Saw some really nice candles and such I can send bro and M for diwali. I hope she likes. I wanna send some cutesy stuff over to them 😬

~

I love sending small, small gifts with handwritten notes. Feels good. Heh. Lmc what all curios I can find.

~

Eating dinner at 6pm while reading the nose. It's a nice lil tale. Gogol wrote a lot of stuff that was part of my English classes in school. So it kinda feels like reading childrens' fiction in a way. I liked that era of reading, everything was new and exciting. Now, not so much. The wizards guide book was nice too. Simple asf to read. It made me a little sad that writing levels need to be that easy to consume now. Changing times. 

~

Not playing has made me restless asf today. I'm finding it tough to sit still. I'll go early tomo and play for two hours. I barely drink coffee also these days. A new development for sure. Will it last? Wouldn't bet on it. 

~

I allowed myself to peek on the channel today and instantly saw that same womans' name that had made me leave. It's a sign lol. I shall not peek again. Good. Sometimes you just need that jolt of reality. Just be around people who actively choose to welcome and respect me. This detour was my bad, my fault. Fault! 

~

Speaking of, can Alcu pls win?! I look forward to tomo! 

Just scrolled past a quote by Roger about going shopping for ten hours if his wife wants it cuz she stands and supports him for hours too. See, this is real consideration and partnership, knowing you gotta bring something considerate to the table for someone else to feel nice. Wish more people out there had figured this out. Alas! How sweet of him though!

~

I can't wait for morning to come by!

 🙄

Why did I see that status why why why how. So mindless. Early morning mindlessness by me. He'll just gloat or something ugh. Whyyyyy

Heh. Well, good to see tennis is going on. Still sort of decent at it lol. Playing what looked like a kid. Who knows might be his own. Heh. M used to tell me she thinks he would be a bad father. She is an asshole. 

I think he would be a good coach too tbh

~

WHY DID I SEE NOW HE WILL JUST GLOAT IF HE SEES. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

~ 

So annoying

~

Oh hey it reached omggg

~hehe my bad handwriting too. Yaaay I'm happyyyy!! Nicely aims took the pic too!

~

Omg Tiafoes outfit 😂😭😭😭😭😭😭 jesus!! He's dressed like a kid put him her fav ballet colours lmao. Opponent is also damm. You cannot make it uppppp!

~

Ugh should I go play? It's so sunnyyyyy!

~

Bless his soul. ♥️🤭🧿

These days I'm in bed by 9.30 ish. Just doing my reading and general chilling. 

~

Anyway, too tired for alcus match today. Really missed seeing him tbh. But I doubt I can stay up. Ughhyyy

~

Nvm I think I'll watch it. 

~

Omgggg. he is showing nips! Hahahahahaa whaaaat!!!

What is that outfit he looks sooooo funny 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣. Oh lord. Just never change carlitos. Such a deeply unique person. Oh I'm glad I woke uppppp!!!

Hahahha. I love him. He looks v much like a mallu boy also. Esp that royal head of hair. I hope his wrist is fine and he wins the whole thing. He is like sunshine ngl. Ezpz victory for him too, looks like. One set in the pock-et.

Djoko crying was unreal. I really wish he would quit tbh. I think it probably hit him too that it's time. Or who knows maybe he tries one last time. Wouldn't put it past him. 

~

Somehow fed quitting felt super emotional, so did rafa. With djoko as much as I admire the accomplishments, I don't have that same feeling. Good to know FedEx love is never even remotely challenged lol. How much love I was leaking seeing his ceremony. Haha. ♥️

~

A piece of mint fell in my coffee and steeped into it. Felt like I'm having toothpaste flavoured coffee yukky. Why why why. 🤢. Mint is such an awful flavour in a lot of things like eww. People who like mint chocolate are total psychos. Or orange for that matter. Grossssss 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

~

Spoke to brother lots today. Was nice. He went to some book reading lol. It's cute how he does all these things. Will be introducing M to the family soon too. That's so nice man. God bless. I look forward to it! She seems like a gem of a person. 

Happiness of people I love means the world to me. I realise that I have a very stark boundary between love and indifference. If I care about someone I'll do my utmost for them, if I don't then it doesn't register at all. Like all goodwill is showered on certain folks. I guess that's okay. Earlier it was more scattered but when I realised it's not appreciated and reciprocated, I sort of prune those trees. Maybe that happens when you grow up, you are selective about where to give energy. It is what it is. 

~

Guavas are the best. My fav fruit after orange. I can't believe how underrated this fruit is yums. Cheers to nature, for coming up with such gems. I miss them when they aren't around! 

Reading a quote by dosto about the dreamer archetype and I feel like while he is right, sometimes we simply have to dream away the misery so we can find a cause to hang on to. 

I like books about magic and wit precisely cuz they show me worlds we can visit that are pleasing to our appetites. 

When I was a kid, I would watch people stuck being their worst selves and wonder to myself... What beauty is there to be found in such pain? Hope is the quintessential escape.

Where is that speck you can look at and say life is worth living? How do we find something in this grime? Why don't we just run away?

~

Dreary day, cold. And I'm still in bed doing nothing by 6 am. Whew! 

~ uso starts today isn't it? Woohoo! 

Omg djoko lost a set already. Heh. It's his last real shot at winning one tbh. No sinner, but alcu might be all bouncy and prepped let's see.

Lmao nvm he is STRUGGLING. Man, he should just quit ngl. This is painful to see.

For once I can actually see uso cuz waking up early. Maaan. Couple years ago watched that Meddy final while texting m and it was brutal. Oh the aftertaste. Bllleeurgh.

~

Zomg this is just brutal asf. Djoko why why why. He looks half perished.

Fears and More

Took a nap and promptly had a nightmare. It's like my soul is screeching out warnings. :( 

I feel sick. Every single time I feel a little easy towards someone this kinda nightmare just brings me back to... idk... it's like deep inside me a warning bell goes off like I'm being naive...

I don't even want to recollect it. Just flow away man, and take my fears and worries with you...

~

What a bun! 

It was the same stupid thing again man like kya hai yeh always fucking troubling me. If I could just eliminate this one fear istg my life will be all cheery. Ironically it's the one thing that also tethers me, it's such an important part of my world that I don't want to let it go either. I feel like i'd be adrift without the one thing I so value. Maybe adrift is what I need though. Like why not honestly. 

Ugh. 

To be honest, maybe I just need to let go once and for all. The best way to deal with fear is to walk through it anyway so why tf not. Gather ye courage and take that step. 

~

WHAT A BUNNNNNNNN! 

I'm just gonna take by bra off and read my book. Or like watch rogers speech again, feel some good eems. 

Tournament was so fun! Kids are so much better than adults lmao. One kid just beating everyone's ass. It was insane to watch lol. And cutely keeping score too. And a small girl also playing well but lost. Still, holding their own against adult men is good. That other kid was also good at moving which made a huge difference. The older dude was quite a hard hitter but didn't get to the ball in time a lot. V fun dynamic. 

~

Maaaan. What a lovely afternoon this was! I love tennis soooo much! Imma play in a tournament sometime too. Maybe in a few months when I feel a bit more ready. I'll try my best! 

~

Awww waking up and watching Roger cry while giving mirka a shout out is the sweetest thing ever!!! Omgggggg. What a cutie man. Even at 45 he gets emotional about his wife I love this soooooooo much!! Haha this is the kinda baby a man should be lmaoooo. 

Oh Em GEEEEEE!!!

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

7 pm, dinner done and I'm already tired asf. Reading a nice book, it's so simple. Cute premise too. Wizards guide to defensive baking. I feel like I can finish it off tonight if I just read from now to 10 pm. Lmc. It's definitely not a tough read. 

After a v long time I'm actually sitting here and reading tbh. Just me and a lamp and the quiet. It feels good. Nice cozy Saturday. Some jazz maybe to accompany me would be good too. Lmc what I can whip up. 

~

Ooo there's a tournament tomo. Should I go watch? Might be fun ngl. Hmmm. Idk what to dooooo. 

~

2 hours and 150 pages done. I am SO TIRED! Just gonna fall asleep any minute lol. Yawns.

Finally played for 2 hours. Feels great. Won a set. Let's see tired asf. This bending etc needs more conditioning lol. I feel tired, tanned and happy. Could have played longer too tbh. Hehe. I like that. Maybe I'll go tomo as well. Let's see. My backhands sucked ass today like. There's this weird block I have during sets idk why. Half the stuff I mess up is purely mental. Even not eating a banana beforehand makes me low energy.  Bittersweet feeling about some aspects. My grip is fully brown, same shade as clay lol 🧱 😆. And I also need a skincare routine if I'm going to be out in the sun. The things women need to do. 😕😤🙄

~

Someone needs to teach me stretching lol. Need to do squats also. Stupid bending. 

~

M doing well at both these sports is super commendable. It really is. Heh. I've always liked that he is smart and passionate about stuff. Wish he was also nice lmao. Oh well. We cannot have it all huh? 

I seem to have said this line multiple times. I suppose I should not. Never make a habit of negative reinforcements. Maybe he can manage to be good at all three things! Who knows! Gimme everything, I want. It's not a lot anyway. So GIMME ALL. 😬

~

Hehe. I don't think I'd ever like someone if they weren't smart and passionate about stuff tbh. Just a pretty face is never something that interests me, it was always wittiness and the ability to have good conversations. M is not witty, but there's something v funny about how weary he would look and then just get these stray comments. Angry burrito indeed. Made me adore him. But I also like it when people aren't full of themselves. That gets super boring real fast. Part of why I enjoyed speaking to his friend was because the conversation was fairly free flowing, there weren't any hangups and such. There's a level of honesty in that which I appreciate. He had a level of openness and authenticity that I had hitherto taken for granted. Usually had that with everyone else too. Going forward, I will ensure I only engage with people who bring that to the table. That's a non negotiable for me. I see a lot of people who do really well also maintain a sense of groundedness which I admire and respect. I seek that in people too. Simple living, high thinking. Or just getting high and chatting 🤣. I'm like a saint now, drinking water with lemon 🍋. Oh well. 

~

Musings musings. 

I gotta take a shower 🚿 ugh. Someone gimme a massage too omg. And with some lemon water. Chilled. Omg. Yums.

When is the wcc? Can't believe it's almost time already. 

~

I wonder if gukesh will crawl back into shape. I hope he does. I'm a big fan of people just finding their rhythm when everyone writes them off so good on him if he does. Pretty underconfident of this but yeah.

~

Ugh. And now I have to go buy vegetables. Eww 🤢

~

Met some guy I play with at the store and forgot his name lol. Shit. His kid was also there and forgot her name also. Beautiful. Hehe. Man, I really gotta start paying attention to all this. 

~

Thinking of the wcc match again and this time last year. It's been a year almost since Naro passed. Damn dude. Idk why it just struck me now but yeah. Bummer. The intro to his vids is so ingrained in my memory too.  Seeing people post so many good things about king harald it made me realise that by and large people will see the good in you if you stand by it. 

WHY AM I LOSING LOSING LOSING OMGGGGG FUCK 

I'm up at 5 am naturally and I feel so nice rn. Something about the quiet, the cold, the occasional bus that trundles past, slightly disturbing the stillness. All of it is just so endearing. I feel like going for a run, but that would mean getting out of bed. And we can't have that now, can we? Not before sunrise atleast!

~

I like checking out twitch when it's this early just to see what's what. And I see Ben's wife gambling lmao. People are weird. What an odd choice ngl

~ 

Hmmm lemme snooze for a few minutes more. 

M seems to have uninstalled insta for a bit. In a way I'm sort of glad. Maybe taking time off. I doubt she would rethink anything. Well. It is what it is. 

I've grown quite sure of the idea that our paths are going to diverge, and diverge really soon. So I don't particularly feel like fixing anything any longer. It just... We have never had commonalties in friends etc. none of the folks I knew ever warmed up to her and while I like her friends I find it difficult to have any conversations with them too. So maybe it's okay. Either way, I'm extremely certain that I don't wish to ever see her bfs face ever again if I can avoid it. Just dislike that guy tremendously. God, that obnoxious loud voice and him mansplaining every idiotic thing like no thank you. 

~

Yeah, meh. Fuck it. I've felt at peace this last week cuz at the end of the day laid some stuff on the table and I don't have to have any forced conversations. Good break.

~

Plus. What irritates me about this entire thing is that... Not once has she made an attempt to change or become different. It's like you just can't save a person that chooses not to save themselves. And that's the bitch of it. That helplessness I feel when I see someone just jumping off a cliff over and over is unreal boss. I cannot yabal. Eff it yet again lol. 

~

Omg omg omg 

OH MY GODDDD

My apartment keeps a directory of the pets in the society!!

Oh my godddddd

Wuuut

Why did I not know this before. Dammit soooo cute.

~

This is legit this cutest thing ever. Aslan the great just laying on the floor lmaooo. Just beautiful. Donna Paulson lmao. Duuude. Oh my heart. ♥️😭

~

Why am I losing, losing, losing? WHY AM I 1800?! 

😱

Level so trash ooh la la

Watching Roger play tennis is just such joy. Truly like. I am so so so happy seeing it. I feel little tears tbh. What a magical guy man. 

And roddick too. I love him as well. Oh my days of youth when I lusted after him haha. What a cutie he is. He's become a lil chonky also haha. How adorbs. People are right, dad bods are kinda attractive. Back in the day those shoulders oooh la la. Now I don't like em as much, I'm more into hands lol. A man with good hands is like kryptonite. I just love nice palms too. Ooof. I have a sneaky feeling that the love of my life will have the absolute perfect hands lol.🔥

~ 

Playing in the sun is brutal. I could not manage more than an hour. Ugh. Need a rest day and some cloudy weather ☁️ . I like that stupid dome thing that guy plays in tbh. What a good way to ignore the elements. But I like open courts more. Just the wind and the rain and the sun beating down on my face. And stars to fill my dreams! 

~

Realised that I eat like a toddler sometimes just bread and cheese and nuggets lol. Just can't be bothered to cook or do anything in the kitchen. Instant noods with egg at night. Hehe. Well. Even egg toast is such an easy and nice meal. I love. 

~

Lmc a few games. Been so long since I cheered. Hehe. I'll cheer for opponents instead 😬😸🤭. Nahhhh, today I can't lol. I'll be nice. 

~

Oh hey, cousins baby is back home. How very nice. I'm glad! Lil kids man. They'll wring your heart right out. I wonder what she is naming her.  Hope it's something sweet. 

Friendliness and affection is such a nice combo ngl. I like that it is my natural state when devoid of stressors. I like environments which propagate that too. Iss nice. One of the things I had loved so much early on was the vibe our group had. For all four of us it was something really great. Hope I find that again. 

~

Backhands were so good today. Honestly just felt nice. That other dude who comes by is so amusingly weird. Kept telling me don't play well don't play well. What a weirdo. Still, was fun. I can tell I've improved. Yaay. A year from now I'll be at a good level. Wooohooo! I soooo look forward to it!

Omg dolly parton passed away. Rip, what a legend. ♥️ A wonderful life, well lived

Yet again that same b4. I really like that man. And did I also see a g4?  Has someone been peeking at Sadler's games or are they innovating? 

Heh. Who knows. If only I could ask that question. After the ensuing tantrum subsides, maybe I'll find out how he figured that long ago ahhahahha. Oh man. He would totally throw one link my way saying see see I did it so many years back. Hahahhaha. I guess he and I treat learning very differently, I'm very objective about knowledge just being an end unto itself.  But I suppose the effort he makes is important to him, which I hadn't considered. I earlier used to feel puzzled about why is he so sensitive, which I still don't quite get but also he never really figured that I found it adorable. Plus I guess it can sound kinda dismissive, which wasn't the intent ever but yeah. I have more faith in him than he does in himself, that's a shame. Oh well. Cranky ol man, thou shall not know how fond of you I used to be. ♥️😬🤭

That opponent blundered mate though. Didn't even see it coming lol. Pussy. 

Omg peak assholery. I must say. On my part, but also theirs. But mostly me calling a 2800 a pussy. Muhahaha. Feels reckless.  I love it.

~

Lmc that game again. Atleast some chess is exciting. About time. Better than chess that's a cure for insomnia. 

~

Play me some good moves once in a while. 

~

I wonder if he was born during the morning, noon or night. Are night owls born at night? But I was born at 5 pm ish. See that's the best time. Nice Saturday evening, well rested. Hehe. He must have been one cranky baby 🍼 🐥, coddled by mom. It amuses me to think so. 

~

Eww neims hollering at fedex how utterly disrespectful and lame. What a profound loser man. Sheesh. No fucking class.

Meddy going I think I should start a career in pickleball is just peak hilarity. It's not too late. In doubles with jack sock. Hahahah. Just beautiful. 

Oh my god. I needed that laugh man. Oooh. 

~

Oh meds. Pls win uso or something just for kicks. Anyone but zverev pls. Carlitos in straights.

Mid day break after a long work sess. I am exhausted! Sitting in chairs for too long is very monotonous. 

Went out for a quick lunch too. What a good break...twas random but awesome. Work hard, play hard and soon you'll know nothing but happiness lol. 😤

~

Ignore all distractions. Straight upppp.

~

Omg where is my 2k ughhh. I gotta get it backkkkk. I'm just losing losing losing cuz well. NOT THINKING. 

~

Lmao. I'm toh straight up losing randomly ezpz. Fuck. That's crazy. 

~

This distraction thing is working tbh. Atleast I haven't thought about our conversation much today. And I suppose I'm just slowly leaving it aside. I had a thought about it though. I feel like people who grow up in massive conflict environments, esp women with abusive fathers...They kinda lose the ability to gauge red flags in people. And maybe I'm wrong who knows. I know that my world view men are nowhere close to this so I probably don't really get it. Like she has always dated the worst guys. I've been totally baffled by her complete lack of understanding of people. Anyway. I guess as long as he isn't violent and too bad it's okay? I felt a bit of uneasiness also today like ... Hmmm. Anyway, I guess it's best I stay away ... I said what I said. I'll simply apologise if I overstepped and leave it and move on. I don't think there's any reason to do anything else. A hearty good luck is in order. And if this friendship also tanks because of it then whatever. I do not wish to be in a space where that dude exists anyway. Like I have no interest in wasting my time around that moron. 17 years I've known her, treated her like a sister, seen her through a divorce and what not and she wants "context" for something objectively shitty he said because trying to find some excuse for his behaviour. Fuck that nonsense. 

~

Told brother about it and he is like... Be there for her if she needs you later and I'm like eeeyeah sure. It's honestly hard for me to take kindly to all this bullshit and idk I think I just want to focus on myself now, for the next year or two and get some stuff in order. I'd like to meet new people also, and do a bit more. 

~

Okay now lemme try and get back my 2k why did I lose so much zomgggg. 

~

I'm fine now. And I'm going back to an old fav. And you know what? I think I'm just gonna lazer focus on some stuff and block out everything and everyone. Time to take my mindspace back to myself. 

We cut the night

~

Oh hey baby! Right on cue... Hell yea! A good baseline. In music and sport. Just 🤌🏼

Where is my mind

I am up so damn early. Good. It's cold and nice outside and I'm looking forward to just hitting some balls today lol. 

~

I noticed that an old friend has moved to my city. Gave me a bit of a jump scare ngl. Did not expect that name to pop up. Heh. Well. Nvm. 

~

I think my life shall be very different in a couple of years. Best to just focus on what I want and that's it. Feels good to just define it like that. So let's take stock of that and enjoy ourselves. 

Ugh in this happy mood also I miss this fellow but fuck him also. 🖕🏼😸🖕🏼♥️

Everyone can suck it. Imma go play nicely now.  😸 My tan is also back lol. Like the good ol days. Berry brown.

Oh man... That thing he had said just made me laugh soooo much. But no fondness ever fuck him. Nyat, nein, nakko! 🙅🏼‍♀️🚫👎🏼

~

Note to self: Pangea

I think that would be a good start point. Let's use. 

I thought I'd be a lot more restless but I'm not. Interesting. I guess I've just come to accept everything. It feels like an important phase of life is ending but that's okay. I also feel like I have to put work in for a new, a better phase. And I suppose I just look forward to that now. That's the thing about work like... You can always just press pause on everything else in life and grind lol.

~

I think I can handle it. Whatever it is, it's not the end of the world and I think I have it in me to deal with whatever. I mean I'll just have to find the strength to lol. So I shall do my best. I know my instincts are not terrible so I'll defer to them here. 

~

Ugh. Whatever. I am deeply missing someone and I'm gonna keep that can of worms aside too lol. When stuff turns shitty from time to time one must just say eff it. Heh. Fine. 💪🏼 God give me the strength to not just melt for no reason. I wish to hold on to the melting only for people who make me feel like they value me, who make me feel important in their lives. And I want that to be of their own accord, because they actually wish for me to feel good and be there. Anyway. Even crying makes me feel dehydrated now. Such a pity. 

~

I never knew what Gondwana means. Wild. Now I do. Meh. I'll just watch some chess for a while. Sleep early and then just go play a lot. Atleast tiring myself out will feel good. Might need some cucumbers for my eyes though, they'll be puffy asf tomo morning. 

Okay, new day. Let's just put head down and do some work and chill and be mindful about moving forward. 

What a heavy day ya. Still kinda listless. Atleast tomo I can just work and forget about it all. I've been feeling horrid all day. Losing friendships sucks. And yet my heart isn't in it like. I just. Hopefully it all blows over maybe. Who knows rn honestly 

Morning now. Bunked tennis also today. Whew. I'm still reeling from last night. 

I'm still confused and unsure. I never thought that in life this would be a crossroad I had to navigate. That's just super weird for me. 

How do I in good conscience do this and what is the right path? What be the right thing to doooo?

~

I'm feeling extremely sad and Idk what to do with that. 

Idk. I think I'm just gonna keep to myself and do what I can in my life for a while. 

Played a lot and now took another pill like a heathen. Really need to sleep it off. Yawnssss. 

My body cannot even handle this much medication just decides to sleep it off lol. 

~

Ugh have to meet m in the evening and discuss issues lmao. God, after so long it's been this way. Well. I suppose coming clean and putting everything on the table might be the right course of action. Let's see what she has to say. Ugh. God I dislike confrontations sooooo much! Like SOMUCH. why can't the world just fix itself on its own? 😕

Bleh. 

~

Hmmm. I did tell her. She knows I don't like her bf. I know she felt super bad about some stuff. What I don't get is... Hmmm. Ugh. She is soooo into that dude man. Like. I suppose her mind is super tied to him. I feel like when someone shows a person care when they don't feel loved then it just gets too hard for them to see flaws. That's so tragic dude. But I suppose if she does genuinely feel loved then it's okay? Hmmm. Idk man. I legit don't. I guess the hope just is that he isn't too bad. Atleast not as much as I think he is. 

Love is a very strange thing. We insist on loving people who make us feel important and happy. Atleast some people do. The fear in this is always... What if the wrong person is being nice and we fall for them? Well. 

Heh. Life is strange what to do. Ironically, I too am holding out for niceness. But niceness in the real sense. 

How can she thinks a dude pretending to be deaf when she speaks to him is not doing it deliberately? " All other times he listens " like come on man. Wdymmmmm. 😭

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine ignoring a man I love cuz I'm busy with something. I'd just say hey gimme a min. That's not tough at all. 

~

I feel super duper confused man. I really do. And I don't feel great about this.  The sad thing is she used to tell me M is a terrible guy and super uncaring towards me. And she was right and I believed her. So I don't get how she doesn't see this in her own life. :( okay but that's unfair. M has never done a thing for me. C isn't thaaat uncaring. That's unfair for me to compare. None of this feels good tbh. And it's not like I don't miss M either, I do. So I get that sometimes we just care about people that are horrid to us lol. I know I've been super weak when it comes to him as well. Like super weak. But I did finally say enough is enough and walked away. And I still fear being weak when it comes to him tbh. I know that I genuinely miss him too. I wish that wasn't the case. Cuz... Internally... I want to feel like people that are special to me are my strengths. How I have wished I could say that M was the best person ever because he treated me with care and not someone who finally made me understand what being brown means. A statement I had never even conceptualized until I got to know him? Even as I type this I wish I was horribly wrong about it. Yet I didn't even recieve a half decent apology or a simple... Hey are you doing okay? So yeah, whatever. Fuck it. 

Heh. All I ever wanted was to know that people I care about are in my corner and would do the world for me. I want to feel safe in the knowledge that I'm safe with them. Oh well. We can't have it all, huh? 

I feel like crying sooooo bad, but you know what?  Fuck that too. 

~

People be puzzling yo. 

And it was so intense both of us had tears. Lol. In a brightly lit pub no less. Atleast for the right people these tears be flowing. Hehe. For once. Idk what the future brings but good luck to us all. Amen. 

Waking up at 2.30 am cuz pain. Taking a pill and now I'm completely so zonked even though it's morning. Ooof. 

~

To go or not to go? That issss the question 

Rock the Casbah

Cold, windswept, rainy. Bliss. Just needs a nice cup of hot hot coffee to feel cozy.

~

I don't know why cold and rain always reminds me of blackish rocks that are super old. Like those carved temples. With green moss on them and a tendency to slip and slide lol. Familiarity in memories.

~

I'm finding blitz surprisingly easy today idk why. Weird. I feel no resistance. Beat a 2100 also without much effort they just clean hung a piece. WEIRD.  I'll get to 2100 soon. Lost a queen and still got a stalemate wut man. People playing badly. I'm 2034 ish. Hmmm. Meh. Should manage. I like the number 2828 and that's 800 more points. That knowledge gap is wiiiild. Nice nice. It's good to know people can exist at such high numbers tbh. V cool. I'd be happy with 2300 I think. 

~

Why did I get the urge to hear this? No idea!

Rock! The Casbah!

As with all other songs I heard growing up....I did not pay attention to the lyrics whatsoever and now that I am zomg. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why does this always happen to me?

~

80s were wild yo. What an unhinged number lmao fuck me. Singing in front of a drill that too oh my hahahahha fuck. Just 🤌🏼

Stomach hurting so much but periods are still not here. Oof. I'm debating whether to go play today or just bunk it. But maybe a little workout might feel nice. Lmc. Uterus is in rebellion mode oh myyyy. 

~

Tennis has turned me into a banana aficionado. Ffs. Periods finally starting omg. Everything hurtssssss 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕

What do I love more? Reading, Writing, Chess or Tennis?😅

~

The correct answer is E - Music! 

~

It's super hard to choose though, I really do love them all, just music a shade more. 

~

I am 2k again, and beat 2100 something. Can do it again. Hehe. Watching magnus think and play actually helps dunno how but it does. It's soooo much easier when someone else plays though why even. 😕

I saw that guys friend playing. I want to be able to beat that rating tbh. I want like that 2300 ish. So it can feel as if atleast I'm somewhat decentish at chess. Imma get that if I have to see idk how many magnus games lmao. Passive learning of calculation is the only answer. 

~

That weird dream this morning kinda seemed like such an anomaly. There was this sense of venom directed at me in it that was unsettling. It's quite a feat to be surprised within a dream too. Hmmm. Subconscious mind just throwing up warnings I guess. Oh well. Feeling safe and at ease with someone is the most important. And I never have with this person. Noone in my life has ever treated me like that and so badly. 

Meh.🤷🏼‍♀️ At some point in life people need to be mature ya. Or don't. When someone is closing in on 50 and does this to you, then that's who they are. Whatever. 

As the polish say...Not my circus, not my monkeys. Or someone else says it. Heh. Idk. 

~

This one dude who plays tennis with me. Even in his gestures I find so much consideration that it immediately stood out to me. There's something so authentic about that. I liked that. It also sucks that I now notice this stuff. It points to a lack of care that I've been aware of for some time. That sense of just safety you feel with some folks like... It's an under current but you can sense it and you instantly know they are trustworthy. That's really good. He has a daughter he said that he drops to school and comes by and I suppose some part of it stems from that. Guys who are responsible sort of just do this stuff on autopilot.

And then I see how deliberately C also hurts M... It's very, very deliberate... That all consuming desperation he has to act superior to everyone. Baffling. Yeah, shitty people exist so let's give them a wide berth. Man, I have absolutely no respect for C anymore. Like complete rock bottom. Idk why she is ruining her life by marrying him, he is legit so obnoxious and repulsive. Ugh. Can't save someone who wants to drown I guess. Idk. Blah. 

Seeing all this bs, my mind is firmly made up that I'll only give my affection to someone who can show me the same and makes me feel safe. Top priority. 

~

Whatever. Until then let's just focus on ourselves, none of these detours in the memory bylanes. Let there just be dust unbroken. 

~

I think the next few years are going to be great and I look forward to it. 

~

So...what do I love? Tennis, reading, writing, chess, music and people that are funny, sweet and who make you feel safe asf. ♥️ Hehe. More of that, pls. And WARM SOCKS. ooof. How could I forget. Damn. Just a good pair is heavenly.

~

Oh hey. Games were easy today. Much fun. Nice nice. Gotta see some magnoose before bed and then imma sleep! 

" He's offering me a draw? Fuck off. Might lose the game but I'm not gonna take a draw." Lmao... Words to live by.  

How does maggu make everything look so darn easy man. Howwww. Par excellence. 🤌🏼

Up so early and it's so lovely just laying here in the cold room while the world is still. Ended up seeing some of this person's tennis for a few minutes. It was so oddly chill. Very rhythmic so felt nice. Sound of a ball smacked in the centre is just perfect.  Then I went 😤 what am I doing? And stopped. All at 5.30 am lmao. Hehe. I feel so peaceful right at this moment that I do not wish for it to end. Lol he smacked his own camera good good. 😬 

Ugh. Imma cuddle my pillow and sleep it off.

~

The odd thing about snoozing extra is the inevitable dream you remember. Mine rn was just for some reason an odd text going his way which was for someone else and had some guy's name and before I could delete my keyboard acts up and the navigation gets glitchy and he sees and sends me " cindy tinder 😘"lmaoo. With some other random cutting responses that are blurry... something about South Korea or Suzanna Clarke or such and then I'm just annoyed someone would even presume I'd intentionally send something wrong and double annoyed that they'd be so petty and then I woke up half grumps. 😭😂 

~

Haha, serves me right for that odd fond feeling I had. And for enjoying some peace and quiet how can the universe allow for that? 

Maaan, even in my dream he is some petty, vengeful fellow hahahahaa. Like the idea of a mature person is completely out the window here. Even my subconscious is like nah, no way! Oh man. Hah. That was low key funny just cuz it was sooooo annoying. 

The keyboard nav glitch was actually interesting. A very weird set up, nothing working quite the same. The second text was half gibberish and a bit norwegian idk where that came from. 

Dreams are weird, huh? No wonder people used to think of them as omens, they feel so utterly real in the few moments you first wake up. 

Oh well, dreams are dreams and fun when they are absurd, but irl one needs to be considerate and kind. I guess in retrospect it was a good idea to draw a firm boundary to only allow for that to show. It didn't, but that's what I needed to know. 

~

I want to beat some 2000s today just. 

Turbulence

I remember Skyroads every time I listen to synthwave. And it takes me back to a time I knew was just fucking infinite. 

How I chase that feeling even now. 

Turbulence

Even the cover is like Skyroads damn. Love it. 

~

Wash over me, why don't you? 

Some days have started feeling super tedious. I feel like if I'm not chasing some goal or something I feel listless. Even anything small just makes me feel energised. Routine work ends up feeling monotonous asf. Idk man. Just a bit too strange and bored at times. 

What I truly miss are genuine and good conversations. Like in depth ones.

Bro was showing me some colleague of his who is a chef on the side and does those home bakery pop ups. It was so nice. I feel like you gotta have some passion you wish to pursue on the side as you grow older. For some folks maybe kids are that project. Hmmm. 

Welp. It's okay. This too shall abate. The perpetual curse of a mid life crisis. Been having it for years now lmao. Ooopsies. 

~

Oh lordy lord Kyrgios doing lines lmao. I'm surprised he wasn't doing them earlier tbh. Comes as a surprise to absolutely noone. 

However, when I did see him play, he was definitely very good at charming crowds and kids in particular. I suppose events are his thing. Hmm. Wonder what statement he would give out. Probably just use it as an excuse for something or just be like oops. Heh. I'd bet on the latter. Responsibility isn't for everyone. 

~

Like a good little person I'm stopping at 1960. Look at me. So very good. 

Need to be a bit inspired. Maybe see some good games it's been agessss. I've become lax on chess tbh. Time for some magnus tt

~

Until then... 

Angel 

I'd forgotten this band even exists. 

Workin' on me! 

Woke up bright and early, went out to play, saw the traffic and took a u turn back lmao. Fuck. How very crazy it is at 8 am and why. 

Early risers ruin it for everyone. 

~ 

Heh...now I gotta wait around. Tick tock tick.

~

Wow I can still hear the traffic outside that's wild. Whatever happened. Maybe I should have just walked lol

~

Tracking my parcel in the post feels soooo nice lmao. It's chilling in France rn. I love the idea of post man. For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated by tiny articles just going around the world in their own merry time. How quaint. Hope my rakhi reaches bro before 28th! Hehe. I bought him Hello kitty that too. 🤭 Bet he would love it. 😬

~ 

lmc what's up with chess today. 

Time flies except at 3 - 5 pm wherein it stops and crawls. Jeez. August 18th already though wuuut. 

~

Hayden Panittere passed away. That's so shocking ngl. So young. Poor thing. :( rip. Some lives just get too wrecked, huh? 

I hope cousin and baby can come home soon. It's weird to think of a tiny baby in an incubator. :(  Little ones' first brush with the world.

These days I don't feel like sharing news like this with anyone anymore tbh. Just feel like if it's own family then should keep it sort of low key.

~

Had such a strange dream like we and by we I mean me and some other people who I don't know were trying to leave some place on a 'spring express' from like a matrix we were stuck in. It was weird and cool but we were thwarted! Oh no! What a weird dystopian world it was. Hmmm. Wish I could remember more it was super interesting. 

~

Wondering if I should go play today. Kinda tired but also it would be fun so idk lol. It's so sunny though oof. 

Waking up a tiny bit too early just makes me want to snooze for a while longer, but the brightness outside does not let me fall asleep. How I love this warm feeling of coziness under a light sheet in a cold room. Waking at 7.30 also feels too late now tbh.

Mmmhmmmmm. Okay maybe ten more mins. 😴

~

I look forward to today...work hard, have fun and then chill. Yummy! 

~

Welp. It's afternoon and I'm finding chess incredibly frustrating rn. Just wanting to snap at everything cuz the games were so bad. Geez. Total waste lol. 

~

Just one of those days huh

Yukky just realised its that awful dudes bday ugh. Wish him nothing but worms in his food. The only truly scummy human I've ever been with and god let maggots rain on his stupid face forever. Wish him nothing but the worst. 

~

The larger the distance from an event, the more you realise how messed up it was. A good thing about being in your 20s is that we never really took all this stuff too seriously and in retrospect that was a good way to navigate life lol. And I was left holding a bloody sheet like 💀

~

It was also the only time in life that I found someone so repulsive within a tiny span of time. Like a shiver down my spine and I was revolted at the thought of being in the presence of someone whose vibe was sickening. Such an anomaly to regular folks man. 

Never again yo. Heh. I guess one must have atleast one thing in life you truly regret doing, that would be it for me. The only silver lining I see is that now I know stuff like that exists. Meh. Whatever. 

A heartfelt bleaagh. 🤢🤮🪱

Heh, it's good to see keyboard kindly offering up worm emojis when you type vomit. I feel seen. ♥️

Loved playing today... Just loved it. It was so hot and dry. Everything felt like being in a desert. And somehow that felt great. My movement is better, some dude whose name I forgot rallied with me for a couple of hours and it was great. Fuck, I should not forget names. Lol...still. and watching those lil kids in their fitness gear was even better. All these folks are generally sweet and friendly. Esp that one dude who comes on the weekdays, he seems super kind and considerate. I really should remember names. 

That 11 yo who won the nationals was also there today. Damn he is good. Ugh. It feels sooo damn nice to see all this activity. Really, really love it. 

~

These little things bring me a lot of joy ngl. I'm so glad I decided to play and stuck it out when I fell sick, the injury and the myriad new aches and pains lol. And I'm glad I just find obstacles frustrating and not full stops. Shit. These little pockets of life feel nice. 

~

One of the cutest things I noticed is how tiny kids all go and make friends with other tiny kids who match their height lol. That is sooooo adorable. They don't talk to older ones but just like ducklings run towards their age folks. Oh my goodness. Just adorable. 

~

This was a good tennis week. I look forward to resting tomo and back on court next week. Going back to play has been a great decision, honestly. 

~

Why are all the buns I bought just squished 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

Aaaaa. Every one of themmmmmmm 😩😩😩😩😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Cousin delivered her baby yesterday evening it seems. I'm so happy for her!! Gave me a jump scare when she said she was planning the c section on 19th, so close to someone's bday lol. I have known too many august borns. But heyyy. She had it yesterday!! Wooohooo! I'm soooo happy for her. It's great news after so long! All the love and care for her. ♥️

~

Playing poople and blitz lol. After so long I've played blitz and my level is as shit as ever. Well. Tomo is a new day!

~

Omg. I'm so happy there's a new baby girl in the family tbh. May she have a lovely life, a blessed one, a safe one. 

Woke up so weary today. I really feel so bad. Spoke to brother also and like... I miss having him around so much. In general this down in the dumps feeling is existing inside me suddenly. I don't want to rationalise it either. Like talking to him yesterday and we were discussing parents and like ... Meh. I don't even want to think of it anymore man. 

~

I feel emotionally exhausted, I really do. 

All my life I used to wonder how adults can be so shitty. Now that I'm old enough to understand them, I still don't get it. I would never ever be this way, and I don't ever want to be like any of these people. Like fuck this bullshit man.

~

Pro tip in life... Never pick people that make you feel unimportant. They can all go to hell and stay there for all I care. People who don't prioritise me and show me loyalty... I'm just done with that.

:(

Maybe tomo is a nicer day, who knows 

Watched a game against a 2800 and saw analysis also, and man. Without any blunders it's still hard to win. And b4 in that position. Never seen it before. Was so fun tbh. Just throwing a pawn in the queen's face lmao. Suck it, Queenie. 

That really felt nice to see.

~

I'm feeling soooooo emotional today man. Just sooooo eems. Missing folks left and right, esp brother. Ugh.... Everything feels so sentiiiii. Ai ai aiiiii

~

Losing all games also back to back. I'm so sad rn. I want some tlc.

~

Lol... Some pic of neimann at a piano with the most idiotic expression + a tennis 🎾 toy came up and I'm just like. 😅 Atleast it made me laugh. Just peak fuckery. This weird tennis obsession these guys have makes me think it's all fake and for views. No skill, just noise. Now in piano. 

Federers bday today! Lol. Wonder if he weeps when he cuts his cake. 😬 Hehe, just so fond of him man. Everytime his face pops up somewhere I'm just like naaaah. Kids of today do noooot compare! Hehe. ♥️

There's always some clowns in chess who will play a piss poor game then start harassing in chat and calling you a cheater like. Jesus. How fucking lame do you need to even be? 🙄 Not even smart enough to run analysis to see how badly they played. I just hate it so much tbh. 

Sheesh. People like this really irritate the fuck out of me. Ruins every game. 

No creatine and I feel so much better today zero headache or dehydration. Useless substance. Good I'm ditching it. 

~

Man, I have to legit give some credit for some of the life changes I've made like no drinking, more discipline etc in a teeny way to M. He made me want to be more responsible. Hehe. I still remember when I first came around him and realised a few things which kinda made me want to grow up. I didn't really give a shit about anything properly before that. I suppose being responsible towards someone is a very ingrained part of my love language. Even watching him be sooooo sensitive made me feel shocked at first, but then it made me want to be sweet to him and kinda baby him lol. Not in a way where I thought less of him, but more in like... 'hey I do think well of you, why don't you see that?' Kinda way. I was fairly protective of him. And lord knows I would noooot have been that patient with anyone else. 

But it's not a good thing to have to lower standards to accomodate someone's behaviour. I would not have thought highly of anyone else if they behaved like that. That's true too, I am used to people that are free and open, and honest to a large degree. I suppose that's as good a reason to have walked as the many others he presented me lol. Maybe some people come by to trigger a change in you, which can be a good thing. Changes can stick, even if you can't. Oh well. He can have a happy life with his tinder and his urge to devalue everyone I guess. 

~

Lol. I started the thought with wanting to give him credit but then like... Eff that. I'll change for myself and be responsible for me. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🙄🙄🖕🏼🖕🏼I'm sure his twitch girls and whoring around will suffice in that dept, no need for me to unnecessarily give any. Meh.

Yeah well. If I had ever done all the shit he did, I'm sure the hatred would have been through the roof so despite it all, I'm deffo still a lot kinder than anyone else would have been, if the roles were reversed. Ergo there's room for more spitefulness 💪🏼😁. 

I just don't hate him enough, or at all for that matter. I think that's what I actually hate... That I don't dislike him much lol. Ugh. I know that this urge to poke and needle definitely means I still give a shit. Heh. Well, the day I don't, I'll simply forget him entirely. I don't yearn for that day, if I had, it would have been here already. Against my better judgement ofc. 😬

~

I used to be this naive kid who felt like I should only love someone once, properly. And I refused to give my heart out to just anyone. I've never been all in towards anyone tbh. And then life happened and it taught me about my own naivety. How very sad. I hope my periods are round the corner, they are a tad bit late this time. Probably explains the urge to weep also hehe. A sprinkle of sadness which is a lie cuz it's just hormones. How I try to stand outside myself like an observer sometimes. Yeah well, I'm not very emotive irl so atleast I can keep this space for my dramatics. Noone ever knows how I feel anyway. 

~

And so it goes, as vonnegut had reminded us. 

~

Periods just arrive already pls... Being emo is a drag. And missing people also sucks ass 

Remembered my brother and just started crying lol. Miss him sooooo much! Maaan. Legit just miss him lots!!!

😕😕😕😕😕😕😕

Up so early, had to check if I was dreaming. It's soooo cold outside I need to just be in my cocoon rn omgggg. 

Shhhh world! Gniiite

~

Awake again and still I'm up before my alarm goes off. 💪🏼 Birds and me. Chirp chirp chirp

~

Omg tennis is love. It was such a beautiful sess my goodness me. I loved it so damn much. Ooof. I like that cone thing, easy peasy get the right shots. What a beautiful game though. Like just. Mama mia!

Fuck this creatine supplement. Midday and I'm already developing a headache, it just dehydrates me so badly. Bleh. Never again yuckky.

~

Wow it's raining again. I suppose the seasons really have shifted. Pouring and so dark outside. Water is good.

Every tiny bit of pain and ache and twinge has gone away. After months I feel so springy and sprightly rn. Too bad tomo it'll all come back in some shape or form. 

The decision to rest and recover was a good one in hindsight though...I'm glad I took some time off. Really feels like there's an underlying adaptation process that also happens with rest. I don't feel the same set of aches again most times. Let's see if the theory holds. Hehe. Oh well. Tis what tis. 

~

It's morning now and it rained so much last night. Good, we needed it tbh. Miss old days here when the weather was just perfect year round. 

~

Yaay for good rallies. How very fun it is. 

Once more this dude played all the moves I was thinking of and then lost! Zoop! 

Ugh. Bummer. It's just annoying when that loss suddenly happens tbh. 

I need a nice solo trek. Maybe this weekend. It's been ages since I went up a hill! And the weather is great for it. Even the comic strip exhibit looks great! 

Yearning for some nature and art! I wish people start like an art and hiking retreat somewhere out of town. I think it'll be a great way to just recharge. Mostly just craving peace and sanctuary from the hustle of the city. Be a wonderful way to live ngl.

~

Omg I got in such a nice checkmate ooh la la. Damn. 🔥

" I don't know what they are called. The spaces between seconds. But I think of you always in those intervals."

What a pretty thought, and such a lovely way to express it. And then I tried to look it up and a blog from 2008 came up. And then it said... "17 years ago." 💀

Way to ruin it, huh?

~

Having said that, I guess never really realised how old fashioned my values are tbh. Just now I was thinking about something and it's kinda later in the night and I just feel this sense of affection towards that thought. Kid me was always zooping towards everything futuristic. But the now me is stable and slow underneath that urge to banter and learn new stuff etc. I like that. I'd also like to consolidate that over time. Well, time is all we have. It's a privilege to be alive. I'm glad I get to be here right now and I hope I always am. And it's a privilege to feel affection and to read the line above and know how sweetly it just fits in my life experiences, that I can both understand and appreciate it for what it is. 

 Everytime I'm in the 1900s people just play so poorly like it's such simple calculations that we all do wrong. It's embarassing ngl. I do the same as well. Soooo often. Not embarassed enough tbh. Should be though. Shame.

 💪🏼 Pains are backkkk! Heh. I totally get why that guy was always hobbling about and sitting on chairs haha. Fuck. Oh well, just gotta get used to it. It'll be fine in a while. More stretchinggggg

All my aches and pains have subsided. I wish to enjoy this 12 hours of bliss before I go play tomo and come back with a new collection of aches and pains because why not? A brief interlude, if you will.

La vie est belle, until it isn't. 😬

~

How good it feels to twist and turn in any direction I please without whinging and something twitching though. Ooof. 

~

Oh well. Atleast I can play again, that's good. 

🎉 

Mondays are back! Good good, back to routine. Always a nice feeling to fall back on ♥️

~

Oh my god some account just popped up on my feed and I was wondering why this beefy dude is popping up. And turns out it's some thirsty trappy guy talking about being single and loving his kid and showing his abs in every post. And D follows him. Hahahahaha fuck. Oh my goodness! I can't stop laughing at this maaaan. Fuck. And that dude is sooooooooo scammy... Just removing shirt and playing some oh 'woe is me look I'm such a nice guy' bullshit. 

I can toooootally imagine her wanting to trade her husband in for this dude and then adopt his kid to feel like the wonderful self sacrificial woman she wishes to pretend to be. Oh the fantasies that get us through the day, eh?

Ahahahhaha ohhhh mannnn. Men fall for all these scammy accounts but women falling for the same is equally hilarious. Oof. 

~

Heh. A good laugh to start the day. 

🥢 love

Periods are closing in on me and giving me a craving for chocolate since the last two days. It's the only time in the month that I feel like I want something sweet. Not even sweet tbh. I hate sweet, but just that depth of cocoa 😻 

And so I find myself with a slice of cake in my chopsticks, dipping it in cold milk and just marvelling at how cool Asians must be to have figured out how to eat with two sticks. They are just so damn versatile. 

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Esp for a person like me that hates touching a snack with my hand. It's just the best. 

Even the dipping is just right oof. 

~

Life is good. Simple, no frills and sweet. Nay. Chocolatey.

Little things make me the happiest!

~

Lmc clue and check how far away they be tbh. And also google luteal phase while I'm at it cuz wtf why that app throwing fancy words at me? 

Who names a period tracker clue anyway? Clue to solving the 'why you crave chocolate and wish to weep while watching silly films?'

Lmao I just got bullied into accepting laddoos. 😂 I don't even eat them and pointing that fact out simply led to a why not? Hahahhaha fuck. 

Old ladies just straight up nicely veto you into doing what they want you to! Oh boy! 

Sade

 Kiss of life

90s was hands down the best decade ♥️

~

Have I lost interest in chess? Or am I simply sucking cuz I suck? 😭

I am listlessly playing. Now I don't wanna

Dream journal

Having such strange dreams also. They feel so real as they dissolve and I wake up. I'm in some house, it's like a bungalow with large gardens while I'm packing and I have a smaller sibling who is being bratty. Place reminds me of those older structures with plants from long ago. Esp those old fashioned large leafed plants that kinda sprawl about. And while we are packing, I am just throwing things in a suitcase cuz why not. I've left it till the last minute. And the younger kid has done something wrong idk what, but it irritates me. So then I go and shout at her. I pull at her pigtail and the rubberband comes off, and I tell our mum that she has been doing that something she wasn't supposed to. I know she has been bratty all day and just giving everyone attitude. Finally I look at her and I realise she is about to cry. I melt a bit and then I just scoop her up and decide to ask her what's up. For once she also doesn't start throwing a tantrum and then just starts clinging to me. I sense something is wrong so I want to ask her what it is but instead I first say I'm sorry. For pulling her band out. It was a small thing but that makes her cling more. So I walk to the garden with her, hoping the sunshine makes her feel better. And ask her what's up. And she goes... Mom and dad don't talk and noone gets to talk badly about mom and it angers her and she is also sad. So I just give her a big hug and promise her noone will talk badly of her mum ever. She complains about her dad never speaking to her about anything, but I know he is sad so he doesn't know what to say and she is too small. I can feel her hurt and angst though. I feel like we are cousins at this point? Idk. Something. And while she clings I decide to let her be as long as she needs and tell her she can pack all her fav things with her. And give her as much reassurance as I can. Hopefully she could feel it through the hug, I tell myself. Then the dream begins to dissolve. Right in that garden as I'm wishing this little kid feels better. 

~>€[

And now I'm awake and wuuuuut was thaaaaat? Lol. I don't even know. 😂

Could literally feel the desire to make this kid feel at peace right as I wake up and whooooo was it? 

~

Dreams are so funny like faces make sense in them but outside they don't. Well. Atleast I hope the dream kid felt a little reassured. Sorry for snatching at your pigtail little one. Idk why but I'm glad I led with an apology, I feel like hurt folks sometimes just lash out but they need you to understand them more than retaliate at their inability to deal with stuff. 

~

Maaaan. 

There's nothing in the world as precious as little kids and hurt kids who can't articulate it just break my heart yo. Like. I wish I could prevent any and all kids from being hurt I wish that was possible. Such a bummer that is.