Dad just called up to check on me out of the blue hehe. It was so sweet. Sometimes I feel like I've been surrounded by so many selfish, self centred people early in life that I kind of never expect anyone to watch out for me. While I don't actively mind it, or think about it, it's moments when someone just calls impromptu and says ooo I wanna see your face been so long and then just chats, it just feels really nice. If someone cares about me, I will never take it for granted. And this feeling is so special that I do not want to waste time on anyone who doesn't. I guess I'm realising more and more that active care and acts of being sweet matter to me a lot. I want more of that in life. Over the last three years I've really understood at a core level how important it is, and I do not wish to ever find myself in that kind of a situation again where the lack of it leaves me shell shocked.

Experiencing that feeling where you just know no matter how bad you feel, some people will not care is a fate I would not wish on anyone. It's the ugly, soul destroying hell hole of malignancy that seeks to destroy you from within. I do not care about such people anymore. Just as naro should not have given a flying fuck about all these ghouls. I do not know if Naro took his own life, and I really hope it is not that, but I do feel people in general need to hold themselves in equivalence to others and not look up to someone or need their approval. Be respectful, be kind, but have your own back too. Don't leave those who love you in a hurry, noone can fill the void of someone that is loved. 

~

It's crazy how some people touch your life man. It really is. There's moments of humanity in a lot of life's touchpoints, even when they are on fringes. Naro had way more love and goodwill in his life than I do, I really wish he had seen that and made that central to his being. I thought about the number of times even JB had mentioned him and with so much affection. JB is another top guy tbh. I suppose this stuff is part of grieving huh. Came across some very cute vids of neims losing to danya etc haha. It felt so sweet and crushing too later cuz I realise these folks are just kids who were having fun at the time. The older I'm getting the more I think innocence and care of kids is of utmost importance. I don't get how old folks are so cruel sometimes. But fuck these old ghouls.

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I don't really feel like playing chess anymore, atleast not for a while. Watching that appalling bs by Emil on Twitter made my stomach churn, I really hope this time around there are genuine consequences for the bad actors. Despicable shit. I'd be surprised if Krams decided to show some decency and stay out of it now but knowing that malignant turd he will find a way to insert himself into all this and try to act like he was some sage guy. Fuck. I feel so sorry for Naro's mom. I really do. I cannot imagine how horrid it must be to have the man who harassed your son to take such a drastic step keeps trying to get your attention despite it all. I'm so sorry she has to deal with this. God bless her, I hope she finds the strength to find peace. 

I feel like chess just makes people evil and I'm not sure I want anything to do with it anymore.

~

Hmmm. Just gonna go out lots and have some mundane fun for a while.