My sleep schedule is soooo fucked rn. Look so haggard too. Man. Terrible. Idk what's up with me this week... I seem to be completely out of sorts. Dayum post bday blues is it? It just feels like time is running away from me. Very strange and sluggish. Like a zombie. Idk what to do to feel better. Ironically a phrase I remember which had made me so angry lol. Path is littered with shitty memories huh? Heh. Avoid at all costs.

Ugh. I don't know what to do to fix this. 

I guess it's just a bad strategy to just see life as split milk lol. Split milk makes cheese first of all, so it isn't all bad. But secondly, I think part of self care should be that. To have an optimistic outlook that comprises of many parts that make up the whole. I have denied myself that care for a very long time I suppose. Maybe it was a bit of a scarcity mindset. Compounded by being around people who reinforced it in their actions. It's hard when something nasty is reflected back at you and you keep framing that as evidence of its all encompassing permanence. 

But anyway, I'm not spending my life in that perpetual dance of trying to squeeze out relevance or affirmation. I guess I was kinda locked into that battle in a way. Constantly weighing stuff to see if it fits or not. Hmmm. Well, if you have to do that then the answer is no it doesn't. And there's no harm or foul in that. It just is. 

I want simple things, I always have. Even today, I do not look for avenues for materialism it's more... Hey look someone is doing something cool, solving some nice problem can I be a part of that? I want to be around things and people that add to my life in that meaningful way. 

I'd lost sight of my inner nerd. Haha. I should do better for myself. And choose myself. Don't go down roads that leave you feeling spent, used and empty. Noone is that special, or unique or anything else... That they can justify making you feel that way. I don't want to tabulate exactly how less special someone is yada yada cuz that goes into the territory of spitefulness. But yes, a tennis clip is not of more importance than a grieving person. As a functional adult you should know that. Neither is online gaming. Nor are you sooooo special that someone wants into your life despite your protestations. I knocked on the door fair and square, I didn't worm my way in like he did, behind my back and hidden from sight. That's the difference between us. I don't backstab. But I will forgive it all if he ever actually chooses to genuinely apologise. Haha. That would be a task and how. I don't think he would be able to do it, given his track record. But let's see.

It's been a month and a half almost since I gave up speaking and well, I never heard anything either. So I bring it to a close because this is not what I want for myself or the kinda presence that I wish to nurture in my life. I will make room hereonout for genuineness, and an honest attempt at that. With that, I discard all the negativity and burdensomeness I felt this past three years. Holy heck. 3 years of my life he took. And not a single... How are you doing? Hahah. Wow. I really did settle for rock bottom eh? Heh. 

Banish ye meanness, I have no room for it no more!!! Heh. But go in peace, and take care. 🕊️✌️

Reading any tiny thing on reddit these days is so depressing. All doom and gloom. I'm tired of so much vitriol and negativity. It feels like all those twitter morons have migrated here lol. Sheesh. Whatever happened to the one social media I actually used to like? 😕

I need a good long holiday I think. 

~

Ok fuck what attacking gameplay daaaaayum leela

https://lichess.org/HHFWTrdH/white 

💀🤯

~

Feeling very tired and dejected. I don't know why. Just. Hopefully just lack of sleep or something idk. Just have an all encompassing feeling of utter defeat lmao. Not to be dramatic but yesssss. Wailingssss

Wow even Fabi playing knight odds. Is this a new trend now? Lol. Everyone just jumps on the wagon one after the other, even though it's been around for so long. That said, brave of him to take it on 3+2. Saw him get absolutely shamed by it. How crazy to make a guy as good at chess as he is just seem like an average Joe. Hmmm. 

I'm also looking forward to making it to 2k in rapid. They haven't even been tough games just so blah tbh. I guess a decent level of play is only 2300 ish upwards. I'm losing ones where I'm barely focusing and not calculating. Not great but also blah idc. 

Yesss I made it to 1973. Still feels okok not a challenge. Good stuff. Hope I don't fuck it up tomo haha. Let's gooooo. Ooo 1978 now. Dayum I'm too hyped lmao. Should stop here. 🛑

~

Ok didn't stop but 1990. Hehe. Highest ever. Dayum. There was a time when I was hard stuck at 1700 like so completely stuck. This feels nice. And still isn't difficult per se so far so that's good. Hope I cross 2k soon. Would feel good to have that. 

Looking at the card brother sent me and I just feel a tad bit overwhelmed. It's just such a sweet gesture. As a family we aren't the kinda that express our feelings out loud. But idk. The fact that someone is being kind rn is making me want to cry a lil bit. I really missed this tbh. Hehe. I guess simple things mean the world to me. I can't help but love people who bring care in my life. I'd much rather have these moments than any fancy gifts or something. 

When I share my stories with bro, he actually cares to read them and give feedback and even Maya did that. She was so nice about it. These are all tiny things people do but they have suuuuch an impact. It feels good. I guess that small act of hers also won me over instantly haha. I hope she is as nice as I think she is. I want all of us to just find our forever peeps and have happy, healthy lives. That's my deepest desire. 

I felt a twinge of sadness this bday because I knew it's the second in a row that our man would choose not to wish. But with that twinge also came the realisation that he is just mean for doing that. 

Well, I will keep this thought at bay for the most part. It hurts me, yes. The knowledge of having been treated so awfully hurts me. I won't deny it. But I think it's best to forget it happened and move forward. I do wholeheartedly wish and pray I never ever meet someone this mean again. I don't want to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse, enough. Because that's what all this amounts to in the end. :( Fuck dude. A single card just brought me to tears because it's one small sweet gesture that made me feel nice after so damn long. Your needs for acknowledgement can't be soooo deep that you can't actually step outside yourself to showcase some decent gestures sorry. Not acceptable at all. It's too pathetic. Can't spend life just wanting someone to look at some tennis there's plenty of people who play well too, like come onnnn. This can't be the only conversation you are capable of. 🙄

That psychologist lady was right yo. With narcissists you'll be so deprived of humanity that a tiny nice gesture starts to look like a godsent lmao. I actually feel bad for all those women who used to come by angry and crying. I get it. I get how much he must have invalidated them and hurt them. Well, I hope they know it's not their faults it's just him who is the problem. Narcissism or cowardice or whatever it may be, it sucks is all. 

~

Hmmm. I wanted to be mad about it but I'm not anymore. I'm just really tired of having to bear the brunt of what honestly still just feels like pure racism. I feel terrible about that. More so cuz he is like one of those yters who pander to Indians to get views. What a con dude. I just hope one day he has a moment of honesty and just realises what a shitty person he is. Spending life playing a board game and just being awful outside of it is so sad tbh. There is zero value in that. If he didn't have the game then who would he be? Is there any value in being that person? People who are the best at this game are a lot nicer. The world is filled with people who work hard and are good at what they do, solve interesting problems and try to do their best. It's not that rare.🤷‍♀️ But if the only thing you are exceptional at is being mean to people...That's not much to write home about. And after alllll this time.. this person couldn't bring themselves to be nice to me on their own even once. Not once. That's a fact. Ugh. Maybe I am a little mad haha... Well, if you pull shit like this in perpetuity who wouldn't be? Pathetic, truly truly pathetic. 

I guess I did genuinely care about him though. I won't lie to myself about that.  Is this really the person your parents raised you to be?  Why tf did I have to come across such a person man. It's sooooooo cowardly to not be able to do anything on his own like just crawling into some hole and hoping it gets better. Or idk go on tinder and rinse and repeat. That too is more likely. That lol was also some useless attempt to pretend like haha joke don't get mad. Whyyyy such lack of spine? 🤯 Soooo much insecurity. Sheesh. 

~

Anyway hard as it may be to forgive, I should. It's time for me to let it go. I don't want to be stuck in a spot where I just have to keep feeling the brunt of it. It's just hard to like... To know someone was racist towards me so repeatedly. That doesn't sit well with me, true. But let us attempt to wipe the slate clean. People who love me, will always choose me so let me allow for that to occur naturally. Heh. After all this also I don't hate him. I'm just simply not willing to be around someone who not only acts like a cheater, but simultaneously isn't able to show any niceness or equality. Keep that shit to yourself.

For now, I'm just gonna look ahead and keep doing things that make me feel productive. I'm sure by the end of this year I'll be where I want to be as well. Looking forward to it. 

~

Deepseek has me very intrigued. Came out of nowhere and is actually going to be such a gamechanger. I find tech monopolies so scary. And I do believe that like medicine, tech too should be almost free, esp the daily use stuff. High Hopes I guess but there will always be people who are altruistic just as there will be scammy ones. Here's hoping altruism wins out in the end. 

Baby bro seeing someone jewish lol. Heh. Of all the news this took me by surprise haha. I'm sooooo happy for himmmmmmm ugh he deserves the besssstttt!! Ugh. I'm sooo damn happy rn. Glad to see him so happy and stable ♥️♥️♥️ and she is awesome toooooo!! Best news ever. Haha all the reading up on Judiasm I did will come in handy woohooo!! I can surprise wish her for all the holidays now! 🤭

Man, it's crazy the coincidences and the places life takes you. Heh. I'm legit happy rn dayum. Best bday gift ever, a happy family member!! 

~

Omg and he also sent flowers while I was talking to him what a sweetie man... Ugh actually managed to do it from cali how niiice! 

And that cute fridge magnet too. Siblings are best!!! Thoughtfulness for the win! ♥️ I feel so nice to. Legit. 

Gonna keep this magnet ♾️ 

And this card ugh. So good. 

♥️♥️♥️ Everyone making such an effort for my bday this time. Damn. Ugh. And it feels so damn nice man. Fuuuuck. I feel like I'd completely lost sight of how good it feels to have people in your corner who care. Hehe. I feel a lil overwhelmed rn, in a really good way. Must not show it!! Haha. 

~

Dammit... I can't believe how awful things felt these past couple of years. Times like these just highlight it, like it's such a normal thing to have people be sweet and happy and kind. Atleast it was my normal. Always, alwaaaays pick people who care and are willing to show it! I promise myself that. I felt so sucky for so long man. I hope that never happens again. Heh. It's okay. If for the better part of three years someone can take all the niceness you lavish on them, but then never once say or do anything nice, even something simple like wishing... then there is something extremely wrong with them. That's all there is to it. They did the same thing last year, came by read about it, and it'll be the same this time. Heh. And treated you badly on theirs too. So like. Just forget it all happened and don't ever think about it again. No more of these caveats going forward either.

Anyway, I won't speak to anyone who isn't nice to me ever again. Should have been buying me flowers and calling me to wish like normal people do lol. Haha idk how many flowers he would need to get me to even make it up to me lmao. 3 years worth of bullshit behaviour equates...? Lmao gardens and gardens.

Anyhooo... Eff it

~

And this cute lil muffin my friend sent haha so adorbs.

Ugh and cheese straws haha. Damn it's so cute I don't want to eat it just so tinnnyyyyy. 

~

Hehe. Today will be fun!!

Bday is here. Hehe. ♥️ 

~

It feels nice.

It feels nice to have small phone calls with wishes, it feels nice to feel harmony and to look forward to meeting some friends and it just feels nice to be light and happy with lots of sunshine and blue skies. Heh. Helps that the city is teeming with flowers now. Man, I used to looooooove this city so much. Why did it change so much? It was absolutely astonishingly lovely back in the day. You could walk around everywhere. I had this naive thought that it would always remain that way. Hmmm. Well. What to do? 

Omg vishy made Sadler rage quit chess hahaha. Daaaaayum. Dude I love this lmao. Just something sooooo relatable about deciding fuck it I'm done haha. Damn cool. I love these random tidbits. 

The garden of forking paths

Hmmm. I get it, but I don't get why it was so celebrated. It's so unfinished in such a idk... It's like a fever dream tbh. But I really do love Borges now, very distinctive work, he really is on the intersection of science and poetry. And yet so male. Heh. Let's try library of Babylon next. 

Wow Benjamin won it. So well done man. Loved it. What a lovely nerdy corner this has turned out to be and I loooove it. Heh. Even thibault was following lol. Something about a gathering of nerds just makes me happy hahah. I guess at my core I'm a total nerd too. What a travesty the world doesn't care at all about these earthly delights. 

I used to have such a good faith take on life earlier. Now I feel a jaded. Heh. Need to be like a duck out of water, just shake shake shake it all off. Hehe. 

A good idea is to wait and see who is genuinely nice to you, and match their energy and effort. I think I'm going to live by this from now. I don't know why I hadn't for so long tbh. Okay well I do know. It's good that feeling is in the past now, and I'm finally choosing to do right by myself. Like eating vegetables haha. At first it feels sucky but then you realise how wholesome it is and how shitty processed food is. Heh. Yeah well... It'll be good in the long run. Plus no reason in the woooorld would be good enough for me to willingly hurt someone I love, let alone withstand knowing I'm the cause of it for someone I care about. Aaand do nothing about it. So why should I ever settle for someone who didn't and doesn't hold me in the same regard? They weren't worth care on my part. Or any consideration, really. Should have said goodbye that first week when they kept snapping at me tbh. Guys who raise their voices at women are never anything but a red flag. Esp when they don't even apologise ever. You don't really want to find how how abusive they might be in the end. What a colossal piece of shit, truly. I have literally no positive thought left for this person. All I wonder is why I ever had any in the first place. My bad. I honestly just believed the whole I'm a child of divorce etc nonsense man. So stupid of me. Complete lies through and through. People like this will try to convince you they treated you badly because it's your fault, like those wife beaters who hit women then say I wouldn't have if you didn't make me. Somehow it'll always be some excuse in lieu of decency. Anyway blah. Idc anymore so all this is moot. 

~

Found some yt chess channel that's actually funny for once too. Made me laugh soooo much. Called a game by anderseen 'the good adolf' like wtf yo. And some clip on neimann which was super funny too. Good humor. I love witty people. The thing I noticed about this is how the personality of the person doesn't override the work they do. I love that. It feels like they are a part of the bit, but it isn't about them alone. Restraint is a key part of being an artist, knowing not to block your own way and honouring work above yourself is something I find meaningful. Speaking of neimann I'm actually finding that he is earning my respect day by day. I used to feel a loooot of empathy for him, but now I feel so much respect too. For such a young guy, to have had such a bad hand of cards dealt... Doing it all by himself and actually breaking into the top ten in the world. That amount of effort is immense and so is the resilience. And for someone so young and who comes across as unlikeable. Hmmm. I guess if he learns to play nice where needed he might be able to turn perception around. He actually does seem to have empathy even though not too articulate about it. Still, who knows. Let's see. I guess I don't particularly care for anyone in this chess world but he definitely is someone I felt empathy towards. My bias against injustice is always at play huh. Well, I believe in redemption and rehabilitation and that people deserve a chance to turn things around. I get the moral dilemmas in not wanting to play nice with people who you think are out to get you as well. I would have haaaated to bend the knee to someone who I felt was doing wrong to me. I wouldn't do it tbh. 

~

Bday in a few days and I'm actually looking forward to it. I have this low key happiness now in general. I hope it only grows and takes good solid root. Well, I shall try to protect it and keep it close. Man, it took a whoooooole world of absolute bad choices to get to this point huh. No worries... Just have to build on it hereonout. 

~

Ooo Sadler commentating knight odds game now. I thought it was for day after. Yaaay I can watch while working out woohoo. Maaaaan. I just really, really feel nice being part of a respectful space. Where people are smart and low key funny but nothing is ever disrespectful.   Haha and my username always makes him laugh cuz it sounds like he is greeting himself lmao. Funz. And so many respectable folks come to hang with him, they all respect him so much.Heyy even Larry Kaufman is there how nice. Love it. Hard to find these spaces on the internet. Nerds are the best man. I really do appreciate it ngl. Always good to learn new stuff. So many genuine and cool people out there. 

Keys for the win man. I think she will do it.

And maaan does she and pegula look like twins 💀💀

Watching no country for old men. Interesting portrayal of Anton Chigurh. Actually feel it's one of the better portrayals of psychopaths. 

Reminds me of ages ago when I wrote about emotions and flowers. I don't recall which year but the crux of it was simply to wonder about this exact problem. In a world with emotions, not having any - would that be a superpower?

Parents' 37th wedding anniversary. Wow man. That's a long time huh. I'm happy for them this time around actually. It feels nice to see them finally just get along well. 

~

And djoko zverev in few hours whoa. I wish djoko the best too haha. 

Omggg Raves has a wedding date holyyyy.

Damn duuuude. I'm so happy for him. ♥️ Ugh..seen him grow up since he was a teeny lil intern who liked music haha. So cool man. I'm so so so happy. Legit. ♥️

Okay this is just fucked up. 💀💀💀 Same search results across the world. This is some serious crazy shit. 23rd Jan. 💀💀💀

Something is absolutely, devastatingly wrong here. Very dyatopian. 

I don't know why but this song is like a half remembered memory.

Chamber of Reflection

I don't know why every single time I hear synthwavy stuff I feel like I'm yearning for something that I juuuuust can't remember. It feels like being in a lawn with small garden lamps across the sides on a sultry summer day. Just a hazy memory with fireflies and a distance yearning. Ugh. I don't get it... I don't get why I love it so damn much. What am I forgetting?

I miss the simplicity of the 90s when I was a small kid and telephones had wires and the adults were off drinking and partying and I could just... I don't know. Hear music, belong, wonder. Something. I don't remember. 

I just might be Dumbledore lmao. I will always be biased towards redemption. It's the one constant in life that always screws me over, and simultaneously one I do not wish to ever get rid of. Yes. I believe in redemption arcs and I refuse to believe that people can't do better. Taking that belief away would be taking away a fundamental part of me. For better or for worse. 

AO was always my second fav, but it's now vying for top spot too. Dayum. Idk why but a slam in Jan just does the trick. My bday is also coming up. I'm not even excited for it lol. But v excited for the finals. They were on bday last year, wish it was the same this time I might have been more excited haha.

~

Djoko is suuuuch a good dad man. I just. Something about a guy that can be caring is soooo lovely to me. You can see how happy the kids are with him as well. Kisses his male kid too. I love that. People like these, who try their best, have resilience but more importantly can show softness and care where they should are absolutely gold. In this regard he is aces in my books. Always about who you are that's the most important. Kids need good fathers. If I ever, everrrr become a mom... It will be because I have a good man by my side. A man that will be protective and kind and with whom I feel safe. The only condition under which I will consider having a kid is that. Otherwise, it's always best not to bring a kid into this world. Heh. I guess this time around a guy would really have to win my heart the right way, I will not repeat any mistakes again. I'd like the most important decision of my life to also be the best one, and invest in a person who will over time grow into a man of character who I can be proud of, respect and love in equal measure. And I hope to feel the same from him and be worthy of it as well. Heh. As always... Nothing fancy, but something solid and long lasting haha. 

Heh. I used to be afraid of commitment. And now I don't see it as a life sentence anymore, rather just as a natural consequence of two people liking each other and wanting to stick around and do their best for each other. It's such a simple truth, but took me half my life to see it. Always good to share a laugh, share a bed and share life's responsibilities with each other. Just have to be willing to learn, grow and forgive when needed haha. Yeah. Forgiveness is very important too. 

~

Oo sadlers doing some commentary a day before my bday. Heh. I think it'll be nice to chill and see. I just want to be low key this year. Gotta meet some friends on actual day but I can take off spend a day by myself on 27th just to enjoy my own company lol.

Catch 22

Where is the world even going man? This is just terrible. Was sickening to watch that gesture. I am speechless... 

Zuck is jewish too, right? Damn dude. Imagine witnessing that irl shit.

~

And now I see this salute and it makes me sick to my stomach because the idea that the world is a lot more fucked up than I ever imagined is looming all too clearly in my mind. I want to keep my distance from any and all toxicity from now. I will not now, not ever engage with someone who isn't respectful to me or neglects to treat me with care, and presents bullshit reasoning to boot. 

~

I am trying to have a good faith take on things lately. But some days it's very hard when you see how much ugliness can and does exist in the world. Having been subjected to what felt like racism these past few years. Realising that it was through no fault of mine, I simply existed and was just nice to a person and they saw fit to hurt me and treat me like shit juuuuust so easily is very eye opening. When I think about it, all I did was be nice. And yet this person chooses to be around people who use words like holes, people who insult women old enough to be our mothers, people who just go around saying the most vile, unhinged stuff to women streamers all because they can hide and do so. These are the people that don't make him uncomfortable at all. Lol. I guess he must be exactly like them. Hurting women is right up his alley anyway, as is being mean and dismissive of their feelings. He sure as shit was cruel when mine were hurt. But then got off on it by reading about it all I suppose. Lol. Idk. I used to have this naive belief then people are mean only when you hurt them. But after knowing him I realised they are mean sometimes without cause, but just so they can feel good about themselves. To think that this is a workplace he talks of so proudly for which he gave me that crap reasoning of oh I met you on here. Like he hadn't met all these others folks he keeps close there. Lol. But the racism is juuust reserved for me. Proud of a place where his best friend goes around using racial slurs and what does he do? Take 5-10 bucks as compensation. What a way to earn money man. Sick. Is this the stuff he is so proud of, so protective of? Well, he is welcome to it. I don't get why he is so surprised when people think of him as a supporter of things like this saluting dude, when your own choices are exactly the same and none of these things make you uncomfortable. But lying to me, being mean, being dismissive, hiding women from me, acting superior, pretending to hate cheaters, ignoring the few things I say about me, but then coming around to read them behind my back, talking about his own ankle hurting when my grandmother is breathing her last but never once asking about her... All that he is comfortable with lmao. I suppose if I had mentioned it, he would have given the same old... Oh I was busy. Updating statuses and playing a silly game of bullet right. That's what's important. Lol. Idk man. People are nuts. 

When someone said he hit on a minor, it was one of the worst things I'd read, esp about someone I barely knew. Yet, I took time and then gave benefit of doubt. Then spent hours not only listening but choosing to be nice and never holding it against him. And yet, the people he chooses to be close to are guys like his friend who not only came around to make fun of it in front of literally everyone, he also chose to change his username to hide the fact that he talks to him. Where is the loyalty or decency in that? Is that the kind of friend he can be talking to and be on group chats with? Well, he is welcome to those people too. It's his own choice at the end of the day. And the discomfort line is reserved for me lol. I've never once been nasty publicly or privately nor would it ever occur to me to do so. Go figure. 

Should really be honest with himself and realise how trashy the sum total of all these choices are. I have never once seen someone who makes worse ones. NPD at it's finest. It would be a travesty if he didn't have NPD actually, because that simply means he knowingly behaves this way. Wow. Heh. Well, atleast NPD prevents accountability so I suppose he can put a spin on it and somehow pretend it's someone else's fault or mine or whatever. One must always have excuses and justifications, so we can pretend we are righteous. Just so sad. 

~

Hmmm. Oh well. Heh. Even this term his friend used like something clever he was doing in my vicinity right. I so wouldn't notice. Whatever. 

~

People who love us won't always be there. Life doesn't give take backs too often. But if all we do is cause pain and double down on it... It can't be shocking when people leave us for good. I'm sorry for whatever turned him into this person tbh. I don't have any anger or animosity left. Being protective of stuff doesn't give him the right to hurt me or be nasty. I don't care what happened or who fucked him over, if at all anyone did or whatever. It was never me, and that's all that matters. Can't just be some immature person that lashes out forever sorry. Take responsibility for your own shit and the nonsense you do. Or don't. I guess some people can't and he might be one of those too. Just a sad realisation that I have to accept that this is who he is and who he will always be. 

And watching this shit show of a salute and all of the grime I see I just feel like enough is enough. I cannot make room or come up with excuses for someone who not only isn't nice to me, but who can withstand causing me pain and even willingly do it. Keep your ego and excuses and whatever delusional castles you choose to build to youself, I don't care for them. All to keep on sheltering and keeping close random folks who write shitty things. Lol. Good shit. 👍

~

I actually just don't see anything decent in him tbh. I kept trying but I don't. Just a mean person. Lol. He couldn't even acknowledge a tiny story I wrote, I suppose that too was to be nasty. Came here and read it though. Tf dude. Seriously. What is even wrong with him? Lol. Makes me laugh tbh, cuz it's just so weird to do that. And these smaller things always stick out, as do the larger ones. I would never in a million years have sat around playing an online board game if someone in his family was ill and he wanted to talk about it. Or any problem really. I would never even treat people I dislike with that much unkindness. The fact that he could do it to me speaks volumes. Even now, if he actually needed me, I would be kind. Heh. The irony huh? I needed a small favour for my brother and he instantly declined. So why should I be there or be nice ever? I don't owe him that. Well, that's the one lesson I have learnt. I guess it takes someone treating you like absolute shit to realise that hey, you don't actually have to settle for this kinda garbage treatment and you sure as shit don't have to make excuses on their behalf. And that you should just walk away. Why give more opportunities to them to be mean further? When people show you their true colours believe them. This is something I need to live by henceforth. 

~

~> this is a world where it's fast becoming normal to openly show bigotry. Where people are championing the worst causes, women are sleeping with 1000 dudes just for attention and men are reaching lows that are morally bankrupt and how. Finding your own footing, holding ground, and opening the door to only people that can bring genuineness is the only way to keep atleast your own inner sanctum safe and at peace. There are enough battles out there to fight, but your own mind and home should be a place of peace and serenity. Something to come back to with happiness and excitement. Hehe. Yeah. These are ideals I will hold on to and the kind of future I wish to create for myself. I guess that's why I'm not angry anymore... I do not wish to carry forward negativity or baggage. So let's just say I forgive it all, the past and mistakes and the stuff that might have been oversight and paranoia and allllll the bs. Yeah. Fuck it. Let's let all the nonsense go from now. Deep breath, and release. 

To resilience, to happiness, to love.

Cheers. 

Been a while since I did 100km cycling. Imma do it this weekend fuck it. Let's just make 2025 count. Imma make this year just a thing to do my stuff exclusively. Screw it. Let's go.

Istg Djoko has to beat Alcaraz just has to. Let's gooooo. Do itttt

The Magpie

 Ugh.

Just a few days back I was looking at Monet's Magpie. And loved it so much I added it as a twitch banner. 

And today mum sends me this 

Ugh. 

I love these sweet coincidences.

Kept my stupid headlamps on and now my battery died and I got periods to boot and clue didn't call it out so I had to get home and realise it. What a FUN DAY 🙄😭🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

~

Ugh. 

I'm gonna drink and play rapid fuck this

 Monfilllsssss let's gooooooooooo. Ooof. What a game beautiful love it 

First draw - Titled

Woohooo I drew a CM in a correspondence game omggg. Yaaay. That was fun. And all the mistakes were actually moves I didn't play despite considering them too omg. That feels better. I really should trust my calc more from now ahha.

Keeping for posterity. Not bad. He is 28 hundo bullet and 2500 blitz. A draw is decent I guess. Ngl wish it was a win though. Heh. First fucking time I've taken a draw but yeah with so much goddamn reluctance. Feels like biting on stone to take one idk why god I hate them. Still, baby steps. Dammit now I'm not even proud anymore just a bit annoyed wtf 

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Meddy out already poor guy. Somehow not surprised also he has been so off his game since last year. But damn Fonseca plays sooo good. Loooove. I want to see more of him on tour. Please don't go the FAA way lol

Apples don't fall far from the tree, do they? Lol. I feel that's completely true in the case of some people. 

I wish the connotation for this was on balance good lol. But nah. It isn't. Sad stuff. Heh. 

~

Reading gaimans statement sheesh. Parents were high up in scientology and look! Son is a twisted scumbag. What a narcissitic clown. The handbook of toxic fucks is always the same... " Oh I was not emotionally available ". Yeah no shit you are a rapist doubt anyone cares about your emotional availability. 🙄 And raping women in front of your 4 yo like what the actual fuck is that. It's like how much worse can this even get lord. 

It's crazy how all these people will always act like everyone else was the problem. Like they say... When all their exes are crazy then maybe they are the ones being a dick. That's so true. I always notice when someone makes fun of their exes and make it sound like everyone else is a problem and oh it's so hard to find good people. Like yeah right... you just don't cut it for good people to want you around maybe, and they simply filter you out. But thaaaaat is not a thought that would occur to them. Lol. Nein. That would need accountability much easier to somehow just always pretend like it's someone else who is at fault. Do everything under the sun except be accountable and then play the victim hoping someone throws you sympathy. Yuck. So weak. Pity the people saddled with such clowns. I'm surprised someone let this moron even make a statement that too such a fucked up one. He didn't mention the kid in it though. Dude what a depraved guy to rape a woman with your own child next to you like. It's so messed up I want to puke. There are some very very fucked up abusive monsters in this world. 

~

Wish upon a star

Felt lil emotional when I pictured something. How I wish I could capture it in words. Took me so many years to just picture that right lol. Funny how pictures can be totems that bind you to a thought or an idea or something. This one shifted slightly in gesture and I guess that was what was missing always. That one gesture hehe. I love that my deepest wish is something so simple too. And this one, I will never put in writing because like the dandelions I'm so fond of, I do not want it to scatter or be sullied. Heh. That one time we did shrooms and I instinctively kept trying to keep all these people out of my space. I hated their overbearing nature and kept thinking they'll never get that I want them to tread gently. They were sooo... Idk... Egoistic and all about just themselves and wanting people to do things just the way they wanted. God I hated it. 

Cheers to the right choices in life. May my instincts navigate me correctly always. 

AO - new gen

I was thinking Joao will beat Rubio and he didddd... Omg. And Perricard too, what a joy to watch. Loved their game. Let's see if Djoko makes it past R3. Actually I wish he would just retire let these new exciting players make the game interesting plssss djoko.

Joao is baby Fed, truly. First time since he retired I've finally felt like rooting for someone fully and instinctively haha. Way more than sinner even. Instinct just matters to me lol. Funny, him and Kokki of all people lol. But yes. 

Just seeing some post about hooters pop up and man. It's so sad to see this type of business chiiii. How despo the guys must be who go there like...🤮 Complete losers. I bet it's mostly sad middle aged losers who need to pay women to be nice to them lol. One thing I do genuinely appreciate about the patriarchy here... Largely noone turns women into such objects for exploitation. There may be other systemic issues but damn man. Seeing this makes me realise how I've always taken respect for granted intrinsically. Commodotising women to sell burgers is so 🤮🤮. Honestly, I would respect guys who went to a strip club waaaay more than this cuz it's soooo creepy to want to get a burger or something at a place like this yuuuuck. Looooooooserssssss.

~

Watchlist

Midsommar

Dragon heart

13th Warrior

A field in England

Men

The Loneliness of the long distance runner - and check out the book

Normal People 

Beyond the infinite 2 minutes

Dark City - re-watch 

Time Crimes

No country for old men

~

Hmmm. Well that's good for a long time nice. Haven't seen decent movies in the last couple of years it feels like lol. Been ages since I researched stuff and made lists and all that stuff lol. Whatever happened to me? Sheesh. Catch upppppp

Wing Gambit

Sadler back on the 3+0 wagon woohoooo omgggg

https://lichess.org/h8xZCb9T/white

Pummelling 2900s in 13 moves zomg. I am sooo happy to see these games aaaaa. 💖🤭 Bulldozer through everyone so good ya. I wish I could play half as well dayum. Heart of a gambiteer truly.

And this wing gambit is so fun damn. Love it. Saving to see latah

Reading about gaiman being a complete monster and a part of me simply isn't even surprised you can see this garbage in his books continually. Always wondered why Pratchett collabed with him. Hmmm. It's crazy how much fuckery happens out there. I never believed in this whole creative genius nonsense either tbh. People are flawed and they barely have control on themselves. To bend your mind into ungodly twists just to come up with a story is pathetic and telling. I'd rather never thrill chase than to be like a low level addict that can't do without the thrill. That vulture article where one of the women describes how he simply went into his script when trying to do her is so correct. That's exactly what these morons with batshit crazy kinks do. And once you know that, you realise how dehumanising it is. Ugh. Sometimes I think people should stay away from anyone who wants to practice bdsm irl they are broken and fucked up beyond measure. God wtf did I read ugh. And the only book of his I loved was that ocean at the end of the lane and turns out it's a semi biography it makes me so sick knowing all that he has done fuck dude. 

~

All these people are just monsters. Never ever engage with someone who lacks empathy or can cause you distress without concern or accountability. Just take it as a cue to leave and run for the hills. These people I see feeding on broken and damaged souls... Yeah just stay the fuck away. 

~

Heh...maybe there's a reason I prefer the simplicity of sports and children's fiction. Root for the hardest working person and then just enjoy some sunshine and sweetness in books. It's not that I don't understand the world in its various disguises. It's just that if you have to pick who you want to be...and what you want to be... You gotta pick the nice things, the safe things, the things that can build a sturdy future around you. No point in meandering through the shitty streets of stupidity. Pick something you like doing, try doing it well, stay busy, active, happy. Being good isn't easy, doing the right thing isn't easy either. But you have to make that choice actively just as you choose to better yourself. Banish all the rest that seeks to detract from it. And stay the fuck away from fucked up people they bring only disaster wherever they go. 

Here's to 2025 being absolutely clean of any of that shit. 

Sweet nectar

Stop revealing my moves I tell ya! 

But seriously though wtf. Who tf would ask someone "how is your mom" right at that moment aaaaaa 😭😭😭😭😭😭

This world is so mocked and I WANT TO KNOW WHAT BOOK THIS IS AND READ IT. 

~

UGH.

~

Ok gotta admit he is right. No decent lady will ask " do you need a suck" that's so trashy yukky.

~

Crap I remember that asshole SH had gifted me some book called " Nice Girls Do " ahahshahhaha shit. I must read it sometime tooo lmaooo

Randomly getting engagement ring ads lmao. Still, I love this ring so much. It's so pretty! Simple and elegant. Ugh. I love rings. 

~

Safe space

Needed some breathing exercises just to feel grounded. Nesting on my couch with some wine and a nice book and a cosy sweater amidst a lot of pillows after a scalding hot shower zomg. Company is nice but so is this silence hehe. 

~

Ugh wine bad choice too cold. Should have made soup or tea 💀💀💀

~

Not only am I happy, I'm actually reverting back to the cheerful person I used to be. Dayum man. So cool. All it took was a decision to care about my own self. Heh. This year will be fucking great. ♥️

 

Reading this about Murzins dad and like. Fuck dude. Fuck. Being stuck with abusive men is a fate I would not wish upon anyone. Just the worst scum in the world, a man who beats his wife and kids. 

Ugh. You know what. Just. If someone seems like they may have anger issues and/or abusive verbally or otherwise... Fucking flush them out of your life for good and never fucking look back. Never. Love etc is completely bollocks only ever choose a guy that's kind and respectful and considerate and give them a wide berth if they don't have it in them intrinsically. Lack of these qualities will always make you a victim at their hands fucking pathetic cucks. Oh man I just feel so bad whenever I read accounts like this fucking asshole men truly. Scum of the earth.

Fuck dude. Sometimes I wish I could just protect everyone god I really really do. Esp kids man like what fucking monsters adults can be just so fucked up. Never know how someone's past is like at times but damn dude, some of the nicest folks out there have such horrid backstories. Murzin in particular seems so damn sweet and kind himself. I feel so bad damn. 

~

And now someone's telling me about kamsy's dad wtf man. What the actual fuck did I read omggggg. Broooo. What are these men ya. Wtf kinda crazy ass lunatics are these godddd. I'm going to have nightmares about this. 

~

Ok I actually just puked reading the deets. Damn dude. I can't. I just can't. This horrid fucking world of crazy ass nutjobs idk what to do but wtf how do people just say and share these things like they don't matter. I'm gonna have a panic attack if I think about it fuck fuck fuck. 

Man. I just feel so nice and chill now hehe. Something about just turning a corner helps so much yo. Like. I was feeling so over extended and felt it for such a long time that it now just feels good to be stress free. I'm glad I will not allow myself to revisit that space again either. Yeah man. Hehe. Good stuff. I'm happy 2025 is here somehow just feels great! I think I want this year to be about me, just things I want to do. And I want to stay away from people who do not bring positivity into my life. Life is too short for all this, I'd like to focus on the good from now. 

I hadn't stopped to consider how much stress had built up over time, I guess reaching a tipping point was bound to happen sooner or later. Well, it's good. Atleast I don't feel obligated to do anything anymore. It wasn't all bad maybe but if even bare minimum is always off the table then I don't really see any point in just indulging someone's ego. I don't want to go down the road of harsh takes anymore but let's just say I'm clear on the fact that I want people in my life to be open, honest and trusting and caring. If that's not on the table then it's fair for me to leave and meet others who can be. Like I mean... Who is so unempathetic that they keep tabs on you behind your back but can't ask you how you are dealing with someone's illness? Or hangs with people who call women holes. Damn man. Who raised you dude? Sheesh. Zero sense of empathy or decency truly disgusting. God just fucking rise up in life and make better choices sheesh it's not so hard but you'll only fail if you never even fucking try. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. Damn... I don't think I'm ever going to forget the cruelty with which he treated me. 

........

Anyway, no matter. Shit happens and it's time for me to let this go. Hehe yeah. 2025 is the year of indulging no racism, no lack of empathy and no shitty behaviour. Never thought I'd reach a point in life where I need to spell it out but here we are. Everyone I know would be ashamed of me for the number of chances I gave this person, I am too. Like those wives whose ass husbands hit on young women and they pretend it didn't happen. Maybe that Sreya has to play that role in his life. All that scurrying around to hide her must mean that tbh. He wouldn't have introduced her to the bryans otherwise. Oh well. Liars and cheaters, always the same. Writing him off for good ta tah! 💀💀💀

~

~

~

Hmmm. I never realised how good Hiki is tbh. He explains things and his moves so succinctly even while playing at such a high level. Crazy talent. Good addition to cycling routine too. Heh. Don't actually mind his personality in these cuz he is just playing and explaining. He even talked about his step dad in his life and how that shaped him. Wow. I didn't expect to hear that in a vid of all things lol. But yeah I guess that explains a lot of his behaviour maybe. Must be rough to deal with this stuff as kids. It makes me really thankful for how supportive and loving my family is actually. Seeing how toxic people can be and how ruthless... Idk. I think it's bad to be subjected to shit growing up. But once you become the grown up that does shit to others that's on you. Can't excuse it. As much as Hiki, Finegold, Levy might have obnoxious personalities... The thing I respect is how they have never once been degrading or shameful towards women. I like that a lot. I've seen them be v nice to the women in their lives too, always sweet. Hehe. I think that's the most important thing in the world tbh. Human values always win out in the end. For all their flaws this is the one constant in all of them and the only thing that matters in the end. Good for them. And Sadler hit 2828 in bullet lol. And did it again haha. Much as I hate he plays this time control I still do like his games overall. Way more than Ediz even though he is damn good himself. 

Anyway, let's just see some chess then forget.  Cycling and hiki. What an odd combo lol. 

tlön, uqbar, orbis tertius

The rabbit hole of this guys' short stories is so interesting. Best part is you can read one a day feels great. 

I am enjoying the yellow room mystery as well, albeit the translation is a bit elaborate. Really cool that the guy who wrote phantom of the opera could actually write this mystery too, first of its genre no less. Yet again, I find myself in the middle of 3 books simultaneously ahha. Feels like school and I love it. 

Hozier sings for me

Wow those were a lot of loops to go through to figure out how to add video and audio that can be uploaded nice. Recording myself for the first time feels so weird lol.

Remember seeing his nerdy look for the first time and falling so goddamn hard lmao. V rarely do I find someone so attractive I wanna climb straight into lap. And then he sang mofo. Oh man. Those glasses, wide shoulders and that voice. Bruh. So potent. 

You're toooo sweet for meeeeiiiieeeieieeee. 

Heh. 

I would bang you in a heartbeat hozier. And then maybe make you breakfast. If you behave. Or maybe if you don't. Who knows? 

Heh. But I would melt hard at Cherry Wine. Fuck man...what a pretty ass song. Not the best in the world but works for me. I've never glamourised dysfunction and dysfunctional relationships. I don't see what's great about breaking each other and getting off on the intensity of it all. It makes me sad to see people with no self control no respect no real understanding of self mastery. But I know what it's like to love someone endlessly, even when it hurts to. Noone understood that about me. Atleast I don't think they did. They don't get how much it hurts to be there for them even when they stabbed me and my mind...my enemy at times. Tells me take it, it's okay. You can endure. Like fucking batman lmao. I don't think I can do it anymore. I wanna leave everything behind tbh. I'm so done. With lots of love... Fuck you.  All of you. ♥️ Heh. 

~

Oh heyyy and this is a song for well. Hehe. Always loved the cardigans. 

Lovefool

Mariage D'Amour

Omggggg!!

A 2 yo plays one of my fav tracks and so well aaaa. Saving cuz it's the most beautiful song ever. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/nextfuckinglevel/s/K3NsItSGLM

Obligatory:

George Davidson

Oh man... I love this so much. 

My heart lies in music, and when it does it never lies. 

Jan 8th

Dad's bday!!!! 🎈🎂 

Jan, the bday month for me and him and their wedding hehe. 

Aaaand happy b'day elvis, one must not forget you! 

Props to mum for managing to procure a cake in -16 degree temperatures in the middle of nowhere haha. And waking him up at midnight to cut it like teens. Soooo sweet man. I love it!! 

Thing I love best about dad is how he is always looking to do something. Trying to open his own school now, a lifelong ambition of his. Even at this age, the man doesn't want to quit, simply wants to do something. Mum called it ambition and he said no, life's aim. How nice ya. Really. Respect. 

I hope he does open his school and can fulfill it. 

Had a strange dream with some person in it that I was talking to lots. Waking up and it feels so surreal when you half remember it by the deets just get hazy. Strange huh. 

~

I like dreams sometimes. The floating quality of a hazy narrative. The peekaboo of consciousness interspersed with that feeling of flying and occasionally diving into deep waters. Heh... I guess that's why depictions of dreams are always like falling into the sea. 

~

I enjoy good conversations a lot. A way to bounce ideas, a way to I guess dance but verbally... Sometimes to get to know someone well, other times to simply exchange neutral stances and world views. Maybe that's why I prefer long conversations. It's how AK and I also started haha. A 3 day conversation that saw our young hearts just fall in love. It was so sweet. The one time I felt pulled to someone in the last couple of years was also a by product of a conversation that was simply so nice. But I guess the pull wasn't just that he was smart it was that he was so damn nice and sweet to me. It really hurt to realise it then. That feeling of vulnerability I had at that moment was so deep. Not that he was being nice, just that something so simple was denied me for so long and it was so easy to actually just offer. Something that was meant to be usual and what I always took for granted for most of my life tbh. I guess that's a very visceral and existential feeling I had in that moment...I willingly waited and delayed  engaging with someone for months so I could feel sure I could trust them. And when I chose to, they treated me badly straight up. It felt like a complete betrayal then. And that conversation when he was just so nice to me completely made me cry. For the sheer unfairness of the situation but more existentially for the sheer haha... well tbh the flip off the universe seemed hell bent on giving me... "like hey look look made you trust again sucker. Now deal with hurt hahaha." I don't place blame on anyone anymore but it was... well it's amusing now to be fair. Hehe. Unfairness becomes bearable when you blame it on god or sins etc right? That's something I understood in a tiny way here. But no matter. Actually, let me lay blame where it should lie. In my lap for choosing to be around despite repeated evidence, and my lack of standing up for me. I too pulled an ostrich here for sure. And ofc on this person for making all the choices they did. Still, idc now. As it should be, I extricate myself from this and the loss of trust was I suppose long overdue anyway so good to just balance the scale. I guess I was lucky in a lot of ways in life though, still am. Choosing to have been around someone awful made me lose sight of that. But it helps me in an academic way to understand the role of neglect and what it does to a person. That was another one of my pet wounds. Growing up with a mum who used to only focus on herself and simply use me as a placeholder for their emotions. And then coming across a person, taking time to trust them only for them to combine the worst of both worlds and further treat me like some object they aren't accountable to, but can extract value from and cite ' but I said so' etc if ever called to be accountable. Well, atleast I would never choose to sink so low or be so spineless or be such a user thank god. I have no respect for any of that weak shit. I pay my dues and I always carry my share of the burden for the ones I care for. And I guess I genuinely do not respect people who don't but try to get free passes on technicalities. Freeloading with extra steps, iss all it amounts to. I guess hurting my feelings might be something that I could always forgive, but hurting my pride? No. Like when that sluddy lady pointed out that line judges could be racist in their calls and he simply didn't get it lol. Cuz he has never faced it in his life. Subjected people to it, yes. But never had to deal I guess. Made me chuckle at the unawareness of it all. Some people spend their entire lives in bubbles, don't they? When your own bff calls people uncle Tom, then it's not surprising to me in the least. But hey, those folks he is comfortable with lol. Yuck man. I find it hard to forgive myself for ever, everrrrr giving a fuck about such a person. Never wanted do overs in life, but if there was ever a thing I would change... It would be that I never said hi to him. 

~

Funnily enough, mum is family and I never wanted to quit on her. But that's where it ends for me. I gave way too much importance to someone who was absolutely not worth any of it. I say this without malice, but out of a sense of weighing out the good and the bad and realising the simple truth that they never did anything for me but took care and validations galore from me. I suppose maybe like mum they have their own issues. I don't view people as broken so I won't use such a term but yes, I do think insecurity and unaccountability often goes hand in hand. But props to mum tbh. She is a solid person who changed and changed for the better across the years. I'm proud of who she is today and the relationship we share now. I'm glad. It may have taken a lot of years to get there but she is a dogged soul who always does the thing she sets her mind to. A total warrior that I do admire lots. And I'm glad I never quit on her. That was a fucking good decision. Hehe. Look at me, separating wheat from chaff and landing up with a gem. 

Those visceral feelings have long left me now. I suppose that's part of having dealt with them, but they don't have any power or impact on me. Like a healed scar you can't quite remember hurting anymore. So I suppose I am lucky still. And I am happy too, a lot more these days. Good. Hope to share that luck and care with people who share my values too. ♥️

And now I want a bite of a dessert hehe. Dammit do I have to wait for Christmas? Yep. Fuck you sugar. No thanks. Oh the meanderings of a mind that's restless on cold winter eves. Brandy, maybe? Dammit. 

El Aleph

 

"As is well known, the Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Its use for the strange sphere in my story may not be accidental. For the Kabbala, the letter stands for the En Soph, the pure and boundless godhead; it is also said that it takes the shape of a man pointing to both heaven and earth, in order to show that the lower world is the map and mirror of the higher; for Cantor′s Mengenlehre, it is the symbol of transfinite numbers, of which any part is as great as the whole."

- Jorge Luis Borges

~

Of all the rabbit holes that lead me to this story. One from 1949. I am surprised and pleased and find it nice.

I love the concept of oneness that exists in Judaism, and I love the word - Aleph. 

Contain me within you, please? 

~

'God is an intelligible sphere, whose center is everywhere, and whose circumference is nowhere'

- Alanus de Insulis

Analysis

 

How very interesting that Tal comments on this last move only strengthening blacks position. Absolutely gobsmacked because I thought white was better initially even though very conservative in developing but the black king looked less safe. Vv cool thing to understand. I am loving this book and what a win lichess is my god makes things so easy. Not yet able to follow deeper middle games in my mind ten - 12 moves seem to be my limit so far. But damn I'm excited to see where it takes me. Hehe. I love chess. 

If I were talking to that guy I would have shared this: 

https://www.atptour.com/en/news/muller-us-open-2023-feature

Cold at midnight, feels good. And holy balls Hiki likes good music. The world is so full of surprises lol. Dammit I love the 80s synth so much. Great workout addition. Hehe. Love this.

Maaan, there something so damn pure about hikis obnoxiousness that I get it, I get why people like him haha. Fuck. Very unique personality, it fascinates me. Gotta add it to my book of characters. I just have an affinity for assholes who seem like they might be nice underneath that. They make me laugh lots at how petty they can be idk it's just amusing how frustrating it is but funny in an absurd way lol.

+ There's something v trustworthy about complete snakes in that you just know they can't be anything otherwise. 

~

Sometimes I think I'm a complete sucker for people that make me laugh. I really am. One day I'll just fall in love with an ass who knows that about me and just get swindled asf. Haha. Well darling, if you are my kryptonite, I will damn well make sure I'm yours. Touche and amen. 😘

~

Wow I legit like his music wtf

The mystery of the yellow room

A new one! Didn't know Gaston Leroux had written a locked room mystery as well how cool. And the first recorded one in the world. Yumz. Imma sink my teeth into this one, very excited to read it!! 

Wrote out an entire post summarising 2024 and wow. Damn man. Parts of it are so visceral and heartbreaking. I really should have walked away sooner. I don't even want to post it cuz like... Guess I don't want to share my true feelings in such a blunt way but damn. I'm not even an irrational person who embellishes, so it's all just true and factual. And to read it back really is eye opening for me. How did I allow for all this to happen? Ouch. Heh. Life is not interesting if I don't screw myself over atleast a few times. Stubbornness doesn't give way to learning lessons soon haha. But I will keep it saved as a reminder of how awful things can be if you let the wrong sort in.🎗️ 

~ 

No matter. It is in the past. Let me just write off last year like a bad dream. What's happened has happened. Like Rafa says haha. And now we are here. We are in 2025. 

Heh... Miss that intense person. 

And RIP akka. Your life mattered to all of us. Thank you for being in it. Thank you for smiling at me one last time the way you did. Thank you for being the sweet old soul you always were. 

We love you and we miss you. 

Tal

Despite being so talented, Tal seems remarkably good natured and down to earth. That's so nice. And fairly perceptive as well. A good storyteller. So nice man. What a gem of a book. Can't wait to finish it soon. 

Lmao... Just woke up and scrolled through stuff and then clicked on a twich link and the first thing I see is this guy's friend just adding his playlist on some other streamers profile including that lara chicks songs. 💀💀💀💀

Fuck man this fuckery just made me laugh lots at how utterly juvenile it is ahhahahahah fuck.  

Why is he like this yaaa? Hahahahha shit. And now salame is playing wtf hahahahhaha oh my goooodddd who does this fuck. 

Ohhhh just needed that laugh omg man. Some folks are just so crazy really. 

We were talking about abusive people and why some folks stay in such equations and damn dude. The things that came up were pretty unsettling to hear. Sad. I hope it never happens to me or anyone else I know. 

Ehh...hmmm. I told him honestly how I think about M and C also these days. It's weird to see a friend slowly turn into a person that's constantly trying to argue or be mean and nitpicky. And the patronizing way he speaks to her also gets on my nerves. I feel like partners should bring out the good in each other but with them it seems like the opposite. But I know it's not my place to say anything to her about it. Bro thinks I should simply stay away and tbh even I sense myself detaching a lot more lately. 

~

Idk dude. Lately, all my patience has kinda gone away and I guess I'm just moving on from it all. Even with M dude. Like. I never cared that he was poor and homeless but the lack of empathy and kindness towards me is a dealbreaker for me. 💀 Yeah, it's just scary that someone can spy on you all they want, know how bad you felt multiple times and keep an act to your face regardless of all that and feign ignorance and indifference on top of it. It's very manipulative and quite scary in its meanness. And a generous helping of that lame ego on top of it everytime. It's kinda spineless to be so afraid of accountability or be so incapable of fixing stuff. Whichever it may be. Replace tiger with ostrich, more fitting I would say. 

Reminds me of A and his phobia of rejection that manifested as " people call me, I don't call them" when noone actually thought or cared about any of this. NPD. Just desperately clinging to illusions and delusions. 

Whatever. 

~

Blah. 

~

 Damn feeling quite sick. Ugh. 

State Change

~

Talking to bro and Lohith also joined McKinsey lol. Always knew he would love these consulting firms. Interesting how everyone went into the direction their personalities dictated. I've always had a strong sense of dislike for MBA though, just tooooo much cringiness. Talking about so many things today, was fun. Might meet T also soon. He is in town. Man soooo much bs we all used to get up to, reminiscing about all of it with bro ahhaa. Fuck. After a long time laughed so much ya. Man. I miss these guys haha. It's been years since we all hung out properly in a group. Hopefully soon! ♥️

~

Noticing so many good solid youtubers for chess these days. So much value. Some of them are great at teaching too. I like that Dr. Can. I guess it's a talent in itself to be able to break things down. One of JB's new vids also popped by. There was a time where it took me time to follow him and this time I instantly could spot the blunder he made in his game. That felt very good tbh. Atleast I'm looking for opponent moves intuitively now that's huge for me. He plays simple chess for instructional purposes I suppose. A talent in itself I guess cuz I'm sure he can do a lot more complex stuff if he needs to. Still, that's what makes him a good teacher. Nice to live in an era of information. Hehe hope to improve this year. Magnus also getting married. She seems sweet. V concerned about him losing and all how cute ya. Heh. I guess when you care about someone you can't help but be supportive. I like that. Good partners always have your best interests and happiness in mind. I like it when the right people find each other❣️

I feel good and happy for this year ahead tbh. It's such a nice feeling. Hehe. Been a while since I felt positive about stuff but idk why my lingering feeling is that amazing things are to come. Yay. Hope everything falls in place this year. ♥️

And now 3rd Jan too hehe. Tf time is flying already!

Lying in bed and seeing this:

1. Nf3 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 d5 4. d4 c6 5. Bg5 dc4 6. e4 b5 7. a4 Qb6 8. Bf6 gf6 9. Be2 a6 10. O-O Bb7 11. d5 cd5 12. ed5 b4 13. a5 Qc7 14. de6 bc3 15. Nd4 Rg8 16. Qa4 Kd8 17. g3 Bd5 18. Rfd1 Kc8 19. bc3 Bc5 20. e7 Nc6 21. Bg4 Kb7 22. Nb5 Qe5 23. Re1 Be4 24. Rab1 Rg4 25. Re4 Qe4 26. Nd6 Kc7 27. Ne4 Re4 28. Qd1 Re5 29. Rb7 Kb7 30. Qd7 Kb8 31. e8Q Re8 32. Qe8 Kb7 33. Qd7 Kb8 34. Qc6

Mikhail Tal vs Dieter Keller

I cannot stop marvelling at this man and the million ways he must have made Keller lament. Brutal fuck. 

Well, jan 2nd here already. Good. A cold crisp morning with sunshine, just the way I like it. Lets do a fresh start and enjoy what's to come. 

Hmmm. Feel like I'm out of things to say lol. Maybe there's a lot I wish to, but then also don't want to.

And the world blitz being a split title like omg. I'm ashamed of this sport lol. What nonsense rulings. Really not a serious game at all. Blah. Don't want to see these players again. Sick of them tbh. Neimann making most sense amongst them how sad. Agree with hiki also, like his blunt take on it. V nice, isn't fully corrupt lol. We are going to get the 2am phonecall to Dvorkovitch right haha. Someone should care about the sanctity of the game, truly. Beautiful. Hammer going forfeit both of them is my new fav line lmao. Too cool to see a fellow norwegian saying fuck this it isn't the sinquefield cup lmao. 

Heh. Need a good nights sleep after that laugh. 

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And now I see Ivanchuk cry after his loss omg. Shit. That was so sad. I love his games so much it's so brutal to see him so upset damn man. Shit. Poor guy. Props to naro for being gentlemanly and not being mean at all. I like sportsmanship so much... I really respect it from the bottom of my heart, I do. I guess I have a very straight and narrow idea of what I consider good and bad and for me moments of decency go a long way in earning respect. Especially when you know they are authentic. Shit dude. Ivanchuk is a wonderful player I find this v heartbreaking. Like watching a grandparent cry  :(

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I think the hearts of good people are just simple. And I value that so immensely like idc how good someone is at anything at all, but I care a whole lot about their conduct and morality. It's the right way to look at life because all else is meaningless anyway. Damn dude. Genuinely touched by his reaction.