Djoko Rafa omggggggg. AAAAAAAAAAA

dammit one last time oof. Love it

Whistle whistle cheer

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass

Seemed like the real thing only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

In between

What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine

Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind

If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good

You teasing like you do

💃💃💃

~~

I want wine. 🍷 

Aaaaand

I LOVE THIS SONG SOOOO MUCH AFTER SOOOO LONG OMGGGG

Can't take my eyes

Ta da ta da ta da da da da.

Omgggg I can dance across a room to this with someoneeeeeee

I LOVE YOU BAAABAYYYY. 

Swaaaaayyyyy 

Let me looooove youuuu

Hmmm.

Today I told him what was on my mind after eons. And midway I was like yeah it's okay he should know and I should also not be afraid of speaking up. Bottling it for months then suddenly spewing it out of the blue is also not cool. It might blindside someone. For once, neither of us got heightened or lash out at the other haha. It gets tough when both folks are emotional about the same thing. Maybe. I guess it comes down to safety also. In blaming him, and choosing not to communicate I was denying myself a sense of safety. And in anticipation of a torrent of emotions it probably threatens his. Lol. A clusterfuck. Truly. 

Heh. I don't know man. I think it's not wrong for me to expect a ' glad I know you too ', happy you are in my life etc. Because I do express care cuz I genuinely do otherwise I'm also detached and can be. So it's up to him really. The parts where I need to feel good is for him to take the lead on. 

But anyway, as for the rest of it... I think I'm just gonna let go of all expectations and let things flow on their own. A genuine equation has to arise out of genuine fondness and a desire to be close, everything else is simply control and coercion and that's not good for anyone. So let me just stay in my lane and focus on being happy and grounded. I want niceness and consideration, I'm happy to offer the same in return along with transparency and openness. If he brings that to the table, great. If not, I'll keep the space open for whoever naturally fits in there. But I'm not going through life feeling unacknowledged ever again. I'd like to experience wholeness and wholesomeness and if I'm making as much effort in being understanding, I suppose fairplay states the other person also does their bit. 

Plus my litmus test in the end is simple - is this person showing behaviour that I'd be okay exposing a child to? That's been a good north star to understand what is right treatment v what is not. I don't care if I never have kids but I will not spend my life around people who treat me badly. Friends or otherwise. I think that much should not be off the table. 

I don't take any of this lightly. 

Anyway, let me not get carried away and label stuff and take it on faith this one last time that it was simply avoidance that made him that way and that he understood what I said and will make the necessary changes. If not, then 🤷‍♀️

Whatever else happens, happens. 

Que sera sera. That's a fucking good motto to follow.

Nothing as nice as just feeling tired and sleepy by the end of the day. Whew. These rainy days make me not wanna leave the quilt too heh. 

Assholes

Day in and day out. I see posts on Kramnik and hiki etc. See that fabi dates 17yos and is friends with that sexual assaulter Alejandra. No way he didn't know what was happening. So many many problematic people. I don't know if it's chess that makes them that way. Sometimes I think it does, because they tie their self worth to their play. But they way they behave is so utterly horrible. If I had a kid, I would be ashamed if they turned out to be adults like them. Honest to god. A grown man of 40+ accusing a 10yo publicly of cheating no proof no actual evidence just straight up worldwide broadcasting shit about a child. Inviting shitty bullies all over to do the same. It's just abusive and how. And the fact that someone that old just doesn't get why it's even wrong to do so. It's one thing to suspect something. But quite another to try and steamroll someone's career, much less someone that's a baby. And it's laughable to imagine a 10 yo child being diabolical enough to get away with fooling algorithms. Maybe these people simply have zero idea how algos work but still. Just the idea that such abusive behaviour is the norm is so fucked up tbh. He got his ass handed to him by that IM. Didn't once say sorry or that okay well played. No, he just dug in more and kept finding excuses. Such a sorry state of affairs. 

Hmmm. Seriously man. If any kid of mine grew up to be an adult like this I'd consider myself a complete failure as a parent. 

Funny how tennis never had such stupidity. Barring some tiffs here and there, noone starts saying do drug tests on people like Alcaraz just when he wins. In fact most of them do share a camaraderie. I guess I just prefer tennis players overall tbh. Hardwork plus good attitude. Lol. No way the moms of FedEx or Carlitos are ever going to think they fucked up as parents lol. 

It's such a sad thing dude. I'm sorry the chess world is so petty. They are such complete assholes most of them. I can't even imagine being accused of cheating, let alone this way. Fuckers. I get why most chess folks start to keep to themselves when they are faced with such toxicity too, who wouldn't? Yukkies. 

Heh. From loving the game to hating the players. What a joke. 

Finally

After close to two months of feeling like shit I have started to feel a bit better. Damn man. It almost felt like some light had just gone out of my life or something. Crazy. I've never actively been down like this before. How tf do people who have actual depression even deal with it holy balls. It's scary. 

Anyway, time to put it all behind and just reach a happy space again. No more getting stuck, build some momentum and rise and shine. 

Oh well, song for the night:

You'd be so nice to come home to

There's an old, old, old world girl inside of me, one that loves nice music, dancing against someone's chest and a whole lot of oldish world romance. Ting ting ting tingle. 

Sweep me away.

Holy crap joy... Where hast thou been? I missed these so damn much, NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. FFS. 

Fuck it

Fuck the turmoil, fuck the sadness, fuck people who are mean, and fuuuuuck the world. Idgaf. 

Tired of being sad, tired of wondering if someone is nice nice nice no no no no...not a narcissist, not a cheat, not evil... no, nein nyat...Niceee. Say it to me slowly, whisper it again and again so I believe. 

Make me believe. :) lel. Can you?

I could die tomo, so could you. That's the fucking truth and the north star I've lived by. Sucks, but that's why I care and don't quit and I don't let myself just be meeeeeaaaaannn. So many fucking times in my life I chose to stand by and let it slide and I always will cuz nothing else feels right but damn the universe has a way of testing that fucking resolve all the goddamn time. Heh. Fuck you too universe, I'll win against you too. Suck it. Idgaf. 

Here. 

Rhye - Taste

Play me. 

And let me lie down. 

~

Hurt me again, and I will set you free. And I will never look back. Promise. 

~

Meanwhile, 

The engineer in me loves this song. 

A journey to Reedham

Take a bow, squarepusher, you outdo yourself, what a composition. Bring the chaos together, and bind it with your beats. I love the jazz version more cuz jazz has my heart but dayum to be able to create this oof. 

Gotta go back to music...my one true love. 

~

Aaaaand I will label myself art because why tf not. 💋♥️

Cheers to signature red. 

Cherry cherry cherry indeed. 

The importance of Niceness

Hmmm. I know chess can be frustrating. But lately, all this random ignoring and acting out is getting a bit much tbh. And adding it on when I already told him about L's cancer thing and how bad I was feeling is just taking being insensitive to a whole new level. 

~

I was wondering why I feel annoyed by it... It's cuz it's very dismissive. Usually if someone is pissy about something they just either communicate it openly or cool off and say something to show that they are normal. Here, it feels like... I'm gonna give silent treatment and then you only reach out etc. It would be juvenile if some teenager did this, but for a 41 yo to be this immature is weird. 

If I pull back, it's only cuz I get tired of being the one doing the work and I feel like okay this is the space for you to and this is the space where it should be you but then it just goes into tantrum mode of wanting me to be the one to say hi. And a lot of the times it feels like deliberately mean also, with the whole I'm gonna not only give curt replies, ignore half of what you say etc. 

Like where is the bit where you ask me how I'm doing? How I've been? Anything at all about me , any conversation that's actually about me? Like not even once in two + years? 

~

Aiyoooo. 

Just. Lmao. Idk what to do with him sometimes it's frustrating. 

You should not test someone's care by throwing tantrums you should seek to make them feel happy and comfortable with you so that the bond can grow and thrive. His way feels like I'm gonna stamp on this plant repeatedly, refuse to water it, then get angry cuz it's dying. 💀

Like bruh..it would do the opposite if you actually showed it the kind of care it needs. When will you figure that out?

~

Well I atleast told him that not in so many words but called it out. I think maybe I should also do that more instead of keeping it to myself. Lol. Both are being avoidant in this. And that's stupid on both our parts. Ugh. It's my Achilles heel though. If I feel someone is being uncaring I just hate it and then feel like maybe I should not invest my time and emotions with them. And that's fair. I think I will end up pulling back if things stay this way because honestly it's not worth it to be hurt randomly and then have little to no recompense. Feels very soul sucking. And if I detach these parts of me then de facto it will mean that I don't give a shit about him and that will just make me indifferent. Idk man... It's for him to figure out I can't do it for him and I'm not holding myself hostage for someone if they can't be caring I just do nooooot have the patience for it. I want peace, stability and solidity in my equations and I will not settle for less any longer. 

Woke up at 4 am and worked out promptly. Was thinking to myself... I feel like doing my best and being better when I feel like I have a larger purpose. I have never coveted anything in this world tbh. To a point where people around me would always wonder why because everyone took it for granted that being smart meant you want the bigger slice of pie and I've never wanted that at all. But what I do love is doing my best for people I care about. Building something for them, for the community around me, being helpful, being strong... All of that is very outward driven for me. I feel like since you have finite time, atleast spending it so life is better for everyone with you in it is worthwhile. Even if I was building a company or a business, I think my end goal would remain the same...to get to the top simply to impact the community around me. I hope someday I get a chance to change things for the better for some people atleast. I would love that. I'd like to do this via making education possible and accessible maybe. Rn it is a very nascent dream, but as I gather my wits and get to solidity, I think it is a dream that I would like to fulfill. 

I think everyone needs a leg up and someone to believe in them. I believe from the bottom of my heart that no matter the odds, people can over come them with a little help and encouragement. My last company... I saw VC, a guy who was barely few years older. Top B schools, generally a typical management guy who was nice as well as driven. And then turned out he had polio. A disease I thought was eradicated tbh. And it felt so fucked to see. Until then I had never suspected that he might come from a place where his parents were so neglectful or that he must have really had to leave that impairment aside to do his best. It's not easy, but these small instances in life really tell you a lot about people. 

I've had the luxury of a good life, of being able to do as I please. Not many have it. But for what it's worth, I'd like to atleast be able to give back in some shape or form. To my family, to my friends, to people who have been there for me. I'd like to be a rock for them. And take care of them and genuinely just make sure whoever is in contact with me atleast feels a sense of happiness that they met me. That would make me very happy to know that I achieved that on balance. Heh. Maybe I am my grandad's granddaughter after all. He might have been a semi influential man, but more than anything he was an honest man. Never did anything wrong, didn't exploit his power, took only what was given and never more, and helped everyone around him. I admire and respect that. I didn't know him too well, but this is my idea of him and I'd like to believe I'm right. More importantly, it's my idea of what's right in life and I would like to live that thought. 

Soulmate

 Totally my spirit animal lol. What a cutie

Stupid weather making me sick. Ugh. Fever and cold and just wanna cuddle. Crazy how a bit of rain makes everything so cold.

That account popped up on my feed again and I  remembered that shit this guy pulled with that shreya girl and how he got her to delete her comments and then delete herself from that account itself for a bit. A few weeks ago when I saw that I was so weirded out and shocked. Reading that post again today and it feels like meh. People will do what they want. It's all so childish and silly too. All of it. The hiding, the sneakiness, deception what have you... whatever it is...everything. It's just... Whatever I guess.

Going to such lengths to hide stuff is just kinda sad.

And I just don't care at all about all this childishness and I'm over all this weirdness tbh. There's no need for hiding me from someone or someone from me or any of this, I'm not his mistress for him to go to such lengths to keep me away from his life and idk, after seeing L etc I just feel all this bs in life is simply not worth it. It could have been me who got it too and the idea that someone can be stuck thinking he needs to not reach out to me, or has to hide his life from me or just give busy kinda excuses yadayada is a bit too lame tbh. Blah. I can't help him understand any of this, you either get it or you don't. So sad no. If it was me and I don't tell I could just die and he would be sitting there thinking mean thoughts about me trying to ignore me to prove how he doesn't care about me. Lol. Funny. Tragic that it feels like it might be a distinct possibility. 

...

Lol. What a weirdo he is. Idk why he has to hide so much like what is there to even fear? Feels like at times that he is ruled by a lot of fears tbh. I realised he hates confrontation so runs away from it. V avoidant, but you should not feel so unsafe in everything. It's almost like some ptsd and phobia for him and I can't imagine why. Really sad though. Can't imagine someone living with such paranoia and the need to hide stuff about themselves. Bizarre. 

Like it's okay if there's a tiff here and there, that's just life. Well, I hope he works on his issues idk what else to say. Heh. Sometimes it used to make me v angry which is unlike me but then realised that maybe I'm dealing with someone with a lot of personal issues or something. Hmmm. Well, I can't make him feel safe but by now he should just feel so on his own. Or maybe he is doing something shady lmao. Who knows with guys? Anyway,  I'm v forgiving and I'm quite soft on the inside but you gotta be able to be decent and be honest and open otherwise what's even the point. Especially reaching out. It's fucked up that he has the same trait as A and it's v worrying cuz I can't deal with another narcissist again man. It's extremely red flaggy that he hasn't done it once in two years that is not normal. And I am sure as shit not his past or evil in any way. So it's v bizarre to be like this. Tired of feeling like he thinks I might be or whatever. Blah. Fuck it.  Anyway, so it goes. 

~

You know what I would have liked tbh? A little appreciation actually. Like thank you Prajakta for being there for me, thank you for caring about my well being, thank you for reaching out always and caring about me and being in my corner. Thank you for always being supportive of me. Because I have done all that and I always will, but a little bit of acknowledgment goes a long way. Those are the words that would have actually touched my heart tbh. Randomly ignoring me or acting like what I have to say has no value and all that is just soooo... well in his words kinda mocked. You can't always just be about you, at times you gotta also ask about the other person. When someone's a good friend to you, you should also be nice to them...Well. Everyone should learn the value of appreciation and showing someone you value them. Light heartedness, happiness, laughter, positivity, value, consideration... All of that would have been nice. 

Oh well... Life should be simple and from my side it is and has been. Rest of it is not my issue. 🤷‍♀️

Drives

I have a special love for long drives. Open roads, good music and just a lovely sunny day. 

Plus I get to look at the sky and spot the different types of clouds I once painstakingly taught myself, and it's a teeny bit of info that is just so special to me idek why. 

What's the greatest book ever written and what makes it great? 

I don't know. Might be many contenders. For me, the ones I've loved are either ones that made me think lots or ones whose plots were so well crafted that the artistry got to me. 

Really hard to find series that you can just dig into though. The last I loved is maybe open, which I read incessantly. But really want to find more that are meaty. 

Anyway, new day... Enough moping and existential crisis lol. Let's do the best you can and just be happy from now. Can't change what's happened, but can try to make the future better and more mindful. 

Enough of grief and feeling low too dayum. It's been so rough these few weeks. Idk when this heaviness will fully lift, I'm trying my best but it creeps in when I don't expect it. I guess it also tells me how much I cared about that asshole woman lmao. I did, I do. And I can't bear to think of it anymore. But I gotta come to terms with it and I have to allow myself to grieve when needed too. 

Hmmm. In the interim... here's to letting the past go, to rest, and genuine happy peace and stability. Let's atleast start to try for it all from now.

Cheers. 

Everytime I think about L, it shatters my day all over again. I told M about it too, didn't say much but mentioned it. Didn't really expect him to say anything anyway. 

Anyway, idk. I guess it's life? What can we do in any of this except just deal with it? I'm not even sure what I feel anymore. I don't have any anger towards her, mostly cuz it just feels pointless now. 

That's the thing with getting older, life seems more and more finite. It's something I've always been aware of, but never as acutely. I just want the best for everyone I love. I do. I want them to be happy and prosperous and have a purpose. I guess that's why I reached out to this boy also. He is such a child and gets so bullish about so many things and part of me wants to scold but mostly just wants him to understand some fundamental truths which I feel he hasn't yet gotten round to understanding. None of us know how long we have. He told me I was being too serious when I said I want to stay away if he didn't want to talk to me, I wasn't. I understand how precious little time we all have and while I might be simple and direct, I cannot and do not want to tank equations and friendships on whims nor do I seek to hurt someone but I fucking need solidity. Idk, blah. You can only take a horse to water I guess. But maybe it is a privilege and he must have had a pretty lucky life if he can be so cavalier with people too. That in itself is a privilege to me. I guess it is what it is. You do you man. I don't grudge you or anyone else the privilege of being flippant because it means sad parts of life have never touched you. But I am acutely aware of a lot of them and that's why people are precious to me. Maybe someday you'll understand me enough to get that.

~

Ugh. My friend mocks me saying you were so proud of booting all the toxic folks in life only to include the most toxic person ever and choosing to believe they are good. I hate that. And from the bottom of my heart I hope and wish that you prove them wrong and that this one time my trust in someone isn't misplaced.

Magnus's mum died. Oh man. Cancer too. Fuck. Rip. :(

I asked this boy what's going on and he is icing out again. Part of me is mad but the other part is like omg...lol. Dammit he is suuuch a child sometimes idek what to say. Like idk. Part of me is melting despite myself, other part is like bruh youuuu are the one that didn't want to speak so I stayed away now you are only giving attitude. So unfair. And being suuuch a diva about it too. 💀. Ugh such a little baby he is. Well, I hope he stops being this way soon. I don't like anger or being subjected to it, it feels scary. So I'm hesitant to ask anything now. But let's see. Ugh. You stupid mad fellow just be normal sheesh. I wish he would treat me well from now, none of these weird fights would happen if we felt safe with each other but he keeps pulling the carpet from under me and that's just scary asf for me tbh. I want to feel like I'm protected by him not fucking have him be the one attempting to stab me. It's unsettling. 🙄. Ugh. But I am also missing you lots. I always do when you aren't around. Hehe. Dodo. But you can't keep being unfair and hurting me and then pretending to be busy it's just wrong. You're too old to keep doing this routine, it's time to mature and be a responsible man, not some cranky man child. 

"Really toxic babysitting" - it's what that lady said about narcissists and I'm inclined to agree. 

I feel like anytime you end up dating someone who has npd or bpd or any of the cluster Bs, you need to ask yourself a very fundamental question - why did you feel so badly about yourself that you chose to be around this person? 

I've been pondering this lately. With so many people in my life I ended up putting up with so much nonsense without walking away and for what? I used to always just think people are nice. And it took me ages to come around to the idea that it's not true. It didn't help that my mum only modelled selfish behaviour and I came to accept that in people a lot more than others do maybe. 

If roles were changed and it was me who got Leukemia or something life threatening... How would it feel to know that up until then I was being hurt or that people around me don't care about me or haven't bothered to check up on me? Lol. It would be horrible dude.  

What a depressing line of thinking man. Seriously. It feels very soul sucking. 

~

I felt like telling M also to be nice to me. But then it hit me... Someone potentially dying should not be the reason he has to be nice, and that also cuz I ask. He should have been that way always because I've always been great to him. And that's a fact. Even after I broke the silence this time, even though I should not have to cuz he was the one who acted out... He still is being weird. And I can't take it anymore tbh. It's just too mean and there's just too much devastating shit on my plate as it is. Whatever. He is 41 and he should know how to value someone and how to keep that ego aside for people he cares about, and not be so unreliable and selfish all the time. I'm not going to baby him any longer. I don't want to be dying and realise someone is stuck in their ego never wanting to check up on me. How shitty can you be at times dude. Fuck. Unreal. I have never once treated you badly and you have never once treated me well it feels like sometimes. 

~

Meh..fuck this shit. Fuck being unhappy, fuck all the people who have sucked so far and fuck all the rest of it lol. Idc. I'll be fine and I'll be careful enough to only allow the right sort of people in my world from now. Fuck all the rest they can suck it. Never again am I going to be stuck in stupidity or malice and anyone who tries to subject me to it can also fuck off. 

Meddy v Sinner

Gotta hand it to meddy for really trying his heart out. He is one player that has grown on me over the years. 

Hope he wins this match, really lovely to see him come out fighting 

I think I've given up on a few things. It feels like too much pressure and I just want to be chill now. Been keeping to myself a lot more, talking to bro lots etc. Feels okay. Glad he understood about L too. I was afraid not many people would but surprisingly everyone did. I feel v comforted by that. It's been a complex lot of emotions to grapple with. But I'm so happy people actually have my back on this and not a single judgemental thought came my way. It's wonderful. I feel v blessed. 

Bittersweet

This thing with L brought back so many memories and events of our time together. While significant, I cannot unsee the selfishness and dramaticness that tinged all of it. 

Maybe chalking it up to early adulthood might be useful in explaining it but I don't know. The way she treated SH... Who loved her so much. How disposable she made him. All those fights and him having to make up all the time, all the times she cheated on him, dangled other guys in front of him, and then finally when he broke it off, promptly went back to S to stick it to him and screwed S over too. 

It was all so wrong. Both these guys were my close friends and seeing them treated this way was quite awful. And yet, noone would call this behaviour out to be the shit show it was. We were so weird about just accepting this nonsense. And she had no qualms about screwing everyone over whenever she wanted to. Stuff like this is why today I find myself not reaching out. I don't hate her anymore maybe. The gravity of what she is facing has settled in and has more or less removed a lot of my anger towards her too. But do I forgive any of this? I don't think so. 

And I find myself thinking... Do I ever want to be in a spot where I get jerked around like this? No. I do not. She even used to keep them hanging, and not reaching out herself but wanting others to, and if asked why... It would be the same ' I got busy ' etc. Attempting to levitate herself above others I suppose. I never realised that this is just a mask for low self esteem then. But now I see all this behaviour for what it is. Abusive. Abusive to partners and close ones. The only one she was actively unable to manipulate was her husband and I know the reasons why. 

And many other weird things too...how she wants to keep saying she is the best at everything despite just being normal and average and most importantly... How deceptive and image driven she was. She was one of the first people in my life that I truly cared about, but to now see her as a completely selfish, self serving person who only left a trail of destruction behind her... It makes me ask myself... Do I want a person like that in my life ever again? No. I do not. People like this are ghoulish and best avoided. It's such a harsh take but it's an honest one too.  And it's quite possibly the first time in my life I'm actually allowing myself to not get swayed by the waves of horridness that keep washing over me from time to time. Feels very bad to be honest. 

~

If all you do is treat someone badly... The only thing you end up being is a lesson in who to avoid. 

Everyone eventually figures it out, and noone wants to put up with it at the end of the day. 

Trying to read the night circus and just can't seem to care about it. 💀

Why do people like it so much?

Alice Munro

 

Sometimes you read horrendous records like this -

https://archive.is/2024.07.07-111321/https://www.thestar.com/opinion/contributors/my-stepfather-sexually-abused-me-when-i-was-a-child-my-mother-alice-munro-chose/article_8415ba7c-3ae0-11ef-83f5-2369a808ea37.html

~

My mind just shuts down at disturbing accounts like this. A man... In his 50s... Doing this to a kid. Would she have been the only one? I don't know. And then them calling a 9yo a homewrecker. Fuck. 

It takes so long sometimes to untangle the mess adults left you with. Esp adults whose job it was to protect your and love you. I cannot imagine how betrayed you must feel when faced with this. Or how hard it is to accept that the people in your life who were meant to care for you are the actual monsters. No child should ever have to deal with that. Women too, can be such scummy people. To distance yourself from something like this and not take the side of your own child. It's such a crime. And she has a nobel. 💀

Idk man. I think there's way too many people out there that have the potential to be harmful. It's best to be very discerning, esp when it comes to stuff like sexual abuse or any form of abuse tbh. I still just can't wrap my head around the fact that a 50yo man would do this. What I hated the most here was Alice and her completely selfish take and assuming that all these kids were a threat to her security. How do women end up this way? And how are they so completely about themselves? My own mom is extremely self centred and self serving but I cannot imagine even her being this outright fucked up. Like no way. 

This is the reason I hate selfish, self serving people. They cause so much psychological damage and a lot of the times it ends up charting a course for wreckage in your own lives when in reality... None of it was your fault and none of it makes you in the wrong. 

I wish I could take away a lot of the hate and negativity from this world. I do. If I had that one superpower, it would be that I could protect and help people who need it. People who need to see what makes them special, what makes them lovable and make sure everyone can feel at ease knowing in their hearts and minds that they are worthy. 

Shit ya. Terrible thing to have read so early on a Monday. Alice Munro. You truly are a giant piece of shit. Bitch lived till 92 also, what a turd.

 

Spellbound

Seeing Djoko with his daughter.. so cute. What is it about these asshole men who are nevertheless good to kids? Ugh. They are my fucking kryptonite. Istg I'll end up with a dude who irritates the crap out of me from time to time but then I'll just melt if I see these soft sides. Hate these fuckers lmao. Right in that sweet spot of completely having me under their spell

I was thinking about insecure people. And how they have an inability to appreciate anyone else because they are sooooo insecure about themselves that they can simply not tolerate anyone else being good. Just devolve into petty jealousy. I used to meet a lot of these and they'd get jealous immediately and I wouldn't understand it at the time. Now I kinda do. 

Secure people don't need others to feel low about themselves or to hide themselves so they can feel like they are the star. And tbh... If someone is so insecure they need to do that to someone else then I'm sorry but they are not star, they are just a poser trying hard and failing. A complete joke. Maybe that's the root of the insecurity too. The fact that they are aware of how big a joke they are. Pathetic. Nothing spells an abject loser like a try harding braggart.

Meh - anyone who tries to dim your shine is not worth a dime.  🤷‍♀️

Missing me

Read some random banter memes and was wondering how long it's been since I actually had an engaging conversation like that with someone. I really miss that. Just being absolutely in the middle of an extremely fun conversation with lots of friendliness and laughter and clever lines and such. Mhhmmmm. It's been ages since I met someone clever like that tbh. I used to looove that battle of wits and repartee ugh. Where in life did I get so lost that I have lost touch with all these things that made me so happy? Dayum. 

I miss debating, I miss funny stuff, I miss having these engaging convos that last for days on end and most of all, I miss the person I used to be when in the midst of all this. Fuck. Feels like the last few years have been a starvation mode of who I used to be. Haven't been able to express any of this in sooooo long. Heh. I want a nice, long banter sess just to feel a bit alive lmao. 

P - I know what is bothering you and what you think is responsible for this too. 

Sustenance

M is coming back and both me and her bf are so excited to go pick her up and chill with her. This is how it should be. Happy to have someone around and looking forward to being nice to them. I wanted to meet her at the airport, so does he. We both just love her. And this is what loving someone is, the desire to be kind to them and missing them when they aren't around. 

I would never in my dreams think of ignoring her or belittling her to make myself feel good. Not once. She is such a precious person to me, I want nothing but the best for her. The way I feel towards her and towards people I love is how I want people to think about me as well. I have strong friendships, lasting friendships, and I plan on making every equation I have worth its weight in gold. 

Sucks that I have to use this as a reminder but so it goes. Well, atleast I have a model of how I'd like to be treated. Years ago I wrote about how I'd like a guy to see me, and I'd like to add to it... I want whoever ends up being the one in my life to see me how I see and treat my friends. Care about them, about their feelings. Want to be nice, want to know about their lives, be interested and be supportive. Rest of the stuff we can deal but there will be no more room in my life for disrespectful behaviour, manipulation, rage or any form of meanness. I will leave at the first sign of it. No exceptions. 

Yep. This is exactly what I'm looking for. ♥️

When you worry lots and lack sleep to the point that you get all puffy and get perpetual dark circles. Fuck. Looking crazy haggard these days, really need some sunshine in life.

I keep having this dream of being in a place where you go down a few stone steps and there's a beach across. When the tide comes in, it's hard to go down the steps and there are usually a couple of guards that stop you. Otherwise you can go down and you'd be met with a huge expanse of water. 

I've never had a dream in which I crossed through, but always stood on top of the steps, usually around twilight or early morning. It looked so beautiful and serene. I don't know where I know this image from, but it always comes back in my mind. 

Grief has a strange way of removing fears and desires. This thing with L, grotesque as it is, has been making me feel quite listless along with numb. Strange is life. 

I was feeling so bad about L. And I thought okay life is short let me just say hi to this guy. It's been ages. And then woke up early and saw he was working so checked it out for 2 mins. And there he was... Nicely telling people he has to go for social events. Must be code for getting laid lol. 

I have no words anymore. I feel very betrayed. Heh. 

Idk. A person I used to really love might die. It's been wrecking me so much. All year I have thought about how finite life is. It's so gutting to realise. But what little time we all have, I don't want to spend just being treated badly by people I do my best for and am nice to. I can't unsee any of this any longer. The fact that someone might be hiding me from some girl, or just simply finds it easy to tell me they can't even say hi to me and then just doesn't speak to me for a month and now this. It's so so so bad. I can't pretend like it isn't hurtful. And what's the goal here... to prove I'm not worth a single text, a single phone call, a single email response? And maybe that was the goal. To hurt me. Idk man... You should not be so insecure as to do this stuff. Or whatever it is that makes it so hard for him to be caring. Or the need for this much paranoia and arrogance. But at the end of the day, I'm not looking to be held prisoner at the periphery of someone's life, eventually the hurt caused will simply turn to indifference. And if someone is so resistant to it, then even I don't want it tbh. I've never liked to go anywhere I'm not wanted infact. Funny thing is I only ever said hi to him on my own after months cuz I was sure by then he wanted me to. Otherwise I was happy to pretend to be a boy online and do my own thing tbh. I'm surprised it hasn't turned to indifference already, but I chose to trust him when he tried to show that he is a good guy, cuz he made such an effort to do so. I don't know if it was just an act now lol. I chose to trust the intent but idk now if the intent is just self serving. Because at the end of the day, all the intent etc can just be denied. And what I'm left with us just a person who doesn't ask about me, thinks it's okay to give me silent treatment and in general seems very incapable of actually showing me care directly. It's all in the shadows with plausible deniability. And I fear being in a spot which is like this. These aren't questions I should have or fear for my emotional safety either. But this lack of transparency has kinda taken it's toll too. It's simply not fair to me. And I'm soooo tired. I am. I guess this is the part of me I both love and fear. The part that doesn't seem to quit on people easily. But life should not be about how much you can take before you quit. And if you are the kind of man that can willingly put me in some box to be used as needed, then what does that even make you? And why should I be okay with it? All this just comes across as narcissistic and I know that a narcissist is prone to diminishing and abusing people in their lives. I'm not going through that ever again. And it should not feel like wow how nice everytime some basic niceness is shown to me. I'm done with shitty treatment and I'm not going to allow it any longer. That's just wrong. I'm not obligated to care, it is a privilege not a compulsion. It's funny but a lot of the times I meet people who drive me to indifference and I end up wondering to myself like why? Why was it so hard to be nice when you had the chance? I was always good to you.🤷‍♀️ But I fully acknowledge that I'm at fault here too for sticking around that long when I can see they are being mean. 

~

Hmm. I don't know if I'm objectively right here. And I'm not exactly angry either. I guess I'm just disappointed and a bit sad. I don't think life should be complicated by all this ego. And maybe the intent is not to be vicious either but two years of someone just never asking me a single thing about me took it's toll. That's why it feels like trying to clutch at straws and I mean. The truth is, if he cares about me as a person, wanted me in his life... This would not be how he chose to behave. Men in general are a lot more soft and kind to women. All my friends are. And all guys do know how to do that when they want, except the nasty ones who want to hurt women. I don't know if he falls in the latter category, I sincerely hope not. And I don't think he is either. I think he is just fearful and selfish at times and that clouds his judgement maybe, and then he simply doesn't know how to fix stuff. That is possibly the problem, him just not knowing how to fix stuff lol. But he is 41 and he should have learnt by now. Anyway, it is how it is I guess. I am releasing myself of this burdensome feeling and I'm going to not be angry at him or anything. Life is too short for that too lol. It's best not to have grudges and it's best to keep things simple and tidy. In the end, I feel like life has a way of restoring balance in one way or another and it will.

It's not possible for me to ever love a man who tries to strip me of my dignity or who doesn't provide the kind of respect and loyalty I seek. I can put up with a lot, but a safe haven, that's built on a firm foundation of care and respect and consideration is all I want and I know now that my heart will not allow me to ever suffer indignities, I'll simply rather be alone than lose myself in an uncaring hell hole. This I'm sure of. 

~

I will say hi this time around, cuz life is short. But I will not pretend to myself anymore that bit by bit this kinda behaviour has chipped away at my sense of safety and security. And long term, I will only be around people who welcome me and actively seek to keep me in their lives. Seeing L and seeing her life makes me want to be nothing like her ever, nor do I want to be in overly dramatic situations or any of that bs. Just peace. 

Until then, que sera sera.

One way to beat the blues fuck it. 6 mins left. Let's gooo. 

Song of the day:

Zemlya

It's strange how certain things serve to give you perspective on life. Like it's so bizarre. Two of my friends found out about L's diagnosis. Immediately bombarded me with questions about it. 

And I now I have to withstand any incoming questions about reaching out to her etc because people knew we were close. I decided not to, and I don't want to share the reasons why because it doesn't feel right to torch her reputation as a justification to strangers or to let them into a part of life and reasoning that I simply do not want to revisit. Nor do I want to intrude on her family at this time, her mum in particular must be extremely devasted and would want to know why I chose to leave and I simply can't tell her the truth. 

It's such a singularly strange position to be in, because people just end up wanting you to either behave a certain way or want to know what your reasons are for not wanting to.

Simply leaving it alone or understanding how it feels is a no go for a lot. My feeling and past are mine to protect and I do not like intrusions from people I'm not close to, yet telling them that becomes some very strange thing which I simply do not want to do. It's so fucked up man. On top of it, I am legitimately devastated about it. The more I read about Leukemia, the worse it gets and I just can't imagine how tough this is going to be. Fuck dude. 

There are so many crossroads in life. And it's so hard for me to pick my own side, especially as on the other side there's a person I have cared about so deeply. I can't in good conscience be there or reconnect knowing I don't actually want to be in this person's life. It's my fault for always picking people who don't care about me maybe. A very bad mistake on my part, but at the time I didn't know it was a mistake. Hmmm. Even now, I think I do make that kind of a mistake. I should, to the best of my ability atleast, keep a distance from people I don't like. And even if I like them, I should hold back till there's a genuine established give and take between us. I want to nurture strong bonds but they need to be two way. 

Why does growing up mean having to take hard calls? I don't like it. It just sucks man. But it's best to attain a balance where you feel nourished and not cornered. Heh. I guess half my life I used to feel like I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself purely cuz it felt the same as being cornered. And I would get all territorial about them cuz I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable. How sad. Even now... I'm not telling anyone other than M how I feel, but the fact that a person has hurt me so much and most noone even knows it, is just me being territorial about my vulnerability that I wish not to share with anyone other than my close circle. I'm glad I have them and I don't have to ever hide anything from them.

Anyway, I will try my best from now. Idk what else to say or do also now. Just wishing the best for her mum and dad. My heart breaks thinking about how horrid it'll be for them and that's what actually hurts me the most tbh.