It's kinda sad that my expectations from people are so rock bottom that it doesn't even occur to me to expect anything more. I wonder how other people do it. Like it's just so utterly sad to be honest. M ends up coaching me on what she considers basics. I wonder how I would feel if some day someone actually is genuinely caring towards me. I'll probably just be stunned or something. Atleast this time around I don't feel like I'm insignificant or anything, so that's progress. It's okay - you live, you learn. I think I can safely say that I do bring something good to the table and I should give myself credit where it's due. I'm fairly decent I presume. I'm remembering that one day many, many moons back when A met me, and ended up telling me in just a few months how much I changed his life and how my presence impacted him for the better. I've always loved this memory because of how honest and impromptu it was. He was also one of the first people to show me so much affection and care, I loved that even though I was fearful of it then. M says I need to wait and see if people show me that kind of care of their own will and she is right. Better to take it slow and let someone earn the right to my affections and trust too from now, instead of just bestowing it on them and being disappointed later when they don't come through for me. I should have the confidence that at the very least if something was wrong, people I choose to include in my life will try to fix it on their own and will not shy away from checking up on me and be there for me too. That would be nice. I have that confidence with all my friends now tbh. Which is cool. Maybe that's why I have such ease with them all. Anyway, I won't make this mistake again and I will try to be open and honest and not be skeptical of the world just because of the actions of a few people. I don't want to have a cynical view of anyone, I think it's just fundamentally wrong to  view everyone with suspicion and I can't do that. But I will try and wait and see if they are reciprocal in their care and friendship towards me and actually ask about me, how I feel, how I'm doing etc. If I share that I have an injury, atleast once ask me how I'm doing. See M would say even this is just bare minimum and I'm struggling to define what would be too much of an ask lol. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm the one doing all the work, eventually it gets exhausting and my patience runs out. But yeah, I do want to be shown effort. I think I'm totally worth it, and I don't think going forward I'll settle for less. Can make it a goal for 2024 to build good filters and see who takes the time to know me well. It would be good to feel cherished.