Greatest love ever

Running up that hill. Oo huuuu

I actually want to run up a hill fuck. Just that sweet sweet pain and endorphins. Chase that damn high. 

Dammit. Disabling pano scrobbler cuz I don't want it reading my texts lmao. Ugh no mo last fm and my digital musical impressions. Dayum. There was something so precious about sharing that profile with someone and they could know when I'm enjoying a song haha. It was cute. 

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On a night that's for the shins,no less. 

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I'm looking in on the good life

I might be doomed never to find

Without a trust, a flaming field

Am I too dumb to refine?

And if you took to me like

Well, I'd've danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would've fared well

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Heh. Such deeply sad lyrics set to such peppy music. Ooooo uuu ooo uooo

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I missed when life was small and I kissed you on the terrace and felt guilty because it didn't fit in with my idea of propriety. Hehe. I miss it so much. Not you, but I miss that time of innocence and wonder. I want it back. I will never look for myself in shitty lyrics nevermore. But if I could bottle that innocence and keep it safe, I would. I so would. Dammit. 

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Ugh. I must have said it a 1000 times but music is my greatest love hehe. And I shall forever be a musical philanderer, no genre shall tie me down. 

Let's see if someone can ever come close to clinching second place though. Heh. I am now curious who or what that might be. 

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On cue... Heartbeats. 

What a pretty voice you have. 

Heartbeats ♥️

Man people make fake accounts just to cheat on lichess like why ugh. Reported this person I saw cheating against this fellow too. Just annoying to see. Nolund it seems. Lolol. I wonder if that person knows what that word means but who knows maybe some cheapo did it intentionally. 

Oh wow lichess sent message saying banned also goody. Finally quick action. What a shit account though, just losing no games whatsoever. Blatant asf. Omg hahahahahha. They paired him with some 1800 cheater hahahahha. Good shit let's goooo. 

Heh. Only an engine is allowed to beat our man this badly 😬💪😤

Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :( 

I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with. 

Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle. 

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I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl. 

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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics. 

One of those days when I just wanna cuddle in bed ugh. Already wearing socks like a granny 😵

Role models

Conan is a goat for a reason like. I have soooo much respect for him. His demeanor with his fellow workers, his love for Sona and how protective and friendly he is. Every night I hear some of his podcast and the thing that strikes me the most is how down to earth all the folks around him are. There's no meanness there. A tiny segment where sona jokingly asked if she should diet cuz he said he was and the way he instantly jumped in with a noooo you are beautiful. Like. And the lady who added the words about how Sona was a good role model growing up for her etc was right. In a sea of fakeness, this one is the real deal and I applaud her for that. 

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I suppose my love for Elaine Benes as a character also stemmed from that. She was smart, pretty, funny, selfish and a whole lot of stuff. But she was always natural and never overly sexualised. I really respect that. I find the whole overt sexualization and objectification of women to be the exact flipside of the coin for making them wear veils and what not. It's just treating them as objects and not people. I suppose it may not be a popular opinion but like... It's okay to be who you are. For everyone. And props to conan for being such a good guy, he is so sharp and picks up on nuances so well. More people should be this way. And to think I once hung around a dude who translated the russian word for slut for me without batting an eye and letting his friend pass lewd comments. Idk why I fooled myself for so long. Heh. As they say... People show you who they are, believe them. Amen to that. 

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Zorba the Greek. We should be a bit like that. 

Day before periods and everything sweet makes me semi senti hahahah. Shit. I wanna snuggle a bar of chocolate though, kind craving that after a long time. 

Couldn't sleep, went on yt and that stupid site gave a jumpscare. Lmao. So many months of avoiding and suddenly some siberian thingie popped up complete with ai summary that was funny asf. Ugh. I hate that I'm laughing. Expert commentary analyzes every move it would seem lmao. Wtf yaaaaaa

Magnoose, Laver

End up seeing magnoose stream quite often now. I wonder how come he does it. Their app must be in trouble. Still, not complaining. Actually really enjoy how low key and chill it is. Man, can't believe a manchild like him will be a father soon haha. Everyone growing up eh? Heh. 

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Oh god again that same dude spamming esse analyses with engine on. Bruh. This is just sad and embarassing. 

Literally every time. Crazy folks. 

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Ooo bro at laver cup ugh. I wish I was there too dammit. 

Heh bro thinks opelka will win I go ruud. Let's gooooo. 

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Omg he is seeing Alcaraz too later zomgggg

Having a long chat with bro and he also suggests diversifying lol. Hmmm. Interesting. I have so much to think about tbh.  

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Lately, it's tough to articulate a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm about to take some important calls and hmmm. As usual I'm dragging feet because of the finality a change in direction usually brings. Ponderings lol. Need some woowoo stuff like vision boards and what not. 

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Edward Hopper

Really loving his work. It's not often I understand well what an artist is trying to say but when it clicks it feels so good. 

I like his landscapes even more than his city work tbh. There's a sense of hope in them that's lacking in his cityscapes lol. 

Cape Ann Granite.

This delights me because I view landscapes this exact way.  It's so hard to express what that means but my eyes just lust for the beauty of nature in all its unvarnished glory. I love craggy hills and moss on stones and sunlight lighting up the entirety of it all. Being on top of a hill and looking around feels just this way ugh. God I love it so. 

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I know nighthawks and house by the railway is more iconic but to me there's a stillness and beauty in these that escape the dereliction of his human lens haha. Hope, I shall always cling to thee. I hope. 

Hehe some silly reel of brothers being the best crossed my feed and zomg. All senti I feel haha. Duuuuude. Ugh. Baby bros be the best 

Dream

A long road that widens slightly and goes upwards. Going up a hill of sorts that's surrounded by clouds to a restaurant right at the top in the middle of the mist and clouds. Going with someone in a car and the place was a bit on the Tibetan side with the hosts being Tibetan. The town it rests in was kinda abandoned by 7 pm. Slightly cold I expected it to be but it wasn't. A bit rainy. But going up that circular route to the hilltop was very beautiful. Let me see if I can find an image that depicts it. 

Definitely not this hypermodern but the gist is there. Hmmm. I wish I could capture the entire scenerie all the way up to the top. 

Man I wish I hadn't woken up that early I really wanted to see the rest of this dream. It was so interesting. Ugh. 

Violence

Brooo what is even happening in this world like fuuuck. What the hell. How can people just go around shooting folks man. Jesus. That's so messed up. I want the world to grow up and become normal again these fuckers have spread too much hate for this to be occuring. 😔 Noone deserves to die like this. 

It's honestly high time people stopped spreading hate and fear mongering. We need stuff that brings us closer not all this. Turn the page already. 

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I never wanted kids growing up and the way the world seems now I'm so fucking disgusted that I'm glad about that decision tbh. I would never want a kid to be a part of this complete shit show dude. Kids deserve a good world. We all have so much now, that it's just shitty to want to deliberately create a worse off world for everyone to live in tbh. Ugh. I just feel sick at the moment. 

I'd really liked that Gurel kid from the first time I saw him play and now he just beat the WC at classical. Damn. It feels nice when you can spot some good player hehe. Just a year ago he was up and coming. Good stuff can't wait to check the game out in the evening!

I cannot wait to be on my flight out aaaa. Lmao. I want to go go gooooooooo!!! 

One year death anniversary function. One thing I'll give to people who are community minded. So many of them show up and are around folks. That's quite sweet. I suppose the flip side is it can be stifling if the community is ass lol. Balance is key cuz people can be turds lol. It's an art to navigate all this, truly. I just slink off to the sidelines haha. People used to villainise being a black sheep but it's actually fairly good to be one. 

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Maaaan. I held mums hand and all lol. I think she got all emo haha. Good. Make people cry. Hahahha. 

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Ugh and now I wanna go home. Dammit why didn't I book a flight out for tomo? Should have. One extra day 💀

Watching magnus stream and some dude keeps spamming 'M analyses with an engine on' over and over in caps. 💀 How are people so nasty yo like. It just looks so bad. Noone ever mentions any other people, and these perpetual twitch dwellers will somehow find a way to be nasty to him. And his other idiot followers asking for an explanation of that statement like what a face palm. Damn. I've legit never seen other people have such a bad following tbh. The rest of the people I've seen actually have followers that are pretty respectful. Actually, even some of these dudes at times show up in other places and behave themselves perfectly well. Hmmm. I guess if you go around allowing people to call women holes and whores then these are the standards you'll get reflected back too. Meh. To each their own. Whatever. 

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I actually do enjoy magnoose streaming. He is sweet and chill, no airs, takes things lightly. I love when he sneaks a win he just laughs in that cheeky way haha. Hard to dislike him tbh. Despite his sketch shenanigans. He feels like a legit and decent dude tbh. Very nerdy too lol. Reminds me of most of my eng buddies tbh all the boys were similar except without the god level talent haha. I should tell the boys that lmaoooo. Hahahahha oh man. Hehe. Best thing about a lot of boys is how they are so chill themselves. Ribbing around is always fun then. 

USO 2025

Finally Alcaraz is coming into his own. I wonder what his ceiling would look like. I love sinner but I feel like no matter what he will have to really stretch to catch up. I wonder how carlitos would pair up against the big 4 in their primes. I have a hard time thinking  would beat prime Rafa or Roger etc even now. They were just so dominant and complete that I cannot imagine him dominating over their game. Sad that we will never know. Love the guy though. So stress free and happy to do his own thing haha. Makes it look like all sunshine and rainbows. 

Have an early flight and just can't sleep. I have never been more reluctant to travel lol. I do a lot for people out of a sense of obligation I feel. What can you do. Gotta come through when we can. 

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Hmmm. I can never look at this town as my home, it'll always be my parent's hometown. I used to be so scared they'd send me here when I was a kid lol. Even now, I am not comfortable here... Heh. I guess places you associate with strife are places you never want to visit. I never even wondered back then what happy families looked like lol. Just wanted to be independent of all this stifling shit. Fucking patriarchy. Annoying asf. Truly. I value my independence so damn much man. Like. I'm happy to do lots for people I love but it has to be my choice not a compulsion. Freedom is my one true love lol. Thine above all, the rest after. 

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Sometimes I feel there's no point in looking back just run to the future nicely. Heh. Might be nice. Mum and dad fuss over me lots these days. That feels nice. Hmmm. 

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Talked to some tennis player on the flight lmao... Trust these folks to show up in shorts and the entire kit even when travelling. Lmao. State level player must be decent. I cant stop laughing at this outfit it's so adorbs. Haha. My kinda people. Sporty and casual. 

Cults

Reading Rensch's article in the guardian...man. his life is interesting. I never knew how prevalent cults were. Or rather, never really bothered to pay heed to it. I suppose one could argue that they exist everywhere and are frequently to be found. I've just never known anyone to join one. They all just prey on people. Hmmm. I don't have much to say about this except interesting. It's fascinating how people are able to get a birds eye view on life this way. I admire that trait. It's not easy to separate yourself from your past and events in life. Gives a person a sense of maturity and ease when they reach that point of articulation. 

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The kind of mindfuckery he describes is insane. It's a wonder that he ended up being a well adjusted person with a family and a good life. Damn dude. People who have it so rough figure it out and that's nice. I legit admire them, and the resilience it must have taken to get to that point. 

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"Like every young man being raised in the Family, I’d been taught to see women as a means to a man’s spiritual ends. I was holding on to Shauna for dear life; she was the only anchor I had in this storm. But my attitudes mirrored what I’d been taught and what I’d seen other men do my whole life: “If this marriage isn’t working out to serve my needs, if Shauna is going to be an impediment to my spiritual growth, then maybe I’ll have to move on.”

Ahhh yes. Ofcourse. The wonderful idea that women are chattel. Fuck man. Just so shitty how these people always, always see women as inferior objects to be used and discarded. Ugh. Now I'm legit irritated too. I never ever thought I'd say this but with all the crap Indian patriarchy has, the middle class isn't this bad for sure. Like there's a quality of degrading treatment I've only ever witnessed in some parts of the world, but ones I hadn't associated with the west growing up. I have come a full circle in that wanting to escape the kind of patriarchy at home has made me also appreciate some aspects of promoting family values and the role they can play in keeping people safe and sound. God I hate that lol. I just especially dislike the whole culty ideas of women and how they are outright seen as second class breeders that can be exchanged... Fuck that and fuck you assholes yuck. I don't want to read any more of this article. Screw this. 

Lately I've been thinking about stoicism. How you should only focus on things you can control. It seems solid. It's the only way to feel grounded. To completely let go of anything outside of that area of control. But channel energy into things you can build. I want to just lose myself in work maybe. I have this hunch that all the answers and reassurances I seek are beyond that one threshold. I feel like I haven't come into my own and now more than ever I want that. Maybe it's just time to go all in and bet on self and just leave everyone behind. In any case, the only solution I know to self doubt, to feeling blue, to insecurity... Anything at all... Is to just immerse in work and goals and forget the rest. Guess that's what I'm going to be doing from now. Anything to abate this weird sense of mental exhaustion I suppose lol. Idk man. I feel kinda lost and adrift and I don't like it. I want to have things to look forward to again. To wake up all happy and looking forward to the day etc. Heh. I hope this is just a small phase. 

Travelling feels good at times. 

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I like raves's wife hehe. It's funny how boys will fuck around as much as they want but when it comes down to it, the good ones always choose sweet and nice women to marry. It's so nice and wholesome. I'm very happy for him.♥️ I'm glad he didn't choose that batshit crazy ex of his lol. Married early too like the good Christian boy that he is haha. Awesomeeeee!!

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I think for the good folks atleast... When you meet the right one, you just know it. When you know you know. I think sometimes you know it right off the bat too. Like this person is special and meant for me. And at times it makes you want to better yourself for them and that's really lovely too. Awwwie. I feel nice and cozy inside rn. Hehe.

Dammit now I want that 2100 ugh. Was so close too.

Burnt my hand lmao. Who tf knew eggs explode in the microwave jeez. Ugh what a big burn wtf

I wish Tennis had a third and a fourth in line so round off sincaraz. Already tired of them just dominating always lmao. 

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Wow Drake placing bets on sinner lmao cursed him instantly

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Let's go FAA! Deep run babyyyy

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Man... I just...I really crave the assurance of trust. Just to be able to relax in the knowledge and comfort of it. 

I suppose some people just turn the idea of it into you being the sitting duck... Like hey they let their guard down now we can exploit. One of the bigger mistakes I've made all along is assuming people will change. I have to accept they don't. 

Anyway, finding that stable ground is one of the biggest desires of my life. All this hyper vigilance etc will melt away the minute I feel like there's firm ground to walk on. I guess somewhere down the line taking as many hits as I did has made me stubborn about this point but I suppose that's fine. It's not like I'm losing out on anything by feeling this way. I'd rather just be cautious and not callous with myself. Rest will align itself as it must. Heh. I want something nice to call my own and I don't want to dilute the nice part. I hope someday I can look back and appreciate the fact that I actively sought that.