I knew a lot about NPD but now reading a bit more about BPD and wondering if some of the folks I've known have displayed these symptoms. Lmao this is one fucking deep dive I should noooot have started but now that I have I find it so damn fascinating. Istg psychology is so unbelievably interesting to me. 

It says BPD is more common in women atleast diagnostically, and I've wondered if Di and L have some form of these. I've spent a lot of time around few women with extreme emotional tendencies and, sometimes I do wonder about this. With Di, I sense the amount of rage and hate she carries inside is very intense. And L has a huge pattern of seeking validation from guys, cheating on them, using them for her own needs and in general she enjoys having a guy on her hook even when she is dating someone. Not to mention the lying and the complete lack of accountability and the incessant image manipulation she keeps doing. Like L is definitely someone I'm very wary of cuz she thinks nothing of manipulation and cheating and will backstab literally everyone just to get her ends met. Least trustworthy person I've ever come across. Di doesn't have that tendency but hers are more extreme self centeredness and I don't think she is unreliable or anything but definitely has such a selfish outlook that it always struck me as odd. Something of an anomaly there too. But overall she is inf better than L and I don't think she is unempathetic. I think that's my litmus test for people now. 

Yeah I think more or less it's just L who is not only a red flag but an extreme case. She is the only one I find scary cuz she is able to hide her motives really well. The rest of the people just seem like they were dealing with bad parenting growing up and are now atleast more or less regulated well. I hope I never ever cross paths with L again. That psycho is just bad news. 

When I first started wondering about all these things, I was determined to find out what was it in me that made me not see these red flags in people. I struggled with that so much. Now I'm a lot better at it but man, growing up it was really tough for me to actually understand wtf was wrong. I'm truly glad people like meg were around cuz she has a very direct understanding of people and she doesn't give undue credit to anyone so it used to always make me see a point I hadn't considered. But I guess it's just cuz she wants the best for me and usually her bar for people is more a no bs, actual tangible effort kind and unless she sees that she doesn't give anyone credit no matter who they are. Hmmm. But it's okay she is only watching out for me so she is bound to be protective. And it's good she is in my corner, in the end I'll always consider and trust her judgement cuz it comes from a place of care towards me. And I know she will always tell me the hard truths and sometimes you just need that in life. Haha, M will have to pass her standards check if ever we become close cuz she won't mince words if she thinks he is half assing anything. You would need her blessings M, I think only post her buy in will I ever fully trust anyone else in life anyway. Although I do trust him lots already, and I feel quite comfy and safe with him. And I get the feeling that he feels safe with me to tbh. That's nice. I'm glad. Hehe, despite all her warnings to just quit on him, I'm actually quite glad I didn't. And I hope that I made the right call and decided to take that leap of faith with him. I think as time goes by we both will feel okay to be open with each other too. The one thing I've realised over the last year is that time is sometimes needed for any equation cuz people have their own fears and barriers to trust, doesn't mean they are bad, just scared of getting hurt or scared of past hurts. If you have lived that way, then having a genuine connect does require time and patience. I guess meg chooses people differently but I hope my approach isn't bad either. Anyway, this is all I know tbh..to be there for someone and be in their corner, rest is up to them to decide if they value that trait or not. Times when I panic, like NYE when I suddenly felt bad is cuz my approach leaves most things to chance whereas Meg's since it's definitive she doesn't have to second guess if the other person cares about her or not. Hmmm. Yeah, I think that surety is imp and I'll also need it in due time. I need to know tangibly that I matter to people, and eventually I'm going to have to factor that in.

On a lighter note, funny how all you guys have your name starting with M. You, her, my mom and my coffee mug that was mom's at one point. This letter is an integral part of my life.