'Which non conventional person would you wanna bang?'

My answer was perennially Seth Rogan. And a low key Jesse Eisenberg. And now telling someone this answer led them to tell me the obvious that I was missing. 

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Guess I've finally found my type. Nerdy boys with a gift of the gab lol

~

But dammit rogan is so damn hot omg. And eisenberg too oof. Something about fast talking, neurotic dudes just soooo goddamn doable. Both have such a good voice too.

First time enjoying chocolate on bread. Never thought I'd enjoy a Babka but here we are. 

~

Also, the room is the greatest film ever made omg fight me. 

~

Ooo sam querrey just commented to me how sweet. Oh and even Isner did. How nice. 

Cutie patootie

Awwieeee baby FedEx Fonseca weeps also like him omgggg. I love him. I have a feeling he will be my fav in the next gen haha. Let's gooooo baby fedexxxx

~

And this guyyyyy

Cutiesssss

Wisdom

Certainty as the enemy of unity, the enemy of tolerance. 

I love that articulation. 

~

I also think wisdom lies in understanding discretion. Where it's needed, how much. How many chances to give. But most importantly, to hold yourself to these ideals and not others. Make room for forgiveness.  

What's a devastatingly gorgeous game ai ai aiiiiii

Omgggggg aaaaa

https://lichess.org/jbG6W3lS/white

Duuuude just ooof

In 45 seconds that too jesus 

 12 romances, Lilacs. Ooof. After so long. Damn man. Mesa love rachmaninoff ♥️

Mum is so happy with the saree I gifted her. I'm glad. These days I've become to protective of her. Man, I find myself praying for the health and well being of everyone around me quite regularly now.  

Hehe. I just can't help but want to protect all the people in my life. I can't seem to help it at all. I love them all so damn much. 

~

From someone who wanted to run away and detach from family to being someone who wishes to take care of everyone what a journey lol. And every single day, without fail... I say a tiny little prayer for all their well-being. Never thought I'd be this kind of an adult before lol, but here I am. Openly admitting to myself how one of the most important things in life to me are the people I love and their happiness. If I end up having a family of my own, then I suppose I'm gonna worry about my extended family and their happiness too. Heh. Basically, I'm going to be a worrywart who fusses over everyone and buys them nice gifts from time to time. Hehe. 

 🥺😭

Footprints

...some earmark the journey of life. 

~

And the one footprint that stamps the sands of time.

~

Ugh. 

What a journey. 

~

Heh. 

Wish they had kissed too ngl lol. 

~

Bonus. And my fav pic tbh.

You can always trust a good dad, a good person, a good friend, or a good soulmate to catch you. And you know they'll never let you come to harm. 

I think this is my fav pic simply because of that. Because his mum just stood there, safe in the knowledge that the kid is in safe hands. Real men make you feel safe. Vamos ♥️

 Delightful 

https://lichess.org/ZdNMaq9d/black

Like you are on a hunt. Every move with such purpose and rarely ever backing down ooof

 "There was a real danger that I could commit suicide in mid-June 2024.” GM Navara

Reading his blog on lichess and just.

Daaaaamn man. Fuck. 

All of last year I kept telling this guy he seemed like he is taking the Kramms thing very hard and I had a lurking suspicion it might have been reaching this kind of a crescendo. Based on how he used to write and his reactions to everything. And now he is actually saying it all out loud. Fuck fuck fuck. Chess and chess people suck man the bullying Kramms does is unreal fuck. He was trying the same shit with with naroditsky and was or rather still is relenetless about it.

What a complete and utter piece of shit Kramms is seriously. From the bottom of my heart what a vile, unhinged fucking human. 

~

Ugh. I believe in personal responsibility. But where do you draw the line when one person just relentlessly starts to attack you and you are simply a sensitive person. When you are simply living your life and someone attacks you... what do you do? Navara deffo seems like he is on the spectrum. Being a little different doesn't mean your reactions or feelings are less valid. The Kramniks of the world are the biggest fucking assholes, trying to destroy other people under the guise of 'doing the right thing'. Just truly dislike people like this. Lol, see now if I made that dislike turn into righteousness then bullying him becomes a possibility. It baffles me how people allow themselves to go that far and how they just cross these lines into getting personal with someone to this degree. How fucked up is that. There's some fundamental issue with chess decreasing empathy I am more and more convinced of that. Man, what a depressing thing to have read sheesh my heart really goes out to navarra. Something about sensitive people just really makes me want to protect them so damn much. 

~

Ugh. I also like that naro a tiny bit less now. As bad as I felt for him, the way he also now speaks of people esp lower rated ones is pathetic only. " I'm a 2600 gm not some IM " " all caps names = stockfish" " people like glazing sarin but he hasn't won that much. " yadayada ugh. For someone who pretends to be all about the vocab, using words like glazing lmao. Fuck. Bet sarin wins this.

Collective suckage. 💀💀💀

~

I am such a hater tonight oops.  Yeah idc. Everyone SUCKS. 

Wooz

Been woozy and in bed for two days now wtf. Watching random yt is all I can do between sleeping lol. 

A vid on bpd popped up on my feed jeez. There is no way this is a real disorder like what the fuck. It really feels surreal how can someone just change their emotions in a matter of minutes? Lol. It probably wouldn't even be acceptable in my country so never encountered it. They'll just label you unhinged or something. Man, the self awareness aspect is just zero in some places haha. 

Fuck, but I can't imagine someone having to live with such an erratic person. I've grown up hating extremes of emotions esp if they are directed at me or are in my vicinity also. I prefer chill folks and peace. But this bpd thing seems insane. Haha. When I was friends with A, I remember how henpecked I felt around her, she always had this way of being controlling by throwing massive fits. Blocking me if I did something she didn't like, always threatening to end friendship whenever she was upset, which she was a lot. And over stupid things like those dumb ed sheeran song lyrics holy hell. That led to 3 months of blocking... What I hated about that equation was how utterly powerless I felt in the face of someone going ballistic. I just hated it, it felt like I'm constantly on eggshells hoping I don't do anything to set them off. Maybe that's why I never reconnected or went back to that friendship. But even so, I would not term her as bpd etc she was hypersensitive asf. And she was one of the most soul wringing, controlling asf person to be around. I can't even imagine how much worse this bpd thing is like. This just seems toooo bad. 

M also said he dated someone with it. Idk if I fully believe him if truth were told. His own behaviour towards me was so dismissive and nasty that I think it's a real possibility he might have just been supremely uncaring and hurt that person lots, then blamed them. It's sad but I do feel it's a distinct possibility. But then again, if he haaaates strong emotions like I do, or has a history of feelings henpecked then it probably makes him also feel like he is backed in a corner. Damn, I never considered that tbh. And I have had some harsh asf takes about him too. 💀 And people don't jump to being so fearful unless they feel like they need to guard something. Which incidentally I probably picked up on and got more irritated like if you feel the need to be guarded around me then just don't be around me who con me into staying? That's just unfair and using me then conveniently acting like oh no my boundaries when it doesn't suit your needs. Yeah, see that's just cheap. I don't know if I will ever forgive this on my own tbh. 

Heh, interestingly he usually came by to read stuff for 3 odd years so I wonder how that feels to someone to be privy to such a window. I was happily hating on him also before I knew he was around lol. I don't know. I get that strong emotions can scare him, as they do me. Haha but it's funny to think of him spying and then getting rekt also. Lmao. Of all the stupid shit to do in life. A comedy of errors and terrors. And I was also fresh off of that shit show of J etc so deffo not my usual peachy self. Hehe... Honestly it would make for a nice plot, just two people scaring the fuck out of each other, each with random fears that inform their behaviour but all because of past bs. Hahah. I think there's potential for some situational comedy here. A lot of my annoyance also stemmed from knowing his antics and then his deliberate uncaringness so find it hard to forgive that. I never trespassed on him, even stopped following after I realised he hid sreya etc. And then just left altogether. I know it was suddenly, but I guess I had been hurt enough esp that grandmom thing and post that just seeing him brag about talking to some woman like yeah no thanks. So yeah, I guess it doesn't matter what his past was to me tbh, these actions towards me were very shitty and there was not even so much as an apology or anything that's remotely sweet. I know he never wanted me to exit so suddenly, but he didn't do anything nice then or subsequently either. So what to say? Streak of uncaringness simply continues, stopping by 1000 times in a bid to hide tracks is more bs only. Doesn't count for anything good. 

Sometimes I legit feel if you are so mean to people you can't be surprised if the only ones who do end up around you are the kinds to tell you you aren't a real man and such horrible things. Like nice folks will eventually just filter you out and leave. Noone can withstand uncaring behaviour forever. Why do you insist on just being a lesson people learn is beyond me. I'm sorry he or anyone in the world might have had to hear that, but I'm also sorry for anyone who had to experience his brand of meanness too. He should take an honest look at how he behaves tbh. 

Oh well. Not my circus, not my monkeys. And bpd seems like hell worse than NPD jeez. Ok no not worse both suck ass. Begone, monsters! Shoo! 

~

Heh. I've always been slow to make changes. Leaving or threatening to is never a bargaining chip in my life, I try my best and I do expect reciprocal effort. In fact, I take forever to leave people. Even this time, my entire standoff is simply stemmed from wanting to know I matter, esp when I choose to make someone else feel safe. I'm tired of shortchanging myself. And wondering if someone is racist or attempting to hide me from other women etc isn't my scene. None of this aligns with my values. Man, and seeing that post about calling someone accessed just... Like learn to respect people the right way not all this manipulation yo. It's not right to always just chicken out and take some easy route and drop hints and manipulate. No more easy ways out where you get to hide motives. I refuse any and all manipulations. Meh. 

Plus I don't fancy being in some perpetual struggle to get someone to do something basic and nice for me only for them to act as if you are asking them to part with something precious. It comes off as extremely entitled and I feel like they get the excuse to play some sort of a victim wherein oh look now she wants this woe is me etc for something that's bare minimum. Haha woe is me...she might know about all the other women I'm stringing along... etc. I'm sure that's also part of it. Lmao.  🤢🤢🤢🤢 

Ok pathetic I don't want to be a part of any of this muck yuck. Bottom line is simply if you can't be nice to me directly then I'm out. 

🌻

Yellow.

Ugh I wish I could get out of bed so woozy:(

Haven't been this sick in a long time wtf is it with me pooping water omg. Just feel so gross and bloated eww. Ughughugh. Save meeeee

 Mofo I'm losing to everyone what the fuck aaaaaaaaaa. So annoyed fuck fuck fuck

There's a koel outside my window. Oh man. Monsoons and koels. So quaint. I miss countrysides

Ak's bday round the corner. Why the fuck do he and djoko share bdays. Why is everyone I know born in may? Lmao. Hehe, I guess I don't really forget bdays. Been chatting with B but neither of us broached the topic of ak. It's fun to catch up with old friends. Maaaan, the amount of bs we used to get up to haha. Good times! I miss the boys lol. Great fun! 

Loool. Omg. Just caught a small glimpse and it's exactly as before. Everytime a woman strides by, everytime. And this guy starts his routine of singing songs. Some chicky song that too. After soooo long I happened to stop by for a minute and there he is, hitting on her subtly so noone else can pinpoint. Except it's just a pattern once you realise it. The saaaame schtick again and again. Heh. Well. Leopards and spots huh. Haha. Amusing stuff. I bet it's so he baits her into hitting on him and creates content too. Lolol. At this point it's just entertaining. Wonder if there will be any woman he doesn't hit on ever. 

~

It's sad that if a woman behaved in the exact same way, these same people will term her a slut and look down on her. I've known a few women who can't help but hit on everyone in their vicinity and maaaan it's gross. But they are universally deemed to be slutty. Never seen as some great thing. I suppose that's why their partners can never trust them.  Shouldn't also lol. I suppose people like this will constantly worry you about the threat of betrayal. Meh. Anyway... People are who they are. 🤷‍♀️

~

Just today been reading about how this is a business model for OF etc. Hmmm. It's so sad to exploit people this way tbh. Right up there with conning the elderly. How can people do this for a living man. Vv sad. The more I've understood this exploitativeness the less I want to be near it. Noone else in my life has actually even encountered such stuff, so I suppose I'm glimpsing a world that's not regular in my daily life. I'm really glad people in my circle were pushed to study and make something of themselves, we never realised what all lies out there as kids. It's kinda weird the turns the world has taken since we grew up. Or maybe it was always like this, we just lived in a bubble. 

It's so wholesome to see P and N together. Genuinely. Whenever we do a VC and they are sitting around doing their daily stuff together while chatting is so nice. I guess they must not be aware of it, but the teamsmanship I see between them is very endearing to me. I think a lack of ego is a necessary ingredient in any functional and wholesome equation. Selfish people will never learn that. But it feels so easy to breathe around those that do know it. Hmmm. Feels like seeing a nice garden tbh..just existing on its own, merry and sweet. N is a very good husband...men like him are rare. She is very, very lucky. Makes me happy to see that. :)

~

I remember when their second baby was born. N was such a hands on dad. He was telling me how he cut down on drinking so he could wake up early to help out. I don't think P ever had to request for anything, he was just always there very implicitly. She once told me how she would ask him why he wasn't so romantic and him telling her how he values being there and such. Even when he moved he told me ofc I'm taking her with me, I married her so we can always be together not stay apart for jobs etc. And he always has been, never left her alone or made her feel insecure. Took care of her father when he was ailing. That's the best part. They seem like best friends together. I want that similar stuff in my life too tbh. Just being close that way without having to question it. That made me also realise how I wouldn't care about money or anything material, as long as the person with me is this way.  I find that wonderful. I'm glad to have a peek into such good role models tbh. Feels good to see it. I think stuff like this is what makes a real man tbh. A man who you can count on, someone who you can rely on and laugh with and all the nice things hehe. The simplest couple I know, and they are the nicest too. Beauty of life is always in it's simplicity. 

The Master and Margherita.

I'm falling in love with this book. Equal parts whimsy and deep. I love the pontius pilate chapter too. Damn man, some people can really write.

~

Aaaand sincaraz today let's goooooo! Omg so hypedddd.

~

Sinner is back babyyyyyy woot woot.

~

Haha got dominated and how. Unreal match up. Love ittttt

Glimpsed at a stream and some dude was linking a game he won against this guy as an 1800. And talking about how he learnt KG theory after and smoked him but he was glad to have got that win. I just... It's sometimes just so disrespectful, the way people talk. Atleast comes across like that. He would hate it if he knew I'm sure. Damn. I was almost about to share it but refrained. Hmmm. Guess I felt bad seeing that, and that other thing. It is silly I suppose, on my part to feel bad etc. But idk, I kinda did. Esp for that other thing. I hope it's nothing serious tbh. 

~

Hmmm. It is silly of me to give a shit, I should put this out of my mind. I made a decision to hold out for honest effort. That should have always been what I held out for tbh. Hehe... I guess that bit was silly of me. To have stuck around in the absence of it. Anyway it's ok. Things should be easy and free on both sides otherwise no point. 

I suppose I want stuff to be good in my life. Guess this filter now simply exists thanks to him haha. His presence made me realise the stuff I value, so in a way all that meanness did lead to something good in the end. And I am clear I just don't want that bad, uncaring behaviour again. Simping over some woman and bragging about talking to her so people think you are cool, while treating me horribly and then prying into my life behind my back. Yeah, that's just terrible behaviour. I can't believe I ever cared about someone who can sink so low. And all I'd asked for was can I wish etc and that spawned such meanness. Twice in two years. Wow, I can't believe I actually stuck around someone who treated me so badly. Damn man. What was I thinking? Sheesh. Still, from my part I do hope he is ok health-wise I guess. Seeing his face the other day made me do a double take, I hope nothing serious going on. People should be healthy so we can bicker with ease haha. Touche. Irritating as he is, I do care about all the genuine stuff. Hmmm. Maybe I should not though, it's not like he once did the same for me. And that's one secret I'll never tell. Xoxo. Hehe.

~>

Oh boy.

Read that nightmare post again. Fuck. That sudden dream just ended up giving me so much clarity. Hmmmm. It is what it is. Stuff happens, it's life. Gotta accept it. 

~

SUNSHINE... WHERE ART THOU? 

~  Trust is not an argument to be won or lost, it's just a leap of faith ~

I heard this today and it stuck, made me think. 

~

Guess that's pretty much what trust means to me. The comfort of knowing that you are in safe hands. Whatever turn life takes, for better or for worse. 

It's also hard to regain it once it's lost. When you can't trust someone to do right by you, then there's no real point in anything. Their presence just makes you afraid of them.

~

Watching knight odds ruin fabi is just so funny lmao. Holy crap the way he gets routed is just unreal. What a crazy strong bot. Whew!

High

Holy crap I'm so drunk, hehe. Oof. 

~

Ugh 

Something about whiskey diatribes. Just wanna say something profound, but then again just wanna stay mum and take my clothes off. The dichotomy of being. And the base pleasure of the LC denominator. 

~ shall I?

So surreal to meet a girl like that other one.

I can see him cheat.

Adulting

Heh. I feel old. Hehe. Man. We hit 30s. Dayumness.

~

Dammit I'm just soooooo drunk rn ugh. 

Absolutely blotto 

Sadler and M share bdays wuuuut. Haha. All my fav peeps born in May somehow lmao. There's always an influx of people whose names are starting with M too. Weird. I have mugs with M on it as well. Hahah. Paying for deeds, eh?

Diatribes

They don't make songs like this anymore. They just don't. I feel like a lost soul sometimes. Maybe cuz I feel misunderstood. Maybe cuz it's kinda dramatic and self affirming. Maybe cuz I barely know any fucking person who even gets any of this anymore. How deliciously vacant. Heh. 

I don't know. 

I know that this song complements a lot of stuff one can feel. 

Fandango. :)

A whiter shade of pale

~

Speaking of. Years ago I'd loved californication purely for the writing. Moody was a cunt, but he said the prettiest things. I felt sorry for him, I never related to him, but I kinda got him. A man deluded. I understand men like him. Can't love them, but I get them somewhat. Don't respect them though. 

"She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation."

This held me then, it holds me now. A good conversation is the key to my heart. I know it because I end up knowing you. It's amazing when knowing you is set to some really nice song that then serves to tell me we know each other. Conversations is what I fall for, always. 

60's rock, amirite? :)

~

A lot of people marry out of loneliness. Some marry for security and I've never understood those souls, I see them as afraid at times. I don't judge, I just know I can't do that. And I wish I could, sometimes. Will life break me down to a point that I might? Idk. Currently, here I am, someone who simply can't live a lie. I have no clue what that means for me. But I can't live with someone who wouldn't get me. Heh. The simplest thing you want, and it's the toughest thing to find. Beautiful. 

Oops. 

O

I could have beat the 2100... Fuck..just didn't see the stupid obvious tactic. Hmmm. I'm not particularly finding it difficult either. Actually quite ok with the level I'm encountering nowhere have I felt outplayed atmost just knew I was making an error. Interesting. Hmmm. Its more enjoyable when someone finds good defence too tbh. Well, this was good. I'm happy with today. Good sunday.

~

Interesting. 1997. It wasn't significantly tough, just a matter of paying attention. When I play mindlessly I slip but otherwise it's actually not all that hard rn. I suppose 2100 would not be too bad a target. Nice. Just gotta be in the mood though, otherwise it's annoying to bring it back up. 

~

Nepo played this damn. I remember the same motif this guy had also used. Interesting. I wonder who played this first. 

Dammit nepo is fantastico at tactics..ugh. hate him but wowza

Turning to doom scrolling on social media and I see that yoo kid again did something and got suspended. 

So fucking fitting. The one cute kid I thought I saw and he had to end up being such a horrendous person. Tainted one of the few good memories I had also. V good. 

~

Read the entire complaint omg. What the actual fuck dude is psychotic. So so so creepy.

Tutto bella bellisimo. Me thinks me simps for beautiful chess. ♥️ Let's go g5.

Heh. Never thought I'd pick a gambit to play but now I actually like and play wing gambit thanks to him. 

~

Whooooo knew chess can have this impact on me damn man. Just the fucking beauty of this kinda play floors me. FLOORS. 

Still remember that KID lecture that sparked my interest tbh. I didn't care about chess till then. Damn. 2 years ago huh. Heh. Like falling in love for the first time. I've literally never had a person make that impact on me but a game did lol. Crazy. 

War

Hope this tension resolves soon and doesn't escalate further. I hope everyone calls for peace. My building is on target list wtf man. Security beefed up like crazy rn. Hope V is ok too. He must be deployed by now. Fuck, I'm scared.

This year is fucking nuts. 

~

Made me realise something else too lol. Never fails to disappoint haha. 

Scent of a woman

Heh...oh the bygone days of posh preppie boys running about in their men's world pretending the world is their oyster. Haha. The world order was so different in that era. I don't give a fuck about it tbh. The sheer misogyny of it boils my blood. The desperation to pretend like women are just objects who need to titter and exist while wearing frocks yearning after their man. Heh. The term 'girls' is also a relic of that era isn't it? ' There's girls here. ' someone once said, just hahaha. Made me laugh. A man out of time, he was. I knew he was old school then. I didn't hate it on him as much as I did all others. And I hate a lot about him. 

And yet, in the era of tech we have the same wannabe social orders with people replacing supposed pedigree and elitism for algorithms and pretending to be on top of the world. The snobbery of the 'simple'. I don't adorn myself, I'm above it all. I only solve problems. Am I not cool? But shhh. Don't say it out loud. That makes it less cool. 

The sheer cuckery of ego, ego, ego. The elitism of wealth never had any hold over me, I'm an intellectual snob. And my snobbery enables me to hold a wealth of disdain for materialistic snobbery haha. Tell me I'm cool, why don't you?

I hold a lot of respect for institutions. Not so much for those who define their lives by being in one. That, is so fucking loserish to me. I don't know why. It's just the sheer lack of personality that stands out, maybe. 

I guess my era was more defined by old school classic rock and dingy speedy pubs where you could be an everyday person, but there was elitism and pretense in that too. 'im not like you' in itself has just ego, ego, ego. Noone really dares to be a normie. Hehe. The perpetual fear of the insecure. What if I discovered that I'm just average? What if I admitted it? See now thaaaat is the stuff of nightmares for everyone. 

And so we live on, in half realised fantasies and yearning. Always trying to be someone, something. I matter. Tell me I matter. Please?

Pedigree is who you are, who you choose to be, how you refine that quest. Nothing more, nothing less. Self awareness matters, so does not referring to women as 'girls'. Heh. One of your lesser crimes I guess. Hehe. Touche. Isn't Al Pacino great? 

~

Dammit. Por Una Cabeza is from this film. Dammit dammit dammit. Ugh. ♥️ Ey yaiiii. Tu do do doooo. Oy veyyyy. There goes all my edginess, back to melting. Hehe. 

~

The light

... I look forward to filling in the blanks. 

 It's like I'm not even able to see pinned pieces wtaf screw this stupid game what a joke. Beat a 2100 in rapid then lost to a 1700 bigger fucking joke wtf is wrong with me. I want that 2200 rapid fuck this I'm sure I can get it. 

~

Meanwhile watching You while cycling and zomg what a dumb show. Lmao. Peak trash tv good god this is how Dan's life from GG would end up hahaha. Pathetic that I am watching this and actually enjoying it too. 

~

The ending is such a psychological cluster fuck. I'm glad I'm a practical person. None of this wishy washy nonsense works on me or for me.  The entire psychological nightmare they are peddling. Nah. Flights of fantasy like these belong in book, in life... It's solid action that counts. It's not pretty, and often it feels like a lot of work but I believe in good work. And I believe in being a solid person. None of this crap, honestly. So all is good. Hehe. But damn this show is so utterly stupid omgg haha.cane even tell they are trying but fuck so 💀😭. Penn Badgley just whyyy 

~

Halfway through this year and I'm happy I put myself first. Rereading the nightmare post and while I'd keep it private forever, the fact is that it offered me so much transparency. Hmmm. Bittersweet but alright hehe. Finally decided to hide stuff I feel. I guess I don't ever want eyes on something so deep and meaningful to me. Maybe it's just wise to not allow anyone to know me. Cutting corners is not okay lol.

May the 4th be with us. 

Fisher and Poser

 BBC for the win.

 Fisher Documentary

~

Oh lord 3 mins in and it struck me. Neimann tries to talk like him. Holy moly it's exactly the same. This is just nuts. Even living in hotels thing omgggg. Duuude. Ok legit crazy to imitate someone like this. 

Tf. 😭🙀🥲

Typed, retyped and untyped a statement. That's how you know you have hit a wall. Seems I have nuzzing more to zay.

~

The Master and Margherita. Now that is a good book. Pontius Pilate. Heavy lies the burden, eh?

~ I thought Sanhedrin sounded lovely as a word, and also something to do with a high fantasy novel. How little I know of the world.