A small part of me believes in fate what a sap I've become. God, where's the angsty woman in me gone? Complete soft wuss I be.
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I'm also losing the will to write. I just can't seem to care anymore. Maybe it's time to call it quits.
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Reading the yeshua chapter of M&M and man. It really hits hard. It honestly just hurts to read. I was avoiding it for so long now I know why.
Oh just noticed this fellow checked up on me a while back. Can't do the normal thing like say hey hi how you doing but this he can. Iirc it's his mums bday sometime now? Haha fought with him on her 70th and that was deffo in June. 💀💀 Heh. Hope she is doing well.
Anyway, hi. For whenever next. It is very mocked to act crazy when someone wants to say hi but then go and find out every tiny thing about them. :) I hope he knows that. Vvv unfair and nutty.
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Being nice cuz don't have heart to be mean. I should know, the first reaction and subsequent draft of this was so very different haha. Buuuut I'll keep it to myself. Suppose he would swing by in a month?
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Lord. Mr. I do what I want, I don't like to be asked, I will or I won't. Soooo much grandstanding and bad behaviour, how does one even come up with it? Mr. Private life stays private except it's open season on mine and that's completely fine and not unfair at all right? :) The things that do and do not make us uncomfortable. Sheesh man. The childishness is only surpassed by the immaturity of it all. Not like I've been the most mature but deffo not as bad. Hey look at that, he wins there too! Hehe.
I suppose despite it all it's not like I don't miss him. That I shall admit. I actually do. And I can say this and show my hand also but he can't call it out unless he acknowledges his peeking so what a bind eh? :) hehe. I like this. Cheekiness for the win.
How quaint.
Mysteries of life. ♥️
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If you do read this - try niceness. It works. It's easy. Atleast for me, idk about you maybe not lol. But even if tough, it should not be the last resort.
It is what it is :)
I am reminded of that afternoon under the sun. When the tiny white flowers suddenly appeared to coat the entire lawn. They were always there, but I noticed them for the first time. So tiny, so beautiful. As the day progressed, the sky stayed blue, warm, the music keeping me grounded whenever a tiny bit of nausea set in. I avoided the cold of the cottage. I avoided J, in him I sensed so much fearful control. I avoided S, he always unknowingly and unwittingly invaded my personal space. I didn't want that. And I gravitated towards L. I somehow just felt at ease.
That afternoon told me a lot about how I perceived the three important people in my life back then. Only for it all to take such a bad turn. And then I turned my attention to the trees and the sky and a part of me was like... Hey millions have trodden here before you, millions will come after. Life is a tiny lil blip in a long chain of finiteness that seems infinite. So there's no real reason to worry. You can just sway to the rhythm and take life easy.
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It's years later now, man. One of them has cancer. The other two, idk. J changed the trajectory of my life. L, I can not go back to, she always eyed what was most precious to me, and S... Well, he tried to invade that space I didn't want him in. And so I left the three people who had come to be important to me. I don't regret it. I didn't belong there, and I don't ever want to be around anyone like that again. I suppose their only place is in my memories now. Nothing else.
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I guess that afternoon was more or less about me. How I felt. How sunny and warm it felt. The memory of people has faded away to a dull rhythm far far far at the back of my mind. But the flowers and the cold and the sunlight and the beauty. That remains. And it feels good even now. That one feeling of... Trotting along as the sun shines and the earth moves. You can't describe it to anyone unless they do shrooms too hehe.
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I am sure that waking life will always keep you busy with peeves and what not. But every once in a while, it's just really great to experience just being. Slow, solitary, loving. Revisit that spark of magic. Hehe. Life, with all its strife... is damn fucking beautiful to me.
The change in weather has me cuddling in a big blanket with a pillow under my chin, under my head, one near my leg and one at my back. Lmao. I feel so cocooned and cozy. Hehe. The new stretches I'm learning also help relax at night. Aaaand my new shoes are on the way can't wait to use them. Sometimes it's the little things that feel so damn good yo. I loved the idea of tents since I was a kid and it's no diff now. Just huddling inside feels like I'm in on a nice secret.
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Maybe I should watch a film. Enough of bullet gotta stop it. Should have stopped yesterday but I didn't. Oh well. Today ..todaaaay.
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Ugh coziness. Dammit I'm so fond of ittttt. Hehe. Just the bestest.
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Seeing these two people together and it makes me feel like whyy. I honestly dislike it when someones self esteem is so low they keep trying to pull everyone down or one up them constantly. Life around folks that dissatisfied is terrible. They are a complete nuisance. And it's a mistake to cater to them too, because that insecurity within is simply looking to feed off of someone they consider lower than themselves. So they can feel like a star. That shit won't ever stop.
This trait has sickened me since forever. Just that insatiable need to constantly go me me me in everything.
Lol. I honestly don't know what my friend is even doing. Legit. It's not my place to mention it. So I won't. But I can't pretend to myself that I don't feel like puking everytime I see it. And I see her be on edge a lot more too. Sucks. Hmmm. God just leave that awful dude yo lmao. Just bin it. Haha. I wish I could say it out loud sometimes. Man, it's rare for me to dislike someone so heartily but honestly no part of me likes this guy yuck. 💀
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Are people sometimes so damaged that they must hurt others to make themselves feel good? Is that all there is to it, and to them?
I don't know sometimes. I don't want to believe that though. But at times it's hard not to, esp as I see stuff like this. His stupid loud voice just going for the nth time oh you don't know this that etc. And then sitting there uncomfortable knowing she is also embarassed. It's just so utterly lame man. Gah. Leave him dude. Sheesh. I wish I could say this one thing out loud lmao.
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I guess the lesson to be learnt here is that one should be careful how someone makes us feel. And pick only those who look to uplift us and be supportive not all this bullshit. Honestly I just feel sick of that dude so much. I have no clue how she even stands him any longer. His behaviour seems so deliberately geared towards pulling people down like why and how would you be around that constantly yuck
Time to find some good music, lest I feel like shrugging off my frustrations and being reckless. Ugh. Just wanna run run run. Maybe. I'm annoyed, edgy and very in the mood to just burn off steam.
Hindi music after so long.
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Kaati hu mai khudh ko lol. What a line. Never heard this but it's got that tempo I just want rn. Fuck these lyrics. May I never see a day that I relate to self obsessed lyrics like these haha. Like trash tv in music form.
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You know. Fuck. Idk. Blah.
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I like the pulp fictionesque album cover. It's so now edgy but just about works. Idk why but these ott aesthetics don't do it for me. Tonight, nothing seems to be doing it for me anyway. Fuck it.
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Oyeeeee.... Hahahahhahha omgggg.
Omgggg love love love. Finally a remix that isn't offputting asf love it... Ooooooooo...! Hehe now I gotta dance.
Seeing more and more vids like the leb dude made me so uneasy today. All day tbh. Just so dystopian and queasy. I have run out of words lately.
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Oh boy. Just seeing these exit the atmosphere and it makes me feel so sick rn. Like a spectacle of doom.
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So unsettling. All weekend I've just felt this strange sense of anxiety. I don't know why. Even now just feeling so blah and out of sorts at the same time. And idk why that sax sound has been stuck in my mind. Every comment just asking what song is this. I don't know why we all simply lack empathy. The world needs to right itself, it's about time.
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:(
I feel very sad and I don't have the desire to write anymore. And anxious. Dammit. That small fender bender has really made me nervous and put me on edge.
Seeing a lebanese dude play the sax while missiles fly overhead and people taking pics is honest to god the most dystopian thing I've seen in a long time.
When tf will all this stop?
https://youtube.com/shorts/APv4S3TQB3o?si=6Vjwl0Tk15F5t8CN
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This year has been crap.
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Wow doing a quiz and see a nazi measuring nose pic and apparently it's iconic. Wtf is wrong with the world man. Sheesh fucking cunts these nazis ugh. God I hate them. I'm so much more hyper aware of this now that my brother is also dating someone Jewish and it makes me mad asf. Stupid fucking nazi cunts.
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Fuck this. Let's watch some curb your enthusiasm. Larry David to the rescue. He'd do everyone except you know who ♥️
Gauff comes after your time. Being very quick on short balls, taking away precious moments. How interesting. A play hinging on marginal gains that pays off in the long run. Hmmm. After a long time, read some sound analysis. Man, I'm glad I found an insightful tennis resource that I can look forward to scouring whenever there are matches that are exciting. Her match with Saba was a tad lopsided. The wind sucked but more that that as blunt as Saba was, I do agree that she got really hammered mentality wise and just blundered the entire game. But this analysis adds such a layer of depth to why she blundered it and it wasn't completely self imposed. Hmmm. Nice. I like Gauff a lot. Hope I see her win more. She is a trooper. Very classy too. Good stuff Coco G. Aces!
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In the midst of all this, I realise my desire to write is at an all time low. Ebbs and flows. And then I go online and my feed is just filled with news of conflicts like what is the world even coming to. It's so hard to pick any side either, it's all a battle of personal interests. And who am I to interfere? Just a person who feels like normalcy needs to be restored. And who will listen to me? Hehe.
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In all this madness, I have discovered... Out of the blue... The stoic in me. Hehe. Change is upon me. One good push. Staying in your own lane, working on things you want to. I guess that's the sweet spot. Slowly, yes. But finally. May the good things in life find me.
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Vamos Carlitos. Oh my god what a final. Loved the Coco one, cried for Sinner in this. Damn. Victory belongs to the most tenacious. No wonder it's my fav slam. ♥️♥️
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Pet peeve:
If only nike had designed better kits tho these were an eyesore. 💀
