Ivan's dilemma

A cynic who wanted nothing more than to believe. And then he went crazy in that quest. 

I've often wondered or rather looked at albeit academically at people who seem consumed by their passion and their fancies, knowing full well I'm simply not like that. I'm not sure how to structure these thoughts but I've oft felt like I'd rather keep myself in the middle of practicality than experience strong emotions? No it's not even that. It's disliking having emotions holding sway over everything. I like rationality in decision making. So looking at Ivan is so interesting, I keep coming back to him. He was so practical on the surface but he simply could not allow himself to believe and let go. 

The questions that puzzled him don't puzzle me. The question of God and morality. You can do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, It's simply an ouroboros.  So I just don't understand Ivan in that regard. Maybe he just wanted to really talk to god, rail at him and ask him why so much misery. Heh. To suffer is to suffer indeed. 

I get Ivan to some extent but Dmitry and Alyosha. Never. Just so starkly different and yet equally foreign. Alyosha kinda used to scare me. Not anymore. I do think life is simpler and sweeter if you feel like someone is watching over you. 

Dmitry? Lol. Not touching that. 

~

I like that I keep coming back to this book. I'm glad.