Man, some days this boy is like a lil kid and others he is so intimidating. That's an interesting spectrum. I've v rarely known anyone I consider intimidating tbh. But with him, there are certain moods of his, and certain ways of just switching into being serious that's quite unshakeable in him. I wonder if he is aware of that. I wonder how many people see him that way. Idk why I at times just feel like a child when I see him in that mode. That's so weird cuz I'm a full fledged adult lolol. Like today he is serious, and I think he might have put the last few days to actually brushing up on stuff cuz he seems serious about getting on that board. So no fooling around. Hmm actually I find it intimidating cuz I feel like in those moments he is in total control and I don't like feeling ummm.. helpless? Idk how to put it. There's something here I'm not correctly interpreting. What do I find intimidating here? Okay there's deffo something I want to understand it. 

Ugh. And that question he asked during that lecture, why did I just default to giving the stupid answer. I actually knew instantly what should be played but then felt wtf what if I'm wrong and then didn't say it. Why do I hate being wrong? I need to route out this feeling too, and not make jokes to deflect. I end up hating it later. Hmmm. Fine, I'll be sincere when it counts from now. 

Ugh. What is the intimidating bit though? I'm still unable to articulate. He is literally humming rn lmao but still. Is a part of me still afraid of him? Or some bit of him? Idk. Interesting. Vvv interesting. I'll think about it later. 

Anyway, no more reacting from a place of intimidation. In any avenue in life. I'm not letting any weird weakness reside in me. 

Ugh... Actually I think I hate that I don't know enough chess. I hate that. I hate sucking at something and I hate being bad at it and I hate it so much that I don't even want to ack it. And if I ack it then it will mean I can't excuse not putting in effort. DILEMMA 

Regardless. I should not be intimidated by him not after all this time. 🚫