Zomg

Lost all respect for gukesh 🙄 what the fuuuuuck is that trash choice like some scared little pussy. Ugh why are both players acting like such wusses bc go for the throat Jesus. I can't even understand how someone wanting a title does this yuck

Something about the zen mode of working out feels so sacred at times. It's just time for me, no outside world, no nothing. Just sweat it out and have no other thoughts. Feels good. Days when it's colder it feels harder to get started but I never regret it once I do. That's nice. I should maintain this kind of silos regarding certain things and not have any intrusions during that time. Hehe. Giving myself importance. I used to feel guilty about doing that earlier. 

Having a functional equation to me is a factor of trusting a person with stuff you keep close, not keeping them in the dark while expecting them to trust you. I guess that's something a bunch of people don't understand. I recall M saying it's okay to lie to your partner as you have the right to just go out by yourself for a drink if you want without telling. I remember thinking wtf how can someone feel that's normal? And then she basically goes "it must be your fault if someone feels the need to lie " and then equating it to how many times we used to lie to parents growing up. That moment was so telling for me. Here's a person that seeks to protect themselves from their close ones by lying and somehow blaming them for choosing to lie. So dysfunctional that very thought is. Do people sometimes never outgrow their childhood? I don't know. I fundamentally dislike this trait in people wherein they never seek to ask if they are doing the right thing, they just justify whatever by blaming the other person.

But now I've reached a point where I'm like ok if you do that then I will also keep distance. Because at the end of the day I value normalcy and transparency. I guess it makes me care less and less when I see a lack of it. Maybe that's also why I try to be close cuz I know I'll detach if I don't maintain that. Heh. Bit black and white I guess but that's who I am what to do.

But yes, I'm not looking to be deceptive or entertain someone who is. 

I think the weird anxieties I felt were primarily due to that over the last couple of years. It's always like hey take a leap of faith but in reality just be in the dark. I don't like that. But anyway, ever since I decided to let go and just enjoy myself, all of it just dissipated more or less. The downside I suppose is that the person can start to matter less but what can you do. Equations are maintained on both sides not just my job. So that's their call. Time to take it easy. So that's cool. Screw the rest, just do your best. Hehe. 

Lool

Do I look like a nerd or what lmao. I can't even recognise myself. Also cuz holy crap I cannot see a thing in these everything is so blurry. Crazaaayyy

 Strawberries are also in season 🤭💀

Slutty 🙀

It's really amusing to see the entire shtick in action now. Crooning songs, sighing lol. Always pulling the bedroom voice. Maaaan. It's just hilarious how much of a show he does put on. I bet it's also to fuck around with the women there a little bit. 100 percent he has that angle too. I'm sure he looooves that too ahha. Crazy person. Too much of a flirt. But I guess some people enjoy the attention.  Hope he isn't the type that hits on everyone with a female username, that would be so tragically desperate. 💀 But nah, probably not. 

Having said that, he does try very hard with me. To show how he is different. Oh the dichotomy of man. Haha. I guess you can be both. Enjoy attention but also know when to be serious. And I have to give credit where it's due. In some strange ways at times haha, but he does try lots. Sweetly he told me he is travelling and all. Where to, to meet whom nothing haha. I guess he likes being mysterious or is being shady or both. Lmao who knows. Plus I sense that maybe expressing stuff doesn't come easy. I remember that moment where he was turning up his nose at calling someone queen haha. But will absolutely bask in the glory of me giving him fondness thaaaat he won't have an issue with. Lmao. Ass. Guess he doesn't feel safe when he feels like he values someone. That's so weird. But I know he can't verbalise a loooot of stuff. Maybe has something to do with his parents' dynamic. Aiyo. Oh well, he needs to let the past go at some point I guess. That's his call though, his life and his choices. I'm not going to poke at something that's potentially a hurtful memory for him. Noone should make you feel like someone is prying at your life when you aren't open to discussing it. Hmmm. Sometimes I feel like I can connect the dots but I have to be mindful of how these things impact people. Like it's easy for me to see the why behind a lot of this stuff but that doesn't mean it's easy for anyone to deal. Must have been awful for him when it did happen and all that he saw I suppose. Whenever I mention chess parents he never says anything so maybe he had to do it without their support? Idk. Could be. I hope I am right in assuming he isn't a bad person but again, never really had a heart to heart with him so who knows. Impatient me showing a lot of patience and delicate ness here. Well, I am fond of him so I don't mind. If he is a good person I think I'll be a solid presence in his life, of that I'm sure. Or he is just another lame guy who tries to serenade randos lol. Okay that is snark but until I'm sure I won't give credit for this atleast. Say what you will about guys like finegold and levy etc, I've always respected how they don't indulge in this stuff and I guess I value that immensely. I may not agree with a lot of their choices but they've never needed the validation of every other woman or come off as desperate ever, and I like that in men. So I guess that will remain a question mark for now.

~~~

I guess some of this stuff earlier reminded me of A so I found it distasteful. He would see any woman in his vicinity and couldn't help but start to show off. It was so cringe and well... idk saaaaad. Like watching a 30 to drunk it's just pathetic. And everyone even sees how sad it is. Once even ordered the same dish as the one at the next table all while being loud and wanting attention while I was with him. Men like this never realise how clown like they look to everyone but themselves when they start to peacock for women. And A used to get jealous if some other guy made me laugh, always keeping an eye on where I was and with whom. All girls like me and want me, I don't want any, I'll start acting superior when they like me cuz I'm above them all. That was A in a nutshell. Well, ignorance is bliss and people who jack off to a picture of themselves really need to preserve that ignorance. Almost self preservation in their case. Oh well, maybe most guys are just like this who knows. Even this guy's friend does the same stuff. Talking about nipples and liking one colour over the other etc. His other friend trying to get me to sext him all while being engaged. Bet he also hits on this lady lol. Same stuff to all women haha. Yeah, I suppose this is just how most guys are.🤷‍♀️ Meh. But I do feel bad for women who don't know this is happening to them behind their backs. That would really suck. Oh well. What can you do? Hmm. 

Maybe I also don't relate to all this tbh. I can't imagine wanting to keep getting male attention by doing all this. So I suppose it's something I don't understand. I don't find it to be an ego boost when someone wants me, but I know there are women who do. Lol, I kinda find women like that also lame tbh. And they go to lots of lengths to get it, it's very similar to this actually. Subtly just act cute around the guys haha. Can always spot it in action. But idk, it's nice to be liked I guess but in the end male attention just gets sleazy real quick and I don't like that. I'll be ok for sometime then straight up shoot it down so badly they hate me after hahaa. I just never enjoyed courting randos usually just have to evade them. 

~

Well, one thing my dad never did is cheat on my mom. And that's lovely. I'm genuinely happy about that and my mom would never think of doing anything wrong either. Loved one man her whole life. I will too. I understand what it takes to do so but I'm not afraid of that anymore. And I'm sure I will choose wisely and only someone that's worth loving too. Once read the cute messages between my folks and that made me so happy. All these years and still love each other and send slutty messages to each other. Hehe. That makes me happy. Things that guys like A and imbo will never understand. Men who make you feel cherished and safe are worth their weight in gold, because they are pure gold themselves. Here's to finding real, honest love too. And then be all old and still lust after the same person haha. Take your clothes off baby, gotta have you right here right now. Lol. I'd like that. 

Hehe, and now time to enjoy this cold November 🥶 🥶 🥶 🥶 

 Why is it so collllddddd aaaaaaaa freezingggfffgggg

Guks lost. Interesting. I'm still not sure about his chess tbh. I don't know how to read it. I sense in him a middle aged practical Indian man lol. I know how that particular type is. Solid, pushing, believes in god and want to do their best. That personality type is reassuring. It's a character that's endearing to me. What they may lack in creativity, they make up for in solidity and rigor. I don't place one trait over the other to be honest. Just always hope it doesn't peter out into complacency just as I hope creativity doesn't peter out into frustration. 

These are people whose character type I respect a lot, but never can identify with. I am hyper aware of how different my personality style is from them at times. And yet I would always find it easy to rely on them. I guess there's something very reassuring about someone you can count on. Hehe. Like Far from a madding crowd. That book was a revelation to my childish mind. Slow, stolid, plodding along at its own pace. Yet, when I was done I knew it'll stay with me forever and it has. Always makes me smile when I think about it. Like an unending, long summer's day. Your body gets hot towards 4 pm, you can see the tan by 5. And by 6 it starts cooling off, a slight breeze rustling through, tickling you as it goes by. 

~

I hope he finds his footing. And I hope he does well. I think he is so very young and maybe simply not as good as Ding tbh. But who cares, now that you are there you just gotta try like hell that's all. 

I usually know exactly what to say. But in this moment, I have no words. I guess... I'm overwhelmed by you. 

Hehe. What a sweet dialogue. 

Sometimes it feels like words can be spun into so much beauty. And I don't know if it's a form of escapism or simply a bookmark into the special moments of life. But without words, without beauty, without the promise of hope. Life would be so dreary? Unbearable, perchance. It's not even about living with your head in the clouds, it's simply knowing that despite all the frustrations, there is joy that can be found. 

On that nice note, I should try to get some sleep. 

Greyscale

On a cold winter morning, in a place far far away. Think of me and play: 

Kessoncoda 

I love the small soft beats in every song. The minute elements that complement the whole. I imagine them spinning on spot, all happy. 

And if it's nice, you can play me thrice.

Heh...all this stuff from 2022. Coming back and revisiting all of these. Portico Quartet, Mammal Hands, Gogo Penguin. So lovely. Hehe. 2022, 2023... Defined by jazz. Years I started feeling alive. Loved it. ♥️

Starless

KC ballads omg. People who love music and haven't heard of King Crimson don't really love music. 

Sunshine and open roads. Is there anything better?

Let's goooooooooooooooo

Ugh. I am soooo enthralled by the idea of posing all intellectual style with that book now hahahaha. Shit. Hmmmm. Should I?

Edit: fuck it did it hahahahahha

~~~~~

Would you look at that? Heh. 

Need a pair of glasses to really sell it. Haha. Still, preserving my modesty. Speaks to my vanity that I prefer the natural colour ones more to the filter haha. 💀

~~~~~

Happy 3k I suppose. Cheers! 🍻 

Mirror

From Sept 23, 2007

Aimed at noone in particular, just a figment of my imagination of the person I one day feel comfortable with. Enveloped within this piece are insights into my wants, desires, and fears. And my love for stubbles and beards that tickle against my skin, making me keenly aware of you as a man. Feeling close has always been very sensorial for me. I guess I'm very earthy that way. 

I remember this blog was titled Mirror, and served as a blank slate for my teenage self to express herself. Hehe. I expect to find childishness within my archives, but I'm actually surprised by how simply I could state exactly what I felt. Even now, I remember writing this at the time, trying to conjure up my vision of safety. I guess I've strived to make that vision clear almost half my life. That vision is always centred around music, it's a part of my soul that can never be separate. Hehe. I like that. The one constant companion that will always love me, show me grace, and make me happy I can experience the joy of partaking in its beauty. Well, I was poetic but why not? And so we dance. 

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, 

Who is the fairest amongst us all?"

"Me", I says to the mirror, for you see mirrors can't talk at all.

"Stumble I might, and at times I may fall. 

But I do my utmost to be fair, towards one and all"

Ps- In retrospect, I'm glad this wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, for it leaves the door open to the magic of possibility. Hehe. 

I know now that fears are simply momentary. And that they should not be given undue importance, but simply experienced as an insight into what your heart desires. A lot of mine might have been a bit too exaggerated in my literary quest to adorn them with just the right flavour, and that works well for fiction writing but it doesn't resonate with real life. 

I guess mine simply tell me I wish to keep people safe and happy. That's the bottom line. And I wish to be enveloped in the arms of someone who gets me well and wants me there with him. It's just that simple and sweet. And the beauty of having the next song play, knowing you are enjoying a pleasant moment but the moment isn't make or break or anything heightened, it's just one among a host of others in daily life. Some days we piss each other off, others we are tired, some just get spent doing chores and daily stuff and talking to friends and then we get a small break just with each other. The routine of it all gives it longevity and maybe that's why I have an affinity for solid structures haha. 

When foundations run deep, the house you build stands firm and tall. So may our foundations always run deep. Amen to that. ♥️

Are you?

Well, I have two days to be hahahah. Love it. Don't even know when or why this began but adorbs. 

Moors texting me some shit haha. What was it we used to say about him? 

"He is like an onion. You gotta peel all the layers to find the big fat turd within."

Wow that Ediz kid playing for 6-7 hours now crazy. Love watching him. I'm so happy that the two finds I had in him and Sadler are both total beasts. V cool. Atleast noone can accuse him of cheating kid plays ultra bullet with the same skill lol. Reading about nepo using engine against neimann to see if neimann was cheating lmfao. What crazy fucks. "It's not cheating when I do it" - Nepo. 

Thought I'd atleast say something and saw him trying to serenade some lady on the stream. Lol. With the same lines too. " Oh I'll ban you too". Guess when women are interchangeable the same lines work on them all. Heh. 

Same as I found him I guess. Well, whatever. Nvm.

~

Ok fuck I know I'm the one overreacting in this moment too. I should just let it be. Was about to straight up block him and just disappear. It would be very shitty of me if I do that. Haha well atleast I'm not sending some cheap shot his way. Whatever. If I go around trying to suck juicy cocks we will see how much he likes it. Maybe I should do it. Just meet up with lots of dudes. Should ask him for dating tips like he loves to give. What do guys like in bed these days? Oh please do enlighten me. I'd love to have them bang me however they please. I'll sing them songs also why not. They whole world is doing it why shouldn't I? 🙄🙄🙄. Ok yuck. 

Fucking asshole, hate him to the core. That ballerina chick was also posting Boston so must be outside his house only. And around his bday too lmao. Well, good photography skills for him. Lol. I guess bday wishes were in order that day anyway. Haha. And what did he tell me? "There's only so much I can do. I didn't even have time for family. Woe is me. 😢". I should seriously just block him and never speak again. Oh sorry what do I mean speak, I was never allowed to speak anyway. Nein, others will overhear. 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️ 

But blah. Accepting all this nonsense is tooootally on me. Noone else. I'm also being a dick rn but honestly like if roles were reversed I'd like to see how he would have found it. Yeah well I don't treat people like shit so I guess we won't know. And I know him enough to know he will have some bizzaro reasons for this AND that he is just afraid of some nonsense. For suuuure it'll be some shit like ohhh my work my work what if something spoils it waaaahhhh. All this shady acting but then also wanting to be seen in good light. 🙄 Doesn't show an ounce of maturity so assumes others also won't have it. Figures. Ugh. Now I'm mad again. Lmao. Fuck him. Even though I'm deffo the one being a dick rn. He didn't even do anything this time around I just got mad at that stupid profile. Okay fine this one is kinda on me. 

~

Lol. Shed a solitary tear also yesterday let me keep it for posterity. Vanity is fair and this is kinda hilarious in how dramatic it is also. A disgrace, no less. I have outdone myself. 

Hahaha. Bruh. P - this is legit funny and extreeeeeemely shameful and you should be ashamed but fuck it. Tried to look even more woebegone than I felt because why tf not. Oh well, once in a while I have feels also. Must not pretend otherwise. Decade from now I shall see this and laugh. 

Pin of shame. 💀😬♥️

~~

Hmmm. It's not that I don't trust him though. I kinda do. I know he can be juvenile, I also know he can be a maaaasssive dick and he likes to show off and be seen and all of that. But I also know he has his own set of values and fears. And I know we are close. Pretty sure he trusts me, he wouldn't have told me about family dynamics etc if he didn't. Guess the bottom line is that I find it frustrating to be held at some arms length when I sense all this and I just feel like wtf are you even afraid of going wrong anymore, we know each other well enough now. Cuz I haaaaaaate feeling unimportant that's one of my deal breakers and everytime I feel that way, I feel like fuck it I should bail and gtfo and then it becomes a weird push pull cycle. Hmmm. I learn my lesson with AK. Sometimes you feel like you have all the time in the world but you never really know how much of it you have and it feels like a waste of life if you are only waiting for someone to do right by you. Idk. Oh well. In the end I'll only stick around someone who does, I'm not going to hold space for those who don't. That's all there is to it. Aaaa. Fuck it man. He wants to lose me then so be it, if he thinks someone else isn't going to stride along and be nice then he is also mistaken. I have a lot of patience but I'm not won over and I simply won't be until I'm comfortable and valued that's all there is to it. I don't have a need to admire someone I have a desire to simply feel like I'm valued. All this cuz he couldn't say hi lol. Well, that's his mistake idc. And I will never ask again he can rectify it or not idc I'll just leave if I feel like it. 

Heh. I have to admit though. All my life I never wanted to make an effort for anyone else, cuz I always had something holding me back. Plus stuff always came easy. And as luck would have it, the one time I do actually want to and make an effort it's for someone as difficult as him. Plus mostly I'm outraged at the principle of it all. What's the fucking harm in knowing each other properly even god. So stupid this is.  Lmfao. Oh well. Paying back for all my sins huh. Haha. Nice. Well, gotta learn to make an effort sometime in life. I have to applaud the delicious way this has come about. Universe holding up a benign finger. Well, I shall flip you off too, universe-o. 

Lovingly, ofc. 🎩

Funny how deal breakers evolve over life to include new ones and sometimes outgrow old ones. My one rigid deal breaker always was cheating and that remains. But I find myself realising that even in day to day life, I need to feel like I'm of importance to the person and have that surety as a given. To feel at ease. I've never had to outline this before. But I guess when you are around selfish folks you realise how important it is to feel cared for in small ways. Heh. Such a little thing and it's so easy. Anyway blah. I've outgrown dysfunctional dynamics now and I don't really care for them or people who propagate them tbh. Either meet me at an even level or fuck it. I'm not willing to make an effort for someone who doesn't make one for me any more. 

All they do is simply pretend to be nice just enough so you stick around, but it's my own fault for choosing to delude myself here too. When bored, simply ignore me for other women then when nothing else to do show up again right? Lol. 

J really did a number on me. Kept telling me he needs me, used me as a crutch for his dad's cancer then thought nothing of shattering me for other women. Since then, I just decided to keep to myself and for the most part I did. And now, seeing someone else do this kinda shitty thing to me just feels so wrong. I am fully at fault for not walking away sooner too. But in the end it's always bothered me how belittling it's been for me. Following so many random women who keep popping up on my profile but never thinking to value me at all. Telling me personal life is personal like I'm some enemy then prying into mine almost daily for close to two years. Maybe it's to seek validation maybe it's cuz it's flattering to think look look I have this girl on a hook while simultaneously sleeping with a bunch of others. Never wishing on birthdays, never bothering with death of family members never bothering with literally anything from top to bottom nothing left unturned. From the smallest to the biggest thing and then calling me a ' friend '. Lmao. 

I can't seem to stop crying rn because not only has this person hurt me so much but I suppose acknowledging all this outright means I also need to put an end to it and that means distancing for good. And that's never easy when you do give a shit about someone. But I suppose that's a weakness of character I have. I find it hard to prioritise myself even when I should. 

Oh fuck dude. Well it's okay. Cry today, cry tomo if you must but then do what is necessary and look out for yourself. It not okay to care about someone who didn't so much as bother talking to you. It was always underlined to you directly... "you aren't important, not worth speaking to, not worth asking about and I'm being clear about that." Someone you gave your number to when they were in distress, just so they'd know you trust them. And instead they are "uncomfortable " with the idea of saying hi and having you wish them on bday among other things. Because idk you are brown? Lol. Who knows? Could be anything. Does it matter? Nah. Matters that they thought it's okay to treat you like that repeatedly. Telling me they were poor, homeless and all that. Something I never judged them for, all I felt in those moments was concern. Then suddenly saying no grandad had money. It's always just random lies. Ones that actually never made a difference to me, cuz I don't care either way. But in turn to be seen as someone that they are uncomfortable knowing is such an insult. So maybe remind yourself of that everytime of this and just write him off as well. If someone can be so belittling then staying in that equation simply means you are belittling yourself. True. I guess I was. And I want to be treated with consideration and respect. That won't happen if I myself cater to people who don't. So I suppose it's best to accept that it won't happen here and make room for those who might. Well, I guess this is goodbye. And if you do read this someday then ok. All I wanted was to be treated with respect and niceness, same as I tried to bring to your life. The person whose life you pried into and tried so hard to keep around for god knows what reason, but simply couldn't be bothered to actually treat well. Guess it was not to be. But I do believe I deserve to be treated well. Even if you think otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Well, atleast saving you the trouble of saying goodbye. Plus now you don't have to hide my voice from other women or get them to hide from me on insta. Lol. Nice, right? :)  God speed. 

Eff it. Worked out incessantly and now I feel good. Muhahaha. It's the one cure for all the blues. Booyeah

Sadler is SO CUTE. Explaining how his dessert was. So adorable. Haha. Like a total grandpa.  Sometimes I wish I had a grandad like him. I love the idea of having an old, clever person to look up to and who could have interesting things to share and hobbies that they could explain to you. Hehe. I guess it was not to be. 

 Kasparov Ivanchuk '94

The one move I think of and it's the move Kasparov makes here and it's the losing move. ♥️ Absolutely goated I love it. 

Loving Ivanchuk though what a playa. So much to discover in chess woohoo.

Talking to bro and man 3 hours just flew by Such fun. ♥️ I miss intelligent conversations so fucking much.

Knight Bishop checkmate

WHY ARE YOU SO FASCINATING? 

~

Finally learnt it. That was fun. Whew. Geometry ♥️

Summer rolls! Finally learnt how to make them! 

One must simply come through for ourselves. ♥️

I think he just blocked me on lichess and then unblocked me after a bit. Bruh. 💀💀 Wondered why username wasn't showing up and then it did hours later. Then wondered why tf would someone do that and realised ohhhh. Because I didn't say outright positive stuff and instead commented on ball direction so he would interpret it as me saying other person doing well and not him? 💀 Lmao I hope it was just a glitch and not something this petty. Except it's weird asf cuz all other accounts showing up.💀 

~ 

It's a testament to how many vengeful and petty things people have subjected me to over the years that I've even started noticing all this.

~

Whatever. I gots periods and if this is actually true then it's very disturbingly vicious. It's really bizarre if someone is so vindictive tbh. Lol flashbacks to A and her blocking me over Ed Sheeran lyrics.

~ 

A little TLC during periods would have been nice but here we are. I gives up. Resigns. 🙅‍♀️

~

Who knew stupid ass apricot seeds are poisonous? Why are they even sold without a warning label? How tf do they sell potentially lethal goods as "dry fruits"?  Ugh. Pretty sure that's why my periods are early and I'm irritated asf for no reason. And fuck periods also zomg. Ugh. Aaaaaaaa. * Screeching into the void*

I hate PMS

I feel lately M has gotten a lot more snappy and kinda rude and I can't help but wonder if it's the after effects of dating C. It's really hard for me to be around him, given his propensity to mansplain every tiny little thing in the universe to her and to me whenever I'm around them. So it's super hard to understand what she sees in him or how she deals. But it feels as if she kinda has started to randomly take it out on me and I don't like it. Not sure how to put that point across but it's just getting on my nerves. Plus the constant negativity and propensity to taunt is also very irritating and it's getting harder for me to not snap back. That line about other M today really irritated me tbh. Maybe I should just stay away for a bit. 

Lol. Well, this does probably stem from C, atleast a lot of it. "Rain doesn't fall sideways." 🙄 To be honest, I hate the way he speaks to her. It's always talking down to her and acting like he knows everything and she is some child that needs his guidance as opposed to a grown woman whose opinion he values. It's so disrespectful dude. Ugh. 

And so sad that she feels like this is okay.  Sometimes I'm just sad that people get so stuck in their lives. They tell others not to make this mistake but then go ahead and do it themselves. That entire day I could see she was tolerating what he said and ignoring a bunch of things about him. It's funny that she never took it as a red flag that all his friends are very docile. It's simply a sign that people with an opinion and personality don't want to be around him. Lol. Maybe I'm also kinda fed up with this dynamic. Probably best to take a break and reconfigure. Hopefully just a passing stressful period. 

Sheesh I'm just so fucking pissed about this and with her to be honest. I do not want to be some punching bag for someone who can't even clearly see her own issues with him and will instead look to project it on me. Gah. 

~

I truly don't know how to rationalize all this currently. I don't want to damage my friendship. I guess that's the bottom line. Funny that the person who keeps saying let goo let gooo doesn't actually realise how many times I do let go without telling her cuz I don't want to be hurtful. 🙄 Ironies of life. 17 years of knowing someone, through their breaks ups and divorce and what not and I have never once ranted out this much. Enter one irritating guy and here we are lol.

~~

MOFO MY PERIODS ARE ARRIVING NO WONDER IM SO FUCKING ANNOYED 😠 

~~

Everytime I am irrationally irritated it's because of this. Fuck. And now my stomach is cramping and I can't work out. Having this much pms after a loooong time damn. 

Reading about the Japanese politician saying forcefully remove uterus at 30 to incentivize women to give birth is making me sick to my stomach. I feel afraid of just being a woman now. The fact that even to get headlines people can just say these things is so utterly fucked up. 

I feel scared being a woman in this world. Fuck.

Good Will Hunting

Watching Goodwill Hunting haha. Dammit I love this movie so fucking much. My lifelong love affair with Matt Damon and annoying asf men hahahha.

" He pushes people away before they get a chance to leave him."

" Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there " 

~

Funny. When I saw it first, I was a child. I hated the fields medal dude and I got completely what Sean meant when he said it was my choice to not pursue this you mathematical dick. Haha. I think that's the loneliness that comes out of the choice of picking the ordinary route. People who expect you to be extraordinary never fucking get it. And therein lies their insecurity. I do disagree with Sean a little bit now though. I guess maybe he simply didn't love math as much, even though he was great at it. So tis okay. No regrets there. But he was a great psychologist. The only one able to tackle genius. And therein lay his true calling. Heh. 

~

"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either." 

Heh... But that is precisely why it's beautiful. There is zero beauty in perfection. It's the imperfections that make the moments of alignment soooo much more meaningful. 

And dammit now he is crying and I feel weepy tooooo. Aaaaa. Dammit that stupid scene just gets to me every fucking time. 💀

Nvm vision blurry now too many tears. 😭

~~

This movie made me realise how my idea of someone who loves me was in some way about him being happy and grateful to have found me and built a life with me. Atleast that's how I envisioned it now but never did I think it was about saving someone like Will, even though it seems a tad bit like that. I don't want someone to ever be indebted to me in any way or have had to go through bad times or anything. I just want them to be happy they found me, that's all. And that our life together while being silly, irreverent and fun, has a deeper, rooted connection where we are both grateful and happy to be with each other. Heh. Nothing fancy, just a bond that is enduring and wholesome. We should be able to talk affectionately and positively about each other both when noone is looking or when everyone is looking. I'd like that. 

Sometimes intuition just says something to me so strongly and I don't quite know if it's something I should trust or not. Idk. Esp if I think someone is either mad at me or I'm picking up on some negative vibes. Feels really strange. 

~~

Ugh see I knew something is up. I know he is mad about something or someeething is up. Randomly playing 1+0 also and being quiet definitely pissy about something. And now if I ask it'll be some oh no ofc not kinda stuff. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 Child. Chiiild. Haha. FINE. he wants to act like a 7yo I'll fucking act like a 6 yo then no worries. Ushering in an era of stability my ass he won't...will just be a baby. Haha. But who knows maybe someone said something and he is pissy about it. 

Fine lmc I also won't ask anything now. I want to but I can't ask cuz 100 percent he will give me more grief if I do lol. I'll just wait for him to cool off just in case there is something. 

What a nice day. It was sunny, went out, met M, have her the Ramsay book I had been looking forward to gifting and my cheese haha. Omg. Checked out sports stuff, coffee, made a complete day of it. Saw C also, sometimes I don't like the way he speaks to her. I can see she also gets offended by it. Hmmm. She has been a bit touchy around me also lately and I feel maybe it's because of him being so overbearing that she feels like noone listens to her point? Idk. I dislike the incessant need he has to be the person who knows the most in any situation. Even when he doesn't lol. Idk. I would find it exhausting to be around him, I already do even on short visits. Strange no. I get that everyone has insecurities but sometimes I'm very stunned by how much it distorts someone's behaviour. Statements like " you don't know anything " in that giving a speech tone is quite offensive. Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder how much compromise is too much compromise on a relationship. Oh well. I wonder what compromises I am capable of. Like it's easier to know what you can't compromise on at times. But people always put up with strange things without realising it. It struck me the other day when other M also said H disrespected his family and he followed that with... But they don't know family dynamics. I didn't ask him the dynamics but my mind right in that moment was like hey hey it doesn't matter what the dynamics are, who tf is that guy to speak about it.  Even if everything is top notch, doesn't mean someone has the right to talk about fam. These people have no respect for anything. I remember him saying shit about A's brother also and that too was sooooo shitty. Cunt he is. Hell, even in godfather, noone talked smack of fams. Maybe it's also an Indian thing in a way. For us, culturally there is a sort of reverence with which people have been taught to view fams so insulting parents etc is seen as inappropriate in the extreme. Well, that's actually a good thing. Maybe that's why my first instinct was to get flared up right when I read that statement. And H has a Sri Lankan dad, plus his own culture stresses on family values so he should know better than to behave this way like wtf.  Hmmm. I'm sure it's a hurtful topic for M though, inside inside he is so sensitive so I'm sure he feels it a lot even if he doesn't say it. Probably doesn't say it because it's so sensitive to him. Damn. :( Didn't think of it that way till now. I didn't want to ask also, these things are so personal it feels like prying. Best to let people share what they please. I guess support can always be silent and solid, atleast that's my view of it. Oh well, nothing so bad that it can't be either fixed or atleast dealt with in some way. It'll be fine. 

I see C also hitting some sensitive spots in M and idk how long she allows for it. I guess forever. But then I suppose he makes up for it in different ways. Relationships hinge on trade-offs that help you feel secure. That matters most. Rest is okay. 

You live, you learn. 

😭😭😭😭😭

 I am SO EXCITED!!

Chiseler

 😂😂 And this is how I imagine that boy fuck. Hahahahha aaaaahhh no wonder I'm soooo fond. I just see the same angsty cute person in him with a tiger hahahahha. 

Secret Garden

My worldview has been shaped less by experience and more by the great writers of the past. Who I am, the morality I cling to, the things I hold dear... Somehow they are all linked to the stuff I read and resonated with. I seek beauty in living, in interactions because that's how the childrens' authors I read made life beautiful. A sprinkling of magic, of new world's, eyes lighting up with wonder at the thought of " possibility". I loved it then, and I love it now. Innocence, curiousity, bravery and standing up for yourself and against yourself when you are wrong. Like the swing scene in naughtiest girl again. I remember it even now. Wily little Elizabeth. 

'She began to swing again. 'Well, I'm strong!' she sang, as she swung. 'I can change my mind! I can say I'm wrong! Elizabeth Allen, you're not such a poor wrong thing as I thought! Just wait.'

~

This line was so impactful to me as a kid, because I saw myself as her. Ungovernable if I wished to be so. So who better to govern me than me? Rigidly clung to this thought my entire life and I do not regret it. On balance, I believe I have done my best to be fair and to hold my rashness in check. Heh. Quaint. Wait, let me find the entire thing. 

Hahha holy cow this is literally exactly how my thoughts process and personality is even now. 😂💀 For fucks sake. Even this diary is just me battling me a la Elizabeth, always trying to find the best course of action. Bonus points for " John standing up from his hoeing" How I regret adulthood for having fucking spoilt this for me lmfaoooo. 

Heh. This series is so close to my heart I can't believe how simple and yet resonant it is and how muuuuch I identify with Elizabeth. Checkmate Dostoevsky. Suck a dick. 

~

From this book series to Invictus, it has been a journey! Littered with many milestones, many lessons, a lot of understanding. I am glad. And I am glad that I don't succumb to temptations once I decide on austerity and choose a path. In whichever zone that be. Life, work, relationships, fitness. Maybe my reluctance to commit to stuff also stems from knowing that I will rigidly follow through once I say ok I'll do it. But meh. There are less and less things I'm afraid to commit to now. Cuz I want to follow through. That's nice. And about time haha. I guess the root of fear has always been the idea of being powerless but once you recognise that you can trust yourself to make the right decisions, fear fucking evaporates. I do hold fear in some affection too, because it is an indication of my greatest desires as well. I know exactly what I want when I feel the most afraid because I know in that moment that the opposite of it is where my heart lies. It's a good way to know yourself. Painful, maybe. But hindsight is 20/20. 

~ 

Spending time by my bookshelf has always been meditative. I'm so glad I love libraries. It doesn't need to be fancy, in fact the more dreary and dilapidated and old world it is, the better it feels. 

♥️

Hmm

I noticed the thing I notice everytime. Lol. But just this once, I'm going to not ascribe any ill intent or withdraw or be weird. Heh. Temperance but also trust. Hopefully, it's the right choice. I haven't said it openly but I do appreciate all the effort that he seems to be putting in these days. It's like he just decided to do it and followed through. And I feel glad about that. If it's genuine, then I guess it'll last and that would be good for both. 

Heh... Imagine ushering in an era of stability and normalcy. Haha. Can it be done? 🙀

Seeing the aftermath of the elections has honestly just left such a bad taste. I feel a bit sick and it feels like so much of the world is so hostile to be honest. Idk what this weird unsettled feeling is. I just don't know. I never thought I'd see a time where a first world country just bans abortion and so many people hating on women. It's so visceral in its essence. Feels so talibanish dude. There is no other way to even put it. And I'm so sick of all of it. All these bigot ideologies, all these people spouting religious nonsense just to cap other peoples' rights when they don't have an iota of actual belief or love in them for god or anyone else. It's just a shroud of morality to try and mask their true evil nature. 

Thinking of unsubscribing from all the news esp reddit cuz it's so filled with doomsday and every second day I read about how badly people treat each other, it's just too much. 

When did people even get so broken man? Like when? 

Like whatever happened to just being nice to each other, taking care of each other, friendship, family values, some semblance of a community where you can be supportive. Noone even mentions things like these now. Just random silos and subsequent unhappiness. No wonder so many genz people specially are so adrift. Women selling their bodies on onlyfans, men viewing them as opportunists, then complaining about not having someone love them. Wtf even went wrong with the world? 

~

Ugh. I am such a lucky and fortunate person, truly. I have a good life, a good support system, and I realise how much fucking freedom I have to do anything I want, that I'm respected, cared for and noone has ever tried to ever strip me of my dignity. I can't believe I'm grateful for this but yes I am.  I am truly grateful. Lol barring one person who actually did make me feel like...ok nvm. Fuck it. 

~

And yes. The thing I see that's vastly missing is just respect. I guess that's why men who don't respect women scare me. They damage you emotionally and sometimes physically and they juuuust don't care. 

I hope no matter what and who I'm with and around, respect is never something that's compromised. And I promise myself this one thing - if I ever feel like my dignity or my self respect is being compromised by any situation - I will not hesitate to leave it. A life of indignity is not a life I will lead. And I hope and pray from the bottom of my heart that I never ever have to feel that way. 

~

Even now, I don't have some egregious demands of life. But it should not be like I have to constantly feel like I have to defend myself or ask for care or any of that. I just want simplicity. And I'm gonna build up my net worth and then just fuck off to some far off corner to live peacefully haha. That's just what I want. A simple life. 

Stupid ass mittelschmerz ugh. Pain during periods now pain during ovulation also. 🙄

Elections

Today has been a shitty day of reading such godawful news. Why does the world hate women so much? For a country that claims to have freedom as its core value how tf can people want to come up with ways to ban contraception and abortion like how is it any of your business what a woman does with her body. Where is the freedom in all this? What a fucking nightmarish reality it seems like. Feel so bad for people having to live this fuuuuck. :( I honestly feel like anyone who identifies as blue should really ask why tf their party let them down this badly like wtf how can they have been this incompetent. Completely their fault for not having a good candidate how hard is it so just get some old dude to contest instead of a person that came last in the primaries that noone liked from the beginning. Shit man. Never ever did I think I'd see such things in my lifetime. I feel bad for M also, god he seemed soooo disturbed by this. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to him and his circle. Damn man. Horrible. :( 

I feel little sick. :(

~

Washington post subscribers leaving in protest. Good. Fuck whatever happened to free media man. What the fuck. I thought the worst was seeing adani just take over ndtv. I remember how gutted I felt that day and basically just unsubscribed from all news providers. Adrift in the sea of random rage bait posts to navigate and it was still preferable to shit news. If there is one thing the world needs it's an unbiased fucking media that juuuust reports facts. However boring, however small but juuust facts no crazy shouting doomsday for eyeballs juuust facts. Aaargh. Fuck if I were a billionaire like Bezos I'd actually be doing that not the shit he pulled. 

~

There's way too much hate in this world. And weak people feel the need to capitalise on it. It's the same. Like he also said all those people who come by to be nasty to him, all those guys are soooooo filled with jealousy. They want to be around him but at the same time they want him to do badly so they can feel good about themselves. It used to feel so sick. A lot of them made me feel sick even his friend who told me to hit him up if I want to be impregnated like who tf even talks like that. And he had no right and it was so snakish to try and seduce me knowing that he is friends with M. Told me he is okay being a side piece. Sorry buddy, I don't actually have a need to use people and make them my side pieces, I am a one man woman strictly and I will never belong to multiple men ever. It was outrageous that someone thought I would be I never even flirt when I'm not interested and it's not like I can't. Whatever. Irony of always trying to do right by others and having them use that as a loophole. Aaaa and that impregnate statement good god I have never once in my life heard something so violating now I want to yell at M also for not warning me. He should have told me who not to speak to. 🙄

Ugh... I'm just so mad at everything. 

What I deleted

Idk if you read this at some point but I had an addendum to levy and danya text that I wrote then deleted. About how I was so naive to believe in their respective bs. And made me think of how naive I can generally be when it comes to me. I hope if I am wrong about you then it's only cuz you are nicer than I've given you credit for. And that you know I found it appalling that you must have thought I view you with a very critical lens. Which I do for my own safety and I won't pretend like I'm fully on board trusting you at the moment either but that's more my cautious nature. And I'm arrogant enough to question why tf it is taking you so long to trust me cuz lol I'm pretty fantastic when it comes to all the good things like reliability. It's not even double standards haha. But seriously speaking I'm cautious because I just don't want to make a mistake cuz I want a normal happy life. I don't care much about a lot of stuff but I'm determined to live in an authentic way and part of that is having people around who also want the best for me. Like I don't care if you have an encyclopaedic knowledge of cheese, when I share I made it it's just for fun and I'd like to hear ooo nice 🙂. Basic stuff like that goes a long way in showing appreciation and you don't exactly have to know a whole lot for all that idgaf and I've never really given a fuck about how much anyone knows, just how they make me feel. I feel like this is a lesson you haven't yet learnt, you seem to view everything as elo gain in life but for me life and people are in a circle not a hierarchy and being in the circle means you are trusted. It's not your abilities that get you there, it's just actions and how you treat someone. Aka you could be 600 elo and I'd pick you over all others as long as you nice to me. And you can be 3000 and I'll boot if you not. Haha. 

Anyway blah. Here's hoping things remain happy, stable and also fun. And that you aren't an ass. I mean you are an ass, god knows you are troublesome asf at times, but hopefully not an ass when it counts that's all. Those times be nice. 🖕🎃🖕

Care about you despite it all I guess. Ugh. 🙄 This eyeroll is for me. 

Here's also hoping I can read this post years from now and actually smile at it with affection and ease. Hehe, that would be so nice. Will show you also at that time. 

Cracked 2100 on puzzles. Wow. That wasn't easy for me took a day and a half. Hmm. Learnt something though, so that's good. Chess is so damn deep. 

Edit: oo I'm going beyond 2150 now. That's nice. Took a lot of time for sure. 2 whole days. 

Played puzzles a shit ton today. Interesting. So when not thinking I can drop to 1800 like my rating and when thinking I'm around 2070-2080. So when I get to 2070 I gotta slow down and refute all lines before I play. Hmmm. Haven't been able to break 2100 in these lately. Except now I want to. It's high time I break into the 2000s in all time controls. Okay I look forward to it. Hehe. Let me cut out mindless playing from today. Wanna get this done before the year ends.

Also brain suddenly zones out after 3-4 hours. That's also pretty shit. God I miss being young and feeling refreshed after 8 hours of concentration. Heh. 

Sometimes it's just annoying to deal with people who are simultaneously incorrect and dug in. Like sheesh. 🙄

~

Think I'm starting to miss having deep conversations. I genuinely miss that, and discussing ideas and just generally being engaged in a flow of something nice. 

With the introduction of trust, possessiveness turns to ease. :)

What a wonderful feeling it is. Like a gentle breeze ruffling through a meadow. ♥️

~ 

Space Oddity

Watching some 2400s play rapid and I'm always shocked at how they blunder simple tactical things like if you take a piece that's guarding another. I feel like most games are just a matter of one blunder, which is egregious. Rarely do I see anything that's free of them and positional I guess. It's interesting though. And frustrating to be honest. To watch someone just make the mistake you preempt it's haha idk. But maybe that's chess. If you love precision anyone being imprecise can be annoying. I bet games like the ones I would play would also irritate the crap out of higher rated players. Hahah. Oh well fuck em. 🖕🖕I get why M also must be annoyed by A when he is passive cuz he is like aahhh just get in the field don't be lazy calculateeee. Hahaha. If he got annoyed by me I actually wouldn't care I'd probably get all dug in and want to prove him wrong or some shit. Bite off way more than I can chew but when it comes down to it idc I'll still fight and there are some things that are best left untested haha. It also takes trust I suppose. To trust that even if they being mean on the surface they actually want the best for you so you allow for them to shape you in some way. If I give him my trust it'll be forever so I won't for now. That much power should only be with someone who wants the best for you. I'm not yet convinced of that so nyat. I shall not bestow mine on him. 🎃

Actually really enjoyed analysing one game too. Wanted to see if I can spot what's a critical error and I could damn. It felt so damn good. Checked with engine and it jumped from -0.5 to +4 ish right there. I think it's the first time I've actually tried to do it this way and just enjoyed it so much. Naro was right, there are just worlds within one position and it's so easy to get lost in it. It's scary how enticing it can be too, you can spend hours in it. "Chess is beautiful enough to waste your life for." ~ Hans Ree. I kinda agree. Not all of it, but I can see how it can be alluring. 

Saw some yt clips and as usual the drama came in recos. Was kinda surprising to hear Naroditsky say he didn't take on krammers because Kramms is high rated. Didn't expect that. I thought it was simply a matter of principle like randomly this dude annoying me why should I reward him with a match. Lol. He is also following his own dostoevsky arc a la Ivan Karamazov. People are so weird they fascinate the fuck out of me at times. Even when I view him I'm thinking to myself hey what would be the best way to deal with this etc. Deffo not wha he is doing, just coming undone. I can't seem to help but speculate on what's the right thing to do in all of this. Still, never occurred to me that he simply didn't want a match cuz he knows krammers is v strong. And yet he is spending time in yt comments now. It's pretty sad. But yeah that thing M said about retirement being tough lolol. Sooooo cute man. Aaaaa. Just melted at the thought of some sad dude not feeling good about people not respecting him. Then realised wow am I easy to sympathy scam or what. Feeling bad despite the unhingery he displayed while Ivan dearest is not able to eat or sleep. Ahhahahah. Why are they all so crazy? Istg in normal life noone will have the patience or the mood to deal with these nutters and yet collectively the chess world just makes room for insane oddities. 

Am I odd too? Hahaha. Not yet anyway. I can straddle the normie world well but maybe inside me is also an impulsive non conformist that wants to peek out from time to time. Such a pretty way to describe it, but why the fuck not. 🤭

Bonus: 

Ahahahhahaha. Ommggg. Such a grouchy twatty man but fuck, he does have a way with words. Hahahhaha. Stupid ass chess world just people being petty and cunty for no reason and yet it's just so idk. I DONT KNOWWWW. 🤣♥️

Made a wish this diwali lol. Not sure if you make wishes on diwali but oh well. Lately, I just feel like the gravity of life has kind of settled in. I'm more aware of people and finiteness. Maybe it has something to do with granny and viewing everyone at home but I just feel so completely concerned about everyone. All the time lol. Like scolding brother for speeding, dad for doing his dumbassery, mom for walking on the roadside lol. Heh. I just want to keep everyone happy and safe and sometimes I feel like being controlling in my urge to just get everyone to not make mistakes but why tf have I become everyone's parent lmfao. Well, idc everyone better listen to me and not do bs. Haha. Fuck...it sometimes really feels like you have to not let anyone be wayward.  Oh well, god bless.