Existentialism - Circa 2012

A note to self, from four years ago:

There is only a finite amount of time in which to do it all. As opposed to the slow changing universe. We may never know why we are here, why there are lessons to be learnt, what the end goal is, if any at all. So finding order out of the silent chaos seems like a fool's errand. We strive, but we don't know why. We care, one day just to die. We feel, react, rationalize, connect, learn and do just about everything we do, but... we don't know why.

Maybe Sisyphus is the embodiment of it all. 

But even though there will always be questions about the goal, as of now, there's a journey to be undertaken. Maybe it's just to complete a chain we are only a small link of. But nonetheless, there must be a balance between them both. 

So go where your instincts take you. Trust that the only perceivable end is to learn, to modify, to reassemble and then learn some more.
Don't despair the snags and the drudgery. Revel that you can feel it. There may be a connector you find, a connector which can only be found in hindsight.
And more importantly, don't give up. 

And lastly, be honest. To yourself and to others. 
Have the courage to stand up for your convictions, and even stand up to your own self if necessary. Don't ever hide behind the fear of failure and contempt, for that too, is a form of dishonesty. Fooling yourself is worse than fooling others, simply because you are the only one that would know.
Open yourself up to ridicule and nakedness. Strip away the cocoon. Fresh air is always best felt on bare skin. 

And love, even when it's hard; share, even when you cannot. 

And do it all because these are the only things that, to you, feel right.

Rediscovered Karen's gift

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing." - Eve Ensler

Shakun Batra

Oh.My.God.

I am still reeling from watching Kapoor and Sons. What a fabulous movie! There aren't enough words to praise it. Every nuance, the script, the setting, the characters, everything was soooooo gooooooood! I have honestly never witnessed a bollywood movie that was so beautifully made. Couple years ago, I could not even have imagined that scripts like this would get produced.
Ahhh. Cannot stop raving!

And Fawad Khan. Holy ********* Shit. 

Words

Sometimes, saying them aloud seems like a sure way to diminish the value of the thought. There just don't seem to be enough permutations and combinations in the world to truly express that one thing you are dying to say out loud. Ironic.

A little bit of something

These days, it's becoming harder and harder to stay away from writing something or the other. Even if it is complete nonsense and there is no flow or significance to it. :)
I feel like it has become a form of solace for me. It feels incredible to be able to put down thoughts in the right order and with as much honesty as I can muster. Given all the things that have happened in the past month, turning to paper, or e-paper, as is the case; is the only way I am able to communicate with myself.

I took a day off from work, just to cocoon myself in my house, without the outside world creeping in. Watched Me and Earl and the dying girl just now. It was very touching, and made me cry throughout. So not exactly the best choice of movie. Speaking of which, there seem to be a whole host of coming of age movies being produced these past few years. I should really rake up some more of these to watch, specifically ones that don't make me weepy. :)

Monday wishes

Today is SUCH a pretty day.

 I slept properly after a long time, through the night and woke up with a smile. :)

A great day to cap off a taxing, albeit a very significant month. I simply cannot even begin to start comprehending all the things that all but changed this month. Life came around silently and sweetly and just jumped into another league altogether. Sigh. :)

I just want the cool windy nights to continue and the stars to come out and the moon to be full and the music to play and me to just dance and dance and dance and dance.

Tannaaanananananannananannana

"Dancing with you undercover.
Feels like there are no more lovers, lovers, lovers, 
left to discover
No other
Can make me breathe the way I do."

Lane 8! Damn. You speaketh to my soul. :D

Distance and displacement

"We tried a lot. Like a LOT"

"And then?"

"We took a break. Figured if it wasn't happening, we might as well take a breather. Get some distance, might do us good." 

"Did the distance help?"

"Yes, helped us experiment and figure out other things. That helped with the problem indirectly."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure how that happened."

"It's easier to make informed decisions. Informed decisions need information. Ergo, we gathered more. Tried different perspectives."

"That sounds logical. So what's the status now?"

"It's starting to make sense now."

"That's great!"

"Yes, it is! I'm very happy with the way it's panning out."

"I guess now it's a matter of time."

"I guess it always is."

 *smile*


Lane 8 - Undercover <3

At what point

... do you choose intuition over reason? Or vice versa? A leap of faith includes the belief that you'd spout wings along the way. :)

Nostalgia

Found this little attempt at poetry from way back in 2007. Young me did not believe in capital lettering, or general grammar. :) Reposting without editing. 

Titled: Kisses for my old man

a bright toothy smile
for strangers i meet
a dash of rosy love
and a dream to believe

a drink to celebrate
and moments to cherish
a faded old photograph
full of memories... to relish

a sprinkle of tears
for skinning my knee
for a puppy love lost
and the sting of little bees

a pocket full of rainbows
a giggle to be happy
a twinkling star to wish on
and a cottage by the sea

a friend by my side
a lover's hand to hold
a little wooden rocking chair
for the time when i'm old.

Tralalallalalllaaa

Oooh... current love: Walking on cars - Speeding Cars 

Such a niiiice chorus! Heart heart heart <3 

I want to hear more of these upbeat, melodic, piano-y songs! There's something unbelievably beautiful about the notes of a piano. 

And he sings:

"So if I stand in front of a speeding car

Would you tell me who you are, what you like? What's on your mind, if I'd get it right? How I love that no one knows And these secrets all that we've got so far The demons in the dark, lie again Play pretends like it never ends This way no one has to know

Even the half smile would have slowed down the time

If I could call you half mine
Maybe this is the safest way to go
We're singing 
Heya heya heya heya
Heya, heya heya
This is the safest way to go
nobody gets hurt
We're singing
Heya heya heya heya
Heya, heya heya."

I need

A swashbuckling EPIC! 

What do we do?

I have been reading a lot of Paul Graham's essays lately, and they are all so insightful. I quite enjoyed one of the shorter essays titled 'What doesn't feel like work?' The essence of the article, in his words, is: "If something that seems like work to other people doesn't seem like work to you, that's something you're well suited for."

Which is a very idealistic approach, I admit. And it may very well get diluted due to the constraints of real life situations and the like. But I do feel it is very very important to be able to clearly define your problem set in your life. Once you do that, you are free to go behind the solution ruthlessly and single mindedly. 

I have often noticed a certain lack of commitment in all the dreamers, and the above average - good at a lot of things - kind of people. They are waiting for an epiphany of sorts, which will make the path very clear in their heads. The downside of having an intellect, is the ability to spot the redundant patterns and foreseeing future circumstances, which are unappealing. The sum of all forces at that point, is inevitably zero. Until lightning strikes, they prefer to dawdle through life, never really putting their heart and soul into anything in particular. This phenomena then also permeates into their private life and results in dysfunctional relationships, friendships, career patterns etc. However, for a few, lightning does strike, and the same dawdling person suddenly is the most passionate and focused person you can see in your vicinity. 

Being on the impatient side, I find it hard to accept that you have to wait around for epiphany to strike. It is akin to sitting around on a bus stop, waiting for a bus to get there - who knows if the driver got lazy and stopped for some tea. It could happen. All of life's twists and turns may not be predictable, but there has to be a way to counter or at least marginalize the waiting period. I have often found that redefining the problem is what helps me snap out of my funk. What happens if today I don't do what I wanted to? Today, if I was 80, would I approve or disapprove of this choice I am making? So instead of finding excuses, I am actively trying to look at a different perspective, which changes the entire supposition set for me and consequently I avoid an earlier pattern. I am sure there would be many other ways, this is just one that works for me. 

A mistake we all make is thinking we have a lot of time on our hands. That passion will suddenly arise in us, the career path will come about, that art we want to create, yeah we'll do that sometime in the vague future. And of course - the bad friendships and relationships will sort themselves out, the fights will be resolved etc. etc. But the thing is we don't have the time. There is hardly any. Years are just going by, and the sense of achievement is lacking.

I met this guy who made tea in a client's office, and he happened to be one of the happiest people I have met. He also made the best tea I have ever had. And he always has a look of utter joy when you mention that to him. Now, this may be a paltry example, but the fact remains that his job and existence gave him much more joy than mine did me. So there must be a connection between loving your job, doing it well and staying happy.

The road to figuring it out is also littered with enticements and distractions, it is too easy to fall into the easy patterns and get complacent. And by all means, if complacency is the aspiration, it is a perfectly good choice, and will be a good life in the end.

But to the restless among us, complacent as a word is annoying. If we are trying to build something, carve a niche, and we want to applaud ourselves, the only choice left would be to never settle for mediocrity, and get moving. :)

Listening to: Caught a ghost - Sleeping at night! | Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Sacrilige

Restlessness

So uneasy these past few weeks. Uggghh

Ahahahhahhahahhahhaaa

George: Making everyone feel better since 1989! :D

The state of our affairs

So this post is about all of us. At some point or the other, all of us have been guilty of using people to service our needs. While it is admittedly open and rampant in the professional sector, in private life too, we are prone to pick and choose people who enable us to live a certain way. When we need a favour, we turn to the ones most likely to grant it, when there is need for companionship, we turn to some others.

I've always figured that a healthy give and take is an essential aspect of communal living. A large group always has to feed off each other. All of that is acceptable and agreed upon. However, when this same thinking enters matters of the heart, suddenly it becomes ugly. What is it about love and relationships that makes us so possessive that we cannot outwardly accept the grays? If I were to tell someone – Hey, I don't particularly like you all that much, but I feel it would be nice that you stick around for a while. You see, it's kinda lonesome without someone around. – chances are, I'd get one tight slap, with a whole lot of name calling. :) For the sake of everyone's peace of mind, I may dupe my own self about his importance and play act the role that is expected of me. And so the rigmarole begins and the curtain rises for act one.

Which brings me to the point that had been bugging me for a while. So many people I know are living these dual lives. As the pool starts to get shallower, more and more of us are entering these equations. (I am not saying this is a norm, but it's definitely a trend I am seeing.) These equations may not be wholly satisfying, but are better than nothing. I understand why that would happen, and it may be a conscious choice on the person's part as well. But a whole lot of times, we end up not spelling it out and instead hoodwink our partner. We trick them into believing our intentions are genuine, and this is a fairly tale like state of affairs. We find a justification in our heads, a rationalization rather, for the equation –

'This is what I need now.'
'This is the best choice' 
'He/She is a stable partner'
'Things didn't work out before, best not to put myself in harm's way'
'Love is for the dreamers and the impractical.'

– and so the list goes.

Based on the rationale we tell ourselves, we also continue to play act our combined lives. To me, it is not much different from the cheaters who are overtly attentive to their partners, in order to compensate for their guilt. The awareness levels may vary, but the baseline for both acts seems to overlap somehow.
At the end of the day, I feel we are just running away from who we really are. Some form of cowardise seems to be at play here. (I am unable to define it more precisely at this moment.)

So why is it that we cannot bring ourselves to a point of acceptance, and in turn, do the same for someone else? In the end, do these lies not keep us away from what we truly desire?

On Love

"So many faces! I've encountered just so many over this lifetime", she said.

"How many?", he asked.

"I'm not sure... hundreds, thousands even!"

"That's a lot! What happened when you encountered them?"

"Nothing, that's why I'm still looking."

"What are you looking for?"

"For the one that would fit."

"And how would you know which one was it?"

"I just would."

"But how?"

"Well... there would be bells that ring and whistles that sing and fireworks lighting up the sky."

"But what if it doesn't happen quite that way?"

"Do you think it wouldn't?"

"I don't know. I haven't heard of it happening often."

"Maybe you are right. But see, I made a promise."

"Ah! And what did you promise?"

"That I would at least try."

Musings

I have often wondered about the the meaning of life and all the existential questions that come with it. The odds of ever being able to define it are laughably stacked against you. The best answer possibly is that it is what you want it to be.

Most people seem to fear growing old, and want to avoid it at all costs. Somehow, I feel the opposite. I can't wait to grow old and hopefully live to a nice old age, so I have crammed as many experiences in life as I can. It just feels like the perspective and reflection you will have at 70 or 80, would be so vast and all encompassing. The mystery, so to speak, would be revealed and you would be on auto pilot. Glorious!

Sometimes

There are just waaaaay too many waves crashing on the shore. :(