I don't allow myself to go down the road of wonderment anymore, and I've forced myself to accept things and people as they appear to be. But after alllll these years on this planet why is my Achilles heel so unchanged and why am I perpetually expecting to see good in someone? I don't know why I'm like this. I know this trait doesn't serve me well, but I have to keep on reminding myself of horrid things just so I don't fall back into accepting shitty behaviour lol. What a fucking joke, huh. I just never understood something fundamental... Why is it that loving oneself means choosing not to love someone freely. Like those things are simply incompatible to the point that it's always one or the other? And why are some people so messed up and so abusive that the only thing they can do is be nasty, so consistently? Loving them is not a cure, it's just a curse you invite on yourself because they will ensure any moment of happiness you feel is a threat to be destroyed. The thing I fear isn't that someone is nasty, it's that I might choose to love them and then get hurt. It's very hard for me to write someone off or idk maybe it's hard for me to conceptualise the idea that I want better? In the end it's not as if the person will change so accepting you want better means leaving them to invite the possibility of someone new and that's hard when you care about someone. Next time, I'm simply going to be super guarded and not let someone in until I feel safe and cared for. On that I shall not budge. There's never going to be a substitute for effort. 

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Gah. If you insist on being my weakness atleast be my strength in other ways why is that so hard lmao. Haha. Atleast that trade off would be worth it. 

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My friend kept talking about S and her husband and how bad they are together and in my mind all I see is my friend who is living a similar life and she doesn't see it. There's something so tragic about a woman that keeps making excuses for their partner and all you see is how shitty the person they chose is. I find it hard to be around them now cuz it just feels toxic and I don't want to be in that zone. I'm finding it super tough to forgive a lot of her behaviour too. Esp the way she attacked my equation with my brother. That was such an awful line to cross and she didn't even realise that she was crossing it. I hate her for it. I really do. And I can't seem to forgive it anymore. Maybe all the shitty behaviour has caught up and while I understand that being around that idiot bf of hers might take a toll, I've reached a point where I'm like hey it wasn't my choice and I don't want to be your punching bag for whenever you feel shitty. I just. Idk man. Hate is a strong word but there are times I've started feeling a very strong revulsion to her and it makes me want to just snap. I fear losing my temper would be unpleasant and thus far I haven't but I'm sick of having to fend off these random attacks and that mindless virtue signalling she gets up to. 

Heavy lies this realisation. Maybe addressing it would be the only thing to do but good god I hate these confrontations so much ugh. Yet another Achilles heel haha. Just hate confrontations sooooo much. 

Ugh. What do I do? Someone solve my issues for me pls. Thanks.