M asked me why I felt so bad this time. I guess I'm just tired of being viewed with such suspicion everytime you know. It comes across as so insulting, like I've never asked for any special treatment or anything. Or anything at all. But the price of being nice and patient can't be just straight up brushing off that way. Even now while watching the match, it would have been nice to discuss it live and diss players etc. such simple things. And like idk man. I don't even get it. He can talk to people who are openly doing such weird things in their lives - banging peoples' wives and saying all weird things to others and what not...and I'm the one he draws a line with? Like everyone else with all the shit they do is okay and not me? I don't want to make myself feel bad by thinking of reasons why actually. But just the idea that listening to me itself was a no no is like degrading me from the status of a mere person too. It just feels extremely inhuman. I'm not sure what I did to make him feel like shutting me out so harshly was necessary to his well being. Like what was he even afraid of happening? Why complicate it this way for no reason? And I can't even share this openly because how will I? Just left it on ok. It's so frustrating to not be able to have an open conversation for me. Does he not get that? I hate this man, I really do. But if that's how little he thinks of me then it's good I know it for real. It might not even be that, might just be some random thing I've not thought of. Does he want me to think of him as an asshole? Hard to believe he would like that. Even if it hurts now, it'll become better eventually. I've never experienced someone treating me this way, so it was quite a shock too. And that's very true, like I've never actually been treated like this by anyone ever. Lol. People irl have always been good to me. After this long he should  not have either tbh. But no point in second guessing the why, it's not like I'll like the answer right. And I don't even expect an apology. I know him enough to know that he won't find it easy to acknowledge it, let alone say sorry. But if he wants to build a world of excuses or pretend to himself that he did what's right then okay, his life. I can't relate to all this, and I am not going to think anything mean towards him but I'm done making excuses on his behalf and room for his conveniences. So I guess I'm just gonna assume he had his reasons and let it be at that. But I'm done with people making me feel like shit for no reason or fault of mine... It's not fair and I will not accept it. If I'd treated him like that, I'm sure he would have hated me. And found it extremely insulting. Would he think someone who did that to him was nice? No right? He would hate their guts I'm sure. So he can't possibly think I should take it any other way. 🤷‍♀️ 

If the world fucking came to an end that day, I'd have fucking perished thinking a person I thought is my friend didn't even want to hear me out. What a fucking joke. Dramatic, but still, true nonetheless. You should never ever have to feel that. Everyone's a lunatic I think. 

Anyway, rant done. 

I won't ever be mean directly or negative or think unkind thoughts, I don't believe in that nor am I ever going to let on how badly this made me feel. Will just let it be and let there be dignity. It always wins out in the end. Just hope someday he realises that he hurt me and for no reason whatsoever. Good. Hope you are happy. Kudos.