Year ending

I started this year as such a fearful person. I still remember January, and my birthday time and how completely scared I was of hmmm... Well so many things. Literally like petrified. Felt like I was navigating through a cold storm perpetually. I was scared of M too. Of his anger and his indifference both. And him being unkind to me. Idk why I used to think he would be? Think all the tinder convos of that time made me feel like he thinks of people as disposable and interchangeable. And in general men I've seen who are players tend to view your affection or care for them as validation and a bragging point but not necessarily anything they give a shit about. Plus that fuckwad A had just driven my self esteem into the ground by then. Chutiya. I recall back in uni when he wanted to brag to folks about losing his v card so he lead on some girl and had sex with her, dumped her the next day and then just went around showing off about how he did it and left her hurt and crying. All that hurt just made him feel relevant and he would even brag about how much she wanted him while he didn't care. Fuck man, how bloody cruel can some people even be? Can't believe I dated him yuck. Only person in the world I regret being around. And after him, I didn't wanna show how vulnerable I was to anyone I suppose. So many other fears too. Of being irrelevant. Of being seen as inadequate, cuz my mind used to constantly tell me if you aren't perfect, you are nothing. These had nothing to do with him ofc, but more to do with life and how it had been for a while. But I'm not fearful any longer. Of any of those things. Plus my perception of his anger gave just made me assertive and gave me that push to be vocal and firm when I need to be. And to do that I had to first learn to value my own emotions and feelings in the first place. I'm becoming human lol. Hehe, I act like a goofball around him most times now though, I don't think I've even shared my more mature sides ever, and honestly who cares, they'll rise to the occasion of need be, until then I can be an unencumbered doof. I wonder if I could share this with him someday. Not sure if it'll make sense though, it's not as if I've ever given him a peek into my mind. 

So many lessons and changes along the way for me. One constant has definitely been my affection for him throughout though, it's what helped me actually overcome all the other negative mindsets I had cuz I felt like on balance that affection should be given more imp than any dumbass fears. In any equation really. Not just him, I think if I feel like a person is worth changing for, I will happily struggle along until I make those changes. Actually he has changed a lot too. A lot calmer, freer and I guess somewhat more open too. I feel so relaxed in his company now. I don't have to think twice before saying anything, I can just trust it'll be fine. Or like if we do have a fight, we will figure it out and it won't be the end of the world. Guess this means somewhere inside me an innate sense of trust has developed and I'm assuming it has for him to. Might be nascent but I'm sure it's there now. Who knows, maybe someday he might even ack when it's a fight and not just him being "busy" lmao. Such an ass. Darling you gave the game away in your very first show vid, and I am sure you didn't realise it then and you don't even now. I straight up understood something v fundamental about you right then hehe. Buuut, it's cute and baby steps lol. 

This was like an emotional marathon to find and maintain a steady state. I'm glad I've made it to the finish line, that's all I can say. Fear is basically like an internal resistance you build up to doing xyz things. Atleast in its essence. Which is why it's so annoying to me maybe and I keep waging war against it. It's a preventative emotion, and roadblocks irritate me at a very fundamental level. 

Felt like I was living out the Wizard of Earthsea in real time. Sometimes I wanna give my past self a hug. Like a big, tight hug and tell her it's all gonna be okay and she can relax and just enjoy the ride for a while. Don't have to be in the driver's seat all the time, can just sit by and watch the landscape as it appears. That's nice too, just to be the observer and lean into life as an experience and not a battle to be won. I don't think there's a set path anyone should follow. Or only one path to an outcome. You can meander in the knowledge that the scope of the world is way bigger than you can imagine, and as you move along, you might discover a lot of new things which you didn't think of. Plus, the joy of discovery is a pleasure forever.