Alternating between feeling shitty and staying busy lol. Distraction is a good thing, just helps you remove any bad feelings cuz you are too tired by the end of it to feel stuff. Just avoiding thinking of it now. Plus he didn't even say hi in so many days and it didn't strike me till now but now that it does I'm just like lol. So much for that huh. Can't say I'm surprised, he has never once reached out on his own when there was conflict, will probably be unkind enough to say his usual I was so busy kinda bs on top of it all. He maybe really is cruel dude. Or atleast  someone that chooses to hide behind excuses, even though that's a generous excuse I'm making for him tbh. I should accept that fact. And I don't think he chooses to actually show anyone care on his own. Cuz what's the point in being so stubborn and dug in if all you are doing is hurting the person in front of you? What prize do you win from it? Satisfaction that you didn't give in? I mean... Okay have it. It doesn't produce any love just hurt. How long will you stay happy with that thought? Meh... It's okay. I guess people have their reasons to be the way they are. Atleast this time around I genuinely don't even think I was inadequate. I just feel like he is the one that failed me. Even if he is feeling bad, which he might be tbh, if he doesn't say it openly then how can I assume it? To me it just seems selfish and mean, he should know that. Can't be avoidant forever or ask for blind faith from someone whose voice you simultaneously refused to hear lol. See just this fact negates all other nice things I'd have otherwise thought. I can't assume care, I have to assume cruelty only here. Actions always speak, and they are all that count. It is what it is. 

Who would have perished if we had a normal equation lol? Such a simple thing it was and now feels like some mountain for God knows what reason. Things should not be this complex, being friends is simple, you get along or you don't. 🤷‍♀️ At some point this feeling of sadness will go away and then I'll just want to shout for sure. 

I think slowly I just want to take one thing at a time and focus on work and getting things done. It'll help me feel happy and it's always fun to focus on things I want to create too. I'm gonna take this time to do something constructive. I'm sure I'll feel bad from time to time but eventually that has to pass. And next time I'll be careful to not let myself assume the best in people, only if they show me actively should I let myself think so about them. There's not much else I can do, I am determined to not let this be something that colours my view of everyone else. I'd like to believe that there are good folks in the world and should our paths cross, I do not want to wrong them by treating them with skepticism. Will do my best. Sun has to shine someday, right?