Finishing work early just leaves me with so much time in the evening. It is really nice and also a bit unsettling lol. I'm finding it very hard to not be busy. Mind just keeps feeling a void ffs.

Decided to check out one of MIT's psychology lectures out of curiosity and lmao they have vector calculus on the board behind them. So funny somehow. Been forever since I used vectors. I have such a deep interest in psychology though. People just fascinate me to no end. M says I keep analysing people and that's true, I think I just have an unconscious habit of doing that. The trouble with it, which I realise now - is I end up giving a lot of leeway to people when I should not because I imagine I understand the reasoning behind their behaviour. I have to stop that and only go by what they choose to say or do, no more no less. Otherwise it's just a recipe for disaster. Like there are ten reasons in my mind rn too which explain a certain something and yet the only thing I should objectively give weight to is what's in front of me. Funny thing is I'm not really mad anymore I'm just blah. Don't really have the energy for conflict or anything tbh. I guess that's one good thing, once the hurt abates, I tend to just detach from the memory of it. Must be my way of protecting myself.  Someone pretending to be indifferent towards me at some point used to make me very uncomfortable, but today I just see it more as yeah ok you do you. In my own way I guess I've turned some corner wherein I feel like I should not bother so much with stuff people do. Life is short, I don't want to be angry at anyone nor do I want to feel sad or insecure. I do miss you though, and I genuinely wish you'd not treated me this way. :( What else can I even say lol. I don't hate you or anything, nor do I have some ill will or demands or any of that, I just like things to be sweet and simple and clean. Hehe, cuz I'm all three of those things and I find safety and love in that. You once told someone I may or may not be sweet lol. I am though, too bad you couldn't see it. Maybe you never saw anything nice in me, I don't recall a single time that you said anything to me that would be a compliment haha. Oh well. Tis what tis. But life is short you know. You should make sure people you give a shit about know that you do, one day they'll all just die. That's a cold hard fact. It's not something I'm being dramatic about. It was my aunt's one year death anniversary recently and she died barely into her 40s. It's crazy how life can just change. And idk it made me think that.... Ugh. I don't want to say. But all this ego, and stubbornness and what have you. All of that will only leave you isolated and eventually it's just a battle of one. I know somewhere inside there is a decent man in you, I just wish you'd learn to take care of people better. 

Anyhoo, I fundamentally believe one should be happy and moping about something after a while just feels silly. Like so what if someone doesn't care? Life isn't going to come to an end over it. So why lose my smile? I shall not. Suck it. 

I hope someday someone makes half as much effort for me as I do for them, I would truly, utterly love that. ♥️😬🤷‍♀️