Just realised how much people fucking whine on and on and on sometimes. I'm the one pmsing and yet everyone else is crying. Ffs. 

But I kinda get that boy too. I mean, I honestly don't have words for how messed up it is that he puts himself through so much pain. Is he really that terrified of being alone? Poor thing man. I genuinely hope luck favours him and he find a solution out of the blue. He needs that. I'm glad M has also started being nicer and kinder to him. He always was but now it's a lot softer and I like that. He is also growing as a person and it's nice to see. A lot more balanced too now, as well as just calmer. Especially these last few months. I kinda get that boys' attachment too, unhealthy as it is. Even I find it tough to detach from people I care about and I did spend a number of years in toxic friendships in the hopes the other person changes. And some can maybe but a lot of the times you have to simply put an end to it. And I'm v possessive too so I get wanting to try hard to make someone change I've done that as well. But once I finally shed that urge, it was the most liberating thing ever. It finally put me on the path to actually being good and solid and happy and it took forever to even get there. Even the beginning of 2023 I was quite messy but I'm glad that's behind me. That's why I keep wanting to help him cuz in some sense I do understand deeply that feeling of not being loved and cherished by someone and then wanting to earn that love. I'm glad I stopped doing that atleast and I hope he does too. And the loving ones will simply make your life more wholesome. I think I do that for others too now, atleast I hope I do and I hope they do feel that steadiness in me.  What that fish dude said is right, people you are with are a reflection of you. For once, I'll be glad to be with someone that's a reflection of me. I think it honestly would be wonderful lol. I've always had this inkling that the right people help you grow, change and become better versions of yourself and I think in that regard atleast I'll be a great partner to someone and someone like me would be a great one for me also. Not exactly me, but someone complimentary to me. That's a nice thought. :) and one thing I'm damn sure of, and it got cemented for me today when I saw that question too... I will not be anyone's option. Like no. Just reading it made me recoil a bit and while I didn't expect any clarity to come about, I knew right then that I will not settle for being an extra to anyone ever. It definitely triggers my insecurities though, but I've come far enough to know that not only do I want something that's just mine, I also know that I deserve to have someone who makes me their priority and treats me with that level of care. As I would the same. And I think I do deserve clarity and openness too. I won't ask for it though, the one time I did the response was nothing short of brutal to hear, so I'm not doing that again ever. This stuff people should be able to figure out on their own. Anyway, I hope this is the year where everything falls into place for me. 

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I wanna do something fun and chill. 

Lol, need to remember how to play chess again I'm on a massive losing streak. Sheesh. I've become SLOOOOWWW. 

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Aaaa

Losing losing losing. Fuck it. I'm so done.

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