who make one for me. Not just circle back to view what I feel about it at a later date. If he can spend time trying to hoax views, he can choose to say hi on his own instead. A lot better, and a much more respectable choice that would be. Wasting time conning is absolutely unnecessary. 

~

Spassky - 27th Feb 2025

Damn. RIP. 

~

Sometimes I forget how young chess is, and how old. 

Man, post workout recovery is a bit longer than it used to be. Interesting change I wonder how I can mitigate it. 

To watch

Hey I’m watching C'mon C'mon. Check it out now on Prime Video!

https://app.primevideo.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.fa85acc6-0750-4ca6-812b-807eb985e516&ref_=atv_dp_share_mv&r=web

Damn Michelle Tractenberg died. Wtfff. Oh man. Only 39. Shit. Part of Eurotrip and Gossip Girl. Two of my guilty pleasures over the years. Shit dude. Feels bad.

Socrates

Is the action pious because God loves it or does God love it because it is pious? A Socratean thought experiment I fell asleep listening to and can safely conclude: Socrates must have been a very annoying person to be around. 

Just feeling so damn restless again. It's almost like if I'm not completely tired asf I can't fall asleep easily. Need to fix this 

Omg grandpa Kramms whining about tt again and saying he will call lawyer cuz carlsen talking to chat during. 💀🤣 What the fuck just keeps happening man. Lord how much of a nutter has he devolved to.

Heh. Vintage magnoose also on twitch. Why did this guy disappear and be replaced by a rogan bro lol. Sadge. Hope he ditches all the pretentious bs. I liked how he instantly and nicely responded to peeps who tried making jokes about yoo. I like that quality. Not harsh, not angry, but just stating something that should be said. It's stuff like this why he was so universally well liked. 

I've always wondered what makes a person likeable. I think it's just a mix of good ethics that walk the talk rather than pretentiousness + good humor that doesn't take themselves seriously, and general kindness. Then again, maybe I'm just listing things I find likeable haha. Plenty of people prefer turds like hans and hiki also so who really knows lol.  Anyway, I do like this stuff in general. I like people being centred and decent without any pretentiousness about them. Hehe. I guess some Indian qualities did sneak into me. Groundedness as a trait is nice to behold. 

Rybakina case getting worse and worse. Man, she was one of my fav wta players and now just fizzing out all because of a douchebag. Abusive guys can be so unhinged and scary. Now that Leylah Fernandez s dad being called out. It's another thing when it's your own parent being an abusive fuck. Crazy. I wish these women really have it in them to cut out such toxicity from their lives. Your own father berating you with slurs is something I can never even fathom. Damn dude. So many athletes seem to be a product of terrible environments. It's no wonder they don't reach their potential. 

Egg boilers

Screw it..let me be happy at my cute new purchase. Egg boilers zomg. I didn't even know they existed aaaa. So damn cute and tiny I love it!!

Ugh. My egg experience is getting elevated and I fucking love it. ♥️

Ohhhh. It just struck me why. 💀 Ugh. Even I'd noticed he suddenly disappeared and wondered why. Ok idk if I'm more annoyed or less now sheesh. Hmmmm. Yeah well, odd choice not to follow me but then to come by to check up on me when insta finally stops showing you after inactivity.  I said I was tired of complaining but like this much deception is 😩. Instead of just saying hey what's going on. 🙄💀 

~

Hmmm. 

I guess it's also true that I noticed the same thing lol. And I do miss him as well, clearly. But I don't get it. If roles were reversed and I just kept him on some sort of a leash and acted like I'm so high and mighty and never followed or acknowledged him, never wished for bdays deliberately and then followed that up with always finding out what's up with him behind his back... Exactly how would he take it? And those are just the lighter things tbh. I'm not listing all the other shitty things now. This dire need for deception is too much. 

~

And why should I look at any of this with humor while you get to pull an ostrich? Why should I forgive any of this, just so you can find an excuse to continue on being mean? 

~

Lmao just the extent of this is making me laugh tbh. I wouldn't ever do something this unhinged if I miss him though, but it's true I miss him so I don't exactly look at it as anything other than concern. Like don't worry so much. Imagine having to tell someone that when they lose it. Well, we do live in interesting times, what else can I say? Lol. 

Hmmm. Idk what to say. In the time I have known you, my aunt passed away, then a couple of years later my granny. My uncle needed surgery just a couple weeks ago. Life is short, and I spent some of mine just hoping I'm wrong and you would be nice to me someday. It was a silly hope that I don't have anymore. And I refuse to let my life become some waiting game for bare minimum decency or a simple hey how are you doing. But at the end of the day I did care, and so I'd like you to not worry and I'd also like you to do better yo. Life is finite, stop hurting people. And idk just take care of yourself. I'm right here if you want to say hi, but it's gotta be you that does it, I've done enough. Cheers. 

~

I'm always so proud of my friends and people I care about. Not cuz they are the best at anything, it's just cuz I want them to feel happy and valued. And with you, I've had to lie to my best friend and hide stuff because I couldn't bear to tell her how badly you made me feel. I keep trying to say something positive because it goes against my instinct for loyalty to not do so, and yet I'm acutely aware of the fact that I'm just compensating. I guess I don't want anyone to know that, which is why I've never ever mentioned that I knew you to anyone. How sad. It's so unlike me to do this. Not bad mouthing someone, but just being so ashamed that I simply stop saying anything lest someone finds out. I don't know what to do with that. 

And I like being around people who are proud of me as well, who value me the right way. I cannot compromise on that. I should not have compromised on it in the first place, but I kept doing it around you thinking maybe I'm wrong and there's a decent soul inside you. And yet, you can't even say hi on your own cuz you are so insecure so like. My friend asked me why would I ever want to be around someone so insecure that one has to constantly deal with their ego and I didn't have an answer to that either. I've spent my life around insecure people and all they do is find ways to play the victim as a shroud to avoid doing the right thing after harming people around them. I haven't felt cared for, valued, happy or any of that whenever I've been around you, just felt like some slave you want to keep in the dark, whose validation you want, whose entire life, family and being is of no consequence to you and whose privacy you can and will invade as and when it suits you because I suppose you didn't think I figured it out. Who in their right mind makes these choices dude? At 42, it's maybe too ingrained in you so idk. Maybe this is the kinda person you'll always be. Again, idk. If it's NPD, you should honestly get help. Or maybe you're hiding me from some other women or something. Guys do that right. Blah. Anyway, nothing I must not have mentioned a million times before. It's not right to have invaded my privacy so much behind my back in either case, esp if you were completely fine with hurting me as many times as you have. It's very ghoulish and I will shut this down if it happens again.Idk what else to say, just... Take care and atleast try once in a while to do better. This is honestly rock bottom behaviour have some shame dude. Seriously. 

~

Anyway this is all too gloom and doom so here's hoping I'm wrong about a lot of stuff, and that the sun shows up to shine again. 

CHEERS! 🍻 

Music

 I feel exactly like this even today, hope I always do too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/UV18IQOWqi

~

That time I heard that stupid canon in d and was so floored. Felt exactly like this then. Still do. Ugh. 

I have to sneak that song into my wedding somehow. God I hope the person I marry loves it too. How would I love you, if you don't? 

Wing gambit

Mariotti Kuzmin wing gambit. Hmmm. I still do not see what's so great about it. What am I missing? It feels sharp but for no real reason I can discern about it's advantages. Seen Sadler play it and it looked great then but maaaan I get wrecked when I do haha. Even if I don't it's just not really advantageous other than the opponent needing to calc but that's just meh feels like undue advantage tbh. 

I wish there were some games I knew that I could see with it. Hmmm. Will search. 

It takes one nice conversation and some relaxing time spent to just let all the negativity go away. Was so nice and chill this weekend just didn't do anything except talk and drink wine sprizters like fancy ladies haha. I miss my friend ya. I miss hanging with her and I just with we all didn't have to grow up haha. Wish we could carve out more time for each other going forward though. Damn dude. I really missed having her around oops. Hope the rough patch is over lmao. It's something she and I both get I guess. Just how to eventually be mature. Lol. If only other M knew how to make things better instead of clinging to ego and other shenanigans. My M actually asked me this time how he was doing etc and if I had considered how tough life is around people who just need you to cater to their ego but aren't ever good to you. She was quite appalled by the way he has treated me and the lack of empathy from him. Can't blame her. Sucks when she puts it in perspective like that. But it's true what she says. I'm sick of having to lie and hide things about how badly he made me feel tbh. I hate lying and I hate that I can't even begin to admit how terrible it was what happened and why I stopped talking. Anyway, genuinely hoping this time it wasn't him peeking cuz that's some insane number. You can't be looking to deceive me to this extent, that's too crazy. Imma close this place for good if it happens again. I'm not comfortable with this behaviour any longer and it's simply not okay to treat me this way. Had more than 3+ years to be nice and tanked every chance while deliberately fooling me simultaneously. 

~

What even is this dude, seriously like wtf, how many more times does he just want to be hurtful, enough no? Grow up and atleast have the decency to apologise instead of this come on. This is no way to behave. FYI it's cheating to look up answers without asking the person directly. Have some courage to speak directly not all this mocked shit. Gah! Just so annoyed at that stupid number itself like. Why should anyone ever trust you if all you do is make them feel bad then act nonchalant like their feelings don't matter only to snoop on them behind their backs? Just. Being so intrusive while pathologically needing the person you are intruding on to feel like you don't care is a very unnatural thing to do. Ego and image keeping that's all. I'm irritated asf about this. 💀💀💀💀💀 If you come back to read this then from the bottom of my heart enough with the bs and figure out a way to be nice on your own sheesh. Just fucking do it enough is enough, a bit of humility won't kill you. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Fuck you man. Fuck you for this complete assholery seriously I'm annoyed asf rn. DO BETTER! 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕. Ass. Or idk, slum it with your asshole racist crowd who cares. Go for it. 

~ ugh. I feel like laughing also at how completely unhinged this is lmfao. Fuck. Total ass yo. Total. Just AAAAAAA. UGHHHHG. Hate you so goddamn much istg. Asinine depths of mockery, truly. 

~

Oh and you know what else is an option? What was alwaaaays an option? Taking a deep breath, realising life isn't mocked and actually learning how to be nice and to be there for someone. Slow and steady and actually build something that's worth keeping. Ugh. Lack of maturity galore. 

Entire weekend of just chilling lol. Feels kinda nice but I've also started feeling a sense of irritation with the inactivity. Interesting change. 

~

Ugh. What's with the snoops man. Ugghhhghhhh. 😭😭😭😭

~

Why don't I just know normal people why so much craziness 😭😭😭😭😭

~

Just this once I hope it's not him tbh. Honestly like. Yeah. Here's hoping. Jesus just be normal it's not that hard to just be niiiiiice fuck me

The Killers

Oh music. My permanent mistress. 

~

So many fucking time capsules...just so many. 

~

Sometimes I wish I was the girl that still loved Bedshaped. The sound of Keane was so damn nice. The stopmotion claymation. Ugh. I don't like the melancholic sounds now. Passed that phase. Dayum. 

~

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me whennnn

You'll let me innn.

~

Heh. 

Do you know? 

Do you know I could just... Aaah. Idk how to say it out loud but I know it to be true. 

~

Yet again I'm at that threshold. Just after a night of waxing poetic about how people really really need a challenge, a dream, a desire to try to fulfill. 

But this is a question I asked myself long back. When I knew J, when I knew he wasn't the one and I kept looking for justifications that sounded nice. And I don't want to ask that same one now cuz it dilutes everything. Yet, it's at the back of my mind. 

~

Ooops

~

Somewhere only we know. 

~

Bc man. Nothing as sad as seeing your idols crumble. All the pillars you thought held good. All of them. Dust. Making way for ones you can build yourself? Should I be happy at the opportunity? 

Mr. Iceman

Omg drinking rum and watching top gun and now noticing the sheer crazy amount of deception sheesh. Ugh. I think I understand why also. The option to just directly say hello has always been on the table yo. 😵💀 

Lol, funny though. It's a good thing I accept people for who they are, huh? 

~

HIGHWAYYY TO THE DANGER ZONEEE. 

OMGGG.

Lmfao I love old tom cruise films so cheesy 🤣 

~>

You know. The grown ups all know. Difference between the men and the boys. It's Team Iceman all the way. 

I would love to have him, truly. 🥃 Something so enticing about a man that's just... A man. Heh. In control, knows right from wrong. God, so damn hot. The Mavericks of the world are the fantasies of children who don't know any better.

Then again, now that I'm a teensy bit tipsy. Hmmm. Damn it haha. I just like the assholes, don't I? Hahhahaha. Maybe... Maaaayyyybe. 

Goodness gracious great balls of fire 🔥 

Clicked on this guys notif by mistake just now. And the first thing I read is that his friend Dave is a lawyer. And when I asked to just help recommend me one for my brother he said he didn't know anyone. What a liar dude.  Whatever tiny bit of nostalgia I felt also died right there lol. Imagine if I'd treated him like that. Whatever good reminder to me. I was beginning to forget all the shit he pulled. Filled I am with sheer disgust. At myself, and at him also. 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

There a very genuine statement and sentiment in my heart right now. And I don't know how to say it because I feel vulnerable about it. I remember that moment I pictured in my life when I was thinking of how I'd like to be seen by someone else. And it still holds good. I would love to be the one someone wants to come home to, spend time with and generally think of as their family and their person. What I didn't realise then was that I want that to be a nice simple life too. Like. Ugh. It's something I realised in the past couple of years tbh. The amount I value that vision is a lot greater than anything material. I want a comfortable life, yes. But I'm happy to live a modest one so long as it means this one vision is fulfilled. Guess I'm more like my dad than I thought. Like him, doing things for others and making sure they are safe and happy are my top priorities. And like him, it's not like I want to buy anything particular for myself. But I sure as shit want to make sure everyone around me has what they need. I suppose that's what my true drive is. It's where I derive my sense of purpose from. Interesting. I will make good on this ofc. 

Wrote for 3 hours and finally fine tuned this short story. Damn. 7k words in all. I'm trying to observe the process as I go through it as well. It's like a fun assignment haha. Anyway, warm up done, time to revert attention back to the bigger one. Hmmm. For now, I'm exhausted haha! Good stuff. 

~

I'm glad this one is done... I actually didn't like the topic so it reinforced my belief and desire to concentrate on children's fiction ahha. With the state of the world the way it is now, I think I want to create something beautiful and fun and happy. Like a calvin and hobbes lol. Amen to that. May I succeed in this quest. ♥️

Waiting for godot

Going through pictures of the last couple of years and it's such a bitter sweet feeling. Had a lot of good memories too, huh? :) well. A bit of nostalgia lol. I try not to let myself think about any of it, but I guess... Hmm. Idk. Blah. Yeesh. Could title these years... " Waiting for niceness" lol. 

Deffo a tragicomedy, eh?

~

Memories are a strange thing sometimes. It's like I want to capture the happiness I felt in a tiny lil snow globe and protect it. But at the same time, reality just threatens it with it's ugly head you know. Like. Maybe that's why it sucks so much when someone cheats. It's not just the disrespect and taint, it's that they sully every loving, happy feeling you had till then. After a certain threshold you simply want to block it all out. Better than feeling hurt I guess. I suppose I should appreciate how my life has not only been so different, I experience genuine care and love from so many people that what's a daily reality for some is the stuff of nightmares for me. And not in a way where I want to feel like I'm better off but it's like... Hmmm. I know how much it used to hurt my heart to see that one dude just mired in toxicity and malice and the fact that it's all he has ever known was so depressing. I recall just instantly crying once when he said some stuff cuz. Hmmm. It was like a wound that you can't even begin to think of healing. Cuz you don't know from where and how and the helplessness of it was what got to me. I hated that feeling. And then when I see other areas of life... Where people around me are generally competent as well as empathetic. The spectrum they reside in is so different. It has its own petty jealousies and set backs, yes. But it's not cruel or I don't know how to define it. There's no darkness and deep seated malice in it. People are more or less like maybe Sadler and such. Curious, well adjusted, and have a sense of purpose, joy, decency. That's the spectrum that's comfortable for me, and one that I am happy to reside in, pros and cons put together. 

The inherent lack of empathy thats turns people evil is a kind of sickness. A sickness that becomes all pervasive and distorts humanity in ways that's like that Goya painting lol. More and more, I understand the importance of holding on to ideals and genuine compassion. And forgiveness lol. Will forgiveness be my undoing? I don't know at times. 

Hmmmm. 

Well, life is complex. I guess I can be grateful to have had some deep moments of happiness, and of insight. It is at the end of the day something I consider pivotal, it doesn't matter if it is true or not anymore. Simply that it was right time, right place and helped me. I have felt a deep sense of change the last couple of years and I guess I should give credit where it belongs. To myself. Hehe. It's not the external events that happen to us, it's how you deal and what you extract from them. For me atleast, it's helped streamline my own... Self worth? Self love? Yeah. Walking away was an act of self love. Choosing to stay away too. It's hard to tighten filters at times. Especially when all said and done, and the dust settles and you realise yes you do care about someone. That's the bottom line. So it's definitely not easy to walk away or to write the person off. Gotta remind self that hey you need two hands to clap and you can't be doing all the work for someone when they act like they don't care. Just accept they don't and stay away. When the other side never plays fair, all you are left with is a losing proposition. I suppose when you stare at the abyss you have a choice of responding how you please? Maybe there is something to that thought. Atleast I know that no matter what, I'm not willing to be subjected to bad behaviour and ill treatment. And that isn't something I wish to dilute. Took me long fucking enough to understand that deeply but heh. I guess the disrespect inflicted on me helped me understand that. Am I grateful for it? Fuck no. It was a shit choice on their part. It's not my fault, it never was. It's just... Hmmm. I don't want to verbalise this. What I want and will wait for though... Is happiness, sweetness, people who can be silly and fun and live their life within a spectrum of decency that's inherent. Character is very important and it should be inherent not something that's a stretch goal that's attained once in a while. Lol. It's true though... I shall definitely seek a sense of comfort in someone's presence that feels reliable. Anyway blah... I know that when chips are down, I'm someone people can count on and I know I'm smart, talented and very caring to boot. So honestly... people who fumble it with me...it's their loss. Just a steady reminder to myself for all the good stuff I did try to bring, and did it selflessly. 

Meanwhile, I guess with all things in life you just gotta power through certain things, huh? 

When I see the state of the world now, it just looks to me like a lot of it is so broken and sad and filled with hate. I just don't want to contribute to that in even a small way. I'm tired of narcissism and it's time for it to go. Enough. Enough with the bad choices, enough with stupidity, distrust whatever the fuck it's just enooooouuugh with the dystopia it's time for the good stuff. Level up. 

And so it goes. And fuck godot too haha. No waiting for late comers. 

~

Watched a tiny bit of magnus on rogan and just shaaaame on him yuck. Again bringing up the same ol hans thing and making jokes about the beads like do these people never understand he was a kid? It's soooo bad to try and cash out on someone's mistakes yuck. I legit am losing all respect for this guy. Ugh. I really dislike bullies. Yuck dude. Imagine a world where you legit start feeling bad for a person as twatty as hans lol. Pathetic, all of them pathetic.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Workout, warm shower and then just getting into bed after applying some nice lotion. 

Feels so good to smell all nice and feel all cozy ugh. Just love ittttt. 

These are a few of my favourite things. ♥️

~

Now just gotta make sure I sleep by 12 am. Hehe. In due time. Staying up at night just feels so good man. Ugh.loooove it.

~

This short story spree I've been on is actually quite nice...been finding some really good authors and one a day is the sweet spot. 

My story for Maya is finally done damn... Duuude. I've written so many words in the recent past. It feels nice to be able to think and structure this stuff. Damn. Feels nice. There a lot of contentment in being able to create something 

Tactics

Sadlers channel actually helps me see chess in a way I'm comfortable. It's very coding based and luckily it's easier for me to view things more mathematically than positionally etc. I'm still not able to articulate or visualise it exactly right but I think with some steady work I can get there. It's the unintuitiveness people keep talking about that I actually like a lot simply cuz it's easier to think like that. Which is very similar to how one views codes and algos. It's interesting to note the difference between understanding and application too. And how much of rote learning of patterns etc might actually be done in lieu of calc. However I want to simply focus on calc and fucking train myself to do it. Haha. Ok I'll try harder from now atleast safely broke the 3+0 habit. 

The mate here is just so good. And I'm so happy to have worked it out. 

Family dynamics can be so weird at times man. Seriously. Esp when one side is toxic. And idk how but it's always dad's side. I feel so protective of my mum because of it. Sitting around trying to help his brother after angio while his adult child has gone back to a diff city. How fucking pathetic is my cousin that she just left her own father and went back. And how sad that my mom has to stay back and help him. And bro telling me my other cousin also used to ignore him like come on dude. My dad pays for half your shitty lives. Atleast have some decency and not this contemptuous behaviour. Imagine taking financial and physical help from someone and then acting snooty with no actual merit or accomplishments to your own name. Ugh. I just hate it dude. Just reinforces my determination to stay the fuck away from these folks. I think my main thing is just being protective of my mother that's all. Idc care about anything but I don't want her to face any disrespect ever. Fucking will fight the goddamn world for it. Assholes. And my bitch of a granny dude. Complete dickhead. Her presence has ruined my entire family dynamics, truly... Gah. 

You know part of the reason I never wanted to get married was simply seeing this toxicity growing up. But I swear to god I shall never allow for toxic people to enter my life again. I am moooore than willing to be of help and show care to someone but fuck you if you don't bring the same level of respect towards me and my loved ones, I will not hesitate to just leave them on the spot. Fuck all of you cunts. 

2040 rapiddd

 Woohooo!!

Lmfao so cool to play on alt and just hit the goal cuz inactivity. Just beat two people ezpz. ♥️

Clean victory against the 1998 too. Haha. That was so nice... I'm liking wing gambit but hard to say rn why it's good and what's the advantage post development. Wanna figure it out for myself. Woohoooo. I got my 2k rapid ahahha. Fun STUFFFFF.

Haha let's see at what level this rating stabilizes. Or am I afraid to find out? 🤭

~

Getting random neimann recos. It's interesting to me how he is shaping up. Idk if it's a complete con or there's something more to him but idk. It's a redemption arc of sorts I guess. It's nice man. I don't know him personally so who tf knows if he is a nutter or was just a silly teen but the thing I can empathise with and what I actually do admire is his resilience. To face this level of scrutiny but also have the belief and work ethic to prove people wrong is quite something. Hopefully he isn't a cheat that's all. Hmmm. I guess it's what J. Krishnamurthy used to paraphrase which has always been a worthwhile quote to me. Take the lessons you feel are beneficial and discard the rest. Sure, he may not objectively be a good person but I have no way of knowing it. What I can see and respect is the spirit even though I do not find him likeable at all lol. Oh well. Tis what tis. Maybe why I like it is also cuz internally it reflects to me my own mindset in some small way. I do not like to quit and even when things get bad, I do try to find a way to get up and get moving. I am proud of that quality in myself because this is what I rely on wholeheartedly. Hehe. I guess I've always known and accepted at the back of my mind that I just have to do it myself. And I will. 😊

Musicccc need some lovely music. Oof. 

 

How good is watterson, truly. ♥️

Hehe... My love for art is purely about how much you can express with it. Wish I had some idea for a webcomic sometimes would have loved to create one. 

I genuinely do not know why I can spot errors in lichess games I spectate but not have bad attention when I'm playing mine. It's so excruciating to watch even 2500s play on lichess when they just make sooooo many stupid mistakes god every wrong move just hurts. And yet I'm not actually 2500 lmfao. Fuck. But daaaamn I hate it. I REALLY DO. I've said it before and I say it again. It is unreal how annoying chess can be and unreal how frustrating it must be for actual good players to watch this stuff lmfao

Man, discovering a new love for short stories tbh. Finding new authors and I'm so happy about that. Soooo much richness in knowledge out there isn't it? Amazing. Truly.

Akutagawa Ryunouske

Reading Kappa and idk man I'm so stuck on all these old timey authors always. All the so called current fiction I've read pales so hard when I read these old dudes. Heh. Well, I tried.

Hmmm. I feel like sometimes it's very weird that someone I've been friends with for so long doesn't seem to understand me at all. 

~

I don't know what to do about that lol. I think part of the fault lies in me, and my reluctance to call a situation out directly and head on. Then the resentment just builds. I think I should be a bit more open and honest about stuff that bothers me. And also do it in a way that's not abrasive. Lord, these are the skills they should mandatorily teach you lol.

~

I am actually craving some good company maybe. And some wholesomeness actually. I really am. Someone that shares my wavelength. I actually really, really miss that. 😶 Plus idk. Maybe it's harder to keep friends as you age? Idk. 

Just getting a bit weird this zone... Hmmm. 

~

Anyway, in the interim I'm going to take this as a sign to shift my focus and put it solely on things that need doing. I don't think excessive mindspace on people is something I can afford this year so it's best to let it go and stay busy with stuff. I don't really know what else to do tbh. Heh. Never thought I'd hear myself saying that. Screw it. I'm giving up I just can't do it anymore. I'm gonna just hit a break point if I don't. I just feel very beat up. Race to rock bottom is now complete. ✅

WASTED AN ENTIRE DAY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING ZOMG

 I have GOT TO STOP PLAYING RAPID LIKE BULLET I FINISH HALF THE STUPID GAME IN 35 S WTF IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE.

~

Feel like throwing my phone fuck me. Just so fuckign pissed off rn ughhhh

3 days of period exhaustion is lifting and I feel like I have a new lease on life lol. Never felt this way before interesting change. How to drag myself out of bed now? The thought of working out feels unreal. I'm going back to sleep fuck it.

~

Lol. Reading this and now I wanna laugh. Man. I become a baby atleast once a month haha. Well, it's okay little coddling for me should be there. I've changed so much from that ' I don't need anyone' approach I used to have to a gentler version that really values when I am cared for and now I don't think I can ever do without it. Hehe. I actually really want to experience that comfort tbh. The right way. Esp now that I'm so sure it's possible, I just don't see any value in lowballing myself. Fucking finally huh. 🥳

~

 Scrolling news has really become depressing tbh. Seems Danya is quitting commentary for health reasons. Crazy. That lunatic must have really caused him a lot of mental anguish. It's nuts how filled with bullies this world is, and how relentless they can be. I genuinely feel bad for the guy, I've always thought well of him overall and that crazy campaign just seemed exceptionally narcissistic. So hate fueled. My dislike for most of the chess world is actually quite deep now lol. I suppose I finally do understand what that dude meant when he told me they all have small dick syndrome. Well a lot of them anyway. It's crazy how normalised abusive asf behaviour is in this sport, noone seems to have any emotional regulation or even any maturity lmao. Or oversight either. Zero accountability. All v vulture like. Kinda feels bad tbh. One of the more toxic professions out there, for sure. Still, I prefer reading about developments here than other news the rest these days is toooo negative. Where did all the benign shit about movie releases and Good stuff like that go? 

~

Ugh and I have to make time for that narc story also today damn. God, I have no energy and so much work to finish. 💀

~

Oh wow and I see this guy dropped by this month. Hmmm. I do not understand you my darling. You'll do every little thing except just be nice to me directly no? Here's a confession since I noticed it recently. Everytime I was mad, you seemed agitated. And yet never did anything and lead me to think you didn't care. Why? Not like I'd have bitten your head off if you'd just been nice. Such a weird choice to make, honestly. You didn't once stop to think hey I'm violating her privacy maybe I shouldn't? Or was it just a 'oh good look what I'm getting away with? ' Or was it just fun to keep doing that, all while sleeping around with women who eventually showed up crying? All cheater moves. Every last one. The glass slipper that only fit cinderella, eh? :) Anyway. I shall never trust a cheater so that's that. Not even angry now, I don't think I care. Here's a little secret about people. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong or you feel like you are right always. What matters in any equation is how you make the other person feel. That's why the adage: "win the argument, lose the person." You should remember that next time you treat someone badly. Anyway. Blah.

...Hellos I guess. For the next time you peek and read this. Hehe. I'm tired complaining about you so I shall not mention you after this. You please stop sneaking around and behave better lol. This is v childish. So is playing 10+0, tigers aren't supposed to drop hints to make people do stuff. This whole " oh look at me, so cool as cucumber just doing my thing and you came to me and I didn't etc" schtick is very lame, and the reason why I think you have NPD cuz noone normal needs to be this phobic of directness. Feel free to read about it in actual articles too. I won't respond to any manipulation anymore, if you want me around figure out how to be humble, direct and decent. Made me laugh though, just the silliness of it is like.💀😶 So for whenever next you sneak by howdy! 🙋‍♀️

On a serious note: May god bless your soul dude, and may you someday heal a little bit, and learn to be a somewhat decent human being. Until then, cheerio, laddie! 

Uncle undergoing angioplasty. Fuck dude. So scared when I heard that... I'm soooo scared of this stuff fuck. Man. I promise myself one fucking thing. Fron this moment on every asshole I love and care about will get my 100% care for the rest of my fucking life. I will not put up with bullshit nor will I ever leave the sides of people I care about. My family and my future family will never be lacking in any support and care. Amen. 

~

Fuck dude fam is filled with lunatics only didn't even tell until operation was underway like whaaaaat is that god such fucking children only in my family I just feel like shouting at everyone all the time lmao. Crazy peeps. Ugh. 

News these days is so geared to give you emotional highs and lows it's crazy. The cute stuff is too cute and ott, the horrid stuff is too horrid. I miss the days when I simply avoided the news lmao

Periods 3 days early also 💀🥺

I feel BLUEEEEEEEE. UGH. 

It sucks that I actually felt tired all day today. Body is just saying cuddle in bed. :( :( 

I want some chocolate 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 🍫 

And to cry also 

😩💀🥺😭😵

The Secret Miracle - Borges story

 

It's fascinating to me that chess gets mentioned so much in the stories I'm reading these days. I forgot the name of the phenomenon wherein maybe cuz something is familiar it becomes noticable but man. Fascinating. 

~

Finished it. This man is a complete genius. Hard as this 4 page story is, containing some elements of the holocaust as well, the idea that he can write such a painfully visceral text in such a short way is unreal to me. Also, I feel sick why tf did the world hate the Jews so much man it's so fucked upppppp. This story also reminds me of jallianwala bagh. I hate racism. I completely and utterly hate it. 

Woohoo wins

I have zero idea what an international correspondence chess master is, but... I beat him in a correspondence game wooohooo 🎉🥳🎈 

Keeping his cert for posterity haha

Actually so fun to play against someone that is a good player tbh. Makes me also want to think. I get all loosey goosey against opponents that are the same as me. Tf is a 2400 correspondence rating even lol. Need to find outttt

~

One of the minute downsides of chess - reading a discussion on the opening of a short story and the word opening makes me think e4 🙄💀

Saw a clip of hiki feeling down after losing. Felt bad for the guy. Then also saw his wife being there and felt low key nice at how she was to him. Life can take you up many ups and downs but having someone genuine when you hit a low is also important. Wheel of time, eh?

I think I'm just gonna really focus on myself this year. I feel this sense of complete and utter people fatigue and defeat and I juuuuust don't want to spend a single minute on anyone anymore. Fuck it. Let me just do what I want from now. For once imma be selfish about my time and myself. Heh. Finally reached my break point I guess. Lol. Fuck it, it's for the greater good. I will move past this, and I will build what I want to. 

Niki Tesla had a pigeon wife ahahahahahga..omggg. That man. I want to use this as a username lmfao.

Woo

Duuuude. This just came up on my timeline again damn. 

Woo

Heh... I had loved it so much when I first heard it. Just as I do now. Dammit. Should have thanked thibault for introducing this song tbh lol. Love it just as much as I did when I first heard it. ♥️ You can always trust coders to find the little known music. One of life's patterns that holds true. 

~

I don't know what this one reminds me of, but it does something. Idk what, for once I also don't care what. Just a tiiiiny hint of crimson in it too.

Whichever way you are going

~

In stillness, in silence. When I'm alone, happy and just feel at ease. It's sounds like these that just capture me. 

As I've said before,

Love,

Me. 

~

Rowling is an ass, but she captured this one thing really well. Love really drives all the dementors away. It really is the antidote to darkness. 

~

I remember the first time I swooned my heart out for Pachelbel. And now it's the next song lol. Never, never had I heard it, and it took my heart away. Such a little cherished memory, such a shame I must lock you away. Brought me to my knees, that you did. And I am not the one to bend the knee hehe. Damn. What a pretty fucking song. All the gentleness in my heart, and all my care, all my love. All of it comes alive when I hear this, just as it did the first day I heard it too. Heh. Noone knows this about me. How gentle I can be. I hide that the most, I guess I don't trust just anyone to see. Well. Wash away the grime of the world, why don't you? ♥️

Really enjoying the knight odds bot tbh. It's so damn good. Would love to see more experienced players try their hand at fucking with it haha. I doubt they'd succeed at short controls but it's still so damn good to watch. Still remember how it crushed fabi completely that was nuts. 

Knew I'd have a nightmare and I did. Ugh. I just hope. No matter what... I hope everyone and I mean EVERYONE fucking takes care of themselves responsibly. Ugh. Can't even dislike a person in peace without getting nightmares about them sheesh. 

Ivan

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/itjoEQIEPM

The first pic on here just broke my heart. On a casual day, just scrolling before bed only to find the most gruesome photo I have possibly ever seen in my life. Oh lord. Sometimes I genuinely feel if I could talk to god, any god... Any god that exists I would really want to know why? Just why? 

I have tears in my eyes rn and I know they are pointless asf but dammit dude. From the bottom of my heart I wish I could alleviate all this suffering. Damn man. Pictures like these just put entire lives in perspective. 

Always, pick love and kindness because there's enough fuckers out there who aren't able to. Bless this man who gave her a good life. 

This might possibly be the most visceral picture I have ever seen in my life. 

I just learnt the word Putz. And I really wanna call someone this. Hahahahhaha. Hahahaha fuck. Putz.

You are such a Putz.  Ugh I wish I could use it on someone...What a Putz. Hahahahahha shit. I love this. Why is this word so cuuute? ♥️ 

Kanye west is a raging anti semite? Wtf man. Who knew. These people are so addled in the head to just go around talking about hitler etc being cool like what in the woooorld. How fucking despicable. And the complete irony of a person of colour saying that like bruh what in the world. 🙄. Some people really just need an epic ass kicking. 

I am stunned at the writings of Jorge Luis Borges holy fuck why have I never read him before? What a way to write sci fi man. Daaaamn. Stuck by the idea of the library of Babel. Ffs. So damn good. 

Ninjutsu

Sometimes I wonder if people don't feel possessive does that mean they simply don't care? Or is it simply my blind spot? Funny how emotions can be tbh. Hard to separate projection at times. The one genuine answer lies with the stoics in that don't ever get attached to anything and you can be free. But damn it's hard huh. 

Ugh. 

Complete cock. 

~

Also, I find it soooo hard to give myself credit for anything ever. It feels like it'll lead to complacency maybe idk. But just seeing some offhand vid of neimann where he is creating his good guy arc and idk. Something about such a youngling striving also makes me feel like sooo many people out there have so many uphill battles. Some of their own making but fucking uphill nonetheless. Gotta really have a tough mindset no matter what. It's crazy how much disciple is needed and how easy it is to slide by as well. The curse of good enough eh? Hmmm. 

~

Well, here's to consistency and to holding down the fort for our own selves. 

"The best is yet to come."

That shall be my way of the ninja. Hehe. 

At times I spectate games and it feels really good to see a 2600+ IM beat someone like Jobava etc. Esp with a 400 point difference in rating I bet they actually think and play. Feels good man. May they all get better so I can root against them later and root for some upstart hehe.

I don't know if Gregor Samsa is pitiful or something else but my god do I associate him with someone. It feels awful that my mind just makes this connect and yet I instinctively see that character in that person. Damn dude. Sucks. 

~

It feels like a very pitiful thought to me and I feel so bad for him actually. Damn dude. Sometimes peoples' lives make me so sad. 

~

Okay rereading this story was a mistake... I feel so much pity at this character wtf. It's so disturbing and saaaaad dammit. Oh man. Why why why did I read ittttt? 😭 Fuck dude. Sometimes empathy is a curse and how. I just feel so goddamn bad I want to fix it for him lmao. Of all the irrational urges. Some authors capture pain in such an evocative way man. Fuck. I never interpreted this story as I do now. And it is making me feel nauseated tbh. 

Always knew Kafka was a genius but just now I'm realising he was a man of immense empathy. 

Oh man. I have to work really hard this year. I think somewhere I'm very happy about that. Not happy exactly but that sense of purpose kind of makes it good. I'm anyway feeling myself detach from peeps around me and idk I feel like that ok maybe I just need objectives to fulfill for the time being. Really fed up with everything else tbh. So fuck it. Let me just be consistent and keep tracking progress too. FoF needs to be overcome for this one thing lol. I have to tackle it. 

Tonight I feel like Franny! 

Idk what it is about sudden heat waves and the general sultriness in the air that makes me grouchy. 

Reminds me of this from the one book that taught me about the value of experience. 

~

"I’m not afraid to compete. It’s just the opposite. Don’t you see that? I’m afraid I will compete - that’s what scares me. That’s why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I’m so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else’s values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn’t make it right. I’m ashamed of it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I’m sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash.”

Like her...

I'm just so sick sick sick of it all. 

~

Who knew this tiny novella I picked up on a whim, which I first read and thought what hooey why they so whiny! Will end up being a book I revisit and remember at so many diff points and GOOOODDDDD I hate that I understand it lmfao. Fuck that sucks ass, truly. 

~

I wanna go bungee jump or something just so sick of everyone and everything and going stir crazy. This must be that dreaded midlife crisis dayum. 

Kindergarten

Something severely wrong with the chess world man. Like. How are they sooooo juvenile just cribbing about their convos on twitter and all 😭😭😭😭😭😭 

It's like a bunch of teenage gossips chiiii. Magnus too has become sooooo lame. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Grown men with parents accompanying them on work and taking messages ugh 😩😩😩😩😩 

" Second star to the right, and straight on till morning! "

Ugh. What a pretty line. Just so easy to capture beauty in such a simple way. Absolutely gold. 

Wish fulfilment extraordinaire 

Knick knacks

I am so excited that these candles have a remote and I can actually use it from far fuuuuck...omggggg. Istg technology rocks!!! Bruuuh and it even has a timer who knew these are things I needed WHO KNEWWWWW

I had this nxf2 right after I misclicked and went na4 instead of nb5. And then I see a similar motif in a game I'd been meaning to check out. Ugh. Sometimes coincidences are so nice. 

 

Ego

I've always considered it to be the last refuge of the weak. Like cornered animals striking out. And it's only when I feel weak I get defensive too. When I witness it in people, esp ones who feel the need to demean others in order to highlight themselves - I feel this urge to just give it a reality check. And those checks often times turn me into an ascerbic person too. It's a shocking personality trait that only rears it's ugly head in situations where I chalk them into a win lose scenario. But that's my line in the sand too. If I speak to you and am nice, then you have to bring the same level of respect and decency to the table. If you can't abide by those basic rules of engagement then well, that will lead to an ego clash. The sad part is that I don't actually enjoy being mean to someone but my gooood it's very hard to look the other way when someone outright tries to disrespect. And I know the aftermath will simply breed resentment because... Well because people who do that are sooo fucking fragile that the minute you show them a mirror they'll cower and then internally hate you. Ugh. See, that's the thing. I don't know temperance when it boils down to a win lose. I have never once struck out at someone vindictively on my own, but the last few years have genuinely tested my resolve and my patience. And when questions like " hmm who do you think you are even? " Followed by vitriol with the intent to hurt sets in, that's very, very tough to overcome. And I know that bit is my ego that's fighting against what I see as injustice to me. So it's not rational at times, but I suppose when you come in contact with someone who is uber sensitive and prone to lashing out, that becomes a somewhat de facto response in order to protect yourself. 

Oh lord these stupid ego battles man...honestly no good comes of them but daaaamn. A lot of times when I would witness C speak to her, in my mind I would be appalled. Like howwww howww can you tolerate that vibe for days on end? But I guess with him it's tempered with niceness and care? I don't know. Sometimes I see that care, other times I'm like holy fuck. But then I have put up with a lot worse with M. That ego and the kind of constant self focus was never tempered by any care or decency so technically I'm sure she isn't wrong when she is like what do you see in this person. That was a good question. I don't know what I saw? Hmmm. I guess. Idk. I suppose I had an imaginary version of him in my mind, the version that was nice. And in holding on to that version, I made concessions for all other behaviour thinking yeah maybe it's just a person that's decent underneath all that. I don't believe that anymore I think underneath is a person that is a lot worse than I can imagine now. Lmao. Shit. Sobering thought huh? 

Yeah. Whatever I can say of C... The thing is he does bring a caring vibe to the equation. And I guess that's what is so important. I see her more or less taking care of finances between them and neither her not I ever thought less of him or anyone for not making money etc. But the non negotiable for both of us has been respect and care. I'm glad it's the same for me. At some point I was beginning to think it wasn't. Lol made numerous attempts to walk but then used to go back thinking maybe person isn't that bad. I think in the past I showed a lot of care and support to this guy too, but the lack of care and decency from his end, the egoistic bs, the weird need he had to even show me how high and mighty he is, instead of being grateful for how good and caring I had consistently been to him... Yeah that's quite unpardonable tbh. It's very important in life to learn to be humble and grateful. Because the world is filled with colossal idiots who can do you harm. If you turn your well wishers into enemies in the end all you'll get are people who feel the need to write shit about you a decade after knowing you. Which is why it's important never to hurt someone's pride. Heh. It's interesting how even good businessmen know that. That's why they are good at business cuz they intrinsically have very good people skills. Not manipulation, not trying to "stack pieces" etc. that's all bullshit. It's just humility and regard that always wins respect and consideration. 

Heh...it's a funny thing, ego. It makes you feel like it's protecting you... But all it's really doing is sounding a loud horn about what makes you weak. It's not bad to be weak. It's perfectly fine and natural at times. But it is bad to not realise it and continue to be in a state of hypersensitivity. That's what makes it sad to the onlooker who can see the entire battle you are waging against yourself. Funny thing about even M's ego when I see it in these instances where he can't make things better etc. I guess he feels like he would be wiped out and negated if he has to admit he cares about someone and wants them to not leave him. What he perceives as begging I suppose. Interestingly, for me... It's soooo important to feel like I'm cared for and wanted that this trait is super at odds with his. Which is ironic because he himself has such a deep need to feel valued and appreciated. It's so fundamental to him, and yet he can't provide the same for someone else. Go figure. Maybe it's like a famine mindset idk. "Like all appreciation must come my way cuz I'm so in need of it, I can't let the spotlight be on someone else." I feel sorry for him if that's true. It must be hell to need something so deeply. I am not insecure in that regard so showing someone value has never made me feel like I'm depleting mine. It's actually a source of happiness for me to see someone feel cared for and comfortable. Well, his insecurities are on him ya. Can't solve stuff for a grown man. These are things people figure out in their 20s that too like. 

Like Atkinson says, with enough distance life is funny. Let's just fine the humor in it all. Heh. Let my also try my best to not be consumed by mine and forget temperance. "You never know the full story, so the best choice is to be kind despite it all." Words I've tried to always be my guiding force, and rn it's very, very hard to adhere to them, but I will try with all my might to uphold the promise I made myself. Really have to dig deep to find the strength to do that this once hehe. Yeah. I don't want to be the person who has to have such mean thoughts towards someone or this weird urge to want to hurt their ego. I know I'm hurt... I know it's unfair... I know it's fucking batshit crazy that he can pry on my life fucking 20 odd times a day like he was in December only to behave like this now. Lmao. Lunatic. Buuuuut. I did choose to care so I haaaave to dig deep and find a way to move past all this without vitriol because that is who I wish to be. Fuck. Soooo tough rn but nvm. I'll keep trying. Heh...let me treat skeptical racists with consideration. Fuck it. I can do it. Last mile, eh? SOOOOOONNNN :)