Sometimes the sound of paws of the doggie upstairs feels so endearing. The gait, the slowness of it, when he shuffles against the wall. It's just so damn cute. I love animals so much. There's this sense of slowness and just existing with them that I find lovely. Paws and pause, it's nice that they go well together. Hehe. I can imagine laying in bed with a dog putting his snout on my tummy. Patting it's head and generally feeling it's warmth. Especially retrievers, they have the exact right sized heads to casually pat haha. I used to looove holding my dogs' snout and then kissing her cheek also, it felt adoooorable. What an asshole she used to be too, completely forgot her training, would sneak on the bed when we weren't home, then sneak under it the minute we got back. I remember how much hair and a dog shaped depressing on my bed everytime with her looking up like wut wut.
Even the one time she was sick, I actually had to sleep under the bed with her cuz she would cry otherwise. Hehe, stayed up all night to comfort her and comfort myself cuz seeing someone in pain is so tough for me.
Love you Gambol, never got another pet after you passed cuz I don't think it would be fair to. And I can't bear the idea of losing one ever again. I couldn't even watch the end of Marley and me, I recall simply skipping it.
Losing pets and people you love is so tough. That void is unreal. Everytime I visit granny's home, I feel the absence of my aunt so keenly. A light just goes out forever. End of last year, I kept thinking of how it must be for naro's gf and family who might also be so shattered. The thought of losing someone you wish to spend your life with is so fucked up man. I suppose in some odd way it made me want to distance myself from some elements of the chess world too.
My entire morality and life philosophy is centred around love and life, trying to do right by people, cherishing them was always important because you never know when you don't have them around. I'm glad that still holds true, and that life experiences haven't dulled that central part of my being.
I suppose I'm better at guarding my own boundaries, but every time I have to do that I feel a bit like a caged bird who yearns to run free. I suppose it's not the same for everyone but pettiness has always felt so silly to me. It's very childish and that's something I hope I never stoop down to. Gah. Stupid boundaries haha. But well, I suppose I gotta look at it as blinkers to ensure I align my needs along a path where only people who are similarly aligned walk in. Then again, can just be like dogs and be happy and eat well and run around and let everything else be. Hehe.
Good lord it's already Jan 5!!
