Fuck dude... I never realised how crazily paranoid you gotta be to do that job. What the fuck. Dayum. That way it's just crazy and what a completely insane way to have to live life. Fuck. I've literally never had to question anyone. Lmao in fact I should have a bunch of times in life and I didn't, in this kinda stuff I'd just get suckered and how. Craaaazy. 

Hmmm. I guess I understand it to some extent too. Can't still be okay with not being trusted though, I mean it is what it is. There's something v horrible about having your integrity under a scanner when you haven't done anything wrong. I hate that, quite possibly one of the very few things I just loathe. Just feels outrageous to have someone's back always and then be seen as someone to be kept at bay. And like it's so icky to even say things like hey I'm actually good. Like who does that? You gotta be able to discern that for yourself and if you still doubt it then there's no more to be said. There's no real equation that can anyway be built on suspicion and it's just fucking uncomfortable when you know everything you do is under a scanner. I just hate that shit so much. But whatever, I get it also I suppose. In all this how do you even decide though? Like... I actually don't know. Man, what a shit position to be in. Hmmm. I guess it comes down to leap of faith. I took one with him, despite all the shit people would say. I know how paranoid it made me at that time, but I got over it. And I was there for him and would do it again if I have to. Lol, I even gave him my number that day, it was just my way of trying to show I trust and believe him. Kinda juvenile of me maybe, lol. But I also am clumsy so I don't quite understand how to communicate trust any other way. Lol, being there silently and supportively is the only way I know how to show it, I can't word these things. My love language is acts of service, it's what I find the most comfortable to demonstrate I guess. Even as a kid, whenever I wanted to be friends with someone or liked them I'd just offer to share my toys cuz I didn't know how to say come let's go play. And I was vv shy so I'd stay quiet and hope we become friends lol. And get hurt if they didn't and then just quietly go home and leave them alone. Lmao. I was a total baby. I still am a total baby when it comes to this stuff. And I sulk lots when I feel hurt too. So possibly just comes down to that. It's not as if I have nothing to lose either, trust isn't something that comes easy to me. My life is important to me too. Nor do I willingly share myself with anyone easily but I did take a chance on him. Yeah, I don't regret it. But yes, definitely takes time to whet I guess. Fucks. I'm glad I waited and I'm glad I didn't just disappear the few times I was so mad and hurt that I just wanted to say fuck it and go. I do value him lots and I don't want that to change. Lol, what a weird ass thing to have to even think of na. I genuinely wish there wasn't any need for all this paranoia tbh. I hate it, I hate having to look over my shoulder or try to second guess what people mean etc. even though I guess it's a useful skill. :( I'm a lil sad about this ngl. You should have been my neighbour or something lol. Then no need to be so skeptical. I don't even want to think of what all he might have had to be skeptical about. Lmao, and I nicely used to get mad and rant when I wanted to. I don't think I was off base so I hope he can understand why either. It's like some random invisible wall that exists because the world sucks so you are forced to create one. 

You know...I'm so scared of even saying I value someone these days. I never had that issue growing up. But that time I used to feel like everything was my fault and everyone else was always right. So I used to simply not even realise the times I got fucked over, I just assumed it was me who was the problem and I have to do better. And I guess that's left me bruised quite often. At the back of my mind there's always this one thought - what if I decide to say I do and then just get fucked over? Lol, if only you understood me enough to know how scary I find that. And how hard it was for me to come to the point where I genuinely now do. I always used to be broken into two. Part of me that implicitly agrees to believe, and the other part that's like okay now that I've said it, I won't ever question it so don't fuck me over. Cuz I can't live in the middle state of saying yes I do and then look over my shoulder or analyse everything anyway. I won't do that. And I don't do that now either. It took me effort to get here though. Lol, so whatever don't ever fuck me over please, I'll be hurt beyond measure. And I will never find the words to actually say any of that out loud so I'll just slink away cuz I can't do more pain and unhappiness again. I've had enough pain and unhappiness to deal with, I'm done with all that shit. I've never allowed myself to be deliberately vindictive but what that meant was that I had to absorb a lot of hits without retaliation. But somewhere along the way it dawned on me that choosing not to harm someone isn't the same as allowing them to destroy you while you stand by. But it's time I also catch a break. Esp now that I'm recovered, I will not let anyone destroy my peace, no matter how much I love them. And in my own way I do love you. That's actually also true. It's why I try to give you little glimpses of my friends and try being transparent about who I spoke to and what was said etc. It's just my way of idk... keeping things open. Even though you don't ask so it feels a bit strange to say it anyway, but I don't like keeping secrets so I try to share whatever I feel was imp atleast. Like the other day I wanted to tell you how irritating I find it when that other dude tries to portray me as someone who is in on his flirtatious schemes when I've never once done that. And I backed off talking ages back and he still makes it seem like that and it's probably trivial but I hate it cuz I don't like anyone staking a claim to me that way. Plus he is a decent donor so obv I don't want to say anything rude and I won't, I'll ignore it and laugh it off, but yukky can't say I like it. And if I try to bring it up unasked it'll just sound so fucking stupid so I don't. Such random nonsense lol.

It's amazing how I can never really bring myself to pick easy paths, huh? Lolol.

Ehhhhhh. 

Okay forget it, I don't wanna think of all this shit. No use letting imagination run wild, it'll just make me go into some random flights of silliness that serve no purpose. People can fuck you over whether they are brand new or if you've known them for years it's not some set in stone thing just gotta be able to discern well who falls under which category. I've first hand experience here. Trusted a friend for years and one day he woke up and told me he sees no value in me, and then proceeded to stalk me relentlessly, no apology, no actual acknowledgement of his shitty actions but just straight up made me the bad person and proceeded to shit on me relentlessly. People just do these things. And I remember those wife beater type lines he gave me..." you made me say it, I didn't want to but you asked ". Lol. What a joke. Blah. Shit happens. And I don't let myself think about people once they cross a certain threshold. I didn't with him and I won't with anyone else either. Anyway. Not gonna waste time thinking about all this. Fuck this depressing shit. 

Hope to see the Russian score a date lol. Let's focus on that instead, much nicer. :D Nice of him to apologise too. Shows he knows the line, that's sweet.