And so many people do grow up in households where their mental mindset is never really taken into account. It's a story that's way more common than it needs to be. But as you grow older you have a responsibility to yourself to realign yourself. Atleast I believe that. Have to end that cycle of shittiness from within.
I had felt so much delayed trauma after my last two relationships that I simply felt shut down, then when I started feeling better there was such a sense of fear of getting hurt again. It was a hellish experience, particularly with the narc, because it was so unreal to day in and day out just be subjected to the feeling of not being human, of someone willingly trying to belittle you, ignore everything about you, ignore even the smallest things you do that you might be proud of... Because acknowledgement from them comes at the price of self respect. You literally have to ask them lots so they feel like their opinion is valued. For even the simplest of things. I had no idea people like that exist earlier, and I kept thinking something is wrong with me maybe. Lol. How sad. It was an unfortunate mix of fears too I guess. But the experience, and every experience since has actually taught me that valuing myself is of prime importance. So in that way I'm actually grateful. It helped me release, understand and change for the better. Haha. Just decided to remove all baggage from the past and kept at it until it was gone.
I recall how bad I had felt when M point blank refused to say hi to me. It hurt so damn much to know that a person I'd hitherto been so caring to, whose insecurities I'd tried to be mindful of from the start would just straight up treat me this way. When I first met him, it used to surprise me that he would get offended over some things I considered not too great. Then I felt like hmmm, okay maybe someone who is always trying their best doesn't like it when they feel like someone is being critical, which I wasn't to be fair, but at the same time I realised if he interprets it that way, then I should be more mindful and phrase things in a way that don't make him feel bad. At most steps, I tried to make him feel comfortable, something I do for most people I care about. And then to have that person just straight up be like no was so weird and unsettling. As I got over the hurt, I also realised that at the end of the day I'm not entitled to anyone's care and if they genuinely feel a need to be so firm about something then obviously it's not right to push and I let it go and didn't judge him or be nasty to him. It would have been mighty easy for almost anyone else to just be like fuck you, you are an asshole. But even assholes are entitled to keep their boundaries and I meant what I said then, like you obv don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with. For me, it was the last moment of any expectation that I had, which I let go. And in a sense it was great because it's the right thing to do. While I do think that treatment and the silence for a month after was unwarranted, I also realised that he has a lens that's only aimed at protecting himself. I used to find it insulting that someone can question my integrity, I still do tbh. But I've come to detach enough to realise it's actually not about me at all. It's just an existential think for him to want to feel safe. Funnily enough, that just made me feel bad. Like so fucking bad. Cuz like... I can't imagine being in a situation where life has made you so paranoid that you feel like you need to always be on alert. And it must be something awful to have made him that way. Even that thing he said about 1000 calls like wtf. He said it so casually like it's an everyday thing. No, it isn't. It's fucking abusive asf. And honestly I can't even imagine a guy doing this to me, I'd be terrified. It made me understand him a bit better tbh. I'd have been v insulted earlier if I thought someone thinks I'd be this way to them and that's why they need to be firm. Now I just feel a sense of compassion cuz I realised it's really not about me, it's about him and his past. And that fucking felt worse cuz wth man. He is my friend at the end of the day, and as hurtful as he has been at times, the idea that someone would have done something so bad to him is very unsettling and I hate it. Weird that knowing him has actually made me confront a whole lot of my own internal fears and let them go. It was a funny situation, the things he triggered in me were all my internalised fears and not things he had actively done. And we are both somewhat similar in that maybe we are both trusting people who got fucked so now are trying to ensure it doesn't happen again. Great...now I feel bad for this ass lmao. He truly is an ass though. Haha. I'm fond of him, but my god he can be an ass. God knows I've been extremely cautious about trusting him too, it's not as if there haven't been moments where I thought some awful things about him too. For that I am sorry. I should not talk to someone if I think they are capable of shit like that and if I am talking to them then I should not let my mind go towards something so nasty. I genuinely regret that part. I never told him so, but maybe someday I will. I must have been a bit erratic too at times and he didn't judge me for it, but has been steady in his own right. And For that I am grateful. I guess there are some people in the world that you actually want in your corner for some reason, and I wanted to know he would be in mine. Idk if that's wrong or right, it just is what it is. I actually don't care about his achievements or anything else, but something about the person he is, is the thing that I genuinely liked from the start. Cuz achievements and all are great, but I've known so many high achievers over the years and I don't really value that beyond a point, cuz a loooot of them were also turds. Such folks never are good in the long run, they don't make you happy even in friendships. Always just trying to pull someone down or compete with them for no reason, it's just shameful.
Sometimes you just go through a bad phase right. Hehe. I know now that there will be balance in our friendship, atleast from my end. A person who impacted my life, whatever the stage and state it may be in, is at the end of the day someone who makes a difference. But it's time for the difference to be a net positive and genuine too, and add some happy value to my life. He has to be dependable atleast.
Anyway, no more bullshit and no more harmfulness. Be clean, be nice and most of all, feel safe. Haha. It's hard some days when you remember how people fucked you over, but neither of us are inherently bad or looking to be harmful, so it should be okay. This is why I hate fear, and why it's called a self fulfilling prophecy I guess. Cuz in looking for trust, if you behave in ways that are erratic, it might come off as strange. Gotta just relax and allow things to go with the flow without judgement.
I'm glad I made the effort over these years tbh. Everyone feels a sense of lack in some area or the other of life, but that can't be the only lens you look at life from. Gotta be able to dream of a good future.
And lately, I've started also feeling like you cannot be skeptical of every person that comes your way. People are a mix of good and bad, but cannot just be trying to protect yourself in ways that you get paranoid about everyone. That paranoia will be evident and eventually drive away all the good ones, and only toxic people will stick around and that becomes a loop imo. All this bpd, npd stuff is very rare anyway, most people are just normal with good days and bad days. Just because something bad happens to you once doesn't mean it needs to happen again, just take it as an unfortunate circumstance, laugh it off and try better next time. Ezpz. ;)
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