It dawns upon me why I found him intimidating. Hmmm. Interesting. Wonder if all that has changed or no yet. Probably has. It's kinda always tough to separate the parts that are my inner perceptions with someone's actual intent too at times. Was reading some post today about how someone was traumatised and her actions had root in fear and how her partner was patient with her forever until she overcame them. Some bits did resonate. I never really have used the term trauma ever but yeah, I think in some sense I was definitely very harmed by a lot of stuff and that led to a sense of unacknowledged vulnerabilities. Still, it's okay it's life. Gotta deal. I have a feeling he too has had his share of stuff to deal with, which he doesn't openly talk of but I do get a sense of it. Hmm. I want him to feel safe with me though, I hope he does. Sometimes it feels like he has tiny bursts of trust then just gets shy/paranoid about it and stops himself before he shares too much of himself. I hope in time he is able to be open, these things should be natural and people should never be rushed or made to do something they aren't comfortable with. That's one lesson I've learnt and I'm more than happy to give everyone all the time they need too. 

+ He is all grown up these days. Which in itself can also be intimidating in its own way but I really love it too. Feels like he is becoming a lot more steady and calm and that's something I find comforting. He isn't an easy going person mostly but he is so adorable at times like he would work 5+ hours then suddenly remember to play one song. Tiny, tiny ways he puts in effort. It's his way of being thoughtful I presume. Good thing I can spot them too, I probably spot a lot more than he thinks I do as well lol. I guess our ways of making an effort might be very different though. Idk. Remains to be seen. Meg had long back asked me what I like in him cuz she didn't think he made any effort for me back then. I didn't really have an answer then but being around him always made life feel kinda sweeter and it had been ages since I just felt comfortable and myself and I value that so much. And I was also in a space where I didn't want to be rushed or chase something I just wanted to be and relax and I guess all those things matter to me. I used to have this weird demand that the other person do the right thing all of the time and whenever they didn't, I'd interpret that as a lack of care. But I've come to realise it's such a burden to put on someone unasked. It's like I'm asking them to be perfect while I see myself as imperfect so that led to a lot of flawed perspectives. That's so wrong, I understand it now. And likewise I'm sure I must have been hasty in my perception of him in some areas too. I have always been a bit too keen in presuming the other person doesn't give a shit about me. Lol. I don't think that's true at all in this case though. And in his own way he has been patient and kind with me too. Hehe, sometimes impatient also but I guess he couldn't say anything outright so it just came out as temper but who cares all that is okay. Presuming the other person doesnt care can sometimes lead to you trying to test that theory and act out to get a response right? I don't think I did that, but my tendency to retreat and be silent can be interpreted as that maybe. Except in my head it was more like ok I've done a lot so I'll take a break and let me see if you reach out. And if you don't then that also affirms in my mind that you simply are cold towards me. Or telling me you are busy lol. God I hate that. But yeah, it may not be lack of care that makes someone act that way, could be multiple other things. Just sucks when your mind is only looking for negatives, should avoid that. I need to feel like I matter, it's important to me. And in healthy equations both people should be able to openly state that the other person matters to them I don't think that should be a question on either side or something that needs conflict to be tested out. It should just be stated outright, and with confidence, and happiness, and security. 💕

I don't mind being the primary one that cultivates safety and reliability in any of my equations tbh. Think I understand peoples' vulnerabilities enough to try and make a cozy cocoon for them to feel good and know they are loved. I like it when that's appreciated and in turn someone can bring in a sense of happiness and openness with me, it gives me a sense of groundedness when I know I'm trusted and relied upon I guess. Those are kinda my strengths. Not very glamourous I suppose, so it's not easy for most folks to spot or appreciate about me. Hehe, I view myself as an emotional construction worker of sorts I suppose. I'll steadily build and lay foundations and do the work and I like it when people who get the benefit of that bring in their own version of appreciation for it. 

Kinda like that tiger monk thing I found I feel like it can be used as a base to depict zen mode of sorts. Strength and restraint, both used as needed. Balanced in its essence. That's how I view life, it's not about controlling others it's about defining your own self. There was no sense of being on edge in that pic, that's what I loved about it. 

I'll try making it let me see if I can. Will be fun. I'll try tonight maybe.