Dostoevsky

I wonder what state of mind he lived in. Was he emphathetic to the point of being in pain? Or intelligent to the point of being disillusioned? A mix of both? 

He has such an incisive intellect, and keen observations. A thing I have always wondered about authors like him is whether they are writing who they are in all their books or are they so good at observing people that they can seperate themselves from others and be objective? 

I'm currently reading Notes, and the narrator is so scarily accurate that his doom feels like mine, and so do all his follies. It's so hard to detach from him. Heck, I've taken to making notes on my Kindle just to suggest alternative paths to him. 

In all the characters so far...the only one I'm willing to allow myself to relate to is Kolya. He was the only one that wasn't doomed from the start. Maybe this is why I gravitate towards children's fiction. There's a measure of hope and potential in it that is lacking in adult books. I don't want to be doomed, I don't want to go with the current, and I don't want to ever ever ever just be swept away into a life not of my choosing. I fear this so much sometimes. And I don't want to be afraid. :(

the first song I ever heard

this

I remember I was around 6/7 years old. I found this casette at my friend's place. Mostly her dad's. I put it on, not knowing what to expect. And it was Simon and Garfunkel. ♥️

This first song made me absolutely fall in love with music. 

I remember listening to Sounds of Silence repeatedly, not knowing what ''halo of a streetlamp" could mean. But something about ''words like silent raindrops'' evoked warm honey on toast feelings inside me. The sleeve of the casette gave me the lyrics I would have otherwise found hard to decode. Back then, I had to keep rewinding the casette and then jot stuff down in my diary so I could know what to sing.

I spent countless hours singing in front of a mirror those days, pretending to give a concert, painstakingly recording a new casette onto a blank one so I could have a music collection of my liking. When the tape came loose, trying to rewind it with a pencil, and praying fervently that it doesn't get spoilt. New casettes were a luxury.

Years later, I discovered Leonard Cohen and Bright Eyes, both of which completed this trinity of bands that hold time within them for me.

It's not often that I remember this memory, but the joy of discovery and the anticipation of beauty used to light my heart on fire. If there's one thing I truly miss about childhood, it's how much I loved and looked forward to discovering things.

this one just speaks to my soul

love

lamplight

I feel a deep deep sense of harmony, hope and balance growing inside me lately. May I keep it? 

is there

any real point in being wise? 

I try, but failing at it is what gives me my most precious memories. What in the oops. 

dreamy

that's the best way I can describe today. Busy all day, yet with no real plan of what to do. And a whole lot of oldoldold music I had forgotten to listen to in a long time. Surprise me, life! ♥️

careless

Sometimes I wonder how it's so easy for someone to hurt you out of the blue, and show no remorse