Waking up early and just lying in bed. The early hours are nice. No interruptions. I'm feeling a tiny bit better today. Still feeling v devasted but atleast don't feel like shit anymore. I think I made the right decision for me atleast. I don't think I can do this no transparency bit any longer. It's too much for him to ask of me. I can't just go on in perpetuity with no knowledge of who he is and have no solid foundation. It's not fair to ask of me. And I can't allow myself to care about someone on such blind faith for ever also. It's not like he had to tell me all his life secrets from the get go or anything but to simply brush me off that cruelly was extraordinarily awful towards me... It's just showing me no empathy or care, like I'm some random nobody. And it's not as if we didn't know each other, it's been more than a year of talking almost every day. That's what hurts me the most, the fact that I tried from my side to always be upfront and even after that he found it so easy to just be so mean. He never once stopped to think how it might feel to me, right? Even the thought of that makes me feel so stabbed at the moment, I can't lie. I need to understand for my own sake why I give a chance to people who just straight up don't even care about my feelings even once? Like it's not as if I've hurt him. Fuck dude, from the time I knew him, I was in his corner. So many times when I sensed that he was sensitive I'd try to be nice and supportive cuz like a fool I cared so much and wanted him to be happy and feel at ease. And all for what? For someone who just didn't give a shit in the end, treated me like I wasn't even human. I'm just gutted at this and I don't know why it hurts as much as it does. I wish I could just be angry but that never comes easy, I just feel v v sad. It genuinely just broke my heart. Even trying to write this now to get it out of my system isn't coming easy cuz it just hurts so damn bad at the moment. The worst part is how I was so happy at first thinking it might be so nice to have a solid friendship at the very least, and now it turns out I was completely wrong about everything. Why is it so easy for people to just pretend to be nice? I don't want to know. I don't want any of these answers anymore. I guess I just have to save myself here, even if noone cares about me atleast I need to do so and have my own back. I'm glad I have my friends at the moment, it's always been the silver lining in my life and they always come through. Anyway, I guess I'll be okay in due time. Atleast I know I'm not the one that fucked it up or did anything wrong. If he couldn't bring himself to value me at all, then what can I even say? In the end such a person won't make a positive difference in my life either, it'll just be me caring while he feels zero need or obligation to give a shit about me and that is never a good thing. And after so long if someone can be so detached and straight up deliberate in their attempt to shut me out, then it tells me how they operate from a space of zero empathy and kindness, and in the end respect and kindness are the two non negotiable things I seek in any equation, if even that is off the table then there's isn't anything left anyway. Blah. Idk. I still have no words to express how I feel fully. After a long time I've felt this distraught. :( anyway, I have no intention of being nasty about it nor do I have the energy left to feel anything. At the end of the day, I know how difficult it is to find someone who is genuine and loyal and caring of their own free will. Partners can betray you, friends can, professional life is filled with nastiness. In a sea of muck that you have to navigate, the one thing I've learnt is that you have to value the right things and people in life and make an effort for them. And I've always tried from my side to be good, it's not a lot but it's the only value system I've adhered to. I just dupe myself into thinking the person I'm being nice to adheres to the same values but I guess they dont. Like M said, I have to learn to discern who has my best interests too, it's not enough if the other person doesn't even treat you right. And she has a point. I wasn't even asking for much, just to have a sense of normalcy in this equation so it doesn't feel so surreal all the time. What was he even afraid would happen if we talked? I just thought it'll be nice and you can get a sense of each other for real and just be able to goof around, make jokes and generally be happy. How was that something so tough to do? How is it different from getting to know any other person? Don't you talk to all your other friends? Lol. It wasn't that complicated. It's not as if people don't want to get to know me, or have ever been mistrustful of me. I'm not arrogant but I do know I'm kind and smart and good to people and know how to make and effort for them to feel supported. Even his friend who spoke to me for a single day instantly understood my core traits in that one conversation and straight up told me that. 

I just hope this is the last time life brings me around people who don't care about me, I really just want to feel safe, and be able to have honest and genuine equations in my life. Don't mind having few people but they gotta be quality people I will not compromise on that ever. And I'm not doing this weird, up in the air equation anymore. I deserve better. The irony of the person being skeptical and distrustful not even realising that he is the one that actually failed in that area, and spectacularly so. So much for self awareness. Whatever. I cared about you genuinely, and I'm sure you knew that, and still chose to be this way. If you want to fix it, you figure it out for once. It should not be this hard at the end of the day, and nor should it feel like an obligation tbh. Freedom is important and things should be done with an open heart, and with happiness. This is why I'll never ask again, it's up to you to come correctly if you want and if not then I'm not someone who likes to feel as if I'm making someone do something. And I'm not going to let myself feel awful and unsure all the time either, I will do right by me. Let's just choose to be happy and positive. I'll just leave it at that.