Idk what it is about the new year beginning but I have this sense of gloom that has just crept in for some reason I do not understand. Maybe I'm just nervous or something idk but feels extremely strange cuz I have no clue what the source of it is. Hope it passes soon. 

Ugh. The problem with an overactive mind is that sometimes it just truly wants to fuck with its own self. I'm great 95% of the time but that 5% when I feel scared or worried, I'll just straight up imagine the worst outcomes and idk it's like what Rowling said about dementors in HP, it's a good analogy for fear and depression cuz it legit just sucks out all warmth from life when you feel that way. For me, it feels more like my internal landscape is just cold and arid except that I'm seeking warmth. Anyway, blah. Idk why I'm acting this way today, probably just bored so fucking with myself. I need to drive myself away from seeking outcomes in life instead turn towards learning and liking the journey. A lot better as an approach and then I don't think of 10001 ways how if I want something I'm doomed to be denied it in some 100 diff ways. I think that's another roadblock I face mentally, just self sabotage out of fear of winning/attaining goals. Whatever imma defeat this shitty mindset too, it's not going to be a burden I carry perpetually. Suck it.