Thoughts

I am a very private person. My thoughts, my feelings... Everything used to be stuff I guarded with a lot of fierceness, almost all of my life. Not feeling safe enough to share with anyone coupled with my natural tendency to be possessive of myself. 

On a whim, I decided that I'd try to create a small niche where I can be completely honest. And by honest I meant honest. I didn't want to sugarcoat anything. So I could have a mirror of sorts to understand better why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and how to make decisions that are thought out. In doing so, I ended up writing things that are extremely vulnerable to me, as well as giving an overblown insight into me, because my actual life and interactions are a lot more tempered and even. I'm sure most other people too have a similar way of being. Their inner world which noone knows and the outer, which is a lot more visible. While I chose to open myself up this way, it amused me that in some random corner of the world I could choose to be that open and defenceless. I wasn't and am not a risk taker, and while I was okay with being open, I was very careful about always guarding the privacy of others. I never name them, never will. Protecting my own people, even in a small way, means a ton to me. There's maybe 4 people in this world that I chose to share this with over the years and I knew it'll be forgotten by most anyway and yes, that's how it was. With all except one, which I now regret deeply. Plus I didn't care if some random stranger comes across it cuz I mean blah. I don't think my feelings would be of much value to a stranger. 

I am wondering now if it's a good idea to continue. When I found out that fucker Pranav was just spying incessantly, behind my back... it was so creepy and violating to know that someone could do that. Someone who at some point knew me and was a friend and then they just keep accessing feelings and thoughts I explicitly did not want to share with them ever. It felt so malevolent, especially given how he had chosen to be a complete abusive asshole to me to my face. I hate him. I find him repulsive asf and I hate him completely and if I could turn back time, I would make sure I had never said hi to him. Cuz I did not sign up for such shitty intrusive behaviour and he has no right over me so to speak, to even consider flouting that boundary. Who should be how close to me is something only I get to decide. Funny thing is I had chosen to overlook his shitty behaviour up until the moment I realised he was acting like a lunatic. And that breach of trust was irreparable. All of it was vile. All of it. And scary asf to boot. And why did I find it so violating? Hmmm. I guess because I explicitly do not consider him close and I do not and will not ever want someone to force their way into my inner world when for years I never let them in. I don't give a shit if he thought he was lonely or upset or whatever the fuck, it doesn't give him the right to invade. People like him just suck cuz they are the ones who do shitty things then act like some self pitying victim. 

And now, that stupid email I got the other day is making me paranoid and wondering if it's a good idea to keep it alive. I hate that I feel he could have done it, even though it's abysmally pathetic to bother someone a year and a half after they have stopped talking to you. And to pull such a cheap, in the gutter stunt is stuff I only associate with complete losers. But the fact that I can't quite even think well enough of him to conclude that no, it's just a glitch is just sad. 

All in all, it feels like the purpose is defeated. I cannot just be open and honest if I feel like someone is there who should not be. Hell, I don't even tell either of the Ms a lot of this stuff because I don't want my bid at honesty to be detrimental or hurtful to them ever. And they are active parts of my life. Esp as there have been times I've been very angry at one of them in particular, and I would never want him to bear the brunt of it in such an unfiltered way. In fact, I'd happily share everything with either of them cuz I trust them both, but the manner and ways I say it would be a lot different and considerate where it needs to be. 

But a third person who also knows me? No. Fuck no. I do not want anyone else to ever know any private details about my circle. The very idea is sickening. 

Idk. I'm at the moment just annoyed, repulsed and at the end of the day that feeling of being violated keeps coming back and I guess I'm just done with it all. 

Using my personal Id and sending random bs stuff and getting bs emails like this is not it!